Exclusive Interviewâ¦ - Trinitas Hospital

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Conquering the Terrain of Griefby Kathryn SalamoneNovelists find fertile ground in the subjectof grief. Take, for instance, JoanDidion’s The Year of Magical Thinkingwhich also recently completed a limitedengagement on Broadway starring worldrenownedactress Vanessa Redgrave. LollyWinston also took a humorous turn on thesubject with her 2004 novel, Good Grief,about a young widow picking up the pieces.These glimpses into grief underscorethat life demands our strength and fortitudeevery day, but most especially whenwe face the loss of a loved one, someonevery close to us, a job, or a beloved pet.Our spirit needs to mend after we haveexperienced a loss and, in that mending,we are able to resume life again.The grief process occurs in stages thatwere identified and outlined by noted psychologistElisabeth Kübler-Ross fourdecades ago. Initially, Kübler-Ross developedthe model to assist patients who weretrying to cope with their own deathprocess. However, this model has come toserve as signposts for bereavement and alldifferent types of grief, i.e., death of a marriage,loss of a job and, of course, loss of aloved one or a friend.Pat Neary-Ludmer, PhD, Director ofthe Trinitas Hospital Family ResourceCenter, explains that there are gender differencesin the way men and women managegrief.“Men tend to be solitary and work outtheir grief through action. Men are thepallbearers at funerals and in some culturesthey are required to make the coffin for thedeceased. Conversely, women are moreverbal and prefer to interact with othersregarding their loss. Men can move in andout of their pain while women remain connectedto it on a daily basis,” she notes.It is important that people realize thatmen and women can get into conflict overtheir very different grieving styles. Womenmay interpret that if a man is less verbal or26 HEALTHYEDGEemotional he is cold or uncaring about theloss. Men may wonder why the woman isunable to pull it together and move on.Men struggle with the powerlessness felt indeath. They are “fixers” and the helplessnessthey feel challenges the male ego.Going through the grieving process is agradual, day-to-day unfolding of a returnto normalcy. Within that unfolding, therewill be good days and bad days.“Signs that a person is not goingthrough the stages of grief may be reflectedin withdrawal from daily activities, unwillingnessto get out of bed in the morning,excessive crying, continued denial of theloss, and a disregard for personal hygieneand grooming,” Dr. Neary-Ludmer states.As this unfolding takes place, timepasses. Some cultures dress in black for ayear to mark their grief. In the process ofa year, the loves ones cope with first holidays,birthdays and anniversaries since theloss. Surprisingly, the second year can bemore difficult as the reality has set in andSTAGES OF GRIEF:DENIAL: Refusal to accept what hashappened.ANGER: Expression of suppressedemotions.BARGAINING: Wishing for a wayout. Avoiding acceptance of theinevitable.DEPRESSION: Reality sets in withstrong emotions overwhelmingthem.ACCEPTANCE: Less emotional withan increased acceptance of thereality of the loss and movementtowards rebuilding.loved ones move forward. This actioncomes as a shock to people.Continued on page 28Pat Neary-Ludmer, PhD, works regularly with those who seek grief counseling and isregarded as a valuable resource for 9/11 widows. She notes that men and womentend to process grief in gender specific ways.
People can work out their grief in avariety of ways, says Dr. Neary-Ludmer.Writing a journal, participating in abereavement support group, seeking counselingare just a few of the ways to moveforward. Some people take comfort in ritualsand ceremonies and other things spiritual.Positive ways of moving forward canbe found in celebrating the person’s life.By doing so, the person grieving can eventuallydo new things, make new friendsand create new traditions.If a person suffers the loss of a job, heor she may experience feelings very similarto grief associated with death.“The individual grieves for the loss ofloyalty by the employer, loss of their identityand status in life,” Dr. Neary-Ludmernotes. “If the situation does not improve,and/or the individual fails to make a satisfactoryadjustment, depression may set in.These individuals need support from familyand friends.”Grief is a normal aspect of life that canaffect people of all ages. With age comes theintellectual and emotional maturity to assistwith the ability to manage grief. However,Dr. Neary-Ludmer explains, being olderdoesn’t necessarily make grieving easier.Imagine the loss of a spouse of 40 or 50years. A lifetime of companionship andmemories makes such a loss hard to bear.But, perhaps the most difficult loss isthe loss of your child. While the loss of anaged loved one is fairly predictable, theother is unthinkable and unnatural.Children experience and process griefdifferently than adults, notes Dr. Neary-Ludmer. Their actions speak louder thanwords as young children may regress, sucktheir thumb, wet their bed, cling to a significantother, throw temper tantrums andbecome very fearful. Older children mayexhibit grief through aggressive behavior,an increase in separation anxiety, focus andconcentration problems, social and learningproblems at school, mood swings andfeelings of helplessness/hopelessness. Theymay have physical symptoms such asheadaches/stomachaches and disturbedsleep and eating patterns.“Counseling may help children toexpress their loss in a way that is healthierfor them,” Dr. Neary-Ludmer recommends,adding, “Children move in andout of their grief reactions as they passthrough the various developmental stagesand challenges of life.”The most important realization for thegrieving person is that life will return to adegree of normalcy. Dr. Neary-Ludmerrecommends accepting the support of familyand friends.For those who are grieving, rememberto take one day at a time. Do not overwhelmyourself. Join a support group.Keep active – exercise and eat healthy.Pain will fade.Remember, you may not have yourspouse, job, close friend or much-loved petany longer but you can embrace life andrebuild without being disloyal.To reach the Trinitas Hospital FamilyResource Center in Cranford, call(908) 276-2244.HOW CAN FAMILYAND FRIENDS HELPTHOSE WHO AREGRIEVING?✓ Be a good listener.✓ Identify what the individualor family may need,such as help with preparedmeals, child care,financial help, housecleaning, gardening,snow removal.✓ Don’t pity those whogrieve, instead showyour concern by helpingthem work toward gettingback to normal.HEALTH & SAFETY PRODUCTS“Your Protection is Our Business”Medical / Dental / Food / Industrial / AutoGary Berman 633 Jackson Avenue 800-432-4568President Elizabeth, NJ 07208 Cell 973-668-1294Fax 908-352-0743glove3030@aol.comtoplineglove.comFALL 2007 27
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