Ten Things to Know About Grief - Victoria Hospice

When you are grieving it helps to know what toexpect. Although your grief is unique to yourrelationship with the person who died, there aresome common themes. Our staff, volunteers, andbereaved people identified the ten things discussedbelow as important in understanding your grief.1Global effect of lossThe death of someone very close to you canbe a life transforming event that effects allaspects of yourself and your life. It can feelas if your world has been shattered. Thegrief process is the journey between howthings were and how they will be. It is aninterior journey, like a labyrinth, movingtoward central issues of meaning.2Grief is a natural processThe grief you feel at the death of someoneimportant to you is the consequence of livingand loving, of your meaningful connectionswith others. Grief is a normal part of life anda natural response to loss. Information aboutthe phases of grief can help you to understandthe responses that you experience.3Individual differencesin grieving stylesAlthough grief has some definable outlines,how you grieve is a unique result of yourpersonality, your past history of loss, and therelationship that you had with the personwho died. Each person in your family willgrieve in their own way and with their owntimetable. To cope with their grief, somepeople will openly express the emotions thatthey experience while others will controltheir thoughts and emotions. Neither ofthese styles is right or wrong; each can be aneffective way through grief.4Children and griefChildren look to the important adults in theirlives to learn how to grieve. They are sensitiveto the moods and behaviour of the adultsaround them and will not talk about theirthoughts and feelings of loss unless the adultsdo. Children are frightened by what they donot know or understand, so simple informationabout death and grief is helpful to them.5Social connections and supportWhen you are grieving you want and needsupport from others now more than ever.Due to awkwardness or their own feelings ofgrief, some people may not be able to providethe understanding and caring that you expectedfrom them. Because all of the relationships inyour life will be altered in some way after amajor loss, it is normal to look at, change or,sometimes, end certain relationships. Youmay find that the company of other bereavedpeople is particularly comforting.6Experiences you might have in griefWhen you are actively grieving, you can feelvery different from your usual self as youremotions, your mind, and your reactions seemunreliable. It is possible that you are feelingintense pain and emotions that you have neverfelt before. You are not going crazy; this is anatural part of grief. Responses such as fatigue,forgetfulness and irritability result from yourattention and energy being directed towardyour grief and adjustment to loss.7Fluctuations in the grief processAs you journey along the path of grief, youwill find that your feelings and responses varyat different times and phases of the process.There will be unpredictable ups and downsthat may be felt as waves of grief or as gooddays and bad days. It is important to understandand value the good days as breaks orrests in your particular journey.8Self-care and what helpsThere are things that you can do to helpyourself at this challenging time. Getting informationabout grief can help you to understandyour responses and your journey. Be gentleand patient with yourself as you grieve. Dowhat you can to keep some normal routinefor health and social contact. Support maycome from a variety of sources: family, friends,bereavement groups, chat rooms, etc. If youare concerned about yourself and your grief,seek professional counselling help.9Time for griefDespite what you may hear about ‘gettingover it’ or ‘the first year’, there are no timelines for grief; it takes as long as it takes.Often your grief journey is longer than youor other people expected and you may feelpressure to be better than you are by now,whenever this is. It is certain that this loss willcontinue to be part of your life and that youwill always have times when you think about,miss, and grieve for the person who died.10Grief as a spiritual journey of healingThe death of someone significant in your lifebrings change that puts you on a differentlife path. Nothing will ever be the same, yetyou must somehow go on and find meaningin the new path before you. As the journeycontinues, you may experience healing andpersonal growth as a result of the sufferingyou have endured and the lessons that youhave learned about what you truly value.