Healing the Hurt - Diocese of Rockford

The Observer | FRIDAY MARCH 9, 2012 11Healingthe HurtWhat Every Catholic Should Know About AnnulmentAnnulmentCan BeImportantWhen AMarriageReally Wasn’ta SacramentThat UnitedA Couplefor Life.ChurchReview is Partof a Returnto Spiritualand EmotionalHealth.USCCB Survey Points to Need for Catholics to Understand AnnulmentIncluding those who have remarried,23 percent of American Catholicshave been divorced at some time.Among those currently married,nearly a third (30 percent) had not beenmarried in the church or had their marriage“convalidated,” or formally blessed by thechurch.The findings, part of a 2007 nationwidesurvey commissioned by the United StatesConference of Catholic Bishops, points upthe potential importance of the annulmentprocess to many who are or want to be partof the Church.For those who were separated or divorcedat the time of the survey, more than half (51percent) said they had not been married inthe church or had their marriage convalidated.Of those who were divorced, 85 percenthad not sought an annulment, but 7 percenthad sought and received one.Asked for their views on the general acceptabilityof divorce, more than threequartersof U.S. Catholics (76 percent) saidit was “acceptable in some cases” and another17 percent said it was “acceptable inall cases.” Only 7 percent said divorce was“not acceptable in any case.”When they were asked about whetherdivorce was acceptable in specific circumstances,96 percent said it was in cases ofphysical abuse, 92 percent said yes whenthere was emotional abuse and 85 percentsaid it was acceptable when there was infidelity.“This is the first time that such a variedand comprehensive body of data aboutCatholic patterns in marriage has beencollected and analyzed,” said ArchbishopJoseph E. Kurtz of Louisville, Ky. He waschairman at the time of the survey of whatis now the bishops’ Subcommittee on Marriageand Family Life of the USCCB Committeeon Laity, Marriage, Family Life andYouth.— CNSAbout the SurveyThe survey report divided respondentsinto four generational groups:the pre-Second Vatican Councilgeneration, ages 65 and over in2007, who made up 19 percent ofthe respondents; the Vatican II generation,ages 47-64, 31 percent; thepost-Vatican II generation, ages26-46, 40 percent; and the millennialgeneration, ages 18-25, 10 percent.The survey was commissioned aspart of the bishops’ National PastoralInitiative for Marriage, which thebishops launched in 2004 to call attentionto the value of married life.The survey was carried out in June2007 by the Center for Applied Researchin the Apostolate at GeorgetownUniversity via the Internet pollingfirm Knowledge Networks andwas made public later.The margin of error for the surveyof 1,008 self-identified Catholics 18or older was plus or minus 3.1 percentagepoints.InsideTribunal Sisters Have a Heart for Helping the Divorcedpg 12Annulments: Obstacles to True and Valid Marriagepg 12Resourcespg 12Q&A with the Diocesan Tribunalpg 13Tale of Two Cases: Annulment Process Helps and Healspg 14‘Pathway to the Sacraments,’ Other Family LifePrograms Help Couples Come Back to Churchpg 14SOURCE: cara.georgetown.eduLiving witha Partner4%Widowed5%Separated1%NeverMarried25%Divorced12%Married,not in theChurch*16%Married inthe Church34%Marital Statusand Marriagein the Church* Married, not in theChurch nor convalidatedAmong AdultCatholicsMarried, not inthe church butconvalidated3%

14FRIDAY MARCH 9, 2012 | The ObserverTale of Two Cases: Annulment Process Helps and HealsBy Amanda HudsonNews editorNicole Johnson, 41, a parishioner at St.Bridget Parish in Loves Park, says she was“pretty adamant” about going through theannulment process as soon as possible.To that end, she recruited her dad to come with herfor support and attended a program about annulmentsat nearby Holy Family Parish after she and her husbandof 13 years had separated (2008) but before theirdivorce was finalized (2010). At that program, shevisited with Tribunal advocate Sister Margaret AnneFloto whose kind presence and helpful informationprovided “a big, comforting peace about the wholething for me,” Johnson says.“She reassured me that (the right time is) anytimeyou feel like (pursuing an annulment) after the legalparts are done,” she says. “It was scary, until I talkedwith her.”The annulment process proved to be much differentfrom the divorce process, Johnson says.“After coming off the legal part, I didn’t think Icould go through (a similar procedure) again,” shesays of her fears that the annulment process would involve“going before a panel of judges.”“The legal aspects just care about who did whatto who,” Johnson says, “(but)I found the (annulment) interviewprocess to be ahealing process. There’sa lot of things you thinkabout” while going backover the courtship andmarriage in the interview.“It was more ofa journey for me. Itgets into a lot aboutwhat you are madeup of.“This was forthinking andreflecting, notfor attacking.I was evenable to identifypositivepointsabout (myex-husba n d )a n dnegativep o i n t sabout me.”Another big difference between the civil divorceand the annulment process was the cost, she says.“Don’t go by what others say,” she says, adding thatthe Tribunal staff “work with you. They explain it all(and) spread (payment) out over time.“The cost was more than reasonable, (especially)after paying attorney fees. You just tell them your circumstances.”The one thing that gave Johnson pause in her annulmentprocess was that “each spouse is able to go in andsee what (their ex-spouse’s) narrative says. Knowingthat he can read (what you write) can hold you back or(want to) attack,” she says.Johnson came to the Tribunal office for two interviews,each about an hour and a half in length, shesays. Her ex-spouse “never said anything to me aboutthe process,” she says.Choosing her witnesses was challenging, she says,because she didn’t have a lot of choices of people whoknew them throughout the marriage. Her witnessesincluded two non-Catholics and two people who hadbeen present only during the middle and end of themarriage. Johnson suggests trying “to pick a good,rounded group (of) relatives, friends, coworkers …people who are aware of your circumstances.”She told her witnesses that she didn’t want to readwhat they wrote before they submitted it. All of Johnson’switnesses completed their forms and mailedthem in.Johnson’s divorce was finalized on Feb. 1, 2010. Shebegan the annulment process in early March. Her annulmentwas finalized that October.“They tell you it can take up to a year,” she says. Thepossibility that an annulment would not be approved,she says, was “one of those things I didn’t worry about(although) I felt better after I got (notice of) the firstapproval.”Receiving the final decree in the mail, she adds,“was kind of anti-climactic. You don’t really knowhow to feel.” Johnson’s two sons “watched the legalprocess,” she says, adding that, “I think this (annulmentprocess) sets a good example.”She says she worked to help her boys “understandwhy (the annulment) is just as important,” and alsohad them go through the Rainbows program, whichshe highly recommends for children experiencing thedivorce of their parents.These days, Johnson is co-facilitating the Catholic’sDivorce Survival Guide program at her parish.She calls the program “excellent,” and its author, RoseSweet, “just wonderful.”“All the way through,” she says, “I wanted it to beabout my process of healing. I think a lot of peoplewait until they want to get remarried. I’m not at thatpoint.“The sisters really help you do it the right way.”Matthew Baute talks about the help he receivedfrom the annulment process in aDVD recorded for the diocesan FamilyLife Office.“I found myself in that 50 percent” of divorce statistics,he said. “I jumped into a relationship too quicklyand hadn’t discerned” if his decision to marry wassomething that God wanted for him. “I succumbed toemotions and let that rule. (It was) not a good recipefor success. I (felt that) I let down my family, myselfand God.”The annulment process, Baute says, “was a tremendousblessing for me,” although he adds that, for him,it took “time and effort.”“I learned a lot more about myself,” he recalls. “Ithelped me see plenty of patterns in my own way ofrelating (to others) that neededhealing.”Since his annulment sixyears ago, the travelingCatholic musician sayshe’s been able “to stayfaithful to a true discernmentprocess” inhis life. That process “isall about finding healingand peace,” he says.“God is the God ofsecond chances.”Baute calls it a“great sadness”when Catholicsremarrywithout ana n n u l m e n t .The annulmentprocess“is about healingand peace… I found aGod who isall-loving, whobrought meback into Hisfamily, and Ijust give Himgreat thanksfor that joy,that peace thatI felt.”‘Pathway to the Sacraments,’Other Family Life Programs HelpCouples Come Back to ChurchThe Family Life Office has a program especially designed for men and womenwho have remarried without going through the annulment process who want theirmarriage to become a sacrament.“Pathway to the Sacraments” provides participants the opportunity to examinethe steps toward sacramental communion in the Church and provideswitnesses who share how Marriage Convalidation renewed their life andtheir marriage.The next information-filled session of “Pathway” will be on Thursday,March 22, 7 p.m., at St. Elizabeth Ann Seton Parish, 1023 McHenryAve., Crystal Lake. For information or to register, contact the FamilyLife Office, 815/399-4300, or email lgramer@rockforddiocese.org.Walk-ins are also welcome.Other supportive programs are available, including:• Catholic’s Divorce Survival Guide, a recovery program offeredat various times in various parishes;• Convalidation Preparation Retreat on April 28;• Remarriage Preparation/Enrichment on Aug. 17-18.Information about these and other programs to supportfamilies and individuals is available from the FamilyLife Office at the number/email address above.To contact the Diocesan Tribunal, call 815/399-4300.Healing the Hurt