Hinduism Today January 2009 - Cover, Index, Front Articles

cultureVegetarian Myths DebunkedA tale of the hilarious misconceptions omnivores have about vegetariansEvery vegetarian remembers hisfirst time. Not the unremarkableevent of his first meal without meat,mind you. No, I mean the first timehe casually lets slip that he’s turned herbivore,prompting everyone in earshot to stareat him as if he just revealed plans to sail hiscarrot-powered plasma yacht to Neptune.For me, this first time came at an Elks scholarshipluncheon in rural Oregon when I was18. All day, I’d succeeded at seeming a promisingand responsible young man, until thatfateful moment when someone asked why Ihadn’t taken any meat from the buffet. AfterI offered my reluctant explanation—andthe guy announced it to the entire room—30people went eerily quiet, undoubtedly expectingme to climb on my chair and launchinto a speech on the virtues of an anarchicrevolution. In the corner, an elderly, suitedman glared at me as he slowly raised a sliceof bologna and executed the most menacingbite of cold cut in recorded history. I didn’tget the scholarship.I tell this story not to win your pity but toillustrate a point: I’ve been vegetarian for adecade, and when it comes up, I still get alook of confused horror that says, “But youseemed so… normal.” The U.S. boasts morethan 10 million vegetarians today, yet mostAmericans assume that every last one is aloopy, self-satisfied health fanatic, hellbenton draining all the joy out of life. Thoseof us who want to avoid the socialnightmare have to hide our vegetarianismlike an addiction, becauseadmit it, omnivores: Youknow nothing about us. Do weeat fish? Will we panic if confrontedwith a hamburger? Arewe dying of malnutrition? Youhave no clue. So read on, my flesheatingfriends—I believe it’s hightime we cleared a few things up.To demonstrate what a vegetarianreally is, let’s begin witha simple thought experiment.Imagine a completely normalperson with completelynormal food cravings, someonewho has a broad range offriends, enjoys a good time, isa carbon-based being, and soon. Now remove from this person’sdiet anything that oncehad eyes, and, wham!, youhave yourself a vegetarian. Normal person,no previously ocular food, end of story.Some people call themselves vegetariansand still eat chicken or fish, but unless we’retalking about the kind of salmon that comesfreshly plucked from the vine, this makesyou an omnivore. A select few herbivores goone step further and avoid all animal products—milk,eggs, honey, leather—and theycall themselves vegan (pronounced vee-gan).These people are intense.Vegetarians give up meat for a variety ofethical, environmental and health reasonsthat are secondary to this essay’s goal ofincreasing brotherly understanding, so I’llmostly set them aside. Suffice it to say thatone day I suddenly realized that I could neverlook a cow in the eyes, press a knocking gunto her temple, and pull the trigger withoutfeeling I’d done something cruel and unnecessary.(Sure, if it’s kill the cow or starve, thensay your prayers, my bovine friend—but fornow, it’s not quite a mortal struggle to subsiston the other five food groups.)I am well aware that even telling you thismakes me seem like the kind of person whowants to break into your house and liberateyour pet hamster—that is, like a PETA activist.Most vegetarians, though, would tell youthat they appreciate the intentions of groupslike PETA but not the obnoxious tactics.It’s like this: We’re allrooting for the same team,but they’re the onesin face paint, bellowingobscenities at theumpire and flipping over every car with aYankees bumper sticker. I have no designs onyour Camry—or your hamster.Now, here in America, when I say that vegetariansare normal people with normal foodcravings, many omnivores will hoist a lambshank in triumph and point out that youcan hardly call yourself normal if the aromaof, say, sizzling bacon doesn’t fill you withdeepest yearning. To which I reply: We’re notinsane. We know meat tastes good to manypeople; it’s why there’s a freezer case at yoursupermarket full of woefully inadequatemeat substitutes. Believe me, if obtaining bacondidn’t require slaughtering a pig, I’d havea bacon sandwitch in each hand right nowwith a bacon layer cake waiting in the fridgefor dessert. But, that said, I can also tell youthat with some time away from the butcher’ssection, many meat products start to seemgross. Ground beef in particular now strikesme as absolutely revolting; I have a vaguememory that hamburgers taste good, but theidea of taking a cow’s leg, mulching it intoa fatty pulp, and forming it into a pancakemakes me gag. And hot dogs... I mean, hotdogs? You do know what that is, right?As a consolation prize we American vegetariansget tofu, a treasure most omnivoresare more than happy to do without. Well, thismay stun you, but I’m not any more excitedabout a steaming heap of unseasonedtofu blobs than you are. Tofu is likefugu blowfish sushi: Prepared correctly,it’s delicious; prepared incorrectly,it’s lethal. Very early in myvegetarian career, I found myselffamished and stuck in a mall, so Iwandered over to the food court’sAsian counter. When I asked theteenage chief culinary artisanwhat was in the tofu stir-fry,he snorted and scoffed something.Desperation made meorder it anyway, and I cantell you that promises haverarely been more loyallykept than this guy’s pledgethat the tofu would tastelike, uh, that word he said.So here’s a tip: Unless youknow you’re in expert hands(Thai restaurants are agood bet), don’t even trytofu. Otherwise, it’syour funeral.mark alan stamatyAs long as we’re discussing restaurants, allowme a quick word with the hardworkingchefs at America’s dining establishments.We really appreciate that you included avegetarian option on your menu (and if youdidn’t, is our money not green?), but it mayinterest you to know that most of us are notsalad freaks on a grim slog for nourishment.We actually enjoy food, especially the kindthat tastes good.So enough with the bland vegetable dishes,and, for God’s sake, please make the Gardenburgersstop; it’s stunning how many restaurantslavish unending care on their meatdishes yet are content to throw a flavorlesshockey puck from Costco into the microwaveand call it cuisine.Every vegetarian is used to slim pickingswhen dining out, so we’re not askingfor much—just for something you’dlike to eat. I’ll even offer a handy trick.Pretend you’re trapped in a kitchenstocked with every ingredient imaginable,from asiago to zucchini, butwith zero meat. With no flesh available,picture what you’d make foryourself; this is what we want, too.For those kind-hearted omnivoreswho willingly invite subversive vegetariansinto their homes for dinnerparties and barbecues (really! we arenot afraid of them!), the same ruleapplies—but also know that unlessyou’re dealing with a vegetarian whois a unusually demanding person,we don’t expect you to bend overbackward for us. In fact, if we get thesense that you cooked for three extrahours to accommodate our dietary preferences,we will marvel at your consideratenature, but we will also feel insanely guilty.Similarly, it’s very thoughtful of you to askwhether it’ll bother me if I see you eat meat,but don’t worry: I’m not going to compose anepic poem about your corpse sandwich.Which leads me to a vital point for friendlyomnivore-herbivore relations. As you’reenjoying that pork loin next to me, I am notsilently judging you. I realize that anyonewho has encountered the breed of vegetarianwho says things like, “I can hear your lunchscreaming,” will find this tough to believe,but I’m honestly not out to convert you. Mygirlfriend and my closest pals all eat meat,and they’ll affirm that I’ve never even raisedan eyebrow about it.Now, do I think it strange that the samepeople who dress their dogs in berets andsend them to day spas are often unfazed thatan equally smart pig suffered and died to becometheir McSandwich? Yes, I do. Would Iprefer it if we at least raised these animalshumanely? Yes, I would.Let’s be honest, though: I’m not exactly St.Francis of Assisi over here, tenderly ministeringto every chipmunk that crosses my path.Not just salad: Unlike vegetarians of Indian heritage, Americansoften struggle to prepare a wholesome vegetarian mealI try to represent for the animal kingdom,but take a look at my shoes—they’re made ofleather, which, I am told by those with expertknowledge of it, comes from dead cows. Thisis the sort of revelation that prompts meatboosters to pick up the triumphant lambshank once again and accuse us of hypocrisy.Well, sort of. (Hey, you try to find a pair ofnonleather dress shoes.)My dedication to the cause might beA cartoon view: Dilbert’s pet, Dogbert, issurmised to be the alter ego of the cartoon’screator, Scott Adams, a staunch vegetarianincomplete, but I’d still say that doing somethingbeats doing nothing. It’s kind of likedriving a hybrid: not a solution to the globalwarmingdilemma but a decent start. Let’sjust say that at the dinner table, I roll in a Prius.Finally, grant me one cordial request:Please don’t try to convince us that beingvegetarian is somehow wrong. If you’re concernedfor my health, that’s very nice, thoughyou can rest assured that I’m in shipshape.If you want to have an amiable tête-à-têteabout vegetarianism, that’s great. But if youinsist on being the aggressive blowhard whotakes meatlessness as a personal insult andrails about what fools we all are,you’re only going to persuade methat you’re dumb.When someone says he’s religious,you probably don’t start thestump speech about how God is alie created to enslave the ignorantmasses, and it’s equally offensiveto berate an herbivore. I know youthink we’re crazy. That’s neat. Butseeing as I’ve endured the hassle ofbeing a vegetarian for several yearsnow, perhaps I’ve given this a littlethought. So let’s just agree to disagreeand joyously get on with it.Because, really, peace and understandingare what it’s all about:your porterhouse and my portobellocoexisting in perfect harmony—thoughpreferably not touching.We’re actually not so different, after all,my omnivorous chums. In fact, I like to thinkthat when an omnivore looks in the mirror,he just sees a vegetarian who happens to eatmeat. Or, no, wait, maybe the mirror seesthe omnivore through the prism of fleshand realizes we all have a crystalline soul.Hey, while you’re here: Have I ever told youabout anarchism?∏πby Taylor Clark, Slate Magazine58 hinduism today january/february/march, 2009 january/february/march, 2009 hinduism today 59usha krisunited media