Punch Bowl Spring 2003.qxd - The Pennsylvania Punch Bowl

Volume 77 Spring 2003 Issue TwoYe Olde Staff of YoreEditors-in-Chief:Rebecca Berkowitz ‘05Robert Cooper ‘05Timothy Pirolli ‘04Design Editor:Associate Editors:Sanzar Kakar ‘05Matt Jacobson ‘06Dave Kornfeld ‘06Brett Smiley ‘04Will Smythe ‘06Business Editor:Editor Abroad:Jonathan Rosen ‘03Michael Tseng ‘04Billy BeckermanZachary BleicherLinsday FullertonDan GomezSpoonsMark GutermanAaron HannCorey KanonAnthony NeshewatJeremy SamboraAaron ShortJohnnie ThomasFelix YelinPunch Bowl would like to thank $AC, Smoke’s, Allegro’s, Abner’s, Greek Lady, Billybob’s andGojjo Cherry Tree Inn, as well as the FOX Network for lowering the standards of American entertainment(and thus making our job easier!). Thanks to all of you protesters out there for being so farremoved from reality as to actually think you’ll ever make a difference in our totalitarian government.We like Legos.Punch Bowl is not responsible for any anger, confusion, bowel irritation, or horsegagging sufferedas a result of consumption of this magazine. It’s not our fault you don’t have a sense of humor.© Punch Bowl 2003.

Battling the Axis of Ivyby Michael Tseng and Will SmytheWith all of the arrogance, immaturity, and general swaggeringexpected from a native of Iowa, President Judith Rodin in her State of theUniversity speech declared Princeton, Harvard, and Yale Universities to bemembers of a nefarious “Axis of Ivy.”“Students of Penn,” she began after the requisite a capella group hadbeen booed off the stage, “it is time to recognize that evil does exist in theuniverse…ity. In fact, there are forces, that, among other things, will preventPenn from ever rising in the U.S. News and World Report rankings aboveits pitiful tied-for-fourth status. I shall name them for you: Princeton,Harvard, and Yale. They together form an Axis of Ivy.”In her one hundred and sixty minute address, punctuated frequentlyby standing ovations from the half of the audience composed of the trustees,she outlined a strategy for dealing with the three enemies.Harvard, she stated first, can look forward to a direct invasion.“Lawrence Summers tried to kill my daddy, after all,” said the teary-eyedRodin, before falling back into her oft-repeated mumblings about “Little Jimmy” having fallen down the well.The reclusive Yale regime, on the other hand, must be dealt with by “diplomatic means,” she continued. Longknown to be amassing an army with the possible intent of invading the girls' shower room, Yale “must not be provokedinto a catastrophe,” warned Rodin, reminiscent of Yale’s most recent attempt at electing a U.S. President.As for Princeton, Rodin let slip the dogs of war and ordered that every Penn student be distributed a “PuckFrinceton” t-shirt. “That’ll show the bastards,” she laughed, still amused after all these years by the many cleverwordplays that only Ivy League graduates find funny.When asked by some guy if Cornell, Brown, Dartmouth and Columbia are involved in covert operations toundermine the rankings of Penn, Rodin removed a cigarette from her ear, lit it, placed it in her mouth, and proceeded todouse the guy with motor oil. She then pistol whipped this random guy and lit his mofo ass on fire. One should notethat she diluted the motor oil in kerosene, to actually make it flammable. Get it? Nevermind....Commented one humor writer, “Man, this would have been so funny if it had been written, like, last year.”TP

y Sanzar Kakar and Brett Smiley

TPCompeting Motor Oils Vie for Penn ContractAccording to EVP Clifford Stanley, both the Pennzoiland Quaker State brands have appealed to the University tobecome Penn’s Official Motor Oil. Due to the appropriatenessof both their names, there is no decisive selection as ofyet. Top University scientists are currently putting thebrands through rigorous testing to determine whetherthe oils meet the University’s strict standards. Studentresearchers are eagerly participating in such tests as properlylubricating sorority girls before public wrestlingmatches, igniting students at room temperature, and givingProvost Barchi’s bald spot that extra sparkle.RB

Advertising Supplementby Rob Cooper, Dave Kornfeld and Corey Kanon

Punch Bowl Can’t Find Any Humor in Columbia Tragedyby Tim PirolliAfter months of agonizing scrutiny, the Punch Bowl staff concluded that there's actually nothing funny aboutthe shuttle Columbia tragedy. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.“I was thinking maybe it was funny because it landed mostly in Texas, and our president's from Texas, andhe's an idiot," explained Rob Cooper, "Then I thought about it and people died. That's not funny, not even when Idrop acid.""The only humor I could get out of it was about how all those middle school kids who spent 3 years gettingtheir ant farms to be sent into space had to watch in horror as their the flaming remnants of their projects rained downacross continental North America. Then I thought about all those brave ants, and, well, I broke down," reminiscedTim Pirolli."McCool's a funny name...and he's probably from Scotland, which in itself is funny. But, then again, he died… which is a shame because I had all these Scottish-sheep intercourse jokes lined up, even though none of them actuallyapplied to this situation," vociferated Mike Tseng."I had this line about how Israelis can't go anywhere without getting blown up ... but then the rest of the staffpummeled me, so now I'm back in hiding," telegraphed Matt Jacobson.“Wait, what happened with the space shuttle?” wondered Jon Rosen. “That happened last week? Well, I wasdrunk last week. Oh, it was the week before? Well, I was drunk that week too.”“I wanted to write an article entitled 'Endeavor Next' but the bastards at NASA got wind of my plans andquickly retired that shuttle. That's the third shuttle that I’ve inadvertently caused to be retired...I've had a busy week"stated Sanzar Kakar.“Don’t we need to put a disclaimer indicating that we know this is tasteless, so that Colombians don’t getoffended?” cowered Rebecca Berkowitz.“Huh….huh…..penis….huh.” blabbered Corey Kanon.“And who said motor oil couldn’t catch fire?” sincerely asked Dave Kornfeld.“I could be writing for ‘First Call’ right now,” whined Brett Smiley from the deck of his yacht.“Well, it’s a sad thing to have happen, but then again, now we know Bush’s missiledefense system works,” noted Will Smythe.“Avenge my death!!!” echoed the ghost of Jesse Friedman from Poland.WS