130224 You Make Me Crazy - Crazy People Pleaser

You Make Me Crazy: Crazy People PleaserJody Skogen, St. Mark’s Lutheran Church, 24 February 2013Objective: in a world where we sinfully focus on pleasing others or ourselves,people will be challenged, with truth from God’s word, to be God pleasers.You might be a people pleaser, if . . .• You’ve become a short-order cook in your own home, making a different mealfor each person in your family.• You look to your toddler to say “well done” after you clean the house.• You drive your car in such a way so that those driving behind you don’t grumbleabout your driving.• You’re so hungry for affirmation that you feel it important to put every possiblepositive occurrence in your life on Facebook.On a more serious note: IF you’re not a people pleaser, you’re likely a self pleaser orat the very least, you have people pleasers in your life, so I am certain that God hassome things He would like to challenge you with today.Title of our sermon this morning is – Crazy People Pleaser.So let me be transparent – I think they asked me to preach this sermon because, ofthose of us who give messages from time to time, I am the one best described as the“Crazy People Pleaser” – so thanks to them, I’ve lost sleep wondering what they thinkof me . . . Ha.One thing I’ve realized is that I have a particularly challenging struggle with thisbecause while I tend to be a people pleaser, I’m also someone who tends to be a bitbold and passionate – I don’t mind having a difficult conversation or taking a stand –which can be difficult – being bold and then later worrying about how I came off orwhat people think, or how I can win them in to thinking I am amazing.Pastor Rick Warren spoke on this topic of people pleasing and shared a letter from awoman in their congregation and I’d like to share it with you . . .Serious LetterDear Pastor Rick, there’s one area where I always make myself crazy. That isthe fear of disapproval. It really messes up my relationships and it makes memiserable. To be honest, I am so afraid of being rejected that I let people walk allover me. It affects what I say, what I wear. It even affects the food that I eat. Ihate feeling this weak. But I don’t know how to change.1

For all my life I have worried about what other people think about me. As alittle child, I quickly learned that certain things would bring the smile and approvalof my parents and other adults. Then when I started grade school, the approvalof my friend became the most important thing in my life. Now I’m in college. ButI’ve never grown out of this fear of being rejected. I still live my life mainly basedon the approval of others. [I know you’re relating to this] I want so badly to beliked, to fit in, and to be accepted that I have done all kinds of dumb stuff that myfriends and my boyfriends forced me to do. I really regret that. Most of the timeI know the right thing to do. I’m just afraid to do it, worrying about what myfriends will think.Why am I so weak? Why can’t I handle their disapproval? I have opinions, butI’m always afraid to express them. I remember one time you said the fear ofsharing your faith is a sign that you’re a people pleaser, that you’re controlled bythe opinions of others. I am tired of saying yes to people just because I’m afraidto say no. [I know you’re relating to that one.] I’m tired of caring too much aboutwhat other people think of me. I’m tired of being manipulated and used. But inmany ways it’s my fault. Sometimes I feel that I don’t even know who I am. I’mjust a collection of the expectations of others.”Wow! That is a brutally, brutally honest letter and I admire the person for writing it.This woman is talking about a very common problem that makes us all crazy. It isaddiction approval. It is the addiction to the approval of others. It’s one of the mostcommon destroyers of joy.If you don’t deal with this issue you will be miserable most of your life. You’ll becontrolled by other people. They will put you in their boxes. You’ll end up living thelife that your dad wanted you to live, your mom wanted you to live, your kids wantedyou to live, your spouse wanted you to live, your boyfriend or girlfriend. You’re notgoing to live the life God wanted you to live. You’ll ending up living the life everybodyelse put you in, and you’ll miss the gifts that God gave you, you’ll miss the purposeGod gave you. You’ll miss so many things in your life if you don’t learn how to not bea people pleaser.So this week during this “You Make Me Crazy” series, we’re going to look at the realitythat fearing the disapproval of other people, fearing the rejection of other people,fearing too much what other people think about your life, can make you crazy.When you do that, when you have that fear in your life, it lets all kinds of crazymakers in. You’ve left the door wide open. And all kinds of crazy makers candominate, can control, can manipulate, can cajole, can cause you to say yes when youwant to say no, and cause you to say no when you want to say yes, and miss all kindsof things in your life.Before we look at it, I need to explain to you that the desire to get the approval ofother people, that’s not a bad thing. That’s a legitimate need in your life. You doneed the approval of others in your life. You just don’t need it to dominate your life.2

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to please your parents. There’s nothing wrongwith wanting to please your husband, your wife. There’s nothing wrong with wantingto be loved, liked, and approved of by friends, by family, by neighbors. There’snothing wrong with that. Actually, you need an amount of approval in your life.The Bible tells us and actually commands us to try to please other people in manyways. In other words, don’t just live for yourself. If you don’t care at all aboutpleasing other people, then you’re only living for yourself. If someone has no interestin the approval of other people, they can become self-centered and selfish.It’s important to realize that . . . People pleasing can be destructive in our lives.1. It causes me to miss God’s purpose for my life. – if I’m more concernedabout what everyone else wants me to do. I can become unaware of whatGod wants for my life.2. It keeps me from growing in my faith. God’s role is diminished in mylife. – cuz I’m too busy looking at everyone else or evaluating myself andGod has a diminished role in my life.When God is big in our lives, when God is big, people have less power in our lives.Their influence is a little bit diminished when God is big in our lives.But on the flip side, when we allow people to be big, what ends up happening is Godbecomes diminished. And we give to people in our lives what really only belongs toGod. We give to people authority, we give the people influence, we give people whatGod deserves to have.A couple questions you might want to ask yourself: Whose opinion matters to memore – friends or God? Who am I going to trust and believe more – people or God?3. It leads me to sin – to care more about doing what will be approved of oraccepted. (Sometimes things that are against what God wants for me)In what area – areas – of my life, am I caving in to the expectations of other people?In what areas am I doing what I know is wrong in order to win the approval or toavoid the rejection of other people?4. It can keep me silent about who God is and what He’s done for me.It silences my ability to share the simple truths of who Jesus is and how he’s changedmy life.We find a story that illustrates this perfectly in John 9. Jesus rolls into the scene andhe heals a man who’s been blind all his life. You would think in that moment, wow!What a place to celebrate and declare God’s glories, God’s greatness. It doesn’t rollout that way.3

Some religious leaders are around and they go to this man’s parents, the man whohas just been healed and they say, “What do you think of Jesus? Who is this guy?”And what do they do? Instead of saying, “He just healed my son! He’s amazing! Hemust be God with skin on.” They say, “Why don’t you ask our son?”Scripture tells us they did this because they were afraid of what these religiousleaders would do. Their witness was silenced.This man’s parents were quiet for fear of losing their place in society – but in view ofGod’s mercy – how can we stay silent?Sometimes silence is golden. But in other cases, it’s just cowardly. It’s just straightcowardly. The desire to fit in keeps a lot of us quiet.I think for me, in this point as I’ve reflected on it and thought about it, it left me withone really penetrating question: Who around me would hear about Jesus if fear wasn’tan issue? For me the answer is, more people than are hearing about him right now.What’s the antidote, if people pleasing is the poison?By God’s power,We must stop aiming to be a people-pleaser and instead desire to be a Godpleaser.Parents: about 15 years ago – way before I was a parent, I heard Dr. James Dobsonon a radio segment challenge parents to raise their children to be God-pleasers. Hementioned that if we raise them to be parent pleasers that might result in wonderfulbehavior when they are small, but it teaches them to please you – and you are thecenter of their world – but as they grow into middle school and high school, the centerof their world and focus shifts from parents to friends . . . and when that happens,then they will be most interested in pleasing their peers . . . which as you can gathercan be disastrous on so many levels . . . but if we raise our children to be Godpleasers . . . then GOD is the center of their whole lives, and His leadership,perspective, opinion, influence will be what matters most (as it should).We must stop aiming to be a people-pleaser and instead desire to be a Godpleaser.(1 Thessalonians 2:4-6)1 Thessalonians 2:4-64For we speak as messengers approved by God to be entrusted with the GoodNews. Our purpose is to please God, not people. He alone examines themotives of our hearts. 5 Never once did we try to win you with flattery, as youwell know. And God is our witness that we were not pretending to be yourfriends just to get your money! 6 As for human praise, we have never sought itfrom you or anyone else.We are called to please God with our lives, “He is the one who examines the motivesof the heart.”4

If you do good things for YOUR glory, you may receive a reward now, but thereward will be much less than if your efforts are for God’s glory. (Matthew6:1-21)There’s a scripture passage that I have wrestled with for a long time:Jesus said, (in Matthew 6)6 “Watch out! Don’t do your good deeds publicly, to be admired by others, foryou will lose the reward from your Father in heaven.”Growing up – I loved the performing arts . . . dance class, high school: Dance team,loved to sing, be in musicals, play the flute and piano and sing in choir . . . I learnedfrom a very early age to work hard, give all you’ve got, in the end you’ll get what . . .Applause!Applause is a great reward. I might even say it’s a bit addicting.Jesus said . . .6 “Watch out! Don’t do your good deeds publicly, to be admired by others, foryou will lose the reward from your Father in heaven.2When you give to someone in need, don’t do as the hypocrites do—blowingtrumpets in the synagogues and streets to call attention to their acts of charity!I tell you the truth, they have received all the reward they will ever get. 3 Butwhen you give to someone in need, don’t let your left hand know what yourright hand is doing. 4 Give your gifts in private, and your Father, who seeseverything, will reward you.”There is a part of me that really wants to impress . . . our society rewards that – bethe best and you’ll move up, you’ll get the credit, you’ll be rewarded or awarded . . . ascholarship, a raise, a promotion, respect . . .Obviously those are not necessarily bad things . . . it’s not a bad thing to do goodthings or do your best, but if you’re doing (even good things) solely for the admirationor approval of others so that You will be lifted up, then the glory doesn’t go where itbelongs for the very gifts that God has given you.(Idea: ever had a situation when someone else got the credit for what you did?Wonder if God ever experiences that?) JRomans 12:1-212 And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies toGod because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. 2 Don’tcopy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a5

new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’swill for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.How do we break free? First, recognize your sin – ask for forgiveness which Godsupplies in full and then . . .Let God transform the way you think so that you can offer yourself to God forHis use, purposes, glory and honor. (Romans 12:1-2)What needs to change? The way we think. Think about life through these life-givingTruths . . .1. Even God can’t please everyone. – Both football teams and their fans are askingGod for the win – additionally, God can’t please everyone ‘cuz He also knowswhat’s best, and sometimes our human perspective of what’s “best” or whatwould “really make us happy” would be the opposite of best for us.a. As we just heard in Romans 12 – His will is good, pleasing, perfect . . . itdoesn’t say it’s YOUR favorite and YOUR most ideal.Think about this . . .2. I don’t need anyone’s approval to have joy.I don’t need it. Not only can I not get it, I don’t need it. You don’t needeveryone’s approval to have joy.What other people think of you has no relationship to your happiness unless youchoose to let them manipulate you. You don’t need other people’s approval to havejoy.Let me give you some facts of life that the Bible teaches. You can’t please everybody.You don’t have to please everybody. God doesn’t expect you to please everybody.You don’t need everybody’s approval to be happy. No matter what you do somebody’s going to disagree with you.But here’s the point. Some of you have spent all of your life trying in your mind toplease an unpleasable person. Probably a parent. You wanted to show them wrong.Your dad or your mom said or thought, “You’re never going to amount to anything.Why can’t you be like your brother?” You in your mind thought, I am going to earntheir approval. And you have tried and you have tried to win that person’s approval,that unpleasable person, and you haven’t got it. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the painyou’ve been in.But let me say something more important than that: It’s not about you. It’s not yourfault. It’s not saying anything about you. The problem is their problem. They areunpleasable. When you got C’s on your report card, they expected B’s. When you gotB’s, they expected A’s. When you got an A, they wanted straight A’s. They were6

always unpleasable. That’s their problem. It’s not your problem. If you haven’tgotten their approval by now you may never get it.But the good news is this: You don’t need it. You don’t need their approval. Let it go.What I need to do is learn the attitude of Jesus. Who only cared about the Father’sapproval.We already mentioned it: The bigger God is in your life, the smaller people are in yourlife. The bigger you make people in your life, the smaller God is. If God is big in yourlife, when Jesus is number one in your life, he sets you free from the approvaladdiction. Because you’re just focused on him.Jesus sets us free from a lot of things. The truth sets you free… If the Son sets youfree you shall be free indeed. He sets us free from the pain of bitterness. He sets usfree from the burden of guilt. He sets us free from the fear of death. There are a lotof things Jesus set us free from. But one of them he sets us free from is theexpectations of others. Wow! When you’re set free from the expectations of others,you can be who your Creator made you be, not what everybody else is trying to moldyou and make you to be.If you’re looking to somebody else to meet all your needs, it’s unfair to them and it’sdisappointing to you. The one thing about God is this: He has promised to never,never reject his children. Other people may reject you, but if you’re a child of God, ifyou’ve put your faith in Jesus Christ, you’re in the family of God, God says I willnever, never reject you. Because his love for you is unconditional.This is one of the most amazing verses in the Bible. Psalm 27:10, “Even if my fatherand mother abandon me, [they reject me] the Lord will hold me close.” I can counton that.So I don’t need everybody’s approval to be happy.Think about this . . .3. What can seem so important now is only temporary.Years ago, somebody did a prank at Christmastime in Wal-Mart. Some people went inon Christmas Eve day and they switched all the price tags around. The Christmasshoppers went into Wal-Mart and stuff that was supposed to cost a hundred buckswere now two cents. And stuff that was supposed to be a dollar ninety-five was nowfive hundred bucks. People got very confused, very angry, very upset because theprice tags had been switched.I want to tell you something: Satan has switched the price tags in life. And the stuffthat the world says is important, isn’t. It’s a con job. And the stuff that is important,you don’t really realize it. One of the things you’ve got to do… if you’re trying to focuson the short term, you’re going to try to please people.7

Jesus said, “The things that are highly valued by people are worth nothing inGod’s sight.” Luke 16:15The things that are highly valued by people are worth nothing in God’s sight.Think about this . . .4. I only have one Person to please.Really, in life, I only have to please one person. And that is my Creator. My God. MySavior. I only have to please the Lord, the one who made me and has a purpose formy life.That simplifies life enormously. You want to learn to live for an audience of one. Youonly need one person’s approval – God’s approval.5. God shaped me to be me, not someone else!God doesn’t want me to be you. God doesn’t want you to be somebody else. Whenyou get to heaven God isn’t going to say, Why weren’t you more like your brother?Why weren’t you more like your dad? Your mother? Whatever. When you get toheaven God’s going to say, I made you to be you.These 5 truths will set you free. If you let them burn into your memory, they willguide you and they will keep you from being controlled by crazy makers who want topush you into their mold. Will you have the integrity? Will you have courage? Willyou stand up and be who God made you to be and say what you know is the rightthing?Thinking differently based on the truth in God’s word, will transform you.The truth is . . .1) Even God can’t please everyone.2) I don’t need anyone’s approval to have joy.3) What can seem so important now is only temporary.4) I only have one Person to please.5) God shaped me to be me, no someone else!There’s only one person in the universe who knows you completely, who accepts youunconditionally, and who knows the purpose you were created for – Jesus Christ. Soyou need to get to know him. And make sure that his opinion of you matters morethan anybody else.8

Prayer:I want you to pray this prayer with me. Just say it in your mind: Dear God,you know how I often let other people’s approval or disapproval control my life. I’vedone a lot of dumb things that I really didn’t want to do. And I’ve said yes when Iwanted to say no, and I’ve said no to things that you wanted me to say yes to. AndI’m sorry. Help me to remember these truths, that I can’t please everybody. I don’tneed to please everybody. Help me to remember that what seems important is onlytemporary. And I only have to please one person. Help me to remember that oneday I’m going to give an account of my life to you. And what’s going to matter is thatyou shaped me to be me and not to be somebody else. Give me the courage to sayno when no is the right thing. And give me the courage to say yes, when yes is theright thing. I want to begin today by saying Yes to you. Yes, Jesus Christ, come intomy life. Thank you that you know me completely and love me unconditionally. JesusChrist, come in and save me. Change me. Change my mind. I don’t want to bemolded and squeezed into a mold by the world. I want to be exactly who I was madeto be by you. From this day forward I want to grow in making you what matters mostto me. You’re number one in my life from this day forward. No other gods, no idols.You’re number one. Your attitude matters most. Help me have the courage to do theright thing. In your name I pray. Amen.9