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Out on the water, I could see the boats start to sortthemselves out and form a line that would eventually passin front of the reviewing float. I positioned myself behindthe float so that I could get a good look at the lighted attractions.On they came. There were runabouts, trawlers, ketches,sloops, big motor yachts, one or two yawls. The biggerboats had elaborate displays, and some played Christmasmusic. The decorations ran the gamut from illuminatedcandy canes to a small sleigh, spotlighted and loaded withgifts on the bow of a 65-foot motor yacht.The contestants waved at the judges, and the judgeswaved back before recording a competitive score. As I saidearlier, there were about 50 boats, and they all paraded bywith efficiency and grace. The last boat had passed by—it wasa ketch with lovely twinkling white lights in the rigging—when out of the darkness from which the line of boats hadcome arose the sound of a pulsating beat. It was familiar andgetting closer. I searched my brain for a handle on the music,and then it came to me. What I was hearing at peak volumewas ZZ Top’s Sharp Dressed Man. I had seen the videos.As I stared in the direction of the music, I could see aboat coming my way. It was following the parade line, andI could see the running lights, red and green on the bow anda white light up off the deck. It was apparently a sailboatunder power. Behind the boat was what looked, from a distance,like a collection of moths fluttering in the illuminationfrom the stern light.On came the mystery vessel. Louder and louderbecame ZZ Top’s music, repeating over and over on the vessel’sstereo, which had to have had its speakers—big speakers—upon deck. ZZ Top was not providing much of aChristmas theme. They never have.As the boat got closer, I could see what looked likemoths at a distance was actually about 100 birds followingthe sailboat—it was Bubba Whartz’s Right Guard—whileducking into the boat’s wake to retrieve something that twopeople on the back of the boat were tossing in the water. Ifyou have ever seen gulls following a shrimper who’s shovelingunwanted catch over the side while coming back fromthe sea, you will have an idea of what it looked like. Thegulls were shrieking and diving and screaming and hoveringin orchestrated mass confusion.As the boat got closer still, I could see that the two peopleon the back of Bubba’s boat—Shorty and Bruno Velvetier,the interior decorator—were throwing handfuls of popcornto the waiting birds. The birds stayed right behind the boat,and their screams blended in with the ZZ Top music, until thecacophony mixed into indecipherable noise.The judges were transfixed by this latest apparition,Right Guard with Alfred Hitchcock’s demonic ornithologicalcongregation in tow, struck dumb by the noise and thebirds. They were struck dumb, that is, until Right Guard wasabeam and close aboard the judges’ float. At that exactmoment, one of Bubba’s buddies from The Blue Moon Bar,Tripwire, stepped up on deck and heaved a big paper bagfull of popcorn right onto the judges’ float.The squadron of birds, shrieking and diving and defecatingall at the same time, detached themselves from thestern of Right Guard and made a bee line for the greaterlargess that was now on the judges’ float. The resulting catastrophicconfusion unsettled the judges. Some fell overchairs before gaining better footing on dry land. Someended up in the water as they tried to avoid the beatingwings of more screeching birds than they had ever seen intheir lives.In the bewilderment that followed, Right Guard disappearedback into the night sans its birds that were otherwiseinvolved in trying to gobble up 10 pounds of popcorn in theSee BUBBA continued on page 69News & Views for Southern Sailors SOUTHWINDS January 2006 17