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CHAPTER30Dinner was painful. I fought for words that meant something while Gracetried to pretend that the indictment didn’t cut the world out from underher. We ate in silence because we could not discuss the next step, the ruletwenty-four hearing. Arguments would be made and it would be decided. Lifeor death. Literally. The night pressed down and we could not get drunkenough, forgetful enough. I told her to not give up hope, and she walked outsidefor most of an hour. When we went to bed, a blackness hung over thehouse, and hope, I knew, had abandoned us.I lay in the guest room and put my hand on the wall. Grace was awake. Ithought that Dolf probably was, too. My father. Robin. I wondered, just then, ifanybody slept. How anyone possibly could. Sleep did eventually come, but itwas a restless one. I woke at two o’clock and again at four. I remembered nodreams, but woke each time to churning thoughts and a sense of mountingdread. At five o’clock, I rose, head pounding, no chance of sleep. I dressed andslipped outside. It was dark, but I knew the paths and fields. I walked until thesun came up. I looked for answers, and failing that, I scrounged for hope. If276