Excerpt of Included!

DOWN RIVERI knew her.I thought of what the preacher had said to me about the nature of mymother’s death. “There’s no one to blame,” he’d said, and in the shadow of thechurch I’d always known, those words made some kind of sense. But not now.I’d been angry for twenty years, unsettled, restless. It was like I had a shardof glass in my mind, a red blade that twisted through the soft parts of me, traveledthe dark roads, cutting. I’d always blamed my mother, but now I understood.She’d pulled the trigger, yes, done it in front of me, her only child. Butwhat I’d said to my father was true. She’d wanted him to see it, and now I understoodwhy. Eight years of miscarriages. Constant failure until it wore herdown to nothing.Then, somehow, she knew.And pulled the trigger.The anger, I finally realized, was not at my mother, whose soul had simplywithered beyond her capacity to restore. Being angry at her was unfair, and inthat, I’d failed her. She deserved better. Deserved more. I wanted to weep forher, but could not.There was no place in me for gentle emotion.I pressed the call button for the nurse, a large woman with brown skin andindifferent eyes. “People are going to want to talk to me,” I said. “I don’t wantto speak to anyone until nine thirty. Can you make that happen?”She leaned back, a twist of smile on her face. “Why nine thirty?”“I need to make some calls.”She turned for the door. “I’ll see what I can do.”“Nurse,” I said. “If Detective Alexander comes, I’ll speak with her.”I looked at the clock. Five forty-eight. I called Robin at home. She wasawake. “Did you mean what you said about choice?”“I think I was pretty plain.”“Words are easy, Robin; life is hard. I need to know if you really mean it? Allof it. The good and the bad. The consequences.”“This is the last time I’m going to say it, Adam, so don’t ask me again. I mademy choice. You’re the one holding back. If you want to talk about choice, thenwe need to talk about you. It can’t be a one-way street. What’s the point?”I gave myself a second, and then I committed, for better or worse. “I need297