The Bell Jar - nubuk.com

poet, and Philomena Guinea, and Jay Cee, and the Christian Scientist lady and lord
knows who, and they all wanted to adopt me in some way, and, for the price of their care
and influence, have me resemble them.
"I like you."
"That's tough, Joan," I said, picking up my book. "Because I don't like you. You
make me puke, if you want to know."
And I walked out of the room, leaving Joan lying, lumpy as an old horse, across
my bed.
I waited for the doctor, wondering if I should bolt. I knew what I was doing was
illegal -- in Massachusetts, anyway, because the state was cram-jam full of Catholics --
but Doctor Nolan said this doctor was an old friend of hers, and a wise man.
"What's your appointment for?" the brisk, white-uniformed receptionist wanted to
know, ticking my name off on a notebook list.
"What do you mean, for?" I hadn't thought anybody but the doctor himself would
ask me that, and the communal waiting room was full of other patients waiting for other
doctors, most of them pregnant or with babies, and I felt their eyes on my flat, virgin
stomach.
The receptionist glanced up at me, and I blushed.
"A fitting, isn't it?" she said kindly. "I only wanted to make sure so I'd know what
to charge you. Are you a student?"
"Ye-es."
"That will only be half-price then. Five dollars, instead of ten. Shall I bill you?"
I was about to give my home address, where I would probably be by the time the
bill arrived, but then I thought of my mother opening the bill and seeing what it was for.
The only other address I had was the innocuous box number which people used who
didn't want to advertise the fact they lived in an asylum. But I thought the receptionist
might recognize the box number, so I said, "I better pay now," and peeled five dollar
notes off the roll in my pocketbook.
The five dollars was part of what Philomena Guinea had sent me as a sort of getwell
present. I wondered what she would think if she knew to what use her money was
being put.
Whether she knew it or not, Philomena Guinea was buying my freedom,
"What I hate is the thought of being under a man's thumb," I had told Doctor
Nolan. "A man doesn't have a worry in the world, while I've got a baby hanging over my
head like a big stick, to keep me in line."
"Would you act differently if you didn't have to worry about a baby?"
"Yes," I said, "but. . ." and I told Doctor Nolan about the married woman lawyer
and her Defense of Chastity.
Doctor Nolan waited until I was finished. Then she burst out laughing.
"Propaganda!" she said, and scribbled the name and address of this doctor on a
prescription pad.
I leafed nervously through an issue of Baby Talk. The fat, bright faces of babies
beamed up at me, page after page -- bald babies, chocolate-colored babies, Eisenhowerfaced
babies, babies rolling over for the first time, babies reaching for rattles, babies
eating their first spoonful of solid food, babies doing all the little tricky things it takes to