LOVE

WARNING: This is a humor piece. Unlike most other astrology columns, this
column has no scientific basis, and is not intended as a guide to life decisions.
Walker and Prescott.com by Drew-Michael
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
As fate would have it, you went home with the wrong guy two months ago. Your soul
mate showed up about ten minutes after you left. But, don’t fret. Your paths will cross
once more in two years’ time. In the meanwhile, be gentle with the poor sap you’ve
shacked up with by mistake. He’s more vulnerable than he seems.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
We know you’re upset, but don’t let that disastrous perm stop you from going to that
play you just read about on page five. You can always wear a hat, or, if you find the
right outfit at the thrift store, you just might be able to make it look intentional.
Pisces (February 19- March 19)
Stop trying to convince yourself your dog is enough. We know you have an unnaturally
close relationship with him, but there are limits to the kind of love two different species
can share.
Aries (March 20 – April 19)
Warning: spoiler ahead. Read on only if you already know the truth about your romantic
situation. Still with us? As a money-saving tip, we suggest you stop buying two plane
tickets when you travel. We know your girlfriend is very real to you, but...let’s just say
she’s invisible to airport security and airline employees. If the flight is crowded, she
can sit on your lap, and with the money you save, you can vacation twice as often.
Taurus (April 20- May 20)
There are two stages of romantic love: before you’re able to fart in his presence, and
afterwards. You’ve been stuck in Stage One for a long time now, and your digestive
tract is in danger of permanent damage. Tonight is the night to move to Stage Two.
Give him fair warning, and then…Well, do what comes natural. There are romantic
rewards waiting for you on the “other side.” We can tell you from experience.
Skinny Panda by Phil Cho
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
It’s time to stop reading your boyfriend’s e-mail. It’s unfair to be so angry with him,
when has no idea why. Poor guy is completely bewildered half the time, and the rest of
the time he just assumes you’re crazy.
Cancer (June 21 – July 20)
Stop boring your friends with diatribes about work-out regimens you want to start but
for which you can’t find the time. You haven’t exercised even once in the last year,
and you have no intention of starting. So find something new to berate yourself for not
doing: like flossing, or reading, or using your turn signal.
The Hot Zone by Mark Darcourt
Leo (July 21 – August 20)
Why are you always late everywhere you go? You tried setting your clock ahead
15 minutes, then it was 20, and now it’s 25. But all it did was make you quicker at
subtracting. It’s not your watch that needs resetting; it’s your attitude. Being prompt is
a common courtesy, not a waste of time.
Virgo (August 21 – September 20)
Stop beating yourself up. It’s normal for young people to do stupid and memorable
things while intoxicated. You can make everyone forget you went skinny-dipping in
the fountain at the Grove last weekend if you do something even more humiliating this
weekend.
Libra (September 21 – October 22)
As your birthday approaches, your thoughts are filled with self-criticism and unfair
comparisons to people who are way more successful than you are or ever will be.
Instead, try comparing yourself to someone upon whom you can look down.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You’re going to meet someone interesting this week. Time to brush up on your
conversation skills. When someone else is talking to you, try listening instead of
tuning them out while you think up something impressively intelligent to say when it’s
your “turn.” People only find you interesting if you at least pretend to be interested in
them.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Your “Good Mood” book hasn’t put you in a good mood. Your How to Treat
Depression and Build Your Abs While Sitting in Traffic book almost got you in an
accident. Perhaps you should stop wasting your hard-earned money on “self-help”
books, and try to help others instead. Send that money to the Red Cross or Amnesty
International. Helping others can help you to feel better about yourself too. P
ENTERTAINMENT TODAY
Astrological Forecasts by Lady Katsura
and Suki Yaki are now on the radio! Tune in to “Harrison on the Edge” on
KTLK AM 1150 Mondays at midnight for the new Psychic Astrology talk
segment with host Cary Harrison. “Harrison on the Edge” airs weekdays
from 10 PM to 1 AM and Saturdays from 2 PM to 5 PM • www.goHarrison.com
ENTERTAINMENT TODAY SEPTEMBER 15-21, 2006 |38|