Passive Agression abuse 2

Annahita Nezami on Passive Aggression
I think in order to tackle larger scale societal problems effectively (war, hunger) we have to
be seen to at least try and tackle societal ailments deemed as more minor. As a nation,
whether we like to admit it or not, many of us feel increasingly detached, and increasingly
find it difficult to express genuine empathy and humanity. I worry about a society that is
governed by ruthless competition and capitalism (although i would like to point out i love the
society we live in too!), where success is more often than not gauged on money, your
role/position and how ruthless and manipulative one can be. Many have lost the ability to
stand up for daily moral misdemeanours that we see in the class room, at work, in our
families in order to save our own reputation or because we don't want to get involved.
Maybe change starts with us confronting those who we witness oppressing, treating others
with contempt or malice within everyday life, where we put aside our own needs /wants
momentarily in order to stand up for the greater good and these injustices. There have been a
few occasions i have found myself involuntarily pulled into petty squabbles and battles in the
theatre of life, and have been left feeling confused and used. I used to have a naive view of
the world that we all function on similar psychological dials and respond to the same
emotional cues. However as i grew up i realised that we are all made up of different stuff,
and we function very differently in order to achieve our goals and survive. This notion of
survival of the fittest rings true. I realised that for some survival means control and power,
and for some this is achieved through psychological means, for example scheming, tainting,
and mentally battling with others who are seen as competition. Surely for those who value
their own merit and believe in hard work this ascend to success should happen regardless of
who is tainting your reputation. From my experience perseverance does pay off, (although i
am sure some are not as fortunate). But on this journey to success (on-going) i have faced
malicious ridicule and covert oppression. I believe these attacks have occurred because of of
my own insecurities, as well as the perpetrators envy, insecurities and jealousies. We are all
likely to have this experience at one point or another which is referred to as passive
aggression. I have found that this type of interaction has somewhat tainted my childhood
spirit of openness, empathy and diminished my ability to trust in others. This experience can
convert the most trusting and kind person into a doubting and distrustful individual and is
therefore important to address in the classroom, work place or at home. Although we all have
the tenancy to be passive aggressive at times, the person whose personality is more malicious
and predominantly dominated by this stance often displays Machiavellian characteristics.
This term describe a person's tendency to be unemotional, and therefore able to detach him or
herself from conventional morality and hence to deceive and manipulate others and is a
characteristic that extreme manipulative personality types possess. Often this personality
type comes from troubled childhood, where the perpetrator was not validated or able to talk
about their feelings, or live a harmonious open relationship with their loved ones. These
earlier beginnings lead to unresolved jealousies/envies and the formation of defence
mechanisms such as ‘passive aggression’ or ‘covert manipulation’ and make it very difficult

to form meaningful relationships, and can lead to mental health problems in later life. In
extreme forms malicious passive aggression is a deceptive and abusive tactic and its sole
purpose is to advance the interests of the manipulator, often at another's expense, such
methods can be exploitative and devious. Manipulators can have various possible
motivations, including but not limited to: the need to advance their own purposes and
personal gain at virtually any cost to others; a strong need to attain feelings of power and
superiority in relationships with others; a want and need to feel in control (aka. control freak);
a desire to gain a feeling of power over others in order to raise their perception of selfesteem;
and boredom, or growing tired of his/her surroundings.
The aggressor often conceals aggressive intentions and behaviours, knows the
psychological vulnerabilities of the victim to determine which tactics are likely to be the most
effective and has a sufficient level of ruthlessness to have no qualms about causing harm to
the victim if necessary. The victim is often left feeling powerless, and finds it difficult to
detail why they are upset. In the modern world we as a society are intolerant of direct
aggression, because it is a violation of another person’s space/freedom, it causes pain and
suffering, and it is breaking societal rules of law. We often view the aggressor
unremorsefully and think of them as damaged. In my view bullying through malicious
passive aggression tactics should be viewed similarly. I worry for those who are more
vulnerable or unstable in society, i worry that they will not be able to process and manage
such assaults and when they respond, which is likely to be in unconventional ways
(aggression, dissociate/drugs, withdrawal) we stigmatise and belittle. I wonder is it always
obvious who the abused is and who is the abuser, the pendulum of abuse swings back and
forth. We should create a zero tolerance ideology, put strategies in place that openly deal
with such circumstances and appoint managers/leaders who are capable and willing to
address the problem.
Certain types of people in society are more likely to fall prey to such tactics and these are
more often than not those who are more vulnerable.
According to Simon, manipulators exploit the following vulnerabilities that may exist in
victims:
naïveté - victim finds it too hard to accept the idea that some people are cunning, devious
and ruthless or is "in denial" if he or she is being victimized.
over-conscientiousness - victim is too willing to give manipulator the benefit of the doubt
and see their side of things in which they blame the victim.
low self-confidence - victim is self-doubting, lacking in confidence and assertiveness,
likely to go on the defensive too easily.
over-intellectualization - victim tries too hard to understand and believes the manipulator
has some understandable reason to be hurtful.

emotional dependency - victim has a submissive or dependent personality. The more
emotionally dependent the victim is, the more vulnerable he or she is to being exploited
and manipulated
Clinical psychologist Harriet Braiker identified the following basic ways that manipulators
control their victims:
Positive reinforcement: includes praise, superficial charm,
superficial sympathy (crocodile tears), excessive apologizing, money, approval, gifts,
attention, facial expressions such as a forced laugh or smile, and public recognition.
Negative reinforcement: involves removing one from a negative situation as a reward,
e.g. "You won't have to do your homework if you allow me to do this to you."
Intermittent or partial reinforcement: Partial or intermittent negative reinforcement can
create an effective climate of fear and doubt. Partial or intermittent positive
reinforcement can encourage the victim to persist - for example in most forms of
gambling, the gambler is likely to win now and again but still lose money overall.
Punishment: includes nagging, yelling, the silent treatment, intimidation,
threats, swearing, emotional blackmail, the guilt trip, sulking, crying, and playing the
victim.
Traumatic one-trial learning: using verbal abuse, explosive anger, or other intimidating
behavior to establish dominance or superiority; even one incident of such behavior
can condition or train victims to avoid upsetting, confronting or contradicting the
manipulator.
Simon identified the following manipulative techniques:
Lying: It is hard to tell if somebody is lying at the time they do it, although often the truth
may be apparent later when it is too late. One way to minimize the chances of being lied
to is to understand that some personality types (particularly psychopaths) are experts at
the art of lying and cheating, doing it frequently, and often in subtle ways.
Lying by omission: This is a very subtle form of lying by withholding a significant
amount of the truth. This technique is also used in propaganda.
Denial: Manipulator refuses to admit that he or she has done something wrong.
Rationalization: An excuse made by the manipulator for inappropriate behavior.
Rationalization is closely related to spin.
Minimization: This is a type of denial coupled with rationalization. The manipulator
asserts that his or her behavior is not as harmful or irresponsible as someone else was
suggesting, for example, saying that a taunt or insult was only a joke.
Selective inattention or selective attention: Manipulator refuses to pay attention to
anything that may distract from his or her agenda, saying things like "I don't want to hear
it".

Diversion: Manipulator not giving a straight answer to a straight question and instead
being diversionary, steering the conversation onto another topic.
Evasion: Similar to diversion but giving irrelevant, rambling, vague responses, weasel
words.
Covert intimidation: Manipulator throwing the victim onto the defensive by using veiled
(subtle, indirect or implied) threats.
Guilt trip: A special kind of intimidation tactic. A manipulator suggests to
the conscientious victim that he or she does not care enough, is too selfish or has it easy.
This usually results in the victim feeling bad, keeping them in a selfdoubting,
anxious and submissive position.
Shaming: Manipulator uses sarcasm and put-downs to increase fear and self-doubt in the
victim. Manipulators use this tactic to make others feel unworthy and therefore defer to
them. Shaming tactics can be very subtle such as a fierce look or glance, unpleasant tone
of voice, rhetorical comments, subtle sarcasm. Manipulators can make one feel ashamed
for even daring to challenge them. It is an effective way to foster a sense of inadequacy in
the victim.
Playing the victim role: Manipulator portrays him- or herself as a victim of circumstance
or of someone else's behavior in order to gain pity, sympathy or evokecompassion and
thereby get something from another. Caring and conscientious people cannot stand to see
anyone suffering and the manipulator often finds it easy to play on sympathy to get
cooperation.
Vilifying the victim: More than any other, this tactic is a powerful means of putting the
victim on the defensive while simultaneously masking the aggressive intent of the
manipulator, while the manipulator falsely accuses the victim as being an abuser in
response when the victim stands up for or defends themselves or their position.
Playing the servant role: Cloaking a self-serving agenda in guise of a service to a more
noble cause, for example saying he is acting in a certain way to be "obedient" to or in
"service" to an authority figure or "just doing their job".
Seduction: Manipulator uses charm, praise, flattery or overtly supporting others in order
to get them to lower their defenses and give their trust and loyalty to him or her. They
will also offer help with the intent to gain trust and access to an unsuspecting victim they
have charmed.
Projecting the blame (blaming others): Manipulator scapegoats in often subtle, hard-todetect
ways. Often, the manipulator will project his/her own psychotic thinking onto the
victim, making the victim look like he/she has done something wrong. Manipulators will
also claim that the victim is the one who is at fault for believing lies that they were
conned into believing, as if the victim forced the manipulator to be deceitful. All blame,
except for the part that is used by the manipulator to accept false guilt, is done in order to
make the victim feel guilty about making healthy choices, correct thinking and good
behaviors. It is frequently used as a means of psychological and emotional manipulation

and control. Manipulators lie about lying, only to re-manipulate the original, less
believable story into a "more acceptable" truth that the victim will believe. Projecting lies
as being the truth is another common method of control and manipulation. Manipulators
love to falsely accuse the victim as "deserving to be treated that way." They often claim
that the victim is crazy and/or abusive, especially when there is evidence against the
manipulator. (See Feigning, below.)
Feigning innocence: Manipulator tries to suggest that any harm done was unintentional or
that they did not do something that they were accused of. Manipulator may put on a look
of surprise or indignation. This tactic makes the victim question his or her
own judgment and possibly his own sanity.
Feigning confusion: Manipulator tries to play dumb by pretending he or she does not
know what the victim is talking about or is confused about an important issue brought to
his or her attention. The manipulator intentionally confuses the victim in order for the
victim to doubt his/her own accuracy of perception, often pointing out key elements that
the manipulator intentionally included in case there is room for doubt. Sometimes
manipulators will have used cohorts in advance to help back up their story.
Brandishing anger: Manipulator uses anger to brandish sufficient emotional intensity
and rage to shock the victim into submission. The manipulator is not actually angry, he or
she just puts on an act. He just wants what he wants and gets "angry" when denied.
Controlled anger is often used as a manipulation tactic to avoid confrontation, avoid
telling the truth or to further hide intent. There are often threats used by the manipulator
of going to police, or falsely reporting abuses that the manipulator intentionally contrived
to scare or intimidate the victim into submission. Blackmail and other threats of exposure
are other forms of controlled anger and manipulation, especially when the victim refuses
initial requests or suggestions by the manipulator. Anger is also used as a defense so the
manipulator can avoid telling truths at inconvenient times or circumstances. Anger is
often used as a tool or defense to ward off inquiries or suspicion. The victim becomes
more focused on the anger instead of the manipulation tactic.
Bandwagon Effect: Manipulator comforts the victim into submission by claiming
(whether true or false) that many people already have done something, and the victim
should as well. These include phrases such as "Many people like you..." or "Everyone
does this anyways."
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_manipulation