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Time-outs vs. time-ins Tips for fostering effective and connective discipline By Judy M. Miller Time-ins versus time-outs. What’s the difference? As it turns out, quite a bit. Many adults are familiar with the concept of time-outs — the process of separating the child, often in another part of the house, if home, from his parents for the purpose of calming down, thinking about his behavior, and regrouping. Time-outs withhold attention, the highest motivator for any child. Overused, timeouts can quickly become ineffective, and both the parent and child can feel bad about the experience. Time-ins are similar to time-outs in that they focus on teaching children to self-regulate their behavior. However, time-ins differ from time-outs, because they emphasize regaining peace and balance of the situation while the child is within close proximity to his parent. And this physical closeness while calming helps to foster connection and security between the child and parent. There are several things a parent needs to be on board with to effectively use time-ins. The first is that they should understand what discipline is: the training or teaching that reinforces the desired specific behavior (self-regulation) and ordered way of life compatible with family and societal expectations. The second is that the parent should embrace a new attitude, that of being child-centered. The parent should focus on how to best address what her child needs. The use of time-ins is well suited to any child, and can be used for a child of any age. Parents who are bonded with their child are the most effective in using time-ins because their child is attuned (emotionally connected) to them. The parent can explain why the behavior was inappropriate after the child has calmed down, but only if she is also calm. Parents who are emotional cannot help their child or address a situation. To use time-ins effectively: • Keep your child within proximity of where you are, be it in the kitchen, gardening, or on your lap, if very young. • Give your child some “distance” by avoiding direct eye contact. • Eliminate conversation until your child has indicated he is ready to talk about the situation. • Gently resume eye contact and positive non-verbal cues (nodding, smiling) as you discuss the situation (misbehavior). • Be aware of your tone. • Think about your word choices. • Correct without shaming. • Be specific about your expectations. • Lower yourself to your child’s level, if necessary — kneeling, for example. • Touch your child. For example, a gentle hand on the shoulder. • Offer a hug. Research shows that a 30-second hug releases oxytocin, the “bonding” hormone, and has another emotional and physical benefit — stress reduction. Other dos and don’ts • Avoid showing anger. Your child cannot calm down if you are angry. Model the behavior you want to see in your child. • Avoid grabbing or jerking your child. Your goal is not punishment, but helping your child to calm and understand what behavior was inappropriate. • Do not berate your child. Doing so can cause your child to “mute” you. • Do not talk about your child’s behavior within the hearing of others, especially peers; this causes shame and public humiliation. • Do not give your child something to do or watch while in time-in. This time is for reflection. • Speak calmly and firmly. • If using a place for your child to sit, use the same place and same seat. • If you have an older child (5 to 10 years of age), consider giving him something constructive to do, like a puzzle or craft. Talk to your child while he creates. This can help the older child process his feelings. • Use a timer; this indicates you are committed to the time-in. If your child is not or does not feel calm or quiet when the timer goes off (ask), set it again. • Remain calm and gentle after the time-in is over. This encourages selfregulation, which is your goal. Judy M. Miller savors time with her kids. She is a certified Gottman Institute educator and the author of “What To Expect From Your Adopted Tween” and “Writing to Heal Adoption Grief: Making Connections & Moving Forward.” 6 Manhattan <strong>Family</strong> • April 2016
St. Luke’s School is EXPANDING OPEN HOUSE WEDNESDAY, MAY 11 4:00-5:30 P.M. Founded in 1945 and located on a two-acre landmark block in the West Village. St. Luke’s School offers a balanced and challenging Junior Kindergarten through Grade 8 curriculum that serves students of all faiths. St. Luke’s School has a long history of preparing its students for the rigors of high school. RSVP Required: 212-924-5960 or www.stlukeschool.org April 2016 • Manhattan <strong>Family</strong> 7
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