Dating Pamphlet edited (1) (Autosaved)

I. Deciding You Are Ready to Date:
A. Are You Ready?
Before you even begin dating, you must set goals
and ask yourself some questions. What do you want from
life? What do you want from your spouse? Where do you
want to live? Questions like these should be answered
from the start.
If you are a male, you need to decide if you can
support a girl. You cannot enter a marriage assuming you
will be supported by your wife (or your parents); you
need to put forth effort to support her. If you choose the
Kollel path of life, you would need to figure out how
much pay you will receive, whether your parents will
help with support, or whether your wife will work and
support you. A criterion for a wife may be that she must
work because you plan on learning. However, you still
need to make sure that you have what it takes to support
a wife and, eventually, a family.
Common questions that you should answer before even
deciding to date:
What are your life aspirations? What type of girl/boy are
you looking for? Would you be willing to relocate? Do
you have financial stability? Are you ready for such a
commitment? Do you have a support system? Are you
willing to compromise? Do you feel accomplished in your
life so far? Do you feel that you have learned enough?
If you plan on starting off your married life in
kollel, you need to figure out; how long are you going to
stay in Kollel for? Is Kollel leading up to a job or is it open
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ended Kollel? Is there a job waiting for you when you
decide to take it? Do you have the degrees necessary for
that job when you finish? Do you realize how much your
costs will go up when you have children?
If you are a female, are you willing to work for a
bit until your husband is able to find a steady job? Are
your parents willing to help support? Will you continue
working when pregnant or while having a child? Are you
ready to start working immediately after getting
married?
There are many other questions that need to be
answered. You may want to speak to your rabbi, parents,
and friends to help explore priorities and other elements
involved in finding a match.
B. Support System
A support system is one of the most important
things that you need while you are dating. You will have
questions during the dating process, such as: “Perhaps I
am not ready to date.” “Perhaps he or she is not the
one/my basheirt.” “Perhaps I am settling and not getting
what I feel I need/want.” “How much stock do I put into
looks, attitude, and family? Etc.” You may confront road
blocks along the way, and you will likely need to seek
guidance from another person.
Choosing a rabbi is essential. A rabbi is available
to help answer any questions as you prepare to begin the
dating process. It is important for you to consult with
your rabbi to help you decide if you are ready. This is
more common with a man because he is either in yeshiva
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or in a learning program and is close with a rabbi. A rabbi
will also answer questions along the way, including
halachic questions, for example, are there issues
regarding yichud if a date ends at 10 pm? You may also
need guidance as to issues on which you may
compromise versus those that are non-negotiable. A
rabbi provides spiritual guidance, and it is imperative
that you rely on one during this process. Women
however, may have a seminary teacher that they may
use as a Rabbi in regards to seeking guidance, and such a
person should be part of your support system.
Having your parents support you during the
dating process is crucial. They know you best and provide
guidance as well as constant love and support. Having
parents in your support group will help you answer
certain questions, such as, “Is this the right person for
me?” “How will she fit into my family?”
In addition, married friends are important to
include in your support group. They can speak to you
about their dating experiences and tell you what you
really need to hear from a friend. They have gone
through the system and can answer certain philosophical
and on the ground questions that you may have. Your
married friends are also proof that the dating process can
be successful and that you will find someone to marry.
You may run into obstacles along the way and may want
to give up, but your friends will show you that the value
of the system.
Lastly, you need your closest friends, whether
single or married. They are accessible for everything, for
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late nights when you need to chat, if the person you are
dating decides to end it and you need a shoulder to cry
on. Your friends are the people who help you through
every step of the way, and to just sit and chat with you
about your dates and about everything else in life.
Having this support system will help you manage
the dating system – it is a must. Before you even start
dating, make certain that you have a support system in
place for you every step of the way.
C. Taking Care of Yourself
It is always important for you to take care of
yourself both physically and mentally. It is a mitzvah in
the Torah to make sure that you are healthy and that you
make healthy life choices. See the Rambam in hilchos
deios. V’nishmartem me’od l’nafshoseichim. These
include exercising or being physically active, watching
what you eat, not consuming an excess of alcohol, and
much more. Your body and your appearance has to be
very important to you, and your appearance will make a
difference when you are dating.
Everyone looks different from one another, and
people are attracted to all different types of looks. When
desiring to date, it is important to put forth effort to look
your best. It is similar to a job interview; you put your
best foot forward to impress your possible employer. So,
too, when it comes to dating, you should put your best
foot forward.
It is, of course, important to incorporate and
maintain a healthy life style throughout your life. This
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includes selecting healthy food choices and integrating
an exercise/workout regimen into your daily routine.
When you feel confident and good about yourself, you
will present yourself to others in a more appealing and
self-assured manner.
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II.
Finding Your Match
A. Preparing a Resume
It is extremely important to develop a resume or
dating profile, whether you use it or not. Making a dating
profile will help you more easily answer questions as to
what you are looking for in your spouse. Oftentimes,
there is a limited amount of time with a shadchan, and
you, therefore, would want to be prepared to answer
questions as quickly and well as possible.
Furthermore, a dating profile helps to expedite
the dating process. If a shadchan asks for your resume,
you are organized and ready to provide one. Your resume
should be limited to one page and easy to read.
Your dating resume/profile should include the following
points:
Your name
Your age
Your contact information
Your education
Your job/profession
An updated picture of yourself
Information about your family (parents and
siblings, their professions, etc.)
Brief description about yourself
Brief description about the type of person you
are seeking
References (friend, family friend, teacher/Rabbi)
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Here is a sample resume:
בסײד
NAME
Address • Email • Number
Age:
Height:
Education:
Touro College, New York, NY
January 2013 – May 2014
Darchei Binah Seminary, Jerusalem, Israel
September 2011 – January 2013
Hannah Sacks Bais Yaakov, Chicago, IL
August 2007 – June 2011
Parents:
Father – General Contractor
Mother – Nurse
Siblings:
Rachel 25 Married to…, living in Cincinnati, OH; Web Developer
Ben 23 Accountant, Chicago, IL
Shul Affiliation: Congregation Adas Yeshurin (Rabbi, Number)
About Me:
References:
Rav
Seminary/Yeshiva Teacher
Friend
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Before identifying a reference on your resume,
make sure to contact him/her for permission. If you have
not been in contact with this person for a little while, you
may want to make him/her current regarding what you
have been involved in, your aspirations, and how you
would prefer he/she responds to certain questions. For
example, you may desire to name a rabbi from yeshiva
or seminary as a reference. Although you may have
maintained a connection with him, he may be unaware
of what you have been doing. You should, therefore, call
him and ask him if he is willing to serve as a reference,
and you should then bring him up-to-date about your
current activities and future goals. Make sure to also
always update you references in case anything has
changed.
Make sure when choosing your references that
you choose someone who will relay over accurate and
positive information about you. One may be compelled
to put down their school principal as a reference just
because the principal may know them best, but
sometimes that is not the greatest choice. If you were
someone who caused a lot of problems throughout
school, your principal may not have such positive things
to say about you. You always want positive and accurate
things to be said about you so choose your references
wisely.
B. Networking
After you have created your dating profile, you
should make it known that you are interested in dating.
There are various ways to look for a potential spouse.
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The most common being to meet with a shadchan. A
shadchan is someone who will review your resume,
discuss plans, and assist in helping you find as spouse.
Friends and community are another effective
networking source. Let them know you are interested in
dating, tell them the type of person you are seeking, and
indicate your willingness to meet someone they may
come across or hear about. There are times when they
will know of someone from a different city or even one
from your own city that a shadchan is not aware of. Do
not be shy about letting people know your desire to date.
When trying to find a spouse, you have to be
proactive and call the shadchan often to ensure they
remember you. A shadchan may oftentimes misplace
your name in the mix of all of the other people who come
to them. Contact your shadchan once every other week
to remind them to look for you and to possibly alter any
criteria you have previously mentioned. Sometimes
email is the best mode of communication for a shadchan,
and this way you do not overly annoy them.
C. Going to a Shadchan
When visiting a shadchan, it is important to be at
your best. The way you present yourself with regard to
appearance and comportment is what the shadchan will
report to a potential date. Dress appropriately in dress
clothing and behave respectfully. You want to present
yourself as positively as possible.
Be prepared to answer any questions about
yourself. Shadchanim oftentimes have a very limited
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amount of time with you and, therefore, require short,
quick answers. Know what you are looking for and
prepare to ‘sell’ yourself. Market yourself in the best way
possible so you will be appealing to the shadchan as well
as to anyone to whom they introduce you. Be positive
about yourself, emphasizing your mast admirable
qualities, but be certain to represent yourself honestly.
Again, it is important to follow up with the
shadchan on a regular basis. If the shadchan is located in
the same city as you, you should contact him/her once
every other week to remind them that you are still
available. If the shadchan is from a different city, you
should contact him/her at least once a week so that they
remember you. A shadchan from your own city will see
you in your community and, therefore, remember you
and speak to you. An out-of-town shadchan may forget
about you among the many other single men and women
with whom they are working.
Ask the Shadchan if they mind that you are going
to other shadchanim as well. Do they have anyone they
work with? Is there a network you should be aware of?
Is there a specific Shadchan that you would do really well
with and has set up people like you?
D. Be Open-Minded
If you want to find a spouse, you need to be
open-minded and willing to be flexible. This does not
mean that you must compromise on certain points, such
as whether you want to live in Israel, have the boy learn
in a Kollel, etc. Rather, desiring someone who plays a
musical instrument or has a certain hair color are not
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significant specifications; personality traits, general
philosophical views, and religious beliefs and practices
are much more fundamental.
Each person has an image of his/her ideal mate.
However, a person may be ideal even though he/she is
not a perfect depiction of what you ‘always dreamed of.’
Therefore, it is important to be open-minded to potential
dates; you do not know who is perfect for you until you
meet that person. So, to say ‘no’ to a date before you
even give it a try will hinder your chances of finding your
mate.
Everyone has the right to two dates unless there
are huge red flags during the first date. There may be
something that you did not like about him or her, or you
just did not feel fireworks after a first date. There might
be a qualification that the person did not meet, but is it
a qualification that you can do without? Speak to a Rabbi
or friend. If there are fundamental commonalities and
similar lifestyle desires, then it is important to try a
second date. If you want to get married, you need to stop
saying ‘no’ and start saying ‘yes’ -- give people a chance.
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III.
Preparing for a Date
A. Clothing
For a boy:
On your first date, you should wear a suit to
present yourself at your best. However, if you are very
opposed to wearing a suit, then select other well-dressed
clothing, such as a nice shirt or sweater and
dress/business casual pants. Be sure your suit is dry
cleaned and pressed, and without any stains. You do not
need to wear a white shirt; however, you should wear a
dress shirt that is ironed and clean. Make sure, too, that
your shoes are clean and not torn. Practice personal
hygiene before a date, such as showering,
shaving/trimming your beard, brushing/combing your
hair, and brushing your teeth. Remember: you want to
make the best possible first impression. Do not go into a
date right after work or right after seder. Before you
leave, check yourself in a full body mirror to make sure
you didn’t forget anything or didn’t notice something.
On all other dates make sure to be in presentable
clothing, continue a business casual trend. Remember to
always make sure that your clothing is cleaned and
ironed, and as well continue to practice personal
hygiene. Also remember to dress for your date,
meaning: if your date is horseback riding, do not wear a
suit because that is not normal for horseback riding.
Make sure to also let the girl know where the date is so
she can dress appropriately.
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For a girl:
On a girl’s first date, you should be dressed at
your best. It is always appropriate to have nicelymanicured
nails, wear makeup, and style your hair.
Consider your choice of clothing, with the understanding
that the boy will most likely be wearing a suit or business
casual clothing. Boys will notice the time and effort you
expended regarding your appearance.
On other dates, make sure you continue to look
your best with regard to hair and makeup. You should
feel beautiful on your dates, and you will then present
yourself with confidence. Remember to also dress
appropriately for your date locations. If you are going out
for dinner, for example, it is natural to dress up a little
more; if you are planning an outdoors date, then dress
appropriately for the activity and weather. Your date
should always tell you beforehand where you are going
to ensure that you know the correct attire for the date.
B. Doing Your Homework
Before going on a date, make sure to learn about
the person, such as hobbies, taste in books, etc. People
are anxious about an awkward silence, which may not
necessarily be bad, but may also be avoided if you learn
about the person ahead of time so that you may more
easily make conversation. For example, if you know her
hobbies include gymnastics, you can research gymnastics
and impress her with your knowledge on it. If you know
that he is a huge St. Louis Cardinals fan, you can learn a
little about baseball and the team.
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The more you know about your date, the more
impressed he/she will be with you. By expressing interest
in their hobbies, you demonstrate good middos and that
you want to listen and care.
C. Where Should You Go?
The custom in the more “yeshivish” world is to
take your first date to a hotel lobby. It is a nice and quiet
area where you can talk and discuss various things. There
are a very small amount of distractions, and you can just
focus on your date. After the first date, it is more
common to go to various places that are quiet, such as a
coffee shop, a café, a park, or other places that are quiet
and peaceful. As the dating process progresses, you can
start going on more fun and interactive dates, such as to
an arcade or, mini golf, etc.
In the “non-yeshivish” world, it is not customary
to take your first date to a hotel lobby; however, it is still
appropriate to go to a place that is quiet and conducive
to conversation. A walk through the park is also
acceptable. You want your first few dates to be in a
secluded and quite environment so that you can get to
know one another. You do not want to be walking
through a busy area, such as Times Square, where you
cannot focus on your date. As the dates progress, you
can go out to more public and busier areas.
When planning where to take your date, be
sensitive to her needs. Do not force your date to go bike
riding or ice skating without asking her beforehand if she
would feel comfortable with it. Once your dates start to
become the “not so classic” dates of going to a place to
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sit, you should consult with the girl to be mindful of her
likes and comfort level.
Make sure you understand what is kosher to get
and what is not kosher at the various coffee shops/hotel
lobbies – will you drink out of their cups? Can you get a
Frappuccino at Starbucks? Does she hold the same way?
Additionally, never get an alcoholic drink on one of the
first dates, even if it’s just a beer. It is inappropriate and
will not be received well.
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IV.
Going on Your Date
A. Traveling
In a situation of an “out-of-town” girl going out
with an “in-town” boy, the girl should prepare to travel
to his city. Of course, there are always exceptions, but
this is usual practice if you are dating a boy from the east
coast. There are several reasons for this practice. For
instance, if a boy lives in New York, he has a large
community of girls from which to choose; so he would
not necessarily desire or feel the need to travel to meet
a girl from another city, rent a car and drive in an
unfamiliar location, and miss a few days of work to travel.
Generally speaking, a girl does not need to travel
for every date, but she most likely will need to do so at
least for the first visit and possibly the second visit. After
that, a compromise should be reached where the boy
should travel as well.
In a situation where the girl is living on the east
coast and the boy is from out-of-town, the girl does not
need to travel to meet him, for the same reasons as
above.
When the boy and girl reside in nearby cities,
such as Chicago and Detroit or Cleveland and Cincinnati,
the boy should always travel for the date. It is more
gentleman-like for the boy to travel to the girl’s city.
B. Transportation
When a boy picks up the girl for a date, he should
make sure to have his car washed and cleaned. If the boy
does not own a car or if the car is in poor condition, then
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he should borrow or rent a car. One should always park
the car and come to her front door, unless it was stated
otherwise that she will meet you outside. If you are
coming to the front door and meeting the parents,
prepare yourself for that meeting by finding out a few
obvious things: what kind of people are they? What do
they do for a living? Etc. Are they going to quiz you on
the parsha? What are they expecting?
With regard to the girl who is being picked up for
the date, she should be very cognizant of being on time
so that the boy does not have to wait for her. If the boy
is coming to your front door, one should empty the
driveway in order that the boy can park his car in the
driveway to avoid having him circle around the block
numerous times looking for a parking spot.
C. Conversation
On the first date, it is not appropriate to discuss
potentially contentious or deep topics, including
hashkafa, where to live, and so forth. The first date is to
determine compatibility. It is important to make sure
that your hashkafos are well-matched, but it is not a
topic that should be strongly questioned during a first
date.
As discussed previously, do your homework
before a date so that you better understand the person’s
likes/dislikes, hobbies, etc. You should know certain
sensitive material so that you do not offend the person
on your date. For example, do not make a joke about
divorced people if they have divorced parents
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If you go on a date at a coffee shop or a hotel
lobby, you may consider bringing things to make the date
more fun. For example, bring a game with you or play
cards. You can learn a lot about someone when playing a
game with him/her. This also lightens the mood and does
not require you to just sit and talk the entire time. It also
helps you determine whether you can have fun with the
person, which is extremely important.
Speak about current events and other
controversial topics. These are usually sensitive subjects,
so it is good to see if you agree or disagree on certain
matters, and whether he/she is respectful of your points
of view.
Speak about any issues that come up along the
way. The most important aspect to a relationship and
marriage is communication; so, if you feel strongly about
something, you must discuss it with your partner. If
he/she does something that is annoying or bothers you,
you need to raise the issue in a respectful manner and try
to work it out. People aren’t going to change once you
get married. If you for example really wish your husband
will go learn for an hour every night and currently he is
not, just because you get married and you can start to
push him more does not mean that he will go. Marriage
does not solve problems, so any small thing that bothers
you that you cannot get over you must discuss during
these dates.
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D. Keeping Halacha
During the dating process and the engagement
process, it is vital to uphold the halachos of yichud,
shomer negiah, and so forth. During these times, it
usually becomes more difficult to maintain these
halachos because your friendship deepens and the
attraction between you builds. Make sure that on your
dates, you are with people, in public areas, and not
alone. Regarding shomer negiah, do not put yourself in a
yichud situation. Do not be at each other’s house alone.
Do not drive down abandoned streets late at night. Some
people will also like to make boundaries, maybe not talk
as often so you do not become too frivolous. One must
set up boundaries in order to avoid any form of breaking
halacha during this time. Speak to your Rav if you have
any questions or concerns to make sure that you do not
break any halachos.
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V. Deciding He/She is The One
A. Speak to People
Of course the decision whether you want to
marry a person should always be yours and no one else’s.
However, oftentimes it is appropriate and helpful to
speak to your friends and family. They do not make the
decision for you, but if there are certain things that
bother you, then they may help guide you to a decision.
Marriage is a major commitment, so consult with your
family and friends to help you determine if the person is
the right choice.
B. Compromising
One of the most important principles in a
marriage is learning how to compromise. It is also likely
the most difficult elements to accomplish. A boy comes
from one family and brings his customs with him, while
the girl comes from a different family and brings her
traditions. Oftentimes, neither one wants to relinquish
his/her practice. These may go beyond halachik areas
and seem trivial; nevertheless, these customs must be
discussed and compromises reached
The most basic and fundamental element to
compromising is communication. As long as you
communicate with each other, you will be able to
compromise. He or she will be better able to understand
what is most important to the other person and what
needs to be accomplished in order to make the situation
most agreeable to each individual.
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C. Most Important Part of Your
Decision
When deciding if he or she is the right person,
ask yourself: “Do I have fun with him/her? Do I enjoy
talking and spending time with this person? Do I look
forward to being with him/her all day or all week?” These
are important questions to consider, as they get at the
crux of how you feel about the person and whether you
desire to spend your life with him/her. As important as it
is to meld philosophically and spiritually, it is just as
critical to feel an attraction both physically and
emotionally, having a strong connection and feeling that
your life will not be complete without this person, that
your day automatically becomes better when you see or
talk to him/her.
Looks are also extremely important. Although
we should not consider this a fundamental issue, the
reality is that you should marry someone who you are
attracted to. Looks can always change but when going
into marriage you need to be excited by his/her looks and
have an attraction to him/her.
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VI.
Getting Engaged
A. Making a Budget
It is imperative that you make a budget for
marriage. You and your ‘spouse-to-be’ should discuss
openly plans and goals for employment, school, learning,
etc. This discussion should take place before
engagement to ensure that you have common goals and
are both willing to compromise on plans, if necessary, for
example, delaying school and working to earn a living to
support you and your spouse while he/she continues to
pursue a degree. The majority of arguments among
married people revolve around income and money.
Avoid them by discussing the matter. For a copy of a
sample budget please see Chapter VII.
B. The Bracelet
It is customary for some to first buy the girl a
bracelet when you become engaged. The price for the
bracelet may vary from $450 – $900. This is not a
requirement, rather merely a custom. Others may
present this gift in the yichud room. There is no pressure
to follow either of these practices; this should be a joint
decision between you and your bride-to-be.
C. The Ring
The engagement ring, on average, should cost
approximately 2 and one-half months’ salary. This is just
a guideline, and, of course, the boy should determine
what he can afford to pay. This two and one-half months’
salary rule only really applies to someone who has been
working for some time, not to someone who recently just
began employment. Nevertheless, a person may expect
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to spend anywhere between $2,000 – $5,000 on the ring.
Make sure not to overspend on the ring, and to only
spend what you can afford.
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VII.
Budget
Below is a sample budget, based on average
expenses a month. This budget was prepared by a
financial planner. Please understand that this budget
is just intended as a guideline and may vary by
individual—it is not intended to be a standard
document. Nevertheless, living expenses tend to
hover around $3,000 per month. If you would like
hard copies of this budget to complete yourself or
the excel copy which updates as you fill it out, send
an email to Daveed Hagage at
dhagage@chicagoshidduch.org
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Spending Plan:
PROJECTED MONTHLY
INCOME
Income 1
Extra income
Total monthly income
Income 1
ACTUAL MONTHLY INCOME Extra income
Total monthly income
PROJECTED BALANCE
(Projected income minus expenses)
ACTUAL BALANCE
(Actual income minus expenses)
DIFFERENCE
(Projected minus actual))
HOUSING Projected Cost Actual Cost Difference Misc Projected Cost Actual Cost Difference
Mortgage or rent $1,000 Video/DVD
Phone (2 cells) $100 CDs
Internet $45 Vacation $100
Gas (incl.) $0 Gifts
Electricity $100 Sporting events
Water and sewer $0 Pesach $50
Waste removal $0 Religious $20
Maintenance or repairs $25 Other
Supplies
Other
Other Subtotals $170
Subtotals $1,270
LOANS Projected Cost Actual Cost Difference
TRANSPORTATION Projected Cost Actual Cost Difference Personal
Vehicle payment (1 car) $200 Student
Credit card
Insurance $100 Credit card
Licensing $15 Credit card
Fuel $100 Other
Maintenance $30 Subtotals $0
Other
Subtotals $445 TAXES Projected Cost Actual Cost Difference
Federal $266
INSURANCE Projected Cost Actual Cost Difference State $86
Home $20 Other
Health $200 FICA $0
Life $25 Subtotals $351
Other
Subtotals $245 SAVINGS/INVESTMENTS Projected Cost Actual Cost Difference
Retirement account
FOOD Projected Cost Actual Cost Difference Investment account
Groceries $450 Other
Dining out $75 Subtotals
Other
Subtotals $525 GIFTS AND DONATIONS Projected Cost Actual Cost Difference
Charity 1 $152
Children Projected Cost Actual Cost Difference Charity 2
Tuition- Day Care Charity 3
Babysitting Subtotals $152
Camp
Toys Projected Cost Actual Cost Difference
Other
Subtotals
PERSONAL CARE Projected Cost Actual Cost Difference
Medical (For deduct) $50 Subtotals
Hair/nails $20
Clothing $100
Dry cleaning $25
TOTAL PROJECTED COST $3,504
Health club
Subtotals $345
Household Goods $75
Organization dues or fees $75
TOTAL ACTUAL COST
TOTAL DIFFERENCE ($3,504)
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VIII. Resources
Visit our website chicagoshidduch.org for more
information and resources to anything shidduch
related. We have and array of information, from
places to go, as well as any assistance.
The Chicago Shidduch Initiative has a contact
the shadchan button, which helps people “get
on the map”. We implore you to use this
feature so the shadchanim in our city will know
who you are.
For any other information or comments contact
us through our site or send an email to
info@chicagoshidduch.org
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