december 2015

Students
3
got dates?
By Dan Albanese
Getting dates can be very intimidating, but
once you know to do it, it’s easy.
First, get date seeds. Growing dates in drier
climates is prefered, but anywhere will work.
Make sure you water your date seeds at least three
times a day at first, and put it in a place where
it can get plenty of sunlight. Soon you will have
your own date tree, which will start growing
dates. Date trees are very slow-growing trees, so
do not be discouraged if it takes a while.
Dates are not pollinated by birds or insects,
but instead by the wind. Early each year, the male
plants produce sheaths of pollen. You need to
spread these sheaths of pollen over the female
plants.
Once you have your dates, throw them at everyone.
Establish yourself as the alpha male. Others
will cower to your strength and superiority and
flee the area for their own safety because they’re
probably a bunch of dumb nerds. That’s when
you take advantage of the situation by swooping
in and approaching your target date (the human
kind), and he or she will be impressed because
you just pelted their friends with fruit. This will
totally 100 percent work. Trust me. I’m a scientist.
I know these kinds of things. I do this all the time,
and it works at least, like, 100,000 percent of the
time.
But don’t actually do any of that, though.
That’s not really going to impress anyone anyway.
Just try to be nice and make polite conversation.
Try to find some common interests. Maybe talk
about that date tree you grew. Not many of my
friends know how to grow date trees. That’s pretty
cool. But try not to talk about that too much.
That’s mad boring. Just talk about sports or music
or something. Or better yet, see what they like.
Talking to someone that you are interested in is
so much easier than you think it is. It really is as
simple as just starting a conversation.
P.S. Don’t complain to me when this doesn’t
work.
Q:
Graphic by Chris Hunter
“How do I get a date?”
By Chris Hunter
Well anonymous, you’ve just asked one of the
oldest questions in the book.
It dates back to olden times when cavemen
were first around, and getting a date simply
involved making a fire, at which the ladies would
swoon (not to be gender specific).
Then came the Agricultural Revolution; they
didn’t call it the Fertile Crescent for no reason
(wink).
People were so perplexed with this question
that right after the rule in Hammurabi’s code that
stated, “If a man has accused another of laying a
nertu (death spell) upon him, but has not proved
it, he shall be put to death,” Hammurabi addressed
the issue of getting dates. He stated, “One
must not use vague signals to acquire a date.”
(Slightly paraphrased and slightly made up.)
What many people don’t know is that Christopher
Columbus actually sailed across the Atlantic
Ocean NOT simply to discover a better trade
route to India, but to more importantly impress a
girl. (Source provided by the Internet.)
Now for some actual advice.
When attempting to find a date, people tend
to look for someone unique. So, go out of your
way to make an impression on someone and he or
she will notice you. This shows confidence, and
confidence is what grabs people’s attention.
If you’ve ever observed peacocks in the wild,
you will know that the males flash their feathers
to attract the females. Be the peacock!
In other words, be confident, and if it doesn’t
work out, don’t worry about it. Sometimes things
weren’t meant to be, and that’s okay.
Selfies
You Mean, the PRNDL?
The roads may never be safe again
By Suzannah Peckham
The road ahead is open and
quiet. One or two cars pass going the
opposite direction, their lights bright
one second and gone the next. The
hills of Lafayette roll alongside our
car as we drive on the back roads of
the town. Cows and farms dot the
horizon, and the sun sets halfway
beyond the rolling hills. The trees
that separate the sky from the road
are red and gold. I feel invincible and
free as I sit behind the wheel and
drive.
Yet, my hands are locked in an
iron grip on the wheel. I forgot to
put in my contacts, which means I
can’t see all that well; and in a rush
to leave my house on time, I also
forgot my permit.
That’s the thing about driving:
you can feel totally free and independent,
but also burdened by a great
responsibility. Driving is freedom.
When I sit in the driver’s seat of that
car, I feel as though I can control
anything. In a sense, I can. I control
how fast I go, where I go and even
when I go.
But just one mistake can have
dire consequences. If I pick up the
phone or look the wrong way, I’m
done. The car has the ability to take
away a life, to end the one thing that
is irreplaceable. So, while a huge
weight is lifted off your shoulders
with your new-found freedom, a new
one is dropped directly onto your
head the moment you learn to drive.
I might feel this more than others
because any time I get behind the
wheel, part of me drifts back to that
one time I was in a car accident
when I was 8.
Still, like any other teenager, I
couldn’t wait to drive. This past summer
on August 13, I turned 16, which
meant that I woke up bright and
early and forced my dad to drive as
quickly as he could to the DMV. The
experience was something I had seen
a thousand times in movies as a kid.
The wait was not long at all. I
took my written test in seven minutes
and passed with a perfect score.
After finishing the test, an attendant
behind the counter printed out my
temporary permit.
But contrary to what teenagers
usually see in movies, driving isn’t
just get the car, drive the car. Driving
is repeated efforts to train your mind
to see everything, absolutely everything,
around your car, even in blind
spots, and to see the what-ifs; which
are found just about everywhere.
The first time I went driving, I
drove with my dad and we went to
the DeWitt Cemetery; he said it was
because I couldn’t kill anyone there.
The second time I went driving I
went with my Driver’s Ed class.
That time, I nearly hit a priest, who
blessed himself when I slammed on
the brake.
Since I have gotten my permit, I
have had a few close calls with other
cars, whether it’s turning too fast
into a busy intersection, or failing to
notice another car coming quickly
in my direction. When I take a turn
too quickly or I come too close to
another car, I remember my accident
vividly.
Several years ago, I was in the
car with my family and we were hit
by a truck that skidded into our lane
on an icy highway. I can still hear the
sound of the collision— it’s something
you can’t ever forget. It becomes
burned into your brain, the sound of
metal on metal. I am always terrified
that it will happen to me again
when I am driving, yet that doesn’t
dampen my excitement about finally
reaching this rite of passage.
From that very first time behind
the steering wheel, I have come a
long way. I can drive my parents
home from different places. I can
successfully complete a turn without
panicking and being overcome with
fear of failure.
The fear of an accident will always
live in the back of my mind, but
I will also always cherish the freedom
that the car gives me, because
that’s what driving is— freedom.
Photo by Suzannah Peckham