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The printed page is too clumsy and static for this language; the only serviceable media would be
video or holo, displaying a time-evolving graphic image. Speaking this language would be out of the
question, given the limited bandwidth of the human larynx.
* * * *
My mind seethes with expletives from ancient and modern languages, and they taunt me with their
crudeness, reminding me that my ideal language would offer terms with sufficient venom to express
my present frustration.
I cannot complete my artificial language; it's too large a project for my present tools. Weeks of
concentrated effort have yielded nothing usable. I've attempted to write it via bootstrapping, by
employing the rudimentary language that I've already defined to rewrite the language and produce
successively fuller versions. Yet each new version only highlights its own inadequacies, forcing me
to expand my ultimate goal, condemning it to the status of a Holy Grail at the end of a divergent
infinite regress. This is no better than trying to create it ex nihilo.
* * * *
What about my fourth ampule? I can't remove it from my thoughts: every frustration I experience at my
present plateau reminds me of the possibility for still greater heights.
Of course, there are significant risks. This injection might be the one that causes brain damage or
insanity. Temptation by the Devil, perhaps, but temptation nonetheless. I find no reason to resist.
I'd have a margin of safety if I injected myself in a hospital, or, failing that, with someone standing by
in my apartment. However, I imagine the injection will either be successful or else cause irreparable
damage, so I forego those precautions.
I order equipment from a medical supply company, and assemble an apparatus for administering the
spinal injection by myself. It may take days for the full effects to become evident, so I'll confine
myself to my bedroom. It's possible that my reaction will be violent; I remove breakables from the
room and attach loose straps to the bed. The neighbors will interpret anything they hear as an addict
howling.
I inject myself and wait.
* * * *
My brain is on fire, my spine burns itself through my back, I feel near apoplexy. I am blind, deaf,
insensate.
I hallucinate. Seen with such preternatural clarity and contrast that they must be illusory, unspeakable
horrors loom all around me, scenes not of physical violence but of psychic mutilation.
Mental agony and orgasm. Terror and hysterical laughter.