Ayla Inspired by Love

I asked God
to bring you to me
and God said
NO
And I asked God to
let me hear you and he said
NO
and I asked God to let me
see you
and he said
NO
And I asked God to
let me
love you
and he said
YES

Give me the words
that can paint you out of your fears and your pains
Receive my kneeling thoughts
bonding us to one another
without any merit, or hope, or desire..
Grant me the faith and the laws
so that I can keep strong
and still and waiting..
And
allow me to enjoy my love
while I stumble on the heel of
a pain that is not mine
with shredded prides and burning dreams
and a thirst
that will devour world’s tears
the exact second
your eyes will melt into mine
forever

Deck of cards
randomly thrown at you
by a God who loves to play
with the knots in his beard,
with nails dirty from the ashes of those
who left
to find joy on other realms.
A grinning God that takes one
and not another
to suckle to its full breast
the nectar of a flower with no smell
and with no colour
and with no form.

I can only love
you
like a human:
imperfect,
desiring the smell of
your skin rubbing mine
breathing together
sweating together
moving our soul’s roots
from earth to heaven
so that the seed growing inside of me
points upside down
nourished from heavens
instead of
hell!

You opened a little door
for me to see
into your silences
and into your victories
and you invited me to flicker
a tiny light
through the meanders of
forgotten paths
towards
Love.

You and I
One bird with two sets of wings
dreaming the same sky
beating the same heart
fighting the same abyss!

An insecure left hand writes fiery letters,
cascading droplets of ink
messy, blue, scratched cuts and corrections
carefully avoiding painful sore spots
where once someone else left a nasty mark
and where we are too scared to look
or to search, or to go anymore...
My warm breath lingers there,
not knowing where it all came from
humbly enjoying
being only a green eyed witness
of some angel that has lost its way
and is flickering through a blind angle
from where it can’t even find an answer
to the most simple questions.
Firmly attached wings
are still searching for the best way
to signal
To someone who might
care to understand:
you will find yourself
in the exact spot
where I lost myself!

Panic attacks are nothing but big dreams
shaking themselves out of a
too sensitive soul
And I REFUSE
to linger in the safe talk
where I can only ask you to
wear my sweater
so that tomorrow I smell of you all over.
I want to dream of an aura that
takes the whole spectrum of a rainbow
and where I am not mature enough to read
into its colours.
I just want to point at it laughing
hysterically
like a baby witnessing his first rain
and where Joy is as round
as the most nourishing of breasts

​I’m in love with you!
So in love that I would even
melt with the shadow that you take with you everyday,
everywhere
I’d sit at your feet watching you dream, watching you
search!
and I’d wipe your heart clean
of the pain and of all memories of destruction
and I’d mess with your hair
and I’d laugh at your fascinations
and I’d cry at your eyes looking gently at me
and I’d stumble on high heels
and I’d forget what I wanted to say
and I’d say stupid things
and I wouldn’t know what to do with my arms and
with my lips
like a defect doll that got thrown away
but got found again
and loved
and cherished
and saved
by life!

There is a girl here
draped in black leathery clothes
not knowing how to embrace
fairy tales of a past
where she was being loved
and where dragons
would make love
through fiery tongues
deeply scratching each other’s
necks
oozing all the masks of chaste women
and virile men
one for every circumstance,
one for every play,
one for every melody.
There is a girl here
wanting to be a woman.
or not wanting to ever be again
and maybe wanting to be forever
yours.

The impossible dream
of sniffing your skin
is slowly dripping its poison
into my veins
slowly killing
life around here
I’m dying!
don’t cry!
no place for wanting
in God’s lap,
no place for splashing
out of Grace!
I wish I could have tasted the nectar of your eyes
defining the contour of my face
with love…

Pay-out for my death
is this moment where am
God
when I create
the narrow cage
of the endlessness that I am ...
I squirm,
I fight against all stars
to realize
smiling
that I exist,
I EXIST!
I EXIST!

I’m a bird
with legs ripped
and I have no choice,
I fly.
My first stop
will be the last
flight
and I have no choice.
Drinking water from wells
I fly laughing
and I fly weeping
and my sweet blood
kisses
the forbidden ground.

Burning skiers dance
drunken with pure snow
splintering the crystal cold
proud to be happy
and human
and free,
lost in the horizon
or the horizon lost in them
till those primary spaces…
Theirs is the virgin snow,
the sky
and the eternal flying
of the moment
towards the sublime!

Here between stones
lie the urban spirits of sleep.
Under my step unravel
ancient stones.
concrete.
An angel and a devil
surly dance
Greek minuets.
They look chaste
carved on a rock!
Ah, Saints
are rarely in need
of a
lover!

I’ve tried all deaths:
Love,
the sea,
the sky
and I still can’t forget
to burst into tears
and into laughter
from NOTHING!

Our souls mirror
in large ponds
of inviting crimes
imperfect looks of smoke
dividing sweet walks
of vapour heels
tasting the frenzy
of
being
the dead sand
breathing like a whip

For my love
I’d need
a long song
of slow death
everything is painfully beautiful!
People walk by
undaunted,
further and anywhere
vainly sublime
like the fantastic blue
eyes of the sea

Foam horses
carved into the wall
closing up my longing sky, my silent sky!
Horses in flight
gliding in emptiness,
floating in dreams
Herd of longing
herd of smoke
herd of ash
herd of missing
Maybe they will float
maybe they will live
fire-falls fiercely ripen
closing the void!
I don’t want to die
even though I fly
through deserted herds
carved into the earth.

My last drawing
suffocates
The fleeting colours
of the eagles
tossing themselves
into
the church’s bell
crushing themselves
and the bell says
NO
and the bell says
NO

Earth’s gut
is boiling its acidic
Passion
of deep wanting to raise
and to explode wrinkles
on the surface of
sea’s dark rainbow!
Impertinent winds
renounce to claim it
day after day.
Prostrated,
the mountains are birthing trees
and fumes of sacred,
hungry sacrifices
rhythmed by the carousel
galloping above in
darkness, and light
and humorous God.

Blue myriapods stole
my hands
and pushed me from sleep
gritting under the sea
into the clay.
Rainbow fish
pass through my open mouth
full of algae, sky and sand.
I haven’t a face
and tiny seahorses nibble my toes.
Instead of heart
a starfish floats…
Dolphins comfort me
with the tip of their tail
and I feel the sea
and I feel
ME!

I would have wanted too high things
but sky’s mouth ate them
Eternity stopped for a second
Striking, she said:
Die!!!! into the eyes of the love that you Are
Live!!! into the foam of your lover’s sea
Breathe!!! the odours of the fire
Know!!! the depth of irises staring back at you
in wonder!

The virgins of the Moon
Wipe the Earth with their long hair
up to our feet
Your shy lips are drawing
their melody around my silent
face
And we begin feeling harp echoes
rising us to a vague death,
blue as your eyes.
Now, as we are trembling
from not being touched
from not being born
from not being dead
We wait for the eternity
to crucify us
as it will!

Here,
Gifting myself fully to the migration of deads,
To their celestial monstrous fixity,
my body dugs coffins in the sand.
Bewildered horizons awaiting
winter’s flowing
calmly,
winter’s flowing
deadly!
On my broken cold lips,
blood just stopped flowing
while I stop being myself
to start being a rainbow
of ether and gold and frost,
amazed
by the fiery horseshoed
Fates…

Farewell Moon, and Death, and Cross
Nothing to forgive the almighty spitting on earth
Yours is the march back
and forth
through the meanders
of times…
Yours is the swing up
and down
bridging heavens
and earth…
Yours is the magical potion
that dissolves mind’s fire…
Yours is the song for
any and all who ever loved
yanking off the
foaming bars that keep heaven
away from those desperately wanting
to be more than
a shadow
being crushed by billions of galaxies!

Come to me with words
perfume of skies falling
taking us up
into purple clouds
smoking us,
merging our gaze,
melting our flesh!!
How are we ever apart?
thunders keep us
yelling the precepts
of time
and space
and colour

I remember the green grass tickling
my chubby toddler toes
The taste of cranberry ice cream in a hot summer’s
day
where
You would eat and breathe me and I you
where
you would love my taste and the flavour of my love
My missing you has the sound of an owl
Hunting
The thirst of a camel
wondering for years in the desert …lost
The sight of an eagle
majestically drawing
its tango with the clouds

I’m in love with blue eyes
catching me in the morning
gently nudging me out of my slow death
God of mine
came from arrows
shooting into colour
of infinite sky,
infinite wisdom
infinite
Life.

In every one of your words
there is an ancestor
bravely swinging his spade.
In every one of my feelings
there is a diamond
waiting gravely at the foot of the cliff
while our blood shares the happiness
of burning passion
for you
and for it.

A blond wind
entered my soul
and stirred it!
A fair wind
opened Pandora’s box
And released all
mistrust and all pain!
A blond wind
dissolved me,
becoming one with me.
A blond wind
has identified with me
and it is one with me,
And I one with him,
travelling along,
uniting crystals and leaves

Two stars sitting face to face
one of Heaven, another of Earth.
We stopped
half way,
We stand suspended,
too afraid to breathe
to fill the subtle void.
Between us,
shining,
a hidden star.
Ours.
We are two wisps
of blue smoke strolling around,
searching for the meeting
between night and day,
between me and you,
between you and I.

Raging sea
Hungry, gulping the flesh of the earth
licking the crusty skin of the rocks
howling, crazy in love
summoning cloudy tears
and Thor’s sceptre
pleading
growing
withdrawing
coming back with the force of the
lover
abandoned
forgotten
dying
pleading
renouncing
loving
you.

I keep laughing at
the wings of a butterfly
mesmerizing people into
positive thinking!
How does one produce
a clean memory of a
past
that is full of opaque dust?
Why do we
even imagine
that it would be more
human
to be otherwise
than narrow
unidirectional
falsely happy
and docile?

Dew drops
as tears flooding the village
flooding our gaze
between us and the others
between me and you
a window of farness
a never-ending swing of
rain
and clouds
and wants
getting seasick of all this purification
until verdict comes
to remove the mistakes from the facts
until we come
together as one

A world of despair
silent and deep
is wearing its misfortune
in its pregnant belly.
Hopes
stranded on the shore
sing their death
in this ideal verse
where genes are needles
sewing
festering pain
seconds struggle
to pass through the hourglass
gritting of local sand

So young we were,
we would have caught the sky from
one of its corners and
shake it
and we would have starred
upwards
seeing stars and sun
messing with our hair
in wonder
never ending purple petal.
and over months and years
we would
be transformed into stardust
on the path of heroes and saints
to come

The blue iris is welling up
with morning’s dew
stretching its petals to reach
the reflection of
moon’s last tremor.
New passion is birthing in its green veins
for the fleeting butterfly who
for the last few days
has been tickling its stem with rainbow wings
forbidden, unspoken love
tenderly bonding the distance
and the differences
and the taboos
of two worlds apart

My soul had forgotten to keep a place for love
And it was becoming a black opaque crystal.
When the veil fainted
transformed into sand and waves,
it took away the crusts of pain and longing and despair
spreading them into ecliptics seen from here and from
there…
I was being a dead sea
pulsating, raging purple waves of knowing
of what is and what was and what may never be!

I’m throwing some seeds
into voluptuous soil.
Seeds of hope to someday see the delicate sprouts
of a love that has always been there
dormant
waiting for blue eyes
to cover it with warmth and nourishment
keeping it safe
striving
and growing
until a thunder
will take it
to God

Everyone’s a writer
of their own story
and we love
and we fight
and we dream
and then we feel like we are going to
stop breathing out of
love
or frustration.
And then we learn
the lesson
and then we move on
with what is more logical
and more comfortable
and we are being responsible
and then we push back the longing
and the wondering
and the regrets
and then we keep going shopping
for food
and for toys
and then

we die
wondering
what would have been
if...

Diamonds rearranging
dying ideas
so that they fit into
new ages and old Gods
comfortably smiling down
or is it up?
Losing my sense of direction
from inevitable pain
towards the joy
of the love
you are giving me
every morning

If there was no tomorrow
I’d say
I love you
to every grain of sand
pictured delicately into your eyes
to every hair on your head
with a special mention to
the white ones creeping in.
I’d kiss your fingers and laugh at you cracking them
loving the dry sound they make
loving
the giggle
flowing out from your heart!
If there was no tomorrow
I’d learn to fly
to feel your skin
and breathe in
your breathing out…
If there was no tomorrow
I’d drop
all taboos
flowing in my veins for generations

of pain and regrets!
If there was no tomorrow
I’d claim you
as the very affirmation of the life
that ever lived
and I would give
new life
to tomorrow

Come to me
With the fire of the sea
diligently working her way through
rocks
and sand
and sun
melting the blue
and the green
of a passion
born out of
a never sung song
a never danced dance
a never made
loving

I fall apart with you
burn with you
roll with you
sleep with you
gently pulling at your ragged clothes
that freed travellers of their longings
Why can’t I be here and there
like you?
You’re still looking for something
always struggling and always playing
so far away
and yet so present
with our daily inner turmoil
of dying illusions and of clouds towering
into the sunset
of so much love
and of so much longing
to be

I’m alone.
and it’s quiet.
Only a wave or two still whisper to me
secrets that I need to keep
for myself and from myself
strays keep me from being cold
and dead
and shaking
and my moon is singing
its shiny lullaby
without words
and without melody
until sleep joins me
for yet another passionate night
in its loving arms
protecting me
from thought that would not leave
in peace

Your eyes,
blue flames
throw arrows into my loneliness
wanting to know both its rainbow and its darkness
probing into the depth of the thought
and of the hoping and of the longing stretching in front
of me
I can feel their warm embrace
healing
caring about my exulted flying
into an astonished universe
waiting to give me absolution
Your eyes,
like blue flames
power the dream of a beginning
in which I want to burn
forever
with you

The distance between your day and my night
is that of a blink
like a memory
that needs desperately to grasp
some air
or some colour
united or divided
funny mirrors of the same God
Are we separated in your day
or united in my night?
Are we coming closer
or drifting apart?

Happy words mourn
the love that has never begun and never will end
This ain’t me. It’s you!
How would you know that I exist
if you didn’t see me
laying there naked
rib cage open
letting your magic
fill in the space
where a horned devil
once imprisoned
the heart that is now
yours?

I want you to
smash the colours of my longing
By living together a masterly moment of
a shared dreaming
and I will pour your being into
serene moulds
where you would have blue wings
and I would have fire eyes
And we would breathe the scent of strange planets,
animated light birds
and flying cards
and you would get to choose that precious moment
when we could bury the space
and fade away the time
between the stars that keep us
silenced and hidden

You’ve sneaked into my soul
letting me believe that you were just
another one of my dreams
And so I let you fill me
love me
take over my body…
You have fed into my beauty
and my tenderness
and my fears
weaving madness from righteous thoughts
But when you tried to steal my longing,
my dream melted into tiny
lava beads
burning
cleansing
praying
pleading
yearning
You

While you were sleeping
longing and hope have gotten
into a dance of funny little black
birds
flying silently
guarding your dreams safe
and loving
and inspired
Black words
of wanting
and of pain
and of joy
embracing themselves
and the sun and the beauty
as the wind embraces the air
as the ivy embraces the tree
and as thought embraces God

Let me in!
Let me rummage through the chambers of your heart
looking for those poisonous treasures
Let me liberate them at the corner of my
eyes
dripping…
Let me in!
To try and heal the scarring
and the disappointments
and the questioning
of generations that have been and that are to come
Let me in!
Just for this eternity right here in front of us
calling us
uniting us
with its magical
sensual
mesmeric
unknowing

The hours since
my eyes burned your words
are eating each second with a sharp knife.
hungry, waiting,
pulling hair after hair
on father time’s head, leaving his forehead wrinkled
and sad.
He also was once waiting
to come together with the eternity of the
moment when big fires would melt him into the now
Staring into his eyes,
I ask that fire to come grab me
and hold me tightly
until I forget that “impossible”
can’t be coupled up with “dream”
and until I remember to let go
of fire
or dreaming
or you

I’m burning
in flames of desire and of longing
hour after hour I am melting
as a field flower under the hot summer’s day
lured around you
I’m going crazy and dizzy
and insane.
Playing with your words and
with the hands
shaking
hostage to this magical game
And every drop of my sweat
is screaming an orgasm
that you would drink
with moist lips
searching
thirsty
for
the lost piece of the puzzle

Stories
cascading into an ingrained
course of a river that never ceases to flow words
and algae.
Silky words
made of rain, little paper boats
sinking, diving deep,
looking for long lost treasures.
A steady brush
takes a naked dip
into the stream,
jumping with joy
up to the sky
splashing words,
oceans and heavens
melting into blue eyes
watching over me

Love follows you
like a choir does its master
You say one word
and it turns into leaves
and acorns
and minerals
and fruits
And time is running out of power
and so it stops!
And I sit here
dreaming of stars where people
live happily ever
without even an after
And I struggle to embrace your shadow
to bring it here
as a windmill fighting with storms
shifting oceans and continents
gaining strength!!

Words are spent.
So I watch you invent others
and when my sky turns dark
you bring me a brand new blue one
where Sun shines brightly
and when you are not here
you leave a burning lamp
under which my love gets a golden tan
silky wantings make their nest
like a triumphant butterfly
flying away from dangers
and then I realize that
when you touch loneliness
it sounds like a keyboard
stopping

Every day
I’m scrutinizing
amazing lives beyond the stars
Imagining that stroking a tiny ray of light
will bring me closer to you
or to them!
And I learn to receive dead leaves that
fall beautifully tired
of a life where they felt responsible for
a never growing tree
And every day
I tend to the pains and the fears
that took refuge into our hearts over lifetimes
Like the bird over its crying babies in the high up nest
Letting them feel the pulse of an universe
linking immortality to immortality
until my heart
will finally beat
heavenly

Heavenly princess
silently planting tomorrow’s seeds
watering them with dreams of yesterday.
Picking passion fruits
and plucking wild fears,
dancing around an earth that
will never be
home,
longing for a Sun
that might never be
hers.

I’m seeing a little love
nesting in your heart,
as little as the most far away star
or as a spark flown from
a large fire,
and I breathe slowly on it
so that it doesn’t die out
and so that it maybe breaks into
a full firework or a
burning bush,
no not a mystical or metaphysical one,
but a real embodied subtle flame
between two vacant souls,
trying to play ungodly.

You have birthed me
from an ugly dream
where I was
invisible,
scared,
dressed in pain
So that I can now
delve into this gift
of new life
where I
laugh
and I dream,
and I fight
and I am
Happy!!

You are my little big miracle
Here pulsing inside of me,
holding me through
that clumsy smile
flourishing these words that
can’t remain silent
soothing rolling tears of joy or
of pain.
You are my victory
and my golden secret
like the last drop
of the breeze
of eternity

Look behind you today
And you will see a blue shadow
with green iridescence
whispering
praying
wishing
to follow its star

The night
undresses the longing hours into ashes,
singing,
when dancing green dots
announce the death of a long mourning
descended from above like a lightning
raping the blackness of a room full of foul odours!
a few pencils strewn around
stain strawberry juice
shaping the way forward!
Lost in the sea,
I nurse back to love
the mysteries of a green retina
that has had enough of dissolving grey clouds
between eyelashes

​You’re temporarily gone from my dream​
So I’ll send my shadow to keep you warm
like a lost guardian angel
looking for its soul
While the coldness of your absence
is laughing at me
barely born from this deep silence
and ready to tear into this heart of mine.
And I want to send you my shadow
to keep you happy while you are gone
like a guardian angel
yearning to wrap its beloved soul.
A rosary with beads as hot as lava
is slowly counting my prayers
that you will be safe
and happy
and loved
and back
to me.

Struggling waves
no longer reach
my day or my night.
Their babbling
dances in boils and in foam,
restless incantations
delivering my body
into the blizzard
of this magical storm
that stirred my soul
taming its shadow
leaving me breathless
chocking
gasping
for
you

The blue eyes of
my loneliness
leave behind
hidden trails
where every second,
hopping
popping
flirts with the twisted thoughts!
Stray melted nights
stretch tears through the hourglass
of hope
Dreamy wings
fly to him
with a message of eternal thrill,
virtual petals
of malachite beads
opening up
for love

​Drops of love
carve themselves into my ribs
with a vague echo of cosmic disaster.
Vapours of hope
painfully skip beyond me
and beyond now
And I would hastily gather
all that you are and all
that you could be
if you were not
beyond now
and beyond me

I want to watch you sleep
my breath playing with your hair
a single moment of your hasty life
a little breeze to cool the fire
a little arrow to pierce
this cage of an
upside down world
where we shield ourselves
from love
content with wondering
what if?

I am thinking you
and my blood dances and swirls.
I am seeing you
and my letters drop into
loving words and poems of longing.
I am hearing you
and all my planets untie their alchemy
so that I could someday
touch you
and smell you
and make you
mine!

I am that broken spoke
my soul hanging on a screw swinging
creaking with the memory of you being there
or was that a hope?
or a dream?
or a curse?
I am the bewilderment
of the flat tire
getting patched up with a new name
and a new love
and a new life
most loved bike
getting trashed
by time
and by daily burdens
coming back to life
again and again
to get you from here to there
or from there to here?

Day after day,
I’m learning to be him
while he’s learning to
dive in and to be reborn
sneaking away from the
beaten path
where everyone is afraid
and lonely

We pray to the same God
and we wait
for a sign
or for a commandment
Sitting in this body with
fragile limits
as the outline of a
morning rain

I am carefully listening
To his smiles
And I measure the beatings of
his heart, thirsty!
I decipher the loneliness
of his fantasies
reading into his palm
and into the corners of his mouth
And I can feel blooming
secret little buds of desire
waiting to flourish
hungry for light
and for nourishment and for life
begging to be saved from one dream into another
from an un-lived past
into an unreadable future