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GIRL ON FARMER<br />
By Celia Beresford<br />
Weddings make people crazy.<br />
I’m not saying this to be Debbie Downer or anything.<br />
Being at a wedding can be fun—it can also suck—<br />
but my general outlook is that places where food and<br />
drink are given freely are OK with me. What I’m talking<br />
about is that the people having the wedding are crazy.<br />
Honestly, I haven’t taken a poll on this, but the bride<br />
mostly is the person who is insane. I am pretty sure<br />
most men don’t care so much because, in an attempt<br />
to mirror what will happen once they are married, the<br />
future wife is already doing everything. In the case<br />
when there are two men, I can only guess that one<br />
will have to take on the role as a crazy bride. Lesbian<br />
weddings, I’m not so sure if one bride gets crazier<br />
than the other or if it’s a double crazy wedding train.<br />
I think the word “fiancé” is funny. It becomes<br />
especially funny when people have been dating for<br />
years, maybe living together, and once they become<br />
engaged, they now have a new title. It also seems<br />
silly to throw in one French word randomly into the<br />
middle of a sentence. Then there are the people who<br />
really exaggerate the “anceee” part of it. They really<br />
French it up. These are also the type that manage to<br />
sprinkle fiancé into conversations at every few words,<br />
even when you know the fiancé’s name. “I called my<br />
fi ancé and asked if he could meet for lunch, but my<br />
fi ancé has a meeting so he can’t come.” “Oh, so Bob<br />
can’t meet us?” “Right, my fiancé can’t meet us.”<br />
We get it. He’s your fi ancé.<br />
I have only been in one wedding. Well, no, I have<br />
been in two but one doesn’t really count. It was my<br />
cousin’s wedding and she must not have had any<br />
friends because the first and last time we spoke was<br />
when she asked me to be her bridesmaid. So, her<br />
weird wedding aside, I was in my friend Melissa’s<br />
crazy ass wedding. Melissa had dreads and lived in<br />
the desert on a school bus. Years later, you should<br />
have still been able to smell the patchouli from this<br />
girl’s wedding. Not the case.<br />
She got engaged, developed an affinity for glue guns,<br />
jelly jars and plastic autumn-colored leaves and<br />
dedicated herself to centerpieces. Then she wanted<br />
me to buy an awful, shiny dress to walk down the<br />
aisle next to her in. When she initially asked me to<br />
be a bridesmaid (isn’t that archaic term illegal yet?), I<br />
38 JAVA<br />
MAGAZINE
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