Spring Connections 2017

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Being the Brave Parent TACKLING THE THORNY ISSUE OF SCREEN TIME WITHOUT FEAR. makes good sense, but it is even probably imagine, this risk more important to guide what they are doing with those increases as the children get older. Beyond video games, 2 BY HOLLY NOVICK Our world is awash in technology, and as parents, it is all too easy to feel overwhelmed by the task of keeping our children digitally safe. We are all busier than we should be, and the allure of the iPad babysitter is sometimes too much to resist. As our children grow older, we face comparisons to other families: “So-and-so’s mom lets her watch YouTube!” In those moments, it takes guts to do the right thing instead of the easy thing, but our children will thank us (eventually) if we lean in and pay close attention to what they are doing online and keep their screen content appropriate and safe. The American Academy of Pediatrics released new guidelines this year with smart limits for the amount of time children should be spending interacting with screens. The guidelines are straightforward: no screen time at all for children age 0-18 months, one hour per day for children age 2-5 years, and limited digital media for age 6 and up. Limiting the amount of time children spend on cell phones, tablets, and computers minutes. This is a vital matter of quality vs. quantity. While we would much prefer to ignore it, the truth is that the internet can get really dark, really fast. It’s important to understand just how easy it is for children to see content that they are not emotionally or physically ready for. Here are a few sobering facts: Sexual Content. When it comes to sexual content, Psychology Today reports that “children as young as 8” are encountering inappropriate adult content on the web. It has also been demonstrated that the unfortunate normalization of such content is changing early romantic relationship dynamics and expectations in psychologically unhealthy ways (American College of Pediatricians). Violence. Time Health reports that “approximately 90% of children in the U.S. play video games, and more than 90% of those games involve mature content that often includes violence.” The age range for this percentage is truly telling: 2-17 years old. The risk for exposure to negative behavior models, anything from bullying to murder, is too high to ignore. As you can violence has become a regular feature in television programming as well, and easily accessible through YouTube and Netflix. Dangerous behaviors. Did you know that 15-20% of U.S. kids intentionally inflict pain on their bodies? According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, the most common age is 12-17, but it can start as young as 7. There are self-harm clubs at schools and online, too, turning the behavior into a way to connect with others, to belong (New York Times). Adolescence is frequently when children first experiment with alcohol, tobacco, and other drugs, with nearly half of U.S. high school students regularly use one or more of these substances (CBS News). When combined with the fact that 90% of U.S. adults struggling with addiction began using substances before age 18, this becomes more than the “everybody tries it once” phenomenon (U.S. News and World Report). The majority of teen social interaction is electronic now, which means careful monitoring of texts and app use will often alert parents if their child is trying something dangerous.
Also embedded in online culture is the danger of cyberbullying and suicidal ideation, both of which are on the rise. Statistics from TeenSafe reveal that, while 87% of children report witnessing cyberbullying behavior, 34% report being victims of it. Of that 34%, 30% have had suicidal thoughts as a result of it. Bullying and suicide are rapidly becoming an accepted and “normal” part of teen culture. Proof of this is the wildly popular Netflix series “13 Reasons Why,” which has provoked unprecedented advice from the National Association of School Psychologists, who have stated, "We do not recommend that vulnerable youth, especially those who have any degree of suicidal ideation, watch this series." So what do we do? These are frightening realities and we, as parents and educators, are the last line of defense between our children and all the negativity the web has to offer. Tempting as it may be to throw out our televisions and devices, that doesn’t solve the problem. What solves it is courageous authoritative parenting. The truth is that the internet is also an essential tool that your children will need to use more and more frequently as they grow older. For all the negatives, there are positives, and it is our job to teach our young ones how to tell the difference. From a psychological standpoint, there are four recognized parenting styles: authoritative, neglectful, permissive, and authoritarian (Developmental Science). Obviously, neglectful and permissive are not viable ways to parent, but when it comes to kids and electronics, there is real tension between authoritarian and authoritative. An authoritarian parent is the “my way or the highway” parent. They establish rules, most often without explaining the rationale behind them, and any violation of those rules is followed with swift and severe punishment. Our fear of what our children might unearth on their cell phones can lead many of us down the straight and narrow path of authoritarian parenting. The solution. Authoritative parenting, however, provides us with the tools we need to set clear, supportive guidelines and keep the channels open for deep, meaningful, and healthy communication. Children of authoritative parents understand that expectations for them are high, but they are willing to meet those expectations because they know their parents have their backs. In fact, researchers have found that “parents who were more warm and restrictive were successful in limiting children's play of violent video games. However, highly emotional and anxious parents had the opposite effect -- their children played more.” Boundaries are healthy, and it’s also healthy for children to push on them, sometimes really hard. It’s when they test them that our resolve must be strongest. They are not just testing to see if we’ll give in, but also to see how we’ll handle it. By reacting with warmth, understanding, and love, we show them that the rules are there for their safety, but also that we are certain that both the rules and the child are a good thing. We should make time to talk regularly with our kids about safe internet usage and the repercussions of being unsafe online. We should monitor our children’s interactions on social media and online, keeping phones and computers in central family space rather than bedrooms (despite child protests!). Movies and televisions shows should also be monitored, so we can have dialogue about new and challenging content. Most importantly, we should stay engaged with our kids and invested in their interests and worries. By doing so, we are modeling appropriate and healthy behavior. Being a parent is the hardest job a human can undertake, and part of that job is helping our children face the complex technological word with maturity, intelligence, and kindness. We may find they don’t like us very much in the process, but the rewards will be worth it in the end. 3
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Spring Connections 2017

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