V8 Fathers volume

BUZZ FATHERHOOD
LET Him Sit at the (Dinner) Table In
2013, Sheryl Sandberg shook up the women’s
business world with her book, Lean In.
The book encouraged women in corporate
America to “lean in” in meetings: sit at the
table confidently, voice your thoughts, and
be a part of the meeting.
While the “lean in” movement
is not without its flaws, it did
its part to get women thinking
about not only what they wanted
in their careers, but how to
get it while managing a household
and raising tiny humans.
At the time the book came out,
I had just had our second baby,
was working 70+ hours per
week at a management consulting
firm, and was beginning
to photograph families on
the weekend. I was jaded by
the concept that women can
(and should) “have it all”, and
constantly felt like a failure for
neglecting to do so. I’d become
a sub-par employee, a sub-par
parent, and a sub-par wife.
A few months later, I took
stock of my life to determine
what I was currently doing
that I loved and was working
well, what I wanted, and what
I needed in order to have my
version of it all. In January
2014, I changed to a job that
was much more family-friendly
and threw myself into my
fledgling photography business
like an eight-year old doing
a cannonball into a pool on a
hot summer day. The ripple
from that cannonball has been
amazing. It grew and it flourished.
I now continue to work
my amazing job, run a very
successful photography business,
raise two young
gentlemen, and pretend to clean
my house. People, particularly
photographers, often ask how I
manage to do it all. The truth is,
I don’t; I do half of it. I do half of
the cleaning, half of the bedtimes,
half of the baths, half of everything.
While I took my seat at my
own proverbial table, my husband
took his seat at the dinner table.
That, and that alone, is why we
as a family are able to have it all.
He was always an active parent to
our kids, but I was a control freak
who wanted things done “my
way”. Letting go of my expectations
about how things “should”
be done gave him the opportunity
to parent his way, and all of us are
much better off for it. I recently
had a conversation with a photographer
who wanted to attend one
of my workshops. She really wanted
to do it and knew it was right
for her business, but she had kids
at home and was worried about
leaving them. After talking a bit
more, she left the conversation
with “I’m going to make it happen.
I need to make it happen. I’ll
ask my husband if he’ll babysit for
the weekend.” I’ll ask my husband
if he’ll… babysit. I wanted to
jump through my laptop and hug
her. And then shake her really,
really hard. This one line told me
so much about the weight she was
carrying and it broke my heart for
her.
Letting go of my expectations about how things
“should” be done gave him the opportunity to parent
his way, and all of us are much better off for it.