2017 JUL AUG

who needs special handling. They worry that they
will bond only with the easy-going child. She
reassures them that this too shall pass. As babies
mature, colic and fussing fade away, mom’s energy
picks up and life in the hurricane becomes more
manageable. It may take a bit longer, but love will
grow between mom and dad and all of the kids.
While few parents believe the myth of a good
twin-bad twin split, some fall into the trap of
contrasting their twins’ personality traits and
abilities — easy and difficult, pretty and smart. Of
course, there are times when any parent becomes
disenchanted with one over the other — a colicky
baby is no picnic; nor is a cranky, rebellious toddler.
Wise parents keep these feelings to themselves.
When they speak of differences between their twin
children, they translate them into positives and
avoid negative labels. “Amy has so much
energy. Lila stays calm no matter what,”
or “Harold is a planner. Todd’s the
engineer.”
Some parents have to go to bat
for their babies right from the start. A
mother of preemies told me that when
her own mother saw the larger of her
tiny newborn grandsons for the first
time, she declared, “This one’s a bruiser.
He’s going to beat up the little one.” At
that the young mom burst into tears
and told her mother, “Don’t you ever
speak that way again.” Fortunately,
grandmother learned quickly and has
cooperated ever since.
Within the family, parents can control their
own behavior and perhaps sway the relatives. But
there’s no easy way to protect our multiples from
inappropriate questions and comments of their
classmates, teachers, coaches and strangers. The
best defense is to demonstrate a positive attitude
about twinship and about any differences between
your children.
A mother of 12-year-old boys told me that
friends of their family rank the boys according to
their own preferences. For example, their sporting
friends rate her athletic son higher than his
left-handed twin who loves music. Her twins and
their classmates have a hard time understanding
that different does not mean good and bad. She
tells them over and over that their differences are
OK. They are two separate people with different
talents. Whenever one of her boys has a particularly
hard time, she takes a step back and thinks as
if she were on a job — to help each develop their
own self-esteem. And she makes sure that the
boys’ teachers and coaches understand each boy’s
special talents, too. Her boys may not understand
everything their mother tells them now, but her
words and actions demonstrate a model they can
use when they encounter the myth on their own.
Perhaps you and your family will never experience
a version of this myth, but if you do, be ready
with a positive attitude. If I could roll back the
clock, I know now just what I would say to that
woman in the supermarket, “Oh these are both
good girls!” A
whAt You cAn Do
• Clear your head of myths.
• Avoid labeling the children.
• Teach them that they are neither carbon
copies nor opposites.
• Encourage each child to develop his or her
strengths, same or different.
• Disapprove of bad behavior, but not the
child.
• Speak up for the children when necessary.
• Praise them when they stick up for each
other.
• Find help if you feel overwhelmed.
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