In Brief December 17

COLLECTED RAMBLINGS
The Collected Ramblings of a
Disaffected Northern Circuiteer
Part 9:
Although Brexit means Brexit, apparently, none of us at Northern
Quarter Chambers still has the foggiest what this means, or whether
we should prepare for a hard Brexit or a soft Brexit. This cropped up
recently at a Chambers meeting. One of the items on the agenda was
how we invest the surplus Chambers Expenses that we carry forward
each year. The fact that we have a surplus at all came as something
of a surprise to most of us, although from the reaction of the PI boys,
you’d think we’d just had a confirmed outbreak of the Ebola virus in
Chambers. Of all the qualities that the PI department has (and as I
write this I am desperately trying to think of some), financial acumen
isn’t one of them. They have always struggled with the difference
between earnings and receipts, particularly CFA earnings, which as
we know, only exist in the minds of the very wealthy. Anyway, talk,
not unnaturally, turned to investment strategies, and at an
appropriate interval I happened to mention that as the Chief
Investment Officer of the Wigan Law School, I operated a substantial
surplus using an investment algorithm. I don’t know why I said this,
because certain aspects of it weren’t entirely true. Nor did I have any
idea what an investment algorithm was. I’d heard it mentioned on
the Today programme on Radio 4 one morning when I was driving
into Chambers, but as usual I was concentrating more on Mishal
Husain than the bloke she was interviewing. The upshot is that I
have now been tasked with future-proofing the Chambers surplus;
the funds have been paid into an account in my name; and I am
expected to report to the Chambers Management Committee with
performance data every month. This should be interesting, especially
with Christmas coming up.
*****
It is well-known that most barristers have a degree of self-belief that
surpasses the rational. Undeterred by our failed attempt at cycling up
Mont Ventoux, Team NQC has now decided to enter a team in the
New York Marathon. This is a running race. I know, because I’m in
it. Fortunately, I have learned some harsh lessons from the Mont
Ventoux fiasco. I know where New York is and I think I know what
to expect because when the topic came up over the Chambers lunch
table recently, a couple of our young female junior tenants both
volunteered that they had also run some 5ks. This got me thinking.
Five thousand metres is only just over three miles, so at a decent
walking pace, I can get this done and out of the way in less than an
hour.
*****
One of the most infuriating developments in recent years has been
the surge in popularity of what is, rather inelegantly, known as
‘rankings’ at the Bar. We never used to have them, but now it is as
if our very lives depend on them. Management at Northern Quarter
Chambers takes them very seriously indeed, and we operate a threeline
whip to ensure that we prostitute ourselves to max effect with
our solicitor clients in order to extract every ounce of gratitude for
the fee reductions we have been forced to offer them. This is in line
with thegeneral philosophy at the Bar that we now spend more time
preparing for work, than actually doing it. We are not alone of
course. A quick glance at other Chambers’ websites suggests we are
locked in some sort of rankings war with members’ CVs now
dominated by comments ranging from the banal to the frankly
ridiculous. Silks, who are not normally known for their vanity, are
very good at this. Indeed, some of them should stop being Silks and
go out on the stand-up circuit. Naturally gifted for thinking outside
the box, I have come up with a novel approach. Since no-one ever
actually reads the various ‘Guides’ from which these rankings are
meant to derive their authority, I have decided to make up my own
comments, and have now described myself as “Probably the best
barrister in the World”. No point in faffing about. Our PR/Marketing
person was a bit iffy about this at first, but job security is important
these days, so she has decided to publish it.
*****
As you can imagine, a top-notch set like Northern Quarter Chambers
operates a sophisticated pupillage scheme, attracting only the very
best. In the old days, we used to take on Polytechnic graduates, like
me. Not so nowadays. Those duffers don’t get a look-in. Today, we
only take on people who are astoundingly brilliant, on paper. This
year we have been blessed with two such pupils, who were unveiled
recently in a formal ceremony which, as usual, began in Chambers,
then adjourned to the pub. Traditionally, pupils have come in all
shapes and sizes. These days they only come in one: expensive. But
with our new investment strategies in place, funding is no longer an
issue. Like most youngsters, Jez and Libby (apparently their real
names) converse in a sort of student-speak, referring to members as
‘you guys’ and Chambers as ‘this place’. Fortunately, they have
been assigned to the PI and Family departments, who have a certain
degree of flexibility when it comes to professional standards. When
asked why they had applied to Norther Quarter Chambers, Jez
responded by saying we had probably the best barrister in the world.
You could have heard a pin drop. I froze to the spot. My head
remained rigid but my eyes darted from side to side, waiting for the
inevitable fall-out, but there wasn’t any. Miranda, our Head of
Chambers, saved the day by saying we had a few of those, and we
all laughed. Our PR/Marketing person caught up with me afterwards
and said I was a chump. That’s what you get with Polytechnics.
*****
In a rare moment of respite from the cut and thrust of the Chancery
Bar, I curled up recently in front of our first log fire of the year,
clutching my copy of Cut-Throat Defence (Kindle edition only,
unfortunately), and listening to something my children call Spotify. I
had what can only be described as a disturbingly prescient moment.
I had a vision of an ancient Greek warrior in a white track suit and
flip-flops, running an awfully long way, and all I could think of was
MARATHON. Just at that moment, my headphones blared out the
Mike Rutherford classic, “All I need is a miracle”.
__________________________________________________________
John Knott is a member of Northern Quarter Chambers. He is
probably the best barrister in the world, an investment strategist, and
now a marathon runner.
12 In Brief