NOURISH YOUR BOND Special Step 1 Be a secure base 50 | <strong>March</strong> 2018 | motherandbaby.co.uk
What your baby or toddler wants most of all, after the basic needs of food and shelter have been met, is a relationship in which he feels secure, and in which he knows he belongs. ‘When a youngster has someone he can rely on, he has the potential to grow up believing that it’s OK to trust people,’ says Kent. ‘That helps him to form good relationships. It helps him feel safe enough to go and explore the world. And it helps him to be positive about the world around him, because he knows, deep inside, that the world has good things to offer him.’ In the first year of his life, your baby simply needs someone who is there for him: to feed him, cuddle him and engage with him. ‘Some parents worry that they might “spoil” a baby if they’re too attentive to him, but babies need that close attention,’ says Kent. ‘It’s in these first months that they learn how much they matter, and that someone is there to share the world with them.’ So, even when your baby is very tiny, look for ways to let him set the pace of your interactions. ‘Babies often look away from their parents for a few seconds. They then look back,’ says Kent. ‘So let him look away without trying to regain his attention – but Be bigger, stronger, wiser and kind ‘Children want to know that their parents are bigger, stronger, wiser and kind,’ says Kent. ‘When your youngster feels that you are all those things, he feels protected and secure. That’s because he knows someone is in charge, is looking out for him, and has his best interests at heart. But you need to be all of those things: if you’re big and strong without being kind, you’ll be mean; if you’re kind without being strong and wise, you won’t feel like a source of protection.’ Try this! The Moment app (free, itunes.apple. com) keeps track of how much time you spend on your phone. If you’re anything like us, you’ll know it’s not a bad thing to set a few limits on your own screen-time! be ready to smile when he does look back. When you do this, you give him the message that his needs are valued and you’ll follow his lead. Remarkably, babies do pick up on this.’ As your youngster becomes more independent, this secure base needs to be more than somewhere from which he can venture, that’s always there for him to come back to. ‘As children start to walk and explore, they need you to be there for them, but also to be there with them,’ says Kent. ‘This means being present when your toddler tries something out, without trying to dominate or direct what he’s doing. It’s the difference between watching someone with interest and stepping in to tell him how to do it better!’ It’s all about being there when he needs you. ‘When you take your toddler to the park, watch him as he plays,’ says Kent. ‘Even if he wants to climb or go on the slide on his own, and rejects your help, he still wants your attention as he does so. A toddler might rush ahead into the park, but he’ll still look back to check that his parent is emotionally with him. And if he sees his parent deep in conversation on the phone, instead, he’ll often visibly sag.’ Three ways to help build a secure base 1 CONNECT Think about using eye contact, touch and tone to create moments of connection. So, when you look your little one in the eye, consciously feel your affection for him, use a loving tone of voice, or hold him to you. He’ll get a deep and immediate affirmation of the special and strong bond between you. SHARE 2 Create little rituals in your daily routine that are yours, and only yours. Simple, shared activities, like starting every day by saying, ‘Hello poppet, it’s lovely to see you,’ help your child feel that the world is predictable and safe. LEARN 3 Your baby is unique. And if you pay him close attention, you’ll start to learn all about which sounds, textures, movements and environments he likes. ‘That will help you respond appropriately to his needs, which builds his sense of security,’ says Kent. motherandbaby.co.uk | <strong>March</strong> 2018 | 51
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