20 Fantastic Life Lessons

20 FANTASTIC LIFE LESSONS; INSIGHTS FROM MY LIFE JOURNEY
Hails from the town of Bizana in the Eastern Cape, Dr Tozama Qwebani-Ogunleye is
an emerging scientist whose interest lies in teaching, writing and leadership. She has
held a number of leadership positions including chairperson for the Council for
Scientific and Industrial and Research (CSIR) Biosciences student forum in 2012. In
the same year she was also the chairperson at the 3rd BIT symposium in China-Xi’an
for emerging scientists’ forum. Tozama’s passion for science and sharing her ideas
with others has been evident through a number of talks given on platforms such as
Channel Africa’s at the work place with Dr Izak Khomo. Her strong work ethic and
belief in pushing boundaries have resulted in a number of notable accomplishments. In
2011 she was honoured with a Women in Science Award sponsored by the
Department of Science and Technology (DST) and TATA Africa. That same year the
CSIR Biosciences unit acknowledged her with the student of the year award (PhD). In
2013 she was the recipient of the Fogarty Fellowship through the Aurum Institute which
allowed her to undertake 3 months’ training in Global Infectious Diseases at the
International Center for Public Health (ICPH) in New Jersey, USA. She is a lecturer in
physical chemistry at Tshwane University of Technology. Tozama is married to
Olalekan Samuel Ogunleye and they have two children (Anuoluwapo and
Oluwanifemi).
Tozama’s sense of direction, self-knowledge, expertise and life experience are few of
the attributes that add value to this book. If you need a concise and highly applicable
practical guide not only for self-motivation but also for practical life lessons as well,
then you have found a book to read. Contrary to the usually far-fetched ‘picture perfect’
motivational books, in 20 Fantastic life lessons Tozama shows motivational insights,
exposing her own failures and successes while exploring subjects like criticism,
identity, failure, self-leadership and belief system. The book is a fortune to all those
who are looking to achieve goals, dreams and personal improvement. I appreciate that
without being religious, she acknowledges the role of the universal and Sovereign God
in the road leading to personal success and freedom which makes the book a sound
one. Miss Cwengile Kenqa
TOZAMA OGUNLEYE,PhD
20 FANTASTIC LIFE LESSONS;
INSIGHTS FROM MY LIFE
JOURNEY
xcellent, insightful and straight to the point. I always wondered how Dr Tozama
webani-gunleye managed to excel in balancing her career and family life with such
great enthusiasm. Now the secret is contained in these summarised key lessons. It has
been an honour to watch her learn and practise some of these key lessons that she so
eloquently describe. She is a role model and I hope and pray that many others learn
from this book as she continue learning from others. Dr oe Molete (founder of Dr oe
High Performance Academy)
T NLEE

CONTENTS
Foreword …………………………………………………………….iii
Introduction …………………………………………………….…….v
Acknowledgements…………………………………………………...ix
L …………………………………………………1
L ……………..………………………………………….4
L …..……………………………………………………......7
L ……………………………………………………….....10
L ……………………………........13
L ……………………………………………16
L …………………………………………...…..…..19
L …...………………………………….…22
L …..……………………………………………….......25
L ………………………………..28
L ...…………………………………….….31
L ………………........34
L ……………………………………………………….........37
L …...…………………………………
L …………………………………………………………….41
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L ……………………………………….…………..….44
L …………………………………………………………...47
L ………..………………………..…..50
L ..……………………………...…....53
L ……………………………………………………………..
Wits and Wisdom ………………………………………………...…..58
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FOREWORD
Dr Maya Angelou said; “When you learn, teach, when you get, give.” In this easy to
read book, Tozama Qwebani-Ogunleye has done exactly that sharing with her
readers what she has learnt over the years.
Reading it reminded me of the importance of believing in God and in ourselves. If
we always do that, no person or circumstance can stop us from fulfilling our destiny.
I was reminded too of the importance of being a life-long learner. Learning should
not stop because you graduated from university. Keep reading, keep sharpening the
saw, you won’t regret it.
Becoming a committed networker will help you stand out from the crowd. Start with
being friendly. Don’t ever forget that without people you wouldn’t be where you are
today and that without them you will not attain the desires of your heart.
Time, Tozama writes, is the most precious resource you have so don’t waste it.
Instead, redeem your time; use it wisely. In addition, don’t be afraid of failure,
mistakes are just stepping-stones to the road of success.
Finally, dream big and be committed to the principle of continual improvement.
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As you read this book; a section a day or perhaps the entire book in one sitting, you
will become inspired, gaining the unshakable confidence needed to achieve
excellence in every area of your life.
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INTRODUCTION
I am passionate about motivation, firstly myself and secondly but equally
importantly all the people I come into contact with. I want to be the best person I
possibly can be and part of that is helping others attain excellence.
“You can not do that,” is a refrain we grow up with and hear throughout our lifetime.
Those five little words place endless limitations on a persons psyche and can sap the
very positive energy they had up until then, energy they need to move forward with.
Some people, however, are able to self-motivate and achieve success regardless of
the negativity and when they succeed we conclude that they are cut from a different
cloth. This is absolutley not true.
Let me define success; it is doing exactly what one deliberately sets out to do and
executing it to the best of ones ability. I was motivated by a number of situations to
write this book, but for brevity’s sake I will share two with you.
The first motivation came from my mentor who encouraged me to write a book. I
had shown a series of life lessons I had been jotting down to him just before a youth
event I had been invited to speak at in order to get his input. He came back to me
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and told me that he had been seriously inspired by them and that I should not only
share them with the learners at the conference but that I should write a book too to
reach a bigger audience. That was the birth of this book.
Life is about improving and perfecting our best, therefore each day is an opportunity
to perfect our crafts.
The second motivation came after having received several awards, including the
South African Women in Science Awards (WISA) - Tata Africa Scholarship for
post-graduate studies from the Department of Science and Technology (DST), an
award used to encourage and reward women scientists and researchers, and also
profile them as role models for younger women; then the Student of the Year Award
from the Council for Scientific and Industrial Research (CSIR). Furthermore I made
a guest appearance on one of SABC’s top TV shows as well as doing a number of
interviews on radio stations across South Africa and after all of these acheivements
a friend of mine asked me how I did it all.
Well, I was unable to answer that question. I so wanted to share a part of me with
her, my philosophy and tell her about both my failures and successes as well as my
rituals but I also didn’t know how I did it or I didn’t know how to explain it. I had
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never sat down before to internalise my philosophy. All I knew was that God was
my friend and the source of my everything. I also knew that I enjoy drawing the best
out of myself and the people around me. But there was no ten point plan I libved my
life by. This spurred me into motion.
I began observing my thoughts and actions more closely, jotting down the lessons I
was appropriating and those I was learning along the way. In truth, I came to realise
that I can not put my success down to one lesson but rather a number of habits, values
and desires all contributed to my success. Some of these include being intrigued by
the bigger picture, being immersed in possibilities, appreciating lessons from past
failures, celebrating victories and the eagerness to improve and be a better person.
As I share my life’s lessons with you I hope and pray that you will be encouraged to
embrace your own journey with greater tenacity and vigour. What I’m sharing with
you is what I’ve learnt thus far. I will never stop learning because life is an ongoing
journey demanding new and innovative ways of extracting the best out of it. I hope
you see the value in life long learning too and that you embrace it in your own walk
on this earth.
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Let us live passionately, always being found at rest within ourselves and dilligent in
attaining our goals. And let us learn from each other, we ourselves will be better for
it and the world will have a better outlook.
Be blessed!!
Dr Tozama Qwebani-Ogunleye,
P.S, these encouragements are also contained in an audio book that will follow the
release of my book.
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ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
If I stand tall it is because I stand on the shoulders of giants. I am grateful to
those who came before me and thank God for any good gift that I have.
I will be the pretender to the throne if I don’t mention the names of some of
these giants Mr Olalekan Samuel Ogunleye (My husband); Mrs Bukelwa and
Mr Thandabantu Qwebani (My Parents); Dr Joe Molete (Coach); Mrs
Nogolide Zokufa (second mother), Deaconess Adeola Akintoye; Dr Tosin
Badeniyi; Mrs Lara and Prof Banjo; Pastor Odewale Femi; Mrs Zimasa
Qwebani-Swana, Mr Vuyani Qwebani, Miss Phindile Qwebani, Miss
Cwengile Kenqa (siblings); Dr Banothile Makhubela, Dr Vuyelwa Tembu,
Mrs Zanele Makabane, Dr Steven Mufhumadi (Friends and reviewers).
Family at large; The Qwebani’s, Ogunleye’s, Tetani’s, Zokufa’s, Swana’s,
Kenqa’s, Mdingi’s, the church at large and all our friends thank you so much
for all of your continuous support, I appreciate it so much. You are all indeed
a blessing to me. I love you all.
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LESSON 1
PERMIT YOURSELF TO LIVE
“Iron rusts from disuse, stagnant water becomes frozen in cold weather,
even so does inactivation sap the vigour of the mind.’’ - Leonardo da
Vinci
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Most people die at the age of 21 and are buried at 65, or so the saying goes. But
have you ever stopped to ask yourself where those intermittent 44 years disappear
to? I believe that too many people turn a deaf ear to a still small voice in their
spirit trying to lead them along a certain way, the way to their destiny. Instead,
like water they flow along the path of least resistance, just going along with
whatever life does or does not bring them.
To end up being truly content, one needs to follow that inner compass whose true
north is destiny but whose path is mostly not the easiest. Complacency is not the
only destiny killer though, comparison is easy to fall prey to too. We look at the
people around us who have or are achieving great things in their life and we
become disheartened and then resign ourselves to the station in life we find
ourselves at. It is easy to succumb to comparison if you do not know who you are
and you will only find out who you are if you attune your soul to your spirit. To
this end it is necessary that you seperate yourself from the hum-drum of life and
silence your soul so that your spirit can ring out.
We all have something unique that the universe yearns for and it is always from
within, not from without. Yet we miss tapping into our uniqueness because we
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ask the people around us to tell us what our purpose is instead of asking the
Creator and searching out the answers for ourselves. The Creator knows the
purpose of His creation and who knows a man better than he himself, provided
of course that he has taken the time to find out?
However, sometimes we miss the opportunity of visiting and staying in the
splendour of our purpose because we are too busy. Remember, busyness is an
antidote of boredom. And boredom comes from not being self-fulfilled. And not
being fulfilled comes from not living out your authenticity.
The only way to live out your authentic self is when we are doing that which we
were created for. Sometimes that boils down to making a conscious decision to
find yourself and to then follow the desire of your heart come rain or shine. You
owe it to yourself, not the person next to you. Living in this state of being allows
us to practice and share our gifts. Life becomes more concrete and it is then easier
to see our challenges as stepping stones to something greater. When we love what
we are doing, criticism becomes fuel for our engine and each day becomes
meaningful to us. Bearing these things in mind, take hold of your destiny. Cut all
the puppet strings others or circumstances are pulling in your life and allow
yourself this one freedom; the freedom to live!
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LESSON 2
THE ULTIMATE LEADERSHIP IS SELF
LEADERSHIP
“Leadership is not taught but activated through a teacher and always
self-discovered” - Dr Tozama Qwebani-Ogunleye
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_____________________________________________________________
John Quincy once quipped that a leader is someone whose actions inspire
others to do more, dream more and become more! As a committed life-long
learner of leadership I have come to the understanding that the heart of a leader
is integrity. Integrity is being able to align one’s words and actions with one’s
inner values, a state that is not possible to achieve without mastering the art of
self-leadership. I cannot expect quality results from anyone if I have not placed
that demand on myself first.
People whom can lead themselves and others effectively have a unique mental
attitude, which stems from an internalized process of self-discovery. This
journey is almost always connected to finding one’s sense of purpose and selfworth.
Dr Myles Munroe put it this way: “True leaders do not seek power but
are driven by a passion to achieve a noble cause.” Warren Bennis, the man
known as the dean of leadership gurus said that, “Becoming a leader is
synonymous with becoming yourself!” I concur with that statement. I have
noticed that every authentic leader has a seed which was set at liberty to grow
and mature. Ingredients need to be marinated first, cooked, and then left to
simmer before becoming a pot of delicious stew. So too do people have to go
through a process in order to evolve from being the messenger to becoming
the message.
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If the desire of your heart is to become a person whom positively influences
the people around yourself, put in the effort and allow yourself the time to
graduate from being the messenger to being the message. People respond to
the message much more readily than what they do to the messenger. The
essence of this truth lies in the fact that people respond to the character of the
person delivering the message not just the content.
All able-minded people are leaders to one degree or another and it is the
responsibility of each person to develop their own unique leadership voice. In
your quest to develop your voice remember that a leader is a person with a
mind-set that allows words and actions to be congruent with inner values, a
state only achieved through self-mastery.
_____________________________________________________________
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LESSON 3
BELIEF SYSTEM IS VERY CRUCIAL
“The way we operate is the result of our belief system’’ - Dr Tozama
Qwebani-Ogunleye
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What you believe about yourself will manifest in your actions, whether good or
bad. Any negative perception will cause limitations. This belief system, so central
to our success/failure in life is influenced by many things, inter-alia: culture,
upbringing, education, friendships/relationships, people in one’s sphere, and the
books one reads.
We cannot change the way we were brought up, however people and or books
can become our biggest life game-changer. They can shift our paradigm of
thinking and impact our belief system positively. It is true that even if one is a
lion, association can help one behave like a sheep.
From the time I could read I have loved reading stories about people who have
made a mark on this earth. Growing up in secluded rural areas, their lives
provided me with a door into worlds I never knew existed and experiences foreign
to my world. The first book my parents bought me was a Bible. The stories I read
in its pages have sculpted me into the person I am today and doubtless I am a
better person for it. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,” is
my mantra and is taken from Philippians 4 verse 13 in the Bible. Two books that
encouraged me during my high school years were ‘Gifted Hands’ and ‘Think
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Big,’ both by Dr Ben Carson. His writings taught me that through hard work,
determination and prayer a village girl like myself could become anything she
aspires to be in life. I said to myself that if he could rise from the humble
beginnings he came from and achieve what he has then so too could I.
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LESSON 4
BE A STUDENT OF THE AREA YOU WANT TO
IMPACT
“The path to impact the world requires us to walk the longest journey- a
journey from within.” - UN leader Dag Hammarskjöld
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Be a student of the area in life you want to influence. Not the kind of student that
goes to school and then quits learning but a life-long learner. This type of learner
never stops learning but is always observing and seeking answers to questions
posed to him/her or which they themselves raise. Life is governed by laws and
principles and people who excel in life understand them and know how to
implement them at the right moment. Therefore, if one knew the laws and
principles which govern a field, one could learn the art of excelling in that area.
In many cases people tend to be surface learners, not wanting to make the effort
of scratching below the surface. A good example of this is when another country
is faced with a set of challenges. How quick are we to point fingers and to profer
them solutions, scoffing at their inability to do so for themselves?
And on face value these ideas might seem brilliant but applied to their country
with their peculiar politics and cultural dynamics they might just fall flat.
As the saying goes: “In crisis everyone has a solution but it takes the man of
understanding to come up with a solution that he can execute.” From this example
it is important to understand that in any society change comes from within that
society. It is the same with the individual. Humility goes a long way in making a
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person a life-long learner who will impact their particular sphere of influence.
Most people want to be the teacher not the one being taught but being taught is a
necessary process of being equipped with the skills one needs to govern oneself
through a career. Therefore, develop a willingness to be taught by people, books,
life experiences and even mistakes. And commit to doing this throughout your
life, you will be amazed at what you have achieved when you look back one day.
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LESSON 5
PSYCHOLOGICAL STRENGTH AND ATTITUDE
“Psychological strength and positive attitude are powerful ingredients of
greatness.’’ - Dr Tozama Qwebani-Ogunleye
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In a professional environment where most people have a string of qualifications
behind their name, intelligence is a given. Two things set the champions apart
from the rest of the pack: positive attitude and psychological strength. You can
see this manifest in the workplace in the way they talk and present themselves.
• Positive attitude
It is undoubtedly the X-factor in keeping the office mood productive and exciting.
Positivity is a precursor to quality results. Negativity however is the breeding
ground of mediocrity at best. If you foster an attitude of positivity in everything
you do at work, whether you enjoy the task or not, you will end up being a shining
light whom everybody notices and gravitates towards. A simple step in the
direction of being that shining light is to greet everyone when coming and going
and to be liberal with your smile. Try encourage negative people but keep your
interaction with them short until such time that they have become more positive
themselves.
Psychological strength
This is about having the fortitude to master one’s emotions in the face of
negativity and being able to interpret everything you hear in a positive light.
When your boss says this or that is not good enough, admit to the fact that you
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have not met a standard of his/hers but at the same time choose to realise that you
have been given the opportunity to find out what that standard is and to then go
and meet/exceed it. Do not fall for the trap of internalising negative remarks,
becoming discouraged and giving up.
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LESSON 6
PEOPLE ARE VERY IMPORTANT
“No one makes it as an island.’’
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This is a very important point. We cannot survive in this world without
people. We gain from family, friends and colleagues in our lives and even
more the so if we appreciate them. No one has ever made it as an island.
Mentors are crucial to our personal and professional growth and we should
all strive to have a few encouraging and wise people in our lives who can
provide us with a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on and perceptive insight.
However, we can also learn what not to do by other people’s mistakes. If
you apply yourself to observation you can become privy to practices which
do not yield desirable results.
I have made it a practice of mine to surround myself with people who have
propelled me to become a better me. People who have helped me to sharpen
my axe and in some instances I have helped sharpen their blades. These
include family members, mentors, coaches, friends and colleagues at work.
I love what former US President Abraham Lincoln said about planning and
executing tasks: “If I had six hours to chop down a tree, I’d spend the first
four hours sharpening the axe.”
Therefore my advice to you is to find people who have already travelled
the path you are about to travel, whether in a casual or professional
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capacity, and learn from them. This could be the
most influential decision affecting the speed and extent of your personal
development.
As mentioned in the previous chapter, make it a habit of yours to surround
yourself with people who encourage you to become a better you and limit
or cut negative people out of your life. Remember that the more you spend
time with people, the greater the influence they will be able to exert on
your attitudes and thoughts. Choose your circle of influence wisely then.
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LESSON 7
TO KILL A BAD HABIT, KILL IT AT THE
SUBCONSCIOUS LEVEL.
“Though we are in plenty we feel hungry because the hungry days have
not left us.’’ – Excerpt from an anecdote by Petro Russell
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Bad experiences and habits have a way of clinging to us. Petro Russell, a
historian, illustrates this point succinctly with an anecdote from his life.
His family adopted two girls who had escaped war and although they had
plenty of food in their new home, the girls would sneak out to their
neighbour’s farms and steal potatoes which they would roast and eat. When
asked why their response was, “Though we are in plenty we feel hungry
because the hungry days have not left us.”
This story moved me from the first and still does. It taught me that one
needs to kill negative perceptions in order to move on in life. Having
automated phrases in ones vocabulary like, 'the same old same old' or ‘I
have always been like this,’ are seemingly small and inconsequential
responses but the ramifications of harboring negative thoughts like these
could be disastrous. Attitudes like these curtail our ability to learn new
things. The day we stop learning is the day we start stagnating and a
stagnant pool is a death trap.
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At this juncture it is important to consider the fact that automated responses
such as the ones mentioned above do not originate in the sub-conscious

mind but in the conscious. The conscious mind, whether positively or
negatively influenced, tells us how to respond to certain stimuli and once a
pattern has been established these responses become embedded in the subconscious
mind, manifesting themselves as habits.
Once a body of water has carved out a path to flow along, it flows easily
and the longer it flows along the same path the more difficult it becomes
to change its course. It is the same with thoughts, it is what makes habits
difficult to break; the subconscious mind does not have the ability to
distinguish between what is real and not
Although it would be easier to just carry on in one’s set ways, negative
thoughts and actions need to be uprooted from the sub-conscious mind in
order for one to experience true liberty and meaningful change. This
uprooting begins in the conscious realm though with a committed decision
to change.
Today is not the same old same old but rather a gift of time we can use to
improve our skills and to become a better person than we were yesterday.
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LESSON 8
TIME: A TOOL AND A RESOURCE
“While running, one can hear the noise but can’t hear the conversations
because at that significant moment no amount of talking can make one a winner
if one is ill-prepared.’’ - Dr Tozama Qwebani-Ogunleye
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There is a time for everything. There is a time to listen to many people, a time to
listen to a select few and there is a time to drown out everyone and focus on the
noise of a crowd. The art lies in knowing who to listen to and when and part of
this art is having the ability to understand the times.
For example, when one is running a race there is:
1. A time to listen to your coach, dietician, family, friends, haters and
naysayers.
2. A time to listen to the whistle blower and to recall the lessons and advice
received from the aforementioned people.
3. A time to run.
The same principal applies to the different areas in our lives. It is our
responsibility to distinguish the season we find ourselves in.
In stage one I included naysayers and haters because those types of people will
always be around but instead of expending energy on doing battle with them I
believe we serve ourselves better by using their negativity to fuel our engines.
When someone says you will not amount to anything, focus on practising and
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mastering the necessary disciplines needed to excel in your chosen field of
expertise. It will not be long before you prove them wrong.
The time to run is a time of no voices but one’s inner voice. In this state of mind
one becomes laser focused on one’s passions. Running towards one’s goal, one
will be aware of noise but unable to discern between conversations. At this
juncture it is vital that all the training needed has been put in already to ensure
that one crosses the line triumphantly. There is no turning back once the gun has
gone off and all that will then matter is crossing the finish line.
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LESSON 9
FAIL FORWARD
“Failure is the mother of success.’’ - Chinese proverb
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To admit failure is difficult. To do so however shows maturity and a willingness
to learn and or unlearn. All of us are faced with failure at some time or another in
our lives, that is common, and at the expense of sounding negative, when you fail
(all too common too) the important thing to remember is to learn from your failure
in order to be better equipped for your next task.
Thomas Edison failed 9999 times trying to create the light bulb. When asked
about this he said, “I have not failed 9999 times. I have successfully discovered
9999 ways to NOT make a light bulb.”
Edison chose to view his “failures” as lessons which eventually taught him how
to invent the light bulb and which changed the world forever. My advice to
anyone who would take it is embrace failure, it is the seed of your greatness.
Starting out as a science undergraduate student at the University of Cape Town I
tackled two major courses, Biochemistry and Chemistry. I spent much of my time
focusing on Biochemistry but the moment I closed my textbook I forgot all the
names of all the enzymes I had just studied. It was baffling to say the least!
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During exams I hit a blank but continued writing in the hope of a miracle. It came
as no surprise when I found out that I had scored a mere 29%. It was the lowest
mark in the class and when one of my lecturers told me I was a weak science
student, I could not have agreed more.
Nevertheless, I repeated the course the following year, doubling up on my efforts.
I managed to get 53% and although it was a marked improvement I realised that
I was wasting my time on a subject that I was not good at and so made the decision
to focus on what I was good at, which in that case was Chemistry.
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LESSON 10
THE POWER OF AN ENTERTAINED THOUGHT
“A thought is a foundational idea. - Dr Tozama Qwebani-Ogunleye
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Great thinkers and philosophers might disagree on many things but not on the
fact that we are the sum total of our thoughts. A conscious repetitive thought
will become inculcated upon the subconscious mind and what will follow is
an enactment of that perception. I am yet to see a person who thinks himself
to be a worm acting like a hero. Dr Albert Schweitzer, a Nobel prize-winner,
was once asked by a reporter: "Doctor, what's wrong with people today?" The
great doctor was silent a moment before answering: "People simply don't
think"
Failure to think, imagine and dream is one of the reasons why so many people
go to their graves not having reached their potential. It is not just laziness that
prevents people from applying their minds and imagination to their lives
though. Having a limited estimation of oneself is hugely curtailing.
Contributing factors towards this negativity could be subscribing to
comparisons between yourself and others and embracing realities not your
own - fantasies. I am not speaking about using one’s imagination to create here
but about losing touch with reality.
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As a writer I spend a lot of time flitting between the imaginary and the
concrete. I imagined this book finished before one jot had been penned. The
truth be told though, I never thought of myself as having an ability to write a
book until the day I sat down and began to dream about it. I dreamt about it
because my mentor and coach encouraged me to write a book after hearing me
speak to an audience. Once the dream was planted in my heart I began to give
it life by speaking about it and today you are holding the product of that dream.
Should I have limited myself to just being a speaker this would not have been
a reality.
Your thoughts are powerful tools of creation but they need to be mastered
because they have the ability to destroy just as much as they have the ability
to create.
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LESSON 11
DO NOT ARGUE WITH THE CRITICS
“To impact this world you will have to kill some noise.”
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There are two types of criticism; constructive and destructive. If you practice the
art of humility you will know how to discern between the two and therefore be in
the position to discard the destructive and harness the constructive. Take the time
out to listen to constructive criticism, even if it might be painful at the time. There
are people amongst us who have gone before us, who have made and learnt from
mistakes and as a result are wiser than us. Taking their advice to heart can save
you from making the same mistakes they might have made or have learnt to avoid.
Find people whom you admire for the way they conduct their personal and
professional lives and open yourself up to learning from them. If at first you
gladly receive the wisdom they willingly share with you, then gladly they will
take the time out to share more life lessons with you. Be vigilant too, some lessons
are only taught once and it is those rare nuggets of wisdom that might just save
your life or keep you from making a catastrophic mistake. Bear in mind too that
just because a person may be wise in a certain facet of life does not mean that
they are omniscient. Wisdom is not a monopoly but a shared commodity. Having
said that make an effort to seek out different people who excel in different areas
of life pertinent to yourself.
Destructive criticism, it goes without saying, should be avoided at all costs. There
is nothing edifying about this type of critique. I have found that destructive
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criticism generally stems from people who usually only have negative things to
say about the people around them. These types of people never stop to consider
that the people they are criticising are doing the best that they can do, nor do they
stop to think about the effect of their words and that they are hurting people’s
feelings.
For this type of person happiness comes by way of feeling superior to the next
person and they are happy to achieve this even if it means chipping away at
someone else soul. They seek happiness externally because they have not learnt
how to tap into their own purpose in life and because of this they are rarely happy.
To cover up this inadequacy they presume to be experts in everything but this is
seldom the case. Arguing with people like this is a waste of time and energy and
you will do well to avoid them.
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LESSON 12
BOTH SWEET AND SOUR DAYS ARE INGREDIENTS
FOR GROWTH
“Growth comes from both pain and pleasure.” - Dr John Dermatini
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Dr John Dermatini said that greater levels of challenges are there for us to
discover hidden order and to spur us on to greater heights and that in both pleasure
and pain one needs to look for synchronicity.
The world view we get fed growing up is contrary to this advice though. We grow
up reading happily-ever-after stories. Beautiful no doubt but they leave us with
an impression that the world is one sided and that it is possible to be happy 24/7.
Once we buy into this fantasy it is easy to then just focus on the sweet events in
life and dismiss the challenging scenarios.
Reflecting back on my life I have realised that I have grown more as a person
during those times when I was being challenged. I have also realised that during
those times in which I have subscribed to fairy-tale endings, I have avoided
contact with people who would challenge or stimulate me to change and that my
personal and professional growth has stagnated as a result. I have come to realise
that challenges are there to help us to grow and to refine our mission statements.
If the process of growth is only embraced in sweet times it might take a life-time
for one to advance. Dr Eric Thomas put it this way; “Champions go an extra mile
when they no longer have anything in their tank. It is the ‘show time moment.’ ”
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The truth is that no one is immune to challenges, the only difference is the way
in which we face up to them.
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LESSON 13
FEAR, FEAR
“Fear robs us; it takes away creativity, it takes away talent and
sometimes we disguise it as practicality and never grow’’ - Les Brown
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“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself,” said Former US President Franklin
Roosevelt during his inauguration address in 1933. Fear itself is the giant of all
fear mongers. Nothing paralyses or hinders progress like the fear of trying or the
fear of the unknown. Fear kills dreams, ages people, robs creativity and shackles
people in places of complacency.
Courage is the antidote to fear. If one is to excel in life one has to come to an
understanding that some things are more important than fear and then find the
courage to translate that fear into action.
Fear does not just take away from the individual but robs the collective too. A
friend of mine has an inspiring life-story and wanted to share it with people but
for many years was paralysed by a fear of public speaking. One day she realised
that if she could share her story she could impact a life for greatness. The
realisation that her fears were less important than making an impact in someone’s
life for good spurred her on to get up on the stage and conquer her fears.
A little bit of introspection to pinpoint your fears followed by a modicum of
courage can go a long way in putting you on a trajectory to something special.
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LESSON 14
LET PRIORITIES REMAIN PRIORITIES
“The things that matter most, should never be at the mercy of the things that
matter least.’’ - Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
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Having priorities and the extent of sticking to them is directly proportional to
one’s end. It is a simple truth but I see it broken all the time.
I work with many young people on a daily basis and I have noticed how they
swap priorities at the drop of a hat. If you are a student surely your priority should
be studying for the course you enrolled in in order to get the piece of paper that
will allow you to do the job you set out to do? Yet time and again I see young
people making conscious decisions to hang out with their friends instead of
preparing for their exams. And although they may get away with dismissing
priorities at this level, a habit of dismissing priorities easily takes a foothold and
will catch up with the person at one time or another.
Priorities go hand in hand with our highest values, our authentic self and our telos.
Telos is a Greek word used mostly by philosophers which means a goal/ a
purpose/ a final end. One’s telos is very important in waking one to the potential
that exists in one’s life but it is the prioritising and execution of the tasks needed
to get there that will determine whether or not the goal is reached.
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LESSON 15
YOUR OWN HAPPINESS IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY
“The happiest people don’t have the best of everything, they make the best of
everything’’ Unknown
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Personal happiness depends upon yourself. People can add to it or take away from
it but they are not responsible for the way you feel. We are sometimes made to
believe that some people are meant to make us happy and when they don’t we
become very disappointed and sad. In believing this we give away our intrinsic
power to be happy.
Fulfilment and happiness are always from within. It is the light which radiates
outwards for the people around us to enjoy. In my opinion this is connected to
being at peace with oneself. In knowing and understanding that the world is
dualistic; that it can be easy and it can be hard. Armed with this knowledge makes
it easier to adapt to the different situations we will find ourselves in during our
lifetime. Only someone who is yet to find inner peace will be angry at people for
not making him/her happy.
Sometimes it is our inner talk that makes us unhappy. The dominant inner voice
almost always controls our outer reality. Parkinson’s Law states that; “If we don’t
fill our days with high priority things it will be consumed by low priority things.”
Low priority things include comparisons, gossip, ingratitude, back-stabbing,
jealousy and envy. I have never seen or heard of any happy back-stabber. The
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energy we give to the world is always reciprocated. The capacity to connect with
our inner being makes us alive. And when we are alive and happy on the inside
we will be alive and happy to the world.
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LESSON 16
FOCUS ON BUILDING STATURE NOT STATUS
“We can all buy status, stature however is not for sale - it is earned.’’
Dr Tozama Qwebani-Ogunleye
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A person of stature is one whose values, words and actions are all in sync. They
value their word and they value the people around them. It does not mean they
are perfect though, to err is human but when a person of stature makes a mistake,
they are honest about it and quick to learn the lessons from it.
Status on the other hand can be attained apart from having good character. Being
rich and able to buy material things perceived by society to be superior puts a
man in a status symbol’s seat. Unfortunately many in the status seat act contrary
to the man of stature, which is a shame because they are in the limelight and set
an example for many people. When a man of status errs, he asks the price to cover
up or fix it, not paying any attention to whether or not the solution is ethical or
moral.
The greatest virtue a young person could have is that of stature. It is not for sale
but is earned through much effort, discipline and moral and ethical consistency.
It is available to both man and woman, rich and poor, the educated or the
uneducated. It frames the person in a good light and opens doors which otherwise
might not have been available to that person. Status moved me early on in life but
as I grew older I started to lose the fascination. I realised that it is fickle; it can be
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taken away just as quickly as it is given. I saw the ugliness beneath the veneer of
men and woman who sat in those purpled thrones and the beauty of humanity in
seats of dirt. I am not advocating a life of poverty but rather encouraging people
to develop stature before they seek riches. When one is following a man of stature
one feels safe and at ease to trust, two significant values/emotions that have no
price tag attached.
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LESSON 17
PREPARATION IS AS IMPORTANT AS SUCCESS
“Success always comes when preparation meets with opportunity.’’
Henry Hartman
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Preparation is as important as success itself. It is better to be prepared for an
opportunity that never comes than to get an opportunity while being unprepared.
It is important too to ensure that our characters have been built up in step with
our career advancement because with power comes great responsibility. As
previously mentioned, Dag Hammarskjold said it best: “The path to impact the
world requires us to walk the longest journey, the journey for us to change
within.” This is a prerequisite for sustainable progress. Talent and skill can get us
up the ladder of success but only our character can keep us there.
My father was a great public speaker. I wanted to emulate him and so made an
effort to listen to him whenever he addressed people, be it in a family, community
or work situation. One day I asked him how he managed to be such a good orator
and I was shocked by his answer.
“The best respect you can give your audience is to be prepared. If I know I am
going to address a person or group of people I prepare well in advance,” he told
me. My mentor told me the same thing after I shared with him that I had a dream
to encourage people but was not sure what to do about it. He said I should go and
prepare. That was three years ago. I took his advice and although it seemed
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strange at the time, I started giving myself motivational talks and talking to the
walls in my room pretending that people were listening. Then in 2014 I was
invited by the National Research Foundation to be one of the participants in their
role-modelling campaign. The campaign’s focus is on motivating high school
learners and university students from all over South Africa. And in the footsteps
of my father I make sure that I respect each and every person who will listen to
me talk by preparing well.
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LESSON 18
LACK OF DIRECTION IS THE PROBLEM NOT
LACK OF LEADERSHIP
“Efforts and courage are not enough without purpose and direction.’’ -
J. F Kennedy
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‘’Would you tell me please which way I should take from here?’’ she asked.
‘’That depends on the good deal on where you want to get,’’ the cat replied.
‘’I don’t care much where,” she replied.
‘’Then it does not matter which way you go,’’ the cat responded.
That is an excerpt from Alice in Wonderland and it is so true; if you do not know
where you are going you will not know in what direction to set out in. Not
knowing where you are going causes one to move around in circles, become
frustrated and end up being unfulfilled. If one understands their purpose and puts
measures in place to get themselves there and then gets there, that person sets
themselves up for a life of fulfillment and contentment. Bill Copeland put it this
way; ‘’you’ve removed most of the roadblocks to success when you know the
difference between motion and direction.’’
I used to be very busy, committing to all and sundry but myself. That is until it
dawned upon me that success requires one to focus on one or two things at a time
which are integral to your purpose. I realized that trying to help someone else at
the same time can drain one of the energy needed to realize one’s dream. Armed
with this epiphany I decided to focus on my goals come rain or shine. It was
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difficult at first because the minute I made that decision many challenges came
my way but with faith, persistence, patience, resistance and effort things fell into
place.
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LESSON 19
VALIDATION CAN KILL AUTHENTICITY
“The only permission, the only validation and the only opinion that
matters in our quest for greatness is our own.’’ - Dr Steve Maraboli
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When the motive behind doing something or behaving in a certain way is just to
be validated or liked, the ability to be yourself vanishes. Social media has become
a prime example of this where one measures the value of his/her opinions by the
number of likes on Facebook. Great ideas never see the light of day just because
no one clicked the like button.
Validation is a good thing in its time and place but there comes a point in one’s
life where one has to follow one’s inner compass, not arrogantly or in a selfcentred
way but with the intention that one would meet like-minded people to
share the journey with.
I have met many people who have let their magnificent ideas and vision fall by
the wayside because no one validated them. They and the universe are a less
creative and poorer place as a result and they have ended up becoming clones of
other people deemed to be aspired after. As long as we are photocopies of
someone else we will never be the best version of who we were born to be. The
only person you need to have validate yourself and have believe in your ideas is
the person you see when looking in the mirror. If that person believes in your
vision then there is no stopping you.
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LESSON 20
WORK
“ If you oversleep your dreams will never come true.’’ - Dr John M.
Tibane
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“An idle man will suffer hunger,” said King Solomon, reputed to be the wisest
man ever to have lived. It is impossible to climb the ladder of success with your
arms folded. Achieving success is difficult to one degree or another for everyone
but the more effort expended the quicker success might be tasted.
Opportunities always come wrapped as work, let us therefore embrace work.
Remember, greatness is a number of things done well. It is the result of one good
habit built up after another. It is a lesson my mother, who has high standards,
taught me. But with high standards come high expectations and this can be a
dangerous thing if no room is given for mistakes to be made. My mother knows
this all too well and so endeavoured to teach us that we could be anything in life
we aspired to if we prayed and worked towards achieving it.
“Sometimes you will be faced with challenges and sometimes you will experience
failures and that is ok just never accept failure as your permanent destination.
Rather treat every failure as a lesson, bearing in mind that I love you apart from
any failure or success you taste in life. I cannot live your life for you,” she told us
from young.
Personally I think the word ‘clever’ is overrated. It has been used in a way which
has left the impression that being clever is the preserve of a chosen few people
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ut believe that many can be “clever” if they were just willing and determined
enough to pay the price, the price being hard work.
I worked extremely hard during my Grade 10 year at Bizana Village High and
my reward was taking a good school report home, which included 98% for maths
and 97% for science.
In the first term of the year that followed I was called in for a meeting with my
principal. He told me that I had been selected to represent South Africa in Austria
(Vienna) for a youth event. In total we were five high school learners selected
from different regions (Kokstad, Mthatha, East London and Bisho). I represented
Kokstad.
This was an opportunity of a lifetime, I got to meet with our political leaders, was
interviewed by the media, was given a cheque to use for my own personal
entertainment whilst in Vienna and was given gifts to hand over to, Erwin Pröll,
the then Governor of lower Austria. I am forever grateful to my school, the
Eastern Cape Department of Education and the South African government.
However it was my hard work and resultant marks which had paved the way for
me to being selected and being able to enjoy this experience.
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WIT AND WISDOM
‣ If I know better, then I will do better. Maya Angelou
‣ We ourselves feel that what we are doing is a drop in the ocean. But the
ocean would be less because of the missing drop. Mother Teresa
‣ For to be free is not merely to cast off one's chains, but to live in a way
that respects and enhances the freedom of others. Nelson Mandela
‣ Not every closed door is locked. John Tibane
‣ Do not pray for easy life, pray to be a stronger man. John F Kennedy
‣ We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are. Anais Nin
‣ If I want to succeed as much as I want to breathe then I will succeed.
Eric Thomas
‣ Hard work beats talent, when talent does not work hard. Tim Notke
‣ It’s not over until I win. Les Brown
‣ Becoming a leader is synonymous with becoming yourself. Warren
Bennis
‣ Literature is powerful, it informs, motivates and transcends the character
of the author to the audience. Chimmamanda Adichie Ngozi
‣ I might not win immediately but I will definitely win. Tozama Ogunleye
‣ Many people have no idea what they can do because all they have been
told is what they can’t do. Zig Zaglar
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‣ I can accept failure everyone fails at something. But I can’t accept not
trying again. Michael Jordan
‣ People say that if you find water rising up to your ankle, that's the time to
do something about it, not when it's around your neck. Prof Chinua
Achebe
‣ If you can’t fly, then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk
then crawl. But whatever you do keep moving. Martin Luther King Jr
‣ If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because
he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears,
however measured or far away. Henry David Thoreau
‣ If your actions inspires others to learn more, dream more, do more and
become more then you are a leader. John Quincy
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