Yoga Life Middle East_NURTURING THE PARENT-CHILD CONNECTION

NURTURING
THE PARENT-CHILD
CONNECTION
14 | yogalife | MARCH-APRIL 2018

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One of the strongest universal truths is that parenting is tough, and with life’s
ever-increasing pace it is only getting tougher. For over 20 years, Hand in Hand Parenting
(handinhandparenting.org) has recognized this and dedicated itself to giving parents the
practical tools and support they need to deliver love and guidance to their children to
create warm relationships that will last a lifetime. Tanshi2a (tanshi2a.com), a community
based Emirati social enterprise, now partners with Hand in Hand to bring its Parenting by
Connection seminar to the UAE. Viki Shah talks to Tanshi2a’s founder Anisa Al Sharif
and certified international Hand in Hand trainer Zsuzsanna Egry to know more…
What does Tanshi2a mean?
Tanshi2a, which means “nurture” in Arabic, is an Emirati
led social enterprise that aims to raise awareness of
conscious, child-centric parenting practices in the
Arab world based on effective communication, positive
relations and respect for the child’s identity. Services
include individual family consultation and coaching,
Arabic language support groups, parenting book clubs,
and training. Learn more at tanshi2a.com.
What is Hand in Hand Parenting?
Hand in Hand Parenting has been one of the leading
global authorities on positive parenting for over 20 years.
The non-profit group provides parents with insights,
skills, and support they need to listen to and connect
with their children in a way that allows them to thrive.
This is done through easy-to-access support, classes,
and literature. For more information, please visit
handinhandparenting.org.
Why has positive parenting become such an important
tool these days?
AAS: I think parenting is even more stressful now,
because of the pressures we face in competitive cultures
and the expectations in modern societies.
More than ever before, parents need a different
type of advice; they want to connect with their kids
on a deeper level and express their love without being
judged. Years of misinformed research, especially in the
behavioral sciences, left parents with tools that keep
failing them. Parents are trapped in a vicious circle of
rewards and/or punishments.
Peaceful parenting provides parents - but also all
humans - with ways to empathize and improve our
connections to others. Eventually, this will lead to a more
peaceful world for all of us!
ZE: Although the news generally suggests otherwise,
today more people enjoy peace than ever. So now finally
we can not only focus on survival, but start changing
and healing old practices that are hurtful. There is a
great movement everywhere in the world to build a
just and peaceful world, and raising children in a way
that does not create hurt is really the groundwork for
this. “Hurt people hurt people” is a very true observation,
and much of the hurt we receive is early on in our
lives and stays with us. Most parents have never been
taught how to help children heal and what tools to use
to avoid emotional pain, and so the cycle continues.
When parents learn how to build and nurture a deep
connection with their children and how to listen to them
well so that they can develop good judgement, these kids
will be much less prone to engage in violence or hurtful
behavior. They will also be able to think well about
solving the challenges of the world.
What are the main schools of parenting thought? Why
and how do they differ?
AAS: There are many scientific and academic
classifications when it comes to schools of thought
about parenting, but they can all be summed up under
two paradigms.
The first one - unfortunately it’s still mainstream
to a large extent - is based on behavioral science. The
assumption is that like animals’ brains, human brains
respond only to rewards and punishment. This approach
focuses on behavioral management. When a child
behaves well, she is rewarded; when she behaves poorly,
she is punished. The punishment can be anything from
spanking to a timeout or shaming, and the rewards can
consist of gifts, stickers, praise or what is called ‘positive
reinforcement’.
The second paradigm is informed by the new
research in neuroscience and by what we now know
about how our brains work. Our emotions play a role
in our behaviors and decisions. This is a two-way
communication, and it focuses less on the behaviors
and more on the motivations and triggers underlying
the behaviors. This approach looks at the human as a
whole. It recognizes that we are emotional creatures and
suggests much more complex and effective tools and
methods, rather than the simplistic approach of reward
and punishment.
The second paradigm also takes the parents’ and the
child’s emotions into consideration when navigating a
stressful situation. This paradigm includes parenting
approaches like Conscious Parenting, Peaceful Parenting,
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and Hand in Hand’s Parenting by Connection. While all
these approaches share the same basic assumption and
respect for emotions, the tactics differ.
I find the Parenting by Connection approach very
practical, and it has the potential to change the
relationship between the parent and child on a deeper
level. However, the 5 tools of Parenting by Connection
are not quick fixes. As with all schools of parenting under
this new paradigm, you really need to be invested as a
parent. Think of this as a journey rather than a destination.
What are the fundamentals of effective parenting in your
opinion?
AAS: Effective parenting involves understanding
the basics of how the emotions work. That is key to
being able to form a strong, respectful parent-child
relationship based on trust and unconditional love.
As a parent, it’s also really important to understand
and work on your own triggers and stressors. As the
saying goes, ‘you can’t pour from an empty cup’. You
need a non-judgmental community that can provide the
necessary emotional support.
ZE: 1. Get support for yourself as a parent! Unless
we can release our stress, we cannot react well to
our children’s stress, or worse, we project our stress
onto them.
2. Build “connection-time” into your daily routine,
as you build meal-times and sleeping-time into it.
Connection is a basic human need, just like food and
sleep, so we better plan for filling this need. Feeling
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“EFFECTIVE
PARENTING
INVOLVES
UNDERSTANDING
THE BASICS OF HOW
THE EMOTIONS WORK.
THAT IS KEY TO BEING
ABLE TO FORM A STRONG,
RESPECTFUL PARENT-
CHILDRELATIONSHIP
BASED ON TRUST AND
UNCONDITIONAL
LOVE.”
connected is vital for our brain’s capacity to work well, and it literally builds
the neural pathways in our brains.
3. Make room for all emotions! For yourself, and for your kids! In most
parts of the world, we are afraid of so called “negative emotions” and
their expressions, such as crying or tantrums. The neurological truth is
that these are healthy ways to release stress from our systems. When we
let them flow and just listen in a safe environment, the negative emotions
and the off-track and hurtful behaviours that are a result of feeling bad
evaporate. And we do not have to do much for this “happy ending” at all,
apart from giving it all a green light and listening. This is true for us adults
as well. If you feel overwhelmed by parenting struggles, try to share your
true, uncensored feelings with someone you trust who does not judge you
or want to save you, but is able to just listen. You will be surprised to find
new energy, love, and maybe even new enthusiasm for parenting simply by
sharing your thoughts with another person.
ABOUT ANISA AL SHARIF, TANSHI2A’S
FOUNDER
A Conscious Parenting Educator and
Social Entrepreneur, Anisa Al Sharif is
also a trained CTI Co-Active Coach and
a Social Policy Expert. She is passionate
about family issues, child development
and education. Ms. Al Sharif is the
founder of Tanshi2a (which means
‘’nurture’’ in Arabic) a home grown social
enterprise that promotes Conscious
Parenting approaches and Child-
Led Learning practices. Through this
platform she leads parenting support
groups and other community-based
initiatives.
As a UAE national, Ms. Al Sharif
worked for Dubai Government as a
Social Development Policy Advisor for
13 years. She worked on key strategies
- including the Dubai Strategic Plan
2015 - and led the development of
public policies in the areas of education,
human capital development, parenting,
Third Sector and PWD inclusion in her
role as head of the Socio-Economic
Development Department at Dubai’s
Executive Council. She currently works
as an independent advisor on public
social policy.
An experienced speaker, Ms. Al
Sharif has participated in high-level
government events and conferences.
She has also served on panels at
prestigious academic institutions,
including NYU AD and the Mohammed
Bin Rashid School of Government. She
holds a Master’s degree in International
Social Policy from Bath University
in the UK, and a Bachelors degree in
Economics from UAE University.
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I fell in love with Hand in Hand and felt like the whole world
needs to know this! It makes life so much easier, and what is
most important for me, it allows me to deliver my deep love
for my children right where I want it to go, to their hearts
How did you both embark on the
journey of promoting and teaching
about positive parenting?
AAS: For years, I worked in the
social policy arena. It became very
clear to me that the most important
investment any nation can make is
an investment in its children. I
believe all the issues that we try to
resolve later on in our lives could
be fixed more easily if we had been
parented differently.
On a personal level, after I had
my daughter (she’s 5 now) I thought
that I knew enough to raise her well.
My intuition would not allow me to
settle for conventional parenting
advice, so I embarked on a journey
to find an approach that was a
better fit for my values. When I
found Parenting by Connection and
discovered how well it works, I felt
that I had to share this knowledge,
especially with members of my
community. I believe this approach
has the potential to change our lives
and our future as human beings.
ZE: Many people, me included,
find Hand in Hand Parenting in
desperation. When my son was about
10 months old, he woke up 8-10 times
a night, he could not play longer than
5 min with anything, he would not
laugh, and generally, he was always
overactive. It was a nightmare to get
him to sleep, and I was exhausted,
also because I was a single mother at
the time. When I found this approach,
suddenly I understood why my
son was the way he was, and why -
despite my best efforts - what I have
done before did not work. But more
than just understanding, I got very
practical tools that I could try out
immediately. And it all worked! He
soon started sleeping better, laughed
more and connected more. Then I fell
in love with Hand in Hand and felt like
the whole world needs to know this!
It makes life so much easier, and what
is most important for me, it allows me
to deliver my deep love for my children
right where I want it to go, to their
hearts. My parents unquestionably
loved and love me deeply, and I am very
grateful for them, but as a child, their
love did not get to me, and life was
hard that way. I am happy that I could
change this with my children.
How does parenting in the Arab world
differ from the rest of the world? Or
does it?
AAS: I thought it differed, but after
studying and working with parents
from around the world, I am now
convinced that the human experience
is universal. The details can change
from one culture to another because
of the ways we organize our lives.
For example, in the UAE we live in
extended family set ups that are not
common in other parts of the world.
This can add a layer of complexity
to the family dynamics. However,
feelings, triggers and emotions play
the same role across all cultures.
The Arab world rests on the culture
of motherhood so do parenting
techniques from the west baffle
Arabs? If so, how do they cope with
the differences?
AAS: Not at all. The need to connect
deeper and to express love better are
still basic needs. Peaceful parenting
techniques - such as the listening
tools of Hand in Hand’s Parenting by
Connection approach - deal with basic
needs like the need to be heard and
the need to connect. So, I think this
approach is a good fit for any culture!
ABOUT ZSUZSANNA EGRY,
HAND IN HAND PARENTING
CERTIFIED INSTRUCTOR
Ms. Egry is a certified Hand
instructor, living in Hungary.
She graduated with an MA
in English and has travelled,
volunteered and lived in many
places before becoming a
mother of three children
between the ages of 6 and
12. Her own challenging and
difficult experiences that
she has encountered since
the birth of her children led
her to find the Parenting by
Connection approach, which
she now gladly shares with
others in Hungary and Europe,
so that they too can transform
their family experience from
struggle and survival to alot
more fun, deep satisfaction,
and the cauldron of love and
connection that it is ought to
be. This will be Ms. Egry’s first
workshop outside of Europe,
and she is excited to share
the Parenting by Connection
approach with UAE families.
18 | yogalife | MARCH-APRIL 2018