The Sandbag Times Issue No: 46

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MRS FOX GOES TO WAR Mrs Fox Goes To War... The Chronicles of Little Hope 1939 - 1945 Villager of the month: May Day Hilda Ffinch: The Bird With All The Answers Hilda Ffinch, Little Hope's very own Agony Aunt (page 5 of the Little Hope Herald) was easily bored and terribly rich. She loved nothing better than taking on the problems of others and either sorting them out or claiming that she'd never heard of them if it all went tits up and they had to leave the district under cover of darkness having followed her sage advice. “Stepping out with a new young man proved jolly confusing to May at first and to be honest, a visit to Hilda Ffinch didn't really help matters much...” You can catch up with the adventures of May Day at https://www.mrsfoxgoestowar.co.uk/may-day This month’s letter comes from Miss Barbara Knockers, and it’s all about fashion. Slightly disconcertingly, Hilda’s on hand with her usual brand of sage advice... The younger of the two Day girls, May lived with her mother Holly and sister Dee in one of Hilda Ffinch's 'Grace and Favour' residences at the entrance to the rather grand Ffinch country estate. A bit of a wild one, as the saying goes, May did mean well when she joined the ARP but experienced technical difficulties when it came to the old 'lipstick or whistle first?' conundrum. That said, May could always be relied upon to keep scurvy from the door by charming oranges from sailors, lemons from soldiers and the very best bananas from the fly boys. ... | 42 www.sandbagtimes.co.uk
THE CHRONICLES OF LITTLE HOPE Letter of the Month Dear Ms Ffinch, I am having difficulty in finding an adequately fitting brassiere on account of my fuller figure and rather large bosoms. Sourcing ladies undergarments is becoming more of an issue by the day. Could you recommend a regiment who might gave a few yards of parachute material to help keep my modesty? Desperately yours Miss Barbara Knockers Dear Miss Knockers, I’m not at all sure, my dear, that the Parachute Regiment has enough silk in its arsenal to cover your assets this side of VE Day. Without wishing to be overtly personal, I was on hand to witness the hullabaloo caused at the greengrocers on Thursday last when you inadvertently took out two crates of Webb’s Wonder lettuce and poor Mr Augustus Peabody on account of your sizeable bosom commandeering his shop counter and tipping the scales in his general direction. The poor man cracked his spectacles rather badly, although there’s some conjecture as to whether this happened spontaneously on noting your approach or on account of his having come a cropper, as it were, when suffering facial contact with a 2lb brass weight. That said, one does appreciate the difficulties you must be facing and, after much thought, I think I may have the answer, I am sending you a parcel (second class) containing two old colanders and the front flap of a khaki tent, the latter having been kindly donated by the Little Hope Girl Guides (Beaver Patrol) which will hopefully enable them to attain their bush craft badges, thereby killing two birds with one stone. Obviously, canvas alone will not suffice to keep your barrage balloons tethered to the lawn, as it were, but with a little ingenuity and some garden twine I think that you may yet have the brass neck to appear in public again. Now, obviously, one is aware that we are constantly, as a country, being exhorted by the Government to save our old pots and pans for making spitfires, but Constable Clink assures me that no action will be taken against you for reinforcing a canvas brassiere with said colanders, particularly as – in a tight corner – they might still be used to strain the greens, as it were. If I might just add a little fashion tip before finishing, do think on and remove the base of each colander before covering them with said charitably donated fabric, otherwise you may inadvertently adopt the aspect of a dreadnought about to fire a couple of broadsides. I do hope this helps. Yours, Hilda Ffinch The Bird With All The Answers Dear Mrs Ffinch, Recently, during a charity tea party which I held for the local ‘Saucepans for Spitfires’ campaign, I was disconcerted to receive a number of complaints about the crab paste sandwiches which I carefully cut and served up on my best china tea plates. I don’t mean to complain but there is a war on and times are hard, and I’m quite hurt that some of the villagers saw fit to spit rather than swallow, as it were. Where did I go wrong? Yours dejectedly, Mrs Winifred Slack Dear Mrs Slack, I myself attended your slightly unusual soiree, might I suggest that you purchase your crab paste from the fishmonger’s next time rather than the chemist? Yours (still gargling with Jeyes Fluid), Hilda Ffinch The Bird With All The Answers If you’d like Hilda Ffinch, The Bird With All The Answers to address your own wartime problem, then pop along to https://www.mrsfoxgoestowar.co.uk/hilda-finch-agony-aunt to subject your personal crisis to her (hopefully) sober scrutiny. Remember to give yourself a suitable wartime alias! Letters will be answered online and a selection of them published in next month’s Sandbag Times. www.sandbagtimes.co.uk 43 |
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The Sandbag Times Issue No: 46

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