The Sandbag Times Issue No: 49
The Veterans Magazine
The Veterans Magazine
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MRS FOX GOES TO WAR<br />
Mrs Fox Goes<br />
To War...<br />
<strong>The</strong> Chronicles of Little Hope<br />
1939 - 1945<br />
Hilda Ffinch:<br />
<strong>The</strong> Bird With All <strong>The</strong> Answers<br />
Hilda Ffinch, Little Hope's very own Agony<br />
Aunt (page 5 of the Little Hope Herald) was<br />
easily bored and terribly rich. She loved nothing<br />
better than taking on the problems of others<br />
and either sorting them out or claiming<br />
that she'd never heard of them if it all went tits<br />
up and they had to leave the district under<br />
cover of darkness having followed her sage<br />
advice.<br />
Letter of the Month<br />
Dear Ms Ffinch,<br />
I seem to have developed a slight infatuation with<br />
our parish vicar - the reverend Longbottom.<br />
I am sure he has realised that I have taken a fancy<br />
to him as he takes flight to the vestry whenever<br />
he sees me. I have no idea what has come over<br />
me, but with all the men of the village fighting the<br />
great fight, the reverend has become somewhat<br />
of a tempting proposition.<br />
What can I do to still my beating heart?<br />
Sincerely, Miss Virginia Hotfoot<br />
Dear Miss Hotfoot,<br />
This month’s letter comes from Miss Isabel<br />
Ringer and touches on the vicar’s bell rope<br />
and clappers...<br />
I’m very much afraid, my dear, that the Reverend<br />
Longbottom - currently ‘on loan’ to Greater Hope<br />
from the Parish of Rotherham as their own vicar<br />
is in the Sheffield Infirmary recovering from a particularly<br />
debilitating bout of genuflector’s palsy - is<br />
a man of great moral fibre (and superbly firm<br />
thighs) and is therefore most unlikely to return<br />
your affections. <strong>No</strong>. <strong>No</strong>t if you were Mary<br />
Magdalen herself with a fluffy towel in one hand<br />
and a chicken dinner in the other. <strong>The</strong> man will<br />
not succumb to your feminine wiles no matter<br />
how fast your heart is beating, and should you<br />
contrive to hyperventilate and pass out in the<br />
aisle, then I believe that the verger of Greater<br />
Hope, the redoubtable Mrs Nellie Stocks, is well<br />
trained in first aid and will be on you like a starving<br />
alley cat on a particularly succulent kipper.<br />
I myself have witnessed the Reverand<br />
Longbottom shinning up the ladder into the<br />
church tower of Saint Venereal’s on several occasions<br />
when he has a mind to polish his much coveted<br />
bell clappers. All credit to the man, he’s up<br />
there like a ferret up a drainpipe and clearly has<br />
an impressively firm grip with those delightfully<br />
manly hands of his. Being the Christian woman<br />
| 40 www.sandbagtimes.co.uk
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