CCChat-Magazine_11-November-2018 (2)

CCChat Magazine 

Conference Issue 

The Magazine on and around Coercive Control 

November 

2018 

The Justice For Women Campaign To Free Her 

SALLY CHALLEN 

Meet Dr Olumide Adisa 

Researcher and Principal Investigator 

Professor Evan Stark 

CCChat’s Man of The Year and 

Conference Keynote Speaker

Contents 

Editor's Notes 

3 Blink and You'll Miss. 

It's been busy busy busy...... 

Conference on Coercive Control 

5 The Schedule for the day 

The CCChat interview 

9 Professor Evan Stark 

Justice For Women 

11 November Event 

Coercive Control: 

Punishment & Resistance 

The Spotlight On..... 

15 Dr Olumide Adisa 

Freedom's Flowers 

18 Continuing our serialisation of Pat 

Craven's book. This month: Chapter 4 The 

Six Year Old 

Guest Post 

26 Sing-Along-A-Domestic-Abuse? 

by Amanda Warburton-Wynn 

Making The Invisible Visible

Editor's Notes 

About The Editor 

Min Grob started conference 

on Coercive Control in June 

2015, following the end of a 

relationship that was coercive 

and controlling. 

Since then, there have been 4 

national conferences three in 

Bury St Edmunds and one in 

Bristol. The conference on the 

34th November at Goldsmiths, 

University of London will bw 

the fift. 

Other events have been 

planned for 2019 and 2020. 

Min is particularly interested 

identifying perpetrator tactics 

and has spoken on the 

challenging subject of 

differentiating between strident 

discourse and deliberate 

baiting. 

With the use of examples from 

social media, various covert 

tactics can be identified 

therefore creating greater 

awareness and understanding 

of our abuse manifests when it 

is invisible in plain sight. 

Min is also a public speaker 

and speaks on topics such as 

her personal experiences of 

coercive control,,perpetrator 

tactics and also more generally 

of abuse that is hidden in plain 

sight. 

In September 2018, Min 

launched Empower - a hub for 

supporting and education on 

and around coercive control. 

Find it on: 

www.empowersuffolk.co.uk 

Let's grow the Conversation! 

Blink and You'll Miss 

Hello to all readers of CChat - old and new and welcome to this conference 

edition of CCChat Magazine which, as well as being available online and as a 

PDF version will be made available to attendees of the Conference on Coercive 

Control as a printed copy. 

It's been a really really busy few months planning for the future. Empower, the 

local information and support hub for the Waveney area of Norfolk and Suffolk 

has launched. It is still in the early stages but dates are already up for coercive 

control and stalking training as well as a Freedom Programme Facilitator course 

starting next year. There are various events being planned for next year and they 

will be added to the site in the coming months. If you are from East Anglia, take a 

look at www.empowersuffolk.co.uk and keep checking in to see what's new. 

Changes are also afoot for this magazine as it is hoped to include more sections 

on wellbeing and managing trauma. As it stands, at the moment, I'm limited to 

what I can produce on my own with super-slow rural wifi but hopefully this should 

all change soon- watch this space! 

One thing I am very excited about is the planning for an event in 2020. It sounds 

like a long way off but time goes by so quickly that it feels like each time i blink, 6 

months have flown by! 

The event is called SMEAR! and it is a look at how and why abusers smear and 

how better to identiy it. It will look at tactics such as 'mobbing' and the various 

covert ways abusers use others to abuse on their behalf whilst they, the 

instigator or ringleader of the abuse, stays in the background. It is a deeper look 

at all those situations where the classic response is 'Six of One, Half a Dozen of 

the Other'. 

Tickets are now available for next year's conference in Liverpool which is being 

sponsored by the Freedom Programme and is also partnered with Relate 

Cheshire, Merseyside and Greater Manchester,Sam Billingham's SODA and 

author Jennifer Gilmour's Abuse Talk Forum . 

I'm really really looking forward to what the future brings and hope you'll 

accompany me along the way! 

To contact Min: 

Min x 

contact@coercivecontrol.co.uk 


Conference on Coercive 

Control 

The Schedule 

Schedule for the Day (may be subject to change) 

9.15 – 9.45 Registration 

9.45 -9.50. Welcome 

9.50 -10.00 Opening Speech David Challen 

10.00-11.30 Keynote Speech Professor Evan Stark 

11.30-12.00 Coffee 

12.00-12.30 Living With Murder Joanne Beverley 

12.30- 1.00 

1.00-1.30 Trauma Informed Services Dr Suzanne Martin 

The Elderly and Coercive Control (tbc) 

1.30-2.15 Lunch 

2.15-3.15 Cultic Abuse and Coercive Control 

Dr Alexandra Stein, 

Christian Szurko 

Dr Linda Dubrow-Marshall 

Dr Rod Dubrow-Marshall 

3.15 - 3.45 Online Coercive Control Sarah Phillimore 

3.45 --4.15 Post Separation Abuse Dr Laura Monk 

4.15- 4.20 Closing Speech 

4.20 - 5.00 - Tea and Networking 

5.00 ENDS 



LONDON 24th November 

Here's a closer look at the speakers 

C 

onference 

on Coercive Control LONDON will be the first 

conference to be held in the capital. 

The venue, Goldsmiths, University of London is a public 

research university specialising in the arts, design, 

humanities, and social sciences. It is a constituent college of 

the University of London. 


Professor Evan Stark is a sociologist, forensic social worker and award winning researcher 

with an international reputaion. He is author of award winning book, Coercive Control: How 

Men Entrap Women in Personal Life - one of the most important books ever written on 

domestic abuse and the original source of the coercive control model when the Home 

Office widened its definition of domestic violence. Professor Stark played a major role in 

the consultation that led to the drafting of the new offence. 

Suzanne Martin, PhD 

Suzanne Martin, PhD is a Psychotherapist, VAWG specialist and academic with 

experience of working in the NHS, HE, voluntary and private sectors and set up the MA 

Understanding Domestic Violence and Sexual Abuse at Goldsmiths. 

Joanne Beverley 

Joanne Beverley is the sister of Natalie Hemming who was brutally murdered by her 

partner. The story of how Paul Hemming became the subject of a murder enquiry became 

the subject of a Channel 4 documentary Catching a Killer:The search for Natalie 

Hemming 

David Challen 

David Challen is the youngest son of Sally Challen currently campaigning for her appeal of 

the murder of his father Richard Challen. Sally killed her husband Richard after a suffering 

a lifetime coercive control and physical violence by him. With fresh psychological evidence 

and a more developed understanding of coercive control a successful appeal would create 

a landmark case. 

Alexandra Stein, PhD 

Alexandra Stein, PhD is a writer and educator specialising in the social psychology of 

ideological extremism and other dangerous social relationships. She is the author of 

Terror, Love and Brainwashing: Attachments in cults and totalitarian systems. 



LONDON 24th November 

Here's a closer look at the speakers 

(cont) 

Christian Szurko 

Christian Szurko is the founder of Dialog Centre UK which provides information on 

manipulative influence and guides ex members to recovery after spiritual and 

psychological abuse.. He is the Review Board Member of the Open Minds Foundation 

Dr Linda Dubrow- Marshall 

Dr Linda Dubrow- Marshall is a clinical and counselling psychologist. She is co programme 

leader for the MSc Psychology of Coercive Control and MSc Applied Psychology 

(Therapies) at the University of Salford. She co -founded the Re-Entry Therapy Information 

and Referral Network (RETIRN) to provide specialist mental health services in individuals 

and families affected by abusive groups and relationships. 

Dr Rod Dubrow- Marshall 

Dr Rod Dubrow- Marshall is co-programme leader of the MSc Pychology of Coercive 

Control and Visiting Fellow in the Criminal Justice Hub at the University of Salford and on 

the Board of Directors of the International Cultic Studies Association. 

Sarah Phillimore 

Sarah Phillimore is a family barrister based in the South West of England and also site 

administrator of Child Protection Resource, an online resource aimed at helping anyone 

involved in the child protection system by providing up to date information about relevant 

law and practice, and contributing to the wider debate about the child protection system. 

Dr Laura Monk 

Dr Laura Monk has a degree in Person Centred Counselling & Psychotherapy, an MSc in 

psychology, a PhD in psychology and behavioural sciences and studied the lack of support 

for mothers separated from their children in a context of domestic abuse, developing a 

training programme to improve professionals responses to mothers living apart from their 

children and works in private practice. 


the interview 


Professor Evan Stark is the Keynote Speaker for Conference on Coercive Control 

LONDON. He is also CCChat's Man of the Year. 

CCChat managed to interrupt him from his extremely busy schedule to ask him 

some questions... 

Do you think the ( coercive control) law goes 

far enough? 

The Scottish ‘offense is better because it includes 

all the elements of coercive control in one place, 

including sexual abuse and physical violence, and 

carries a maximum penalty of 15 years that more 

closely reflects the seriousness of the crime. But 

what’s really different about Scotland is the 

political context, the leadership on this issue that 

has come from CPS and the judiciary, and the 

fact that the political wind of the women’s 

movement at its back. Northern Ireland has a 

weaker law. But the Women’s Movement there 

may make if work.’ 

Do you think the law has increased 

understanding of cc? 

Andy Myhill and his team at the College of 

Policing in London have done an amazing job in 

adapting training and risk assessments tools like 

the DASH to reflect an approach that is historical, 

comprehensive and focused on bringing women’s 

voices into the evidence gathering process. There 

have been more than 1000 convictions under 

S76, contrary to what critics predicted. Reports 

have continued to increase, showing women are 

viewing the justice system as a possible resource. 

These are all positive signs. Neither police nor the 

specialist services have been resourced 

adequately to meet the new demand. And the 

government persists in equating coercive control 

with psychological abuse. Coercive control is fearbased 

context of domination that makes 

emotional abuse tortuous. So much to be done. 

This is a question I get asked all the time. 

Could you please explain why, if men can be 

victims of cc, it is a gendered crime? 

Look, no one asks if ‘rape’ is gender-based and 

yet men are sexually assaulted too. Coercive 

control is in all kinds of relational contexts, in 

female-to-male as well as same-sex-identified 

partners, as well as many institutional setting like 

prisons or POW camps. 

Where literal bars replace the rules laid out in 

many abusive relationships, we don’t consider the 

restraints on liberty criminal. In relationships, now 

we do. 

To be worthy of public notice, restraints on liberty 

must be widespread and based on social 

vulnerabilities, among which gender stands out in 

its significance as a point of vulnerability in 

personal life because of its links to love, marriage, 

domesticity, child raising and yet property. 

We also know that when women are subjected to 

coercive control, the co-occurrence of sexual 

violence, stalking, reproductive coercion and sex 

role stereotyping is extraordinarily high and have 

uniquely devastating consequences. 

Nothing in the new law privileges women over 

men. But by presuming women should be treated 

as equal persons, it does give women an 

advantage they don’t currently possess. 


What else would you like to see to 

help victims of cc? 

Come to my talk and find out. There 

are plenty of women who are speaking 

up clealy about what they would like 

for themselves. Now some personal 

questions: 

How do you relax? 

Not by answering a lot of questions. I 

play piano—hard with my current 

health problems—exercise, walk, read 

novels, watch a lot of NETFLIX 

Favourite food? 

Dunno…I’m glutton and dairy free. I 

luv swiss cheese 

Favourite song? 

Old Shep by Elvis….I never cried over 

my own dog but was always perplexed 

by the things men did and did not cry 

about 

Favourite movie? 

So many, so many….Modern Times 

Chaplin; Duck Soup, Marx Brothers; 

Children of Paradise; The Big Sleep 

What do you look forward to when 

coming to the U.K.? 

Frankly, eating in Edinburgh and being 

with my pals from Women’s Aid in 

Belfast, Edinburgh, Wales , Glasgow 

and my colleagues in Bristol and 

friends all over. 

Next, the art museums in London and 

Edinburgh, And then the Islands. 

What would you take with you on a 

desert island? (Humans and pets 

not allowed!) 

I-Phone to learn how to use it and 

then, when it ran out, to wonder at it. 


Justice for Women is a feminist campaigning 

organisation that supports, and advocates on 

behalf of, women who have been convicted of the 

murder of their male abusers. 

Established in 1990, they have been involved in a 

number of significant cases at the Court of Appeal 

that have resulted in women’s original murder 

convictions being overturned including Sara 

Thornton, Emma Humphreys, Kiranjit Ahluwahlia 

and most recently Stacey Hyde. 


Sally Challen 

The Appeal 

whilst he forced strict restrictions on her behavior, he himself, would flaunt his money, 

have numerous affairs and visit brothels. If she challenged him, he would turn it back on 

her and make her feel she was going mad. 

Sally killed Richard in 2010 after years of being 

controlled and humiliated by him. At the time of her 

conviction, ‘coercive control’ was not a crime in 

England and Wales, only becoming recognised in law 

as a form of domestic abuse in 2015. 

Coercive control is a way of understanding domestic 

violence which foregrounds the psychological abuse 

and can involve manipulation, degradation, gaslighting 

(using mind games to make the other person doubt 

their sanity) and generally monitoring and controlling 

the person’s day-to-day life such as their friends, 

activities and clothing. This often leads to the abused 

becoming isolated and dependent on the abuser. 

It was dramatised very well in Helen’s storyline in 

Radio 4’s The Archer’s back in 2016. Sally was only 16 

when she met 22 year old Richard. At first he was 

charming but gradually the abuse began. He bullied 

and belittled her, controlled their money and who she 

was friends with, not allowing her to socialise without 

him. But, whilst he forced strict restrictions on her 

behavior, he himself, would flaunt his money, have 

numerous affairs and visit brothels. If she challenged 

him, he would turn it back on her and make her feel 

she was going mad. 

Although Sally did manage at one point to leave 

Richard, even starting divorce proceedings, she was so 

emotionally dependent on him that she soon returned, 

even signing a ‘post nuptial’ agreement he drew up that 

denied her full financial entitlement in the divorce and 

forbade her from interrupting him or speaking to 

strangers. 

It was not long after this reunion, that the offence took 

place. Sally, so utterly dependent on Richard, wanted 

to believe that they could be together, but his 

behaviour towards her was increasingly humiliating. 

The final straw was when he sent Sally out in the rain 

to get his lunch so that he could phone a woman he had 

been planning to meet from a dating agency. Sally 

returned suspicious and challenged him, he 

commanded her not to question him and she struck 

him repeatedly with a hammer. 

Her defence at trial was diminished responsibility, the 

legal team downplayed the abusive behavior of her 

husband, Sally was convicted of murder and sentenced 

to life imprisonment with a minimum tariff of 22 years, 

reduced to 18 at appeal. Despite the death of their 

father, Sally’s two sons and all those who knew Sally 

and Richard well have supported her recognizing that 

she was completely controlled by Richard. 

In 2017, Justice for Women submitted new grounds of 

appeal to the Criminal Appeal court highlighting new 

psychiatric evidence and an expert report showing how 

coercive control provides a better framework for 

understanding Sally’s ultimate response in the context 

of a history of provocation. Unfortunately, permission 

to appeal was refused by a judge who read only some 

papers. 

On 1st March Sally's legal team submitted a renewed 

oral application for appeal before three court of appeal 

judges. Sally was granted leave to appeal and on 28th 

November 2018 she will appear in court for her appeal 

hearing. 


Justice for Women 


Punishment & Resistance 

An Event -15th November 2018 

O 

n 

28th November, Sally Challen will appeal her 

conviction for the murder of her abusive husband 

Richard, relying on fresh evidence of ‘coercive 

control’. 

This form of psychological abuse which can involve manipulation, isolation, degradation 

and gas-lighting (mind games causing the victim to doubt their own sanity) was dramatised 

to critical acclaim in Helen Archer’s storyline in 2016, in Radio 4’s The Archers, gaining 

widespread media coverage and raising public awareness. 

However, it is still largely misunderstood not only in wider society but also within the 

criminal justice system itself. Introduced to English Law in 2015, there have so far been 

very few convictions of the perpetrators of this form of abuse and female survivors such as 

those represented by Justice for Women are still persecuted in Court. 

Emma-Jayne Magson and Farieissia (Fri’) Martin have both lodged appeals against the 

convictions of the murder of their respective partners. On 22nd November an oral 

permission hearing will take place for Emma-Jayne’s appeal. 

Join us as we discuss our current cases and the legal barriers faced by women who have 

killed whilst subject to coercive and controlling behaviour and other forms of abuse. 

Speakers will include: 

Helen Walmsley-Johnson 

Author of ‘Look What You Made Me Do’ a biographical account of surviving coercive and 

controlling behaviour. 

David Challen 

Sally Challen’s son on the campaign to free Sally 

Harriet Wistrich 

Co-founder of Justice for Women, solicitor for Sally Challen and Fri Martin 

Clare Wade QC 

Barrister for Sally Challen, Fri Martin and Emma-Jayne Magson 

Julie Bindel 

Journalist and co-founder of Justice for Women 

Louise Bullivant 

Solicitor for Emma-Jayne Magson 

Joanne Smith 

Emma-Jayne Magson’s mother 

Chaired by Claire Mawer, barrister and member of Justice for Women 


Justice For Women Event 


Punishment and Resistance 

When: 

Thursday 15th November 2018 

Where: 

Phoenix Centre, Phoenix Place, London 

WC1X 0DG 

Tickets £5 (including wine) 

For tickets go to: 

www.justiceforwomen.org.uk 

or EventBrite 


Spotlight on 

Dr Olumide Adisa 

Dr Olumide Adisa of University of Suffolk, has a cross-disciplinary 

research experience straddling both economics and sociology. 

Prior to joining the University of Suffolk in March 

2017, Olumide worked as the Research Lead 

examining live at home schemes in the UK and the 

role of third sector partnership working at the 

Methodist Homes in helping older people live 

independently in their homes. 

Olumide has held various senior management 

positions in the voluntary sector in the UK and 

overseas over the last 10 years. 

She completed her PhD in economic sociology at 

the University of Nottingham in 2016. Her 

doctoral thesis primarily applied statistics and 

econometric modelling to investigate and 

understand the determinants and the health 

consequences of economic vulnerability amongst 

ageing households in West Africa - using the 

NGHPS dataset collected by the World Bank and 

NBS in 2004 and 2010. 

She is extending the use of these household 

datasets to explore other health equity and 

vulnerability issues. Olumide has a crossdisciplinary 

research experience straddling both 

economics and sociology. Her core specialisms are 

in applying economic and sociological methods in 

the fields of domestic abuse, social exclusion, 

health equity, and economic development. 

She also teaches and contributes to development 

economics and research methodology courses. 

Olumide is a member of the Suffolk Institute for 

Social and Economic Research. She currently 

works on a range of projects as a principal 

investigator. 

Examples of Olumide's ongoing projects: 

Evaluating the money advice for survivors of 

domestic abuse, in partnership with Anglia Care 

Trust - completed April 2018. 

Access to Justice: Assessing the Impact of the 

Magistrates' Court Closures in Suffolk - report 

launched in July 2018, with Suffolk's Public Sector 

Leaders. 

Evaluating a social mobility pilot project in 

Suffolk, in partnership with four secondary 

schools and Suffolk County Council. 

Evaluating the Norfolk and Suffolk “Project 

SafetyNet” pilot service for migrant domestic 

abuse victims. 

The Venta project: working with male 

perpetrators of VACC (violence, abuse, coercion, 

and control), in partnership with Iceni. 

Evaluating the economic justice project --- routine 

screening for economic abuse into the delivery of 

domestic violence services (partners: Surviving 

Economic Abuse and Solace Women's Aid) 

Public Perceptions of the VCSE sector in Suffolk, 

in partnership with Commuity Action Suffolk - 

completed September 2018. 

Evaluation of the Satellite Refuge Project - 

Suffolk. Assessing the confidence levels of charity 

managers (risk, governance, and compliance to 

regulations) - completed September 2018. 


Outside of academia, Olumide boasts a successful 

bid portfolio of over a million pounds with major 

funders including: BIG Lottery Funding, Heritage 

Lottery Fund BBC Children in Need to support the 

work of various local,national and international 

charities. 

Olumide sits on the board of an international 

development organisation, Institute of Voluntary 

Sector Management providing research and 

strategic input; and as a consultant, she has 

worked with a grassroots Indian nongovernmental 

organisation, the Society for 

Development through Education, to empower 

Adivasi tribes. 

In her spare time, Olumide is managing editor of 

the Suffolk Research Blog, an initiative supported 

by the Suffolk Foundation Board. 

Recent Reports and Publications: 

Adisa O. (2018). Why are some older 

persons economically vulnerable and 

others not? The role of socio-demographic 

factors and economic resources, Ageing 

International (accepted). 

Adisa O. (2018). Third sector partnerships 

for older people: insights from live at home 

schemes in the UK, Working with Older 

People. 

Adisa O. (2018). An evaluation of an 

alternative money advice service for 

survivors of domestic abuse. Ipswich: 

University of Suffolk. 

Adisa, O. (2018). Access to Justice: Assessing 

the Impact of the Magistrates' Court 

Closures in Suffolk. Ipswich: University of 

Suffolk. 

Adisa, O. (2016). The determinants and 

consequences of economic vulnerability 

among urban elderly Nigerians. PhD thesis, 

University of Nottingham. 


Making an Impact: Valuing the Social and 

Economic worth of the Voluntary and Community 

Sector, Liverpool, June 2018 

Centre for Violence Prevention 2018 

Annual Conference, Violence Prevention at the 

Intersections of Identity and Experience, 

Worcester, June 2018 

Speaker and Organiser; “Money Matters: 

Changing the lives of survivors of domestic abuse 

in Suffolk”, March 2018 

The Determinants and consequences of 

economic vulnerability amongst elderly 

people in Nigeria: Evidence from a national 

household survey. University of Bielefeld, 

Germany (August 1- 8, 2017). 

Suffolk Domestic Abuse Partnership (SDAP) 

Presentation; “Data Sharing Agreements and 

developing a shared database on domestic abuse”; 

December 2017. 

Adisa, O (2016). Mapping third sector 

partnerships in live at home schemes to foster 

learning and growth. Policy and Research Unit; 

Derby, Methodist Homes. 

Adisa, O. (2016). A two-year review of the 

HomeWard Project: A partnership between 

MHA’s Horsforth Live at Home Scheme & the 

British Red Cross: Leeds. Methodist Homes. 

Interviewing vulnerable groups - depth 

interviewing skills workshop, University of 

Suffolk, December 2017 

A Fuzzy Set Approach to Multidimensional 

Poverty Measurement. University of Bielefied, 

Germany (August 1- 8, 2017). 

Discussant, Access to Justice for Vulnerable 

People - International Conference; The Advocate's 

Gateway. Inns of Court College of Advocacy. 

London. June 2017 

In her spare time, Olumide is managing editor of the Suffolk Research 

Blog, an initiative supported by the Suffolk Foundation Board. 

Adisa, O. (2015). Investigating determinants 

of catastrophic health spending among 

poorly insured elderly households in urban 

Nigeria. International journal for equity in 

health, 14(1), 79. 

Invited Reviews: 

Building Better Societies (2017). Edited by 

Rowland Atkinson, Lisa McKenzie, and Simon 

Winlow. Policy Press. London School of 

Economics and Political Science Review of Books. 


Freedom’s Flowers 

By Pat Craven 

Chapter 4- The Six Year 

S 

tudies 

of children aged between the ages of one and six show that if someone plays 

with them, talks to them, reads to them and sings to them, they are more successful 

at school than children who have been ignored. As the Dominator has ensured that 

we have been unable to interact with our children, they may start school at a 

disadvantage from which they may never recover. The Dominator has, effectively, 

forced us to ignore them for their own safety and to placate him. 

Children need role models because we all learn by example. Our children do, indeed, have a role model. They can watch a 

giant baby having tantrums to get his own way. They can clearly see that this tactic is successful, so they copy it in nursery 

or school. They can be excluded and then we take them to the doctor who can often diagnose ADHD. I want to stress that, 

as a mother in this situation, I do not make the connection between the influence of the Dominator and the behaviour of my 

child. I visit the doctor in good faith and I gratefully accept the diagnosis. This is clear from the narratives we have included 

in this book. 

There can also be another factor at work here. If a child is smacked for displeasing an adult, then they are being given a 

clear message. The message is that it is acceptable to assault someone who has done something you do not like. This 

lesson can also last a lifetime. Children of any age need friends. Friends can teach us how to behave socially, to play, 

communicate and share. This is a way to practise how to behave for the rest of our lives. Dominators are Jailers who do not 

allow anyone into the house. They cannot bring friends home. Soon, other children do not invite our young children to visit 

or play. Children of the Dominator have no friends. 

The absence of friends can affect our children in another deeply damaging way. Friends can show us affection. They can 

say, “I like you”, “I want to be your friend”. Young children who have been ignored by their mother to keep them safe cannot 

get any affection from anywhere else. Children can also get a lot of stimulus and love from their extended family. The Jailor 

has also excluded aunts, uncles, grandparents and all their mother’s friends. No one is there for our six-year-old. No one 

shows them any love. Rich Dominators also send our children away to boarding school from a very early age. They convince 

us, and everyone else, that this is an advantage to the child. I am not the only person to challenge this notion. 

George Monbiot, guardian.co.uk, Monday 16 January 2012 . 

..The UK Boarding Schools website lists 18 schools which take boarders from the age of eight, and 38 which take them from 

the age of seven. I expect such places have improved over the past 40 years; they could scarcely have got worse. Children 

are likely to have more contact with home; though one school I phoned last week told me that some of its pupils still see their 

parents only in the holidays. But the nature of boarding is only one of the forces that can harm these children. The other is 

the fact of boarding. 

In a paper published last year in the British Journal of Psychotherapy, Dr Joy Schaverien identifies a set of symptoms 

common among early boarders that she calls Boarding School Syndrome. Her research suggests that the act of separation, 

regardless of what might follow it, "can cause profound developmental damage", as "early rupture with home has a lasting 

influence on attachment patterns". 

When a child is brought up at home, the family adapts to accommodate it: growing up involves a constant negotiation 

between parents and children. 

But an institution cannot rebuild itself around one child. Instead, the child must adapt to the system. Combined with the 

sudden and repeated loss of parents, siblings, pets and toys, this causes the child to shut itself off from the need for intimacy. 

This can cause major problems in adulthood: depression, an inability to talk about or understand emotions, the urge to 

escape from or to destroy intimate relationships. These symptoms mostly affect early boarders: those who start when they 

are older are less likely to be harmed.... 


George Monbiot is wrong to assert that children 

are accepted from the age of seven. I have just 

done an internet search and found several schools 

who accept children as young as three! 

Young, growing children need regular nutritious 

meals to help them to grow and develop. They also 

need to learn to eat in the company of others. 

When the Dominator is in charge, mealtimes are 

fraught with tension and fear. I am reminded of 

the occasion when I asked a group of men this 

question: “What happens at mealtimes in the 

home of the Dominator?” Several gave this 

answer, “The food goes up the wall.” As though it 

flies up there of its own volition! However, one 

man who had learned a lot from my teaching said, 

thoughtfully, “In my house I used to throw it at 

‘woman height’ so she could clean it up quickly.” 

The others then nodded in agreement. I include 

this story to remind us all that the Dominator is 

never angry and plans every move in advance. 

Our children need sleep at this age. They are 

growing fast and need to be alert during those 

vital early years at school. Sadly, they do not sleep. 

They lie awake in terror, listening to the noise and 

violence downstairs. They may wet the bed. In the 

morning, we hurry them from the house to avoid 

the wrath of the Dominator. We may not have the 

time to clean and tidy them so we may take them 

to school unkempt and smelly. 

This can happen in any social group. A friend told 

me that her father was a consultant paediatrician, 

and this is exactly what happened to her. When 

she went to school she had no friends to protect 

her, she was not thriving in class and was bullied 

mercilessly. 

Once again, as the mother, we fail to make the 

connection between the bed wetting and the 

Dominator, and we take our child to the doctor for 

yet more medication! 

“In my house I used to throw it at ‘woman height’ 

so she could clean it up quickly.” 

Children in this situation can associate food with 

fear and tension. They can develop eating 

disorders. They can become too tense to eat, or 

may gobble or hoard food. All my associates who 

work in refuges have seen children who behave 

like this when they arrive, after fleeing from 

Dominators. 

Nearly every adult I know, who has problems with 

food, grew up in a home where they were 

terrorised by a Dominator. 

Rose again: 

...My oldest son said, a few days ago, "Remember 

when me and you slept in the car mum? The little 

green car?" I am amazed that he could 

remember, he was so young. "Remember, 

mummy, when dad used to play the banister 

game? He would take us to the top of the stairs 

and hold us over the banister, dangling us, you 

used to scream and cry and tell him to stop but he 

wouldn’t. “OUR LIVES ARE SO MUCH BETTER 

NOW MUMMY.” 


My teenage son said to me the other day, “Mum I 

remember when dad bought me new trainers and 

they did not fit. I was too scared to tell him, so I 

wore them too small.” 

Rose’s nine-year-old daughter ... 

“When we lived with dad, mum was always upset 

and sad. That made us sad. Dad used to throw 

the food at the wall, because nothing was ever 

good enough for him. It was like we never got to 

see mum because dad was always shouting at 

her. Well, apparently, he was talking, but who 

was born yesterday? He used to hang us over the 

banister, we used to scream and shout but he 

wouldn’t stop. Life is better now we don’t live 

with dad. Life is better now because we are 

happier, not sad. No one throws stuff at the 

walls. No one shouts and gets bullied... 

Daisy ... Verbal abuse at bedtime 

He would verbally abuse me when I was putting 

the children to bed. Literally, I would have the 

baby in my arms placing her in her cot, and he 

would start on me. I remember thinking how 

inappropriate it was, but didn’t want to argue 

back or else I would be just as bad as him. All my 

children were fitful sleepers and never slept right 

through. Looking back I can see why, but at the 

time I never made the connection. Bedtime is 

supposed to be relaxed and calm, and yet here 

they are being put to bed whilst their mummy is 

being yelled at. I feel really sad that I let this go 

on for so long. Now I am free, I do wonder how 

much the four-year-old may have heard whist 

she was in bed, supposedly asleep. I worry she 

may have woken and heard him ranting at me. 

Was she frightened? How did she feel? It doesn’t 

bear thinking about. 

“He would come in drunk and hang us over the 

banister.” 

Rose’s 11-year-old son 

Living with my dad was hard. I used to get really 

scared and frightened of him. He used to hit 

mummy and I had to see it all the time. What 

usually happened was that they would argue and 

mum would cry. They would go into the front 

room and dad used to tell us to go upstairs. I used 

to hear banging and dad’s voice saying nasty 

things. Mum would scream. Next, dad would tell 

us to come down and say to us that he was sorry 

and mum was being nasty and doing wrong 

things. Dad would go out and we didn’t know 

where. He would come in drunk and hang us 

over the banister. We would cry and scream 

while mum would be crying. Eventually, we 

would go to bed but at about one o’clock or two 

he would wake me and my older brother up to 

watch 18s with him. We would be really tired the 

next day and nanny would get us up and ready 

for school and take us there. Dad would cheat on 

mum with other girls and never actually come 

home without being drunk. 

The night of his last attack on me I actually ran 

into Abigail’s room at one point for protection. 

Yes, it was ridiculous, but I ran into a two-year 

year olds bedroom for protection. I just thought 

he would leave me alone if I was near her. She 

was asleep, but he still yelled, “Don’t bring her 

into this, get out.” So that was the end of that. 

Once his attack was over (it lasted several hours), 

and I could hear him sleeping in the spare room, 

I was tempted to sleep on the floor of Abigail’s 

room to feel safer, but I didn’t in case he caught 

me. I am very ashamed of this now, that I would 

think a two-year-old could protect me. I should 

have been protecting her. 

Clearly Rose’s three children remember life with 

their father all too clearly. 


Not being able to show love 

This is really hard to explain, but I don’t think I 

was able to show my love for my children 

properly when I lived with my abuser. Now I 

cuddle and tell them how much I love them so 

much more. I think, before, it was because they 

were a chore that had to be done, before I had to 

deal with him. 

Throwing Rachel 

Rachel was just one year old. Robert and I were 

at Abigail’s birthday with my mother and 

stepfather. I left Robert with the two children and 

went to get some things from the car. When I 

returned he shouted at me for leaving him with 

“these two”. At this point he threw Rachel at me, I 

stumbled backwards and my stepdad caught 

Rachel. I was so shocked that he would have an 

outburst like this in public, and then I just felt 

really scared about going home. I hadn’t really 

registered that he had thrown our one-year-old 

across to me. 

There is no doubt that children and young people 

are accepting this distorted view of relationships. 

Zero Tolerance Charitable Trust 1998 

One in five young men and one in ten young 

women think that abuse or violence is 

acceptable. 

Sugar magazine and NSPCC online survey 

(2005) 

Teen Abuse survey of Great Britain 

4% of teenage girls were subjected to regular 

attacks by their partner. 

16% had been hit at least once. 

31% thought that it was ‘acceptable’ for a boy to 

act in an aggressive’ way if his girlfriend has 

cheated on him. 

“This is really hard to explain, but I don’t think I was able to show my 

love for my children properly when I lived with my abuser.” 

I think when you are in this kind of relationship 

you are so blinkered and so convinced that 

everything is normal that you don’t see the harm 

that is going on around you. It wasn’t that I 

didn’t care about Rachel being thrown, I just 

couldn’t think about it because now I was 

focusing on how I could placate him before we all 

got home alone with him... 

Children need to be told the truth. They need the 

truth to make sense of their experience of the 

world. So when my child asks me, ‘Why is daddy 

hitting you?’ I am likely to respond in a variety of 

ways. If daddy is listening, as he so often is, I will 

deny that he did hit me. 

My child has just witnessed this, and now I am 

telling them that they cannot believe their own 

eyes. I may also say something like, ‘daddy was 

only playing’ or ‘daddy is not well’. They may also 

hear daddy saying when he does hit me, ‘I am only 

doing this because I love you’. 

6% girls between 13-19, with an average age of 

15, had been forced to have sex with their 

boyfriend, and 1 in 3 forgave him and stayed 

with him. 

Bliss magazine and Woman’s Aid online survey 

(2008) 

One in four 16-year-old girls know of someone 

else who has been hurt or hit by someone they are 

dating. 

One in six 15-year-old girls and more than one in 

four 16-year-old girls who took part in the survey 

(27%) have been hit or hurt in some way by 

someone they were dating. 

When we finally escape from the Dominator he 

continues to abuse us and our children by 

enlisting the help of statutory agencies. 

Clearly, this is sending children a message that if 

you love someone you hit them. 


Daffodil continues her story: 

...My ex started a campaign against me which 

was designed to get the house and for me to pay 

for it through child benefits etc. It had nothing to 

do with my child. He got a gullible social worker 

on his side. I did not realise the amount of 

emotional abuse he was using, and did not 

understand what was really happening. I fell in 

to his trap. My mother's phase was, “He loads the 

gun and then gets others to pull the trigger”. 

I started to be investigated on false allegations 

which were kept from me, and they used my 

mental health as the reasons. The stress was so 

bad at the house, I started to stay at work until 

my child was in bed asleep, believing that I was 

saving him by keeping him away from what was 

happening. I was not. He was picking it all up. 

He started wetting himself, started taking his 

clothes off so he didn't get them dirty, asking for 

a nappy back on. He asks me, “When am I going 

to live with you?” 

My child minder won't have my son on the day he 

comes from his father because he is exhausted, 

aggressive and whines for the first part of the 

afternoon. I have lost over 20% of my wage, so I 

have to work fulltime. I have arranged it so I see 

my son on two of the three afternoons I have him, 

and work long days the rest of the time. 

After settling back in, my son almost lets out a 

huge breath and starts to relax and breathe and 

become a typical five-year-old. This lasts until he 

has to go back. The maximum we have, excluding 

holidays, is five nights, the shortest is three 

nights... 

““He loads the gun and then gets others to pull the trigger”. 

Just before I left, my parents came over for a 

week’s holiday, which was well timed and good 

that I didn't go over to them as I was told by my 

solicitor and GP that, if I left the area, social 

services would go for an emergency application 

to remove my child as I was under investigation. 

The holiday was without my ex. My son, at the 

start, again in my Mum's words, was like a wild 

angry animal, and all he would eat was one food 

type. By the end of the week, he was getting back 

to his normal, happier self. He was a child they 

would have been happy not to see again because 

of the behaviour. This was his 5th birthday 

week... 

Later, after Daffodil’s ex had assaulted her and 

been let off with a caution, the family courts 

ordered shared residence. 

...So they split him [my son] 60-40 to me and, 

supposedly, 50-50 during holiday times. My son 

has stopped concentrating at school. He asks me 

not to go to daddy’s. He says he loves him but 

doesn't want to spend so much time there. My son 

stopped sleeping through the night, started having 

nightmares, especially if he was going to his 

father’s. 

When the Dominator starts to build up to a violent 

episode, we mothers try to protect our children by 

getting them out of the way. We send them to 

their rooms or out to play in the street. Once they 

are there, they may join all the other children who 

have been sent out to escape from Dominators. 

Our children may join together to form gangs. 

They already have a lot in common, and they can 

start to abuse drugs and alcohol and to break the 

law. 

Young children will also hear the Dominator call 

their mother vile names. Slut and slag are among 

the mildest of them. They will learn not to respect 

her or any women, even if they do not yet know 

what these words mean. Both boys and girls can 

share these beliefs. 

Lily 

...Looking back during our time with our 

Dominator, my son's behaviour (he was 10 when 

we left) was awful. He was physically violent and 

spiteful towards females. He had no respect for 

females and would often name call. 


Since we have been free, his behaviour has 

improved a million per cent. He is now 15 and he 

is a wonderful kid. 

My daughter, who was eight at the time, was 

clingy, nervous, shy and extremely manipulative. 

Now, at 14, she is confident and outgoing and 

naturally comical!! She still has the ability to 

wrap males around her little finger. It was a long 

and painful journey to get my children to adjust 

their behaviour. They fought me all the way 

because they had spent so long behaving 

inappropriately, but we got there in the end. 

My son broke my heart one day last year. He 

said to me, "I saw him beat you when he had you 

on the bedroom floor and I’m sorry". I asked him 

why he was sorry, and he said, "Because I didn’t 

help you". 

Magnolia 

...Peter was sitting next to me in the front seat of 

the car. My precious little boy, who I had sworn 

would never know abuse, didn’t know what had 

hit him when I got together with Michael. He was 

three at the beginning of it all, and here we were 

three years later, sharing a very rare moment 

alone together. I knew I couldn’t say too much, as 

bad mouthing Michael wasn’t allowed, and I had 

to be careful in case Peter, unwittingly, repeated 

anything we spoke about. I put my hand on his 

leg and said, “Things will be better when we’re 

away from Michael”. I felt so guilty that I’d 

exposed my baby to a man who hated him. I 

wasn’t allowed to talk to Peter, except to tell him 

off, which I usually did to ward off any need for 

Michael to punish my son for crimes that Michael 

had made up. I couldn’t cuddle him because I 

would be accused of not loving Michael’s children 

and of having Peter as a favourite. The scapegoat 

stepchild had become a very angry little boy. 

Dominators scapegoat one child and spoil the others. 

They can pretend to love the scapegoat. 

They turn the children against one another. 

When my daughter was 11, she asked if she could 

learn karate. I asked her why, and she said, 

"Because WHEN a man beats me up I can defend 

myself. You should have done karate mummy, 

then you could have been the one to do the 

beating up, and you wouldn’t have got hurt all 

the time". Just because children don’t tell you 

what they see, doesn’t mean they haven’t seen 

it... 

Dominators scapegoat one child and spoil the 

others. They can pretend to love the scapegoat. 

They turn the children against one another. This 

can make it even more difficult when we are trying 

to leave the relationship. 

Michael said Peter had always been like that, 

since he turned two, but I couldn’t help thinking 

that Michael’s endless criticism, relentless 

taunting and horrible physical abuse had shaped 

Peter’s temper. Peter had no bond with his twin 

stepsisters. He showed no interest at all because 

he wasn’t allowed to. Peter looked up at me and 

said he liked Michael. I was horrified that he 

couldn’t see what a nasty snake Michael was. 

He had only ever pretended to like Peter. Peter 

had even accepted that he had to wipe his mouth 

before he kissed his stepdad. Michael’s children 

could kiss him, but he said “Peter was a dribbler” 

to justify abruptly shoving his hand in Peter’s 

face as he leaned in to say ‘Goodnight’. I felt so 

trapped. I knew I had to get us out of there, but I 

could tell that Peter would feel I was depriving 

him of a daddy if I did... 


Sunflower 

...One of my early memories as an eight-year-old 

is being pinned to the wall with my father 

twisting my neck chain with a dangling ‘Star of 

David’ (symbol of Judaism) and choking me as he 

called me ‘a fucking yid bastard’, whilst my 

mother wrestled with him to get him off. He 

would eventually loosen his hold, leaving me 

weak and terrified, to slide down the wall and 

land with a thump. I was terrified, but always 

defiant. I would always threaten to get even, to 

call the police and get him sent to prison. He 

would laugh and look at me with contempt and 

disgust. 

I did call the police. I called them often, in fact, 

but the domestic violence laws in the 1950s 

supported the principle that ‘the man’s home was 

his castle’ and in his castle he ‘could rule as he 

saw fit’. So he always won, and I spent my 

childhood living in a war zone, which I believed 

was ‘normal’. 

He had only left a deposit with the promise of 

further hire purchase payments. He would laugh 

at my torment! 

As I result of all this chaos and trauma, I 

constantly wet the bed and developed asthma, for 

which I was repeatedly hospitalised. I was 

labelled a ‘sick child’. My father repeatedly told 

me it was from the bastard ‘yid’ side of the family 

as such weakness could not stem from his 

healthy, strong roots. Every year, I was sent 

away for a two-week holiday to Cliftonville in 

Margate, Kent. 

This charitable act, from the Jewish Board of 

Guardians, was instigated by our local doctor ‘to 

give my mother a break from her sickly 

daughter’. I was bereft. 

Although I was away from direct fear, I was 

terrified my mother would die, that ‘he’ would kill 

her. 

“ I did call the police. I called them often, in fact, but the domestic violence laws in the 

1950s supported the principle that ‘the man’s home was his castle’ and in his castle he 

‘could rule as he saw fit’. So he always won, and I spent my childhood living in a war 

zone, which I believed was ‘normal’." 

My mother originated from Russian Jews who 

had fled Tallinn in the late 1900s to escape 

persecution. On a happy day in 1938 she had 

been ambling through Hyde Park in London, 

over the road from her home, when a good 

looking man in his Coldstream Guards uniform 

started to talk to her. He was handsome and 

charming. This Liverpool lad, of Irish descent, 

fitted her dream of a man to love. She certainly 

did love him! She loved him through terror, 

abuse, violence, betrayal and repeated 

abandonment. 

My problem was that I wanted my father to love 

me too. I thought he did when he took me to Club 

Row in the East End of London and paid 50p for 

the cutest puppy which I named ’Fluffy’. The poor 

dog spent more time with my father’s hands 

round her throat while he dangled her out of a 

third floor window from our Hackney council 

flat. Her eyes would bulge with terror and I 

would be screaming as he repeatedly threatened 

to drop her from the heights. He would also 

return home after his many ‘trips’ away with 

lavish gifts like a transistor radio, television or a 

record player. Every time he did this I thought, 

‘He must love me’. Within months, the bailiffs 

would be at the door demanding that the goods 

be returned to the store. 

I would constantly cry and tell the people in 

charge to telephone her. They became sick to 

death of me. 

They labelled me as difficult and calmed me 

down with some sort of sedative. No one ever 

listened to my fears! 

I would plan his death in my mind constantly. 

How I would kill him and how, then, we would be 

‘free’. In fact we became ‘free’ when I was around 

15 years old and he finally left with his then 

current woman. He tried to return, but by this 

time I had met my own ‘man of my dreams’ who 

punched my father on his attempt to return to the 

family home and beat my mother. This ‘man of 

my dreams’ was one of two men I married. I 

prided myself that I had not followed my 

mother’s pattern of abusive men, because after 

all I had never been hit! How wrong I was! 

Next issue: Chapter 5 - The Teenager 

Reproduced with kind permission from Pat 

Craven and The Freedom Programme 

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk 


Sing-Along-A-Domestic Abuse? 

a paper by: 

Amanda Warburton-Wynn 

M 

usic 

is regularly cited as encouraging or condoning domestic violence 

and abuse but research so far has focussed on particular types of 

music such as hip-hop. 

This paper will look at how domestic violence and abuse also 

features in a number of mainstream pop music songs. 

The United Nations (2018) defines violence against women as "any act of gender-based violence 

that results in, or is likely to result in, physical, sexual, or mental harm or suffering to women, 

including threats of such acts, coercion or arbitrary deprivation of liberty, whether occurring in public 

or in private life." 

Intimate partner violence refers to behaviour by an intimate partner or ex-partner that causes 

physical, sexual or psychological harm, including physical aggression, sexual coercion, 

psychological abuse and controlling behaviours. 

Sexual violence is "any sexual act, attempt to obtain a sexual act, or other act directed against a 

person’s sexuality using coercion, by any person regardless of their relationship to the victim, in any 

setting. It includes rape, defined as the physically forced or otherwise coerced penetration of the 

vulva or anus with a penis, other body part or object." (World Health Organisation, November 2017). 

Almost one third (30%) of all women who have been in a relationship have experienced physical 

and/or sexual violence by their intimate partner. Globally as many as 38% of all murders of women 

are committed by intimate partners. In addition to intimate partner violence, globally 7% of women 

report having been sexually assaulted by someone other than a partner, although data for nonpartner 

sexual violence are more limited. Intimate partner and sexual violence are mostly 

perpetrated by men against women. (World Health Organisation). The UK Government Violence 

Against Women & Girls Strategy 2016-2020 includes stalking as a VAWG crime (Home Office, 

2016). 

The causes of domestic violence and abuse are complex but most researchers agree that power and 

control plays a significant part. The paper Intimate Partner Violence : Causes and Prevention 

(Rachel Jewkes, 2012) concludes that two factors seem to be necessary in an epidemiological 

sense (for intimate partner violence to occur): the unequal position of women in a particular 

relationship (and in society) and the normative use of violence in conflict. 

A 2003 study published by the American Psychological Association (APA,contradicts popular notions 

of positive catharsis or venting effects of listening to angry, violent music on violent thoughts and 

feeling and concluded that songs with violent lyrics increase aggression related thoughts and 

emotions and this effect is directly related to the violence in the lyrics (Exposure to Violent Media: 

The Effects of Songs With Violent Lyrics on Aggressive Thoughts and Feelings," Craig A. Anderson 

and Nicholas L. Carnagey, 2003). 

When reporting on domestic abuse or domestic violence, the media is often accused of trivialising or 

normalising the acts of perpetrators by using headlines such as ‘Devoted husband killed wife’ (The 

Mirror, 2017), and also of victim blaming (‘Woman drank six Jagerbombs in 10 minutes on the night 

she was raped and murdered’, The Sun, 2016). But music is one element of the media that routinely 

normalises violence, and some songs gain our unwitting collusion along with commercial success. 


Some genres of popular music are usually linked 

with general violence and violence against women 

(rap and hip-hop, Drill) or with tales of volatile 

relationships (country) and these will be examined 

alongside previous research below. Mainstream 

‘pop’ music is not usually a platform for songs 

around domestic abuse and songs deliberately 

tackling the issue generally do not receive 

commercial success, this will also be investigated 

further below. However, there are several 

commercially successful pop-music songs that 

reference domestic abuse, violence against 

women or domestic homicide in their lyrics that 

have not, until now, been scrutinised. When 

thinking about violence in music, the main genre 

that comes to mind is rap and hip-hop (GANGSTA 

MISOGYNY: A CONTENT ANALYSIS OF THE 

PORTRAYALS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST 

WOMEN IN RAP MUSIC, Armstrong, 2001) Lyrics 

describe acts of physical violence, including use 

of weapons such as knives and guns and gangrelated 

revenge, as an everyday part of life (Bang 

Out, Snoop Dogg 2004). 

looking at the effect of song portrayals of intimate 

partner violence which concluded that the context 

in which domestic violence and abuse is displayed 

should be considered by the media. 

Sexual violence against women is also a recurring 

topic for rap (including gangsta-rap) music with a 

number of artists using lyrics that appear to 

advocate rape as a way to control or punish 

women. In the aforementioned Armstrong (1993) 

research, the lyrics of 490 songs by thirteen artists 

were studied and the paper concluded that 22% of 

the songs contained lyrics advocating violence and 

misogyny, whilst 11% included lyrics about rape. 

The number of research articles about violence in 

rap and hip-hop music suggest this genre is well 

known for lyrics describing, and in some cases 

appearing to support, violence against women. 

The paper The Influence of Rap/Hip-Hop Music: 

A Mixed-Method Analysis on Audience 

Perceptions of Misogynistic Lyrics and the Issue 

of Domestic Violence (Cundiff, 2017) 

There are several commercially successful pop-music songs that reference 

domestic abuse, violence against women or domestic homicide in their lyrics 

that have not, until now, been scrutinised. 

Drill music, originating in Chicago in 2010, is a 

more recent variation on hip-hop that has caused 

concern both in the US and the United Kingdom 

where incidents of UK Drill musicians using their 

lyrics to incite violence against other Drill music 

gangs (so-called diss tracks) caused police to 

successfully pursue a court order banning one 

group from making music without police 

permission. (The Guardian, 2018) after Drill music 

and gang tensions were linked to the deaths of 

three young MCs in London in 2017/18 (FACT 

Magazine, 2017). 

Violence against women also features in a 

number of rap and hip-hop tracks. The 2010 

release ‘Love the way you lie’ by Eminem and 

featuring Rihanna has been scrutinised by more 

than one expert in the field of violence against 

women. Thaller and Messing (2014) 

(Mis)Perceptions Around Intimate Partner 

Violence in the Music Video and Lyrics for “Love 

the Way You Lie”, cite the song and its 

accompanying video as an example of music 

perpetuating a number of myths around domestic 

violence. The song was also used in an 

experiment by Franuick, et al., (2017) ‘The 

Influence of Non-Misogynous and Mixed 

Portrayals of Intimate Partner Violence in Music 

on Beliefs About Intimate Partner Violence’ 

concludes that its survey results indicated a 

positive correlation between misogynous thinking 

and rap/hip-hop consumption. 

Intimate partner/domestic violence/abuse also 

features regularly in another musical genre, 

specifically country music. Country music was 

first recognised by the industry in America in the 

early 1940’s. Lyrics usually describe tales of woe 

(often with the death of a parent/lover/dog) along 

with accounts of bad luck in financial and 

romantic affairs. 

Sheila Simon (2003) links the popularity of 

country music to listeners being able to relate to 

the circumstances the singer appears to be 

experiencing. Domestic homicide in country 

music has featured more than once - Johnny 

Cash’s Delia’s Gone for example – with the lyrics 

describing a male perpetrator murdering his 

female lover, and these songs are usually tinged 

with regret and a certain amount of blame placed 

on the victim. An increase in female performers 

such as the Dixie Chicks in the 1990’s brought 

feminism more to the fore in song lyrics with 

lyrics celebrating strong women standing up for 

their rights (Lorrie Morgan, What Part of No, 

1992). 


The Dixie Chick’s song Goodbye Earl describes a 

man who persistently subjects his wife to violence 

but his wife is able to flee and implement legal 

measures against him. However, when he 

breaches the legal restraints she murders him by 

poison with the help of a friend. That Earl had to 

die, goodbye Earl Those black-eyed peas, they 

tasted alright to me, Earl You're feelin' weak? Why 

don't you lay down and sleep, Earl Ain't it dark 

wrapped up in that tarp, Earl This move towards 

female revenge songs may have more in common 

with the aforementioned rap and hip-hop music 

than the song writers perceive. Country music has 

seen a resurgence in popularity in more recent 

times (for example, Taylor Swift) and this has 

brought with it a new wave of performers talking 

about perhaps more modern issues. The transition 

of artists from country to pop, such as Taylor 

Swift, has continued the theme of feminism and 

strong women but with perhaps more awareness 

of ways to assert confidence without resorting to 

violence. 

A hidden track – ‘The blue flashing light’ which 

describes a man who verbally and physically 

abuses his family, was never released as a single 

and the fact that it is hidden (ie not listed on the 

track listing) indicates that Travis were not keen 

for the song to be known widely. Call me a name 

and I'll hit you again You're a slut, you're a bitch, 

you're a whore More recently, Hozier, an Irish 

singer songwriter who had huge success with the 

song ‘Take me to Church’ in 2016, later released 

the song ‘Cherry Wine’ (2016) which was 

specifically about domestic abuse and the sales 

from iTunes downloads of the track went to 

domestic violence charities (www.hozier.com/ 

Cherrywine). Despite the video featuring well 

known actress Saiorse Ronan as a victim of 

domestic abuse, the song was denied the 

commercial success of Take me to Church and was 

mainly reported on by Irish media only (The Irish 

Times, 2016). 

The 1962 album by The Crystals includes the track 

‘He hit me (and it felt like a kiss) 

Whilst most of the songs cited so far have less 

than obvious connotations of violence against 

women, some song writers bravely tackle the 

issues of abuse head on – an article from AV 

Music in 2011 lists several such examples but 

many of these tunes are album tracks or, if 

released as singles, were denied mainstream 

success. The 1962 album by The Crystals includes 

the track ‘He hit me (and it felt like a kiss)’ which 

writers Carole King and Gerry Goffin based on the 

experiences of their babysitter Little Eva (who had 

success with The Locomotion in 1962). However, 

the obvious subject matter meant radio stations 

were unwilling to play the track and it was denied 

any mainstream success (Songfacts). 

He couldn't stand to hear me say That I'd been 

with someone new, And when I told him I had 

been untrue He hit me And it felt like a kiss 

Scottish band Travis had several top 40 songs in 

the late 1990s and the best- selling album ‘The 

man who’ sold over 3.5 million copies. 

Thus, it seems that over 50 years on from the 

Crystals’ release, music fans and the media are 

still reluctant to hear lyrics that deliberately 

reference domestic violence even when the singer 

has had previous triumph in the charts. Missing 

from the compilations of domestic violence 

related songs on the internet are more than a few 

tracks that did achieve significant commercial 

success, despite the lyrics obviously referring to 

domestic abuse or domestic homicide. The song 

writers in the examples presented here have done 

nothing to hide the graphic and violent lyrics yet 

the public and the media seem oblivious to the 

stories that are being played out. The most 

obvious example is Tom Jones’ Delilah - many of 

us will have sung along loudly as he 

laments Delilah’s fate of being stabbed to death 

on her doorstep in revenge for having a 

relationship with another man, then begs her to 

forgive him. Whilst the song was originally 

recorded by PJ Proby, he refused to release it and 

Tom’s version reached number 2 in the British 

charts in 1968, even receiving an Ivor Novello 

award for best song musically and lyrically. Today, 

Delilah features on many karaoke lists and is the 

unofficial song of Welsh Rugby fans. 


In such circumstances, a perpetrator may well feel 

wronged and claim the trigger was emotional 

infidelity. https://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/ 

2009/25/part/2/chapter/1/crossheading/partialdefence-to-murder-loss-of-control 

Moving to the 

1990’s, the lyrics of Animal Nitrate by indie 

rockers Suede; describe a relationship with 

physical and possibly sexual violence. The band 

claimed the song, which reached number 7 in the 

UK Singles Chart, was about the drug amyl nitrate 

but Anderson/Butler’s writing includes the lyrics 

‘So in your broken home he broke all your bones, 

Now you're taking it time after time’ a clear 

reference to domestic violence. The track also 

plays up to the myth of domestic abuse only 

happening to a certain class of people with the 

victim living in a council house (Refuge). There is 

also reference to the impact of abuse on children 

by implying at the beginning that the perpetrator’s 

father was also abusive. 

Singers Rihanna, Jennifer Lopez and Beyonce 

have all taken court actions against stalkers and, 

the UK, singers Nicola Roberts and Lily Allen have 

spoken out about their ordeals of being targeted 

by stalkers (The Sun, 2017) and (The Guardian, 

2016). 

Whilst there were no UK stalking laws in place 

when these songs were released, two very popular 

songs seem to advocate the practice. Sting sings 

softly about Every move you make Every bond you 

break Every step you take I'll be watching you in 

‘Every Step you Take’, the 1983 hit he penned, but 

this appears to be stalking. The lyrics go on to 

refer to the perpetrator watching his victim day 

and night because she ‘belongs’ to him. As with 

Delilah, the song received an Ivor Norvello award 

and also two Grammys. 

Similarly, Debbie Harry sings how she’s gonna get 

ya, get ya, get ya in the Blondie hit One Way or 

Another, from the 1978 Parallel Lines album. 

“Debbie Harry wrote the song (with Nigel Harrison) based on an exboyfriend 

who stalked her following the end of a relationship.” 

Also in the 1990’s, pop princess Kylie Minogue 

teamed up with Nick Cave for the UK top twenty 

hit ‘Where the Wild Roses Grow’. The track was 

taken from an album called Murder Ballads which 

includes a number of songs describing domestic 

homicide. Kylie has been a hugely successful 

popstar and her fan base at the time of the release 

of the collaboration with Cave was mainly teenage 

girls. This makes the way the song lyrics 

romanticise the murder of Eliza Day (battered to 

death with a rock by her lover) more sinister as it 

seems to subscribe to the ‘I only did it because I 

love you so much’ myth/excuse of perpetrators. 

This song also won three awards, at the 1996 

Australian Recording Industry Association music 

awards. 

Stalking is a part of the Government’s Violence 

Against Women and Girls (VAWG) Strategy with 

updated laws in 2012 creating two new offences 

under The Protection of Freedoms Act 2012 by 

inserting new sections. Today, stalking is rarely 

out of the media headlines with a stream of 

celebrities experiencing terrifying encounters at 

the hands of stalkers (New York News, 2017). 

The track being sung by a woman takes on a 

lighter tone - it is almost comical when she 

promises to follow her victim around town and 

find out who he calls, who wouldn’t want to have 

the iconic Debbie Harry follow them around? 

But Debbie Harry wrote the song (with Nigel 

Harrison) based on an ex-boyfriend who stalked 

her following the end of a relationship, not so 

funny and more sinister still that it was covered by 

children’s cartoon characters Alvin and the 

Chipmunks in 1983 for the episode "The 

Incredible Shrinking Dave" (Wikipedia). Song 

writing is often very personal so some of these 

examples may arise from the writer’s own 

experiences, knowledge or feelings about 

relationships. But song writing is also a 

commercial business and, in order to be 

commercially successful, needs to tell a story that 

people can relate to. 

It appears that the songs about domestic abuse 

that become popular are either not recognised for 

their subject matter by the public and media (and 

award givers) or perhaps the melody is so catchy 

that no-one notices what it’s really about? 


Alternatively, it may be that the way these tracks 

put across the perpetrator as having good reason 

for their actions, usually revenge, makes it sound 

acceptable for them to have behaved in this way? 

If the latter is taken as being accurate, this would 

link back to the way the media usually defend 

domestic abuse perpetrators or murderers as 

being ‘tortured’ or ‘driven mad’ by the behaviour 

of their victim. So, I conclude that, whilst many of 

us speak out against victim blaming, by listening 

to, downloading and singing along to tracks like 

the ones cited above, we are actually colluding 

with the perpetrators of domestic abuse and 

agreeing that victims are to blame for their own 

fate. This could then be the reason why most 

domestic abuse and sexual violence services focus 

on empowering victims and survivors to keep 

themselves safe rather than seeking perpetrator 

interventions and punishments. Maybe we should 

be asking the perpetrator ‘Why, Why, Why?’ 

rather than the victim? 

References 

http://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/violenceagainst-women 

Jewkes, Rachel (2012), Intimate Partner Violence : 

Causes and Prevention 

Armstrong, Edward G (2001) Gangsta Misogyny: A content analysis 

of the portrayals of violence against women in rap music, 

1987-1993, 

Anderson, Craig & Carnagey, Nicholas L (2003) Exposure to Violent 

Media: The Effects of Songs With Violent Lyrics on Aggressive 

Thoughts and Feelings," 

The Guardian 2018, accessed on 30th September 2018 

FACT Magazine 2017. Accessed on 30th September 2018 

Jonel Thaller & Jill Theresa Messing (2014) (Mis)Perceptions 

Around Intimate Partner Violence in the Music Video and Lyrics for 

“Love the Way You Lie”, Feminist Media Studies, 14:4, 623-639, 

DOI: 10.1080/14680777.2013.826267 

Franiuk et al., (2017) ‘The Influence of Non-Misogynous and Mixed 

Portrayals of Intimate Partner Violence in Music on Beliefs About 

Intimate Partner Violence’ 

The Influence of Non-Misogynous and Mixed Portrayals of Intimate 

Partner Violence in Music on Beliefs About Intimate Partner 

Violence , 2016. 

“whilst many of us speak out against victim blaming, by listening to, downloading and 

singing along to tracks like the ones cited above, we are actually colluding with the 

perpetrators of domestic abuse and agreeing that victims are to blame for their own 

fate.” 

Sheila Simon, Greatest Hits: Domestic Violence in AmericanCountry 

Music, 82 Or. L. Rev. 1107 (2003) The Mirror, 2017 

Songfacts https://music.avclub.com/the-hits-keepcoming-30-songs-inspired-by-domestic-vio-1798226415 

https://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/2009/25/part/2/chapter/1/ 

crossheading/partial-defence-to-murder-loss-of-control 

Hozier.com 

The Irish Times 2016, accessed on 30th September 2018 

Wikipedia, accessed on 30th September 2018 

Acknowledgements 

I would like to express my gratitude to Simon Kerss for his support 

and encouragement 

Songs referenced: 

Eminem Featuring Rihanna, 2010. Love the Way You Lie 

Johnny Cash, 1962. Delia’s Gone 

Dixie Chicks, 1999. Goodbye Earl 

The Crystals, 1963. In: He’s a Rebel. He Hit Me (and it Felt like a 

Kiss) 

Travis, 1999. In: The Man Who. The Blue Flashing Light 

Hozier, 2016. Cherry Wine 

Tom Jones, 1968. Delilah 

Jimi Hendrix, 1966. Hey Joe 

Suede, 1993. Animal Nitrate 

Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds, 1995. Where the Wild Roses Grow 

The Police, 1983. Every Breath you Take 

Blondie, 1978. One Way or Another

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