Humor

5 Unsung Superheroes Who Rose Up During Natural
Disasters
By: E. Reid Ross; E.M. Caris; Marvin Bea; Vanessa Moses
4. A Former Japanese Politician Is A One-Man Disaster Relief Team
Because Mother Nature and her son Godzilla clearly don’t think Japan should have any buildings, the country is constantly beset by earthquakes. One of
the worst instances occurred in 1995, when the city of Kobe was turned into a pile of debris ... which then caught on fire. Seeing the devastation, Tokyo city
councilman Seiji Yoshimura, a rising star in the Japanese government, was inspired to toss tradition in the trash and actually help some people for a change.
Yoshimura loaded up his truck with two enormous cauldrons, drove straight to Kobe, and started cooking meals for victims. And when he wasn’t filling empty
stomachs, he spent his time assisting with search and rescue efforts. And when that was done, he picked up a hammer and started rebuilding homes.
When disaster strikes, we turn to our first responders: firefighters, aid workers, those hard-to-understand legends in the Cajun Navy. Heroes come in many
forms. But there are plenty of other do-gooders who emerge in less-expected ways, performing feats that deserve just as many free beers and back-pats as
rescuing a stranded kitten from a tree. For example ...
5. Zookeepers Stay Behind In Disaster Zones To Keep The Animals Alive
Good zookeepers don’t load up the minivan and buzz off to safer climes when calamity strikes. They use their training and no small amount of improvised
ingenuity to help their animal friends weather the storm. That can mean cramming a flock of flamingos into a public restroom, sleeping on a cot right alongside
an animal, or letting predators crash on their own couches.
A talented politician who drives into disaster areas and doesn’t leave until the job is done? How is Yoshimura not already president for life of the entire Universe?
Well, after Kobe, he decided to quit politics and instead dedicate his life to disaster relief.
Not that he’s wanting for jobs or skills to put on his resume. When rescuers needed help clearing debris to reach survivors, he learned logging techniques so
that he could operate the heavy machinery. And when a local firefighting service was overwhelmed, he became a volunteer firefighter to help coordinate civilian
efforts with local authorities. It seems that the only thing Yoshimura can’t do is to stop being awesome.
3. A Louisiana Law Firm Stuck Around To Help Katrina Victims With Paperwork
Zookeepers aren’t only looking out for the animals; they’re looking out for us too. Just look at what happened during the 2015 floods in Tbilisi, Georgia, which
caused hundreds of zoo animals to break free from their cages. One white tiger fucking ate somebody. The end result was further catastrophe. Police had to gun
down dozens of exotic species in the aftermath. More experienced zookeepers from Prague were shipped in to dig all the dead animals out of the mud.
As soon as their penny loafers dried out after Hurricane Katrina, Southeast Louisiana Legal Services looked at the shallow pond that was once New Orleans and
thought, “Huh. Maybe we should help.” So they headed to Goodwill to pick up some suitable court galoshes and started providing legal aid to survivors, ranging
from helping them navigate the labyrinthine can of worms that is the Federal Emergency Management Agency to replacing essential documents (paper has a
habit of performing poorly while underwater).

Katrina survivors also needed help protecting themselves from unscrupulous landlords trying to evict them, and unscrupulous contractors trying to scam them
out of what money they had left. Luckily, the SLLS already had a long history of helping people on the lower rungs of society. Bringing in every lawyer they could
find (and even law students from out of state), they got to work providing assistance to anyone in need, for as long as needed -- which is now blooming into a
recognized cornerstone of effective disaster relief.
Once there, Andres and his League of Extraordinary Chefs performed a Herculean task: serving 97,000 meals every day. His mobile kitchens proudly claim to
have served over 3.6 million happy (well ... alive) customers.
Seeing the SLLS’s efforts, the U.S. government had no choice but to recognize its own failings. So to prevent this kind of bureaucratic nightmare from ever affecting
its poor citizens again (and after holding long hearings, interviewing experts in disaster relief, then debating the best possible way to meet any future challenges),
America’s duly elected representatives finally decided to ... enact zero changes and keep on doing the same sloppy work. Hey, guess this finally answers
the question of whether lawyers or politicians deserve more hate.
2. Volunteer Architects Stay Put To Rebuild Devastated Communities
While plenty of architects spend their lives designing lavish skyscrapers and starring in bad rom-coms, some focus on undoing the lasting damage caused by natural
disasters. Thousands of people can be left homeless after a major calamity, and that’s why Eric Cesal founded Architects for Humanity, to help people rebuild
in the long term. Cesal describes them as “last responders,” which is a much cooler title than “building builders,” as we’ve been calling them.
After Maria, Andres continued literally feeding the world by rushing over to provide comfort food to the victims of Hurricane Florence. There, he served tens of
thousands of meals while the storm was raging the hardest, and even braved dangerous floodwaters to get the food where it was most needed. You just know at
least one person tried to send it back for being “too salty” or something.
When AFH come in, they’re in it for the long run. Because it’s not just about repairing a few doors; it’s about healing and protecting entire communities, which
can take years. And since most disasters are in ... disaster-prone areas (go figure?), AFH takes further measures to educate populations on mitigating future disasters,
all while suppressing their architectural instinct to shout, “Stop living on a goddamn fault line!”
1. Celebrity Chef Jose Andres Feed Entire Cities After Disasters
Culinary geeks may know Jose Andres as the guy responsible for the small plates phenomenon, but disaster victims know him as the man with the big plates
-- the only plates around, actually. In 2011, he established a nonprofit association of chefs called World Central Kitchen. In 2017, when Puerto Rico was hit by
Hurricane Maria and the government figured it had better things to do than help, Andres set up a private charity, mobilizing a team that could provide fresh food
to the victims, which was “more than what the government could offer.”

5 Beloved Children’s Characters Out Of Your Worst
Nightmares
By: Markos Hasiotis; Marvin Bea; Casper Orens
Meanwhile, a soul singer illustrates the color red by performing what can only
be some kind of Satanic summoning ritual. Look at those eyes. The Dark Lord
has clearly taken over.
For some reason, Peppermint Park was swiftly canceled, and its videos soon fell
out of print. But it did enjoy a brief resurgence once YouTube got their hands
on it. Here’s what that particular nightmare looked like.
Whether it’s due to a misunderstanding, some bad advice, or deliberate
vengeance against children in general, many characters from kids’ shows
are objectively horrifying. We’ve covered the problem before, but we only
scratched the surface. Here are a few more disturbing creatures from kids’ TV
shows that would be better suited to one of the seven circles of Hell.
5. Peppermint Park
Peppermint Park was a direct-to-VHS, direct-from-Hell puppet show released
in the late ‘80s by Televidics Productions. It was like Sesame Street, if Sesame
Street was filmed in your creepy uncle’s basement and starred hallucinations
that have turned on you. You can’t say it wasn’t effective; after learning about
traffic safety from a pig-faced man in the throes of an existential crisis, kids will
be far too terrified to go anywhere near a street.
The humans aren’t any less horrifying. Viewers learned more about the physical
and emotional properties of the color blue from this miserable old man with a
shrunken head than they ever did from Elmo.
They’re all overseen by Ernie, an escapee from Tim Burton’s Planet Of The
Apes poorly disguised as a man. He has a fondness for the letter M. Like, a
deep fondness. We’d swear it was propaganda if we could figure out what for.
4. Aasi, Morso Ja Mouru
Before Eddie Murphy’s Donkey and Antonio Banderas’ Puss and Boots, there
was another donkey and cat team that captured kids’ attention. They were part
of a Finnish TV puppet show that ran from 1999 to 2001 called Aasi, Morso
Ja Mouru. It was based on a children’s book series by Tuula Kallionimi about a
timid donkey who overcomes his fears with the help of his friends, a cat and a
mouse.

When it came time to build the puppets for the show, however, the designers
had something a little ... different in mind for Morso, the mouse. Specifically,
the eyes of a man sewn into the head of a monkey sewn onto the body of a
baby begging for death.
Children found it hard to focus on the lessons of acceptance and bravery with
that Moreauian horror screeching inside their brains, so the series was soon
canceled. Even the donkey seems terrified by his friend.
3. Mr. Blobby
Hey kids, don’t scream! You’re about to meet Mr. Blobby.
A 1994 article in The New York Times described the show as “proof of Britain’s
deep-seated attraction to trash,” and referred to the titular blob as “Barney
without his medication.” We don’t know what deep secrets that writer knew,
but maybe we shouldn’t let Barney work with children either?
One thing that distinguishes Mr. Blobby from his fellow horrors is his impressively
long career. He’s kept going strong all these years, making guest appearances
on various programs and even heading up his own theme park for a
time. His most recent appearance was in 2017. Though he’s popped up less and
less frequently over the years, don’t drop your guard. He could strike again at
any moment.
The show revolves around Plasmo, Parsty, and their pet Niknik, who are journeying
through space, trying to find their way home. Instead of home, they
find a series of strange but often quite sweet adventures, and even befriend a
guy who has a vagina for a face. Meet Coredor.
2. Plasmo
Tell us that you could stare down this pliers-wielding maniac, apparently
threatening to rob you of both your money and your belief in a benevolent
Universe ...
Mr. Blobby was hatched/born/summoned by dark spirits in 1992, when he
debuted on the show Noel Edmond’s House Party. He then took on a disturbing,
polka-dotted life of his own, making numerous appearances in other TV
shows for over a decade. He even released a single in 1993 that became a #1
Christmas hit. See for yourself. Warning: It involves Mr. Blobby receiving pseudo-erotic
sponge baths and holding a mutant baby version of himself.
Plasmo was a claymation series that started as a short film conceived/written/
directed/solely animated by a talented (and probably quite tired) chap named
Anthony Lawrence. The film was picked up for a series by ABC (Australia’s
version of PBS), and despite only consisting of 13 episodes, it was a hit and
enjoyed constant reruns throughout the 1990s and 2000s. It’d be a safe bet that
every Aussie currently in their 20s or 30s has a memory of this show stuffed in
the “Oh, yeah ...” corner of their brain.

Yes, a generation of Australians spent their youths enjoying the antics of a
walking, talking genital. To be fair to the show’s creator, it’s supposed to be a
gill, since Coredor is an aquatic creature. But if children couldn’t identify exactly
what was so off-putting about his flappy mug, they certainly did by the time
they reached Facebook and BuzzFeed age. While people continue to bemoan
how sugary and PC children’s shows supposedly are these days, ask yourself
this: Are fewer vagina-faced aliens on TV such a bad thing?
There seems to be no middle ground on this show. It’s either no eyes or entirely
too much eye.
There were non-mutant humans on the show, but only insofar as you would
consider the characters of Doug if they came to life “human.”
Lift Off, despite its title, sputtered and hit the ground of whatever planet it
came from all but immediately. It only lasted for three seasons, but it lives on in
our hearts, minds, and the deepest recesses of our subconscious.
1. Lift-Off
Lift Off was another Australian educational TV show. In some ways, it was
ahead of its time, showing how kids act in certain situations, how they think,
imagine, learn, and understand. On the other hand, it had a faceless baby.
That’s Beverly, a one-eyed magic potted plant. It sees the world of nature (and
probably your deepest fears, which likely include this lurking lizard character
that watches you shower).
They’re an industrious group. They have a band and a diner, where they presumably
serve misfortune and that shameful secret you never told anyone.
That’s EC, a living doll that’s supposed to represent “every child,” but actually
only makes them shit their tiny pants. According to one of the show’s actors,
its lack of facial features was intended to allow kids to interpret it any way they
want. Well, “At least it can’t eat me” does technically count as an interpretation.