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<strong>CCChat</strong> <strong>Magazine</strong><br />
FREE<br />
The <strong>Magazine</strong> on and around Coercive Control<br />
May/June 2019<br />
Continuing our Serialisation of Pat Craven's:<br />
Freedom's Flowers<br />
WHY DO PEOPLE HATE FAMILY COURT?<br />
coping strategies,better evidencing<br />
a private bolthole for therapists<br />
cults & crystals
Contents<br />
Editor's Notes<br />
6 The fine line between crystal clear and<br />
as clear as mud.<br />
Freedom’s Flowers<br />
8 Continuing our serialisation of Freedom’s<br />
Flowers by Freedom Programme founder,<br />
Pat Craven<br />
Sistah Space<br />
12 Ngozi Fulani talks about why she started<br />
Sistah Space<br />
Dominic’s Story<br />
16 Dominic tells his story of domestic abuse.<br />
Anita Gera<br />
20 Anita shares with us the coping strategies<br />
that have helped her.<br />
Domestic Abuse and Class<br />
22 Neither education nor social standing will<br />
insulate you from domestic abuse. A new<br />
information portal aims to shine a light.<br />
Emma Sutcliffe<br />
26 Why do people hate family court?<br />
Making The Invisible Visible
Contents<br />
Interview with the Editor<br />
29 The Editor is in the hot seat.<br />
Liz Gibbons<br />
32 Talking about an app that aims to help<br />
gather evidence<br />
Melissa's Story<br />
36 "He saw himself as a small town cult<br />
leader, doing women a favour"<br />
Uncover<br />
43 A podcast: Escaping NXIVM<br />
Cath Kane<br />
44 Caring for Carers: Building Resilience<br />
Jennifer 42<br />
22 An animated documentary<br />
Inside Cover:<br />
A self-care retreat for therapists and<br />
practitioners.<br />
Making The Invisible Visible
Editor's Notes<br />
About The Editor<br />
Min Grob started Conference on<br />
Coercive Control in June 2015,<br />
following the end of a relationship<br />
that was both coercive and<br />
controlling.<br />
Since then, there have been 6<br />
national conferences.Conference<br />
on Coercive Control returns to<br />
Bury St Edmunds in July 2019<br />
with an event for professionals<br />
who work or live in Suffolk.<br />
Min’s interest lies in recognising<br />
coercive control in its initial<br />
stages, identifying<br />
the ‘red flags’ of abusive<br />
behaviour before someone<br />
becomes more invested in the<br />
relationship, as that is when it will<br />
be much more difficult to leave.<br />
Min has talked on identifying<br />
covert abuse and, with the use of<br />
examples from social media, she<br />
identifies a number of covert<br />
tactics that are commonly used to<br />
manipulate. These tactics are<br />
invisible in plain sight as the<br />
abuser will deliberately keep their<br />
abuse below the radar so as<br />
to remain undetected.<br />
Min is also a public speaker and<br />
speaks on both her personal<br />
experience of coercive control as<br />
well as more generally of abuse<br />
that is hidden in plain sight.<br />
In September 2018, Min launched<br />
Empower - a hub for supporting<br />
and education on and around<br />
coercive control. Find it on:<br />
www.empowersuffolk.co.uk<br />
Let's Grow The Conversation!<br />
To contact Min:<br />
contact@coercivecontrol.co.uk<br />
Photo by Alex Kilbee<br />
www.museportraits.co.uk<br />
The Fine Line Between Crystal clear<br />
and as clear as mud<br />
It’s been a while since the last issue of <strong>CCChat</strong>. At the moment there aren't enough hours<br />
in the day as preparation is underway for next year's events. It is exciting, but there is a lot<br />
of work - a lot of reading material to get through but, once it's done, it will be really worth it.<br />
It's also been necessary to focus more on self-care.<br />
Organising conferences and editing this magazine is only a small part of what I do,the bulk<br />
is offering a listening ear to anyone who has been in a coercive and controlling<br />
relationship. For many who contact me, it is the first opportunity someone has to talk to<br />
another person who has been in a similar situation and it is often a defining moment to<br />
realise that you're not alone. Unfortunately, there is only one of me and I have been<br />
working longer and longer hours so it was necessary to step back and focus on what I<br />
have been neglecting. Get in touch, if you have any ideas as the more we all collaborate,<br />
the less gaps there are for those who really need it, to fall through.<br />
Currently in the news is the trial of NXIVM and its leader Keith Raniere. I have been<br />
following up on this trial of the alleged sex cult leader who has been charged with various<br />
offences including sex trafficking. What I have found interesting is how Raniere was able<br />
to coerce intelligent, often wealthy and astute women to become not only part of his<br />
personal development group but, for some of the women, to be enslaved within an inner<br />
cult and branded. The level of brainwashing and gaslighting is something that many who<br />
have been in a coercive and controlling relationship will no doubt recognise.<br />
On a much smaller scale there are also many similarities to unethical healers and<br />
therapists who purposefully target individuals with the aim of exploiting them.It's a big<br />
concern as it's not always easy to identify the ethical from the unscrupulous as, often, the<br />
first thing they will do is ensure they have a coterie of loyal followers who will give the<br />
impression of respectability. Going back to the NXIVM case, Raniere would not have had<br />
the level of influence had he not had his inner circle of women to validate him and to<br />
recruit new members and this is not unlike grooming.<br />
I will be spending more time looking at how cult techniques can be used by the<br />
disreputable but, in the meantime read Melissa's (not her real name) story on page 36.<br />
See you soon, Min x<br />
Making The Invisible Visible
Freedom’s Flowers<br />
By Pat Craven<br />
Chapter 6- Poppy<br />
H<br />
i<br />
Pat ...I signed up to the Freedom Programme forum a while back, but have never<br />
had the confidence to post anything. This is partly because writing things down<br />
makes the situations more real rather than some hazy nightmare. You can probably<br />
guess from that that I am in an abusive relationship at present.I have only ever had<br />
four relationships and three were, or are, very abusive. I don’t understand why I get<br />
it so wrong all of the time.<br />
I just believe people when they say they’re going to love and look after me. I believe that’s what they’re going to do and not<br />
try to destroy me as a human being in every way they can. I am trying to get my head around ending this one now. I have<br />
found, with the other two, that circumstances gave me the opportunities to sort things. I’m not relying on that now, but I need<br />
to be 100% confident (or as best as I can be) to sort this, as I have to be strong for my children to manage their pain.<br />
I have two very complex disabled children who both need round the clock 24 hour care. I have no family, as they disowned<br />
me when they found out I had disabled children. I was branded ‘a failure’. My family had always been disjointed. My mother<br />
walked out when I was <strong>13</strong>. My father didn’t want my brother and me. My mother didn’t want the stigma of having a child in<br />
care, so I lived with my mother and stepfather until I was 16. It was horrific. When I was 16, they left me alone in London<br />
where I got myself a job and a bedsit and was self-sufficient from then on. A lot of bad things happened throughout my<br />
childhood, but I was always determined to make a life for myself and not allow the bad things to rule my future.<br />
Bringing things up-to-date, my ex-husband, who is the father of my children, was abusive to me and the children. Both of my<br />
children have autism, as well as other complex mental disabilities and physical disabilities. For example, my son 46 cannot<br />
walk properly. My son could not talk until he was about 3 1⁄2 and, when he did, my ex-husband couldn’t cope, so he would<br />
try and hold his hand over my son’s mouth. One day, my son bit his daddy for holding his wrist so hard, so my ex bit him<br />
back. It got so bad I could not allow my ex to be alone with the children and our GP confirmed this when we went to see<br />
him. I would have to take them to the toilet with me to wait outside so I knew they were safe.<br />
At that time, I was fighting through the courts for my children to have a right to an education. I did this alone. My children<br />
were both backwards and forwards to hospital constantly. I also had become very seriously ill myself, to the point where I<br />
had to be tube fed and went down to six stone. My ex abused me verbally and I constantly encouraged him to keep away<br />
from the house, which he did do. An example of what we used to go through was how my ex could not cope with talking in<br />
the car at all. My children, being disabled, do not understand that, so they would get it ‘wrong’ and break the rules.<br />
One day we had to go and visit a new potential special school for my children. My ex got lost and his temper erupted. He<br />
screamed in the car and drove like a mad man through the city streets. He was shouting how he was going to kill us. The<br />
children were terrified and so was I. The car screeched to a halt in four lanes of traffic. I was sat in the back with my son<br />
supporting him. I banged open my son’s, my daughter’s and my own seat belts. I shouted for my daughter to get out of the<br />
car and lifted my son out. Car seats were strewn across the road. We wove our way through the traffic to the pavement<br />
where strangers met a crying little family. Unbelievably, we were opposite the police station and they ran out to help. My ex<br />
crashed the car further up the road. Back then, the police did not offer us advice on refuges or support. We were expected<br />
to go home with my ex. Having no family and no money, we had no choice.<br />
Slowly, I began to realise things had to change, and I sought information and saved pennies until, one day, I told him to go,<br />
and he did. I should mention that my son, who was seven at the time, was very violent himself. He would pull my hair out, he<br />
split my lip open and I had to have four stitches. The scars are still there today. He scratched and punched. The day my ex<br />
left, my son’s violence stopped! It was incredible. My little boy became the beautiful young person I always knew he could<br />
be and, despite all of his disabilities, he is one of the most caring, loving people I have ever known.<br />
That is not the end of the story sadly. I did say, initially, my ex could see the children at home when he liked, providing he<br />
was good and kind to them. I explained how scared they were of him and how he had to work at regaining there trust. He<br />
visited twice and both times he was abusive, aggressive and distressed the children.<br />
Making The Invisible Visible
So I went straight to a solicitor and she banned him from<br />
seeing the children. We had to go to court. That first session<br />
in court was terrifying. My children did not want to see their<br />
daddy. Had they done so, I would have agreed to him having<br />
contact which was supervised. I just wanted them to be<br />
happy. They were terrified and made it clear they did not<br />
want to see him again. I was the children’s voice. But, at that<br />
first court hearing, the judge told me my children had no<br />
voice as they were children and disabled. So I fought hard for<br />
a year for the judge to understand they had a right to their<br />
views. After all, he was expecting them to spend time with a<br />
man who had used abusive behaviour, which was recorded<br />
by several professionals.<br />
During that year, I was told I had to pay for my ex to see the<br />
children. I had to pay for the supervision. The supervisors<br />
had to be people the children knew and trusted. We also had<br />
the worst CAFCASS officer who had no idea of the children’s<br />
disabilities and she confused them and upset them. She was<br />
exceptionally patronising and it was obvious she was on my<br />
ex’s side. During this time, I was also in court fighting for my<br />
children’s right to have an education.<br />
My ex wanted the children to write three times a week. This<br />
was unrealistic, considering the fact neither of them could<br />
read nor write. Because of this, and their other disabilities,<br />
they needed so much time to process things and decide what<br />
they wanted to say.<br />
In the end it was ordered the children only had to write once<br />
every 4 weeks, but more if they wanted, and my ex could<br />
write every day, if he wanted to. I put in masses of effort to try<br />
and encourage the relationship, and the letter writing<br />
process, but their dad skipped some months, although the<br />
children always wrote. When they did get letters, their dad<br />
always wrote about himself and showed no interest in the<br />
children. After eight months, the case returned to court,<br />
where the judge ordered it to be closed. Their dad could not<br />
have access to the children, other than indirectly.<br />
My ex wanted the case to remain open, so if he ever wanted<br />
to contest again he could and he wouldn’t have to pay. The<br />
judge insisted this was not going to happen and said that, if<br />
he cared about his children that much, he would be happy to<br />
pay (my ex had a good job).<br />
"My ex wanted the case to remain open, so if he ever wanted to contest again he could<br />
and he wouldn’t have to pay.The judge insisted this was not going to happen and said<br />
that, if he cared about his children that much, he would be happy to pay ”<br />
I won my daughter’s case first and she started to attend a<br />
special school for autistic children. But the CAFCASS worker<br />
insisted that my daughter be removed from school twice a<br />
week to see her daddy, which I thought appalling considering<br />
she had been out of school for three years (that is how long<br />
the cases took to fight). I made a formal complaint about the<br />
CAFCASS worker and it was upheld and we were given a<br />
senior manager who was fantastic.<br />
My ex also wanted to see the children on weekends.<br />
Considering he didn’t show them any interest when he was<br />
at home other than to harm them, I knew this was just a<br />
game to him of hitting back at me. The supervised visits were<br />
horrendous for the children.Their dad still was abusive and<br />
things completely broke down when he assaulted my son in<br />
front of a supervisor in a park.<br />
It was then that the judge sat up and ordered that the<br />
children be given a legal voice. They would have their own<br />
solicitor and a Guardian Ad Litem. I was so pleased. They<br />
spent time with the children and were brilliant in<br />
understanding them. They produced reports for court,<br />
dictated by the children, about their daddy. The pictures the<br />
children used, to show what they thought their daddy was<br />
like, were terrifying; a distorted face full of rage; broken<br />
furniture; angry bubbles with angry words in. The judge<br />
ordered that only indirect contact was allowed, via a<br />
specialised website.<br />
Since that time, three years ago, the children have not heard<br />
from their dad, other than an odd birthday card with the<br />
wrong age written on. I have never said bad things about the<br />
children’s daddy to them, they know what we have all been<br />
through and he is still their daddy. Also, I have always said to<br />
them if they want contact I would arrange for it to be<br />
supervised immediately if it was possible. But both remain<br />
steadfast they never want to see him again.<br />
My current partner promised me the world, and instead he<br />
stole it from me. We have been together four years. He is sly<br />
and underhanded, abusive and cruel to me. He has been<br />
verbally awful to the children at odd times, but this happens<br />
infrequently and my son loves him to bits. I think this is only<br />
because, when my partner rarely does spend bit of time with<br />
him, he feels so happy.<br />
I know I have to sort the mess out, and soon. I am able to<br />
hide a lot from the children, but I want things to stop now for<br />
all our sakes.<br />
I don’t want the children subjected to anymore. I am aware<br />
that there is always the risk of them witnessing something or<br />
having some mean words thrown at them. The house is<br />
mine, and for that I am so grateful. My ex’s name is on the<br />
mortgage too, but I pay for everything. So I can tell my<br />
partner to leave. I thought he loved me. I thought he cared,<br />
but he doesn’t.<br />
Making The Invisible Visible
Before he moved in, when he met the children, he played<br />
with them on the floor and I thought, ‘Wow! He is a real<br />
hands-on dad!’ I have not seen him ever do that again, in the<br />
last four years. I feel cheated that he isn’t who he promised<br />
to be, and that he hasn’t done even a fraction of what he said<br />
he would do. I have put up with so much, supported him<br />
through so much, bailed him out so much and yet it’s never<br />
good enough.<br />
The smell of freedom is drifting upon the<br />
breeze around me<br />
I can feel that the time is coming for him to go.<br />
The smell of freedom is drifting upon the breeze<br />
around me. I am scared, as we are so alone as a<br />
little family but then, if I allow him to stay, it will<br />
be just as bad. It could be worse. I know there will<br />
come that moment when I say ‘enough’. But, when<br />
I say it their will no going back, which is why I<br />
know I have to be mentally strong and focused. I<br />
need to break the emotional ties.<br />
My partner is a professional man with a very good job,<br />
although he only contributes just for himself. He tells me that<br />
all the people he works with think he is amazing, wonderful,<br />
and charming. The best thing ever!<br />
I care for my children round the clock, and we have crises<br />
every week that I have to sort out for them. Last year my son<br />
had two major operations. If I told you everything my kids<br />
have been through at the hands of adults and children in<br />
schools, as well as thinking about their own dad, you would<br />
be staggered. I have lost faith in human beings.<br />
This week, I discovered my son’s cab driver and escort to his<br />
special school have been bullying him. He had been bending<br />
his fingers back, keeping his bags from him and calling him<br />
names. The school had noticed too and, as soon as I learnt<br />
how bad it was, I stopped the cabs and had a ding dong with<br />
LEA. My son internalised everything. He stopped eating and<br />
was so quiet. I had tried to find out what was going on, but all<br />
I could get from him were a few worries with school.<br />
"I am being ignored and punished for having a voice.<br />
He hates me having a voice."<br />
I have given up trying to tell him how I am, or how I feel, as<br />
he always explodes and then punishes me for days on end.<br />
So I always say ‘fine’ if he asks if I’m OK. Yesterday, he<br />
asked and I said I was fine. He kept badgering me, as he<br />
could see I wasn’t. I told him I was very lonely. I educate my<br />
daughter at home all week. I support her with an online<br />
school, so I never get a break or get to go out anywhere. The<br />
only thing my partner wants to do is work on his motorbike<br />
and go on holiday with his biker buddies. I finally cracked and<br />
told him the truth and, of course, he just started being nasty<br />
and sarcastic etc.<br />
He never takes us anywhere, even for a walk or anything. I<br />
can’t drive, so the only way I can get the kids out is to use<br />
cabs. I do this as much as I can, but, as we are at the<br />
doctors and the hospital a lot, I have to keep the cab fare<br />
money for that, mostly. He can drive, and we have a car, but<br />
he chooses not to take us out, ever. So, as I write this, Pat, I<br />
am being ignored and punished for having a voice. He hates<br />
me having a voice. I have told him all he wants is me to be a<br />
nodding doggy. Someone to pay the bills, wash his clothes<br />
and iron them, cook his food, buy him loads of stuff, never<br />
grumble, always have a ridiculous smile on my face and look<br />
nice.<br />
There were major issues with my daughter this<br />
week, too. But this is like most weeks. There is<br />
always something to deal with, whether it’s their<br />
health, education or mental welfare. They are the<br />
most incredible people I have ever known, and I<br />
am so privileged to be their mummy. They make<br />
the sun come out for me each and every day. I<br />
know I am strong inside. When it’s anything to do<br />
with the children, I am a lioness protecting her<br />
cubs at any expense. But, for myself, I am quite<br />
pathetic. I am getting stronger by the day and I<br />
know that slowly, very slowly I will get there.<br />
Sorry Pat, I have waffled, but I thought I would<br />
send in some thoughts if they were of any help.<br />
Thank you for all of your support through your<br />
books and the site. It has helped me enormously.<br />
Kindest Regards Poppy.<br />
Reproduced with kind permission by Pat<br />
Craven and The Freedom Programme.<br />
All rights reserved.<br />
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk<br />
Making The Invisible Visible
"Sitting through a court case last year and hearing<br />
about the horrific murder of community giant, Valerie<br />
Forde and her 22 month old daughter, baby J in 2014<br />
was the final straw for me. Valerie's death was so<br />
unavoidable."<br />
Ngozi Fulani (IDVA, ISVA)<br />
Making The Invisible Visible
Meet Ngozi Fulani<br />
founder of<br />
Sistah Space<br />
I<br />
didn't<br />
plan to be an Independent Domestic Violence Advisor<br />
(IDVA), I didn't even know what it was until a set of<br />
circumstances led me down the path I now find myself on.<br />
It was the murder of Valerie Forde and her 22 month old<br />
daughter 'Baby J' that really set me on this particular journey.<br />
Valerie died and her baby died just a short time after reporting threats made by her ex-partner to<br />
burn down the house with her and the children in it. This was recorded by police as 'A threat to<br />
property'. Consequently no actions were put in place to safeguard Valerie and baby J. Violence<br />
against women and girls is something that I had grown accustom to hearing about about most of my<br />
life. All the images that I saw and all the people I heard speaking about it were mainly white women.<br />
No black women I knew that had experienced domestic abuse had ever received adequate support,<br />
they all had issues with either the way the police handled them, asking to see red marks or bruising,<br />
or the way refuges couldn’t understand their basic needs. For that reason, I decided to do the IDVA<br />
training to maybe of some support to people I knew.<br />
I was amazed to realise that there was nothing at all in the training programmes that related to<br />
African or Caribbean women. We learned about almost every other community & culture and how<br />
they are affected. We were taught what resources were available for certain groups, including those<br />
with disabilities, victims of Honour Based Violence, every conceivable group, but no mention about<br />
black women. I raised it, but had no response as to why this was. We also had a lot of visitors as<br />
part of the course, but never any women from the black community. I raised it time and time again<br />
until finally they invited me down to their offices for a chat.<br />
After another long gap of over a year, in which time I had to keep making contact, I was invited to<br />
deliver training. The training took place last year and to date no visible changes have been<br />
implemented. My request for an update have been practically ignored. To date I am challenging<br />
those many domestic abuse organisations that continue to refer African heritage women to<br />
organisations that do not and can't cater for black women. Sending black women victims/survivors of<br />
domestic abuse to organisations that do not understand them, place them at further risk of harm.<br />
It is not possible to do an accurate risk assessment on women if you don't understand their cultural<br />
needs. Rastafarian and other grassroots women are invisible in plain sight. I have yet to see a<br />
mainstream organisation that has women from these communities in a decision making postion.<br />
Sending black women to refuges or places where they can't access the items they need increases<br />
the risk that they will return to the perpetrator.<br />
February 16th would have been Valerie Forde's 50th birthday. The 31st March was the 5 year<br />
anniversary of the murders. On that day we re-launched Valerie's Law to try to get every<br />
organisation to sign up for cultural awareness course.<br />
To sign the petition go to: www.change.org<br />
VALERIE'S LAW- Make discrimination Awareness Training Compulsory in DV Organisations.<br />
Making The Invisible Visible
SISTAH SPACE works with African heritage<br />
women and girls who have experienced<br />
domestic or sexual abuse and those who have<br />
lost a loved one to domestic violence. The<br />
specialist service seeks to assist those who are<br />
apprehensive about going to mainstream<br />
services without support, such as the police<br />
and other statutory services.<br />
SISTAH SPACE is run by a team of volunteers<br />
and currently depends on the community to<br />
keep this crucial initiative going.<br />
Follow on Twitter: @Sistah_Space<br />
To donate please go to:<br />
https://uk.virginmoneygiving.com<br />
and enter Sistah Space<br />
Making The Invisible Visible
Dominic's Story<br />
A male victim of abuse speaks up.<br />
“Gradually, violence became a part of our lives – with K attacking, and me<br />
defending myself. I think I’ve blotted out many of the memories from that<br />
period, but one is burned into my brain. It was the day when I fought back.”<br />
So – an honest account from someone who has experienced<br />
coercive control? Tricky. We all like to see ourselves as<br />
innocent. As essentially good, if occasionally mistaken. And<br />
hindsight is a wonderful helper when our halo seems a little<br />
tarnished. So I’m not sure I can actually give an ‘honest<br />
account’. But I will try.<br />
My relationship with K – as I’ll call her – began at university<br />
in the early 70s. I was 19, a naïve, over-sensitive and overimaginative<br />
only child, and a practising Catholic who’d been<br />
educated at a single-sex direct grant school. Though I was<br />
rapidly maturing in my new environment. When I met K I’d<br />
just emerged from my first university ‘love affair’, which<br />
ended when my then girlfriend replaced me with a man I’d<br />
regarded as a good friend. Looking back, I’m not surprised.<br />
My Catholic scruples were still fighting a rearguard action<br />
against my overactive hormones, so we’d never had full<br />
intercourse. And my own behaviour had been a little<br />
controlling. Like most men in the 70s, I’d grown up with<br />
precisely that image of women that modern feminists rightly<br />
condemn. But I’d also learned not to underestimate women,<br />
if only because my mother was a superbly capable person<br />
with a formidable intellect who, in many ways, did not fit that<br />
image at all.<br />
At first my relationship with K was almost purely sexual. She<br />
made no secret of her attraction to me, and proved a willing,<br />
experienced and inventive partner who blithely brushed aside<br />
even my most deep-seated inhibitions.<br />
She was intelligent, perceptive, and incisive – as any woman<br />
had to be to win a place at my university. It’s worth remarking<br />
that men outnumbered women there by about five to one at<br />
that time.<br />
K was also a vocal feminist, at a time when that was still<br />
unusual. This tended to create awkward social situations:<br />
she would sometimes take deep offence at a casual remark.<br />
Looking back I’d say she sometimes had good reason,<br />
although my more perceptive friends did listen, take notice,<br />
and try to understand her reactions. And I’ll freely admit that<br />
she made me rethink my ideas about women and their place<br />
in society.<br />
Sadly, though, she was also very insecure. As a provincial<br />
woman from a working-class background she felt out of place<br />
at the university, and seemed convinced that others regarded<br />
her as inferior. I honestly don’t believe that was the case –<br />
certainly not among those in our own immediate circle – but<br />
that didn’t alter her own strongly-held beliefs. I did invite K to<br />
meet my parents, but it was not a success. If anything it<br />
highlighted the internal conflict I still had between my<br />
somewhat puritanical Catholic upbringing and K’s own<br />
liberated sexuality. Her almost militant feminism also made<br />
for uncomfortable conversations with my (then quite elderly)<br />
parents.<br />
A little over a year after I met K I completed my degree<br />
course and left university, but our relationship continued. I<br />
made frequent visits both to see her and to reconnect with<br />
friends who were still finishing their degrees or had chosen to<br />
settle in the area. A few months after she finished her own<br />
degree I secured my first full-time job, and rented a bedsit<br />
close to my work.<br />
Some time later K got a job within commuting distance of my<br />
new home, and joined me there – a far from ideal<br />
arrangement that put even more stress on an already<br />
strained relationship. It couldn’t last and I did, eventually,<br />
persuade her to move out to a bedsit of her own, closer to<br />
her work.<br />
Making The Invisible Visible
It was far from ideal, and she was far from happy about it.<br />
And there, had I been more pragmatic, we might have left it.<br />
But two years later I was able to buy a flat. Driven to a large<br />
extent by guilt (at which I was rapidly becoming an expert) I<br />
invited her to join me – though I didn’t ask her to pay rent or<br />
a share of the mortgage. And from then on our somewhat<br />
shaky relationship slowly began to spiral into something<br />
dangerous. I couldn’t reasonably invite my parents to visit the<br />
flat given their strong dislike of K – which was mutual.<br />
She also regarded most of my friends – especially those who<br />
happened to be closest to me – as hostile to her. Wrongly, I<br />
suspect. Our own relationship became increasingly<br />
claustrophobic, and increasingly difficult. Not helped by my<br />
well-instilled sense of Catholic guilt about the entire situation<br />
– especially given that I’d long since stopped going to<br />
church. One evening, when we were walking home from the<br />
station, we got into an angry argument (for which I was<br />
largely responsible). I could walk much faster than K,<br />
and duly did so – only to meet her coming<br />
towards me as I approached the flat. She told me<br />
she’d been dropped off by the police, because<br />
she’d got into a serious confrontation at a pub on<br />
the way home. It didn’t occur to me then that she<br />
might have started it. It was only much later –<br />
when our own arguments sometimes degenerated<br />
into violence – that I began to understand the<br />
significance of that incident. And by then we had<br />
reached a new low.<br />
Gradually, violence became a part of our lives –<br />
with K attacking, and me defending myself. I<br />
think I’ve blotted out many of the memories from<br />
that period, but one is burned into my brain. It<br />
was the day when I fought back. And found myself<br />
with my hands around K’s throat. I could have<br />
killed her. My only consolation is that I took the<br />
very conscious decision not to. But I don’t take<br />
any pride in it. And at that point I finally<br />
understood that we had to stop. For both our<br />
sakes. My decision was reinforced by a later<br />
incident when I’d avoided a confrontation by<br />
going to bed. Only to be aware of K coming into<br />
the bedroom, sitting next to me on the bed, and<br />
touching my back with the tip of a knife. I<br />
pretended to be asleep, and after a while she left.<br />
I spoke to a family friend who worked in the same<br />
environment as K and asked what would happen if<br />
she had to take extended leave. He assured me<br />
she’d be fine. I called another, mutual friend in<br />
confidence and explained what was happening.<br />
She offered to give K somewhere to stay. And then<br />
I made the most difficult call of all. To my father.<br />
To explain what was happening, and why I hadn’t<br />
been in touch.<br />
Bear in mind that in the 1970s even domestic<br />
violence against women was barely discussed.<br />
Making The Invisible Visible
“We’ve been really worried about you,’<br />
they said. ‘We could hear what was<br />
happening.”<br />
Domestic violence against men wasn’t something I’d ever<br />
even heard of. I didn’t imagine the police would be<br />
interested, and in any case I had no wish to involve them, for<br />
K’s sake as much as my own. So my father and I managed<br />
the whole ghastly business on our own. K was shocked,<br />
angry, and occasionally violent. She threw a plate, which<br />
shattered – one of the broken pieces cut me, though I wasn’t<br />
directly hit. She also threw an alarm clock, which did hit me.<br />
Hours of talking followed. At one point she walked out of the<br />
flat and wandered away.<br />
I called the Samaritan helpline and asked for their advice and<br />
suggestions – and very helpful they were (which is why I later<br />
became a volunteer myself). Eventually – and it took a long<br />
time – we persuaded K to take a taxi to the station and go to<br />
stay with our mutual friend. Two weeks later I was told that K<br />
had voluntarily gone into therapy.<br />
That wasn’t quite the end of the story. K got back in touch a<br />
couple of years later, asking whether, perhaps, we could<br />
meet again. She told me that she, herself, had now become<br />
a Catholic, and I know that to be true. But I didn’t feel it would<br />
be right, and I was just beginning a new relationship so – as<br />
gently as possible – I refused.<br />
Just a few years ago I did have another exchange of letters<br />
with K, in which she told me a little about her life and asked<br />
for my forgiveness. I wrote back and told her she’d had that<br />
long ago – and hoped she would forgive me, too, for my own<br />
all too evident faults.<br />
I hope that by sharing this story I’ll encourage other men<br />
who’ve had similar experiences to speak out. Your stories are<br />
not being heard, and they need to be - if only so we can<br />
reach out to others in the same situation. Others who have<br />
yet to find a way out.<br />
Despite that she did keep her job, as I had been told she<br />
would. In the meantime I went to apologise to my downstairs<br />
neighbours for the disturbance. They were entirely<br />
sympathetic. ‘We’ve been really worried about you,’ they<br />
said. ‘We could hear what was happening. So glad you’re<br />
OK.’<br />
SUPPORT FOR MALE VICTIMS:<br />
Men's Advice Line<br />
Free helpline offering advice and support<br />
for men experiencing domestic violence<br />
and abuse.<br />
0808 801 0327<br />
www.mensadviceline.org.uk<br />
Abused Men in Scotland<br />
Free helpline offering advice and support<br />
for men experiencing domestic violence<br />
and abuse in Scotland.<br />
0808 800 0024<br />
www.abusedmeninscotland.org<br />
Making The Invisible Visible
Coping Strategies<br />
Anita Gera<br />
I<br />
m a survivor. If you’re reading this, you are very likely to be one too. We have<br />
got this far: we have survived the abuse we encountered and here we are.<br />
However, I know only too well how very hard getting even to here can be,<br />
and I know that we all need a little help now and again so I’m going to tell you<br />
a bit about the three most useful coping strategies I have found, as they may<br />
help you too.<br />
“If you don’t need them, share the information – you never<br />
know when it may be just what another survivor needs to keep<br />
going.”<br />
If you don’t need them, share the information – you never know when it may be just what another<br />
survivor needs to keep going.<br />
The first thing to know, to absolutely grasp with every cell in your body, is that you are not alone. It’s<br />
not some horrible nightmare that has only happened to you: you’re not the only one this happens to.<br />
Knowing this is the most important fact you have now that you are a survivor. There are others out<br />
there who have been through similar, though of course not the same, trauma as you have, who will<br />
understand and who will not judge or blame you in any way (unfortunately, some of those who have<br />
not experienced abuse may not always understand).<br />
When my situation exploded, and I lost my two young children (whom I now haven’t seen for over 3<br />
years), I thought it had never happened to anyone before me. I now know that there are armies of<br />
mothers around the world who have lost their children to their abusers and I talk to many of them<br />
regularly: we understand each other and know how bad the pain is. I am grateful to know them and<br />
to call so many of them friends – without this trauma we would never have found each other so that<br />
is one good that has come out of the bad. And: we know that we are not alone.<br />
Secondly, know that there is no shame in being abused: your abuser should bear the shame and, in<br />
a just world, would do so. It’s not your fault, you did nothing wrong, made no wrong choices, so there<br />
is no shame for you to bear. Abusers are cunning and horribly intelligent when it comes to luring<br />
victim-survivors into their traps. Even if you knew that abusers could act in this way, if it’s happened<br />
before, some abusers will still be able to ensnare you again: it is never your fault, it’s theirs. Too<br />
many of us feel shame at ‘admitting’ that we were abused, raped, violated… but it is society’s fault<br />
for putting the blame on the woman rather than on the man who abused her.<br />
Once you start learning about victim-blaming, about how insidious it is and how it permeates so<br />
much of the world around us, you will wonder how you didn’t see it before. For every rape victim who<br />
is asked what she was wearing, for every mother asked why she didn’t leave her abuser and keep<br />
her children safe, for every girlfriend told that she shouldn’t have done/said/worn/eaten/drunk/not<br />
done / not worn etc<br />
It’s not YOUR fault.<br />
Making The Invisible Visible
“It may not be the life you had planned, but it can still be a good life<br />
and you are worth it. ”<br />
Third, do whatever it takes to live your best life.<br />
Do not let this destroy you, your abuser is not<br />
worth it so don’t give him (and yes, in the vast<br />
majority of cases it is ‘him’) the satisfaction of<br />
seeing you disintegrate.<br />
You will have to learn to compartmentalise your<br />
feelings, to shut off some of your hurt and anger<br />
so that you can direct your energy into positive<br />
actions, projects and words and start working out<br />
what you can do to make your life the best it can<br />
be. It may not be the life you had planned, but it<br />
can still be a good life and you are worth it.<br />
I may not quite achieve that but I shall do my best<br />
to make a difference: if my work means that even<br />
one woman is not abused, at least one child is not<br />
traumatised, then my work and my life is worth it.<br />
Because we are all worth it.<br />
To sum up: do your best and live your best life,<br />
don’t accept blame whether it comes from within<br />
or from others and find survivors who understand<br />
what you have gone through. Peace, strength and<br />
love!<br />
My journey is not over, I do not know where I will<br />
end up but I have thrown my energies into<br />
studying, doing an MA in Woman and Child<br />
Abuse so that I can better understand the<br />
dynamics behind abuse and work out how to<br />
change the world for us all.<br />
Making The Invisible Visible
Domestic abuse is not exclusive to a particular<br />
socio-economic group. The reality is that you're<br />
just as likely to bump into a victim or perpetrator<br />
buying truffle oil at Waitrose as you are anywhere<br />
else. A new information portal has launched that<br />
aims to lift the lid. We interviewed the founder.<br />
Making The Invisible Visible
the truth about domestic<br />
abuse and class.<br />
the guest interview<br />
I<br />
t's<br />
hard to see yourself as a victim of domestic abuse when your<br />
children are at a fee-paying school and you drive a BMW, but, the old<br />
image of a "battered wife" whilst still prevalent in the minds of many, is<br />
no longer an accurate depiction of domestic abuse. This month, CChat<br />
interviews the founder of a new information portal to find out a little<br />
more.<br />
He kept me, my mother and brother in a<br />
perpetual state of fear and hypervigilance.<br />
Hi, so tell me a bit about why you started your website Coercive-Control.com<br />
Sure. Well, back in 20<strong>13</strong> there was an article that appeared in Tatler <strong>Magazine</strong> that had a really memorable title: ‘Not Too<br />
Posh To Punch’ I don’t consider myself “posh” but I guess I come from what would definitely be viewed as the more<br />
privileged end of the spectrum and one of the things that I found incredibly difficult to deal with as a child was the belief that<br />
domestic abuse didn’t happen to a certain kind of person. The presumption was that it was an issue that only affected<br />
those from lower income households where a brutish-looking man of obvious dubious character would be beating you<br />
black and blue – this was back in the 1970’s I hasten to add. So, that was the stereotype and we just didn’t fit it. My father<br />
was a handsome, charismatic, ex-RAF chap and we had all the material trappings, but ‘behind closed doors’ my entire<br />
childhood was devastated by his abusive, controlling behaviour. He kept me, my mother and brother in a perpetual state of<br />
fear and hypervigilance. He was so terrifying that my mother and I (my brother was older and rarely home) sometimes had<br />
to steal away to hotel rooms in the middle of the night, because if you called the police they’d say: ‘Sorry it’s just a<br />
domestic we can’t intervene’. I’d then have to turn up at school the next day as if nothing was wrong. It was mortifying.<br />
There was no one to turn to, no one ever spoke openly about this stuff, so it became a source of profound secret shame.<br />
So these childhood experiences led you to becoming a campaigner for DA victims?<br />
Well, actually,no. For most of my life, not at all. I had a lot of confusion about my childhood as I knew it wasn’t normal, but it<br />
just didn’t fit the mould of what anyone was openly talking about. He drank, but it wasn’t overt alcoholism. He pushed and<br />
shoved and came right up to your face, but it wasn’t overt violence. What it was, was overt verbal abuse: control and<br />
domination. However, because there were no visible wounds it was hard to quantify. My mother couldn’t leave him as he<br />
held all the finances and my father made it clear she’d never get a penny and anyway, we knew he wouldn’t have hesitated<br />
to make our lives an even worse kind of living hell if we tried. So, we all had to learn to live with it and instead find a way to<br />
just sort of ‘manage’ it - and him. Walking on eggshells doesn’t even begin to cover it. So, to answer your question, even<br />
though he mellowed slightly in his very old age, I definitely didn’t feel that I wanted to go and talk about this issue to help<br />
others deal with, or recognise, abuse. To be honest I just wanted to get far away from home and put it all behind me.<br />
Besides, in later years, things did start to change for women, so maybe I believed things were happening. I certainly don’t<br />
really recall ever contemplating activism. I know divorce laws were radically improved. Domestic Violence became far more<br />
recognised too, but again in my mind, we still didn’t really fit the profile because the narrative was solely around violent<br />
behaviour. What had, and was still, happening to us didn’t seem to fit any description, so at the time the changes didn’t<br />
help us.<br />
Making The Invisible Visible
So you are talking about psychological<br />
abuse?<br />
Yes, definitely. Nowadays of course, I know it to<br />
have been textbook psychological and economic<br />
abuse.<br />
So in 20<strong>13</strong> you read ‘Not Too Posh to Punch’<br />
and it brought it all to the fore for you?<br />
Yep, the article was (as, sadly, is still too often the<br />
case) about physical violence, hence the word<br />
‘punch’ in the title, but it was tackling a taboo<br />
about who it happens to. More importantly, it<br />
made mention, even though this was still two<br />
years before the Coercive Control legislation was<br />
passed, of the, then, recent change in March<br />
20<strong>13</strong> to the non-statutory cross-government<br />
definition to include controlling behaviour. It was<br />
an ah-ha moment for me as it came to my<br />
attention exactly at time when I was seriously<br />
struggling with life.<br />
Tell me more.<br />
So, I entered into this relationship with this<br />
charming lawyer. He was older than me and<br />
because of his maturity and the profession you<br />
automatically assume integrity and honesty –<br />
especially if that’s what they are telling you. He<br />
was very clear he was only looking for something<br />
serious.. However, the way this relationship<br />
unfolded was so insidious - in fact almost sinister.<br />
I now look back and feel I was targeted. I can only<br />
describe it to people as like being caught up in in<br />
a spin drier. You know, one that spins you wildly<br />
then slowly turns everything this way, then that,<br />
then suddenly gives a final super-fast spin. It was<br />
like that. It was the gradual, yet seemingly<br />
random, wearing down of my sense of reality, my<br />
will and my spirit: the lies and gaslighting, the<br />
cognitive dissonance, the smears, the intermittent<br />
physical violence. It still makes me shudder to<br />
think how under his control I became. It was very<br />
different to my father’s abuse too as he was totally<br />
inconsistent.<br />
“I still have a great deal of disbelief about this”<br />
Still struggling with being a child of an<br />
abusive parent you mean?<br />
No. I still have a great deal of disbelief about this,<br />
but I was struggling with an abusive partner.<br />
Somehow, even though I had, by then, worked<br />
through all my parental issues, I had still managed<br />
to swop a childhood with an abusive father for a<br />
relationship with someone who gaslighted and<br />
controlled me, to the point that I didn’t recognise<br />
myself. It shook me to my core. In fact it collapsed<br />
my very foundations because he was my first<br />
partner after my long (and happy) marriage ended<br />
and it came out of left field. My marriage had<br />
ended really amicably by most people’s standards<br />
- and at my behest. Even so, I’d deliberately taken<br />
a few years out to ensure that I was healed from<br />
that and not on any rebound. Plus, I’d already<br />
completed years and years of therapy,<br />
psychology courses, residential courses like the<br />
Hoffman Process and been deep ‘down the rabbit<br />
hole’. Indeed, by the time I met this partner I had<br />
been coaching others for a living for a number of<br />
years and was pretty respected for my advice<br />
about the importance of good values and solid<br />
self-worth. So, if anyone was the very definition of<br />
‘sorted and ‘self-aware’ at that stage, it was me.<br />
It was the never knowing which way was up or<br />
which way I was going to be ‘spun’ next (or why),<br />
that so destabilised me. This along with the fact<br />
that he had cleverly coerced me into a position<br />
where I lost my financial independence, while<br />
swearing that he had my back and asking me to<br />
trust him, destroyed my equilibrium. In fact it had<br />
followed an exact pattern. He put me way up on a<br />
pedestal and adored me, then started devaluing<br />
me in private so that I lost my confidence, coerced<br />
me to keep spending money, then triangulated<br />
and engineered me to cast him aside when I’d run<br />
out of money. I felt like I’d been in a war - totally<br />
shell-shocked. If it had just been violence, I may<br />
have easily recovered. The problem is with the<br />
economic abuse, it follows you into the future. I<br />
knew I’d never be able to recoup what I’d lost. By<br />
far the worst of it though was the post-separation<br />
control. That truly ‘did me in’. No one should be<br />
able to physically abuse, coerce and control a<br />
women with a young teenage child and then use<br />
the law to avoid accountability and to perpetrate<br />
further psychological abuse. He tried. He used<br />
legal letters to try and silence me and threats of<br />
huge cost sanctions if I spoke out. The coercive<br />
control law couldn’t be used as it only came on<br />
the books in late 2015.<br />
Making The Invisible Visible
I also struggled with the ‘Whys’: Why me? Why<br />
when I was so emotionally aware and settled?<br />
Why did my daughter have to suffer? Why did he<br />
want to do this to us? etc., etc. Even before the<br />
relationship ended I’d been referred to the crisis<br />
intervention unit, but with the post-separation<br />
tactics on top I ended up in the NHS (outpatients)<br />
trauma unit being diagnosed with C-PTSD.<br />
So you became a DA campaigner.<br />
Yes, absolutely. In the Tatler article one of the<br />
comments from the woman being interviewed was<br />
that she said she would never have gone to<br />
Refuge (the charity). I felt the same. As far as I<br />
was aware Women’s Aid, Refuge and all these<br />
charities were only there to help people who were<br />
being physically battered and certainly weren’t<br />
there for women with ‘affluent’ partners or<br />
backgrounds. At that time though in 20<strong>13</strong>, just as<br />
things were getting really, really bad with this guy,<br />
The end result is that just over five years on from<br />
reading that Tatler article I decided to put all I<br />
have learned about coercive and controlling<br />
behaviour throughout my life down in one place. I<br />
don’t really see it as my website, which is why I<br />
am not promoting it with my name. I see it as an<br />
information portal. This is not about me (although<br />
I have included my in-depth story on there) it’s to<br />
help other women, to raise awareness particularly<br />
about post- separation control and to point to<br />
information I wish I had known.<br />
I’ve seen your Post-Separation Control portal<br />
and it’s packed full of great information and<br />
resources. Well done.<br />
Thank you.I think it’s also around four years or<br />
more since we first met? I’m a huge admirer of<br />
your work in the coercive control arena. It’s great<br />
that we can amplify each other’s work in this way.<br />
I love being involved with so many strong,<br />
inspirational women.<br />
“I also struggled with the ‘Whys’: Why me?”<br />
I saw Sandra Horley’s comment in that Tatler<br />
article. She spoke about how abusers are just as<br />
likely to be Lawyers, Accountants or Judges.<br />
When I managed to pick myself up off the floor I<br />
decided to approach the, then, CEO of Women’s<br />
Aid, Polly Neate and ask if I could play an active<br />
role in raising more awareness about this<br />
demographic and help make it clear that all<br />
women suffer equally. I adored Polly from the<br />
moment I met her and there began an association<br />
with the charity which has lasted to this day –<br />
despite Polly (and now Katie Ghose and Sian<br />
Hawkins) moving on. It was as if there was some<br />
type of divine timing at work. Simultaneously one<br />
of my friends was about to become Chairman of a<br />
party political association so I also got involved in<br />
political activism and women in politics. I met Jess<br />
Phillips, Maria Miller and a host of other politicians<br />
prominent in the area of domestic abuse and<br />
really got stuck in. A short while later I also<br />
crossed paths with Dr Nicola Sharp-Jeffs just as<br />
she was looking for government funding to start<br />
up a charity dealing with Economic Abuse (SEA)<br />
so I was able to help in championing greater<br />
awareness of economic abuse from the start.<br />
I wanted to show my daughter that a woman can<br />
be like Phoenix, rise from the ashes of despair<br />
and take a stand and help change things for<br />
others. There’s still a way to go but I think we are<br />
both achieving that.<br />
The information portal can be found at:<br />
Coercive-control.com<br />
Making The Invisible Visible
emma sutcliffe<br />
why do people hate family court?<br />
P<br />
eople<br />
hate family court for the same reasons they hate hospitals;<br />
something pathological has happened to you that you cannot resolve<br />
alone and you have to put your life in the hands of people who are<br />
deemed to be more expert about your condition than you are.<br />
‘Our case’ was just a lose:lose for the entire family.<br />
If you’re in family court you’ve likely been through something painful, there’s no guarantee it will stop<br />
hurting and the interventions themselves cause bruises. There’s also a hefty bill at the end and the<br />
surrounding quality of life direct and indirect costs of loss of earnings and utter exhaustion. Plus …<br />
like lots of diseases, it might not go away, it might come back; next time it could be fatal. Why the<br />
determined correlation with medicine? I’m trying to align what I know with what I’ve experienced –<br />
knowledge of facts and wisdom of interpretation. I’ve been a medical writer for 25 years following a<br />
degree in medical biochemistry and application of that in the research and development of<br />
medicines.<br />
My entire nature is that of enquiry and fact-based decision making and behaviours. I believe in logic,<br />
cause and effect, sensibly following ‘doctor’s orders’. I’ve also spent too much time in family court as<br />
a petitioner which saw 18 hearings in 22 months. My faith in facts, practitioners and the sensibility of<br />
court orders was put to the test before, during and after every one of those hearings. It was like<br />
preparing for surgery. Let’s cut to the end result to be able to get back to the original question of<br />
‘hatred’: although technically ‘I won’ — as in the contact order I applied for (on police<br />
recommendation) was granted — the experience was like surgery without anaesthetic where you<br />
leave feeling as though the presenting diseases may have been excised but fragments of infection<br />
are lingering away in septic reservoirs leaving with you a body and mind too irreversibly damaged to<br />
recover and parent well. ‘Our case’ was just a lose:lose for the entire family.<br />
Both families; the old and the new and the penumbrae of families around us. Our case had its ‘final<br />
hearing’ (an oxymoron if you consider that toxic parenting is a chronic condition) more than a year<br />
ago. I’m still haunted by the ghosts of hearings past and have my very own reservoir of Post<br />
Traumatic Stress Disorder leaving a lasting impression. The reality of the court orders is that unlike<br />
doctor’s orders, I’m already forced into breaking them and live every day with the fresh fear that<br />
CAFCASS will find me to be in breach and my ex husband will take me back to court.<br />
Because family court transacts on what has happened and assumes that children’s needs are fixed.<br />
Funnily enough, children grow and change whereas court orders don’t (without another set of<br />
injurious hearings reopening wounds) and as I now have a sentient, articulate adolescent<br />
determinedly refusing to stay at Dad’s house that essentially turns me into a criminal and opens me<br />
up again to allegations of the never-proved, academically derided ‘junk theory’ of parental alienation.<br />
Making The Invisible Visible
Like Andrew Wakefield’s infamous MMR causal<br />
link to autism saw him struck off yet the myths still<br />
perpetuate; parental alienation accusations<br />
conveniently drown out what ironically is ‘the<br />
voice of the child’ – child says ‘this is happening<br />
to me; I don’t like it’. CAFCASS officers respond<br />
with ‘they’re too young to know what they’re<br />
saying, they are the mouthpiece of the parent’.<br />
Pick a lane please. By all accounts, therefore, if<br />
recent judges’ blunt condemnations that<br />
‘alienating mothers should be subjected to a<br />
three-strikes and you’re out’ – or imprisoned –<br />
then who knows if my next blog will be about life<br />
behind bars?<br />
Therein lies the promulgation to distrust, fear,<br />
anger — hatred.Despite living in purgatory, I have<br />
been able to step back and consider what in the<br />
hell happened there.<br />
However, this isn’t about gender – it is about which<br />
parent is the angriest parent in family court because<br />
they are more likely to be the one also prepared to be<br />
the most ruthless; to take the greatest risks.<br />
When parties enter the court they will each know how<br />
to attack and defend and how far the other is prepared<br />
to go. The hate of family court is the knowledge that<br />
parties will default to their character type and court<br />
processes and practitioners by their very need to be<br />
thorough and percipient to protect a child have to also<br />
be open to the angriest party’s determination to exploit<br />
those people and processes in continued pursuit of<br />
punishment.<br />
People hate family court because it prolongs the pain<br />
of punitive pursuit. I could further my anecdotes and<br />
detail the utterly ludicrous allegations postured at me<br />
that I had to defend. But that would be pointless<br />
precisely because I was able to defend them thanks to<br />
a brilliant barrister and very caring solicitor who,<br />
importantly, were able to get me to listen all the while<br />
that my anger and fears were raging towards a<br />
maelstrom that possibly would have seen me lose<br />
custody of my own children and only be permitted<br />
supervised visits.<br />
"It becomes too easy to archetype ‘all mums are histrionic and cry wolf on<br />
domestic abuse’ or ‘all dads are intimidating and claim parental alienation’."<br />
As such, both the practices of medicine and law<br />
are ones which rely on its participants and<br />
processes being underpinned by integrity and<br />
accuracy. Trust should therefore be implicit.<br />
However, neither medicine nor law<br />
accommodates human nature and emotions –<br />
which when put under pressure will contort and<br />
eclipse rational and logical decision-making.<br />
When afraid, hurt, confused or distressed the<br />
easiest of the emotion to employ is anger. Family<br />
court is that A&E part of the hospital where anger<br />
dominates; complex decisions are being made<br />
amidst a melee of jargon, allegations, process<br />
and manipulation.<br />
It becomes too easy to archetype ‘all mums are<br />
histrionic and cry wolf on domestic abuse’ or ‘all<br />
dads are intimidating and claim parental<br />
alienation’. If my ex had got his way and the full<br />
force of his anger and risk-taking of out and out<br />
lies had succeeded in influencing the judge as<br />
they biased the CAFCASS officer throughout<br />
proceedings then this story might have been very<br />
different indeed and even have seen our children<br />
placed in the care system.<br />
I won’t comment on the allegations because that’s the<br />
subject of a different blog (how narcissistic parents<br />
behave in court). But that is why only relying on ‘facts’,<br />
denying how emotions can influence behaviours and<br />
seeing things in the fixed black/white process of the<br />
law is merely sticking a plaster over a seeping wound.<br />
People hate family court because it is sterile and<br />
doesn’t accurately reflect life outside the chambers.<br />
The law is fixed, but life is fluid. And people’s emotions<br />
over their children will always spill over … the angrier,<br />
the louder, the more heinous the allegations, the blunt<br />
threats and brinksmanship of disingenuous<br />
practitioners … when faced with the prospect of fight or<br />
flight, most mothers without strong legal support will<br />
run. There needs to be allowance for the emotions of<br />
all parties and just as a good doctor seeks to help the<br />
physical and holistic needs of a patient; so too must<br />
family court consider the importance of helping and<br />
communicating that it should be a place for resolution<br />
rather than fuelling hatred. That can only begin when<br />
we seek to align knowledge of facts and wisdom of<br />
interpretation.<br />
To read more of Emma writing, check out her blog:<br />
https://eldconsulting.wordpress.com<br />
Making The Invisible Visible
interviewing the editor<br />
A<br />
lovely<br />
but rather persistent friend who has asked to remain nameless<br />
has been wanting to interview me for a while, on the basis that I tend<br />
to focus on the experiences of others but not much is known of what<br />
led me to become a campaigner and start this magazine. It actually<br />
ended up being a really long chat that lasted several hours.<br />
Here is a short extract:<br />
What were you doing before you started raising awareness of coercive control?<br />
Well, primarily I was a mum but I also worked. I wanted my work to be flexible,to be able to fit in<br />
around the school runs and to be able to alter my schedule in case one of the children became ill.<br />
with four children,it was pretty full-on. I decided to become self employed for a better work/life<br />
balance. My last job, before I became a mother, was working at Lloyd’s of London, I was part of a<br />
team helping to implement a reconstruction and renewal plan to cap losses on run-offs and my job<br />
was to ascertain the prevalence of inter-syndicate disputes. I knew that staying in the insurance<br />
market held no allure once I'd given birth, so I trained to be a Pilates teacher, set up a Pilates<br />
machine studio in Suffolk. In the early days, I missed London dreadfully so spent Mondays working<br />
at a studio in South Kensington, just around the corner from an amazing patisserie, but that stopped<br />
when my second child was born. I probably taught Pilates for about 15 years and, over the years,<br />
had various add-ons to make life more interesting.<br />
So what other things did you do?<br />
Well, for a while I was a supplier of physiological footwear that helped engage the same core<br />
stabilising muscles used in pilates, so I taught gait sessions which was actually far more interesting<br />
than it sounds! I was also a personal shopper which sort of developed as a result of clients asking<br />
me to go shopping with them.<br />
Did you enjoy that?<br />
I have to say, I really didn’t. I really don’t like shopping but I do like a bargain and have always been<br />
particularly good at finding them.<br />
What was your best buy?<br />
I'd have to say it was a Prada skirt that retailed at £500 or so and I got for just over £10. At the time it<br />
fitted beautifully and I couldn't believe my luck when I came across it.<br />
You’ve told me before that you also had a market stall?<br />
Ha! Yes! For a while I had a stall at a farmers' market selling macaroons, or, to be more accurate.<br />
macarons. As with most things in my life, it started by accident. I seem to be a stranger to the idea of<br />
having some great well thought out plan! I made some macarons for myself one day and they turned<br />
out surprisingly well, which doesn't always happen when I cook! I made way too many so handed<br />
them out to clients and then started getting orders for them. Before the market stall, I producing them<br />
for a farm shop in Cambridge. At the time it was unexpected and very exciting.<br />
Making The Invisible Visible
What made you stop?<br />
Ahh, well many reasons. Being pregnant with my<br />
fourth child and nausea made things much more<br />
challenging but the main reason was that the<br />
person I was in a relationship with at the time<br />
didn’t want me to do it. He spent a lot of time<br />
trying to dissuade me. telling me what a waste of<br />
time it was , how I needed to give it up as it was<br />
affecting our relationship.<br />
That’s pretty awful. Did it?<br />
I never thought so,to be honest.It was something I<br />
loved doing and although it meant I was spending<br />
less time with him, I was really happy and I<br />
thought that would be good for the relationship.<br />
He didn't see it that way and was continually<br />
trying to sabotage what I was doing. At the time I<br />
put it down to the fact that he only wanted to be<br />
with me but, on reflection, I realise he was<br />
threathened by the attention I was getting.<br />
How do you mean?<br />
Well, at the time macarons were very popular but<br />
not that easy to buy, in deepest Suffolk so I ended<br />
up being interviewed for a fair number of local<br />
papers and magazines, as well getting an<br />
invitation to appear on a food programme. I<br />
noticed a pattern where, the night before I was<br />
due to meet a journalist or a photographer, he<br />
would initiate a row and he wouldn't let me go to<br />
sleep so, the next day, I would be shattered.<br />
How did it make you feel?<br />
Pretty crap, to be honest. I couldn't understand<br />
what was happening. He just seemed really<br />
determined that I stop with the macarons.<br />
Why do you think he did this, was he jealous?<br />
I really don’t know, but I'd say he was definitely<br />
threatened by it.There was the time I exhibited at<br />
the Aldeburgh Food and Drink Festival.On the first<br />
day I sold out of everything I had cooked for the<br />
whole weekend. I had to go home and cook more<br />
macarons.I had asked him to help me package<br />
them up, not expecting a problem as it meant<br />
there would be quite a bit of money coming in, but<br />
he totally refused.<br />
That wasn't even the worst of it.<br />
He engineered a row, shouting at me, telling me<br />
he didn't want to be a father, he didn't want to be<br />
married to me and then he stormed out.<br />
Making The Invisible Visible
“He just turned up at the house as though nothing had<br />
happened and I was just expected to forget about it.”<br />
Oh God, that’s awful. What did you do?<br />
Well, I didn’t have any choice. I had to carry on<br />
cooking, you know? The show must go on. I<br />
stayed up all night to get everything done and the<br />
next day, drove back to Aldeburgh.<br />
That night, he just turned up at the house as<br />
though nothing had happened and I was just<br />
expected to forget about it. Pretty much the same<br />
thing happened when I went on a food<br />
programme.<br />
So you stopped?<br />
Yes. It was too hard having to fight him all the<br />
time and it was just easier to give up. After the<br />
birth, I focused on the pilates and that more or<br />
less continued until I decided to hold the first<br />
Conference on Coercive Control in 2015 by which<br />
time, the relationship had been over for a while.<br />
Did it work?<br />
What do you mean?<br />
Did stopping with the macarons make things<br />
better?<br />
Oh, yes, I follow. At first it did but it wasn't long<br />
before he expected me to give up other things.<br />
Such as?<br />
He wanted me to sell the house and start up a<br />
small holding in the Czech Republic.<br />
Crikey, I'm glad you didn't.<br />
Yeah, so am I<br />
What made you decide to hold the<br />
conference?<br />
Ha! That's a story for another day. Let's put the<br />
kettle on...<br />
to be continued.......<br />
Making The Invisible Visible
The interview<br />
Liz Gibbons<br />
Liz Gibbons is an<br />
ex-police detective,<br />
specialised in the<br />
area of child<br />
protection and<br />
online abuse.<br />
She began working<br />
for the Cithrah<br />
Foundation, a<br />
domestic abuse<br />
charity when she<br />
and her family<br />
moved to Northern<br />
Ireland.<br />
Liz has worked<br />
with Cithrah to try<br />
and establish the<br />
first male refuge for<br />
the whole of<br />
Ireland, has<br />
pioneered an<br />
Interest Safety<br />
Programme for<br />
schools and<br />
community groups,<br />
before beginning<br />
the Keep project,<br />
which is funded by<br />
Comic Relief, in<br />
August 2017.<br />
Liz is also a music<br />
graduate and that is<br />
how she unwinds.<br />
C<br />
cchat<br />
is delighted to be interviewing Liz<br />
Gibbons on the Keep Project. One of the<br />
biggest problems facing victims of domestic<br />
abuse is in collecting evidence, especially<br />
where incidents are minor and may not result in<br />
physical injury and this App could well be the<br />
answer.<br />
Where did the idea for the Keep App come from?<br />
My professional history is in the police where you often visit the same<br />
home many times in relation to domestic abuse. The kind of<br />
information you’re asking victims to recall – what day, what time etc –<br />
is so difficult for them to keep a track of; details like that can become a<br />
blur in the trauma of everything else that is happening. The content of<br />
incidents is more readily remembered than the surrounding facts – the<br />
timing and the chronology etc - but these surrounding facts are<br />
powerful, and we wanted to put that power into victims’ hands. We<br />
wanted to design something that would enable them to keep an<br />
accurate record of their own story and in doing so be empowered to<br />
pursue whatever course of help / justice / support they want to.<br />
When you say “we”: who are the Cithrah Foundation?<br />
The Cithrah Foundation is a domestic abuse charity based in<br />
Carrickfergus, Northern Ireland. We have a refuge consisting of selfcontained<br />
apartments with trained support staff on hand providing a<br />
range of services. We also have a drop-in centre at our office, and<br />
offer a counselling, advice and support service free of charge and for<br />
as long as individuals need us. We don’t discriminate in any way – not<br />
according to time or finance, as much as gender, religion, orientation,<br />
age and so on. We are a growing charity and are also seeking to<br />
pioneer the first male refuge in Northern Ireland.<br />
Has the purpose of the Keep evolved since your original idea?<br />
Very much so, it has really grown! We had originally envisaged it as an<br />
App with a mainly evidential purpose, and while it still retains that<br />
benefit at its heart, our research has shown that it has a much wider<br />
and more adaptable purpose. During our research we noticed a clear<br />
difference between the benefits victims envisaged the App as providing<br />
and those the professionals observed: victims spoke of many different<br />
therapeutic and emotional reasons to use the Keep and professionals<br />
saw the evidential, financial, legal and organisational benefits! We<br />
know of counsellors encouraging clients to use the Keep to keep a<br />
record of a range of issues to note changes, improvements, triggers<br />
and so forth. We know of some people using it within neighbour<br />
dispute scenarios, and others to note incidents in their children of<br />
epileptic and autistic episodes to help them monitor behaviour and<br />
changes etc. So as well as primarily empowering victims of domestic<br />
abuse, the Keep is also supporting people in many other situations of<br />
need.<br />
Making The Invisible Visible
"It’s a good way to tell others when words are<br />
difficult – family, friends, counsellor"<br />
"I can express myself openly, in my own words,<br />
without feeling judged "<br />
"It brings truth against the lies like “I’m a<br />
failure…stupid…to blame…weak”<br />
Where did the name come from?<br />
The name has a few significant meanings for us.<br />
A keep is a place of safety - which is close to our<br />
hearts in itself – and furthermore, it is a place of<br />
safety in a castle, and we are based in<br />
Carrickfergus which has a fantastic castle! Also,<br />
the word “keep” means to store, to keep a hold of,<br />
and that is what the App is enabling people to do.<br />
So how does the App work?<br />
What have victims themselves had to say<br />
about using the Keep?<br />
The feedback we have had so far has been really<br />
encouraging; these are some of the comments we<br />
have had about the help it offers:<br />
"It means I don’t have to try and hold the details in<br />
my head"<br />
"I can “release” the need I have to “tell” when<br />
something has happened"<br />
"I want to preserve the facts for my children"<br />
"I need to establish some of my own control"<br />
"It really helps prevent denial / confusion / diluting<br />
of the facts "<br />
"I can measure the journey I’ve already covered<br />
and am encouraged to keep going"<br />
"It gives me some sanity back: “I’m not going<br />
crazy / this isn’t my imagination”<br />
" It brings clarity into the “storm” and that sense of<br />
my mind being messed up"<br />
I have something that he isn’t aware of,<br />
something that’s on my terms not his"<br />
The App appears on a phone as a Reminders<br />
List; we felt this was something universal that can<br />
be personalised to each individual user. On<br />
registration the user is asked to create a “Special<br />
Reminder” – this is effectively their password.<br />
Once they have created the Special Reminder,<br />
whenever they input it into the Reminders List it<br />
will take them to the App itself. Anything else they<br />
input on the list will just be logged on it as a<br />
routine reminder.<br />
The App template is 12 important questions<br />
followed by an area to release feelings and<br />
emotions at the end. Data is stored in encrypted<br />
form and can be inputted by writing or by audio,<br />
and there is the facility to include photos and<br />
videos that do not store in the phone’s gallery. At<br />
the end of an entry data is sent and stored<br />
remotely – always leaving the App template<br />
empty.<br />
An important feature is that data cannot be<br />
returned to the phone once sent away – this is to<br />
preserve the evidential integrity. Additional entries<br />
can be added if necessary, but information cannot<br />
be edited once it has been sent.<br />
Whenever a user wants to read their entries, they<br />
just need to log on the Keep website, then go into<br />
the App and press the button on the bottom right<br />
corner labelled “web passcode”. This generates a<br />
code for them to use as access to their data. The<br />
code lasts 30 seconds, and saves users from<br />
having to remember another password.<br />
Making The Invisible Visible
So is it totally secure?<br />
We are confident that it is discreet and<br />
as secure as we can make it - much<br />
time and care has been invested in<br />
designing the Keep to be both simple<br />
and secure – but we are not claiming<br />
that the App is totally secure. That<br />
would be a very difficult claim to make.<br />
Who is the Keep App suitable for?<br />
Primarily, the Keep has been created<br />
for all victims of domestic abuse – both<br />
those still living with the perpetrator<br />
and those who are not. It is also<br />
adaptable to many other scenarios too<br />
in which people need to keep a careful<br />
log of their own unfolding story.<br />
The Keep App is available<br />
for IOS and Android<br />
Making The Invisible Visible
Defendant Keith Raniere, founder of NXIVM, an alleged cult was<br />
arrested and indicted on a number of charges including sex trafficking<br />
and conspiracy to commit forced labour<br />
His trial is ongoing.<br />
The techniques used by cult leaders to coerce, control and groom are<br />
very similar to the tactics used by domestic abusers.<br />
These techiques are also employed by unscrupulous therapists and<br />
'New Age' healers who gravitate towards women who have just come<br />
out of a relationship.<br />
This is Melissa's* story<br />
*names have been changed.<br />
.<br />
Making The Invisible Visible
“I believe he saw himself as a small town<br />
cult leader, doing women a favour"<br />
melissa's story<br />
“ He told me of his 'service work' that is, all of his free meditation<br />
groups which he insisted would help lift up the vibration of humanity.”<br />
I met Theo* at a Mind Body Spirit Festival. He<br />
was offering Angel card readings and having just<br />
read a book by Doreen Virtue about angels, I was<br />
interested to know more. I can't really remember<br />
much of what he said as the venue was loud and<br />
the acoustics were bad. He was very softly<br />
spoken, so I struggled to hear. Theo had a habit<br />
of holding his hands together, palms touching, in<br />
the prayer position, it gave him an air of humility<br />
and made me slightly less uncomfortable that he<br />
was sitting very close to me. I could feel the<br />
warmth of his breath and I found this unnerving,<br />
so was reluctant to ask him to speak up but, after<br />
the reading, I still took his card and left.<br />
I had come to the festival with some girlfriends<br />
who were really into 'New Age' stuff like crystals<br />
and card readings, and they raved about the<br />
event, how it had energised them, how 'deep' it<br />
was and how it had raised their vibrations but, at<br />
that point, I was still undecided about the whole<br />
experience.<br />
Not long after, my relationship broke up. I had<br />
found out that my boyfriend of four years had<br />
cheated with more than one woman and the<br />
betrayal devastated me. Having reached 'rock<br />
bottom', I remembered I still had Theo's card and<br />
rang him to book a 'Crystal Healing' treatment.<br />
I couldn't really tell you much about the session as<br />
I dozed off. He had told me to fight off any urge to<br />
fall asleep and suppress any urge to cough or<br />
sneeze but I hadn't slept in several days, was<br />
exhausted and could not stay awake.<br />
At the begining of the 'treatment' he had asked me<br />
to fill in a comprehensive form that asked all kinds<br />
of questions about my personal life, my medical<br />
history, even questions such as whether or not i<br />
had had an abortion. Looking back, I remember<br />
feeling uncomfortable but I was desperate to stop<br />
feeling this aching grief so I put all feelings of<br />
doubt aside.<br />
After the session, he suggested I choose some<br />
crystals which would help continue the work that<br />
he started. He had identified some negative<br />
energy and told me to be guided by my intuition<br />
as it would know which crystals to choose, and<br />
also that I make another appoinment so he could<br />
'cut the cords' between me and my ex. Theo told<br />
me that, at some level, he and I were still attached<br />
and that it was preventing me from healing and<br />
moving on.<br />
I didn't' really understand. It was all very 'far out'<br />
for me but I had slept and reasoned that it was<br />
worth booking another session just for the sleep.<br />
The next time I arrived at his shop, he told me he<br />
had a cancellation and so, if I had extra time, we<br />
could have a cup of tea and have a chat as<br />
knowing a little more about me would enable him<br />
to give me a much better 'treatment'.<br />
I thought this was incredibly generous of him and<br />
interpreted it as his commitment towards helping<br />
others. This was further confirmed when he told<br />
me of his 'service work' that is, all of his free<br />
meditation groups which he insisted would help lift<br />
up the vibration of humanity.<br />
Making The Invisible Visible
By the time I had finished my tea, I had told him<br />
all about my relationship breakup and he had told<br />
me of how, in all of his past relationships, he had<br />
been cheated on. At the time, I thought he was<br />
extremely unlucky and was actually grateful that I<br />
had only been in one relationship like that. I asked<br />
Theo if he had ever cheated and he told me he<br />
hadn't but his ex wives thought that, because he<br />
was always surrounded by women and they were<br />
always phoning him, he must have, but he<br />
assured me that he was helping the women on<br />
their journey on the 'Ascension Path' and that it<br />
was his obligation to maintain a soul connection<br />
with each of them.<br />
As Theo spoke, I too was starting to feel a<br />
connection. He was trusting me with his personal<br />
information and I was flattered that he felt he<br />
could open up to me like this. His experiences<br />
also seemed to put my troubles into perspective<br />
and made me feel guity for seeming so selfish.<br />
The second ‘ treatment ‘ was very different to the<br />
first. He kept telling me to 'stay in the moment' as<br />
he chanted out strange names that he later told<br />
me were 'Ascended Masters'. He held a quartz<br />
pendulum over me to 'dowse'.<br />
When the session ended, it suddenly got very<br />
dark. Theo told me that he had been repairing<br />
some tears in my 'etheric field'. I didn't know what<br />
that meant but he proceeded to tell me about my<br />
various past lives. What struck me was how<br />
gruesome it was. In one past life, my hand had<br />
been chopped off for stealing bread for my family,<br />
in another, I had been killed by a ruler who had<br />
feared my healing power. I had also been buried<br />
alive, witnessed my soulmate and children being<br />
murdered and been cast out of society.<br />
The only positive thing that came out of looking at<br />
my past lives was that I had been a powerful<br />
healer. Everything else was a mass of violence,<br />
betrayal and despair. I was incredibly upset, felt<br />
as though my whole existence was doomed and<br />
broke down in tears but, I had already been at<br />
Theo's shop for several hours and needed to get<br />
home so I left in great distress.<br />
The next day, Theo rang me to ask how I was. He<br />
told me that I had an extraordinary soul and an<br />
exceptionally high vibration and that once I had<br />
learnt my past-life lessons, I would have a magical<br />
life full of abundance and joy. I had spent the<br />
night crying as I had felt so low so this was good<br />
to hear. It was certainly better than what I had<br />
envisaged for myself. Determined to stop my past<br />
life from repeating itself, I booked a third session<br />
with Theo.<br />
Making The Invisible Visible
Theo told me that, if I was comfortable, I could<br />
place the crystal phallus inside my underwear but<br />
I wasn't. We continued the 'treatment' with him<br />
once again calling on the 'Ascended Masters.'<br />
A few days later, Theo rang me to say a crystal<br />
had come into the shop and he felt that I would be<br />
drawn to it. I went to take a look. It was a beautiful<br />
geode and cost £470. I told him that it was way<br />
too much but he told me to take it home and<br />
connect with it, saying I could bring it back, if I<br />
didn't want it. He told me that once I had taken the<br />
crystal home, I would not want to be without it and<br />
that money was not an issue as he saw a life of<br />
abundance for me.<br />
I was taken aback by his generosity and asked<br />
him if he was worried I’d steal it. He told me he<br />
had seen inside my soul and we had connected<br />
on a spiritual level so it was all good.<br />
This time, when I arrived at his shop, Theo was<br />
with another woman. He introduced me as his<br />
friend and told her about my exceptionally high<br />
vibration and my potentia as a great healer.<br />
She was really excited and promptly told me that I<br />
had a wonderful aura, before hugging me and<br />
telling me how blessed she was to have met me.<br />
She then hugged Theo, who then hugged me. To<br />
an outsider, it must have looked as though we<br />
had known each other for years.<br />
The next day I paid him money I had put aside for<br />
my rent. Looking back, I now realise that was the<br />
point at which he "owned" me. I had invested a<br />
huge amount of money I could not afford into<br />
something that I now could not afford to fail.<br />
It suddenly reminded me of all those pyramid<br />
schemes selling water filters and the like, where<br />
an initial investement was needed to travel up the<br />
rung. I put that thought to one side.Theo didn’t<br />
want me to sell water filters. He told me that I was<br />
on this earth to heal people ,that it was my higher<br />
calling. If it didn't work out, I could always sell the<br />
geode to someone else, I reasoned, it was a<br />
win;win.<br />
“The next day I paid him money I had put aside for my rent.<br />
Looking back, I now realise that was the point at which he "owned" me.”<br />
for this 'treatment', Theo told me I needed to learn<br />
certain karmic lessons or else I would always end<br />
with someone who would cheat on me. He once<br />
again he told me of the many women who had<br />
cheated on him and how he understood my pain. I<br />
felt a huge surge of warmth towards him and<br />
wanted to hug him but didn't.<br />
I once again lay down on the massage table as<br />
Theo talked about chakras and energy points<br />
whilst placing several crystals on me. He then<br />
pulled out a velvet pouch and pulled out a rose<br />
quartz phallus. He told me it would help heal any<br />
sexual hang-ups that could be responsible for me<br />
making poor relationship choices, before placing<br />
the phallus on my pubic bone.<br />
Theo sent me lots of texts. He had a very<br />
particular style of corresponding.Certain words<br />
would always be in capital letters, words like:<br />
Healing, Love, Blessings, Light, Energy, Higher<br />
Self, Universe. I soon realised that he also talked<br />
like that- using the inflections in his voice-to<br />
denote some kind of deeper meaning. He got me<br />
to sign up to one of his crystal healing courses.<br />
Yet more money, but I was on the train and it<br />
hadn’t yet arrived at my destination. The course<br />
would be held over a weekend.<br />
The night before the course, Theo rang to tell me<br />
how much he was looking forward to teaching and<br />
working with me. He suggested that I place my<br />
geode at the foot of my bed in order to absorb the<br />
healing energy in preparation for the next day.<br />
Making The Invisible Visible
Once again, he placed the crystal on my pubic<br />
bone. I was much more uninhibited than before,<br />
so placed it inside my underwear. What followed<br />
next seems vague. Maybe because it was the first<br />
time I was stoned, I don’t know, but he looked<br />
straight into my eyes and told me that, for the<br />
treatment to work fully, I would need to have sex<br />
with someone other than my ex. I remember<br />
laughingly telling him I wasn’t in the mood to trawl<br />
the streets looking for someone to have sex with<br />
me. At that point, he kissed me. We ended up<br />
having sex and I stayed the night.<br />
The following day was the second day of the<br />
healing course and we spent it smoking weed,<br />
looking at crystals and having sex. It was the start<br />
of a relationship that would last several<br />
weeks.Theo told me I was his 'soul mate', his 'twin<br />
flame'. He knew as soon as he saw me. He saw a<br />
future for us, working together to raise the<br />
vibration of the universe.<br />
As soon as I arrived at his shop,Theo told me he<br />
had 2 cancellations, so I was his only client. I<br />
offered to go home, but he insisted on teaching<br />
me so that I would be ready to work with him<br />
sooner.<br />
The first day ended at around 5.00. It was<br />
interesting but intense as much of what he said<br />
was new to me. Theo asked me if I had any<br />
questions so he made a cup of tea and we talked,<br />
as we ate the left over sandwiches.<br />
My training consisted of working in Theo's shop.<br />
He wanted me to fee accustomed to the various<br />
energies emitted by the different crystals and it<br />
seemed like a good way of increasing my<br />
knowledge, except, that he never paid me. At the<br />
time, I was happy to work for free. We were in a<br />
relationship, I reasoned, and it had never entered<br />
my thoughts that he could be exploiting me.<br />
It never occured to me until afterwards. I now<br />
realise that even though we were supposedly in a<br />
relationship, he was still charging me retail for the<br />
crystals. Looking back, I was never paid for any<br />
work I did and he encouraged me to spend money<br />
I did not have on crystals I did not need.<br />
“He also told me that the best way to break my bonds with my ex<br />
and stop me being drawn to bad relationships<br />
was to use the rose quartz crystal phallus.”<br />
At one point, Theo got up and asked if I wanted a<br />
'Bud'. I automatically assumed he meant a beer<br />
so I accepted but, he returned carrying a joint. It<br />
was my first time smoking cannabis and I became<br />
woozy and giggly. Theo told me how cannabis<br />
helps people connect with their 'Higher Self'. He<br />
suggested we meditate.<br />
With my new-found knowledge of the properties of<br />
the crystas, I was keen to choose the stones.He<br />
showed me another crystal phallus and told me<br />
that the best way to break my bonds with my ex<br />
and stop me being drawn to bad relationships was<br />
to use it both in my mediation.<br />
I giggled, out of embarrassment but was also very<br />
relaxed and so I allowed him to lead me to<br />
his massage couch.<br />
The relationship, if I can call it that, ended<br />
suddenly. I was at the supermarket one day and a<br />
woman came up to me asking if I was Theo's<br />
latest conquest. Taken aback by her manner, I<br />
lied and said 'no'.<br />
The woman told me she was glad as he had a<br />
reputation of drawing in women who had recently<br />
become divorced or single by claiming they were<br />
natural healers, sleeping with them and getting<br />
them to work in his shop for free. I asked her how<br />
she knew and she told me that she had been one<br />
of the women, and so had her daughter. I felt sick<br />
to the stomach and stupid, really, really stupid. I<br />
made my excuses to leave.<br />
Theo never heard from me again.<br />
Making The Invisible Visible
Since meeting that woman, I have come across<br />
several other women who have shared a similar<br />
experience and it has left me highly sceptical of<br />
the 'New Age' scene.<br />
Theo, and he is by far not the only one, surrounds<br />
himself with groups of women who all seem to<br />
believe he is some kind of 'Higher Vibrational<br />
Being'. Many have also worked in his shop or<br />
attended festivals with him whilst he has plied<br />
them with free crystals and drugs.<br />
Being surrounded by all these women also gives<br />
a false impression that he is trustworthy and safe<br />
whereas I now realise he is a sexual predator who<br />
preys on women looking for answers to a better<br />
life, finding a soulmate or to ease their pain.<br />
He reminds me of an esoteric Pied Piper, using<br />
shiny stones to lure his prey and the more I think<br />
about it, the more convinced I am that Theo sees<br />
himself as some kind of cult leader, albeit on a<br />
much more provincial scale.<br />
He even talks the language of cults:<br />
*Portals<br />
*Transformation<br />
*Activation<br />
*Consciousness<br />
*Reprogramming<br />
*Enlightenment.<br />
All designed to draw in women looking for<br />
answers. With Theo, there is also an obsession<br />
with phallic objects like the crystals and wands<br />
and, what worries me most, is how the recently<br />
bereaved, victims of abuse and rape, the newly<br />
divorced, newly single or terminally ill will<br />
invariably come into contact with him and there is<br />
nothing to stop Theo and other unscrupulous and<br />
exploitative people like him.<br />
How many people has he offered a joint to,before<br />
telling them that the best way of ridding<br />
themselves of the ties of past relationships is to<br />
have sex with someone else?<br />
It worries me that preys on the vulnerable.<br />
It worries me a lot.<br />
Making The Invisible Visible
Recognizing manipulative or unethical behaviours in a psychic,<br />
healer or spiritual teacher<br />
1) They flatter you by claiming you have some unique gift.<br />
2) You are expected to part with often quite substantial sums, to develop<br />
that gift.<br />
3) They can blow hot or cold. Really attentive one minute and distant and<br />
dismissive the next. This is to ensure you become trauma bonded to them.<br />
4) There is often a need to change your habits and diet which can leave<br />
you disoriented and confused.<br />
5) They claim to have some kind of connection with you.<br />
6) They very quickly introduce you to other people who put them on a<br />
pedestal, to convince you they are more special than they really are.<br />
7) They discourage opinion.This is reinforced by the fact that everyone in<br />
their group has exactly the same beliefs.<br />
8) They disparage and will undermine the credibility of any other healers<br />
or advocates who are performing similar work.<br />
9) They seek out survivors who are desperate to heal.<br />
10) They are not afraid to look into your eyes and claim they can see into<br />
your soul.<br />
11)They purposely push the boundaries to guage your reaction.<br />
Making The Invisible Visible
Cath Kane<br />
Director<br />
Broad Cairn Associates<br />
M: 07795 077728<br />
www.broadcairnassociates.com<br />
Making The Invisible Visible
Cath Kane<br />
founder of Broad Cairn<br />
Broad Cairn can<br />
be found in the<br />
Cairngorm<br />
Mountains in<br />
Scotland.<br />
The word ‘cairn’<br />
comes from the<br />
Scottish Gaelic,<br />
and means a<br />
trail-marker,<br />
especially<br />
important in<br />
hostile<br />
territories.<br />
They are built by<br />
those who have<br />
the courage and<br />
sense of<br />
adventure, to<br />
mark out new<br />
pathways.<br />
C<br />
aring<br />
for the Carers:<br />
Building Resilience<br />
In 2015 the Guardian commissioned a survey looking into the impact of<br />
working in public services on staff. The survey found that 93% of<br />
respondents ‘feel stressed at work all, some, or a lot of the time; those<br />
working in jobs ranging from social work to police and probation, social<br />
housing to the NHS, civil service and charities’. The headline for the<br />
article read ‘stressed, angry and demonised: council staff in austerity<br />
Britain’ acknowledging that local government workers are feeling the<br />
emotional strain of maintaining services with diminishing resources.<br />
This raises the question; how can we build resilience in organisations<br />
that support staff to effectively meet the ever-increasing demands of<br />
delivering frontline services? Those of us who work or have worked in<br />
local government and voluntary sector organisations, will have<br />
experienced the pressures to deliver on national government policies<br />
while offering appropriate, accessible services at local level that meet<br />
the needs of our communities and service users. Localisation has<br />
allowed local authorities to define their own priorities based on<br />
community need. However, this has created challenges when<br />
implementing national priorities such as changes in legislation to<br />
address coercive control and psychological violence.<br />
How can we ensure consistency in information, advocacy and support<br />
when there may be gaps in services at local level? Austerity may have<br />
reduced budgets, but the social issues they address have not reduced.<br />
Most professionals working in the public sector and specialist third<br />
sector are overwhelmed by demand. That demand for services is often<br />
increased with successful public awareness campaigns, landmark<br />
legal changes and political re-prioritisation. Welcomed as many of<br />
these changes may be, for managers and staff responsible for<br />
delivering change, the task may seem impossible at times.<br />
Having managed a diverse range of teams, projects and partnerships<br />
over the last thirty years, here are 3 things for senior managers to<br />
consider when supporting your teams. 1. Build self-care strategies into<br />
systems, processes and team conversations: this is an important<br />
strategy to reduce stress and build resilience in your service. This also<br />
embeds trauma-informed principles into organisational structure 2.<br />
Foster control rather than dependency: if you can foster this in your<br />
teams, then workers will be more able to authentically mirror this with<br />
service users and recognise techniques to enable empowerment 3.<br />
Foster a sense of trust: this allows staff to develop confidence and<br />
reduces the stress of ‘getting it wrong’. In turn this can help staff build<br />
positive relationships with service users, which is central to<br />
understanding and managing risk.<br />
Making The Invisible Visible
“There is huge gap between what we believe<br />
and respond to as a domestic violence crime,<br />
and the lived reality of battered women and<br />
their children.”<br />
Professor Evan Stark<br />
Making The Invisible Visible
JENNIFER, 42 is an animated<br />
documentary feature film that tells the<br />
true story of Jennifer Magnano, a<br />
suburban mom of three, and her<br />
journey through a 15-year brutally<br />
abusive marriage, the family's daring<br />
escape, and their battle to be free from<br />
the coercive control and violence of<br />
husband and father, Scott.<br />
The film is voiced by Jennifer's<br />
children–Jessica, David, and<br />
Emily–along with Jennifer’s best<br />
friend Tracy, and experts who were<br />
directly involved in the case.<br />
To find out more:<br />
www.jennifer42movie.com<br />
Making The Invisible Visible