Kingdom University

MICHAEL STEPHENSON
KINGDOM UNIVERSITY
THE BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO COLLEGE SURVIVAL

MICHAEL STEPHENSON
KINGDOM UNIVERSITY
THE BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO COLLEGE SURVIVAL
© copyright 2016

THE
WORKERS

Eagles
The Power
Couple
Eagles are skilled hunters that are high on the food chain.
These birds are monogamous lovers that only want to
attract one mate. Their courtship involves an aerial show
full of diving and locking talons. Since eagles are family
oriented, once the eggs hatch, the parents care deeply for
their young until they are ready to leave the nest and set out
on their own.
The Power Couple is the Michelle and Barack of the
campus. These lovebirds are hard working, active in the
campus community, and earn great grades all while dating
their best friend. These couples can be seen around campus
holding hands, but they aren’t gropers like the octopi. When
these noble creatures are in the visual eye they are focused
on success and building one another up, not making out
with each other in front of the book store. Many couples
strive to have a relationship like the Power Couple, but not
everyone can be Beyoncé and Jay Z.
4. The Workers

Barn Owl
The Night Owl
This nocturnal creature does most of its activity at night.
Night hours are reserved for its best work, which includes
hunting prey, such as rodents, fish, insects, and other birds.
Out of the many types of owls, the Barn Owl can best detect
exactly where a sound comes from in pitch darkness. These
majestic birds flourish in the night, just like The Night Owl.
College campuses are havens for Night Owls. Like Barn
Owls, Night Owls get some of their best work done at night.
These students stay awake until 3 or 4 am completing their
best papers, online tests, and group projects, which, as
you know, fall on the most responsible student in the pack.
They can be found burning the midnight oil in dorm rooms,
libraries, common areas, and even, outside. No matter the
hour, you never want to sneak up and startle a night owl
since they are often agitated and may lash out. Keep in
mind that not all Night Owls stay up late doing homework.
Some stay awake to drink, smoke, fornicate, or simply hang
out. Warning: Though they may appear harmless, always
take precaution when approaching an animal that lacks sleep.
5. The Workers

Gorilla
The Gym Rat
Gorillas are the largest living primates with males standing
at about 5.5 feet tall and weighing about 300-400 pounds,
and females standing at approximately five feet tall and
weighing 200 pounds. As one of the strongest animals in
the kingdom, a gorilla can seem quite intimidating since it
can lift up to eight times as much as a human. Like all large
primates, the gorilla’s arms are longer than their legs, so
they knuckle walk. Because of knuckle walking the gorilla’s
curled hands bear most of their weight.
The Gym Rat eats, lives, and breathes the gym. They
care a lot about their physique and physical health. Since
the gym is their second home, The Gym Rat can be found
bench-pressing 200-pound weights and flexing in the
mirror when working on their form. Gym Rats are known
to occasionally skip leg day, because they primarily value
upper body strength. If you ever see a gym rat during your
workout, they may approach and give you tips on your
flawed form. Don’t be annoyed because often times they
are right and are great motivators when it is time to work off
that freshman 15. From afar, a gym rat can resemble a gorilla
because their arms may appear much larger than their legs.
Warning: Don’t be alarmed when you hear grunting and
yelling at the gym, it is most likely a Gym Rat maxing out.
8. The Workers

Cheetah
The College
Athlete
The Cheetah is the world’s fastest land animal. These
animals have great eyesight, which allows them to detect
prey from far away. Due to its large heart, massive lungs,
and muscular steering-wheel-like tail, the Cheetah can
accelerate up to 70 miles per hour within just three seconds.
However, the down side to reaching such high speed is the
amount of recovery time. The Cheetah needs a lot of resting
time before it can hunt again, and if the creature fails to
make a catch during its strike, then it has to rest and try
again much later.
The athlete is one of the strongest and most disciplined
species in the animal kingdom. Often times, The College
Athlete has morning and night practices during playing
season. Like the Cheetah, The College Athlete may lose a
game or match, but they keep practicing to win the second
time around. They also need a lot of recovery time after
every sporting event, and usually class is when they catch
up on some well-needed zzzzs.
9. The Workers

THE
PARTIERS

Lemur
The Pothead
Lemurs are fanatics for millipedes, because of the defensive
toxins released from the insect when they are squeezed. The
lemur bites on the millipedes and spreads the toxins all over
its fur to prevent malaria-carrying mosquitos. However, the
toxin causes the creature to enter a blissful state. Once the
lemur has finish absorbing the narcotic like substance they
normally take a generous rest so they can recover.
Potheads can be found in many different avenues among
campus grounds from fraternity row to the makeshift rap
studio in your friend’s dorm. Depending on their generosity,
The Pothead may offer you some weed, but only when it’s
your first time smoking with them. After that, expect them
to charge. These creatures may turn their supply into an
edible, or a baked good that contains weed, such as weed
brownies. When cannabis is involved, The Pothead becomes
philosophical and enlightened by the most mundane things.
Like the Lemur, The Pothead must rest after smoking.
Warning: Don’t smoke, (unless you’re in Colorado) but if you
are going to smoke never do it on campus.
14. The Partiers

Fruit Bat
The Good Drunk
Fruit bats have large eyes that help them fly through thick
forests, dark caves, and navigate during late hours. In
addition to their keen eyesight, these creatures have wide
wingspans that can reach up to five feet. These animals
consume fermented fruit regularly, which gives them the
feeling of being buzzed. But, these drunken flyers’ high
metabolism allows them to fly and operate as if they were
simply drinking water. Essentially, they know how to handle
their liquor.
In college, students will attend the best and the worst
parties of their lives. However sometimes most of the
fun may happen at the pregame. A pregame is a social
gathering where students assemble to drink excessively
before a party. This common ritual can best be related to
a drunken watering hole, and you are bound to meet The
Good Drunk at these gatherings. This character may sound
like a party pooper but they aren’t. They always guarantee
drunken fun appropriate for the situation. Their best quality
appears when things go south at parties, because they are
the ones that stop you from crossing a busy street or calls
the Uber when it’s clear you’ve have enough. Every great
friend group needs one of these creatures as a member,
because for every Good Drunk there are 5 bad ones.
15. The Partiers

Waxing Bird
The Bad Drunk
Native to Canada and the United States, the Bohemian
Waxing bird loves to eat berries. But these are no ordinary
fruits. Not only do these berries provide substance and
energy, but they also supply an alternative state of mind,
due to their overripe condition. Since their favorite fruit is
intoxicating, Bohemian Waxing birds have oversized livers
giving them a high tolerance. But since the bohemian
waxing bird often overindulges in berries, they still get very
drunk. So drunk that they fly into trees, windows, and other
objects, resulting in their ultimate demise.
The Bad drunk is the life of the party, at least while
they’re still coherent. Generally, these creatures are the
ones who yell “shots” as soon as they enter a party. Often
times these beings are already drunk by the time they
arrive to the main event because they chugged too many
beers at the pregame. On a bad day, they are passed out
at the pregame spot and don’t even make it to the main
event. As an instigator of peer pressure, these fun drinkers
are constantly pushing drinks onto other people. Like the
Bohemian Waxing bird, The Bad Drunk has a high tolerance,
but they always exceed their limits. Warning: The Bad Drunk
is also known for running into people and walls, stumbling,
falling, slurred speech, hooking up, vomiting, dancing
excessively, and brutal honesty, so always be on the watch.
18. The Partiers

Reindeer
The Druggy
Reindeers are known for seeking out hallucinogenic fungi
to escape the dull winter months. After eating a great
deal of these mushrooms, reindeer enter an altered state
of consciousness. Maybe Santa should think twice about
letting these animals guide his sled.
Druggies enjoy themselves 50 percent of the time when
they have entered an altered state of mind after taking
drugs like LSD, acid, ecstasy, shrooms, and Molly. They can
be found dancing, singing, conversing, staring and doing
a myriad of other random activities with strangers. Found
at raves and dark alleys, Druggies are often confused with
The Pothead, but there is a difference. Unlike The Pothead,
The Druggy is known for doing an excessive amount of
various illegal drugs, whereas The Pothead only smokes
weed. Many Druggies feel they have to take drugs to have
the typical college experience. Unfortunately, they spend a
lot of time recovering from the side effects of these brainaltering
narcotics. College is an exciting time, but you don’t
need drugs to make it fun.
19. The Partiers

THE
OUTSIDERS

Jaguar
The Loner
Perching on a tree for hours and observing the environment
is one of The Jaguar’s favorite pastimes. The Jaguar is
amongst the largest big cats of South America. These
ruthless predators live and hunt alone and mark their
territory for many miles by clawing trees and spraying their
waste. Unlike other big cats, the Jaguar is not afraid of the
water and often uses the water to its advantage. These
creatures prey on large animals that are drawn to watering
holes such as deer, peccaries, capybaras, and tapirs.
The Loner can be quite mysterious and unafraid.
Perching in the corner and reading your personality like a
book is The Loner’s frequent pastime. While these students
are great at reading situations they avoid getting involved
unless it pertains to them or someone’s general well being.
This creature is usually alone whether at the dining hall or at
a college party. One thing that you should know about these
majestic creatures is that they are not afraid of competition
or confrontation no matter what species is approaching.
They often are comprised of many hidden talents that you
would never expect them to possess because they are
cloaked in mystery.
23. The Outsiders

Spider
The Artsy Kid
Spiders are known for their intricate and elaborate webs
that serve as living quarters, which also trap their meals.
Often times stunning, these webs range from unique and
elaborate to nearly transparent. Other times, they are
massive and span entire trees. These eight-legged arachnids
are very creative and adapt their webs to their environments.
The Artsy Kid can be extremely boisterous, outrageously
timid, or strangely weird, but no matter the personality,
they are always creative. The spider and The Artsy Kid share
many creative and innovative characteristics. These students
are often jacks of many trades when it involves any element
of the arts, from photography, animation, graphic design,
to illustrating. Because of their classes and devotion to the
arts, they are forced to carry around huge drawing pads
that can be seen from miles away. They are easy to spot in
class, because their notes are covered in doodles that are
practically masterpieces. Similar to the spider, The Artsy
Kid’s work traps their fancy off-campus meals—if they are
good enough to sell their class projects.
26. The Outsiders

Mole
The Gamer
This odd creature is rarely seen due to its busy schedule
underground. The mole is constantly creating and moving
through tunnels and chambers. Their high metabolisms and
high-energy diets keep them on the move. On average,
moles eat 70%-100% of their body weight! That’s a lot of
food. In the winter and summer, moles bury themselves
deep into the ground. In the spring and fall, when the
ground is wet, they are most active near the earth’s surface
and occasionally, take a quick peak above the ground.
The Gamer is one of the rarest creatures at the university.
They spend a plethora of hours playing video games
non-stop. Their games are often made priority over their
schoolwork and social life. Like the mole, in their minds,
gamers are busy bodies. They see their passion for gaming
as a necessity and not as a hobby as they move through
each level methodically and swiftly. When the weather
is nice, The Gamer may leave the nest for some fresh air
or food. You can gain a Gamer’s friendship by discussing
games like World of Warcraft, Call of Duty, and Assassin’s
Creed, but be prepared to rattle off technical strategies for
beating each level and details about your favorite character.
Always remember they are solitary animals so even if you
connect with them you may not hear from them for many
months, but they will be sure to add you on Xbox Live,
which makes you best of friends.
27. The Outsiders

Vulture
The Creep
Vultures are world-renowned stalkers that monitor the
feeding habits of top predators. Once a top-of-the-foodchain
animal has made a deadly catch, the vulture is quickly
on the scene. Vultures cannot scare the large predators away,
but they can scare other stalking animals. These aggressive
birds love the taste of a fresh carcass, but they must wait
patiently if the top predator is not finished with their meal.
Creeps, usually male, are students of very few words,
who use their eyes to do most of their talking. Like the
vulture, the creep is great at stalking and making others
feel uncomfortable. You can find creeps in dimly lit corners
at parties, dark alleys, the back of classrooms, and in your
DMs—direct message on Instagram. Not to be confused
with the socially awkward, creeps are eerily weird, often
perverted, and possess sexual intent. Warning: Female
students should always walk with a friend at night or call
campus police to escort you to your destination.
30. The Outsiders

THE
FLIRTS

Queen Bee
The Promiscuous Girl
The Queen Bee is the most important insect in the hive.
Without her the colony would collapse. She lays many
eggs and produces chemical scents that regulate the unity
of the colony. Choosing the queen is a process based on
appearance and body development. To be the queen, you
must be the largest female bee with fully developed ovaries.
When reproducing, the queen chooses any male she wants
and mates as many times as she wants. Directly after mating
with one male, the queen bee can allow another to mount
her because she’s the boss. However, the queen cannot
reign forever and is replaced if she flits to another hive or
gets too old to reproduce.
While Nelly Furtado taught us a lot about the
Promiscuous Girl you will learn a plethora of things about
these fascinating creatures in college. The Promiscuous
Girl is usually beautiful and often finds a second home in
fraternity row and athlete dormitories. Majority of males
are captivated by The Promiscuous Girl’s pulchritude so she
chooses often, but not always wisely. Known for getting
around, a small segment of males are turned off by her
reputation, but most are turned on. She’s the boss of her
sexuality and seems to regulate the unity of the colony of
savage college boys. Near the end of their junior year, these
creatures begin to slow down in search for a serious mate.
33. The Flirts

Hyena
The Player
The spotted hyena is a polygamous creature. Females
normally dominate a cackle of hyenas; therefore the male
gets to mate with numerous females throughout the group.
While many of the females may reject him, he still breeds
with many of the remaining hyenas in the pack.
The Player is a male creature that knows how to use his
words and body language to seduce a female. Smooth pick
up lines and sexual gestures do not work on all females,
however, some fall victim to the charm. They only have one
thing on their mind and that is sex. Like the spotted hyena,
the males have many mating partners. You can often detect
a Player by watching their eyes to see how many females
they undress with them. They are usually wearing too much
cologne, but their swag is quite palpable. Warning: Ladies,
make sure he wraps it up and do not hook up with these
guys unless you strictly want a one-night stand.
36. The Flirts

Octopi
The Touchy
Couple
Octopi slide in and out of very tight spaces because they do
not have hard bones. When these sea creatures mate, the
male inserts his hectocotylus arm, a modified tentacle with
rows of sperm, into the female’s mantle cavity. Depending
on how receptive the female is mating can last for hours or
just a few minutes. Sometimes the female octopus will drag
the male octopus across the ocean floor while they are still
mating, because of her enjoyment. The males are protective
of their female companion before and during the mating
process, so they show off their largest sucker disks to any
competing males.
Even if you do not directly come in contact with a
Touchy Couple, you have definitely seen one in public.
These are the creatures that cannot keep their hands off
of one another. They can be seen sitting on one another’s
laps, kissing, calling each other “pookie” or “sugarface.”
And if you are lucky, you can even catch them groping one
another. They often think their affection is not annoying,
however many awkward bystanders would rather die than
be in their presence. The “rolls eyes” emoji generally comes
to mind when you see them holding hands or purring at one
another. Warning: Never go anywhere alone with a Touchy
Couple you will be uncomfortable.
37. The Flirts

THE
LOUD
MOUTHS

Elephant
The Old Student
Longevity is something elephants possess. The average
lifespan for these large beasts is 60-70 years old. Elephants
are known for their wisdom, knowledge, and cautiousness.
These animals are always protecting members of their fellow
herd, and they are known for paying close attention to their
surroundings. Although these creatures are known as gentle
giants they are not afraid to get loud and irate.
In college, you will encounter The Old Student. This
creature constantly asks the professor numerous questions
that are obvious or questions that no one cares about.
These are generally the only students that read the entire
syllabus on the first day of class and remind the professor
about homework throughout the semester. The Old Student
also has a reputation of holding up the class with their
obsessive cautiousness. Sometimes students in the class
can tell the professor is annoyed with the Old Student’s
meticulous questions. These creatures have keen insight on
the world and are very interesting, but know that you will be
in class for the entire period if an Old Student is present.
41. The Loud Mouths

Howler
Monkey
The Yeller
The Howler Monkey, one of the largest monkeys in the
Central and South American tropics, grows up to two to
three feet and ranges from eight to twenty-two pounds.
Their booming howls match their hefty stature. This howl
can be heard from three miles away because of these
animal’s large throats, and shell like vocal chambers. Every
dusk and dawn, the howler monkeys cry out to warn other
monkeys that the territory is occupied and the food belongs
to them. Their screech also scares away harmful predators;
you could say its bark is worse than its bite.
No matter where you are, class, the library, the dining
hall, a rave, or half asleep in your bed, you can always
hear The Yeller. While this creature is equipped with many
skills, using an inside voice is not one of them. Never sit
beside the Yeller in class because they cannot whisper when
answering your pressing question. Like the boisterous cry of
the howler monkey, The Yeller’s voice is often heard anytime
of the day. That is why you are more likely to hear a Yeller
before you see it. Sometimes these loud beings don’t even
realize they are yelling, but a gentle reminder normally
quiets them for at most a minute.
44. The Loud Mouths

Rhino
The Hothead
The rhino is ranked as one of the most aggressive animals
on the face of the earth. Like other mammals, these
creatures mark their territory by urinating on near by trees
and bushes. When a challenging rhino comes into their
territory, they will battle head to head for control of the
area. Many rhinos die or suffer grave injuries during these
aggressive brawls. Not only are rhinos aggressive when
others threaten their territory, but also when they feel
surprised, nervous, and angry.
The Hothead is a student that explodes with anger
extremely quickly. Like the Rhino, these creatures often
turn aggressive when they are nervous, threatened, angry,
or surprised. There are no easy signs to tell if someone is a
hothead. Hotheads will explode about trivial things and they
are always ready to fight and defend themselves and their
friends. Warning: Do not stand to close to a Hothead when
they are in the zone. You may become injured, due to their
erratic and hostile movements.
45. The Loud Mouths

Crocodile
The Cutthroat
The crocodile has the strongest bite of any animal recorded
by man. These large reptilians can slam their jaws shut with
3,700 pounds per square inch (psi), or 16,460 newtons,
of bite force. Stronger than the great white shark’s, the
crocodile bite is used to catch fish, birds, and land animals
that approach the edge of the water, such as wildebeest,
gazelles, and, zebras. Unlike many predators, the crocodile
does not eat their prey alive. They use their massive jaws
to grab the prey and drown them underwater.
The Cutthroat is fearless because they say whatever is
on their mind. Being with the Cutthroat is reminiscent of a
Tale of Two Cities, “it was the best of times, it was the worst
of times…” It is the best of times when they notoriously
say exactly what everyone is thinking, but no one has the
moxie to say it. It is the worst of times when they tell you
their unsolicited opinion and it is not what you want to
hear. Whether they should be praised for shutting down a
liar or scolded for being tactless, their words always bite.
Remember, they never eat their prey alive so by the time
you are in their jaws, it is too late to respond.
48. The Loud Mouths

THE
SOCIALLY
INEPT

Peacock
The Showoff
Peacocks and peahens are some of the shallowest species
in the animal kingdom. When pursuing a mate, the peacock
approaches a female, a peahen, and displays his beautiful
iridescent feathers. Zoologists believe that the females want
a mate that will have the best genes for their offspring, and
the bigger the feathers the better the genes.
The Showoff loves flaunting different aspects of their
lives—their bodies, travels, and wealth. Unafraid of being
pretentious or making you feel like less of a person, The
Showoff is most concerned with making everyone jealous.
Unlike the peacock, The Showoff can be male or female.
These students are infamous for using social media filters
and photo editing tools to look more glamorous, and to
give the illusion that they live the most exciting life. They
may receive an astronomical amount of “likes” on an
Instagram selfie, but remember it’s a facade. This species
can be a good time if you are allured to the flashing lights,
but if you prefer backstage, I would advise you to
stay away from the peacock.
51. The Socially Inept

Meerkat
The Dodge
Meerkats are great escape artist, which allows them to avoid
predators. These furry creatures belong to the mongoose
family and their ability to create a system of complex
underground tunnels allows them to hop quickly into their
borrows where larger animals cannot reach. Before they play
offense these mammals have a detailed defense.
The Dodge is a person that purposely avoids making
eye contact, saying hello, or having a conversation with
someone. Like the meerkat, The Dodge always has an
alternate plan to deflect interaction with a particular creature
that they don’t want to engage. Some of the ways that these
nifty students avoid the unwanted communication is by
pretending to receive a text message when the other person
walks by, taking an alternate route to their destination, or
simply acting as if you are invisible.
54. The Socially Inept

Parrot
The Follower
Humans love parrots because they mimic human speech.
However, in the wild, parrots only mimic each other. The
reason these beautiful birds mimic human speech is because
parrots have names, called signature contact calls. In the
wild, these animals only mimic another bird’s name to get
their attention and communicate with them. Therefore these
domesticated birds are programmed to mimic sounds they
hear, which is why they mimic human speech.
College is a time to learn about who you are as a person,
however some people use this time to latch on to others.
These people are known as Followers. Some students may be
allured by the confidence or charisma of another student and
want to follow in their footsteps. These students are known
for following all the latest trends, and even mimicking their
campus idol. If Michelle tries a different makeup on Monday,
then Rachel will be wearing the same eyeliner on Tuesday.
55. The Socially Inept

THE
SLACKERS

Remora
The User
The Remora is a fish that attaches to other sea creatures
to hitch a ride across the ocean. These creatures generally
latch on to any swimmer that is larger than them, but their
favorite host is the whale shark. Remoras lack swim bladders
that other fish have; therefore they need a host to travel
the ocean efficiently. The whale shark does not only serve
as a transporter, but they also provide the Remora with an
occasional meal. These fish devour the remaining scraps
that the shark leaves behind when feeding. The Remora is
not solely a freeloading fish; they remove small parasites
from the host’s body during the travel.
Not every student learns the same nor do they study
the same. However, one of the basic principles of studying
is taking notes, and Users will never hesitate to call you
and ask for yours. These blood-sucking creatures only call
when they need something. They never reciprocate or call
to hangout. The first few times the User asks for your notes,
you will not think anything of it, and you may be happy to
help. But once you see the pattern of taking advantage, you
will be ready to cut them off. Unlike the Remora, most Users
do not offer anything meaningful in return. Some common
signs to tell if a student is a User are low class attendance
and only calls when a test is on the horizon.
60. The Slackers

Sloth
The Idle
The Sloth is the world’s slowest moving mammal, and it is
also one of the pickiest eaters in the animal kingdom. This
creature eats a specific leaf that contains deadly toxins.
Eating is not a near death experience for the Sloth because
its body has a particular bacterium that breaks downthese
toxic leaves. Unfortunately, the Sloth’s leaf of choice provides
little to no energy to the animal and causes a very low
metabolism. This creature sleeps about 15-20 hours a day
and is stagnate when it is awake for the few hours remaining.
While colleges are known for activity, from academics
to clubs, from sporting events, to fashion shows, there are
some students that are known to do absolutely nothing. The
scientific name for this creature is The Idle. This species often
has very little drive and self-motivation. One of The Idle’s
most commonly practiced activities is sleeping. Like the sloth,
its diet does have a great affect on the creature’s energy
level. Idles are known for eating an outrageous amount of
fattening foods such as chips, pizza, burgers, and cookies.
These creatures will most likely gain the freshman 15, every
year. Warning: Always try to avoid pairing up with The Idle for
group projects. You will be left doing all of the work.
61. The Slackers

Artic Fox
The Cheater
The Artic Fox is an adequate hunter, however it prefers to
steal other animals’ food after they have done all the work.
Due to the harsh environment of the artic, the fox and many
other small animals have to obtain food anyway they can.
Because they are so small, artic foxes scavenge for dead
animals from big predators, like the polar bear. If they steal
food, the meals are usually from an animal their size or smaller.
It is not good to condone cheating, but if you do cheat
stop in high school. There will always be those few creatures
known as The Cheaters, which do not study for tests and
quizzes, therefore on the day of the exam they start to freak
out. Some easy ways to detect these mischievous critters
are their wondering eyes, constant head movements over
people’s shoulders, and an incessant looking down at their
phones. Warning: Never help a Cheater out in college
unless you are willing to get penalized; in college it’s not
just a simple slap on the wrist, like high school.
64. The Slackers

Armadillo
The Procrastinator
Armadillos are mammals that have an armor-like shell that
covers their backside. These animals curl into a ball when
they are threatened and their hardback protects them from
danger. Like the owl, these animals are known for working
best at night, but they are not strictly nocturnal. Similar to the
sloth, these animals sleep a lot, on average16-19 hours a day.
Everyone in college is a Procrastinator to a certain
degree. Like the armadillo, The Procrastinator is known
for sleeping immensely to stall the process of starting
and or finishing homework. However, sleeping is not the
only activity used to stall productivity. The Procrastinator
wastes precious time browsing through social media,
watching television, hanging out with friends, working
on less pressing projects, cleaning, drinking, or smoking.
Sometimes the procrastinator procrastinates by thinking
about how much they have procrastinated on a given day.
When together, these creatures are even less productive,
and often times take a spontaneous adventure that further
distracts them from their work. According to College-Animal
Research Institute, located in Fairfax, Virginia, 6.5 out of
every 8 students are hardcore Procrastinators.
65. The Slackers

THE
SOCIALIZERS

Dolphin
The Basic
Frat Boy
Dolphins are intelligent, playful and have active
personalities. Known for putting on a good show, you can
find dolphins playing with humans, other animals, and each
other. Some of their most famous acts include jumping out
of the water, blowing bubble rings, and interacting with
human objects. Since they are very social, their living pods
contain up to 12 dolphins. They look out for one another’s
well being and are known for carrying the sick when in need.
The males often pair up and serve as each other’s wingman
to find a mate. Like humans, dolphins are one of the rare
species that have sex for pleasure.
As simple as some Basic Frat Boys may seem they are
actually pretty complex. Like the dolphin, this creature is
very active—they have a lot of energy and are quick-witted
always waiting to dish out a joke. The Basic Frat Boy also
travels in groups, which intensifies their masculinity. With a
wingman at their right and a wingman at their left, the Basic
Frat Boy is always scoping for a pretty face and a nice body.
Often times, they are promiscuous, seeking sex in every
crevice they can muster. When the frat is united, there is a
strong bond between them, which they call brotherhood.
These sentimental creatures always protect one another in
times of need. However, most animals in the kingdom do
not see their sentimental sides.
70. The Socializers

Zebra
The Basic
Sorority Girl
No Zebra’s stripes are the same as another. However, when
they run together in packs their stripes make it difficult for
their predator to focus on one animal in particular. These
four-legged creatures are very social and often live in large
groups called herems. When one Zebra spots a predator, he
or she barks or whinnies to warn the others in the group.
Every great friend group has a basic sorority girl, but they
mainly flock together. Similar to Zebras, basic sorority girls
live in sorority houses, where the older sisters, called Bigs,
teach the incoming younger sisters, known as Littles, how to
embody their sorority’s greatness. The Bigs shower the Littles
with gifts, paddles, and other trinkets that usually take up an
annoying amount of space and make moving out at the end
of the year a pain. Often wearing black leggings, sorority
letters, Uggs, puffy vests, while carrying Starbucks, the basic
sorority girls can be hard to decipher. When venturing into
the wild, they always stick up for one another and are never
afraid to whinny or bark to defend a fellow sister.
71. The Socializers

Chimps
The Well-
Rounded
Greeks
Like many other species throughout this section,
chimpanzees are extremely smart. They use tools to
extract insects from crevasses found in trees and rocks and
can even learn human sign language. Chimps live in groups
called communities or units and are very social creatures.
When they are bored, they organize various games and
activities to entertain themselves. Similar to the dolphin and
the zebra, chimps have each other’s backs, figuratively and
literally since they often remove insects, debris, and dead skin
from their fellow friend’s hair. This routine grooming helps
relieve stress and creates a lasting bond between the animals.
The Well-Rounded Greeks are members of sororities
and fraternities that are very active on campus—organizing
events, volunteering their time, and enjoying college life.
Like the Basic Sorority Girls and Fraternity Boys, the Well-
Rounded Greek takes care of their brothers and sisters.
The Well-Rounded Greek is nothing shy of intelligent. This
active group has some of the smartest, athletic, and artistic
creatures in the Kingdom. Social and loving, the Well-
Rounded Greeks are easy to approach, so make sure to
have one of these in your college friend group.
74. The Socializers

Shearwater
The World
Traveler
The Sooty shearwater Bird has the longest migration route
of any bird flying approximately 40,000 miles a year. This
New Zealand native travels all the way from the Northern
hemisphere, to areas such as California, to feed during the
summer. While there are many Sooty Shearwaters birds their
populations are dwindling because of habitat degradation
and the rise in sea surface temperature.
Studying abroad is a great way to experience a different
culture during your college career and The World Traveler
takes full advantage of this opportunity. They travel from
country to country, and from continent to continent
exploring new foods, traditions, and ways of life. It’s rare to
see these creatures on campus and often times easier to
catch-up through social media. As the World Traveler checks
off places on their list, the list of places they can visit for the
first time gets smaller and smaller and they may experience
habitat degradation. But the world is pretty big, so it is hard
to run out of new exciting locations.
75. The Socializers

Chameleon
The Adapter
Even though many animals have outstanding camouflage
skills, the chameleon is the king of all deception. These
unique animals contain chromatophore, which are specially
colored pigments that allow their skin tone and patterns
to change. Their changing patterns are used to blend into
the environment, but that is not the only reason. These skin
changes mimic their emotional energy. For example, some
chameleons reflect dark colors when they are angry or want
to scare another animal. Chromatophore gives chameleons
the ability to adapt to their surroundings quickly.
Like high school, college has many cliques and it can be
hard to breakthrough unless you fit certain criteria. However,
some people transcend all groups because they have
diverse experiences and dynamic personalities that mesh
with all people. Adapters connect with nearly everyone
because they are charismatic and optimistic about the
future. These captivating creatures can hold conversations
with Gamers, Athletes, Artsy Kids, Greeks, and even
Hotheads. So when walking to class with an Adapter,
they will often seem like the college Oprah and you start
to wonder if that makes you Gayle. Adapters are great
friends to have because they will introduce you to many
other species and you will begin to feel like an on campus
celebrity yourself.
78. The Socializers

Lions
The Squad
Lions are known for their power, pouncing ability, and
teamwork. These ferocious cats are pack hunters, which
allows them to take down animals twice and even three
times their size. The lionesses are in charge of hunting for
the pride, which contains an average of 20 to 40 lions, but
they can contain as few as 3 lions. While hunting, lionesses
work strategically by having some stir up a large herd of
animals and others wait for the frantic herd to run straight to
them. Once they have decided on the specific herd member
to attack, the lionesses begin to pounce on the victim oneby-one,
until it collapses.
Like out in the Savanna, a college campus can be a place
where you find your Squad. These are the friends that you
can always hangout and study with and no matter what, they
will always have your back. Finding your Squad isn’t always
easy. Some find theirs within weeks of starting freshman
year while others take a year or two. Squad members
become official once they stick up for you when encroaching
creatures are bad-mouthing you. When the Squad is out,
they are nearly invincible and will destroy anyone who
oversteps their boundaries. In the pride, each member has
a unique role. Some members are Fighters, some are Trash
Talkers, and others are Mediators, but no matter what role
they play, The Squad always looks out for your best interest.
79. The Socializers

Ram
The G.O.A.T.
Famous for their large curled horns, the Ram fights for
dominance and mating rights in epic battles in the Rocky
Mountains. In a battle, Rams rear their hind legs and hurl
themselves at another ram in charges up to 20 miles per
hour. Often times the sound of the clashing horns can be
heard for many hours, until one ram walks away. Since the
ram has two layers of skull, the layers usually protect their
brains from serious injury. As the close cousin of the goat,
they have balance-aiding, rough-bottom split hooves that
make for excellent natural grip. They also have sharp vision
which helps them navigate the rugged mountain terrain.
The G.O.A.T.—the Greatest of all Time is a student
whose focus does not stray from the intended path.
However, the G.O.A.T. can be quite hard-headed, which can
lead to epic battles even though you are giving them sound
advice. The G.O.A.T can spar for many hours until you walk
away and they will always have the last word. Despite their
thick skulls, G.O.A.T.s have sharp vision when it comes to
seeking and accomplishing their goals. Their drive allows
them to be successful leaders, dominating their majors,
careers, and lives. Like the photographer, illustrator, and
author of this book, the G.O.A.T. keeps climbing upward
and onward because its hooves were made for the rocky
terrain and steep cliffs of college.
82. The Socializers

ONLY THE
STRONG
SURVIVE

SPECIAL THANKS TO THE
FOLLOWING CREATURES:
Felix Toxey
Yesenia Maldonado
Kelli Beard
Keo Pich
Ashley Jean
George Bonner
Cody Holland
Logan Rice
Gabriela Hurte
Aaron Cox
Ginio Rodriguez
Mitch Dollard
Chris Otoya
Gabrielle Garcia
Ryan Stewart
Marcus Bowman
Sarah White
Louis Fernandez
Tameka Parker
Don Starr
Megan Bisson
Aubrey Lear
Luar Pacheco
Bria Bryant
Megan Misenti
Tamia Perry
Tyler Hubbard
Morgan Slaski
Desirae Luna
Rachel Wynder
Jonathon Willey
Saleem Mokhiber
Francesca Sarris
Dominique Davis
Arthur Reinaltt
Austin Maslyn
Noelle Patterson
Jenna Schifalacqua
Courtney Winstead
Ahmed Cherkaoui
Anthony McLean
Jeremy Steinel
Anna Sanders
Brandon Spann
Marissa Strang
Amir Rafi
References
National Geographic
Animal Planet