Black Lens March 2020

Page 10
March 2020
www.blacklensnews.com
The Black Lens Spokane
Because I Love You
By Kiantha Duncan
Allow Ourselves to Forget
Have you ever walked in a grocery store to pick up
a few items and forgot what you went into the store
to get? Ever been midstream in the middle of a sentence
and the words you wanted to say slipped your
mind? Ever tried to remember a phone number by
saying it out loud over and over again, only to forget
it once you tried dialing it. Forgetting can be so
frustrating.
I, like many of you, have found myself in those forgetful
situations many times. Wanting to remember
something that felt critical only to have the information
flee my mind, causing me not to recall it at all.
In those moments forgetting seems to be nothing
more than a nuisance and unhelpful at best.
Then there are times when forgetting is exactly what
we need to do. I recall being told as a young woman to
forgive but never forget. We have been conditioned to
remember the transgressions of those who hurt us with
the intent of not allowing it to happen again.
I fully understand that way of thinking. I mean who
would want to experience painful encounters at the
hands of another person over again. It’s a natural
human reaction to want to distance ourselves from
people, places and things that hurt us. While I agree
that keeping a healthy distance from danger is certainly
best practice, I would like to suggest a radical
way of thinking. I am suggesting we forget.
The thing about forgiveness is that when we store in
our subconscious hurt or trauma of any kind, while
it does protect us from that same experience, it also
prevents us from being able to truly move forward
in complete and utter love.
What I propose is that we allow ourselves to forget.
Now I know you may be thinking, there is no way
I will ever forget what someone has done to me.
The thought of forgetting likely brings up feelings
of vulnerability, it certainly does for me. However,
forgetting allows us to release the space in which
we hold trauma and pain safely tucked away.
Imagine if you literally could not remember the
hurt someone has inflicted in your life. How might
that ability to forget allow you to show up in the
world? Would you be free to offer unconditional
love? Would your subconscious be lighter and open
to new, positive experiences with those who have
hurt you? Would the space in your heart for which
you hold pain and trauma be enlightened?
This idea of forgiving but not forgetting is actually
not healthy. It implies that through our memory
we must be prepared for the next time that person
or situation will hurt us. What if there was no next
time? What if by remembering, we hold space to be
retraumatized, we anticipate pains return? What if
by remembering, we are actually silently beckoning
the same experience to ourselves. What I am
suggesting is that forgiving without forgetting is
the equivalent of retaining without releasing. Grant
yourself and those who have hurt you, freedom.
Kiantha Duncan is a Principal Development Strategist with The
Duncan Brown Group. She can be reached at 206-225-4736.