01082020 - You're cruel insentitive for care of repentant terrorists, abandoning us

26—Vanguard, SATURDAY, AUGUST 1, 2020
Yetunde Arebi
Twitter: @yetundearebi
yetty5050@yahoo.co.uk
08054700825
Once married, the pressure to
remain so, no matter the odds
becomes a bigger challenge, once
again, especially for the woman. Right
from the wedding ceremony, she is made
to understand that returning home is not
an option for consideration. Marriage is
about endurance, the window to return
to single status is closed. You either make
a success of it, or die trying to. And
indeed, this has sent a lot of women to
their untimely graves, even when not
physically, but mentally and
psychologically. Derin, a very close friend
who had a successful career as a partner
in a high profile law firm was forced to
quit her job and lay low for almost five
years in her bid to avoid a scandal when
she eventually summoned up the courage
to end her 12 years marriage to an abusive
and jealous husband. “By the time I
realised that I needed to get out or I would
not be useful even to my children, I had
become an emotional wreak, unable to
even perform my duties at my office or
church. I was always afraid I would do
something that would set off his tongue
against me. I finally figured that he hated
the fact that I was successful at my work
and had men like him working for me in
the office. His, was not physical abuse,
but he had a poisonous, double edged
tongue that I was no match to. When he
would start, I would cry because I could
not find the strength to stop him. He would
make fun of me, asking if that was how I
dealt with the guys in my office. He would
express the desire to invite them to the
house to see me cry like a baby. I am also
a woman leader of my group in church,
he would make fun of me endlessly,
taunting me that he would go and tell them
that I am a weakling and know nothing
about marriage, so they should relieve
me of the post and not allow me to counsel
anyone. My decision to remain in the
marriage was not because I lacked the
financial capability to take care of myself
and my two children, but I felt trapped
by moral and societal standards. I was
afraid to be tagged a divorcee and a
woman who could not persevere”.
Like Derin, a lot of women are trapped
by moral and societal values in marriages
they are not happy in and cannot do
anything to remedy. Those who try often
have to face the hostility, insincerity and
lack of support of family and friends, who
ought to rally round them with love.
Domestic violence has become an
increasing menace and challenge in many
marriages across the country, even
though the Nigerian situation is not an
isolation. Before now, many women
endure systemic physical and
psychological abuse in silence and are
blamed for lacking the will to speak out.
Speaking out, will help create awareness
as well as assist them seek help to stop the
abuse. The truth is that, many who
manage to summon up the courage to
speak up, often lack the support they need
to get out of their abusive situation.
Sometimes, help also comes too late.
Fresh on my mind is the Kolade
Arowolo murder saga in the city of Lagos,
a classic case of persistent domestic abuse
and crime of passion. The couple’s
whirlwind troubled marriage was not
unknown to their parents and friends. The
fight that led to the death of Titilayo, the
young banker wife and mother of one was
indeed, not their first. They had fought
several times and had settled. Titilayo had
even allegedly told her parents and
friends that she was tired of the
relationship and wanted out, but she
lacked the support from the right people
who ought to offer or provide a safe
haven for her. On that fateful night,
something snapped inside Kolade that
resulted in him stabbing his young wife
76 times according to pathology reports,
Till death do us part
My decision to remain in
the marriage was not
because I lacked the
financial capability to take
care of myself and my two
children, but I felt trapped
by moral and societal
standards
thus resulting in her untimely death. A
waste of life, a needless death which could
have been avoided if marriage was not a
“do or die” affair, as we often have it.
Way back in the late 70s, (I’m no longer
very sure of this date) my late dear friend,
Honourable Bola James of the famous
James family of Badagry, lost his sweet
sister, Sena, to the murderous rage of an
ex lover in London. According to Bola,
his sister had finally summoned up the
courage to call off their volatile and
abusive relationship after many years of
fighting and making up, and to prove to
him that it was over, began dating another
guy. Angry and unable to accept the
development, he’d allegedly killed her and
hacked her body to pieces in her London
flat before calling the Police to report
himself. Their long-term relationship
which dated back to their high school days
in Nigeria had been a tempestuous one,
known to their family and friends, but to
which they had no idea could result in
death. Even if death seems a bit remote
and far between, several stories abound
of love-hate relationships that have
ended on very sour notes.
In March 2011, Chika Egbo
was doused with acid by her
boyfriend, David Sulaiman for
undisclosed reasons. On May
5, 2011, another
undergraduate student of
Federal University of
Technology, Yola, Adamawa
State, Franca Ogbu, was given
the acid bath and permanently
disfigured by yet to be identified
persons. One report claimed an
embittered wife of a lecturer
Franca was allegedly dating was
responsible while another
report said it was a guy she
rebuffed his love advances. Still
the deed has been done. Deanne
Igbo from Rivers State had her
eye plucked out for ritual
purposes by her husband/
boyfriend, Sylvester Emezi.
Another woman was doused in
Kerosine and set ablaze by her
husband who suspected her of
infidelity, and many more.
Strangely too, the women are
also taking arms against their
husbands, some in self defence,
others in moments of rage like
their male counterparts. A
classic case is that of Maryam
Sanda who stabbed her
husband, Bilyaminu to death in
a feat of rage. Maryam had
accused her husband of
infidelity. Ironically, the
woman he was accused of
cheating with was his first wife,
the one he’d divorced to be with
her. Maryam has been
sentenced to death by hanging
by an Abuja High Court. In
Katsina, Rabi, 19, stabbed her
25 year old husband,
Shamsideen to death over an
argument. In Ajah Lagos, 41
year old mother of four children
paid N500.000 to assassins to
kill her husband. He narrowly
escaped death. One could go
on and on. But the question is,
should marriage end in “till
death do us part” by our own hands?
It took a well orchestrated campaign
and counselling for the parents of a young
lady to accept her back home after just a
year of marriage recently. In what still
remains shrouded in mystery, the lady
and her husband began fighting seriously
after just a few weeks into their marriage.
On the last count, the husband beat her
up so severely he left several bruises on
her body and announced to the whole
neighbourhood his intention to kill her if
she refuses to leave their matrimonial
home. Afraid for her safety and her little
child’s, she returned home and informed
her parents of her decision to quit the
marriage. Naturally, they called a
meeting with the guy and his family and
he told them to their faces that he was no
longer interested in the marriage. But to
everyone’s shock, this young lady’s
parents still refused to see the danger
ahead, insisting that their Christian
religious beliefs forbids divorce and they
would not allow their daughter put them
to shame. (Is their daughter’s life not
worth more than religious beliefs?) I may
not understand because I am not very
religious.
Last weekend, a young lady called me,
wailing profusely on the other end. She
told me that her husband who works
outside Lagos would be returning this
weekend, but had threatened to pluck out
her eyes, should he find her at home. I
asked what she was still doing in the house.
What if he returns and God forbid, carry
out his threat? That is, if he does not even
kill you in the process. I asked what she
would do without her eyes? She would be
rendered useless to herself and a burden
to her family. Chances are that he might
walk away free or incarcerated, but the
deed would have been done. According
to her story, they have only been married
for less than two years and had been
blessed with a little baby girl. She said he’d
presented himself as a gentle, born again
Christian who in fact fasted on their
wedding day throughout the ceremonies.
However, barely two weeks after the
wedding, he turned a new coat, irritable,
irrational and uncompromising. Nothing
she did was pleasing to his eyes anymore.
He would abuse her, her parents and
family, no one was too big for him to talk
down at. He would slap her around a bit
too, (if there is anything like that) throwing
anything within his reach at her and even
the baby. Once, he’d poured water on her
and the baby while she was being fed. I
had to tell her to stop at that point because
the story had taken a new twist, he was
either crazy or under a spell. What about
his own family, if he did not respect his
wife’s? The lady disclosed that it had
become evident to her that her husband
had very little respect for his mother too.
It seemed a bit complicated. Anyone who
does not have someone they listen to, or
who can correct them is a dangerous
person, run far away from such a person.
So, this young lady has gone to her
parents’ home for safety while we await
her husband’s return this weekend.
I am all for the marriage institution. It is
ordained by the Almighty. It is the union
of two imperfect individuals who have
resolved to find perfection in the eyes of
God and man. I love weddings, the sheer
beauty of the ceremonies make me cry.
But I also hate pain, my body and mind
have almost zero tolerance for pain and
painful situations and therefore I am
against violence in any form, especially
in a place dedicated for love. So, I am
guided by the favourite quote of my very
good friend whom I call the Giant; “by all
means, marry. If you are lucky to marry
a good partner, you will be happy. If not,
you will become a philosopher”.
Do have a wonderful weekend and, stay
safe, please!!