The Ideal Experience of coming out to the parents

The Ideal Experience
of Coming Out to
the Parents
LGBT Community

Savannah College of Art and Design
with Lextant – The Human Experience Firm
2020 Winter
Methods of Contextual Research
Professor
Kwela Sabine Hermanns
Team member
Jiaheng Wu
M.A. Interactive Design
M.A. Design management
Zhengao Mei
M.F.A. Interactive Design
Wenting Zhu
M.A. Interactive Design
Yuchun Dong
M.F.A. Graphic Design
Liye Liu
M.F.A. Industrial Design
Yu-Cheng Lin
M.F.A. Interactive Design

The Ideal Experience of Coming
Out to the Parents

Contents

01
Introduction
1
02
03
Framework
I want to have a memorable
experience with my parents
5
11
04
35 44
I want to be fully prepared
when I come out
21
05
06
I want my parents to stop
escaping talking about LGBT
I want my parents to support me
37
49
07
I want to know who I am
63
08
Coming out is not always a priority
73
09
Design opportunities
83
10 Process
87

1
01

2
Introduction

Introduction
3
Background Introduction
A study in England, funded by the Department of Health, investigated the
high risk of suicide in young LGBT people (aged 16-25). The researchers found
that 25% of people did not ask for help when they were suicidal because they
were hiding their sexual orientation and/or gender identity. It comes as a
shock to many when they hear that coming out as LGBT is still hard and
traumatic for many people, even today.
How to use this book?
In the following pages, we have analyzed the data we collected and compiled
the result into a framework to explain what we have found in our research.
This book therefore intends to provide further insights to the designers and
also enlighten the LGBT community. We hope this book helps audiences to
see the coming out to parents process from different perspectives and come
up with their personal understanding of ideal coming out process.

4

5
02

6
Framework

7
The Ideal Experience of Coming
Out to the Parents
Coming out to parents is a very difficult process. In part, it is about you. You
are sharing something very personal with people you love. This makes it a
time when you could become closer and more attached, but it also carries
the risk of rejection and pain. Our aim of this body of work is to illuminate
what is the ideal experience of coming out to the parents, according to the
deeply human-centered research we conducted a period of eight weeks. Our
ultimate hope is that our findings, resilient from direct observation, cultural
probe, open-ended interviews and sensory cue kit, provide valuable insights
for those who work and design with the challenges of coming out.

8
I want to create a
I want to be
I want my parents to
I want my parents to
I want to know
Coming out is
memorable experience
fully prepared
stop escaping
support
who I am
when I come out
from talking about LGBT
not always a priority
me

9
Insight
I want to have a
memorable experience.
I want to observe that both my
parents and I grow up from this
experience. We will reflect the
past and all of us will know
me better.
I want to be fully prepared
when I come out.
Although I know that I would be loved all
the same, there was always the “what if”
factor, and that is what scared me the
most. So, I need to rehearsal a lot of
times for different possible reactions.
I want my parents to
stop escaping from
talking about LGBT.
I understand that my parents have a flight instinct
when facing something huge but unfamiliar with.
Escaping will not change the fact. Please try to talk
to me. Even if asking very stupid questions. All I
want to know is that you are willing to know me
and not giving up on me.

10
I want my parents
to support me.
Parents play a role of companion
in our whole life. Most parents
continue to love their children
in a way that allows them to say
“I love you,” to accept the reality
of the child’s sexual orientation
and to be supportive.
I want to know who I am.
Am I sure about my sexual orientation?
I cannot raise the issue unless
I am able to respond with confidence
to the question “Are you sure?”
Coming out is not
always a priority.
Not everyone should come out to their parents. Coming out or not
depends on your family situation. Don’t be pressured into it if
you’re not sure you’ll be better off by doing so — Love yourself is
the most important thing.

11
03

12
Memorable
Experience

13
I want to have a
memorable experience
with my parents.
I want to observe both my parents and I grow up from
this experience. We will reflect the past and all of us will
know me better.
One day in the future, I may get to a low point and I will
recall this experience. I hope I will be glad that I have
made this decision. This experience will give me courage
and remind me how brave I was.

14

15
Coming out is a looooong process.

16
Coming out is not a one day thing. If I
tell them all of a sudden, It may be too
much for my parents and it is inevitable
that they have unexpected negative
reactions. People tend to be scared of
what they don’t know and unfamiliar
with. As their child, I am destined to
teach them and let them understand
me gradually.

17
I am willing to
provide time and
space for my parents
to digest the fact
that I am LGBT.
The fact of “my kid is a LGBT” is one of the hardest
knowledge point in this world. It is time for my parents to
look back, try to link the dots and fully understand who I
am. No one can adopt a brand new or an unfamiliar
concept immediately. Give them a quiet environment to
think about the situation alone.

18
“I can’t force them to understand.”
“I will reserve a room for my parents an d give them enough time and space to digest”.

19
My parents will accept my identity.
It is just a matter of time.
6 months, 1 year, 2 years ... The cold war is
torturous. All of us get hurt badly. However, My
parents accept my identity at last even though it
really took a long time. After all, I am their child.

20

21
04

22
Fully
prepared

Fully
Prepared
23

24
I want to be fully
prepared when I come out.
I should be the one who decide the time, the space and people to
come out. It is the moment that I have been waiting for my whole
entire life. Saying the words, ‘I am LGBT,’ will turn my world
completely around. Although I know that I will be loved all the
same, there is always the “what if” factor, and that is what scared
me the most. So, I need to prepare for different possible reactions
and rehearsal a lot of times.

25
I need to be
self-sufficient when
I come out.
I have seen so many families breakdown. Unless I am
extremely confident that my parents will be supportive,
and that their past public statements have demonstrated
a clear view of support and acceptance. Otherwise, I need
to become a self-sufficient adult before I come out.

26

27
I want to get my
parents prepared
when I come out,
I don't want to
hurt them.
Coming out is a personal thing. But
coming out to my parents is not. If I
really love them. I will have empathy
for them and try to think from their
perspective. If it is not the right time,
I won’t come out, I don’t want them
to get hurt either physically or mentally.
People tend to be scared of things
they are not familiar with or
understand. My parents need to be
prepared as well. It has been proved
that parents who know more about
LGBT community are more likely to
accept. I will imply them a little
and keep them informed of the
existence of LGBT and our culture.

28

29

30
I hope my parents no
longer worry about
my future.
There are so many invisible injustices and dangers outside.
Parents are worried about their kids’ future. Are they strong
enough to bear those injustices? Will they have AIDS? How
are they going to take care of themselves if the parents are
not around?
However, if I can prove to them that I am having a normal
life. I have a trustful and beloved one and we are going to
take care of each other. Things might get better. All parents
must bump up against the tension between how our kids
live their lives and how we’d like them to live.

31
I want to be supported
by people I trust.
Before I come out, I need to establish a strong alliance of allies
and a support system in-advance: Firstly, I will come out privately
to those who are most-likely to be supportive, like my best
friends or siblings who I trust. The group think is firmly on my side
that exposes acceptance as the ongoing social norm.

32

33
atmosphere when I come out.

34

35

36
When having a coming
out conversation, I should
have a clear mind.
No matter what methods I am going to use to come out. These methods
should help me refresh my memory and enable me to organize my
thoughts.
It could be worse if both my parents and I are too emotional in the coming
out conversation. I want to keep a clear mind to make sure the situation is
under control. Coming out in anger and using my sexual orientation as a
weapon are not good choices.

37
05

38
Stop
Escaping

Stop
Escaping
39

I want my parents to
stop escaping from
talking about LGBT.
40

41
I want my parentsto stop escaping from talking about
LGBT.

42
Many parents choose to pretend they don’t know
their children are LGBT even they had been told.
There’s no rule in the parenting books about what
the parents are supposed to do when facing with
a child who is telling the parents that he / she is
LGBT.
I understand that my parents have a flight instinct
when facing something huge and unfamiliar with.
Escaping will not change the fact. Please try to
talk to me. Even if asking very stupid questions.
All I want to know is that you are willing to know
me and not giving up on me.

43
There is no need for
my parents to
understand LGBT,
I just want them to accept
the fact of who I am.
Being LGBT is not a choice. It is who I am.
To me, coming out is simply a process to
inform them that they have a LGBT child.
It is acceptable if they insist their prejudice
or even discrimination. Whether they
understand it or not, I want them to
accept the fact that I am LGBT and
I am not going to change.

44

There are external resources providing help
45

to parents after their children coming out.
46
Sometimes parents, who received a coming out message from their
children, cannot accept the fact for a while. What they need is an
extra help from trustworthy third parties. There are helping groups,
LGBT centers and also psychologists helping parents understand
this group. Most children suggest parents to obtain information
from the internet. However, they also found most of the information
on the internet are biased and doesn’t provide objective facts.

47

I want to have
more communication
opportunities with
my parents.
48
Some parents immediately integrate all the bad things that had
happened in the family and think that it is parents’ fault that
make children become a LGBT. Lacking of a common understanding
toward certain issues should be responsible for the unreasonable
guilty.
If children had talked with parents about those issues or if they
can have more communications with their parents in the future.
Things will be understood easier.

49
06

Sup port
50

51
I want my
parents to
support me.
Support

Parents play a role of
companion in our whole life.
Most parents continue to love
their child in a way that allows them
to say “I love you,” to accept the reality
of the child’s sexual orientation and to
be supportive. In fact, now that the
relationship between parents and child is
on a level of mutual honesty and trust,
most parents say their relationship is
better than it ever was. All parties
begin to feel better about
what has happened.
52

53
My parents respect
my decision.
I have made so many decisions in my life. For most of time, my parents
told me that they respected my decisions and supported me.
Coming out is one of the most important decisions in my life. I make a
choice of how to spend the rest of my life with the people I love most.
I hope they can respect my decision like before.

54

55
My parents treat
me like usual.
After coming out, my ideal experience is that
my parents can treat me like usual but not a
stranger. We don’t need to have a discussion
about my sexual orientation any more. They
still praise me when I need; Educate me when I
do something wrong; Ask me “where are you
going?” or told me “call me when you get
home safe.” or whatever parents who love me
say.

My parents treat me
like usual.
56

57

I hope they can tell me
the most important thing
is my happiness.
58
Before coming out, my parents’ happiness is my priority. I spent
so much effort to hide myself to maintain the harmony of the
family.
Is my parents' happiness more important than my happiness?
I pretended that I am leading a normal life which I don’t.
I want to be myself and pursue my own happiness. I hope that
they can understand that my happiness and their happiness are
never the same.
“My mom wasn’t happy, but at least she wanted me to be happy.”

59
I bring my beloved
one home and my
parents support us.
Most of time, what parents worry about most is their
children’s future. Will they be alone? How are they
going to take care of themselves? “We feel happy for
my children to have a wonderful person to love.”

60

61
My parents help me keep
this secret from any other
people who might hurt me.
Since I was born, my parents are my umbrellas. They protect me from
potential hurts and keep me safe.
There are a lot of people being treated terribly by homophobic people.
After I come out to any of my parents, I hope they can protect me by
keeping the secret, even from the closest people.

62

63
07

64
Know
Who I am

Know
Who I am
65
I want to know who I am
Am I sure about my sexual orientation? I cannot raise the issue unless
I am able to respond with confidence to the question “Are you sure?”
Confusion on my part will increase my parents’ confusion and decrease
their confidence in my judgment.

66

67
It is all about being
honest to myself and
people I love.

68
Coming out allows me to develop as a whole individual and makes it easier
for me to develop a positive self-image. Coming out frees me of the fear of
being "found out" and helps the avoid living a double life, which can be
extremely stressful and demoralizing. What’s more, for people I love and
people love me. It will definitely hurt them if they know my sexuality from
other people but not me.

69
I want to be braver,
at least to defend my
sexual orientation.
As a LGBT, the most effort I have spent is trying to break
down the stereotypes people may hold. From my friends to
my parents. I wish I can be braver and let them know that
even though I love them, I cannot bear any insults.

70

71
I
DO
NOT
WANT
TO
BE
CATEGORIZED
AND
DISCRIMINATED

72
I cannot accept the concept of “LGBT community” or “LGBT Group”,
which make me feel being categorized. If I had a choice, I would
not be a gay. Because people discriminate against me and makes
me uncomfortable.

73
08

Not always
a priority
74

Not always
a priority
75
Coming out is not
always a priority.

Not everyone should come out to their parents.
Coming out or not depends on your family
situation. Don’t be pressured into it if you’re not
sure you’ll be better off by doing so — Love
yourself is the most important thing.
76

77
Coming out depends
on culture and religion.
It is well known that believers of Islam strongly oppose against LGBT
because it violates god's expectations of his people. People’s fundamental
value is inevitably influenced by their culture background and
religion which is basically how they see the world and how they
behave. When coming out will only do harm to you but no benefits,
think twice before you do so.

78

79
I am unable to
change my parents’
mindset. They are
too conservative.

80
Most of time, parents and children
disagree about how life should be
lived. Every generation has this
conflict. Parents have lived longer
and therefore have a better
chance of being right. While, it is
only part of the picture. There is a
good chance that parents have not
kept up with how society evolves
and what kind of people their
children are. It takes time and
patience to make them change.
The most important thing is no
one knows what is best for you
except yourself.

81

82
It is precious to have
open-minded parents.
For LGBT, having open-minded parents is a precious gift. There
is no need to hide the identity. People in the closet tend to
admire or be jealous to people who came out successfully and
then come out to their parents, driven by hormones.

83
09

Design
Opportunity
84

85

86
01
Coming out kit for parents - The kit will serve the function of
a reliable parenting book to help the parents understand LGBT
culture and teach them how to get along with LGBT kid.
02
Coming out activity - The LGBT organizations draw inspiration
from our research and hold memorable coming out events for
LGBT people.
03
Coming out prep kit - Users who are going to coming out to
the parents can use the kit to prepare themselves and increase
the success rate. The kit also helps remind them to think twice
and carefully consider whether to come out.

87
10

Process
88

89
Topic
Observation
Interview
The team draw
stakeholder map and
set up the lens - emotion
and process, which will
serve as guidance for
the following research.
We started our observation
from LGBT center.
Then the Club One gay
bar where we observed
people and watched the
drag queen show. We
also conducted participatory
observation by
taking part in the kickball
game. We also went to
the LGBT center and be
part of their church event.
We interviewed 26
people from different
areas with different
culture backgrounds.
We asked open-ended
questions to engage our
participants. Our
participants shared
their emotions and
stories regarding
coming out to parents.

90
Cultural Probe
Sensory Cue
Affinitization
A cultural probe is a
research tool which is
used to gather both
qualitative and
quantitative data from
participants. We built
an large-scale installation
and attract people
to be part of our
research. This stage we
gathered amounts of
data from the public,
which includes both
parents’ attitudes and
LGBT people’s views.
We invited 10 participants
to participate in
our sensory cue and
collected data concerning
their emotions and
struggles during the
coming out process.
Yellow-blue-pink-green.
We used sticky notes to
conducting affinitization
on over 800 single
point data.
Timeline

91
AMERICA
INTERVIEWEE: 26
COMING OUT: 11
35%: living in Asia;
15%: living in Europe
50% : living in America;
INTERVIEW MAP

92
EUROPE
ASIA
22% of the 9 people coming out
75% of the 4 people coming out
26% of the 13 people coming out

93
“I hope that one day
in the future, My beloved one and I
can walk on the street just like
any normal couple.”
“I want to come out,
because I love them.
I don't care about others’ view,
I want my parents be proud
of me.”
“I had to count
everything on my own, I
became more independent than
people at the same age. Cause
one day, I will come out to my
parents. I have to be prepared
mentally and financially
in case the worst
thing happened”

94
“ It was at that
moment I started to realize that
having a relationship with a girl
could face a lot of problems,
finance, age, children,
and even how long your
relationship can last.”
“I don’t understand, but I
respect his choice. What I was
worried is that people outside and
will do bad things to him.”
“If coming out to them,
I want them to be happy with my
choice and still proud of me,
I will continue my life just
like usual.”

95

96
We set up five stations and used visual cues,
auditory cues and environmental cues to
engage our participants. Try to explore LGBT’s
emotion through coming out process.
Owned by Lextant

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