Listening is hard sometimes

Kym Madden: It’s hard to listen sometimes
The way we listen is rarely on our radar. We all think we listen well. We don’t question it.
Yet the article by Isabella Murray on ABC Australia 31 January 2021 shows that most of us
do badly at hearing us when we are vulnerable and distressed.
She says that when she cautiously, honestly, painfully shares her story of her brother
sexually abusing her during her childhood years, the reaction is almost always silence. She
believes people don’t know how to respond so they say nothing. Avoiding the topic next
time. And her, too, if they can. To duck another conversation like this.
I think she’s right. We are not taught how to listen to difficult stories. We don’t want to say
the wrong thing. Or we want to help but don’t know how. We can feel overwhelmed with
sadness, with helplessness. It’s so much to take in. We don’t want to add to their pain, to
their ugly mass of feelings.
This is understandable, we are human. However, it’s not helpful. Isabella says it’s not
enough for her to speak up, as hard as this is.
For her to heal, she needs to be able to share her story, not hide it. She expected to die with
her story untold. She is now freed from doing so, thanks in part to the story of courageous
Grace Tame, our Australian of the Year for 2021. Isabella can speak out and others can too.
However, Isabella tells us something unexpected.
We are pretty terrible listeners. This is important for us to know because we didn’t realise.
And we can do better. If we knew how.
I’ve been a social researcher for 20 years, a professional listener to people’s experiences,
and I’ve been learning to listen as a counsellor more recently. Here’s what I know.
You don’t need to reply, with any direct help. You need to listen better.
Your part is to listen with your heart, that’s all. This means being fully open and present,
taking in what they’re saying as well as what’s between the lines. Not cut the connection
because you feel swamped, overcome, awkward and unsure what to say, not rush in to
sympathise, explain, offer advice.
Just holding your link with the other person tenderly. To acknowledge their pain, to sit with
them quietly as their feelings rise up and they express their needs today. Understand that
they are on a healing journey and the only thing you can give them worth a damn is to listen
respectfully with both ears.
If we can look at another person with a willingness to understand, if we can be genuine in
seeking to hear what they’re saying, not trying to figure out what to say, any words we offer
will actually help. Our intention will bring a helpful response, whether it’s with words or
non-verbal.
There’s no need to fix anything because we can’t. It’s a tough realisation. Our part is simply
to hear the person speaking, not hide and not focus on what we should say.

If we can allow them safety to speak, this will guide anything we do manage to say. This
intention will make it so much easier to listen.
We also need to care for ourselves, too, to expect we’ll likely experience an emotional
roller-coaster sometimes when we listen. How good are we with discomfort?
Feeling a wide range of emotions in listening is ok. If we fight them, we’ll close down. If we
can let them rise in us, they will naturally fall away. It’s a natural process.
Most of us are caring and yet we struggle to listen well. We don’t even realise it much of the
time. We think the hard thing is speaking up. And it is.
But it doesn’t end there. How do we listen? We can do better.
It’s hard to listen sometimes #Let Me Speak