If These Places Didn't Exist

If These Places
Didn’t Exist

If These Places

Didn’t Exist

If These Places Didn’t Exist
by: Sarah Pacheco

Copyright © 2020 by Sarah Pacheco. All rights reserved. No part of
this book may be reproduced in any form on by an electronic or
mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval
systems, without permission in writing from the author or publisher,
except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review.

Sarah is a visual artist based in Toronto who’s work focuses on
personal experiences of healing, growth, and relationships. Through
her work, she strives to inspire others and hopes that people find
comfort in knowing they aren’t alone in their struggles.

To anyone lost on their path of life.
I hope you find solace in these pages.
And that these words bring you new meaning.
We all have different places in this world,
but I hope ours feel less lonely.
Take what you need,
listen when you can’t speak,
and love wholly.

Artist statement
I’m a firm believer that everywhere you go, the things that you
experience, and the hardships that life throws at you all shape you
into the ever-changing person that you are and will come to be. In
my personal journey of life thus far, I’ve lost the meaning of what
home is, I’ve found myself and then somehow lost myself all too
quickly, I’ve found love, been hurt by it, lied to by it, and found
new meaning from it, I’ve experienced things that have formed my
beliefs and thinking, and above everything I’ve found peace within
it all. If These Places Didn’t Exist is about places in my life that have
shaped me into who I am today. The good, the bad, the ugly, the
blissful and everything in between. This piece is a reconciliation with
myself. It began more so as a way to heal from my past experiences
as well as reminisce on the good that has happened, which has
turned into a visual diary, where there are specific memories that will
be preserved. If These Places Didn’t Exist is to remind myself that
despite how hard life is, no matter what I have to face, there is good
in the end. It’s to remind myself that I’m okay. And if I’m not okay
right now, that I will be. I will heal. I will forgive. I will grow. And I will
be thankful. If these places didn’t exist, I would not be the person
that I am today. I cannot be happy, healthy, strong, and trusting if I
haven’t been sad, sick, lonely, hurt, and scared.

I never realized how much
my parents’ separation effected me
until I started dealing with
my own relationships.

And I think no matter what,
there will always be something
in the back of my mind
convincing me that love doesn’t really exist.

Somehow ten years of my life
feels like it never existed.
Maybe it’s because
these were some of my darkest years.
Or maybe it’s because
I was so hung up on all the bad
that I never stopped
to appreciate my blessings.

Either way,
to my mom:
thank you endlessly
for every single thing you did,
I truly would not be who I am today
if it wasn’t for this place.

I never would have guessed
that what people said to me ten years ago
would weigh so heavy on my mind
all these years later.

But now I have to deal with the consequences.
And learn how to love myself.

Losing someone hurts,
but not saying goodbye to them

is like a never-ending feeling
of knowing you’re forgetting something
but not knowing what it is.

I was 13 when I was diagnosed with arthritis.
It made me feel different.
I never told any of my friends until years later
when I was in remisson.
But my mind convinced me
that they thought I was weird
for having an illness
despite them not knowing anything about it.

8 years later I’ve grown to accept it.
I still wish I didn’t have to deal with it,
but I know now that it’s ridiculous
to think that friends could judge me
for such a thing.

I never understood why people always said
that highschool was the best 4 years
of their lives.
I spent them scared, self-concious,
and made fun of.
That may sound mellow dramatic,
but overall it was some of the hardest years
of my life.

No one teaches you
how to deal with the dark cloud
that hangs overtop of your head.
Honestly, looking back
it was nothing but bullshit
and I don’t think I’ll ever
feel differently about it.

I don’t know how to describe it
but this place never felt like home.
It was my house,
it was where I ate dinner with my family,
slept in my bed, and have lots of memories in.
But nothing about it pulled at my heartstrings.
Maybe it was the constant walking on eggshells
or the darkcloud still over my head.

This place may have only ever felt like a house,
but what does feel like home is my mom.
And one thing I know for sure,
is that the lump in my thorat
is because I’m so far away
from one of the only constant things
in my life that has ever felt
like home to me.

My entire life I thought I wanted to be a teacher.
So naturally,
I went to university to become just that.
But a year into my program
I realized it wasn’t my passion anymore.
So I dropped out.

But no one prepares you for the feelings that follow.
I felt like a dissapointment.
A failure.
That I would never succeed.
Knowing what I do now,
it was the best thing I could’ve done for myself
and I haven’t regreted it since.

I don’t know why everyone’s first kiss is so important
but it is.
Mine felt very coming of age movie-ish.
It went something like this:

My 18th birthday.
The bottom bed in my bunk bed.
Lots of giggling.
Very innocent.
Perfectly simple.

There’s a bittersweetness
to not having someone in your life anymore.
Especially when it’s neither of your faults.
Just wrong place, wrong time.

We didn’t work out how we were.
But if we were to meet again,
as we are in our lives now,
then I would want nothing more
than to have you in my life.

Maybe it hurt as much as it did because
I finally felt comfortable with who I was.
Or maybe because you convinced me
that I was safe with you,
then left with no explanation.

I won’t ever regret what happened
because you taught me how to heal.
But I hope to God I never have to feel
that sort of heartbreak again.

Coming out is terrifying.
And no one will ever know how it feels
unless they go through it themselves.
And I was not prepared for the amount of pain
and sadness that followed during that car ride home.

I wish I was heard.
I wish you understood my fear.
I don’t blame you for reacting how you did.
But when I needed your support and validation the most,
you weren’t there for me.

It took me years to understand what happened.
It’s scary to relive a moment that meant nothing then,
but haunts you now.

I wonder if I’ll ever heal from it
or if it’ll be with me forever.

Having divorced parents doesn’t bother me,
it hasn’t for a while.
What I’m still getting used to
is how different the living dynamic is
between the first 19 years of my life with my mom
and the last 4 years with my dad.

I like living with my dad.
I have a lot more freedom.
But we live very separate lives
and it gets lonely sometimes.
I don’t blame him at all.
I think we both just learnt how to be apart for so long
that we don’t know how to be together now.

There’s an uneasiness to doing something
you’ve always been too scared to do.
That first step into the room.
The first person you say hi to.
The first breath after it all and saying
“it was worth it”.

For me it was going to school for photography.
I still have times that I lose faith in myself.
And I know it’s cliché to say that school has taught me
more about myself than I ever would’ve thought.
But it’s true, and I’m so thankful to be where I am today.
And to have taken that first step and said
“yeah, it was worth it”.

I remember my Godmother told me
that cheesy, overdone line
about friends being there
for a season,
a reason,
or a lifetime.
She was right.

But it still hurts because I was convinced
that I was one of the lucky ones to have a lifetime friend.
I know exactly where it went wrong
but I decided to ignore it.
I know the reason now,
and I will be forever grateful to know
that such a connection exists in this world.

Sometimes people stay with someone
because it’s comfortable.
Because they know all your secrets
and it was hard enough to tell them in the first place.
And you can’t imagine learning how to trust
another person again.
So you may not be completely happy,
but it’s comfortable so you stay.

That only makes things worse.
So I left.
But I found someone that I barely knew
and to this day I still don’t know what it was
but I trusted her.
I trusted her with everything in me
and knew no harm would come from it.
And that was the day my life turned around.

Maybe it’s because I had no where else to go
or maybe it’s because you’ve always been welcoming.
But there’s something about this place that I feel safe in.

To all the memories we’ve had.
To all the new ones we’ll make.
Old places and new.
I’ll cherish them all.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to describe simply,
just how much you mean to me.
I never knew I could love one person as much as I do.
I never knew I could trust one person as much as I do.
But I do.
And I never knew someone would ever love me
as much as they do.
But she does.

Do you ever think about how crazy it is to be in love?
Because I do.
I want to shout to the heavens above how in love I am.
And I don’t care if no one else wants to listen.
Because to love you is the biggest blessing I could ask for.
And to be in love is the greatest gift I could ever receive.

If these places didn’t exist I would not be who I am today.