Main Street Magazine Spring 2021

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I initially attempted to write a real letter fromthe editor and didn’t like it all that much.After deliberating with creative consultantAnna Parisi, I was advised to instead usethe following. It’s the Main Street Manifesto,and I wrote it one day in my head while boredworking in the back of Wildcat Pizza cleaning pizzapans. I realized that this issue of Main Street is allabout whimsy, and I’d imagine this is one of the morewhimsical manifestos to exist in the world (but still definitelybehind Bob Kaufman’s Abomunist Manifesto).Thank you for picking up a copy of our magazine and takingthe time to read it, and thank you to everyone who had a handin making it. So many great amazing humans worked veryhard on everything in here and I’m beyond grateful that I canhelp facilitate and present their work in these 100 pages.Cheers,CalebEditor-in-Chief“Do you have the courage to be a poet? The jewels that arehiding inside you are begging you to say yes!’”- Jack Gilbert“My discography is a radical act of love and protection / Fromchaos, bomb blast blown in every which direction”- Elucid“Now I have my script. I need to find the warriors. Eh? Thewarriors, to do it. Every person who will work on this picturewill be a spiritual warrior. The best I will find.”- Alejandro JodorowskyMain Street aims to take the floating space rock of theearth and chisel it down (using pencils, pens,paintbrushes, patience, potpourri, and advancednew camera panoramas, amongst other ideas)into an 8.5” by 11” 100-page exploitativeexplosive expansive extraordinary exploit.Main Street’s central hope is for themagazine to be utilized by an artisticarsonist in cognitive dissonance in love with theocean who creates a large enough bonfire to signal aliensbefore extinguishing said bonfire with all of the water in theAtlantic.The only talisman Main Street believes in are those flattenedand printed, or shouted and fading; however, Main Streetloves and embraces knick-knacks, doohickeys, doodads,and whatchamacallits, and believes objects can holdhealing powers resting in the right hands, and especiallythe wrong ones.Main Street is generally specific, and specifically general,depending on the day of the week, the cloud cover, andwhat any given Magic-8-Ball reads after given a fair shake.Main Street intends for its magazine pages to be used toconstruct the following particular particles in no particularorder: papier-mâché sculptures, origami swans, F-15fighter jet paper airplanes with imaginary ammunition,waterproof sailor hats, colorful flimsy faux tinfoil hats,paper basketballs aimed at trash baskets, paper fortuneteller whirlybirds popular in middle schools, all-paperoutfits fit for any occasion, counterfeit money to be spenton hamburgers and coffee and real money.Main Street is not a cult, but it’s not not a cult. This is amore important distinction than one might think.All copies of any given Main Street Magazine issue shouldbe stacked on top of each other to form a towering figurethat can be used as the following: a totem pole, to be
worshipped; a tall ladder, to be climbed; or a pair of stilts,to be walked around town cosplaying as a giant.On lackadaisical sunny Sundays with little wind resistance,any given copy of Main Street Magazine is to be used asa frisbee, and can be used in games of fetch with dogs,or enthusiastic cats. Additionally, if enough copies of MainStreet Magazine can be gathered, along with a cadre ofeager extraterrestrials, the magazine copies are to beconstructed into a flying saucer, spaceship, or UFO. Amemory wiper is to be attained at a local flea market orthrift shop and used appropriately (or inappropriately) forthis specific instance.On clear nights, the magazine is to be rolled up and peeredthrough like a telescope in order to view the stars. Oncloudy nights, the magazine is to be rolled up and smokedto view additional stars and the inside of an ambulance.Main Street is whatever one wants it to be. In mostinstances, it is a street; in this instance, it is a magazine,and an idea, and a work of art; in other instances, it is aset of two words, a social club, a covert communist party, acoterie of hoodwinkers, soothsayers, and co-conspirators,and not not a cult.Main Street members are stupefied and gargoylian innature, adoring stoops, observation, and the occasionalbottle of malt liquor.Main Street members are convinced they’re not making amagazine at all, but instead are drafting a new edition ofthe constitution, which is to be burned upon completionand nationally broadcasted on live television.Each issue of Main Street Magazine is to be burned uponcompletion and nationally broadcasted on live televisionMain Street members know there are many ways to skin acat, but would rather make a magazine instead of harmingany house pets.Main Street Magazine’s pages are to be used as a blanketby hobos and non-hobos alike, and is best enjoyed whileconsuming a can of cold beans sitting beside a trashcanfire. The beans are not to be warmed by the fire.Historically speaking, Main Street Magazine has mostcommonly been used as a rolling tray. With respect tohistory, this storied tradition will continue on.Main Street Magazine is not to be confused as a newspaper,which it is the antithesis of. But when the magazine isdistributed, it should be treated as a newspaper, beingtossed on doorsteps by newspaper boys pedaling furiouslyon twelve-speed bicycles whilst exclaiming, “Extra! Extra!Read all about it!” Said newspaper boys are to be given anickel for their services, and to be directed to the nearestpharmacy to buy a milkshake upon completion of theirmorning’s work.Main Street members eat with their elbows on the table,always. Or standing up on a sidewalk. Or hunched over astoop.Main Street members believe raisins are the worstcommonly-consumed cookie ingredient – why not usechocolate chips instead? – but are still passable inoatmeal cookies. Still, an oatmeal cookie without raisinsor with chocolate chips is far superior. After all, Main Streetmembers, like Bob Kaufman, unite the soul with oatmealcookies.Main Street is actually an anagram, and since 1985 hashad its letters rearranged and slightly edited from itsoriginal title: Meat Strain. In 2085, its letters are to berearranged and edited once again to one of the following:Stain Treatment, Tame Reins, or Snowmen Train.The most applicable words one can use to describe MainStreet: not far in, too far out, funk, funky, funkadelic,groove, groovy, potent, postulation, pastel, laser beam,wizard, witchcraft, wanderlust, spellbound, spelling bee,somnolent, ventriloquial, jink, wend, red wine, white wine,box wine, any wine, high life, the champagne of paperproducts, supernumerary, necessary, totally unnecessary,alacrity, celerity, jaunty, discombobulated, jawn, jocular,and willy-nilly.Main Street Magazine is, was, will be, has been, and willnot, in that order.Main Street Magazine will die, but won’t stay dead.13
Page 2 and 3: Grounds for theIn the grand scheme
Page 4 and 5: photo by seth burtonC O NT R I B4U
Page 6 and 7: art by se choi
Page 9 and 10: The Big BeanBreakfast, Lunch, and D
Page 11: photography by Jared Burnett
Page 15 and 16: In seventh grade, a friend of mine
Page 17 and 18: Diana had lived, they probablynever
Page 19 and 20: Amber passed her bottle of suds to
Page 21: “So this is how we’re gonna end
Page 24 and 25: EffngAwesome:A Roadside Odyssey Thr
Page 26 and 27: 26
Page 28 and 29: ote that I’mbeing unusuallypermis
Page 30 and 31: “What’s that?”“Song.” All
Page 32 and 33: with a pin it’d implode and smut
Page 34 and 35: photography byMax SchoenfeldA melti
Page 36 and 37: 36you bring brighter daysOoh you're
Page 38 and 39: THE METAL-FACED VILLAIN’S ORIGIN
Page 40 and 41: On Doomsday, ever sincetheDOOM and
Page 42 and 43: When I was 16, I stopped existing.
Page 44 and 45: WeMarvelWORDSTHE PAST AND PRESENT O
Page 47 and 48: seth burton
Page 49 and 50: jesse dejager
Page 51 and 52: seth burton
Page 53 and 54: catrina marr
Page 55 and 56: catrina marrjesse dejager
Page 57 and 58: I C KDover's ballad for a new skate
Page 59 and 60: mey !!!leveled gravel fields that a
Page 61 and 62: the washedup wizarddoesnt need a sc
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EPISODE TWO:DUE DILIGENCEHealth & W
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Ipainted my room this weekend. I co
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67
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taudvinn armijosotography by dani d
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my soul is toobig for my body
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EARROSTSBITE MEnowflakes trickled d
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garden of edenby julian armijosGard
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“ I lookedat womenthrough thelens
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What does the manifestation ofoutwa
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some time when she stumbled upon a
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words by marlies ambergerart by emb
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few years. Who cares about a market
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“They’re the best. They’re li
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When the cheese phalluses at Big Au
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I now stood about a yard away from
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The Ghost ofthe DrywallMeaghan Scot
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A BULL, A PIG, ANDWALK INTO A CAFE.
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Main Street Magazine Spring 2021

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