2 DeMause Manuscript--Jan 2022 Circulating draft

Wolterstorff; Strathy / BETTER PARENTS / 1 

Eric Wolterstorff 

3885 Orange Court 

Boulder, CO 80304 USA 

ewolterstorff@gmail.com 

303-638-2451 

Glen Strathy 

844 Lotus Ave. 

Kingston, Ontario, 

K7K 0A6, CANADA 

gstrathy@cogeco.ca 

613-542-0182 

Better Parents, Better Children 

Making Your Family the Happiest It Can Be 

by Eric Wolterstorff, Ph.D. with Glen C. Strathy


Contents 

Introduction 

Part One: Assessing Your Own Childhood Environment 

Chapter 1: Self-Assessment Quiz 

Chapter 2: Survival 

Chapter 3: Provision 

Chapter 4: Structured Family 

Chapter 5: Fellowship 

Chapter 6: Individiuality 

Chapter 7: Inclusion 

Chapter 8: Tips on Self-Assessment 

Part Two: Parenting Within a Community 

Chapter 9: Passing on the Gifts You Received 

Chapter 10: Assessing Your Child's Community 

Chapter 11: Negotiating Home and Community Differences 

Chapter 12: School as an Ally 

Chapter 13: A Note on Unstable Schools 

Chapter 14: Religion as an Ally 

Chapter 15: Other Organizations as Allies


Part Three: Creating a Home Environment 

Chapter 16: One Reason You Can't Parent Above Your Level 

Chapter 17: Building a Survival Home 

Chapter 18: Building a Provision Home 

Chapter 19: Building a Structured Family Home 

Chapter 20: Building a Fellowship Home 

Chapter 21: Building an Individuality Home 

Chapter 22: Building an Inclusion Home 

Chapter 23: When Parents are Raised at Different Levels 

Chapter 24: Gender Issues 

Part 4: Becoming a Better, Happier Parent 

Chapter 25: Another Reason You Can’t Parent Above Your Level 

Chapter 26: How Your Past Affects Your Parenting 

Chapter 27: Two Skills Essential for Renovation Work 

Chapter 28: Planning Your Renovation 

Chapter 29: Deciding what to renovate first. 

Chapter 30: Renovation 

Chapter 31: Stabilizing Your Current Level 

Chapter 32: Should You Try to Move Up a Level? 

Epilogue: Will There Ever Be a 7th Gift? 

Resources


Introduction 

Right Parenting Approach for You and Your Children 

Raising a child may well be the most rewarding project you ever take on and the 

greatest responsibility you will ever bear. Your relationship with your child could outlast 

any other relationship in your life--perhaps longer than your relationship with your 

spouse or your parents. For the first eighteen years of your child's life, you will be 

responsible for her safety, welfare, and behavior. Your influence over her will persist 

well into her future life as an adult. Her personality, the choices she makes, how easily 

she overcomes obstacles and takes advantage of opportunities, will to a great extent 

result from the upbringing you have given her. 

As a parent, you have two challenges. First, you must pass on the best aspects 

of your own upbringing. You must follow the principles and methods your parents used 

that benefited you, even though you (and perhaps your parents) may have little 

conscious memory of what they were. Second and more difficult, you must try to give 

your children a better upbringing than the one you received. You want to ensure they 

never experience anything like the worst aspects of your childhood. You want them to 

live a happier and more prosperous life than you are enjoying now. 

Figuring out how to be the best parent possible can be a daunting task, one both


aided and made more difficult by the volume of parenting advice available. Decades of 

research in fields such as psychology, pediatrics, and child development, as well as a 

volume of anecdotal accounts has led to a steady stream of books and articles about 

parenting. You can take courses on parenting, both online and in person, and some 

high schools include basic parenting as part of the health curriculum. All this is in 

addition to the advice offered by clergy, teachers, grandparents, in-laws, siblings, and 

friends (those with and without children of their own). New and aspiring parents often 

take the message that parenting cannot be left to amateurs. Parents must develop 

expertise and follow the current "best practices" in the field to avoid doing their children 

a disservice and limiting their future success and happiness. 

Things might be easier if there were one accepted parenting approach that 

worked for all children and all parents. Unfortunately, that is not the case. Many different 

parenting philosophies exist, some based on traditional practices of families and 

cultures, others based on recent discoveries in psychology or neuroanatomy. Each 

philosophy has its own priorities and limitations. You can spend a lot of time and effort 

searching for an approach that addresses your needs and yields the best results for 

your family. And whichever approach you choose, so much depends on your ability to 

implement it and how you react emotionally when difficult situations arise. 

For instance, one popular parenting approach in recent years has been 

"attachment parenting," in which parents try to foster a close relationship and maintain a 

close physical presence with their children. Attachment parenting aims to help parents 

understand their children's needs better and provide a constant role model for their 

children to follow. If, as a child, you felt your parents were too distant and wished they 

had spent more time with you, you may find this philosophy appealing. However, after a 

few weeks of constant close contact with your toddler, you may find yourself growing


irritable and frustrated with her constant demands, not to mention being incessantly 

poked, crawled on, spat on, and clung to. You may crave time to yourself with no one 

touching you so you can do some adult things. Not to mention, you may have a spouse 

who feels neglected as you devote all your time to your child. 

Other parenting approaches focus on children's need for structure. They 

advocate establishing routines, timetables, boundaries, and rules. Some lay out strict 

procedures regarding discipline. These methods promise to give your children a 

predictable, secure environment. Such an approach may make sense to you, if you feel 

your own childhood lacked a sense of security, order, or predictability. Trouble is, after a 

few weeks of trying to structure your child's life, you may find following all these rules 

and schedules drives you crazy. You may realize you've never managed to organize 

your own life to such an extent. Trying to organize the life of your child (who may not be 

on board with the plan) is a nightmare. 

Another popular approach emphasizes making your child spend as much time as 

possible developing skills that will prepare her for success as an adult. This may start 

with coaching and tutoring to help her excel in preschool and then continue into extracurricular 

lessons that prepare her to earn prizes and accolades. It doesn't matter what 

the chosen skills are. They could involve any academic, artistic, or athletic ability the 

world values. What matters is that your child develops the discipline required to excel at 

whatever she does. If you feel your parents didn't encourage you or provide you with 

enough enrichment activities, you may be drawn to this approach. The downside 

however is that pushing your child to excel can create a lot of stress and fighting in your 

home--especially if your child decides she hates practising and doesn't care about 

winning prizes. You may also find this approach changes your relationship with your 

child, requiring you to become more strict and demanding. You may worry your child's


strongest memories will be of you being angry with her for not meeting your 

expectations. 

Alternatively, you might be drawn to a parenting philosophy that says children 

need more freedom and independence from adult demands to explore their own 

interests and develop a stronger sense of self. You may wish your parents had been 

less controlling and intrusive when you were young. So, you try taking a more "hands 

off" approach with your own child... only to find yourself worrying what your child does 

when you’re not supervising her. Is she physically safe? Is she doing something risky 

online? What is she getting up to with her friends? Is she hanging around with bad 

influences? What's going on in her head? (This may be especially true when your child 

reaches adolescence.) You may worry that, instead of using the freedom you gave her 

to do meaningful self-exploration or develop amazing talents, your child instead is 

wasting too much time on unproductive activities. What will you do if you experience 

such feelings? Will you abandon your chosen philosophy for its opposite? 

Many people will look at the shortcomings of various parenting approaches and 

conclude that none of them offer an approach that works for every parent or child and 

that every parent in the end must trust her instinct and go with what works for her. We 

would argue differently. We would say that a parent's emotional state when trying to 

implement a particular parenting strategy will generally align with the parent's own 

upbringing and life experiences. Most parenting philosophies will work for some parents 

and not others because each philosophy typically addresses the needs of one group of 

parents, while being irrelevant or unworkable for the majority. 

However, we would also say that, while many parenting approaches won't work 

for you, there is an approach that will. Given the nature of your upbringing and 

background, we can prescribe an approach that will address your needs and the needs


of your child in the best possible way. It may not be the approach you are drawn to at 

first glance. It may not be the approach that works for your neighbors or the one that is 

popular just now. But it will give your child a happier, more secure upbringing and 

prepare her to be happier more successful adult. 

This book draws upon the work of psychohistorian Lloyd DeMause who 

conducted extensive studies of childrearing practices throughout history. DeMause 

identified six major styles of parenting that humans have employed throughout history. 

Working with various colleagues, he found these styles also at work across a variety of 

cultures. The styles build upon each other in a necessary and predictable order over 

many generations. As each new style becomes dominant within a culture, it offers 

children unique gifts, including a greater degree of security and greater freedom for selfexpression 

and self-determination – in other words, happiness. Happier children have 

more capacity to form positive relationships and develop their individual talents. They 

become adults who are better equipped to create meaningful lives for themselves and 

contribute to their community. Naturally, adults are inclined to pass on the gifts of their 

upbringing to their own children and some will attempt to improve upon it, which is why 

childrearing progresses over generations. 

Moreover, DeMause discovered parallels between the spread of new parenting 

styles and the way societies change and evolve. As more advanced parenting styles 

become dominant, the amount of violence within society declines and cooperation 

increases. Greater cooperation allows societies to build better organized institutions that 

can solve more complex problems. In other words, the advancement of human societies 

throughout history has occurred alongside improvements in childrearing and may be 

largely the result of such improvements. 

Like DeMause, Eric Wolterstorff has a background in both psychotherapy and


sociology. He began his clinical practice in the 1990s, during a period when the field of 

psychotherapy was coming to be dominated by two major approaches. One approach 

focuses on developmental issues--the stages when children reach psychological 

milestones, such as a sense of safety, connection, fairness, nurturing, or autonomy. 

Following this approach, therapists will look at how a client's difficulties in life may stem 

from not having attained certain milestones in childhood. The therapy involves taking 

remedial steps to help clients attain the milestones they may have missed or got stuck 

on. 

The other approach in psychotherapy focuses on how a client's difficulties might 

stem from incidents or periods of severe distress in childhood or young adulthood in 

which she had experienced disassociation and other posttraumatic symptoms. 

Dissociation is a tool by which the conscious mind copes with overwhelming physical 

and emotional pain by distancing itself from the memory of the experience. Traumatic 

memories, though suppressed, can be triggered by present situations, causing a person 

to have behave irrationally or experience unpleasant emotions. Briefly stated, trauma 

therapy consists of helping a client heal from traumatic experiences by integrating the 

memories of those experiences back into her conscious awareness. Once the client's 

mind has integrated a memory, it stops compelling her to behave in maladaptive or 

irrational ways. 

Eric spent many years working with clients and training psychotherapists in 

trauma recovery therapy. He also practised family therapy, a discipline which focuses 

on reforming the dynamics of relationships within families so they function better. 

However, it was while Eric was working on his Ph.D. thesis on the effects of stress and 

trauma on larger communities that he began to explore the works of DeMause. 

While DeMause concerns himself with the history of childrearing and its effect on


society, Eric found that DeMause's six-level model has several practical applications 

when working with individuals and groups. For instance, in the field of psychotherapy 

and counseling, therapists use many different approaches to help clients. Each therapist 

generally uses whatever approach they prefer or were trained in. Many therapists rely 

on variety of approaches combined with their own subjective instinct and experience in 

their effort to find what works best for each client. 

DeMause did not create a psychotherapy technique. However, Eric discovered 

therapists can use the DeMause model to assess a client’s childhood experiences and 

create better therapeutic strategies. Each of DeMause's six parenting styles creates a 

distinct milieu or environment within a child's home, which gives her a distinct 

understanding of the world that she carries into adulthood. That understanding 

determines many of the advantages and challenges she will experience in adult life, 

how she interprets her experiences, and what types of counseling will make the most 

positive changes in her life. By using the best approach for each client, the process of 

psychotherapy or counseling leads to bigger, faster gains at considerably lower cost. 

Eric also found that DeMause's model provides a way to understand why 

experiences that are traumatic for one person may not be perceived as traumatic by 

someone else. In its common (non-technical) meaning, trauma can be defined as an 

experience that violates a person's fundamental sense of security and understanding of 

the world, an understanding she derives from the level of parenting she received. An 

experience that may be viewed as "normal" to someone who was raised at one level 

may be experienced as traumatic to someone who was raised at a much higher level. 

Moreover, as a person's psyche evolves throughout her life, experiences she may have 

accepted as normal when she was a child may, on mature reflection, be felt as 

traumatic. Healing those traumas may bring benefits she would never previously have


imagined. 

In the early 2000s, Eric began a series of projects that involved negotiating 

agreements between groups of people from different backgrounds that were in crisis or 

had experienced a catastrophic event. These included groups from developed and 

developing nations, groups with different ethnicities or cultures, or businesses with 

different corporate cultures. Since 2013, he has used DeMause’s model to work with 

communities in postwar environments. His observations anecdotally confirmed 

DeMause’s claim that the higher the level of childrearing within a community, the 

greater the ability of adults in that community to build cooperative relationships and 

institutions. In all cases, he found the easiest way to understand a culture and the 

capacity of its members to form lasting, peaceful, and mutually beneficial agreements 

was to learn about that culture’s dominant childrearing approach. Eric’s findings have 

led to his development of a method for analyzing cultures and making more effective 

cross-cultural agreements. 

Of course, the most important application of DeMause's model is in childrearing 

itself. The model can point parents toward strategies that better support their children’s 

psychological and social development. Moreover, different strategies will be best for 

different parents. Parents cannot simply decide to parent their child at the highest of the 

six levels. As tempting though that may be, it regularly fails in practice. The most 

effective parenting method will depend on how the parents themselves were raised and 

the types of trauma they have experienced. 

DeMause's six levels of parenting constitute a developmental model, with 

parallels to other models of childhood and adult development. Developmental models 

are based on the notion that as children grow, they develop certain traits and capacities 

in a series of distinct stages. A child cannot skip any of the stages because each stage


must be built on the one before. 

The best-known developmental model in the field of child psychology was 

created by Jean Piaget who observed that children's cognitive development passes 

through four distinct stages as they explore and learn about their world. Other 

developmental models look at how children physically mature, the rate at which they 

develop physical abilities, such as fine motor skills, how their language skills develop, 

and typical age-based behaviors. Developmental models are based on extensive 

observations of average children's growth and behavior at different ages. Doctors and 

psychologists use them to determine if a child's development lags in certain areas and 

could benefit from intervention. 

In DeMause's model, each of the six approaches to parenting supports a different 

stage in a child’s development. As children reach one stage, they gain the capacity to 

benefit from the next higher level of parenting. An ideal parent would adjust her 

parenting method as her child gets older in a way that supports the child’s emerging 

capacities. Few parents are ideal, of course, and many children never experience an 

environment in which all their capacities are supported. A few children may develop 

capacities in adulthood through self-reflection, psychotherapy, or other methods, but 

most people never develop capacities beyond what their childhood environment 

supported. 

Though the average is higher in developed nations, historically and in many parts 

of the world, parenting styles, communities, and individuals have rarely advanced 

beyond the first three levels of the DeMause model. Progress in childrearing happens 

slowly over many generations because most parents cannot create an environment for 

their children higher than the one they were raised in without considerable effort. 

To determine the best parenting approach for you and your child, you must first


understand the level of your own upbringing and the level of the community in which 

you will raise your children. If you have a partner, he will want to know the level of his 

upbringing as well. Each parent’s upbringing gives them certain gifts but also certain 

challenges. Your first tasks as a parent will be to give your child the gifts you received 

and to address the challenges particular to your level. We have included chapters in this 

book that outline the basic steps on how to do this. You may also choose to supplement 

this book by seeking the advice of other books and parenting “gurus.” We would stress 

that the most helpful advice and experts will be those that prioritize the challenges of 

your level. When you know the level of your upbringing, you can recognize whether a 

particular parenting approach addresses your needs or whether it is aimed at parents 

with different backgrounds and concerns. Advice that addresses a level other than your 

own will usually prove irrelevant or unworkable. 

The fourth part of this book will show you how to recover from the traumatic 

experiences you may have had as a child or young adult. This work matters, because 

unresolved traumas can undermine your effectiveness as a parent (as well as in other 

areas of your life). As you progress along the path of self-improvement, you will gain the 

capacity to be a better parent and a happier, more fulfilled, and more successful person- 

-and to help your children do the same. 

For many parents, mastering the challenges of their own level of upbringing and 

raising their children in a better version of that level is a huge accomplishment. 

However, once you have achieved this goal, you may attempt to shift your family to the 

next highest of the six levels. To do this, you will first have to shift yourself. And your 

partner may have to do the same. While this will require effort, it will also be highly 

rewarding, helping your entire family to create happier and more fulfilled lives. We have 

outlined the steps you will need to do this work, provided you have the time and


dedication. 

Bear in mind, as you do the work of self-improvement, your children will be 

growing up. They may reach the age where they are ready to experience a higher level 

than you are able to offer them. Don't worry about this. Almost all parents today and 

throughout history have been in this situation, whether they recognized it or not. All you 

can do is offer your child the best that you have achieved, and don't try to offer 

something you have not. If your children surpass you and offer your grandchildren a 

better upbringing than you were able to give them, they will have you to thank for giving 

them a solid platform that supports their effort. Perhaps bear in mind the words of the 

great poet Kahlil Gibran: 

"You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. 

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with 

His might that His arrows may go swift and far. 

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness; 

For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is 

stable."


Part One 

Understanding Your Own Childhood


Chapter 1 

Self-Assessment Quiz 

To become a better parent, you must first understand how your own upbringing 

and experiences have shaped the way you see the world and your sense of what a 

"normal" childhood looks like. As a child, you learned to cope and adapt to the 

environment created by your parents or other caregivers. In turn, your childhood 

environment prepared you to cope with the world in similar ways as an adult. All things 

being equal, you will create a similar environment for your own children, one that 

teaches them the same view of the world. You will parent much the way you were 

parented. 

The multi-generational passing on of worldviews means you are unlikely to 

create a worse environment for your children than the one you grew up in. You will 

instinctively strive to give your children the same benefits you received. You would have 

to experience a considerable amount of debilitating stress or trauma for your own 

worldview to be changed to the point that you create a worse environment for your 

children. On the other hand, giving your children a better upbringing than the one you 

received can be a challenge, because it requires changing your fundamental 

understanding of the world and learning how to interact with your children in ways that


differ from how your parents interacted with you. 

To give your children a better upbringing, you must know your starting point--the 

type of childhood environment you experienced and how it taught you to see the world. 

As mentioned in the introduction, human beings have used six basic approaches to 

parenting throughout history. These correspond to six types of childhood environment. 

Knowing the type of environment you experienced as a child and the advantages and 

disadvantages it gave you will tell you how to create a better environment for your 

children. 

Bear in mind that your effort to become a better parent will involve becoming a 

happier and more successful person yourself. An environment that gives your children 

greater security, freedom, and opportunities to develop their potential will also be a 

better environment for you, one with less stress and more enjoyable interactions. The 

entire family will benefit from the process. 

The following quiz will help you assess your current worldview and the type of 

upbringing you experienced. Your answers will help you identify which of the six levels 

your childhood environment corresponded to, as well as your instincts and challenges 

as a parent. 

Section One: Your Childhood 

A. What was the BEST thing about your childhood and the adults who raised you 

(parents or other caregivers)? Pick the statement that comes closest. 

1. "I'm lucky to be alive today." 

2. "My parents had their problems, but they gave me a home and other 

necessities and didn't abandon me."


3. "My parents fulfilled their roles as father/mother as best they could and taught 

me to play a valuable role in my family." 

4. "My parents were strict, but they taught me right from wrong. I learned how to 

plan/manage my life by working within the rules." 

5. "My parents respected my privacy and let me pursue many of my own 

interests. They taught me to strive for success and to look respectable." 

6. "My parents supported me in pursuing my own interests and goals and 

encouraged me to be myself." 

Answer: ___ 

B. What was the WORST thing about your childhood and the adults who raised 

you? Pick the statement that comes closest. 

1. "I constantly feared for my life." (Either because your father or mother was a 

danger to you or your siblings or because your home was in a dangerous area.) 

2a. "I was orphaned or abandoned by one or more parents (either physically or 

emotionally)." 

2b. "My parents were terrible providers. I often felt hungry, deprived, or at risk of 

serious deprivation." 

2c. "I constantly feared that my parents would divorce, abandon me, or fail to 

provide for me." 

3. "My parents failed to be proper parents. They didn't respect or value me. They 

punished or touched me when they felt like it. They treated me like a servant." 

4. "My parents were often unfair and inconsistent. They broke promises. They 

behaved hypocritically. 'Do what I say, not what I do' seemed to be their motto." 

5. "My parents set impossibly high expectations and were obsessed with


appearances. I could never live up to their standards." 

6. "My parents didn't always approve of my choices or give me the help I 

needed." 

Answer: ___ 

C. Which of the following statements best describes how difficult it was for you as 

a child to defy your parents? 

1. I feared that disobeying my parents would put my life in danger. 

2. I feared that if I disobeyed my parents they might kick me out or abandon me. 

3. Disobeying my parents for any reason resulted in severe punishment. 

4. Most of the time, I had to do what I was told. But if my parents were being 

unfair, breaking a promise, or not following the rules, I could plead my case with them 

and maybe persuade them to change their mind. 

5. Provided I met my parents' expectations (earned accolades, looked 

respectable, didn't get into trouble), they pretty much let me do what I wanted to do. 

6. When I objected to doing what my parents asked, they tried to understand why 

I objected before making their final decision. Often, they saw my point of view. 

Answer: ___ 

Section Two: Your Adult Life 

A. Which of the following statements best describes your struggle to overcome 

negative or harmful impulses? 

1a. "I sometimes have violent outbursts that are hard to control. At those times, I 

could kill someone if I'm not careful."


1b."I fear that if I'm not careful I could provoke the wrong person and get myself 

killed." 

2a. "When a relationship gets too intense, I usually sabotage it or end it." 

2b. "I tend to stay in bad relationships longer than I should." 

3. "I find it hard to deny my own impulses in order to fulfill my family obligations." 

4. "I find it hard not to give into temptation and do things that are hypocritical or 

immoral." 

5a. "I have a hard time tolerating people who are different. It's hard not to insult 

them." 

5b. "I have a hard time maintaining a veneer of respectability and politeness in 

social situations." 

6. "I find it hard to listen to people I do not like." 

Answer: ___ 

B. When you look at a significant person in your life and imagine their thoughts 

and feelings, which of the following areas is your primary concern (choose one of the 

six) ... 

1. Power and Danger: 

* How much power does this person have compared to me? 

* If I am more powerful than this person, what could I get them to do for me? How 

weak are they? Could I kill them if I needed to? Could I make them fear me? 

* Does this person have violent intentions toward me or others? How much of a 

threat are they? 

* If this person is more powerful than me, what do they think about me? How do I 

keep them from getting angry with me? How could I get them to protect me?


2. Power and Abandonment 

How much power does this person have over my relationships? 

* If this person is powerful, how can I get them to notice me and like me? How 

can I please them? What do they want or need? 

* How can I connect with this person? How do I make sure this person does not 

leave me? 

* If I am more powerful than this person, how do I control them? How do I make 

them dependent on me? Can I count on their loyalty? 

How much does this person need me? Can I make them need me more? 

How secure is my relationship with this person? 

3. Power and Family 

* How much power does this person have over me or my family? 

* If this person is powerful, how honorable are they? What do they want or 

need? 

How do they see me right now? How could I influence them to protect 

me or my family? 

* How can I influence this person to act more honorably toward me or my family? 

4. Beliefs and Morality 

* Does this person share my beliefs and moral code? 

* If this person shares my beliefs, how faithfully do they follow the rules? Are 

they a good role model for me? How can I help them to follow the rules? 

* If this person does not share my beliefs, can I convert them to my beliefs or 

should I stay away from them?


5. Public vs. Private 

* Is this person respectable and successful. Is this a good person? 

* What is this person like on the inside? What do they really think or feel? How do 

they act in private? What are their personal interests? 

* How does this person balance their need for both outward respectability and 

personal fulfillment? 

* Does this person respect the image of myself I present? 

* Does this person see the real me hidden beneath the image I present? 

* Is it safe for me to share my private self with this person? 

6. Helping 

* How does this person see the world? 

* What is important to this person? 

* How does this person see me? 

* What does this person want and need? 

* How might I best help this person? 

Answer: ___ 

C. Which principle of morality is closest to being the central challenge of your 

life? 

1. Do not kill, except in self-defense or to protect the innocent from being killed. 

2. Never abandon your loved ones. Stick by them in good times and bad. 

3. The needs of the family must always come before one's personal desires. 

4. Treat everyone fairly and impartially, according to the rules of ethics, morality,


and the law. No exceptions. 

5. Follow your conscience in determining how to apply the rules in the most 

moral and ethical way according to the situation. The spirit of the law is more important 

than the letter of the law. 

6. Serve others patiently in the way that is best for them, provided it won't restrict 

others from living their lives fully, and even if it goes against your personal preferences. 

Answer: ___ 

D. Which statement best reflects your approach or attitude toward planning for 

the future? 

1. Staying alive today is enough of a challenge. I'll deal with tomorrow when it 

comes. 

2. Keeping my family together and paying the bills on time is enough of a 

challenge. Worrying about the future a waste of time. 

3. My challenge is to honor my ancestors and meet my family obligations, so the 

family will be strong and prosperous long after I'm gone. 

4. If I have faith and follow the rules, I will be rewarded, if not in this life than in 

the next. But if I make plans and stick to them, I'm more likely to get rewards in this life. 

5. My challenge is to meet my career goals, so I will have the freedom to fulfill my 

personal dreams. 

6. My challenge is to be true to myself while making a better world and a better 

future for everyone. 

Answer: ___ 

E. Which statement best reflects your feelings regarding trusting others?


1. The world is full of people who will murder you if you give them half a chance-- 

so never give them a chance. 

2. Relationships come and go. When the chips are down, the only person you 

can count on is yourself. 

3. I trust my family, because they are the only ones who will be there for me in 

times of need, just as I am there for them. 

4. I trust people who share my beliefs and are part of my community. I don't trust 

outsiders. 

5. I trust people who look respectable and treat others with courtesy and respect, 

regardless of their background. 

6. I consider everyone to be part of my community. I trust people unless or until I 

have a reason not to and I try to be worthy of other people's trust. 

Answer: ___ 

F. Which of the following areas do the biggest problems or dramas in your life 

tend to revolve around? 

1. Staying alive or keeping others alive. 

2. Finding and maintaining relationships or getting your material needs met. 

3. Meeting your obligations to your family. 

4. Following the rules of your religion or community and leading a moral life. 

5. Being successful and respected in the world while having a meaningful private 

life. 

6. Leading a life that combines and balances service to others, personal 

fulfillment, and self-expression.


Answer: ___ 

Section Three: Parenting 

A. Which of the following do you see as your primary challenge as a parent? 

1. Keeping your children alive. 

2. Providing for your children's needs and being there for them. 

3. Fulfilling your role as a mother or father and training your children to fulfill their 

role in the family. 

4. Teaching your children right from wrong and to follow the rules, being fair with 

them, and setting a good example for them. 

5. Setting high expectations for your children while trusting them to find their own 

path to achievement. 

6. Helping your children achieve the goals they choose in their own unique way. 

Answer: ___ 

B. As a parent, the greatest service you could do for your children would be to... 

1. Lay down your life to save theirs. 

2. Never abandon them and teach them not to abandon their loved ones. 

3. Fulfill your role as a parent honorably and prepare your children to lead the 

family when you're gone. 

4. Be strict, but fair, so they learn right from wrong. Be a good role model, so 

your children can one day be role models for others. 

5. Set high expectations for them (so they win accolades) while tolerating their 

individuality. 

6. Support them in becoming the best version of themselves, expressing their


uniqueness, and fulfilling their dreams. 

Answer: ___ 

Scoring: 

How many of your answers were number 1, 2, 3, etc.? The most frequent 

number will most likely correspond to the level of your upbringing according to the 

following scheme: 

1: Survival 

2: Provision 

3: Structured Family 

4: Fellowship 

5: Individuality 

6: Inclusion 

My level: _____________ 

After scoring, turn to the chapters that follow. You should find the one describing 

your level the easiest to relate to.


Chapter Two: Survival 

The first gift a parent can give a child seems so basic, so obvious it may scarcely 

seem worth mentioning, particularly if you grew up in a developed country. Yet its 

importance cannot be overstated. Simply put, the first gift a parent offers their children is 

to keep them alive long enough to reach adulthood. 

Most people in today's advanced nations can take for granted that children will 

live to become adults (except in rare cases of fatal accidents or illnesses). However, 

historically a child's chances of survival have never been as high as today. Prior to the 

19th century, the average number of children worldwide who died before age 15 was 

46.2%. 1 This high youth mortality rate can only partially be the result of disease and 

accidents. The shocking truth most people most people prefer to overlook is that large 

numbers of children throughout history have been killed by adults--often their own 

parents. As described in detail by Lloyd DeMause's books and the Journal of 

Psychohistory, for most of human history infanticide, child sacrifice, and various forms 

of abuse and neglect were commonplace and led to the premature death of many 

1 Max Roser, "Mortality in the past--around half died as 

children," Our World in Data (June 11, 2019) 

https://ourworldindata.org/child-mortality-in-the-past#licence


children. 

In advanced countries, most people consider killing children unthinkable, 

something outside normal life. Those who grew up in such countries may be familiar 

with legends about women who killed their children as an act of revenge against their 

disloyal husbands--Medea of Ancient Greece, or Cortez's Native Mexican mistress, La 

Llorona. They have heard fairy tales in which parents abandon their children in the 

woods to die or stepmothers who try to kill the children of their husband's first wife. They 

may have read about mythological figures, such as Chronos, who ate his own children 

to avoid being overthrown by them or historical persons such as Abbas the Great and 

Ivan the Terrible who killed their sons for similar reasons. But these stories are either 

fictional or exceptional. What history often neglects to mention is that before the last 

century or two the killing of children was common and generally went unpunished. 

Around 1800, the worldwide youth mortality rate began dropping. By 1950, it had 

fallen to 27% and the decline accelerated. Today, youth mortality stands at a record low 

of 4.6%. No doubt the reduction in children's deaths partly results from the development 

of modern medicine, food security, and hygiene. However, another factor we cannot 

ignore is the evolution of human culture, in particular people's attitudes toward children 

and parenting. The abuse of children that was widespread centuries ago has become 

intolerable in much of today's world. Children have rights today, whereas in earlier 

centuries they had none. Childrearing practices that were common in North America as 

recently as the 1950s are now disapproved of or illegal. Today, civilized nations regard 

safeguarding the lives of children as their highest priority and the greatest duty of any 

parent. After thousands of years of human culture, the world has dispensed with the 

most savage aspects of our past, and most children now receive the first and most 

important gift: Survival.


However, for a child to properly receive the gift of the gift of Survival, parents 

must do more than simply keep them alive for 16 years or more. Children must grow up 

knowing that the adults in their lives are able and determined to keep them safe from 

physical harm. If they do not, if they grow up in an environment where they believe 

adults (and especially the adults closest to them) could kill them, let them die through 

inaction, or be unable to protect them, that insecurity can haunt them for their entire 

lives. We would describe them as having been raised in an unstable Survival 

environment. Children who experience such a childhood will likely grow up to be adults 

whose fundamental understanding of the world prevents them from being happy or 

successful. They will be people who have a hard time thriving in a civilized community. 

Most people reading this book are unlikely to have grown up in an unstable 

Survival level and will not be the kind of parent who would tolerate the endangerment of 

children. Providing children with an environment where they are safe will be so 

fundamental and instinctive, they won't have to ever think about it. Nonetheless, some 

readers may encounter people who grew up in a Survival environment. A few may have 

grown up in one themselves or had relatives who did. 

The most obvious places in the world where children fear for their lives are those 

where law and order do not exist or where the country is experiencing war, revolution, 

or civil unrest. For example, as we write this the Syrian civil war has been raging for a 

decade. Other civil wars and violent civil conflicts are taking place in another two dozen 

countries. An estimated 250,000 children are currently being used as soldiers and put in 

situations where they must either kill or be killed. Unstable Survival environments can 

also be created by natural disasters or pandemics that force adults to fight each other 

for survival, or practices such as infanticide, which is believed to still occur in parts of


Papua New Guinea and Asia. 2 Children growing up in any of these environments 

cannot feel their lives are safe. They will see the world as dangerous place and adults 

as the biggest threat. 

Even in developed areas like the US and Europe, a few parents kill their children. 

Fortunately, such killings are illegal and so rare they make for shocking news headlines. 

When they are discovered, the law punishes these parents and puts their surviving 

children into protective care. Nonetheless, even in advanced countries, a few children 

grow up in such an environment. 

Bear in mind, children do not have to witness killing or suffer near-fatal injuries 

for their childhood environment to be classified as unstable Survival. If parents regularly 

threaten to kill their children in ways so convincing that the children believe the threat, 

the children's psyches will be as adversely affected as if they had experienced actual 

life-threatening incidents. Even witnessing threats being made against other children 

can be traumatic for a child. 

For example, Eric had a client who grew up with a sadistic foster mother. 

Sometimes, when the children were eating dinner, she would walk around the table 

holding a large knife and tell the children if they didn't behave she would cut their 

throats. Another of Eric's clients grew up in Harlem during a difficult period where he 

saw teenagers being lost to drugs, becoming addicts, and sometimes dying. His young 

mind drew the reasonable conclusion that children's lives were not safe in his world. A 

woman Eric trained as a psychotherapist had a father who was mentally unstable. One 

time, he invited his daughter into the garage where he kept his guns. Holding a gun as if 

he was about to fire, he said, "This is what I do to children who don't behave." From 

2 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infanticide#Mainland_China


then on, she believed her father would shoot her if she misbehaved. She had seen her 

father hunting, so she knew he could kill. And with her father's mental illness, she 

believed he was quite capable of carrying out his threat. 

A childhood marked by a constant fear of being killed by adults is the worst kind 

of childhood. A community where the dominant culture permits this behavior is a place 

where adults cannot trust other adults or even themselves to refrain from violent 

outbursts. Everyone must stay on their guard. Children may witness friends or siblings 

being killed and live with the fear they could be next. When children grow up believing 

people's lives are constantly in danger, they cannot experience freedom, security, or 

happiness. 

Growing up in an unstable Survival environment can skews a child's perception 

of the world in ways others would find difficult to comprehend. A child cannot feel safe in 

such an environment. Anyone can change from friend to foe at any moment, and a 

person's life can be drastically changed or ended in a heartbeat. A child who grows up 

in an unstable Survival environment can grow up to be a chaotic and dangerous adult. 

Constantly fearing someone could try to kill her at any moment, she will perceive danger 

where none exists and could respond with murderous violence intended to eliminate 

imagined threats. A community where many people have had such childhoods is one 

where violence can erupt at any moment. 

Many people have had brief Survival level experiences at some point in their life. 

Sometimes these are isolated events, such as a near-fatal car crash. Other experiences 

can last several weeks or months, such as a military tour of duty in a combat zone. 

Such experiences give a person a taste of what life is like at the Survival level--but only 

a taste. The difference between a brief Survival level experience and a childhood in 

which Survival defines your sense of normality is enormous. In some ways, it's like the


difference between visiting a poorer country as a tourist and growing up there. The 

tourist's experience is voluntary, selective, and short. The tourist has a different life she 

will return to. The native's experience is involuntary. She has no protection or relief from 

that environment. She knows no other reality. 

In his book, The Better Angels of Our Nature, Steven Pinker discusses four main 

traits which have developed within advanced human culture as child-rearing practices 

have evolved. These traits are empathy, reason, self-control, and morality. Children who 

grow up in an unstable Survival level environment tend to become adults who exhibit 

the lowest or baseline level of these traits. Here's how these traits will typically manifest: 

Focused Empathy 

Empathy is the ability to put oneself in someone else's shoes, to understand what 

they are thinking and feeling. A child who grows up in unstable Survival environment will 

devote most of her empathic capacity to assessing the people around her at every 

moment to decide if they are safe or dangerous. Because she could never know when a 

mortal threat would arise, she has a developed a heightened sensitivity to warning 

signs. She is keenly aware who has the most power or represents the biggest threat in 

her immediate environment. 

If you were raised in an unstable Survival environment, you will instinctively 

adapt your personality to accord with the most powerful person near you. If that person 

is a threat, you will do all you can to placate her. You will craft plans to incapacitate her 

or escape, should she become provoked. If someone seems powerful but safe, you will 

do all you can to ingratiate yourself, so the person will protect you from those who might 

attack you. Your interest in other people revolves around how they may affect your 

efforts to protect yourself. Who could you use to distract someone dangerous while you


run away? Who could you betray to save yourself? Who is most likely to betray you? 

The downside to this heightened preoccupation with danger is that you will pay 

less attention to other traits of the people around you. You may not care if someone is 

kind, smart, affable, honest, reliable, creative, funny, etc. Such considerations pale in 

importance. 

Belief in an Irrational World 

Being raised in an unstable Survival environment gives you an instinctive belief 

that the world is irrational, unpredictable, and chaotic. Just as the adults who raised you 

could shift from being kind one moment to threatening your life the next, you know 

everyone around you has the capacity to become a threat at a moment's notice. Allies, 

friends, and lovers can turn on you, so you never let yourself be vulnerable. 

As a result of your sensitivity to danger, you devote much of your intellectual 

capacity to figuring out how to survive from moment to moment. You have little capacity 

to make long-term plans. What use are plans when surviving today is enough of a 

challenge? Because your world is unpredictable, you see little point in trying to 

understand why things happen or to better your life. 

Instead, you must dedicate yourself to calculating the course of action that will 

give you the greatest chance of survival when the next threat arises. You may have an 

instinctive urge to run at the first sign of danger. You must be prepared to leave your 

home, possessions, friends, etc. at a moment's notice. You may keep your savings in 

the form of cash on hand that you can grab on your way out the door. You may always 

want multiple escape routes available, should you need to run. And if you cannot run, 

you must be prepared to eliminate a threat as soon as it appears. Again, these are all 

part of a survival plan designed to keep yourself alive in a dangerous environment.


People raised at higher levels often don't understand the thought process of 

those raised at the Survival level. A good illustration of this is depicted in the play 

Brighten Beach Memoirs by Neil Simon. In one scene, the mother, Kate, is sending her 

son, Eugene, to the corner store: 

Kate: And get a quarter pound of butter. 

Eugene: I bought a quarter pound of butter this morning. Why don't you buy a 

half pound at a time? 

Kate: And suppose the house burned down this afternoon? Why do I need an 

extra quarter pound of butter? 

Eugene: If my mother taught logic in high school, this would be some weird 

country. 

To Eugene, a second-generation immigrant who grew up in a safe neighborhood, 

Kate's assessment of risk seems irrational. Yet it is completely rational to Kate, who 

grew up in a Jewish community in Poland during a time of invasions and pogroms, 

when families had to be ready to flee for their lives at a moment's notice. 

Selective Impulse Control 

Being raised at the unstable Survival stage means your impulse control, whether 

strong or weak, will have everything to do with killing or being killed. Because you could 

never assume you were safe as a child, you cannot do so as an adult. 

If you are the most powerful person in the environment, you may be prone to 

unpredictable and violent outbursts. Little things can set you off, make you feel like your 

life is in danger when in reality you are safe. Your impulse will be to destroy the 

perceived threat before it destroys you, so you lash out at what appears to be the 

source. This impulse will feel completely justified, and you may have little to no ability to


restrain yourself from violent behavior. At any moment, you can feel as if you have been 

plunged into a "kill or be killed" situation. 

Your capacity to be provoked into violence can make you a danger to those 

around you, including your spouse or children. People feel they must placate or tiptoe 

around you out of fear. You may feel a strong need to intimidate others, to make sure 

they are too scared of you to ever become a threat. 

Conversely, your impulse control may be heightened when you are near people 

more powerful than yourself. In the presence of a powerful person, you may appear 

quite passive and expressionless because you’re trying to remain inoffensive. You may 

be highly deferential toward authority figures, trying hard to win their favor so they will 

not become a threat and may even protect you from other dangerous people. 

Minimal Morality 

Apart from your efforts to appease the powerful, morality, in the sense of "caring 

for others' needs," is a luxury you cannot afford at an unstable Survival level. "Kill or be 

killed" is your maxim. Just as you cannot reply on others to protect you from danger, 

you will do what you must to survive with no regard for other people's safety. 

Inability to Cooperate 

An unstable Survival upbringing makes it difficult for you to form relationships. 

Because you have a deep distrust of others, you have a hard time being a good friend, 

partner, or neighbor. You may live a very isolated life because it feels safer to be alone. 

When an entire community exists at an unstable Survival level, cooperation 

among individuals is rare and precarious. People cannot form extended families, let 

alone larger communities. The environment resembles a version of the Wild West in


which everyone is a gunslinger. Often, the only way to form a relationship at this level is 

to either: 

a) Find someone weaker than you and dominate them so they won't dare 

become a threat to you. 

b) Find someone more powerful than you and find a way to please them while 

acting very servile, so they will protect you. 

Stable Survival 

We could say parenting begins when parents dedicate themselves to protecting 

their children's lives and put measures in place to achieve that end. When they 

succeed, their children experience the security of knowing their lives are safe. We can 

then say the environment is at a stable Survival stage. 

If your childhood home was a stable Survival environment within an unstable 

Survival community, you still knew the world was dangerous and unpredictable. You 

knew other children were sometimes killed by adults. But at least you knew your parents 

were not a threat. They were capable and determined to keep you alive. Your family 

may even have been part of a small group in which the adults worked together to 

protect the children. You were one of the lucky ones. 

One way of understanding the difference between an unstable and a stable 

Survival environment is to imagine your life as an action-adventure film. 

Action-adventure films feature characters who find themselves in life threatening 

situations. We can group these characters into four broad categories: 

Villains: those who kill. 

Victims: those who are killed. 

Heroes: those who save lives.


Saved: those whose lives are saved. 

In an unstable Survival world, it feels like the Villains are in control and anyone 

could become a Victim at any moment. If you are strong, you will likely kill to survive. 

You may even become a Villain. If you are weak, you may become a Victim and get 

killed. 

In a stable Survival world, some of the strong become Heroes by protecting 

others. In movies, they are ones who save innocent lives by defeating the Villains. In 

real life, they are the parents who keep their children safe. As a result, the Saved get to 

grow up and become Heroes to their own children. A stable Survival environment is one 

in which the Heroes are in control and most children are Saved. 

Note that the only requirement for parents at the Survival level is to keep their 

children alive. They don't have to be nurturing. They don't have to be good providers. 

They don't have to be kind or respectful of boundaries. They don't have to grant children 

rights or do any of the other things parents would be expected to do at other levels. And 

usually they don't. It is enough of a challenge just to keep their children alive. 

If your childhood environment was so dangerous that the only way your parents 

could keep you alive was to hide you under the floorboards and feed you scraps, then 

doing so made them Heroes. 

Or let's say you had a parent who was so prone to outbursts of rage that she 

feared she might one day kill you. Or perhaps she lived with other adults who were a 

threat to your life. If your parent believed the best way to keep you alive was to abandon 

you--walk out of your life or put you into the care of strangers--she would be a Hero for 

doing so. 

If you grew up in a stable Survival environment, you likely have many of the 

same difficulties we discussed above--difficulty trusting, forming relationships, making


plans, and cooperating with others. You may feel a need to either dominate or placate 

others. These traits inevitably result from growing up in a world you perceive as 

dangerous and unpredictable. 

A stable Survival upbringing has the advantage of making you more likely to be a 

Hero than a Villain to your own children. You may be forever grateful your parents kept 

you safe from the villains, so you make a determined effort to do the same for your own 

children. With stability, a moral code begins to emerge. The maxim shifts from "kill or be 

killed" to "do not kill, except in self-defense or to save the lives of the innocent." 

Life is sacred to you because you understand how precious it is. Once parents 

and communities reach that understanding, they are ready to start creating an even 

better environment for their children--one offers additional gifts.


Chapter 3: Provision 

Survival environment is the first and most important gift a parent can give a child, 

but it is not enough. Human beings differ from many other species in that we are born in 

a very premature state. Newborn human babies cannot feed themselves, seek shelter, 

or meet their other needs. From the moment they are born, children require a secure 

connection to at least one parent (or parental figure) who provides for them until they 

mature enough to look after themselves. A child who grows up with such a connection 

will receive the second great gift, which we call Provision. As with Survival, growing up 

in a Provision environment gives children a degree of emotional security. They know the 

world can provide for them and other people can be sources of comfort, which equips 

them to seek out opportunities and relationships. They have an optimism that will 

support their success and happiness. 

The formation of a Provision environment typically begins when a mother nurses 

her newborn baby. On one hand, she is providing the baby with the nutritional 

sustenance it needs to live and grow, as well as warmth from her body. This much is 

obvious. However, something else takes place which is just as important--the 

development of the child's ability to calm itself and to feel safe. 

Humans have two nervous systems, known as the sympathetic and


parasympathetic. The sympathetic nervous system is responsible for what is known as 

the "fight or flight" response, enhancing a person's ability to respond to immanent 

threats in a way that helps them survive. We are all born with a developed sympathetic 

system because, in a Survival level environment, the ability to respond to danger is 

essential. 

The function of the parasympathetic nervous system is to put us into a calm state 

that promotes rest and digestion. A child's parasympathetic system is underdeveloped 

when she is born but develops in infancy through the experience of forming a 

connection with an adult (often but not necessarily her mother). The process works as 

follows. 

When a baby is hungry or distressed, its sympathetic nervous system activates in 

response to the threat and the baby cries. A good mother will usually pick up the baby 

and begin to nurse. 

Whenever two human beings are in physical contact, their nervous systems tend 

to move into harmony with each other. While nursing, the mother will generally be in a 

calmer state than the baby. Because she is larger, her nervous system will dominate. 

Most babies, as they are cuddled and fed, move into a calmer state, which is ideal for 

digestion. If the mother is unwilling or unavailable, any adult can perform the same 

function by cuddling the baby while feeding it formula from a bottle. Adults may use 

other methods to soothe a baby, such as softly singing or rocking her. Babies often fall 

asleep while being cuddled or nursed. 

A newborn baby should experience being soothed many times a day. And even 

after a child has been weaned, she will continue to run to her parents when distressed 

to be calmed and comforted. A good parent will cooperate with this process and 

continue to provide a soothing presence for the child, as well as meet her material


needs, for many years. Regular soothing encourages the development of the baby's 

parasympathetic nervous system and increases her capacity to be soothed. Over time, 

she will internalize the soothing process and automatically calm herself when 

distressed. 

Children who have their emotional and material needs met consistently by their 

parents will develop a higher level of emotional security. They will get less upset by 

everyday problems because experience tells them problems are easily solved. They will 

perceive the world as a safe place. They will know that having a connection with 

another human being makes everything all right. A more poetic way of saying this is that 

they will develop the capacity to love. 

By the time children have reached adulthood, the process of soothing may be 

completely internalized. They will no longer need physical contact with their parents to 

calm down. The mere presence or thought of a parent, and the feeling of connection it 

stirs, will have a soothing effect. They may also learn to calm themselves with other 

positive thoughts or through physical routines such as slowing their breathing, relaxing 

muscles, resting, walking in nature, playing, or consuming food and beverages. Of 

course, even adults will sometimes seek physical contact or connection with other 

human beings to help them calm down in moments of great distress. But people who 

received the gift of Provision as children will become distressed less often and less 

easily. 

If you were raised at a stable Provision level, your parents will have consistently 

provided you with both the necessities of life (food, clothing, shelter, and healthcare) as 

well as their constant, reassuring presence. When you become a parent, you will 

instinctively provide for your own children, because you know that's what parents do. 

For people raised at higher levels, the gift of Provision may seem so basic it is


hardly worth noting. Yet if Provision is the highest level a child experiences, there is 

nothing trivial about this gift. Provision has powerful and positive effect on a person's 

view of the world and ability to function in it. 

Instability on the Provision Level 

Unfortunately, some children grow up in an unstable Provision environment 

where they either experience insecurity regarding the necessities of life or lack a secure 

connection with a parent. Either condition can cause a child to grow up believing she 

cannot depend on the world to provide for her, and that deprivation is a real and 

constant threat. Such insecurity will make it difficult for her to receive the gifts of higher 

levels and will limit her happiness and success as an adult. 

The most extreme images of deprivation in Western media are of developing 

nations suffering from famine or drought. Another example would be the AIDS epidemic 

in Africa that turned many children into orphans. In situations like these, the entire 

community functions at an unstable Provision level. However, even in advanced 

countries, many children grow up in unstable Provision households. By some estimates, 

nearly three million children in the US experience hunger every day, and a small 

number of children in every advanced country experience malnutrition. This reality is 

often ignored in the news media, though social workers and teachers regularly interact 

with deprived children. Of course, in less developed nations, deprivation is more 

common. 

Some children lose one or more parents through accident or disease. In other 

cases, authorities will remove children from abusive homes and place them in foster 

care. This may be necessary to protect the child's life (Survival), but the loss of 

connection with parents still creates instability on the Provision level, damaging a child's


sense of connection with a particular adult and jeopardizing her faith that her needs will 

continue to be met. 

More commonly, children may lose contact with one parent due to a marital 

breakup in which the parent loses or chooses not to exercise custody or visiting rights. 

Losing a parent creates instability on the Provision level by undermining a child's 

confidence she will be looked after. The amount of instability depends on how strong 

the child's bond is with the parent who has custody and the age of the child. Sometimes 

if a child grows up with two parents who fight a lot or with a parent who is absent from 

home for long periods due to work, the child will feel as insecure as if her parents had 

separated. A similar result can occur if a parent suffers from depression, illness, 

addiction, or a permanent physical disability which renders her oblivious to her 

children's needs or unable to meet them consistently. 

Children raised in an unstable Provision environment will grow up to be adults 

who have a hard time providing a stable environment for their own children. They will 

lack the instinct or capacity to provide for their children's needs. In families at the 

unstable Provision level, adults may move in and out of relationships frequently, ending 

them when they get difficult. This is true for marriages, casual relationships, friendships, 

jobs, or even relationships with their children. Some parents disappear for extended 

periods or abandon their children altogether. The occupants of a child's home can 

change frequently. Such disruptions can create financial insecurity and make children 

feel abandoned or neglected. Children may change homes on one or more occasions, 

each time plunging them into a new environment and causing them to worry they will 

lose the new home as well. Money is often a problem in unstable Provision homes. 

Food may be plentiful sometimes, scarce at other times. Healthcare may not always be 

available when needed. Children may feel a constant anxiety regarding their material


needs. They may grow up feeling they cannot count on anything or anyone. 

Of course, children can have temporary experiences at the unstable Provision 

level, such as a camping trip in which the food supply runs out a day early or getting lost 

for a few hours at an amusement park. Some children experience more prolonged 

periods of instability, for instance if their parents' marriage goes through a bad patch or 

unemployment causes the family to become homeless for a time. Such sustained 

episodes of insecurity can destabilize a child's psyche on the Provision level. However, 

with temporary experiences, children will retain the sense that security on the Provision 

level is normal. They lived in a stable environment before the experience, and they 

returned to it after. A childhood in which instability is normal will have a profound effect 

on a person that can persist for their entire life, if no intervention is performed. 

Let's consider the after-effects of a childhood spent in an environment that was 

unstable on the Provision level. 

Impulse Control 

An adult who was raised in an unstable Provision environment will have a deep 

sense that life is unpredictable. If you are such a person, you may feel like you never 

know when someone will abandon you or whether you will get your needs met. 

Consequently, you may have either an inability to resist your own impulses or an 

obsession with gaining control that can manifest in some of the following ways: 

In terms of life's necessities, you may be either a miser or a spendthrift. You may 

have an obsessive or irrational need to store up material possessions, such as food, 

clothes, or money. You may be so afraid of putting your material needs at risk that you 

resist change. On the other hand, you may have trouble managing your resources, so 

you continually find yourself broke or lacking other necessities. You may sometimes act


on impulses that sabotage your finances. You may take excessive risks, spend 

uncontrollably, gamble, or abandon a long-term financial strategy on a whim. You may 

fail to maintain your possessions or damage them for no reason. Some people oscillate 

between the two extremes, sometimes pinching pennies, sometimes overspending. 

In terms of relationships, you may tend to either: 

1. Cling to bad relationships. You may crave the secure connection you didn't 

have as a child. So, when you find a connection to someone or something, you may 

cling to it as if your life depended on it--even when it goes against your best interests. 

You may work very hard to please others so they will not reject you. You may fall in love 

too quickly and stay in abusive or unhappy relationships rather than risk being alone. 

You may stay in an unsatisfying, low-paying, or even abusive job rather than take 

advantage of better opportunities. You may find it hard to leave a school, a 

neighborhood, an organization, a mentor, or a circle of friends, even when your loyalty 

goes unrewarded. The idea of ending a relationship may be frightening. 

2. End good relationships. Children have a hard time understanding why a parent 

would abandon them. They are reluctant to find fault with their parent because that 

might increase their feeling of insecurity. If you felt abandoned as a child, you might 

have instead decided the fault lay in you, that you are unworthy of connection or love. 

As a result, you may expect and fear rejection. You may try to avoid rejection by 

distancing yourself from others or by rejecting them before they can reject you. 

Whenever you grow so close to someone that you start to feel vulnerable, you may end 

the relationship rather than take the chance they might break up with you. You may find 

yourself unable to resist the impulse to sabotage a relationship--to do something that 

will make the other person or group reject you. In this way, the loss feels less painful 

because you are exerting some control over it. You may have a strong impulse to quit


school, teams, or jobs when things get tough. You may abandon friends or communities 

that would benefit you. You may have difficulty keeping promises or commitments. Even 

worse, you may tend to abandon or neglect your own spouse or children. 

Empathy 

When you imagine what another person is thinking or feeling, your main purpose 

will be to evaluate whether they are willing to connect with you and stay in connection. 

This is an improvement over the Survival level, where people focus on who might kill 

them or protect them from being killed. However, it still compels you to appease 

powerful people, control people, or let others have excessive power over you. You do 

what you must to gain the loyalty of someone who will provide you with a sense of 

connection or material security, someone who symbolizes the secure parent you wish 

you had had. You may feel a desperate need to stay connected to such a person, even 

if they treat you badly in other ways. 

Alternatively, you may constantly look for evidence that someone will abandon 

you. You may take something your spouse or partner does as an indication they are 

preparing to reject you when that is not at all on their mind. You may feel compelled to 

test the loyalty of those close to you, to the point of starting arguments. You watch for 

signs that a friend or partner might not be sufficiently dedicated to your relationship, so 

you can decide whether to reject them or do something to make them stay with you. 

Reason 

At the unstable Provision level, you may devote much of your intelligence to 

maintaining your current source of material needs and your current relationships. You 

may feel insecure about these matters, so you craft strategies to keep your partner


happy, your boss happy, your landlord happy, etc. These strategies will be short-term, 

as the future is uncertain and your immediate problems are pressing. 

For example, Eric had a client who married a successful man. Due to being 

raised in an unstable Provision environment, she was deathly afraid of abandonment. 

To make sure her husband would never leave her, she dedicated all her time and 

intelligence to preparing an extravagant dinner every night for him to come home to--to 

the point that she had little time for other relationships or activities. 

You may have a plan to store up savings in case you lose your job. You may 

take a lover on the side in case your primary relationship breaks down. You may hide 

cash, in case your spouse leaves you or you feel a need to leave him. You may feel a 

compulsive need to acquire more possessions than you need and squirrel them away. 

If you are living and working in a community at a higher level, your insecurity 

regarding relationships, though it feels rational to you, may appear quite irrational to 

other people. Consequently, you may have more difficulty maintaining good 

relationships with neighbors or friends. In a work environment, you may find it hard to 

trust your staff or co-workers. You may be very controlling. You may have a hard time 

delegating work or trusting others to do their jobs competently. You may micromanage 

others to the point that they don't want to work for you or with you. You may crave the 

boss's attention and may over-perform or even under-perform to get it. 

You may feel insecure in your job, even if you have no reason to. You may be on 

the lookout for signs your job will be eliminated or the company you work for will go 

under. You may change jobs frequently, to avoid being fired. You may obsessively 

acquire new skills in case your existing ones become redundant. You may prefer to be 

self-employed, so no one can fire you. 

Your anxiety around connection may have a strong influence on how you make


decisions. You may decide where to live, which school to go to, or which employer to 

work for according to whether you have friends or other connections to those places 

rather than whether they offer you the best opportunities. This tendency limits your 

prospects. You may not apply for the best job or the best school if it means leaving 

home or giving up a relationship. 

Morality 

At the Survival level, the moral code says, "Do not kill, except to protect the 

innocent or in self-defense." At the Provision level, this code is inadequate, because it 

fails to address the issue of deprivation. 

Jealousy, especially among family members, becomes a feature of an unstable 

Provision environment. Is your brother taking your share of food while you go hungry? Is 

your sister getting more or bigger presents than you? Is the baby getting more love and 

attention from your parents while they ignore you? Is someone stealing your boyfriend 

or your spouse? Serious fights can occur when people feel their Provision is threatened. 

It's worth noting that, in terms of society's legal system, the Provision level moves 

away from Survival-type punishments such as torture, dismemberment, or the death 

penalty to ones involving deprivation, such as imprisonment, banishment, fines, or 

garnishing a person's wages. For children growing up in a Provision environment, the 

worst imaginable punishments include being sent to an orphanage, put out on the 

street, or disowned. 

For example, Glen knows a woman whose father used to tell her and her sisters 

that if they misbehaved they would be sent to "The Bad Girls School." This was a 

credible threat. What he called "The Bad Girls School" was a real place in her town, a 

residence for children whom social services deemed could not live at home. The


woman's father was a pastor who had connections with the staff at this institution. 

Sometimes, when his daughters were listening, he would telephone the Bad Girls 

School and discuss the possibility of sending one of them there. 

More common punishments for children at the Provision level include being given 

a "time out," sent to bed without supper, having possessions confiscated, or being 

denied treats. 

Stable Provision 

The Provision level becomes stable when adults master the challenge of 

maintaining relationships with their children (and often their partners too) and looking 

after their children's needs consistently. As a result, children grow up with the security of 

knowing their parents will always be there. Their parents will always provide a roof over 

their heads and food on the table, even if other parents in the community abandon or 

neglect their children. 

At the stable stage, couples try to stay together for life. They may remain in 

imperfect marriages for the sake of financial security or to provide their children with a 

stable home. One example of the sense of commitment encouraged in a stable 

Provision environment can be found in the traditional Christian marriage vows, by which 

a couple promises to stay together "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in 

sickness and in health... 'til death do us part." Other religions and cultures place a 

similar value on lifelong marriage. If children grow up feeling confident their parents will 

stay together and always be there for them, they will have a greater sense of security on 

the Provision level. They will have the ability to form strong relationships with their own 

spouse and children. 

However, couples do not need to stay together forever for a child to feel secure


on the Provision level. In countries with good social safety nets, adults have less 

financial need to stay in unhappy marriages. Sometimes it is better for parents to 

separate than for children to grow up with the anxiety that comes from witnessing their 

parents fight constantly. However, if parents separate, the children need to know both 

their parents will continue to provide for their material needs and stay in regular contact 

with them. If necessary, one parent can sometimes provide everything the children 

require. However, children will feel more stable on the Provision level if they can 

maintain a strong, permanent connection with both parents after separation. The 

children should spend time with both parents on a regular basis, even if the parents no 

longer live together. Formal joint custody and child support arrangements can help with 

this. It also benefits children if their parents can maintain a friendly relationship with 

each other while co-parenting after separation, or at least hide their negative feelings 

about each other. 

At the stable stage of Provision, people add a new line to the moral code that 

says, "Do not abandon your children or fail to provide for them." Abandoning or 

neglecting one's children becomes reprehensible. Parents will also teach their children 

the value of sharing with friends and siblings. It becomes customary at this level to 

make sure everyone in your household has enough to eat. 

If you were raised in a stable Provision environment, your parents likely had a 

steady source of income, so you never feared deprivation. As an adult, you will find it 

easier to hold down a job so you can consistently provide for your children. Because 

you had at least one parent you could count on to look after you, you will be less likely 

to abandon your children. Other children in your neighborhood may be deprived, but 

children in your family are not. Consequently, your family will be much happier than if 

you were raised in an unstable Provision environment. Your lives may still revolve


around the need to maintain relationships, an income, and other sources of provision, 

but you will have much better skills in these areas and you will be less prone to 

destructive impulses. 

A stable Provision upbringing gives children a greater capacity for empathy. 

When relationships last longer, it becomes more important to keep them positive. 

People learn to pay attention to how their parents, children, and siblings are feeling. 

They try to help others feel happier. Children who grow up in such a family will have an 

easier time forming and maintaining long-term relationships with other people--including 

a romantic partner, friends, or their own children. 

Children raised in a stable Provision environment are better at cooperating and 

getting along with others in a work environment. They are more likely to have some 

discipline regarding money, at least in terms paying of their monthly bills on time and 

living within their means. If their income is irregular, they can stretch paychecks so the 

money lasts through periods when no income is coming in. 

We should note that parents at the Provision level have no requirements other 

than providing for their children and being a steady presence in their lives. They don't 

have to be friends with their children, respect boundaries, grant them rights, or offer the 

kind of emotional support they do at higher levels. They may have little capacity to do 

these things. 

If all your parents did for you was keep you safe and fed, provide you with a 

home, and not abandon you, they did all that could be expected of them at the Provision 

level. As a product of that upbringing, that may be all you can do for your own children. 

No one who was raised at higher levels can know just how difficult this challenge can 

be. The struggle to pay the bills, to make a marriage work, to not walk out the door and 

never return, to make sure your children's needs are met every day... these tasks


require enormous strength for a parent raised at the Provision level. But if you succeed, 

you are a good parent.


Chapter 4: Structured Family 

If a child is born to parents who provide her with a safe environment and meet 

her needs, she will receive the gifts of Survival and Provision from the moment she is 

born. Assuming her home environment is stable on these levels, she will be ready to 

receive the third gift sometime between the ages of two and six years. This third gift is 

the security of being part of a Structured Family. 

Parents often talk about "the terrible twos" (i.e., age 2) as the time when children 

start coming into conflict with their parents. Before then, parents can make all the 

decisions for their child with little resistance. If you want your six-month-old baby to 

wear her green outfit rather than her red one, she won't complain. If you decide to take 

her to the park or the supermarket, she's unlikely to challenge your decision. However, 

once your baby becomes a toddler, she will become more curious about the world 

around her and better able to explore it. She will want to do things that are at odds with 

what you want her to do or what you feel is safe. She will start to speak, have opinions, 

and want to make some decisions for herself. She will start to hear the word, "No," a lot, 

and start to say it too. Tantrums typically result when a child's desires are thwarted or 

she is forced to acquiesce to parental demands. 

During this period, children learn an important lesson. They do not have the


freedom to do whatever they want. Those who are bigger, stronger, older, wiser, and 

scarier when angry (i.e., parents) will impose their will on those who are smaller, 

weaker, younger, and less knowledgeable (children). This lesson is generally driven 

home by punishments which parents dole out to non-compliant children. 

Of course, most of the demands parents make are intended to support their 

children's well-being and make the parent's life bearable at the same time. However, 

young children often won't appreciate their parent's concerns and needs. They will not 

understand why their freedom is being limited. They will simply internalize the sense 

that, in their world, power is distributed unevenly. Those with more power tell others 

what to do. Those with less power, must do as they are told. 

A toddler will come to appreciate that a hierarchy exists in the family, especially if 

she has siblings. Parents have the most freedom and power while the baby has the 

least. Other children are ranked in between, according to their age. If one parent seems 

to get her way more often, children will perceive that parent as the head of the family. 

Through exposure to other families or school, children learn each environment may 

have a slightly different hierarchy, but each environment has one. Within the family, 

children learn who has power over them and who they may have power over, who they 

need to please and respect as well as who should show them respect. They come to 

understand the expectations that come with each relationship within the family. 

In a family with a structured hierarchy, children can depend on more than just a 

relationship with one or two parents. They have a secure place within the larger group 

of people known as the family, especially if their family has many members or close ties 

with extended family. Being part of a Structured Family gives children a type of security 

that doesn't exist in Survival or Provision environments. They know they belong to the 

family, and the family belongs to them--permanently. They have allies for life.


In a Structured Family, children can generally count on other people to behave in 

ways that accord with their roles in the family and to stay within their roles. They learn 

what type of treatment to expect from others according to their relative positions within 

the family structure. And they learn that confining their behavior within the limits of their 

own role earns them the respect of other members of the family. Their environment is 

more secure and predictable than it is at lower levels. 

During the period when young children are learning their place in the family, they 

are also becoming aware things are changing. The bigger they get, the more their 

power increases. They can do things at age five they couldn't do as babies. Also, new 

babies may be born into the family, changing the family dynamics. The child who had 

formerly been the baby may have to hand that role over to their new sibling and take on 

a different role as the older sibling. As these changes happen, children will become 

interested in what their role in the family will be in the future, when they are bigger, 

older, stronger, and wiser. They may look to older members of the family to be their role 

models and start to imitate their behavior to get an idea what that role will feel like when 

they become old enough to fulfill it. They will play imaginative games in which they take 

on various family roles (as in the classic game of "House"). They may also act out adult 

roles they see in the community (schoolteacher, store clerk, restaurant server) or those 

of fictional heroes they learn about in movies, television, or books. They may enjoy 

being taught what their role in the family will be when they grow up. 

The Benefits of Structured Families 

If you grew up in a Structured Family environment, you likely had stronger sense 

of security than people raised at the Provision level. Provision level families often look 

like loose alliances of individuals. A Structured Family is an entity bigger and more


permanent than any of its members. People who are raised at this level understand that 

the family began long before any of its current members were born and will continue 

long after the current members have died. Because the family benefits all its members, 

its long-term success matters more than the short-term desires of any one member. 

At the Provision level, relationships form and dissolve frequently, so a child 

cannot feel certain other people will look after her needs. A child may lack elders willing 

to pass on their skills and knowledge or offer consistent support. On one hand, this 

encourages self-reliance. However, the child will likely grow up to be a "jack of all 

trades, master of none." She may learn to do many tasks for herself in rudimentary way, 

but lack the time, resources, and supports needed to develop expertise in particular 

areas. 

In a stable Structured Family, children get the training and support needed to 

develop expertise in the areas appropriate to their role, so as adults they can perform 

specific duties with a much higher level of competence. Fathers and mothers will often 

perform different roles that require specialized skills. One spouse might be the 

disciplinarian while the other provides comfort. One might be the homemaker while the 

other does home repairs. One might manage the family business while the other 

specializes in home economics. One might nurture the family's business relationships 

while the other organizes the family's social engagements. 

In a similar way, sons in a Structured Family will be expected to contribute by 

learning specific skills and doing certain chores. Daughters will have different skills to 

master and perform different chores. Older children will have different responsibilities 

than their younger siblings. Part of an adult’s role will be to pass on knowledge and 

skills to the next generation. Everyone must focus on doing their assigned tasks as 

competently as they can, and in return they can count on others to do their tasks. Each


family member is respected for the skills they have and the contribution they make. This 

division of labor results in tasks being carried out with a higher degree of competence. 

Everyone's needs are more reliably met. The family takes care of each other and enjoys 

a better lifestyle than a single person could on her own. 

A person's role in the family will dictate the terms of their relationships to other 

family members. There may be (sometimes unspoken) guidelines regarding how 

children should respect their parents, how a husband should respect his wife, and how 

a wife should respect her husband. Other guidelines may determine the proper 

relationship one should have with a brother, sister, grandparent, uncle, aunt, or cousin. 

The nature of these roles and relationships have been established by previous 

generations and persist because they help the family live in harmony and prosper. 

A Structured Family functions as a support system to those who need more help. 

If a person becomes sick, injured, or suffers misfortune, other members of the family will 

take care of her and cover for her. Both elders and children are cared for in a Structured 

Family much better than at lower levels. Elders are valued for their experience, wisdom, 

skills, and past contributions. Children are valued and parented well because the future 

of the family rests in them. 

Some adults in a Structured Family may play an entrepreneurial role--taking on 

risks in hope of earning big rewards which the family will share. For them, the support 

offered by the rest of the family ensures that a failed venture will not be devastating and 

they can try again. 

In return for these benefits, Structured Families place obligations on their 

members that take precedence over their individual desires. Failing your family would 

risk being disowned--a fate which seems worse than death. Losing your family could 

force you to live at the Provision level, a significant loss of security, happiness, and


quality of life. For this reason, a Structured Family life requires a higher level of trust and 

commitment. Everyone must know they can rely on the family, so everyone must be 

willing to set aside their own desires for the sake of the family. 

The division of labor and mutual support found within Structured Families helps 

the family become stronger and more prosperous over time. Compared to the Provision 

level, a child fortunate enough to grow up as part of a stable Structured Family can look 

forward a life of greater success and happiness. And though the amount of security and 

freedom people experience at the Structured Family level is less than at higher levels, it 

is considerably greater than at lower levels. 

Of course, not all parents succeed in creating a stable Structured Family for their 

children. If you were raised at the unstable stage of this level, your parents may have 

wanted to create a Structured Family but lacked the skills or awareness they needed to 

succeed. In turn, you may have difficulty creating a stable Structured Family for your 

own children. Let us therefore consider how instability on the Structured Family level 

can adversely affect children. 

The Unstable Structured Family 

At the unstable stage, parents may ignore or be unable to fulfill their roles in the 

family. They may sometimes put their own selfish interests ahead of their 

responsibilities, or they may step outside the boundaries of their role. Powerful adults 

can easily misuse their power or treat other family members with disrespect. Children 

are especially vulnerable to mistreatment. 

In an unstable Structured Family, people may not respect the boundaries of other 

peoples' roles. Children may be treated more as servants than custodians of the family's 

future. They may suffer unnecessary beatings or inappropriate touching. If parents are


in a bad mood, they may yell at the children or call them names undeservedly. Some 

parents seek emotional support from their children, sharing adult problems with them. 

This puts too much responsibility on children, making them anxious about things beyond 

their control. Of course, inappropriate behaviors are also rampant at the Survival and 

Provision levels. But at lower levels people have even bigger challenges to worry about. 

They have little capacity to be concerned about issues like maintaining boundaries 

between adults and children. At the Structured Family level, these issues come to the 

foreground, along with the difficulties that an unstable upbringing may plague you with 

as an adult. 

We should also note that many people who were raised at higher levels have had 

brief or extended childhood experiences at the unstable Structured Family level. In 

higher level communities, some of these experiences may be referred to as abuse. 

Other people may have spent time in an environment dominated by a powerful but 

unstable person who they had to tip-toe around. Difficult or traumatic as these shortlived 

experiences are, it is quite different to experience an unstable Structured Family 

as "normal," to have such an environment determine your understanding of reality. 

Though the after-effects of being raised in an unstable Structured Family are less 

injurious than being raised at lower levels, they still may create difficulties, especially to 

people who are living in a community that functions at a higher level, as is common in 

advanced countries. So let us consider what these difficulties may look like. 


A person who was raised at the unstable Structured Family level, did not fear 

being killed, abandoned, or neglected by their parents. But they likely grew up with 

parents who were impulsive and whose mood could shift from loving to hostile at a


moment's notice. As a child in such a home, you would always need to know what mood 

your parents were in. You would need strategies to avoid provoking them, because in a 

sudden fit of anger, fear, lust, or cruelty, they could inflict a good deal of suffering on 

you. The same may also have been true for older siblings or other family members. 

As an adult with such a background, you will also be prone to rapid mood swings 

and fits of emotion. These emotional outbursts will feel justified in the heat of the 

moment but may not be in keeping with your role in the family. At such times, you may 

fail to respect others as befits their role. Consequently, you will create an environment 

for your children as chaotic and scary as the one you grew up in. 

If you are living and working in a community where most people were raised at a 

higher level, your tendency to give in to bad impulses can also make it harder to be a 

good boss, employee, or neighbor. Your emotional outbursts may feel justified to you 

when they happen, but may seem exaggerated and unjustified to other people. You 

may be seen as a "drama queen" or "drama king." You may be prone to fits of anger or 

whinging. You may be prone to expressing or acting out feelings of jealousy, 

vindictiveness, self-pity, guilt, or hatred. You may expect or demand that other people 

take responsibility for your feelings and make appeasing you their priority. This is the 

result of growing up in an environment where the powerful people (your parents) were 

also prone to emotional outbursts and demanded those subservient to them (you and 

your siblings) cater to them and their feelings. 

Empathy 

Like those raised at the Survival and Provision levels, you will use your capacity 

for empathy to keep track of what the most powerful person in your environment is 

thinking or feeling. This is because, as a child, you always had to know whether your


parents were in a good or bad mood. Parents at the Structured Family level often see 

children as either little devils (when they misbehave) or little angels (when they are 

pleasing) and treat them as such. As a child, you had to know how your parents saw 

you at any moment, so you could take steps to protect yourself. Failing to please them 

could get you punished. 

Because of this, you may act more sympathetic to anyone you perceive as 

having power over you. Taking care of their feelings will be a priority because you need 

their approval. In contrast, you may care little about the feelings of people you see as 

less powerful than you. You may ignore them most of the time. If you have power over 

someone, you may demand she prioritize pleasing you and sympathizing with your 

feelings the way you try to please more important people. Either way, you must know 

whether someone is above or below you in the hierarchy to know how to treat her and 

whether you should empathize with her. This can make it hard for you to work in groups 

where everyone is supposed to be equal or to develop good relationships with anyone 

outside whatever hierarchy you operate in. 

Reason 

At the Structured Family level, people devote much of their intelligence and logic 

to working out the purpose behind the various roles in the family. If you grew up in a 

Structured Family, your parents may have felt compelled to make sure the family 

persisted and prospered over time. They wanted you to inherit more than they did. They 

may have spent a lot of mental energy explaining why everyone needed to put the 

requirements of their role ahead of their personal desires and impulses. Such teaching 

may have given you a greater ability to consider the bigger picture and act in accord 

with the greater good rather than giving in to every impulse.


However, at the unstable stage, parents often fail to be good examples of 

prioritizing reason over impulses. Their own desires may distract and tempt them. 

Sometimes they will give in to those temptations and fall short of their intent. It takes 

them much effort to refocus on what is important. 

As a child, it may have been difficult for you to make sense of your parents' 

demands. They may have seemed contradictory or inconsistent. Their decisions may 

have seemed illogical, and the criteria may have changed constantly. They may have 

been generous one day and cruel the next. They may have made promises and broken 

them. They may have given you permission to do something and later changed their 

minds. Such a childhood environment may have left you with the sense that the world is 

too chaotic for you to exert control over your life. 

As an adult, your belief that the world is fundamentally chaotic tells you that 

making plans, except in very general ways, is a waste of time. Life is unpredictable and 

only people with exceptional luck can reach their specific long-term goals. Chances are, 

any plans you make will get derailed by unforeseen events or your own irresistible 

impulses, so there's little point making them. All you can do is try to fulfill your role as 

best you can in the present. 

Moral Code 

At the Provision level, people develop a moral code that says: 

1. Do not kill, except to protect the lives of children or in self-defense. 

2. Do not abandon your children or fail to provide for them. 

At the Structured Family level, this moral code is inadequate. Though it protects 

children from death and neglect, it does nothing to prevent adults from perpetrating a 

wide range of abuse and disrespect against them. As children become increasingly


valued within families, it becomes apparent they need greater protection from family 

members who are older and stronger. 

Stable Structured Family 

At the stable stage of the Structured Family level, everyone in the family fulfills 

their roles with honor and consistency. Everyone respects everyone else. Everyone 

lives secure in the knowledge that her family supports her and she will always belong in 

it. 

As people succeed at putting the family's needs ahead of their own desires, a 

new type of empathy emerges. People start to understand that everyone has a similar 

struggle. No one has it easy. Those below you or above you in the hierarchy have 

difficulties fulfilling their role, just as you do. You can appreciate that important people 

are not always perfect. And more importantly, you can start to feel empathy for those 

who are younger or have a lower place in the hierarchy. You may have had parents or 

grandparents who were sympathetic to the challenges you faced and supported you in 

fulfilling your role. In turn, this may make you sympathetic to your own children's 

struggles. You may want to support your children in learning to fulfill their role in the 

family. Putting the family's needs first and fulfilling your role is an act of love and 

strength that is to be recognized regardless of a person's rank. 

In a stable Structured Family, a new line gets added to the moral code: 

3. Value all members of your family for the role they play and respect them as is 

proper for your relationship. 

This is a more complex moral code with many nuances to be learned. Yet the 

effort is worthwhile. If you grew up in a stable Structured Family, this new moral 

requirement gave you a happier, more secure life than you could have experienced at


lower levels. 

We should note that being a good parent in a Structured Family does not require 

the kind of casual relationships between parents and children that occur at other levels. 

Formal relationships within a Structured Family make it easier for older and more 

powerful family members to confine their behavior within their role and avoid violating 

the boundaries of children or those with less power. Casual relationships are proper 

only between those of equal rank. 

If you were raised in an unstable Structured Family home, or in a Provision 

home, creating a stable Structured Family for your children may be the most difficult 

challenge you will ever face. No one who was raised in a higher-level environment can 

understand just how difficult it can be. Because your parents were unable to teach you 

how to be a proper parent, you must work twice as hard to teach yourself. You will 

struggle to fulfill your role in the family and keep within its boundaries. But if you 

succeed in raising your children in a stable Structured Family, they will grow up knowing 

you treasure them and that they have an important place in the family. They will learn 

from your example how to be good parents and good custodians of the family's 

prosperity. They will teach their own children the lessons they learned from you.


Chapter 5: Fellowship 

Let's assume a child is born to parents who create a stable environment on the 

first three levels. By the time she is six years old, it will be normal for her to be 

physically safe, have her needs met, and be a valued part of her family. Assuming the 

environment remains stable, she will grow up to enjoy the gifts of these levels as an 

adult and provide them to her own children. However, sometime between the ages of 

six and twelve, a typical child's psyche will have matured to the point where she can 

participate in a different type of social environment, one that offers even greater security 

and happiness. We call this new level, Fellowship. 

It may be no coincidence that most children begin formal, full-day education (first 

grade) at the age when they are ready to experience Fellowship. If a child's home 

environment is no higher than Structured Family, she may acclimatize to school by 

seeing and treating it as another type of hierarchical environment. The Principal or Head 

Teacher will be at the top of the hierarchy, followed by the classroom teacher. Students 

are divided by age into grades which form another hierarchy, and within each class 

children may establish a hierarchy among themselves based on personality, physical 

attributes, or their family's position in the community. Those with more power may bully 

those with less. Children may cope with school by finding a role for themselves--the


"class clown, the "jock," the "teacher's pet," the "ringleader," or the "sidekick." The 

Structured Family level is part of the environment of most schools, and children who 

never move past the Structured Family level may grow up to see and treat workplaces 

or other communities much the same way. 

However, schools have also been (often unconsciously) structured to create a 

Fellowship environment. In a school, children are separated from their family and its 

hierarchy for much of the day and placed in a classroom where they are surrounded by 

peers--children the same age. Apart from the teacher, the children in a class are more 

equal in power than the members of a typical family. By attending school, a child takes 

a big step toward participating in a community where relationships are based more on 

equality than hierarchy. 

The shift from hierarchy to equality typifies the Fellowship level. Throughout 

history, courageous and inventive adults have persuaded people to form Fellowship 

communities composed of many families. Fellowships are organizations in which, 

though some people have leadership roles, all members are considered equal and 

possessed of the same rights. Fellowships are held together by a common set of beliefs 

rather than fear of the powerful and work more through cooperation than coercion. A 

Fellowship is governed by rules, not the strong. When parents create a Fellowship 

environment in the home, their children are better equipped to participate in a school 

community and later in the broader community at the Fellowship level. 

When a family moves to a new level, it is usually because they want to address 

the shortcomings of the level they're on. So, to understand the advantages the 

Fellowship level offers and how it works, let's first consider some of the problems that 

cannot be solved at the Structured Family level.


The Limitations of Structured Families 

Within a Structured Family, cooperation may be good, and the family may be 

prosperous, but cooperation with people outside the family may be difficult. Non-family 

members are seen as untrustworthy since they have no established role in the family 

hierarchy, which means they have nothing to govern or restrain their behavior toward 

you. They are not required to respect you. Likewise, your role within your family does 

not require you to respect outsiders. 

When a stranger enters a community where Structured Family is the dominant 

level, it is acceptable for community members to cheat or rob that person, and sensible 

for them to assume the stranger will try to do the same to them. With few exceptions, 

such as customs around invited guests, nothing compels anyone to treat people fairly or 

kindly if they are not part of the same family hierarchy with a relationship based on 

defined roles. 

In a community composed of Structured Families, trust and cooperation among 

families is also limited. Other families may be enemies, allies, or even victims of your 

family. The formation of larger, more profitable alliances can only be achieved by 

creating extended or pseudo-Structured Families--such as feudalistic or tribal-style 

organizations based on a hierarchy of families. Your family may have to fulfill certain 

obligations to families with more power, while at the same time striving to become more 

powerful until it can usurp their place. Your family may expect families with less power 

to fulfill certain obligations toward it. At the same time, your family must be on guard 

against weaker families' attempting to overtake it. Everyone puts the interests of their 

own family first and each family competes against others for status and resources. 

Competition among powerful families has caused a lot of drama and violence 

throughout history.


A second problem with a Structured Family is that roles are inherited rather than 

chosen, which means your parents have a lot of control over your adult life. Suppose in 

your adolescence you show a strong talent for music. If you had the choice, you might 

seek a career as a musician. However, if your role as the eldest son is to take over the 

family business, you may have to give up music lessons so you can learn the business. 

If the family decides they need you to study law in college, even though you have more 

interest in liberal arts, engineering, or medicine... you must study law and become a 

lawyer, because that is what the family needs. If your parents choose a wife or husband 

for you, but you don't like the person they chose... the family may be sympathetic. They 

may offer advice on how to make your marriage work. But your duty is to marry the 

person they chose and have children with that person. 

Such practices can benefit the family in the long run, if the parents and elders 

make wise decisions. Unfortunately, not all parents make wise decisions. Sometimes 

the entire family can suffer if a person inherits a role for which they are unsuited. For 

instance, if the person whose role is to run the family business has no talent for 

business, the family's fortunes may be jeopardized. If the person managing the family's 

social engagements has no talent or enthusiasm for the task, the family's influence in 

the community may suffer. Sometimes people can learn to fulfill roles they have little 

initial talent or inclination towards, but that may not be the best use of their abilities. 

Sometimes a person might do a better job fulfilling a different role, but they will never 

get the chance because that role belongs to someone else. 

Members of a Structured Family may rely on family members for services when it 

may be better to go outside the family. For instance, if you have an accountant, doctor, 

lawyer, mechanic, hairdresser, or contractor in the family, you may feel they are more 

reliable or more deserving of your business than non-family members, though this may


not be the case. You may have a duty to give your business to family members, even 

when more skilled professionals are available who would do a better job. Similarly, a 

business owned by a Structured Family may feel obliged to hire family members, rather 

than the most qualified applicants. This practice may put the business at a competitive 

disadvantage. At the same time, people may feel obliged to donate their labor to family 

members or the family business when other clients or employers would pay them more 

or give them better opportunities. 

Apart from the above considerations, there are two more powerful reasons 

families choose to move beyond the Structured Family level. The first three levels-- 

Survival, Provision, and Structured Family--share two traits that can limit children's 

developing psyches as well as the prosperity, freedom, and happiness of everyone: 

1. Might makes right. At the lower three levels, the strong do whatever they want 

and demand compliance from the weak. In the case of a family, this means all family 

members are subservient to the head of the household and others who are older, 

stronger, or more powerful. Heads of household must fear the emergence of younger, 

stronger rivals who want to take their place, and nothing protects those who lack power 

from the powerful. Weaker members (e.g., children) may be abused or taken advantage 

of, and that may be seen as acceptable and normal. 

When the dominant culture of a community or nation is at Structured Family or 

lower, law and order exist mainly to serve the interests of the strong. Today's developed 

nations have moved beyond this state, but many households and organizations in 

developed nations still operate this way, and lawlessness still dominates much of the 

world. Corruption in advanced countries occurs when powerful people demand or 

coerce special treatment and privileges. 

2. Life is unpredictable. All human beings are prone to mood swings,


uncontrolled emotions, and irrational decisions. The trouble with the lower three levels is 

that powerful people, including heads of Structured Families, have few mechanisms 

keeping their behavior in check. Consequently, everyone grows up in an environment 

that is unpredictable and often unsafe, and in turn creates an unpredictable environment 

for their children. Those not at the top of the pecking order must be on the alert, afraid 

of what a more powerful person might do to them in a bad mood. Again, children are the 

most vulnerable to mistreatment by other family members. Growing up in such an 

unpredictable environment limits a child's ability to feel safe and free. It teaches her 

success in life is all about power--groveling before those with power over you, while 

trying to gain power over others. She feels no freedom to enjoy pursuits or relationships 

based on other interests because she never truly feels safe. This mindset will persist for 

a person's entire life and be passed on to her own children. 

The Move Toward Fellowship 

The Fellowship level forms after families reach the stable Structured Family level. 

It starts when some people imagine a new type of social organization, one without 

relentless power struggles and the accompanying chaos. They long for a world with 

more safety, order, and predictability, where they can turn their attention to more 

enjoyable and profitable pursuits. They realize they want relationships based on trust 

and cooperation rather than duty and fear--including relationships with people outside 

their own family. 

To create a safer environment, everyone in the community must agree to be 

governed by a set of rules that are fair and protect everyone. At the Structured Family 

level, this sometimes happens when a strong leader dictates the rules for everyone. The 

trouble is that the strong don't have to follow any rules themselves. Rules only apply to


the weak, and often are made to benefit the strong. They do not protect the weak from 

the strong. In addition, with each generation new people inherit the reins of power. A 

family or a community may have a good, fair, and kind patriarch or matriarch now, but 

their successor may have none of those traits. 

But in this new type of community, the strong must follow the same rules as 

everyone else. Everyone has rights. The weak are not at the mercy of the strong, and 

the strong don't worry about being overthrown. With these threats eliminated, everyone 

can feel safer. Trust within and among families can increase. Power is more equally 

distributed. An entire community of families can be united in cooperation, friendly coexistence, 

and mutual aid. 

At the Fellowship level, families within a community share a common set of rules 

and beliefs. The rules dictate what behaviors are not allowed. They encompass 

everything from general principles of morality, politeness, and ethics to specific laws 

such as traffic rules and building codes. The former are often codified by religion and 

philosophy and the latter by government legislation. The rules are designed to promote 

fairness and security within the community. Everyone must follow the rules and the 

rules apply to everyone impartially. 

Within a Fellowship home, parents establish a set of rules to make the household 

fair, predictable, and safe. When children are young, parents may need to take a 

Structured Family approach to teaching the rules. That is, parents assume the role of an 

authority figure who demands compliance. They punish children for rule-breaking and 

reward them for good behavior. However, as children get older (again, typically between 

ages 6-12), they will get interested in understanding the rules. They will appreciate that 

the rules apply to everyone, including their parents. In a stable Fellowship home, 

parents cannot change the rules on a whim. Parents cannot enforce the rules one day


and ignore them the next. They cannot be arbitrary in handing out punishments. They 

can only punish children when they break the rules, and punishment has limits. 

Moreover, everyone has rights that not even parents can violate. Everyone's behavior is 

monitored so no one gets away with breaking rules. These stipulations make the rules 

fair, and when children appreciate the fairness of the rules, they are more inclined to 

follow them. 

As children spend time outside the home, at school or other places in the 

community, they learn that everyone in their community follows many of the same rules. 

A community may punish adults for breaking the rules, just as parents punish children. 

Punishments can include legal penalties (fines or imprisonment), social penalties 

(disapproval, shunning, or public shaming) or religious penalties (such as prayers or 

sacrifices to atone for misdeeds). 

In terms of secular society, a Fellowship community is governed by laws, not 

men. Every citizen is equal in the eyes of the law, and the powerful cannot get away 

with rule-breaking anymore any more than the weak. Citizens are taught "crime does 

not pay." No one can escape justice. No misdeed goes unpunished. In religious terms, 

the Fellowship level is a world where every member of the religion is equal in the eyes 

of God. God loves the weak and poor as much as the rich and powerful. God does not 

care about your status but how well you follow the rules. God punishes the wicked and 

rewards the virtuous fairly, if not in this life then in the next. God sees everything you do 

and knows everything in your heart and mind. God's judgment cannot be avoided. 

If your parents raised you in a Fellowship environment, your childhood was safer, 

more secure, and more predictable than it could ever have been at lower levels. You 

may have been punished for breaking the rules, but you knew what the rules were. 

Moreover, you knew you could avoid punishment by staying within the rules. You


couldn't be punished for doing something the rules did not specifically forbid. As a 

result, you had some control over your life. Provided you stayed within the rules, you 

could pretty much do what you liked. You had much more freedom than children raised 

in a Structured Family home. 

The rules protected you because other family members had to follow them as 

well. If the rules said your older siblings couldn't hit you or take your toys without your 

permission, you experienced a level of security that doesn't exist at lower levels, where 

older children can bully the younger and parents may or may not intervene according to 

their whims. You could make plans without fear they would be derailed by your parents' 

erratic decisions. 

By the time you reached adulthood, following the rules was a habit, one that 

helped you hold down a job and stay out of trouble with the law. 

Of course, Fellowship environments can be more or less stable. Being raised in 

an unstable Fellowship environment will leave its own special mark on a child's psyche, 

so let's consider some of the issues faced by adults who were raised in unstable 

Fellowship homes. 

Unstable Fellowship 

If you were raised in an unstable Fellowship home, the rules may have been 

more aspiration than reality. Your parents may have tried to teach you right from wrong. 

They may have taken you to religious gatherings regularly or exposed you to stories 

with "good messages." They may have punished you when you broke the rules and 

warned you against associating with people who don't follow the rules. They may have 

praised or rewarded you for outstanding behavior. 

However, the older you got, the more you noticed that your parents' actions were


inconsistent. They didn't always apply the rules impartially. Sometimes you may have 

been punished unfairly or not rewarded when you deserved it. Among you and your 

siblings, your parents may have had a favorite who received more praise and rewards 

than the others, while getting lighter punishments when they broke the rules. Another 

child in the family may have been the scapegoat or "black sheep" who received harsher 

punishments or reprimands. 

Punishments at the unstable stage of Fellowship can also be harsher than the 

rules require. Your parents may have known they should hand out punishments 

dispassionately, but there may have been times when they lost control and meted out 

excessive punishment out of anger or fear. 

Effective parents give more rewards and praise than they do punishments. Your 

parents may have done the opposite--being more concerned with stopping bad behavior 

than providing encouragement. 

Your parents may have sometimes broken rules themselves or given into 

impulses that undermined the family's happiness. For instance, you may have had a 

parent who spent or lost too much money on impulses, suffered from addictions, had 

affairs, committed crimes, broke promises, or behaved selfishly. Adults can break the 

rules more easily than children, because adults are harder to hold accountable. Yet 

such behavior can hurt the entire family. 

Growing up at an unstable Fellowship level may have left you with anger or 

resentment over things that happened in your childhood. Your parents taught you the 

rules were to be followed, yet you saw them breaking the rules. You may have suffered 

when the rules were applied unfairly or when family members broke the rules. You may 

have been told, "Do what I say, not what I do." Such hypocrisy can haunt you well into 

adulthood.



Experiencing your parents' rule-breaking may have made you distrustful and 

resentful of authority. Your parents were supposed to give you a secure rule-based 

environment, but instead you got partial chaos. As a result, you may suspect all 

authorities of being untrustworthy or hypocritical. 

You may have expressed your resentment as you grew older by giving into 

impulses and acting in ways that flaunted the rules or were disrespectful of authority. 

Your rule-breaking may have been anything from small violations of social conventions 

to illegal or dangerous activities. Rule-breaking can be satisfying, and provide other 

short-term benefits, but in the long run you risk incurring severe consequences. 

Fellowship communities are often zealous about punishing rule-breakers. 

Alternatively, you may have chosen to rebel against your parents' example by 

becoming a stickler for rules. You may be harsh in judging others for their 

transgressions, while taking great pride in following the rules yourself. You may take 

great measures to govern your impulses and impose order on your environment. In this 

way, you seek to create the order you didn't get as a child. This too can come with a 

cost in terms of relationships and opportunities. 

Empathy 

At the Fellowship level, a new kind of empathy emerges that changes the 

relationship between parents and children. 

At the Structured Family level, children who misbehave are often seen inherently 

wicked, while those who please their parents may be seen as virtuous. At the 

Fellowship level, parents often struggle to resist their own impulses. As a result, they


start to realize that people cannot be divided absolute categories such as saint or 

sinner, law abiding or criminal. Everyone, including children, has the potential to do 

good or bad things. Moreover, they realize children need to be taught to be good. They 

need their parents' help to resist doing bad things just as adults often need the support 

of friends or leaders. In secular terms, they may understand a "primitive savage" lurks 

inside all of us that must be restrained by reason and the rules of civilized behavior. 

Parents understand that children need adult supervision to keep them safe and ensure 

they follow the rules. 

Adults in Fellowship communities are aware of their own failures--the times they 

gave into bad impulses, broke the rules, or let their emotions get the better of them. 

Fellowship communities understand the importance of getting people back on the right 

track. They encourage people to confess their failures, seek forgiveness, make amends, 

and forgive others in turn. They may impose harsh punishments, but after someone has 

atoned for their actions, their slate is wiped clean. Parents often implement similar 

practices in Fellowship homes. Children may get lighter punishments if they confess 

their mistakes voluntarily. Once they endure their punishment or make amends, they 

are forgiven. 

When children know the rules limit the severity of the punishments they might 

receive, parents become a little less scary. Parents may find ways to get children to 

cooperate other than threats and punishment. We mentioned fairness as one way. 

Another method is for parents to be good role models, taking advantage of children's 

tendency to emulate adults. In a Fellowship home, parents are more interested in their 

children and why they behave as they do. They express more empathy for their 

children's struggles. Children value their parents' attention and approval, so this leads to 

better relationships. And better relationships lead to better cooperation.


Nonetheless, at the unstable Fellowship stage, parents may perceive a danger in 

being too lenient or permissive. They feel strongly that a world where people's impulses 

are not constrained by rules (the lower three levels) would be a dangerous environment 

that must be prevented. Tolerating misbehavior from children would "let the devil get a 

foothold." Children who get away with rule-breaking could grow up to be criminals. 

Finding the balance between sympathy and discipline is difficult, and your parents may 

not have succeeded. 

Moral Code 

At the lower three levels, a moral code was developed which said: 





At the stable Fellowship level, this moral code becomes inadequate, because it 

only applies to members of one's own family, whereas Fellowships are communities 

made of many different families. A new provision must be added to the code: 

4. Treat everyone in your community according to the rules. 

Of course, at the unstable stage, the rules get broken a lot. This is unavoidable. 

Everyone breaks rules now and then. So this provision comes with a codicil: 

4a. When you break the rules, ask for forgiveness or offer to make amends. 

One difference between the Fellowship and Structured Family levels is that your 

parents may have apologized to you when they broke the rules. They may have 

required you to apologize to your siblings when you wronged them, and vice versa. This 

may not happen at lower levels, where the strong are unaccountable to those weaker


than them. Learning to forgive others and ask for forgiveness are challenges at the 

unstable Fellowship level. 

Reason 

At the Fellowship level, people spend a lot of time thinking about the rules and 

how to apply them. They have a hard time following the moral code. It takes effort to 

treat people you dislike or perceive as unimportant the same as people you like and 

who are important. Behaving well requires more than doing what a powerful person tells 

you out of fear. Every time you are tempted to break a rule you must use reason to 

convince yourself to make the right choice, even if you don't want to. You must develop 

willpower to keep your impulses in check. 

The emphasis on reasoning skills in Fellowship communities brings many other 

benefits. Misperceptions can be cleared up, leading to better relationships. People can 

make better long-term plans and forecast events. Evidence-based approaches to 

science, medicine, and law can replace superstition, quackery, and injustice. The entire 

community becomes smarter and finds better solutions to problems. 

Of course, at the unstable stage, it may be obvious even to a child that adults' 

actions do not always make sense, that they often stem from emotional impulses. But 

this awareness itself is only possible because children learn to expect the rules to be 

followed. They expect the world and their parents to be rational. 

Stable Fellowship 

We must not be harsh with parents who fail to create a stable Fellowship 

environment for their children. If you grew up in an unstable Fellowship home, or at a 

Structured Family level, creating a stable Fellowship environment for your children will


be one of the hardest tasks imaginable. If you didn't experience life in a stable 

Fellowship home as a child and never received its gift, your instincts will often be wrong. 

You will have to do inner work to acquire the gift of Fellowship before you can give it to 

your children. You will have to learn to be strict but fair with your children. You must 

strive to see things from their point of view. You will have to follow the rules yourself, 

especially when disciplining your children. You must apologize when you break the 

rules and make amends. You may need a lot of help from clergy, counselors, friends, 

family, or peer groups (religious or secular) to resist your worst impulses. You may need 

to spend much of your time in the company of others who can support your efforts and 

talk you out of bad choices. This may be the work of a lifetime. 

However, if you succeed in creating a Fellowship home, both you and your 

children will benefit tremendously. Your family will experience a happier and more 

predictable life. Your children will see you as gentle, fair, and far less scary than parents 

at lower levels. Relationships within your family will be based less on fear and more on 

love. 

Children who grow up in stable Fellowship households experience more control 

over their lives and more freedom to make their own choices, so long as they stay within 

the rules. As adults, they will be better equipped to function in a community where they 

have the same rights and freedoms as everyone else. It will be far easier for them to 

cooperate and have better relationships with teachers, employers, co-workers, and 

neighbors. Good relationships will bring them better opportunities, so their chances of 

success in life will be much greater. 

We noted above that, at the Structured Family level, parents decide what careers 

their children will pursue, who they will marry, and other matters. Parental control can 

be as strong at the Fellowship level, but it is more often fair. If you grew up in in a


Fellowship home, you likely had the same freedoms and privileges as your siblings, 

friends, and other members of the community. You had a greater say in matters 

pertaining to your own happiness than children raised in lower-level environments. You 

could make a case for yourself based on fairness, saying "If my sibling or friend is 

allowed to do something, then I should be allowed to do it too." Working within the rules, 

you had more opportunity to find a career that was both acceptable to your parents and 

suited your talents and interests. You had more power to decide whether and when to 

marry. You were more likely to be allowed to choose a spouse you felt compatible with, 

provided your parents approved of him, and he was a member of your community. You 

had some room to negotiate or redefine your role in the family. 

At the same time, the Fellowship level requires you to take more responsibility for 

your actions than people have at the Structured Family level. You might make bad 

choices and have to live with the consequences, but at least they are your choices to 

make. 

If you grew up in a stable Fellowship environment, you likely have an easier time 

trusting and cooperating with people outside your family. You see people in your 

community as potential friends and allies--provided they share the same set of rules. 

People from other communities with different rules may still be potential threats, but 

your interaction with them will be rare. 

Apart from some exceptions, in a Fellowship community, trust is higher 

between... 

Businesses and customers. 

Businesses and suppliers. 

Employees and employers. 

Citizens and government officials (including police).


Much of the prosperity enjoyed in the world today comes from the trust and 

cooperation that stems from people being raised at the Fellowship level or higher. 

Fellowship creates an environment in which people can trust businesses to treat them 

fairly and with honesty and courtesy, even if they have no personal relationship with the 

business owner. It leads to a standard quality of service from doctors, dentists, financial 

advisers, accountants, contractors, or other professionals. It means public utilities and 

government agencies provide consistent service to everyone and every business. 

Another outgrowth of the Fellowship level is that products in the developed world 

must meet standards for safety, quality, and design. The use of standardized parts for 

machines and assembly-line manufacturing reflects the mindset that values conformity 

and rules. The rapid growth of science and technology over the past few centuries owes 

much to the gift of Fellowship. When children grow up in an environment governed by 

rules, they can appreciate that the natural world is governed by rules as well. Science is 

the effort to discover the rules of nature, while technology is the art of working within 

those rules to get desired results. 

The democratic form of government also stems from the gift of Fellowship, since 

it is a system that uses rules (constitutions, legislation) to limit the power and influence 

of the powerful. Unlike monarchies, dictatorships, or oligarchies, democratic 

governments need the consent of the governed to remain in power. The principle of 

"one person, one vote" stems from the Fellowship attitude that all people should be 

equal under the law. 

Of course, rule-breaking sometimes happens, which is why a stable Fellowship 

community requires a justice system to deal with infractions and dispense punishments 

fairly. Justice becomes blind at the Fellowship level, meaning that judges weigh 

evidence and arguments impartially. Everyone has rights that are respected, even


children. 

If you can create a Fellowship environment in your home, and raise your children 

within a Fellowship community, they will grow up experiencing a world that is 

predictable and orderly. They can make plans with greater confidence achieve more 

success. In a Fellowship community, they can get an education, start a business, take 

out a mortgage, or save for retirement without the fear that such investments will be 

derailed by random changes in the rules or crime. They can raise your grandchildren in 

a neighborhood where the streets are safe. Because the chances of encountering 

violence or other forms of destructive chaos are rare, much of the daily stress and 

anxiety experienced at lower levels disappears at the Fellowship level, and is replaced 

with happiness, freedom, and contentment.


Chapter 6: Individuality 

If a child is raised in a stable Fellowship environment, she will receive many gifts 

growing up that she will most likely take for granted. It will be normal for her to be in an 

environment where her life is safe, she lives with one or more parents who provide her 

with the necessities of life, she is a valued member of her family, and her family belongs 

to a community that shares a common set of rules, rights, and beliefs. All these gifts 

make her life predictable and secure. 

Only a minority of parents in the world raise their children in homes and 

communities that operate above the Fellowship level. However, if a child is fortunate to 

be raised in such an environment, she will develop the capacity to acquire the next gift 

sometime around the beginning of puberty. We call this next level, Individuality. As with 

all the levels, the transition to this level brings results in a huge increase in the child's 

capacity to experience freedom, security, and happiness as an adult. 

The Oppressive Side of Fellowship 

A society's transition to the Individuality level begins after it has been at a stable 

Fellowship level long enough for some individuals to feel its limitations. 

As we noted in the previous chapter, parents in an unstable Fellowship home


need to wage a lifelong campaign to rein in their impulses and follow a set of rules, if 

they have any hope of reaching stability. They use strict disciplinary approaches to train 

children to do the same. Following the rules is a struggle, because the urge to break the 

rules arises constantly--and each time an impulse wins out over a rule, it threatens the 

return of the chaos and dangers of the first three levels. 

As a result, parents and social institutions at the unstable Fellowship level are 

zealous about making sure everyone follows the rules. They use intrusive methods to 

watch for any signs of rule-breaking and practise zero tolerance when it arises. Because 

it is easier to break the rules when no one sees you, people are suspicious of anyone 

who spends time alone. Being alone creates opportunities to give into temptations. 

People are encouraged to work in groups and spend much of their leisure time in the 

company of others--ideally in religious or other support groups that encourage rulefollowing. 

Good parents at the Fellowship level keep their children busy with activities and 

chores, so they have fewer opportunities to indulge their impulses. Social interactions 

between teenagers of different sexes are often chaperoned. Parents supervise young 

children to keep them safe but more importantly to prevent rule breaking. 

In addition to policing their children's behavior, parents at the Fellowship level 

keep a watchful eye on their children's thoughts and attitudes. They may spend much 

time teaching children to have correct opinions and chastising them if they express 

wrong opinions. They may monitor their children's conversations with friends. They may 

read their children's diaries and social media posts, to make sure their children are not 

developing or picking up bad ideas. They may rummage through their children's 

possessions for signs their children might be engaged in or contemplating rule breaking. 

Being a responsible parent in a Fellowship home requires intruding upon your children's


privacy. 

Fellowship communities expect a high degree of conformity from their members 

and are intolerant of behavior that deviates from the norm. Anyone who does not follow 

social conventions and customs will be made to conform through various forms of social 

pressure. These can include what people at higher levels might term bullying or 

ostracism. Even in the most advanced countries today, such behavior can be seen in 

aspects of military training, the harassment of sub-cultures, and the type of hazing that 

was once common in schools of higher learning (though there have been efforts to 

eliminate this in recent decades). Deviant behavior of any kind is seen as a threat. A 

Fellowship community enforces conformity to help people become better members of 

society, so they can receive the benefits of Fellowship. 

Another distinguishing trait of Fellowship communities is that they distrust 

outsiders. Religious communities at the Fellowship level may be quick to condemn 

atheists, agnostics, or people of other faiths as "heathens," "infidels," or "sinful" in some 

way. On a secular level, Fellowships may be hostile toward immigrants or people with 

different ethnicities or political ideologies. Racism, classism, homophobia, and other 

forms of prejudice are rampant at the Fellowship level. Any form of difference can seem 

threatening in a community that is fighting to create order and conformity. 

While intolerance may be an essential tool at the unstable Fellowship level, 

helping to build a more predictable environment, its usefulness diminishes once a stable 

Fellowship has been achieved. After one or more generations of children are raised in a 

stable Fellowship environment, the likelihood of returning to the chaos of the first three 

levels seems remote. As that threat recedes, so does the need for zealous enforcement 

of the rules and rigid conformity. While people still acknowledge that rules and 

conformity are necessary to some extent for society to be safe, they feel less need to be


strict about such things. Not all non-conformity seems threatening. 

The transition to the Individuality level begins when people start to see some 

rules as unnecessary or oppressive. Science fiction writers have created many fictional 

dystopias which are exaggerated depictions of how Fellowship communities look to 

those who have outgrown them. These include (to name just a few): 

The Invasion of the Body Snatchers 

1984 

Brave New World 

Fahrenheit 451 

The Prisoner 

Dalek's Invasion Earth 2150 A.D. (Dr. Who) 

The Borg or the cult of Landru in Star Trek 

The planet Camazotz in A Wrinkle in Time 

The Stepford Wives 

Logan's Run 

The Handmaid's Tale 

Uglies 

These fictional communities feature high conformity, often enforced by constant 

surveillance and indoctrination. They are places with authoritarian governments that 

suppress freedom of thought and expression and allow no room for individuality. 

Individuals in such stories are often brainwashed, converted into cyborgs, or replaced 

with mindless robots or aliens. Biotechnology may be employed to control people's 

thoughts. The fact that these dystopias are orderly is of no matter because order is 

taken for granted at higher levels. What makes them frightening is their intolerance of 

difference.


The Birth of Individuality 

Once people become aware of the limitations of Fellowship communities, they 

begin to imagine a new environment that preserves the order and predictability of the 

Fellowship level while relaxing some of the rules to allow for individual differences. 

When children near puberty, they gain the capacity to develop a greater sense of 

self. They become interested in exploring, developing, and understanding their own 

unique qualities, talents, and identity. If the environment does not support a child in 

developing a sense of self, the process may be delayed. Some children do not start the 

process until their late teens. For others, it may be delayed until they are in a different 

environment--perhaps when they are living on their own while in college or later in life. 

Some people never develop a strong sense of self. 

In any case, to gain the gift of Individuality, a child or adult requires access to a 

private space and private time in which they can set aside the expectations placed on 

them by their family, friends, and community and explore their own thoughts and 

inclinations. Such explorations are not allowed in a Fellowship environment, where 

privacy and deviance are considered dangerous, and everyone is under the watchful 

eyes of others. For a young teen, it requires parents who are willing to grant her a 

private space and private time and trust her enough to not intrude upon it. 

The process of self-exploration may take many different forms. Often a good 

deal of creativity and self-reflection are involved. It may take time--several months or 

several years--during which parents' patience may be tested. Eventually, the child will 

emerge from her isolation with a new sense of her own identity, desires, interests, and 

perhaps talents. Some of these may remain part of her inner life which she may only 

share with close friends and partners. Nonetheless, her sense of self will inform and


influence her decisions and interactions with her family and community in a way that 

furthers her own happiness to a degree not possible at lower levels. 

Life in an Individuality World 

In a community at the Individuality level, people live two lives. They have a public 

life, in which they project an image of respectability and strive for success, and a private 

life where they pursue interests and hobbies that might not be valued by the community 

but are sources of personal fulfillment. 

If you were raised at the Individuality level, your parents set certain expectations 

you had to meet. You had to look respectable and be polite and law-abiding in public. 

You may have been expected to participate in a religious congregation or contribute to 

community service projects. You may have been expected to achieve respectable 

grades in school and success in extracurricular activities such as athletics or the arts. 

However, you probably had more freedom of choice in how you met your parents' 

expectations than children at the Fellowship level. For instance, rather than telling you 

exactly how and when you would do homework, your parents may have required you to 

earn a certain minimum grade average in school, but then left it up to you to figure out 

how to achieve this standard. You may have been able to decide how and when to 

study, whether to study with classmates or by yourself, and what methods of studying 

worked best for you. This was their way of allowing some room for your own 


Your parents probably let you have private spaces where you had a degree of 

freedom. You may have been allowed to choose what books you read or what extracurricular 

activities you participated in. You may have had a private bedroom which no 

one could enter without your permission. You may have had more choice regarding


your clothes, hairstyle, or other aspects of your appearance--so long as you adhered to 

convention in formal situations. Provided you stayed safe and didn't hurt anyone, you 

could pursue your own hobbies and interests in private for the sake of your own 

enjoyment rather than social approval. You may have been allowed to develop your 

own opinions and express them in confidential conversations with friends and family. As 

a teenager, you were more likely to be allowed to attend unchaperoned parties or go on 

dates--provided you met certain expectations such as not breaking the law, skipping 

school, or getting pregnant. 


Having a private space where you could develop a sense of self will have made 

you far more aware of your own preferences, values, and opinions than people who 

grew up in a Fellowship home. This awareness makes you better able to resist certain 

impulses. 

For instance, you are less likely to be seduced or influenced to act contrary to 

your own desires. When someone, even an authority figure, presents you with a 

persuasive offer, invitation, or request, you can compare it to your own desires and 

beliefs to see how well it aligns. You can say "no" to offers that go against your values 

and priorities. You are better at resisting sales pitches, grifters, or sexual propositions 

that are not in your best interest. 

You are also better at recognizing opportunities that align with your interests and 

values--opportunities that are worth taking advantage of. You don't need authorities to 

tell you what choices you should make. You can decide on your own. You can guide 

your life in a direction that promises greater happiness. 

Individuality families and communities recognize that people need to make


important decisions for themselves if they are to be happy with the results. They usually 

grant young people more freedom to choose a career that interests them and decide for 

themselves whether and who to marry. 

Being raised with a separation between private and public spaces has likely 

given you a more complex understanding of your impulses. You know you should not 

give in to certain impulses in public, because that would invite disapproval or other 

negative consequences, and some impulses you should never give in to. However, 

some impulses may be unacceptable in public but fine to indulge in private. When an 

impulse arises, in addition to asking yourself, "Would following this impulse break the 

rules?" you have to ask questions like, "Could this impulse be acceptable in this 

situation? Is this an impulse I would like to indulge, provided I can do so in private? How 

certain am I that what I do will remain private?" 

Empathy 

At the Fellowship level, people's empathy took a big step forward when they 

learned to see others not simply as good or bad, allies or enemies, but as people who 

have both good and bad in them. As we mentioned, this is partly the result of fighting 

their own battle between reason and impulses. 

At the Individuality level, empathy becomes even more complex as people 

struggle to balance public respectability with private fulfillment. People become 

interested in other people's experiences in dealing with this challenge and develop 

empathy for those having difficulty. Because people value their private pursuits and 

idiosyncrasies, they become more tolerant of other people's differences. If someone is 

polite and law-abiding in public, you can allow them to have their own unique beliefs, 

interests, and hobbies. You can tolerate their differences, just as you hope they will be


tolerant of yours. People who are different are not as scary as they seem in a 

Fellowship community. You can have friends who come from different ethnic 

backgrounds, belong to different religions, or have different political views, because 

your sense of safety doesn't require everyone around you to share your beliefs. 

At the same time, parents develop more empathy for their children at the 

Individuality level. Rather than see children as clay to be molded into an ideal form, 

parents consider their children to be individuals with their own innate talents and 

potential. They start to love who their children are as much as what they are trying to 

encourage them to become. When children know their parents love them for who they 

are, they feel safer with them, which leads to better relationships between parents and 

children. And better relationships often produce better behavior with less need for 

punishment and reward. 

Reason 

Being raised at the Individuality level, where the rules can be different in the 

public and private spheres, helps you develop critical thinking skills. At the Fellowship 

level, people tend to interpret the rules literally and apply them uniformly. Individual 

interpretation would be considered dangerous because it might lead to the rules being 

watered down. But to someone raised at the Individuality level, it seems obvious that 

every person and situation are different. Rules must be adjusted to fit the context. 

If you were raised in an Individuality home, you likely have a more nuanced 

understanding of the rules. You may distinguish between the rules as they are written 

and the intent behind the rules. In secular terms, you may recognize that "the spirit of 

the law" can be at odds with "the letter of the law." 

In a religious context, people at the Fellowship level tend to interpret scripture as


literally and uncritically as possible. Scripture is the word of God and should not be 

subject to human interpretation, which might sully it. At the Individuality level, you are 

more likely to think critically about scripture and theology. The principles underlying the 

rules may be more important than the rules themselves. You may recognize that some 

of the rules, though well-meaning when they were written, are outdated. There may be 

occasions when doing the right thing may mean breaking or reinterpreting the rules. 

Your ability to think critically helps you in other areas of life as well. It helps you 

rethink and improve upon your own assumptions and priorities. It makes you more 

aware of bias in politics or the media. It helps you achieve a more accurate 

understanding of any subject you study or any field of endeavor. You are more likely to 

become a leader in a field if you can think critically about it and perhaps find creative 

ways to advance it. 

Morality 

At the Fellowship level, the moral code evolved to be: 





4. Treat everyone in your community according to the rules, and when you break 

the rules ask for forgiveness or offer to make amends. 

At the Individuality level, people find this moral code inadequate because it 

makes no allowances for individual interpretation or circumstances. They add a fifth 

component that shifts the moral code to a new level of complexity: 

5. When in doubt, follow your conscience.


Being raised at the Individuality level means you have more resources to deal 

with situations where the moral choice is unclear. You may find different ways you could 

apply the rules to a particular situation. You may find some situations in which the rules 

contradict each other, or do not offer clear instruction. As mentioned above, you may 

find situations where following the letter of the law would violate the spirit of the law. 

At the Survival, Provision, or Structured Family level, moral dilemmas are 

resolved by consulting someone with power and having them decide. At the Fellowship 

level, the authority might be the written rules, or authorities on the rules (judges, clergy, 

or elders). However, at the Individuality level the highest authority is your own 

conscience. You must act in ways that leave you with the least amount of regret--that do 

the least amount of harm. This requires assuming more personal responsibility, but it 

can lead to better outcomes. 

Unstable Individuality 

Raising your children in an Individuality environment gives them many 

advantages. However, as with all the levels, Individuality environments may be more or 

less stable. If you were raised in an unstable environment, your parents' desire to 

nurture your individuality may have been more aspiration than actual. 

Your parents may have wanted you to have the privacy in which to develop a 

sense of self but were not brave enough to provide it. They may have violated your 

privacy to assuage their anxiety and to make sure your thoughts and beliefs were not 

becoming further from the social norms than they could tolerate. Giving children privacy 

has become challenging in the Internet era because the online world often blurs the 

boundaries between private and public space. Parents worry about their children being 

taken advantage of online, which makes it harder to give children privacy in their online


activities. 

Similarly, while your parents may have wanted to give you the freedom to 

express yourself as an individual, some forms expression may have been beyond their 

ability to tolerate (e.g., clothing, hairstyle, body modifications, music, beliefs). They may 

have been worried the community would condemn your entire family if you did not 

conform to certain norms in public. 

Your parents may have believed in tolerating people of other cultures, religions, 

etc., and wanted you to have such tolerance. However, their tolerance may have failed 

them in certain situations. For instance, the tolerance of many parents fails when they 

see a boy from a different background flirting with their teenage daughter--no matter 

how respectable the other family might be. 

A classic film that illustrates this challenge is, Guess Who's Coming to Dinner. 

Released in 1967, the story concerns a young, white, upper-class woman who has 

invited her fiancée to meet her parents for the first time. The prospective groom has all 

the markings of social respectability. He is a physician, a professor of medicine. He 

speaks and dresses well. He has no obvious vices. The only "problem" from the 

parents' perspective is that the young man is African American, and the parents are not 

sure their community will tolerate the mixed marriage. The French film La Cage aux 

Folles and its American remake The Birdcage are similar stories in which the groom's 

parents are a same sex couple, and the groom is worried this will be intolerable to his 

future in-laws. 

Another challenge at the unstable stage of Individuality is that your parents may 

have set expectations for you that seemed too high--such as getting perfect grades or 

winning trophies and scholarships. Their demands may have stemmed from their 

anxiety about looking respectable. They may have felt they would look like bad parents


if you didn't overachieve, especially when other parents were bragging about their 

children's accomplishments. This same anxiety may have caused them to intervene too 

much in your private space. Rather than give you room to figure out how to meet their 

expectations, they may have tried to micromanage you. In turn, you may have felt your 

parents didn't trust you or feel you were capable or smart enough to figure things out on 

your own. 

Your parents may have bragged about your achievements--exaggerating them in 

ways that made you feel your public image was phony. Alternatively, you may have had 

parents who failed to set clear expectations, which made it difficult for you to satisfy 

them. Or they may even have set their expectations too low, again suggesting that they 

felt you were not capable of succeeding at a higher level. 

A common side effect of growing up at an unstable Individuality stage is being 

left with the feeling nothing you do will ever be good enough--either for your parents or 

the world. You may feel deep shame whenever you fail to achieve a purpose, or guilt if 

you do something that disappoints your parents. You may feel a disconnect between 

your public persona and your authentic self--as though you are living a lie. Such feelings 

can make it hard to experience happiness and satisfaction in your life. Ironically, they 

may in turn cause you to set unrealistic expectations for your own children. You may 

want them to achieve what you didn't. 

If you were raised in an unstable Individuality environment, your biggest 

challenge as a parent will be to raise your own children in a more stable environment. 

Part of this work will require learning how to manage your own anxieties and other 

emotions mentioned above so you do not instill them in your children. You will want to 

encourage them to achieve public success without making them fear failure. You will 

want to set expectations, while giving them the freedom to discover what works best for


them. You will want to give them private spaces where they can develop their sense of 

self and trust they will be safe in doing so. Figuring out the right balance will require 

much effort. 

If you are fortunate to have grown up in a stable Individuality home, or if you 

succeed in your efforts to create one for your children, they will grow up better equipped 

to achieve respectability and success in the world. They will have a strong sense of their 

own identify, and a fulfilling private life. They will be well equipped to think for 

themselves and make good choices. They will become adults who can cooperate and 

work with people of diverse backgrounds and different perspectives and opinions. And 

they will be able to pass on these qualities to their own children.


Chapter 7: Inclusion 

Children who are raised in a stable Individuality environment receive many gifts 

that are taken for granted. Their lives are safe. They have a strong connection with one 

or more parents who provide for their needs. They are valued members of their family. 

Their home and community are orderly, thanks to a common set of beliefs and rules that 

are fair. They enjoy success and respectability in their public life while also having a 

strong sense of self and a fulfilling private life. 

We know children can receive one more gift, though it happens rarely. The age 

at which children are ready to receive this gift varies, though generally it will not occur 

before adolescence, after they have spent some time developing their Individuality in 

private. At some point, a teenager or young adult may be ready to express in the public 

sphere the unique interests, talents, and aspects of themselves they nurtured in private. 

Public expression of their uniqueness might become the foundation of a career or 

vocation. It will be a determining factor in how they interact with their community and the 

lifestyle they create for themselves as adults. However, to express their unique 

identities in public, teens and young adults need a supportive environment. They need a 

family and a community that celebrates individuality and views their expressions of 

individuality as valuable contributions.


At each of the lower levels, much of a person's individuality must be suppressed 

or concealed to some degree so they feel safe in their interactions with others. At each 

new level, people gain more security and more freedom to express themselves. At this 

sixth level, which we call Inclusion, people stop seeing other people's individuality as a 

threat to be contained and more of an asset to be developed. Everyone has the 

freedom to express their individuality in public and in a broader array of social 

situations. Because everyone in the community feels free to express themselves, the 

level of happiness and success increases as well. The inclusion of all voices and 

perspectives helps the community to find better solutions and innovations. 

Not many people grow up in a stable Inclusion environment. However, a few 

families and small communities have managed to create an unstable Inclusion 

environment. Generally, the transition to Inclusion begins after families have achieved a 

stable Individuality level and a new generation becomes aware of and dissatisfied with 

its limitations. So let us first look why this occurs. 

The Shortcomings of Individuality 

As we noted earlier, in an Individuality environment, people's lives are divided 

between a public life and a private life. In their public lives, people work to achieve and 

maintain a level of respectability and success. In their private lives, people pursue 

idiosyncratic interests or hobbies for the sake of their personal fulfillment. At the 

unstable stage of Individuality, people are glad to have private spaces, since these are 

not allowed at the Fellowship level. However, after a community is stable at the 

Individuality level for a generation or more, the trade-offs between these two spheres 

become problematic. 

In an Individuality community, people must work hard to achieve or maintain


respectability in the public sphere. Respectability requires the accumulation and 

possession of a long list of accomplishments. These accomplishments can include 

qualifications, possessions, positions, titles, money, memberships, career milestones, 

real estate, popularity, awards, attending or hosting the right events, and various 

lifestyle trappings. You must maintain a web of social connections with other 

respectable people. You must have a successful career, make as much money as you 

can, dress well, speak well, maintain a respectable dwelling in a good neighborhood, 

protect your reputation, and stay out of trouble. You must do your civic and patriotic 

duties. You must project an image through your appearance and behavior that tells the 

world you are respectable. In addition, there is always a higher level of respectability 

you should be striving for. The process of becoming and staying respectable never 

ends, which creates considerable stress. 

At the same time, you must put a lot of energy into making sure your private life 

never becomes public. Your private life is where you pursue interests or express 

aspects of yourself that would damage your respectability if they were made public. You 

must keep these things concealed from important people who might judge you, such as 

your teachers, your employer, your colleagues, your neighbors, your parents, and 

perhaps even your spouse and children. As the comedian, Jennifer Saunders, once 

noted, "Everybody's a nobody in a bikini." Exposure of your private life can undermine 

the public respectability you have worked hard to earn. 

In contrast, the activities and interests you pursue in private are far less stressful. 

Your private life is the place you go to "let down your guard" and "be yourself." It is 

where you can be authentic. You can do things in private that provide personal 

fulfillment, including activities that would be considered worthless, childish, 

unproductive, or even shameful in the public sphere. In private, you can stop caring


about what is socially acceptable. You don't have to meet anyone's expectations. You 

are free from being judged. You can "relax and unwind." Relaxation makes your private 

activities fun. 

The trade-off between one's public and private life seems reasonable to people 

still working to achieve stability at the Individuality level, and to those who feel they have 

found a good balance between their public and private lives. But for others, the cost of 

public respectability seems too high. They may resent the effort and stress that comes 

with meeting the demands of the public sphere. They may find it hard to convince 

themselves they should, for example... 

* Work at a job they hate for forty hours a week (or perhaps 60-80 hours) in return 

for an occasional day off they can devote to recreation, hobbies, friends, or 

family. 

* Work hard all year in return for a short vacation somewhere no one knows them, 

where they can be themselves. 

* Build and maintain a web of superficial social connections for the sake of 

advancement, while struggling to find time for more meaningful and enjoyable 

relationships. 

* Pursue a career they find unsatisfying for thirty to forty years, in return for a 

comfortable retirement in which they can finally do the things they wanted to do 

since they were young. 

Many people feel the effort they make to achieve respectability does not bring 

enough of the promised rewards. By the time some people retire, their declining health 

prevents them from pursuing the dreams they postponed for so long. Others find striving 

for public success leaves them with too little time for a private life. They may feel the 

effort to cultivate superficial relationships makes it harder to develop close friendships


and romance. They wish they could turn their hobby into their career or exchange their 

high-pressure job for one less demanding... but the potential for failure and loss of 

status holds them back. 

Some children who were raised at the Individuality level look at their parents and 

wonder why they are so obsessed with appearances. They may criticize their parents' 

public identities as phony and insincere, and resent being asked to put on a false 

persona of their own. They may find it unfair that their parents' careers leave them with 

little time to spend with family. 

In turn, some parents at the Individuality level wish their children could live a 

better life than the one they're leading--a life in which they don't have to pretend to be 

someone they're not in public or spend so much time on meaningless activities. They 

wish their children could find a vocation that combines public respectability and personal 

fulfillment. These desires are what lead to the creation of the Inclusion level. 

The Gift of Inclusion 

At the Inclusion level, the separation between public and private space weakens. 

The demands of respectability become less onerous. People seek careers that offer 

them personal fulfillment as well as status and financial rewards. The public sphere 

becomes more tolerant and even welcoming of idiosyncrasies that previously had to be 

confined to the private sphere. 

We must be careful to point out that, at present, we know of no community that 

has achieved a stable Inclusion level, so we cannot say exactly what one might look 

like. However, we can point to plenty of isolated unstable examples. Some alternative 

schools, after-school programs, or children's camps aim to create brief or limited 

Inclusion environments as bubbles within a larger community where the dominant level


is Individuality or lower. Adults can get a similar taste of the Inclusion level by 

participating in personal growth retreats that operate on the Inclusion level. Some adults 

manage to turn their passion into a career or created an alternative lifestyle they find 

more meaningful than the pursuit of public respectability. Other bubbles include small 

communities, neighborhoods, or milieux--for example subcultures, support groups, or 

social movements. Some parents succeed in creating a home environment for their 

children at the Inclusion level. However, none of these examples are very large, stable, 

or long-lasting. How successful they are at delivering the gift of Inclusion and the 

specific strategies they employ vary considerably. Nonetheless, by studying these 

examples, we can get some general ideas about what the Inclusion level may look like 

once a stable version appears. 

Here are a few things we know about children who were raised in a more 

Inclusive environment: 

An Inclusion Upbringing 

If you were raised at the Inclusion level, your parents will have taken an interest 

in your unique propensities and talents far beyond parents at the Individuality level. In 

an Individuality home, parents generally see their children's interests as "hobbies," 

things that might be fun to pursue in private, but not something to take seriously. 

Serious things include good grades in school, winning scholarships, a professional 

career, public accolades, marrying into a respectable family, or buying a home in a good 

neighborhood. Parents at the Individuality level want their children to put such 

achievements ahead of personal hobbies or interests. 

But if you were raised at the Inclusion level, your parents will have seen your 

personal interests and talents as things that could lead to public success as well as a


happier life in general. Rather than pushing you towards particular subjects in school, or 

particular extra-curricular activities, they likely tried to find out what you were interested 

in and where your talents lay. They let you choose your own activities and tried to give 

you resources and opportunities to nurture your talents. They will have encouraged you 

to set your own goals and supported you in achieving them. They wanted you to find a 

way to incorporate your unique gifts into your public life. They hoped that having less 

separation between your public and private activities would help your life to be both 

publicly respectable and personally meaningful. 


At the Individuality level, people's decision to resist or give in to impulses 

depends on the situation. In a private space, people are free to follow many impulses 

that they could not in a public space. 

Being raised at the Inclusive level will have given you an even more complex 

approach to impulse control. On the one hand, you have far less need for privacy, less 

need to protect your authentic self from the judgment of society. You are less likely to 

value decorum or formality. Unless you are in an unsafe environment, you feel free to 

give in to many impulses and express yourself authentically. You might even take 

offense at the suggestion that you should restrain or hide your true self in public. On the 

other hand, you appreciate the need to make situations safe for those around you, so 

you will resist certain impulses depending on who is present. You want everyone in your 

environment to feel safe enough to participate and express themselves authentically, 

just as you want a safe environment in which to express yourself. 

Empathy


At the Individuality level, people develop the capacity to tolerate different people-- 

that is, people not part of their community, who may have a different religion, culture, 

ethnicity, gender identity, etc. At least, they tolerate differences enough to engage 

socially and professionally with outsiders to their social group. This is a step forward 

from the Fellowship level, where people are intolerant of outsiders. 

At the Inclusion level, empathy takes another step forward. Differences are not 

just tolerated, they are embraced and celebrated. Being raised at Inclusion means you 

understand that your individuality--your unique talents, qualities, and perspective-- 

enable you to make a unique and valued contribution to the world. This understanding 

implies that every other person has a valuable perspective, talents, and qualities that 

should be shared with the world as well. Individuality should not be confined to private 

spaces. You are more likely to be interested in discovering other people's unique 

qualities and perspectives, because those are resources that can help solve problems 

and serve the needs of all. The Inclusion level sees diversity as a strength. Rather than 

just tolerate people's differences, you want to discover and celebrate them. 

Reason 

At the Fellowship level, people believe children should be treated the same, so 

solutions that appear rational at this level are often based on the idea of equality or 

uniformity. Resources and opportunities should be made available to every child 

equally. Some children will excel in certain areas while others will fail, but they all 

deserve an equal chance to do well. 

On the other hand, people raised at the Individuality level recognize that, 

because children are all different, they need different types of opportunities and 

challenges. An opportunity designed for the average child is like a shoe made for an


average foot--a poor fit for nearly everyone. Reason dictates that children with 

unavoidable challenges that could prevent them from meeting expectations for their age 

group should receive accommodations. Accommodations can include a wide range of 

assistive technologies--such as eyeglasses, hearing aids, specialized tools for writing 

and reading, or ergonomic desks. They include designing schools so children in 

wheelchairs can move around and reach everything they need. Some children may 

need special tutoring or counseling. Accommodations should not take away an 

academic challenge, but it should give all children a fair chance to succeed. 

However, at the Inclusion level, people believe that labeling certain children as 

"challenged" or "disabled," and then giving them accommodations so they can meet the 

challenges is trying to solve the wrong problem. The problem isn't that certain children 

are inadequate and need accommodations. The problem is that the challenges have 

been badly designed. A system with built-in barriers that exclude some people or cause 

them to need accommodation will seem irrational to people raised at the Inclusion level. 

To them, it makes more sense to design resources and opportunities to be accessible to 

everyone, regardless of their individual differences. In other words, systems should be 

inherently inclusive. 

[Illustration: A GROUP OF CHILDREN TRYING TO PEER OVER A WOODEN 

FENCE TO WATCH A BASEBALL GAME. IN THE FIRST CASE (FELLOWSHIP), 

EVERY CHILD HAS EQUAL ACCESS--A SPOT ALONG THE FENCE--BUT ONLY 

SOME CHILDREN ARE TALL ENOUGH TO SEE OVER IT. IN THE SECOND CASE 

(INDIVIDUALITY), CRATES ARE PROVIDED SO SHORTER CHILDREN CAN STAND 

ON THEM AND SEE OVER THE FENCE. IN THE THIRD CASE (INCLUSION) THE 

FENCE IS MADE OF CHAIN-LINK, WHICH DOESN'T OBSTRUCT ANYONE'S VIEW 

OF THE GAME, NO MATTER THEIR HEIGHT.]


Let's say you want to create a fitness program for children. At the Fellowship 

level, you might design a calisthenics routine that every child is supposed to do the 

same way. Of course, some children will be better at it than others, but provided every 

child does her best in the time allotted, that's acceptable. At the Individuality level, you 

might introduce modified versions of each exercise in the routine, so children who are 

not naturally athletic can do the modified versions and still benefit from the program. 

You might also have more difficult versions of the exercises to give exceptionally 

athletic children the extra challenge they need. At the Inclusion level, you might replace 

the routine with a different type of exercise, such as dancing, in which all children can 

participate, while also creating an opportunity for individual expression. The Inclusion 

level does not eliminate competition and the pursuit of excellence. There will still be 

sports teams and dance troupes for the exceptionally athletic. But as far as possible, the 

Inclusion level will lack barriers that would prevent children from participating in these 

activities to the extent of their ability. 

Inclusion takes a more complex approach to finding solutions, because it takes 

more issues into consideration, but it produces happier results. 

Morality 

At the Individuality level, the moral code evolves to be: 





4. Treat everyone in your community according to the rules, and when you break 

the rules ask for forgiveness or offer to make amends.


5. When in doubt, follow your conscience. 

At the Inclusion level, the moral code becomes more complex with the addition of 

a new guideline: 

6. Include everyone; exclude none. 

Morality at the Fellowship level is concerned with treating everyone within your 

community the same, according to the same set of rules. Everyone has equal rights, 

protections, and obligations. However, the rules do not apply to those outside your 

group who are not bound by the same set of rules and so cannot be trusted. 

At the Individuality level, the rules are more flexible, allowing society to be more 

tolerant. People of different ethnicities, cultural backgrounds, genders, or religions can 

live and work side by side. Though there may be a dominant cultural group, many 

different voices can be accommodated in the public sphere--in politics, business, 

academia, and even religion. Individuality communities develop principles of good 

manners to prevent friction among people from different groups. For instance, it may be 

understood that one does not discuss politics or religion at social gatherings or ask 

people about their gender or sexual preferences. Such topics may only be discussed in 

private, with people you trust. 

In contrast, an Inclusive environment tries to include all perspectives and all 

voices. No one is excluded or marginalized. Everyone is encouraged to speak up and 

contribute. The community embraces of all manner of differences. The one limitation is 

that no one can behave in a way that intimidates others or makes them feel unsafe to 

express themselves. 

Inclusive morality may one day be easy to follow for those raised in a stable 

Inclusion community, but it is difficult at the unstable stage. Sometimes it seems that, for 

certain people to be seen and heard, other voices must be silenced. Finding the right


balance so that everyone has the freedom and opportunity to express their perspective 

without feeling intimidated or disrespected, and without intimidating or disrespecting 

others, can be challenging. Some people will find it hard to embrace or celebrate 

perspectives different from their own. 

If a child is fortunate to be part of a community at the unstable Inclusion level, it 

will likely be a niche within the broad community. Fortunately, inclusive groups have a 

competitive advantage. Because they include many perspectives, inclusive groups can 

often make better informed decisions. The intellectual resources of all members can be 

better used to further the group's interests. Inclusive groups can find opportunities and 

solutions to create success and happiness that would be missed at other levels. 

In an Inclusive community, people take for granted that their career should be 

personally fulfilling, align with their values, and serve others. There will often be an 

erasure of the boundaries between work, home, and recreation. Inclusive workplaces 

tend to look more like private homes. Inclusive homes tend to double as workplaces. 

Jobs are designed to be both productive and enjoyable--and because they are 

enjoyable, they are often more productive. People feel free to share their inner 

experiences and perceptions and invite others to do the same. Authenticity becomes 

valued and people who put on a false front or a veneer of respectability may seem less 

trustworthy. 

If you succeed in raising your children in an Inclusive environment, even if only at 

the unstable stage, you will have equipped them to lead a life that most people only 

dream of--a life of considerable success, freedom, meaning, and happiness.


Chapter 8: Tips on Self-Assessment 

After doing the self-assessment, you may feel that different parts or aspects of 

your childhood or your current worldview seem to correspond to different levels. There 

are reasons for this. 

Most people have some experience with multiple levels before they become 

adults. This experience comes from different sources: 

a. Community exposure. In childhood, you were exposed not only to your home 

environment, but also to the environment of your community. The dominant level of your 

community may have been higher or lower than your home. Subgroups or environments 

within the community may have been operating at a range of levels. Interacting with 

these groups may have given you an outsider's experience of other levels. 

b. Intellectual exposure. You may have been exposed to books, articles, 

literature, movies, or other media that reflect a worldview higher or lower than that of 

your upbringing or your community. Thanks to electronic and broadcast media this is 

extremely common. 

c. Isolated incidents. You may have had brief events in your childhood that 

exposed you to life at other levels and impacted your life in positive or negative ways. 

For instance, above the Survival level, everyone grows up in an environment


where physical safety is normal. However, let's say as a child you grew up in an 

Individuality environment, but one day when you were in in the fourth grade someone 

entered your school and started shooting your classmates. That incident will have 

exposed you to a threat typical of an unstable Survival environment. Because the 

experience was scary and outside your normal reality, you will likely experience it as 

traumatic. Similarly, an event in which you got lost at a shopping mall and couldn't find 

your parents could be a Provision level trauma. A one-time incident of sexual assault by 

a family member would likely be a Structured Family level trauma. 

If you imagine your psyche as a multi-story building, an isolated trauma equates 

to a pillar being knocked out on one of your lower levels. It won't destroy the higher 

levels of your psyche, but it adds instability on the level where it occurs, and each level 

above. You may live your life at the higher level much of the time, but occasionally you 

will stumble upon something (a bad interaction with someone, a stressful experience, 

etc.) that will send you plunging down to that unstable lower level. You may become 

upset or behave in ways that might be appropriate to the lower level but are outside 

your normal behavior. 

Of course, isolated incidents aren't all negative. An occasion in which a stranger 

helped you unexpectedly could have given you an experience of a higher level that 

made a profound and positive impression on you. It may have made you aspire to reach 

a higher level as an adult. 

d. Sustained events or relationships. You may also have experienced longer 

periods--perhaps weeks or months--when you were immersed in an environment 

different from your normal one. You may have been sent to boarding school or summer 

camp or you may have gone to live with extended family for a time. You may have had 

a long-term relationship with one guardian who interacted with you on a different level


than everyone else. 

As with single events, sustained events and relationships can be positive or 

negative. The negative events create instability on lower levels of your psyche. The 

positive events can lay the foundation for the next higher level--giving you a sense of 

how life could be better. 

All these experiences can influence how you see the world and behave as a 

parent. But the strongest influence will always be the normal environment you lived in 

as a child, the one that established your conscious and unconscious understanding of 

the world. Single and sustained events are extraordinary. They are departures from 

your normal environment, so they do not determine your sense of normalcy. 

If you are still uncertain, below are a couple of other ways to help you identify the 

level you were raised at: 

How do you feel about other levels? 

Generally, the level you were raised at will feel normal. It will feel like how the 

world really works, the world as you know it. Levels above or below yours will evoke 

other feelings in you as follows... 

a) One level below yours will feel like a terrible but credible threat. 

For instance, if you were raised at the level of Individuality, you probably have an 

instinctive dislike of communities at the Fellowship level that pressure their members 

conform and forbid the questioning of beliefs. You may hate the idea of electronic 

surveillance, or any invasion of privacy. You believe society must be on guard against 

authoritarian leaders who try to bully others and tell them what to think and believe. This 

is a real danger. 

On the other hand, if you were raised at the Structured Family level, you are


likely appalled by life at the Provision level where people put their selfish desires ahead 

of their family. It is scary to think how parents at the Provision level abandon their 

children--and how grown children abandon their elders. These are terrible practices. 

While you are thankful not to be part of such a family, you understand the danger of 

slipping back to that level. You must impress upon your children how fortunate they are 

to have proper parents and how they must strive to keep up the family traditions. 

b) Two or more levels below yours will seem even worse, but less like an 

immediate or plausible threat. 

To someone raised at the Individuality level, the killing, abandoning, or abuse of 

children that takes place at the lower three levels, seems horrific, but also unlikely to 

happen in their own community. Like the world of The Game of Thrones or ancient 

Egypt, such an environment may feel far removed from normal life. Though you know 

such environments existed in the past or exist in distant communities today, you might 

find it hard to imagine that anyone in your community could treat a child so badly. 

Similarly, if you were raised at the Inclusion level, the idea of a Fellowship 

community where conformity is enforced and deviant opinions and behavior are 

forbidden may seem terrible, but also unlikely. You can't imagine people would put up 

with such a situation. 

A. S. Neil, a pioneer in progressive education (who we'll mention again later), 

relates an anecdote about how children in the 1950s at his school, Summerhill (an 

Inclusion environment), once reacted to a story about finding themselves with a 

Fellowship-style headmaster: 

On alternate Sunday nights, I tell the younger children a story about their 

own adventures. I have done it for years. I have taken them to Darkest Africa, 

under the sea, and over the clouds. Some time ago, I made myself die.


Summerhill was taken over by a strict man called Muggins. He made lessons 

compulsory. If you even said Dash, you got caned. I pictured how they all meekly 

obeyed his orders. 

Those three- to eight-year-olds got furious with me. "We didn't. We all ran 

away. We killed him with a hammer. Think we would stand a man like that?" 

In the end, I found I could satisfy them only by coming to life again and 

kicking Mr. Muggins out the front door. These were mostly small children who 

had never known a strict school and their reaction of fury was spontaneous and 

natural. 3 

c) One level above yours will look desirable, but a bit optimistic. You may have 

some difficulty imagining how such an environment could be achieved, but it won't seem 

impossible. 

For instance, if you were raised at the Provision level, you might see the appeal 

of being part of a Structured Family, where everyone has an important role to play and 

where you can rely on your family to stand by you. 

If you were raised at the Fellowship level, you might see the appeal of a 

community based on Individuality, where people tolerate differences of opinion and you 

could pursue your own interests in private without threatening the social order. It may be 

outside your experience, but it doesn't seem impossible. 

d) Two levels above yours will seem completely implausible. Only a naive person 

would think such an environment could work in real life. Even if people at that level 

seem happy, you will have a hard time imagining your community functioning that way. 

3 Neill, AS., Summerhill: A Radical Approach to Child Rearing 

(New York: Hart Publishing, 1960,


It would go against your understanding of human nature. The word "utopia," in the 

sense of a "good but impossible place," describes how a community two levels higher 

probably looks to you. 

For instance, if you were raised in a Survival environment, you would have a 

hard time imagining how a Structured Family could work. The idea that parents would 

set aside their own immediate desires for the sake of future generations, or that children 

would set aside their self-interest to care for their elders seems insane. People need to 

protect themselves in the here and now. Anyone who doesn't won't live very long 

anyway. You can't worry about the future or stick your neck out for others. Besides, you 

know from experience that family members are as likely to kill you as strangers. 

If you were raised at the level of Fellowship, the idea of living in an Inclusion level 

community that celebrates non-conformity, where people can behave however they 

want and profess the most outrageous and unorthodox opinions, seems like anarchy. 

You would worry that such a loosening of the rules would allow all the evils of the lower 

levels to assert themselves, resulting in the downfall of the community. 

The six levels are eighteen stages. 

Taken together, the levels resemble a six-story building. Each level is one story, 

and each level is built on the one below. When the Survival level has been built to the 

point of stability, the Provision level can be built on top of it. Once the Provision level is 

stable, the Structured Family level can be built. Building each new level takes time-- 

sometimes generations. If you were raised at a level that was not yet stable, you may 

only have a partial hold on the gift of that level. 

In our previous descriptions of the levels, we noted that each one can be at a 

stable or unstable stage. In fact, you may find it helpful to think of each level having


three stages of completion that look like this... 

a) Platform 

The platform stage is the most unstable stage of a level. To be raised at it means 

that your parents gave you the gifts of all the levels below, but the current level was 

mostly aspirational. It's as though the plans for your level had been drawn up, and 

maybe some of the framing was in place, but the walls were not yet built. They knew 

what they wanted to do, but not how to do it. Consequently, they made many mistakes 

and failed you in some ways. 

Nonetheless, you received the gift of that level, even if only in a rudimentary way. 

If you didn't have the gift at all, you would not be aware that your parents could have 

done better. 

b) Construction 

Once the work of building a new level has begun in earnest, we can say it is 

under construction. At this stage, your parents knew what they should do to give you the 

gift of your level, and they were trying, but they couldn't do it consistently. There were 

gaps in their application. It's as though the walls of your level were built, but the doors, 

windows, and roof had not been installed. 

Nonetheless, you still received the gift of your level more solidly than children at 

the Platform Stage. 

c) Stable 

To be raised at the stable stage means that your parents created an environment 

that consistently gave you the gift of your level, as well as the gifts of all lower levels.


They had mastered the challenges of parenting at your level. All the walls, windows, 

and doors were finished, and the roof was put on. 

You may find it helpful to pinpoint which stage you were raised at by finding the 

statement on this list that best matches your experience... 

Survival 

1. Platform: As a child, I constantly feared for my life. Adults, including my own 

parents, were dangerous. 

2. Under Construction: My parents tried to protect me from adults who could kill 

me (including themselves), but they didn't always do the best job and I'm lucky I 

survived. 

3. Stable: I knew other children were killed by adults, including their own parents, 

but at least I was safe with my parents who protected me. 

Provision 

4. Platform: I grew up with one or more parents absent, my caregivers were 

neglectful, or I was severely deprived in other ways. 

5. Under Construction: My parents tried not to abandon me and worked to 

provide me with the necessities, but they weren't entirely successful and sometimes I 

was neglected or deprived. 

6. Stable: I was aware of other children who were severely deprived or whose 

parents abandoned them, but my parents stuck with me and made sure I didn't go 

without. 

Structured Family


7. Platform: My parents failed to be proper parents. They didn't treat me with the 

respect I should have had as a valued member of the family. 

8. Under Construction: My parents tried hard to be proper parents and to fulfill 

their roles honorably. But they weren't consistent and did not always respect me as a 

valued member of the family. 

9. Stable: I was aware of other families where children were mistreated, but my 

parents fulfilled their role as parents honorably and respected me as a valued member 

of the family. 

Fellowship 

10. Platform: My parents taught me right from wrong, and that the rules should 

apply to everyone, but they often broke the rules themselves. The rules were often not 

clear, enforced, or followed in our home. 

11. Under Construction: My parents taught me right from wrong and that the 

rules should apply to everyone, but they didn't follow or enforce them consistently. 

12. Stable: I knew of families that did immoral, unethical, or unfair things, but my 

parents taught me right from wrong and that the rules should apply to everyone. They 

made sure I followed the rules, and they set a good example by following the rules 

consistently themselves. 

Individuality 

13. Platform: My parents wanted me to meet their expectations, be successful, 

and look respectable in public, but I was never certain what they expected of me or how 

I was supposed to act. They said I had a right to privacy and my own thoughts and 

opinions, but in practice they didn't tolerate my individuality or respect my privacy.


Often, they told me what I was supposed to think and believe. 

14. Under Construction: My parents wanted me to meet their expectations, be 

successful, and look respectable in public, but I wasn't always certain what was 

expected of me. My parents said I had a right to my individuality and my privacy. But 

sometimes they invaded my privacy or wouldn't tolerate my individuality, even at home. 

15. Stable: I knew children whose parents didn't care if they were successful, or 

looked respectable, and some who never were allowed any privacy or freedom. But my 

parents were different. They insisted I meet their expectations, be successful, and look 

respectable in public. In return they tolerated my individuality in private. I was allowed to 

pursue my own interests and have my own opinions. They respected my privacy. 

Inclusion 

16. Platform: My parents supported me in expressing myself, pursuing my own 

interests, and setting my own goals, provided I made choices they could approve of. 

They were more concerned about appearances and success than what would make me 

happy. 

17. Under Construction: My parents tried to encourage me to express myself, 

pursue my own interests, set my own goals, and make space for others to do the same. 

But their tolerance had limits and not all differences were celebrated. 

18. Stable: I knew of children whose parents set a lot of expectations for them 

rather than let them be themselves. But my parents were my greatest supporters and 

cheerleaders. They encouraged me to express myself, pursue my own interests, set my 

own goals, and make space for others to do the same. 

Co-Parenting


If you have a spouse or someone else you co-parent with, they will have a big 

influence on the environment your children grow up in. For this reason, you should have 

your spouse or parenting partner do their own separate assessment. 

Often people unconsciously choose partners who were raised at the same level, 

with a similar sense of what a "normal" childhood should be. Similar upbringings can be 

one reason partners find each other compatible. For other couples, this is not the case. 

As we will see later, if your partner was raised at a different level you may need to do 

some negotiation over parenting practices. 

Honesty 

Many people idealize their own upbringing and parents. They focus on the good 

parts and ignore the worst, sometimes because the worst is too painful to think about. 

Bear in mind that, when you're looking at families operating on a level lower than your 

own, you will see things happening within them that seem terrible. But people who grow 

up in that environment often don't get upset about those things, because they see them 

as normal and therefore inconsequential. Similarly, if you describe your childhood 

environment to someone who was raised at a higher level, they may see some aspects 

of it as terrible--including things you don't feel upset about at all. Only when your own 

psyche starts shifting to a higher level will you realize that parts of your childhood could 

have been better. 

Many people are reluctant to admit that they were raised at a lower level than 

their friends, colleagues, or neighbors--even to themselves. They pretend their past was 

better than it was. Similarly, most people want to be regarded as good parents. They 

don't want other people thinking they are raising their children at a low level. They may 

pretend to themselves and others that their family environment is at a higher level or


stage than it is. 

Some parents will attempt to create an environment for their children at a level 

higher than their own upbringing or understanding. In most cases this won't work. How 

you parent depends on instincts and impulses that are outside of your conscious control 

and correspond to the actual level of your upbringing or psychic development. In this 

book, we will show you how to take your family environment to a higher level. But you 

must understand that this process takes serious work. If you try to skip a stage or a 

level, or take a superficial approach, you will unintentionally drag the environment down 

to the lowest stage where you have stability--and that will be the level of your children's 

upbringing. 

The best approach is to be honest with yourself when taking the assessment. If 

you don't acknowledge where you are, you can't move forward. Once you know what 

level your psyche is at, you can make and execute a plan to stabilize yourself and your 

family at that level. After you family is stable on your own level, you can begin building 

the next level. 

Never be ashamed of your upbringing. 

You may be tempted to compare yourself to others, and in doing so feel either 

pride or shame about your upbringing. We urge you to set these feelings aside. To be 

raised at a lower level than those around you is no more a failing on your part than the 

genetics you inherited from your parents. No one can choose their parents or their 

childhood environment, but you can choose what to do as an adult. 

Even if you grew up in a Survival level environment, what matters is that you 

survived it, either because of or despite your parents. Survival is a valuable gift, and it 

has given you the opportunity to become a better parent to your children.


At the same time, no one can claim to have had a perfect upbringing. The 

highest form of parenting humans have invented to date remains a work in progress. No 

matter what level you were raised at, you can still do much to give your children a better 

upbringing than the one you received. What matters is not where you start from, but 

how far you go from that point. 

With the above considerations, you may not want to share the results of your 

assessment with anyone who might judge you harshly. Neither brag nor look for 

sympathy. Simply use the results to guide your efforts in becoming a better parent.


Part Two 

Parenting Within a Community


Chapter 9: Passing on the Gifts You Received 

By this point, you should have a good sense of what level of upbringing you 

experienced, the gifts you received, and how stable your level was. All things being 

equal, you will likely give your children an upbringing like your own. However, this does 

not always happen. You should consciously strive to give your children all the gifts you 

can offer them. 

When you set about choosing and creating an environment for your children to 

grow up in, you should follow two main guidelines. 

1. Pass on the gifts you received. 

If the only thing your parents did for you was keep you alive, you must do the 

same for your children. If your parents stuck by you and provided you with food, clothes, 

and a home with them, make sure you give those things to your children. If you grew up 

as part of a family where everyone was valued, had a role, and earned respect by 

putting the family's needs ahead of their own, teach your children those same values. If 

your parents also taught you rules of behavior and raised you as part of a cohesive 

community, provide the same for your children. If your parents also gave you private 

spaces where you had the freedom to express your individual thoughts and interests,


give such private spaces to your children. And if your parents also encouraged you to 

express your uniqueness and seek fulfillment in your public life, then do the same for 

your children. 

All this sound may sound easy and straightforward. Yet sometimes the 

circumstances of your life can interfere with your intentions. Misfortune can lead to 

crises that create stress and trauma in a family. When this happens, the environment in 

a home can regress to a lower level in the effort to deal with what the parents hope is a 

temporary challenge. For example, you may be raising your children in an Individuality 

environment, but if you lose your job, develop a debilitating illness, or separate from 

your spouse, your children's environment might drop to an unstable Provision level, due 

to the insecurity, fear, anger, and distress this crisis creates. 

The consequences a crisis will have on your children's developing psyches 

depends on their age, the intensity of the crisis, and how long it persists. If your son is a 

newborn when the crisis arises, and the instability lasts several years, his sense of 

normal may be established during the crisis. He could receive a Provision level 

upbringing with none of the gifts of higher levels. On the other hand, if your daughter is 

old enough when the crisis hits to have already established an understanding of the 

world based on Individuality, the crisis will create some instability in her psyche on the 

Provision level and the levels above. But she will still have the gifts of those levels. By 

doing some renovation work on her own or with the help of a therapist, your daughter 

could overcome the effects of the crisis more easily than your son. 

As a parent, you should make every effort to shield young children from the 

insecurity generated by a crisis and to end the crisis as quickly as possible. The better 

you can accomplish this, the fewer lasting effects your children will experience. Once 

you have resolved the crisis and restored the family's security, the children can receive


the gifts of the higher levels. 

A fictional (and exaggerated) example of how such shielding can work is shown 

in the film, Life is Beautiful. In this story, a father and son are sent to a concentration 

camp in Italy during World War II. The environment is at an unstable Survival level 

where there is a good chance they will be killed. However, the father strives to shield his 

son from the fear this situation would otherwise generate by spinning an elaborate lie 

that says their situation is all make-believe, part of an elaborate game they are playing 

with other people. Even though the father is eventually killed, he manages to protect his 

son both physically and mentally until the day the camp is liberated and the son rejoins 

his mother. The film makes the point that a child's interpretation of her environment can 

be more important than the actual conditions. If a child has at least one parent who can 

offer reassurance and teach her to see a bad situation in a way that is less scary, much 

of the harm can be reduced. 

In the following pages, we will offer some suggestions for how to strengthen your 

children's environment, so they better receive the gifts of your level. 

2. Pave the path to higher levels; block the path down. 

Expose your children to higher levels as much as possible. You may be unable to 

give them gifts you do not possess yourself, but exposing them to a world where other 

gifts exist will help them function in that world as adults, a world where the opportunities 

for prosperity and happiness are greater because cooperation is greater. Moreover, 

helping your children to integrate into a higher level creates the possibility that they--and 

even more likely, your grandchildren--will receive the gifts of that level. 

At the same time, you should limit your children's exposure to environments 

operating at lower levels. Most people do this instinctively because they are repulsed by


levels below their own. However, if you have had unpleasant or traumatic experiences 

of lower levels, you can sometimes unthinkingly make choices that recreate these 

experiences for your own children. In later chapters, we will show you how to overcome 

this tendency. 

However, before you can decide whether and how much to expose your children 

to a particular community, you need to identify what level the community is operating 

on. Let's now assess the community you currently live in.


Chapter 10: Assessing Your Child's Community 

Your child's community includes everyone she regularly interacts with, the adults 

and children who are part of or involved in her neighborhood, school, religious 

congregation, clubs, sports teams, extracurricular activities, and other organizations. 

The community also includes your child's extended family--grandparents, uncles, aunts, 

and cousins. As your child grows, her community will have a growing influence on her. 

The households in your child's community may operate at a variety of levels-- 

maybe all six of them. However, one level will usually dominate. Either most households 

will operate at that level, or it will be the level that has the most social approval. 

Expressing the concerns of the dominant level in any gathering of parents will get heads 

nodding. The dominant level in your community may be higher, lower, or the same level 

as your upbringing or the environment you are trying to create in your home. Knowing 

your community's level will help you decide how to manage your child's exposure to it. 

General Impression: Higher or Lower? 

You can form a general impression of your child's community when you socialize 

with other parents. Listen to their concerns about parenting. Watch how they interact 

with their children.


If you find it easy to discuss your parenting concerns and methods with other 

parents, because they see things much the same way, chances are the dominant level 

in your community matches the one you were raised at. If you feel uncomfortable talking 

about parenting with other parents, because their concerns differ from yours, the 

community may be at a different level than your upbringing. Your emotional response to 

other people's parenting style can help you determine whether the community level is 

higher or lower than yours. 

After you've had some time to listen to and interact with other parents in 

community, notice if you feel... 

* Appalled at the way most parents in the community are raising their children. 

* Angry when you see how most parents in the community treat their children. 

* Worried that the way parents in your community raise children is harmful. 

* Uncomfortable having your children visit other families without you there to 

protect them. 

If so, the dominant level in your community is probably lower than the one you were 

raised at. 

On the other hand, if the dominant level in your community is higher than the one 

you were raised it, you may notice that most other parents... 

* Easily handle parenting issues you find challenging. 

* Have concerns about aspects of their children's welfare that your parents would 

not have understood. 

* Have much friendlier relationships with their children than you did with your 

parents. 

At the same time, you may notice that most children in the community seem less fearful 

of their parents than you were as a child. They may seem unusually confident, nice,


happy, or accomplished. 

Assessment 

The following questions will give you a more accurate sense of whether the 

dominant level and stage of your child's community is higher, lower, or the same as your 

own upbringing. The better you know the community, the easier it will be to answer 

these questions. Note that each of the levels looks a little different depending on your 

personal perspective. Feel free to skip to the questions meant for your level. You can 

ignore the rest or read them for interest. 

If you were raised at the Survival level, does it seem like many parents in your 

community... 

1a. Are a danger to their children or lack the ability to protect their children from 

being killed by others? Are many children killed before reaching adulthood? Do 

parents often threaten to kill their children or convince their children that adults 

could kill them? Y/N (Survival, platform stage) 

1b. Are making a concerted effort to protect children from being killed or the fear 

of being killed? Do they worry they could kill their children in a fit of rage? Do 

their children sometimes worry they could be killed? Y/N (Survival, construction 

stage) 

1c. Are concerned and diligent about safeguarding their children's lives, so the 

children grow up knowing their lives are safe, even though children in other 

families are often killed? Y/N (Survival, stable) 

2. Do not worry about children being killed by adults? Would they be surprised to 

meet a child who genuinely feared being killed? Y/N (above Survival)


If you were raised at the Provision level, does it seem like many parents in the 

community... 

1. Are a danger to the lives of children? Y/N (Survival) 

2a. Die or abandon their children before they are grown? Are many children 

severely deprived? Do parents threaten to abandon their children or to deprive 

them of the necessities of life? Y/N (Provision, platform stage) 

2b. Struggle to stay with their children and provide them with necessities of life? 

Do they believe they could abandon their children or fail to provide for them? Do 

the children grow up with a fear of abandonment or severe deprivation? Y/N 

(Provision, construction stage) 

2c. Are concerned and diligent about keeping their children with them and 

providing children with the necessities of life, so the children feel safe from the 

severe deprivation or abandonment other children experience? Y/N (Provision, 

stable) 

3. Find it easy to keep their children with them and provide for them? Would they 

be surprised to meet a child who genuinely feared her parent(s) would abandon 

her or let her suffer severe deprivation? Y/N (above Provision) 

If you were raised at the Structured Family level, does it seem like many parents 

in the community... 


2. Abandon their children or let them suffer severe deprivation? Y/N (Provision) 

3a. Do not value their children? Do they mistreat them? Do they fail to teach 

them to play an important role in their family? Do they fail to conduct themselves


honorably as mothers and fathers should? Do they disrespect family members? 

Y/N (Structured Family, platform) 

3b. Are inconsistent when it comes to valuing their children and teaching them 

their proper roles in the family? Do they struggle to fulfill their roles as parents? 

Do the children fear their parents' mood swings? Y/N (Structured Family, 

construction) 

3c. Are concerned and diligent about valuing their children and teaching them 

their proper role in the family? Do they conduct themselves as proper mothers 

and fathers? Do their children grow up feeling safe from the mistreatment and 

disrespect other children experience? Y/N (Structured Family, stable) 

4. Find it easy to maintain strong, healthy families? Would they be surprised to 

meet a child who genuinely feared being mistreated by her parents or felt she 

was not a valued member of her family? Y/N (above Structured Family) 

If you were raised at the Fellowship level, does it seem like many parents in the 

community... 



3. Emotionally, physically, or sexually abuse their children? Y/N (Structured 

Family) 

4a. Fail to teach their children rules of behavior that apply to everyone? Do they 

break the rules themselves or not enforce them? Do they leave their children 

unsupervised? Do their children lack structure to their lives and constantly 

misbehave? Y/N (Fellowship, platform stage) 

4b. Struggle to teach children rules of behavior that apply to everyone? Is it hard


for parents to follow the rules themselves or enforce them consistently? Do they 

believe their children will misbehave when unsupervised? Do the children 

complain their parents' decisions are unfair or that their parents often change the 

rules arbitrarily? Do the children's lives lack structure? Is their children's behavior 

inconsistent? Y/N (Fellowship, construction stage) 

4c. Are concerned and diligent about teaching children rules of behavior that 

apply to everyone? Do parents follow the rules themselves? Do they enforce the 

rules impartially and consistently? Do they supervise children and structure their 

lives to a high degree? Are the children well-behaved? Can children work within 

the rules to enjoy a safe and predictable life? Y/N (Fellowship, stable) 

5. Find it easy to get their children to behave well? Would they be surprised if 

their children misbehaved when unsupervised? Y/N (above Fellowship) 

If your upbringing was at Individuality, does it seem like many parents in the 

community... 




Family) 

4. Are overly strict, controlling, or intrusive with their children, to the point of 

denying them the right to their own opinions, privacy, or time to pursue their own 

interests? Y/N (Fellowship) 

5a. Fail to teach their children to comport themselves well in public, to dress 

properly or to otherwise meet their social obligations? Do they fail to set 

expectations for their children's success in school and other activities? Do they


not give their children enough privacy or freedom to pursue their own interests? 

Y/N (Individuality, platform stage) 

5b. Struggle to teach their children to comport themselves well in public, to dress 

properly, and to otherwise meet their social obligations? Are they unclear or 

inconsistent in their expectations for their children's success in school or other 

activities? Do they sometimes encourage their children to find their own way to 

meet expectations, but then intervene and start telling their children exactly what 

to do? Do they encourage their children to have opinions, but disapprove if their 

opinions are unconventional? Do they worry about looking like bad parents if 

their children don't follow social conventions, or receive accolades? Do they 

sometimes invade their children's privacy or rescind their freedom? Do children 

complain about not understanding what's expected of them? Y/N (Individuality, 

construction stage) 

5c. Teach children to comport themselves well in public, to dress properly, and to 

otherwise meet their social obligations? Do they set clear expectations for their 

children's success in school and other activities? Do they give their children the 

privacy and freedom to pursue their own interests and find their own way to meet 

expectations? Do they tolerate their children's individuality? Do the children meet 

their parents’ expectations? Y/N (Individuality, stable) 

6. Encourage their children to set and pursue their own goals? Do they 

encourage their children to express their individuality, even in public? Would they 

be surprised if they met a child who was afraid of not meeting her parents’ 

expectations? Y/N (Inclusion) 

If your upbringing was at Inclusion, does it seem like many parents in the


community... 




Family) 

4. Are overly strict and intrusive with their children, to the point of not letting them 

have any independent thoughts, privacy, or freedom to pursue individual 

interests? Y/N (Fellowship) 

5. Worry too much about appearances, success, and respectability? Are they 

concerned more with their children's achievements than their happiness? Do they 

keep their passions, hobbies, or opinions separate from their work or public life? 

Y/N (Individuality) 

6. Encourage their children to develop their own interests and talents, express 

their authentic selves in public, and pursue vocations they find personally 

meaningful? (Inclusion) 

Assuming you now have a good sense of the dominant level of your child's 

community, we will next discuss how to manage your child's exposure to that 

community.


Chapter 11: Negotiating Home and Community Differences 

When you understand the level you were raised at and the dominant level of your 

community, you can decide the degree to which your child will benefit from interacting 

with other families in the community, or whether you need to protect your child from 

exposure to the community. 

Most communities contain families operating at a range of levels, so in all cases 

you will want to know the parents of your children's friends so you can feel safe letting 

your children visit them. 

Here are the guidelines: 

When the Community Environment is at a Lower Level 

If the dominant level of your child's community is one level down from their home 

environment, you may have some challenges, but they can often be negotiated. You will 

share some concerns with other parents in the community, but you will also have 

concerns they do not. To form supportive relationships with other parents, you will need 

to look for those who are operating on your level or higher. There will probably be a few. 

At the same time, you may be a good resource for parents at the dominant level, since 

you are likely to have an easier time coping with parenting issues they are struggling


with. 

As your children grow and get involved in the community, you may have to teach 

them how to interact with families who have different parenting practices. You may have 

to explain that "your friend's parents do things a certain way in their house, but we do 

things differently in ours." They may have to learn to adjust their expectations when they 

visit other households in the neighborhood or participate in activities with other children. 

You may also need to counterbalance the exposure your child has to lower levels 

by giving her experiences at the same level as her home environment and higher levels. 

If the dominant level of your child's community is two or more levels below her 

home environment, you have a more serious challenge. Experiences two levels below a 

child's home environment can be scary or upsetting for children. Too much experience 

on that level can undermine the gifts you are trying to pass on. 

If this is your situation, you basically have three choices. You can... 

a) Make your home into a bubble (or perhaps a walled fortress) to insulate your 

child from the community. Inside the bubble, create the environment you want your child 

to experience. 

Do not let your child interact too much with families operating two or more levels 

down from yours, especially if you or someone you trust is not present to supervise. 

Bullying and various forms of abuse often occur at lower levels. If other parents are at 

your level or higher, you may join with them in creating an expanded bubble within the 

community that includes all such families. Interacting with these families will give your 

child the opportunity to make friends with children being raised in a similar environment, 

which will reinforce the gifts you want your child to receive. 

As your children age, you will want to teach them skills they need to protect 

themselves when interacting with people in their community. They must understand that


the outside world works differently than home. If the dominant level of the community is 

below the stable Fellowship level, children should be cautious in trusting adults outside 

their own family, apart from police or other authorities (and not always then). 

We should note that life in a bubble is often the option chosen by expatriates or 

members of the military or diplomatic services of developed countries who have moved 

their families to a less developed part of the world where they are posted. 

b) Become a social reformer. 

If you have the resources, you may become a community organizer or activist 

and help your community elevate to a higher level or at least more stable stage of its 

current level. This is a difficult task, and you will need as many allies in the process as 

you can find to make it happen. If you are lucky, there will already be organizations 

working toward this goal that you can work with, including religious groups, charities, 

government agencies, non-profits, and other families who are also operating above the 

dominant level. In a sense, you will be trying to expand the bubble to encompass a 

greater portion of the community until it becomes the dominant culture. 

Be warned that changing the dominant level of a community can take decades if 

not generations--much longer than the time it takes for your child to grow up. If you 

choose this option, you may still need to raise your child within an expanded bubble 

until the community successfully shifts to a higher level. 

c) Move to a better community. 

Given the challenges of the first two options, your best choice may be to move to 

a different community where the dominant level is higher. 

Moving to a higher-level community within your current city, state, or nation can 

give your children more opportunities and help them toward a happier and more 

prosperous life. If you live in a city, you may already have a sense of which


neighborhoods are operating at a higher level. If you don't, you can find out by asking 

around. When looking for a good neighborhood, clues include... 

* Socio-economic class. Childhood environments correlate to some extent with 

economic prosperity. People raised at higher levels generally have a greater capacity 

for cooperation, leadership, and initiative. As a result, people in higher level 

communities tend to be more educated and have higher incomes. 

Of course, the correlation is not perfect. Some Structured Families are quite 

wealthy. Some socially gifted and educated people are economically insecure. 

However, the stress generated by economic insecurity (a Provision level threat) is one 

of the factors that make it more difficult for families to advance to a higher level. As a 

result, middle-class neighborhoods generally have higher level environments than 

working class neighborhoods. 

* Community engagement. Even if a neighborhood is poorer than surrounding 

areas, strong community engagement can be a sign of a higher dominant level since it 

speaks to greater cooperation among neighbors. Look for neighborhoods where more 

residents participate in community events, festivals, clubs, art projects, beautification 

projects, charities, local politics, community service organizations, outreach programs, 

school boards, etc. 

* Safety. A low crime rate can be a sign that the dominant level is at the stable 

Fellowship stage or higher, since "law and order" becomes a priority at the Fellowship 

level. (Note that safety also means a low level of violence perpetrated by police.) A low 

level of government corruption and a high level of ethical business behavior can be 

similar indicators. 

* Good schools. We will discuss choosing a school for your child separately, but 

in many cities the opportunity to send your child to a good school requires you to live in


a good neighborhood. Again, this often correlates with a middle-class or higher 

community, since economically secure, well-educated parents tend to have the means 

and the motivation to improve schools in their neighborhood. 

If you can, consider moving to the highest-level community you can afford--even 

if it is at a level above your own. Your children will benefit from being raised in such an 

environment. Living in the cheapest home in a good neighborhood can be better than 

buying the most expensive home in a bad neighborhood. 

If you grew up in a part of the world where the dominant culture of the entire 

country operates at a low level, it may be worthwhile to emigrate to a country with a 

higher-level environment. 

When the Community Environment is at a Higher Level 

You may find the dominant level of your child's community is at a level above 

their home environment. One reason could be that misfortune or trauma, either yours or 

your parents', resulted in the family regressing to a lower level than that your ancestors 

or your community. You may have been denied a gift in childhood you might otherwise 

have received. Personal tragedy might have caused your psyche to regress. Since you 

cannot pass on a gift you do not possess, you will likely create a home environment for 

your child at the lower level. 

However, you may also be aware that your community's dominant level offers 

certain advantages, even if you don't know how to create such an environment at home. 

Your task will therefore be to: 

a. Pass on the gifts you have. 

b. Seek out opportunities for your children to interact with children from other 

families in the community, so they get exposed to the higher level.


c. Try as much as possible to follow the parenting practices of the community's 

dominant level and to raise the level of your home. 

You may find this last item difficult. You may need the help of support groups or 

counselors, and you may fail often. But if you want to give your children the best chance 

in life, you must try. 

Fortunately, children will adapt to their environment. Even though their sense of 

"normal" will be established at home, exposure to families operating at a higher level will 

help them learn how to function in that environment. It will help them become more 

successful and prosperous as adults and make it more likely they will try to raise their 

children at a higher level. 

Sometimes the dominant level of your child's community will be two or more 

levels above their home. This is most often true for families who have emigrated from a 

less developed part of the world to a developed nation. As a parent, you may have a 

difficult time adjusting to this higher-level environment and you may experience much 

anxiety. Many of the rules and practices your parents followed will be disapproved of. 

You may have a hard time understanding why and how this new community functions. 

You may face a lot of pressure to do things differently in your home to meet the 

standards of the community. 

One source of help will be others from your country who emigrated before you. 

They can offer you advice on adapting to the new community. There may already be a 

club, church, or newcomers’ organization you can join. You may also find government 

agencies or community service groups dedicated to helping immigrant families adjust. 

Of course, you don't have to change countries to find yourself in a community 

operating two levels higher than the one you grew up in. Communities in every country 

operate at a range of levels. Sometimes parents who are successful in their careers will


move to much better neighborhoods than the one they grew up in. Moving to a 

community two levels higher can feel like moving to a new country. You may have to 

adjust to a different way of doing things to get the approval of your neighbors. 

Perhaps you were raised at the Fellowship level in a religious community that 

saw certain beliefs or lifestyles as morally wrong. Yet you find yourself in an Inclusion 

community where these lifestyles are practised openly or even celebrated. If those 

practising this lifestyle are friendly, polite, treat others well, and are generally good 

neighbors, you may have to adjust your own beliefs to tolerate the situation. Such an 

adjustment would be taking yourself one step closer towards the Individuality level-- 

which may be the best compromise. 

Most likely you will find it impossible to change your home environment to be in 

line with a community two levels higher. That is all right. But you should encourage your 

children to participate in the community so they will come to understand how it 

functions. The better they adapt, the more likely they are to be successful as adults and 

the more help they will be to you when they are older. 

When the Community and Home Environments are at the Same Level 

You will have an easier time as a parent when your home environment and the 

community environment are similar. In that scenario, you and your children will 

instinctively understand how the world works. Other parents will have the same 

concerns you do, and struggle with the same issues. Nonetheless, we will review the 

basics... 

1. Survival 

In developed countries, it is rare for your child's community and home to both be


at the Survival level. Nonetheless, we will start with this situation because it can be 

found in many parts of the world, even though it is the worst-case scenario. 

Your priority when raising children in a Survival level community will be to protect 

them from dangerous people in the community. Usually, the best thing you can do is 

move your family to a safer, higher-level community. If this is not possible, you will need 

to make your home into something akin to a fortress. Make sure your children are well 

protected when outside the home. If possible, band together with trustworthy adults to 

protect all the children in your group. 

Inside the home, create a safe environment for your children. 

2. Provision 

If your children's community and home both operate at the Provision level, you 

can feel safer in letting your children interact with other families in the community, since 

you know adults will protect the lives of children. 

Of course, not every family in your community will be operating at the stable 

Provision level. Some will be higher or lower. Some will only be at the platform stage of 

Provision, some will be under construction. It's a good idea to get to know your 

neighbors and the parents of your children's friends, to get a sense who is safe and who 

may not be. However, most parents in the community will be aspiring to raise their 

children at a stable Provision level. You will likely find opportunities to connect with 

other parents and form supportive alliances. 

One challenge your children may face in a Provision level community is a lack of 

strong, permanent connections. In a Provision community, relationships come and go. 

Divorces or separations are common. Living arrangements can change frequently. 

Financial instability or poverty can also be a concern in an unstable Provision


community. Employment can be precarious. Money may ebb and flow. Efforts to create 

stability in the community, for instance by sharing, pooling resources among neighbors, 

or charitable programs should be supported. 

If you have a hard time providing a stable and adequate home for your children, 

additional problems can arise. In most developed nations, if parents fail to provide for 

their children, the authorities take children away from their parents and place them in 

foster care. Parents may have a hard time regaining custody of their children after it's 

been lost. If you believe you might lose your children in this way, you may prefer to 

make your own arrangements before this happens. If your children's grandparents or 

other relatives can provide a home for your children at the stable Provision stage or 

higher, that may be a better option. It may even make sense for the grandparents to 

have legal custody of your children. 

Children whose parents work in the military or diplomatic services often face a 

different sort of Provision level challenge. Because these professions require parents to 

move to different parts of the world, sometimes without their families, the children can 

experience instability in their external environment. The bonds children form with people 

and places may be broken or disrupted with each move. It can also be hard for children 

to feel a secure connection with a parent who is often absent for months at a time. And 

such absences can strain marriages too. 

Military and diplomatic organizations are familiar with the stress the lifestyle 

places on families. Usually, they try to compensate by providing support, including 

opportunities for parents and children to build and maintain social networks. The 

effectiveness of these programs varies and may depend to some extent on the home 

environment of the families involved. The higher the level of your home and those of 

other families, the easier it may be for everyone to form and maintain social connections


despite frequent relocations. 

If your work takes you away from your children for lengthy periods, you should 

look for ways to provide your children with a stronger sense of stability and connection. 

You children need to know that you will always be there for them, that they will always 

have a home. Use video chat services to communicate with your children when you are 

overseas. Encourage them to stay in touch with friends at former schools via social 

media. Try to limit the number of times your children must move houses or change 

schools. Perhaps send them to the same summer camp each year, or on regular visits 

to relatives so that these places become a stable part of your child's world. 

Sometimes children can compensate for an unstable home life by forming longterm 

relationships with other trustworthy adults in their community. These may include 

members of their extended family, teachers, coaches, parents of friends, community 

leaders, or clergy. Of course, you must make sure such role models are trustworthy. 

3. Structured Family 

If your children's community and their home both operate at the Structured 

Family level, you can expect that in other families, as with yours, parents will be trying to 

fulfill their roles honorably. At the Structured Family level, children will spend most of 

their free time with family, including their extended family. However, many Structured 

Family communities value hospitality, so you may feel safer sending your child on 

sleepovers at friend's houses than you would in an unstable Provision level community. 

Of course, the roles family members play will vary within each family. You will 

need to teach your children that when they visit other families, they should pay attention 

to what each person's role in the family is and adapt.


4. Fellowship 

If your children's community and home both operate at the Fellowship level, then 

involvement in the community will be important. If your family belongs to a religious 

congregation, you will want your child to attend regular services and lessons, so they 

learn the rules and proper behavior. Alternatively, your family may be part of a secular 

community that has a particular philosophy or set of rules, as well as activities and 

events that you attend regularly. 

Either way, being involved in a community with other families is important at the 

Fellowship level. You will want to encourage your children to interact and make friends 

with children from other families who belong to the same congregation and are taught to 

follow the same rules. Knowing that everyone in the community is trying to follow the 

same set of rules all the time means you can feel safer letting your children spend time 

with other families. Naturally, you will teach your children the importance of following the 

rules when they are visiting friends. 

We should note that while you will encourage your children to interact with other 

families within your group, you may not feel safe letting them interact too much with 

families of other religions, ethnicities, cultural backgrounds, or any other persuasion that 

goes against the teachings of your community. Outside influences can detract from your 

efforts to help your children become ideal members of your community. 

5. Individuality 

If your children's community and home both operate at the Individuality level, 

they can safely visit the homes of friends and you can build supportive relationships with 

other parents. Of course, you will teach your children to demonstrate their best, polite 

behavior when visiting other families and when guests come to your home.


One difference from the Fellowship level is that you can feel safer letting your 

children make friends with children from families that belong to different religions, 

ethnicities, or cultural backgrounds--provided these families are also at the Individuality 

level. Experiencing and learning to tolerate other points of view will help your children 

become more successful adults. 

6. Inclusion 

Few communities function at the Inclusion level, but if you are fortunate enough 

to fine one, you can feel safe letting your children interact with other families. Inclusion 

communities often resemble a big, happy family where everyone feels safe to be 

themselves, everyone is looked after, and individual differences are celebrated.


Chapter 12: School as an Ally 

Children spend between 800 and 1,000 hours each year in school, depending on 

the country they are raised in. The school environment is second only to the home in 

terms of its influence on children's developing psyches. A good school can help children 

receive the gifts you are trying to bestow on them, as well as expose them to higher 

levels. A bad school can make parenting harder. 

Depending on where you live and your income level, you may have a lot of 

choice or none regarding what school to send your child to. You may find a variety of 

educational philosophies and methods are used by different schools and even different 

teachers within the same school. If you have a choice of schools or teachers, the most 

important guideline is that the school or class environment should operate at a level 

equal to or higher than your child's home environment. For instance, if you are raising 

your child at the Individuality or Inclusion level, you should probably avoid sending her 

to a Fellowship school. 

Though schools will not identify themselves by the labels we use for the different 

levels, you can easily tell what level a school operates on. 

Fellowship Schools


Public education, which is offered in most developed nations, came into 

existence in the late nineteenth century and early twentieth centuries as a Fellowship 

level institution. What most people picture when they hear the word "school" is a 

Fellowship school. Education below the Fellowship level is more likely to take the form 

of home schooling, apprenticeships, or private tutors. A Fellowship school has two main 

goals: 

1. Standardized education. 

Fellowship schools are based on the idea that every child who attends school 

should receive the same standard education--a basic set of skills that will equip them to 

do the most common types of jobs. Though a variety of subjects are taught, the core 

focus at the elementary level has traditionally been on literacy and numeracy--the 

clerical skills needed to run a small business or family farm, work in an office, or prepare 

for academic studies at college. Specialized jobs, such as trades or professions require 

apprenticeships or advanced degrees, but Fellowship schools give everyone an equal 

foundation. 

Educators continuously revise the standard curriculum to include other skills and 

subjects as they are deemed important within the community (e.g., computer literacy, 

science, civics, and the arts) while removing others that seem no longer important (e.g., 

cursive writing). But the intent is always the same: to mold children into standard 

employable members of a Fellowship community. 

2. Well behaved citizens. 

Though not widely acknowledged, education is not the only or even most 

important goal of a Fellowship school. The primary goal of a Fellowship school is to train 

children to follow a common set of rules. If you attended a Fellowship level school, you 

will be quite familiar with the rules you had to follow, but here are some of the typical


ones: 

* Be at school on time. 

* Follow the schedule. 

* Don't speak out of turn; raise your hand and wait for the teacher to call on you. 

* Don't distract your neighbor. 

* Stay in your seat. 

* Don't leave the classroom without permission. 

* Do the work the teacher assigns you and nothing else while in class. 

* Don't run in the halls. 

* Don't fight on the playground. 

* Don't damage school property. 

* Don't cut ahead of others in line. 

A Fellowship school strives to teach children to follow a set of rules instead of 

their own impulses, often through a system of punishments and (to a lesser extent) 

rewards. By the time children have spent eight to twelve years in a Fellowship school, it 

will be second nature to most children to obey and work within the rules--a trait which 

makes them better able to function in a Fellowship level workplace or community. 

At the Fellowship level, people regard children as soft clay that, through 

discipline and rules, should be molded and hardened into a functional member of 

society. In the 1970s, some education critics started to use the term "factory model 

schools" to refer to Fellowship schools. In this analogy, children enter the school system 

as "raw materials" at age four or five and are refined (educated and trained) as they 

progress through each stage (grade) of the process until they graduate as finished 

products. Standard classrooms in the early twentieth century consisted of rows of 

separate desks, one for each child, and a teacher's desk at the front, a layout similar to


many offices and factories of that era. This design continues to be used in Fellowship 

schools today. 

For those who find such analogies distasteful, we should point out that critics are 

often looking at Fellowship schools from an Individuality or Inclusion perspective that 

misses the value these schools offer. For communities operating below the stable 

Fellowship stage, Fellowship schools offer many children an environment that is more 

safe, orderly, and predictable than what they experience at home. Learning to function 

in such an environment and to interact with others according to a set of rules is a 

powerful gift that many children need to lead better lives as part of a community. 

When you are looking for an appropriate school for your children, certain traits 

can be used to identify Fellowship schools, regardless of the school's stated educational 

philosophy or aims: 

* Conformity. Many Fellowship schools require students to wear a standard 

uniform, which makes all students look the same and therefore equal. Often Fellowship 

schools cater to families of a particular religion, a niche culture (e.g., military schools), 

or a social class. Students in Fellowship schools tend to be homogeneous in terms of 

culture, ethnicity, economic class, or sex. Separate schools for boys and girls are 

common. In some societies, education may be denied to certain segments of the 

population (e.g., girls, lower classes, or those of other religions). Fellowship schools are 

often founded with the specific goal of indoctrinating students into a particular culture 

and making them into ideal members of a specific community. 

* Constant supervision. Teachers must remain in the classroom at all times to 

supervise students, even at senior secondary grades. Teachers keep a close eye on 

students and teach them they cannot get away with rule breaking. Teachers may strive 

to give students the impression that they "have eyes on the back of their head."


* Quiet and order. In a Fellowship school, the highest praise someone can give a 

teacher is to say their classroom is "so quiet you can hear a pin drop." Quiet classrooms 

indicate the teachers have excellent control of their students and the students are 

focused on their work. Disorderly behavior is discouraged everywhere on school 

grounds. Classrooms look neat and organized. Students sit at the same desk each day 

and may be seated in alphabetical order or otherwise assigned a seat by the teacher. 

* Focus. A Fellowship school trains students to stay engaged with the tasks 

assigned to them, and to put aside their impulses to do other things. To reduce the risk 

of following impulses, students are kept busy. If they finish their work earlier than 

expected, the teacher will give them given extra work rather than free time. 

* Repetitive skill practice. Spending time practising skills is more important than 

the actual level of proficiency a child attains. Teachers understand that some children 

will master skills faster and better than others, depending on their natural talent. What 

matters is that students stay on task as much as possible and do their best. 

* Homework. Assigning nightly homework keeps students so busy with 

schoolwork they have little free time in which to follow their own impulses. Unstructured 

play time is considered frivolous or even dangerous. (Who knows what children will get 

up to if left to their own devices?) 

* Rote Learning. Classes emphasize the memorization and regurgitation of 

information. Students may be asked to memorize multiplication tables, the spelling of 

words, historical dates and speeches, morally uplifting poetry, the classification of 

biological species, or other information by heart. Memorization keeps children's minds 

occupied with good or valuable thoughts and draws their attention away from bad 

thoughts and impulses. Copying information word for word from a textbook, board, or as 

dictated by the teacher serves a similar purpose. Teachers instruct students to have the


correct opinions and interpretations of facts, while discouraging them from espousing 

deviant opinions. 

* Curriculum is set by the school or higher authority. In Fellowship schools, 

students must learn what the school believes they should learn, when they should learn 

it, and all students receive the same lessons. Students cannot opt to study a different 

subject or topic than the one assigned. A student cannot study material above their 

grade level, even if they are capable of doing so. Failing to obtain a passing grade can 

result in a student being held back a year. Being held back is a severe punishment 

which can create instability on the Provision level of a child’s psyche by separating her 

from her friends and on the Structured Family level by taking her out of her established 

role and putting her into one of lower status. 

* Textbooks. Standard textbooks for each subject are common. All students read 

and study the same approved books and progress through them at the same pace. 

* Fear of teachers and administrators. Fellowship schools follow an authoritarian 

model for relationships between students and staff, which uses punishment to make 

students afraid to break the rules, disobey, or disrespect authority. Teachers are strict 

and avoid being overly friendly or familiar with students. 

John Patrick Shanley's screenplay for the film Doubt includes a scene that 

illustrates how the fear of rule-breaking is a valuable component of Fellowship schools. 

The story takes place in a Catholic school in the Bronx in 1964, a typical Fellowship 

environment, where the principal, Sister Aloysius, suspects a priest of sexually abusing 

one of the children. In the scene, a young, naive teacher, Sister James, is concerned 

that Sister Aloysius may be jumping to the wrong conclusion: 

SISTER JAMES: You just don't like him! You don't like it that he uses a ballpoint 

pen. You don't like it that he takes three lumps of sugar in his tea. You don't like it


that he likes FROSTY THE SNOWMAN. And you're letting that convince you of 

something terrible, just terrible! Well, I like FROSTY THE SNOWMAN! I think it 

would be nice if this school weren't run like a jail! And I think it's a good thing I 

love to teach History and that I might inspire my students to love it, too! And if 

you judge that to mean that I'm not fit to be a teacher, then so be it! 

SISTER ALOYSIUS: Sit down... You honestly find the students in his school to 

be treated like inmates in a prison? 

SISTER JAMES: No. Actually, they all seem fairly happy. But they're all uniformly 

terrified of you! 

SISTER ALOYSIUS: Yes. That's how it works. 

Though Sister Aloysius' suspicions about the priest cannot be proven, his later 

behavior suggests they are well founded. He is likely guilty of child molestation. Being a 

strict enforcer of rules and distrustful of idiosyncrasies not only helps Sister Aloysius 

protect the students from the priest, but it also makes the school a happier environment. 

In a Fellowship school, everyone needs to be afraid of nonconformity, students and staff 

alike. Of course, the same degree of strictness is not required in higher level 

environments, such as Individuality Schools. 

Individuality Schools 

In countries or communities where the dominant level is Individuality, schools 

tend to operate on an Individuality level as well. While Individuality schools share many 

of the characteristics of Fellowship schools, such as order and rules, there are important 

differences. Regardless of their stated educational philosophy or aims, Individuality 

schools feature two main traits: 

1. Tolerance.


Individuality schools cater to a more diverse group of students. Boys and girls 

attend classes together, and the students usually represent a variety of religions, 

cultures, economic classes, and ethnicities. Exposure to different opinions and cultures 

is considered to have educational value as it develops children's ability to empathize 

and cooperate with a wider range of people. 

2. Allowance for differences. 

A key trait of an Individuality level environment is that children are regarded not 

as formless clay to be molded but as individuals with differing innate abilities who may 

need to take different paths to achieve success. The allowance for differences affects 

the curriculum in several ways: 

* Choice. Children have more choices in an Individuality school. They may be 

allowed to choose where to sit in a classroom rather than be assigned a seat. Rather 

than wear uniforms, they may be asked to follow a dress code that allows for a degree 

of self-expression. They may be allowed to choose from several topics for an essay or 

project, rather than having the teacher choose for them. They may be given options 

regarding how to demonstrate their understanding or mastery of a topic. 

* Goal-based learning. Individuality schools try to avoid rote learning and 

memorization. Instead, they may set learning outcomes (skills to be mastered, 

understanding to be gained, or standards to be met). Teachers may use a variety of 

teaching and evaluation methods to assess whether students achieve the outcomes. 

Lessons and assignments may be modified to accommodate students with different 

learning styles and capabilities. In older grades, students may be allowed to develop 

their own approaches to studying. 

* Less reliance on textbooks. Standard textbooks may be used in certain subjects 

and at lower grade levels, but in most classes students are asked to consult and


compare a variety of sources and to develop their own opinions. 

* Project-based learning. Rather than repetitive skill practice, students may be 

encouraged to develop skills by applying them in the completion of projects. Students 

may be allowed to work independently on projects or in small groups. Often homework 

will consist of completing an independent study or group project. To some extent, 

students may teach themselves or each other. 

A well-known example of Individuality level teaching is a science fair. In this 

exercise, the teacher sets the broad subject (science) and the standards the projects 

must meet. Students (or sometimes small groups of students) choose their own specific 

topic. They research, design, and complete their project independently, and then 

present the results. Students may be graded by the quality of their project's design and 

execution, their presentation skills, and their grasp of the subject matter. 

* Testing. Measuring outcomes is more important in Individuality schools than in 

Fellowship schools. Tests allow teachers to determine how well students are learning, 

while giving students more control over their time and more freedom to pursue 

individual study methods. It also frees teachers from the need to closely supervise 

students. 

For instance, imagine an instrumental music class where the students must 

master a certain skill or piece of music each week. Every Friday they must pass a test 

to prove they met that week's requirement. On other days, the teacher would be 

available to help students prepare for the test, but students would be allowed to leave 

the classroom and practise their instruments anywhere on the school grounds where 

they wouldn't disturb others. In this arrangement, the weekly tests let the teacher keep 

track of how well the students are learning without closely monitoring them. Students 

who fall behind can be given help in the classroom until they improve. Meanwhile, other


students can enjoy the freedom to practise where and how they like. 

* Critical thinking and problem solving. Rather than be given information to 

memorize, students in Individuality schools are encouraged to ask questions, think 

through problems and derive conclusions on their own. At higher grades, essays and 

essay-type questions on tests challenge students to reflect on a topic and derive their 

own opinion based on evidence, rather than regurgitate information given to them. At all 

grade levels, teachers encourage children to understand information rather than simply 

memorize it. 

* Engagement with other students. In Individuality schools, teachers may make 

greater use of class discussions (perhaps using the Socratic method) and small group 

discussions to encourage students to think about the subjects they are learning and 

respect the opinions of others. Teachers may foster warmer relationships with and 

among students to encourage them to participate in discussions. An effective lesson is 

one in which the students are interested and actively engaged with the subject matter. A 

lesson in which many students remain quiet or seem disengaged is considered less 

successful. Classes therefore tend to be noisier than in Fellowship schools. 

Inclusion Schools 

Just as stable Inclusion level communities have yet to be created, no stable 

Inclusion level school system exists yet. Some efforts have been made over the past 

century or so to create "alternative" or "experimental" schools that, to varying degrees, 

feature some of the traits we would expect to see in an Inclusion school. Be aware, 

however, that not all alternative schools are Inclusion schools. Some are Fellowship 

schools; others are Individuality schools. You need to learn about the priorities and 

practices of a school to tell what level it operates on.


Two key traits separate Inclusion schools from others: 

1. Child-centered education. 

Inclusion schools are less concerned with making children fit into a mold or 

steering them toward particular goals or outcomes. Both these approaches, found at the 

Fellowship and Individuality levels respectively, aim to make the child meet 

requirements set by adults (including parents, teachers, the school system, and 

society). At the Inclusion level, this dynamic is reversed. The school's purpose is instead 

to serve the needs and interests of the child. 

At the Inclusion level, children are believed to have the innate ability to figure out 

their own interests, set goals, and hone their own talents. An Inclusion school gives 

children opportunities to discover their own interests and then offers them the lessons 

and resources they need to pursue those interests. 

2. Inclusivity. 

Like Individuality schools, Inclusion schools are open to students of all 

backgrounds, abilities, etc. Most will make a special effort to include and accommodate 

children with special needs. However, Inclusive schools also practise a different form of 

inclusivity. 

We have noted that Fellowship schools train children to ignore their impulses and 

follow the rules. This is because impulses are considered dangerous at the Fellowship 

level, something that must be excluded. At the Individuality level, one's impulses are not 

necessarily dangerous, but they may be improper, impolite, or inappropriate. They 

detract from the image of respectability one must put forward in public. Individuality 

schools therefore train students to exclude their impulses from the public sphere and 

confine them to private spaces. 

In an Inclusion school, children have much more freedom to express themselves


and follow their impulses. Educators believe children's self-expression should be 

included in the public or social sphere. An Inclusion school gives students opportunities 

to share their opinions, feelings, and perspectives freely. They can do what they want to 

a much greater extent than in other schools. Of course, this freedom of expression still 

takes place within a framework of rules and tolerance inherited from Fellowship and 

Individuality schooling. However, the rules are more flexible and complex. One 

important restriction on behavior in an Inclusion school is that no one can make others 

feel unsafe or unable to express and follow their impulses. Naturally, determining the 

boundaries of acceptable behavior takes a lot of negotiation and empathy, so an 

Inclusive school must provide regular opportunities and mechanisms for this to take 

place. 

A few specific traits are common among Inclusion schools. Bear in mind that not 

every Inclusion school will feature all these traits: 

* A holistic view of childhood. Inclusion schools believe that a healthy childhood 

requires a balance between lessons, family life, exploration of the natural world, private 

time, and play. Inclusion schools value children's natural desire to play, regarding it as 

essential to their physical, social, and psychological development. Some Inclusion 

schools use play-based learning as a teaching method. Others allow children more time 

for free play outside of class. 

* Non-authoritarian. Some Inclusion schools focus on creating a school 

community based on equality between children and adults. They may allow children to 

influence how the school is run in an informal way. Or they may allow students to vote 

democratically on matters that in other schools would be up to the teacher or the 

administration. Teachers and staff in Inclusion schools may be respected for their 

knowledge and skills but are not given the elevated status they would have in a


Fellowship or Individuality school. 

* Community Circles/Meetings. Inclusion schools may have regular meetings 

where a class or perhaps the entire school community sits down together as equals and 

speaks about what is on their minds. Everyone is invited to share their perspective 

frankly and honestly. Everyone is encouraged to be seen and heard without fear of 

negative judgment or backlash. Sometimes these sessions are used to resolve conflicts 

or problems. Sometimes they are opportunities to process the group's experience of 

lessons, activities, or events. Sometimes they are used to find out how everyone is 

feeling in general or about specific issues. And sometimes they are used to make 

decisions about school policy. The meetings may be led or facilitated by students or 

adults in a non-authoritarian way. 

* Flexible environments. Inclusion schools seldom have students sitting at rows 

of desks. Instead, seating may be quite flexible and varied depending on the activity. 

Some spaces may be designated for groupwork and others for independent study or 

teacher-led lessons. Some spaces may be quiet zones while others are intended for 

noisy interaction. There may be a greater variety of furniture, including straight-backed 

chairs, desks and tables, upholstered chairs, sofas, throw pillows, mats, and open 

spaces. Sometimes children will be invited to create their own spaces. The classroom 

layout may change many times throughout the school year. However, while classrooms 

may appear chaotic, a great deal of thought and planning goes into their design. 

* Emphasis on the arts. In Inclusion schools, the arts are believed to benefit 

children's physical, social, and intellectual development, much in the way play does. Art 

may be incorporated into the curriculum as a way for children to broaden their 

understanding or demonstrate their mastery of academic subjects. It may also be used 

as a vehicle for self-expression and self-exploration, to nurture creativity, or for


enjoyment. 

* Self-paced learning. Some Inclusion schools reject the rigid schedules and agebased 

grades found in other school systems, preferring to let students work on subjects 

that interest them for as long as they are interested. Some Inclusion schools make 

formal lessons optional, with many students teaching themselves or learning from other 

students. Others feature longer class times, so children can explore a topic fully in one 

lesson, rather that interrupt the experience by spreading it over several lessons. In 

some Inclusion schools, students don't have to progress through subjects at the same 

pace as others in their age group. If a student gets enthusiastic about one subject 

(which sometimes happens) and wants to study it exclusively, perhaps completing two 

or three grade levels of that subject in one year, they can. If it means the student falls 

behind in other subjects, that's fine. They can catch up on those subjects another year, 

if they choose. 

* Non-traditional evaluation. Methods of evaluating student progress vary a lot 

among Inclusion schools, with many believing that formal tests are of little or even 

negative value. Some Inclusion schools reside in areas where students must pass 

government-mandated exams to receive a diploma and qualify for employment or 

college. Where such requirements don't exist, Inclusion schools may rely on alternative 

forms of evaluation, such as self-evaluation, informal teacher evaluation, peer 

evaluation, evaluation by outside experts, or no evaluation at all. 

Among the various efforts to create Inclusion schools, the two best known 

models were developed in the early twentieth century and are still in use today. Neither 

of them is a perfect example of what education should be at the Inclusion level, as that 

may be yet to be developed. They have nonetheless blazed a trail in that direction. They 

are:


1. Montessori schools. Developed by Maria Montessori in the early twentieth 

century, Montessori schools pioneered the use of play-based learning. Montessori 

classrooms are designed to encourage children to learn by freely exploring activities, 

materials, and an environment appropriate for their age level. Though the Montessori 

system was designed for all ages of children, including high school, most Montessori 

schools today cater only to younger children, from pre-school to primary age. This may 

be because most parents, themselves graduates of more conventional schools, have 

some anxiety about the effectiveness of play-based learning in higher grades and 

choose to send their children to more conventional schools as they get older. 

2. Democratic schools. Probably the most famous Democratic school is 

Summerhill School in the UK. Summerhill is a boarding school founded by Alexander 

Neill in 1921 and still in operation. Neill's philosophy of education prioritizes serving the 

natural needs and inclinations of children, rather than making children conform to the 

desires of adults. The school has demonstrated over its history that children's natural 

inclinations include the desire to learn about the world and master skills that will help 

them become happy, well-rounded, and productive adults. 

Neill did not pioneer new teaching methods. Rather his innovations pertain to the 

structure and governance of the school environment. Probably the most controversial 

aspect of Summerhill is that students are not required to attend classes and only do so 

if and when they want to learn. (Most students at Summerhill choose to attend regular 

lessons out of interest.) Summerhill offers formal classes in a variety of subjects, usually 

in the mornings, leaving much of the afternoons for free play. Often students teach 

themselves subjects that interest them. Otherwise, students are free to do what they 

like, provided they do not trespass on the rights of others. 

While Summerhill lacks many of the rules common in Fellowship schools, it is


very much a rules-based environment. The difference is that the rules at Summerhill are 

not imposed by teachers or administrators but voted into effect democratically by the 

entire school community. Summerhill has regular meetings attended by all students and 

teachers. At these meetings, rules are proposed, amended, or rescinded, and 

infractions of rules or other problems in the school are dealt with. Decisions at the 

meetings are made by vote, and the vote of the youngest student counts the same as 

that of a teacher or the principal. Usually, the meetings are chaired by an older student. 

In the US, the best-known Democratic school is the Sudbury Valley School, 

founded in 1968 and influenced strongly by Summerhill. Throughout the world, some 60 

schools are based on the Sudbury model. Sudbury schools have a democratic system 

similar to Summerhill’s but offer fewer formal lessons. Sometimes lessons or 

apprenticeships are made available only on request. For the most part, students teach 

themselves or learn from their peers. 

While Inclusion schools may sound anarchic, especially from a Fellowship 

perspective, they are built on a foundation that includes the gifts of the levels below 

them. At Summerhill, students certainly survive and have their needs provided for. 

Adults occupy formal roles, such as teacher, house parent, or cook, and older students 

may take on responsible roles such as Ombudsman, Chair of a meeting, or various ruleenforcement 

positions. Many incidents have been documented where the students put 

the long-term interests of the school ahead of their own immediate desires, much like 

people do in a Structured Family. We noted that Summerhill has many rules that create 

order and safety. And students are granted the gifts of Individuality, including the right to 

privacy and to pursue their own interests. The difference is that Inclusion schools give 

children more freedom and encouragement to express themselves openly. They provide 

a structure so children can have their individual needs, desires, and ideas incorporated


into the community environment. 

We should note that some teachers in public education use Inclusion-based 

teaching methods in their classrooms and some school boards have endorsed them in 

certain programs and contexts. The Ministry of Education in Ontario, Canada, for 

example supports play-based learning in kindergarten and primary grades. However, 

the use of Inclusion methods in classrooms is inconsistent and depends a great deal on 

teacher training and the culture of the community. 

One of the world's top-rated school systems is that of Finland, where 93% of 

students earn a high school diploma and 66% go on to post-secondary education. 

Finland's school system incorporates several Inclusion approaches. Students in Finland 

do not start school until age seven, after which they experience shorter school days with 

plenty of breaks and low amounts of homework. The school year consists of 190 days 

of instruction, fewer than in many other countries. The reduced time spent on 

schoolwork gives children more time for play and family life. Evaluation is largely 

informal, with no standardized tests. Teaching methods are quite varied, with the aim of 

helping each child discover the approach to learning that works best for her. All students 

are assumed to have some special needs and are given individualized support. 

Classroom design is quite flexible, with some newer schools moving away from the 

traditional layout of classrooms and corridors toward highly flexible, open spaces. 

Classes are inclusive, with no separation of students by ability or other criteria. One of 

the key purposes of education in Finland is to reduce inequality in society. 

If you want your children to have more of an Inclusion level education, you may 

need to do some investigation to see what opportunities may be available in your area. 

However, we should note that Inclusion schooling is difficult to find in many areas. 

If you cannot find an Inclusion school for your children, another way to have them


experience an Inclusion environment is to send them to a summer camp that operates 

on this level. Again, you will need to do some research, but many arts, environmental, 

and experiential-based camps incorporate Inclusion approaches. 

School as a Source of Stability 

For some children, changing schools can be challenging because it severs the 

relationships they have built with friends and teachers, creating instability on the 

Provision level. Children who have already experienced Provision level instability, 

perhaps due to the loss of a parent through separation or death, may find it especially 

upsetting to change schools. Of course, sometimes changing schools cannot be 

avoided, such as when parents need to relocate the family for reasons of employment. 

Some careers, such as the military, require frequent relocation. Where possible, parents 

should try to mitigate any upset associated with moving. For instance, children can be 

encouraged to maintain relationships with friends in their former school through social 

media. 

Some parents may attempt to spare their children the emotional upset of 

changing schools by sending them to a boarding school, particularly if the parents know 

they will be moving several times while the children are young. In such cases, a 

boarding school environment could provide more stability than the family home. 

However, boarding school is not an ideal solution since it separates children from their 

parents for long periods, which can also create instability on the Provision level. 

If you grew up in an unstable Provision home and you want to create more 

stability for your own children, another option to consider would be sending your child to 

a Waldorf or Steiner school. The Waldorf system of education was founded in Europe 

by Rudolf Steiner in 1919 and has spread to other parts of the world. It bears some


similarities to Inclusion schools, particularly in its emphasis on arts education. One 

highlight of this system is that it tries to provide children with the same teacher every 

year, from the first grade until they graduate high school. Not all Waldorf schools have 

succeeded in following this practice, since it requires a strong, long-term commitment 

from both families and teachers. However, when a child has the same teacher for many 

years, the teacher becomes a fixed presence in the child's life that can mitigate some of 

the instability they may have at home. At the same time, teachers come to know their 

students very well and can learn to address their needs better. 

We should note that Finland's education system takes a similar approach in that 

it tries to provide students with the same teacher each year for the first six years of 

school. Of course, this only benefits families living in Finland.


Chapter 13: A Note on Unstable Schools 

Our understanding of the levels and their gifts gives parents a new way to 

evaluate schools. Parents and governments generally judge school quality by criteria 

such as how well the students perform on standardized tests, what percentage of 

students proceed to post-secondary education, or even their lifetime earnings. Some 

parents also look at criteria such as how happy their children are in their school, how 

much support is offered for their children's special needs, what subjects are taught, or 

how appealing they find the school's educational philosophy. 

We suggest a better way to evaluate a school is to ask: 

1. What level is the school operating at? 

2. How stable is the school's environment? 

3. How well does the school deliver the gifts of lower levels? 

The first two questions are important because a school cannot deliver any gifts 

above its level. Also, the definition of a stable school environment will be different 

depending on its level. 

A Fellowship school can be considered stable if it is orderly--if standardized 

lessons are being delivered according to a set plan, if most students conform to the 

rules, and if students stay on task most of the time. Signs of an unstable Fellowship


school would include things like: 

* The lack of an organized, standard curriculum. 

* Failure of classes to adhere to a fixed schedule. 

* Poor supervision of students. 

* Students off-task for much of class time. 

* Rampant rule breaking. 

* Favoritism towards certain students or groups. 

For an Individuality school to be stable, there should be a high level of tolerance 

and accommodation for individual differences, and strong extracurricular programming 

where students of different backgrounds can cooperate and form friendships. Students 

must generally meet expectations (e.g., do well on exams) regardless of individual 

differences. Signs of an unstable Individuality school might include: 

* Little interaction among students of different sexes, ethnic groups, economic 

classes, or abilities (which may be due to segregation of schools or classes, 

hostility among groups, or a lack of extra-curricular activities). 

* Unclear expectations for students. 

* Students lacking choices in terms of electives, assignments, or projects. 

* Failure of teachers to modify lessons to accommodate students' individual 

needs. 

* Lessons or facilities inaccessible to children with special needs. 

* Low student engagement in lessons. 

* Intolerance of diverse opinions. 

* Many students feeling they do not fit in. 

* Archaic or rigid rules that disrespect individuality. 

In a stable Inclusion school, child-centered learning would be the basis of all


lessons. An Inclusion school would also encourage students to express their individual 

perspectives and strive to make school policy reflect those perspectives. Some signs of 

an unstable Inclusive school would be: 

* Rules and educational goals being set exclusively by adults. 

* Adult staff members dominating or manipulating community meetings to get the 

outcomes they want while excluding student voices and opinions. 

* No encouragement of students to pursue their own interests. 

* Little opportunity for student self-expression. 

* Students not engaged in activities they find interesting or meaningful. 

* Students feeling like they have no voice or ability to have their concerns 

addressed. 

No matter how well intentioned, a school cannot achieve stability and deliver the 

gifts of its level unless it is built upon the gift of the level below it. A Fellowship school 

cannot persuade children to follow the rules unless respect for authority (a feature of 

Structured Families) is well established. An Individuality school cannot adjust or soften 

the rules to tolerate individual differences if there is no respect for rules. An Inclusion 

school cannot give students the freedom to express themselves without an established 

respect for individual differences. 

Challenges of Newer Schools 

For anyone involved with starting a school or considering sending their children 

to a newly opened school, awareness of the levels has important implications. Each 

level has its own methods of creating a stable environment and different ideas of what a 

good environment would look like. If you are part of a group attempting to create an 

Inclusion school, and your initial class of students come from Inclusion level homes, the


establishment of the school environment will be much easier. On the other hand, if most 

students come from Individuality or Fellowship homes, staff will have to make much 

more effort in the beginning to establish a culture of Inclusion. Even if the staff are well 

trained and comfortable with an Inclusion environment, they will be outnumbered by the 

students. The process of creating an Inclusion environment may take weeks or even 

months of consistent effort. As problems arise, the danger is that the staff may find 

themselves adjusting to the students and inadvertently replicating the level of the 

students' home environment. Motivating the students to adjust to the environment the 

staff are trying to create requires more effort and patience. Similar considerations must 

be made if one is establishing an Individuality school to serve a community that is at the 

Fellowship level. 

A similar phenomenon happens with children's camps or after-school programs 

that try to give children an experience of an Inclusion environment. A lot of time must be 

spent at the beginning to establish the environment--maybe as much as half the time 

allotted for the program. After this groundwork has been laid (and assuming it is laid 

successfully), the rate at which children receive the benefits of the program accelerates 

rapidly. Everyone involved, including parents, must be patient and give the process time 

to work. 

All this is to say that, if you are considering sending your child to a higher-level 

school or other program, the longer it has been in operation, the more established the 

environment will be and the easier it will be for the school to take in new students who 

have not yet been acclimatized. 

School Trauma 

A more challenging situation would be a school where the gifts of the lower three


levels have been undermined or weakened by trauma. For our purposes, a "trauma" is 

an upsetting experience two or more levels below what you have been raised to see as 

"normal." For instance, a student raised at the Structured Family level or higher who 

fears for her physical safety while at school is experiencing a Survival level trauma. 

Between 2009 and 2019 there were 528 school shootings in the US. Obviously, 

these crimes were traumatic incidents for the students and staff who survived them. But 

their effect is much broader. Children in other schools around the world may be 

traumatized from hearing vivid accounts of school shootings in the news or participating 

in "active shooter" or "code red" drills to the extent that they become afraid a shooting 

could happen in their own school. 

A child being abducted from school would be a Provision level trauma since it 

involves taking a child away from her caregivers. Such a threat is traumatic both for the 

child who is abducted and for other children in the school who are made to feel unsafe 

as a result. News reports of abductions and "lock-down" drills intended to prepare for 

such events may create a similar environment of fear. 

Our purpose here is not to prescribe crime prevention policies, but to emphasize 

the need to make children feel safe in school. An atmosphere of fear will undermine the 

gifts the school would otherwise deliver. Traumatic experiences like shootings and 

abductions involve threats children are incapable of solving. A child who comes to 

believe that someone could enter her school and start shooting her friends, a situation 

which she would want to stop or prevent but probably can't, can be overwhelmed by a 

feeling of powerlessness--whether the threat is real or imagined. The situation can be 

as bad or worse for schools where a threat of abuse comes from staff. Procedures and 

rules that keep children safe at school are important, but safety drills should be done in 

a way that makes children feel confident the adults will keep them safe, not in a way


that scares them. Children should have minimal exposure to scary news stories. 

Parents and teachers should discuss the news with children in ways that make children 

feel confident that they are protected.


Chapter 14: Religion as an Ally 

Next to home and school, religion offers another major social environment that 

can have a strong influence on children. If you choose to raise your children as 

members of a religious congregation, your choice of congregation matters a great deal. 

Your child's religious environment can help or hinder your efforts to give her the gifts of 

her home environment. It will help shape your child's understanding of the world and 

what is "normal." 

Non-participation in religion or participation in secular alternatives to religion are 

also options. Some Humanist, atheist, or non-religious organizations provide families 

with some of the benefits that come from belonging to a religious community, without 

the theology. But assuming you want religion to be part of your child's life, you will want 

to participate in a religious community that is appropriate for your family. As with 

schools, the guideline is that you want your children exposed to a religious community 

where the environment is at a level equal to or higher than their home, so it will support 

the gifts you are trying to bestow and prepare them to cope in a higher-level 

environment. The difference between school and religion is that the entire family 

participates in religion--parents and children alike. You should belong to a group that 

offers everyone the support they need. 

While many people feel attachment to the religious community they were raised


in, especially if their extended family are still members, that's not always an option. You 

may no longer live in the community where you grew up, or you may have reasons for 

wanting a different group. Fortunately, most areas are home to a variety of religious 

congregations open to new members. When choosing a congregation for your family, 

you may want to take a little time to learn about the different groups in your area to find 

a good fit. 

Please note that we are not here to say which religions may be "better" or 

"worse" or whose beliefs are "right" or "wrong." Our concern here is with helping you 

expose your children to a good environment that supports your goals as a parent. All 

major religions have denominations and sects that operate on different levels. Even 

within a particular sect, there can be variation among individual congregations. And 

when you step outside the major religions, the variety of religious or "spiritual" groups is 

even greater, including both traditional and newly emerging groups. If you already 

subscribe to a particular religion, or know which religion you are drawn to, you still must 

find a congregation at the right level for your family. If you have no religion at present, 

you have the additional task of finding one you feel inspired to commit to. 

You should also be aware that the best religious group for your family may not be 

the one operating at the highest level. The right group is the one that gives your family 

the support it needs. If you were raised at the platform or construction stage of any 

level, your priority will be to give your children a more stable version of that level. 

Exposure to higher levels can be beneficial, but it should not be your main concern. 

Until your family achieves stability on your current level, you cannot realistically shift to a 

higher level. With that in mind, let's start by considering some of the types of support 

religions typically offer families. 

All organized religions operate at the Structured Family level or higher. Below


that level, institutions and long-lasting groups do not tend to form. People may have 

superstitions, mythologies, and traditions. They may have beliefs about gods, 

spirituality, or the supernatural, but no organized religions. Only at the Structured Family 

level do people conceive of institutions that will persist over multiple generations or 

whose origin dates to the dawn of time. 

Even if your home environment operates at the Provision or stable Survival level, 

you will get a lot of support from participating in a religious community. All good religions 

strive to create communities that are safe for children. (Never be part of a group that 

doesn't.) Many religious groups will operate charities or other programs to help parents 

provide for their children, especially in communities where government income supports 

are inadequate. They will also encourage and support parents in maintaining lifelong 

commitments to their spouses and their children. 

Some religious groups create stability on the Survival and Provision levels 

through various forms of communal living. For instance, they may run an orphanage 

where parents who feel unable to protect or provide for their children may place them 

into the care of adults who can. Separating a child from its parents may create instability 

on the Provision level of the child's psyche, but for some children it is the best option 

and offers an alternative to state-run foster care. Some unmarried adults may seek the 

Provision level stability that comes from living and working full-time within a communal 

religious group (for instance, as a monk or nun). Some religious groups invite whole 

families to live and work communally. Parents who are struggling may find communal 

living benefits the family by keeping them together and providing a roof over their head 

and food on the table. Bear in mind with all these options, you should be committed to 

the religion and its beliefs. Communal living should not be entered into lightly, as it can 

require giving up many freedoms and opportunities.


Structured Family Religions 

Religions at the Structured Family level often begin as personality cults. They are 

based upon a living person (a prophet, guru, avatar, saint, spiritual master, pastor, or 

teacher) who is possessed of divine wisdom or other superior qualities. The 

congregation consists of people who are inspired by the founder's actions or personality 

and want to follow in their footsteps, much in the way a child should emulate and 

respect the matriarch or patriarch of their family. 

In the early stage, these groups generally lack a formal priesthood and have no 

authority higher than the founder. If religious services are held, they likely consist of 

gatherings where the founder shares his or her wisdom. In some cases, there may be 

no formal teaching and the founder may simply lead by example. The advantage of 

belonging to such a group is that you have a living model of the wisdom and behavior 

you want to emulate in your own life. 

One downside to early-stage religions is that members are highly dependent on 

the founder, and founders do not stick around forever. Once the founder leaves or dies, 

the followers are cut off from the role model they have come to rely on. Usually, the 

group will try to record the founder's teachings. Before leaving, the founder may also 

appoint successors. However, it may be more challenging for people to live up to the 

example set by the founder once he or she is gone. 

In a Structured Family religion whose founder has departed, there may be a 

great emphasis on rituals that reenact things the founder did or taught in their life. 

These rituals may help people feel closer to the founder and provide a way to 

understand the example they are to follow. Stories of the founder's life may be 

recounted so people can continue to learn to emulate them. Most likely clergy will have


the task of studying the stories and teachings of the founder and explaining or 

interpreting them to the congregation. Clergy should also strive to set an example of 

good behavior, much as the founder did. 

If your upbringing was in a Structured Family environment, you can expect most 

religions will offer guidance on how to build a stronger family and thus stabilize a 

Structured Family home. They may offer men advice on how to fulfill their roles as 

husbands and fathers. They may offer women advice on how to fulfill their roles as 

wives and mothers. They may teach children the importance of respecting their parents 

and elders, and teach parents the importance of cherishing their children. While some 

traditional religions may speak about family roles in ways that may seem outdated, a 

good pastor will help you understand how the teachings apply to the realities families 

face in today's world. 

If you are the head of a household at the Structured Family level, you should 

insist your family attend religious services where they can hear the stories about the 

founder's life and the lessons she taught about how to live and interact with others. 

Participating in the rituals will help everyone feel closer to the founder and remind them 

to follow the founder's example. 

When it comes to your leadership of your family, you should try to emulate the 

example set by the founder. We should note that the central figures of some traditional 

religions can be moody. If you are a follower of a Judeo-Christian religion, for example, 

you should try to be like Jehovah when he was in a good mood, when his followers 

could have no better ally. When you look to the founder or central figures of your 

religion for examples of how to treat your family, pay attention to times when they 

showed kindness and wisdom. Those are the examples you should try to follow. 

As you strive to emulate the best qualities of the founder, other members of your


family should support your efforts by paying you the respect you deserve. Everyone in 

the family should try to emulate the founder's wisdom and example in terms of family 

roles and relationships. You may want to consult with clergy to gain clarity on the 

teachings. By taking these steps, you can become a benevolent leader of your family. 

You can establish a degree of order and predictability in the home which will give your 

children an understanding of their place and a sense of security. 

Of course, not all religious groups at the Structured Family level are equally 

good. A lot depends on those in charge. You want to be part of a group where the 

leaders are morally strong as well as wise. They must strive to meet the standard set by 

the founder. If the leaders of the group are not capable of this, you may need to look for 

a different group. 

Fellowship Religions 

The big difference between Fellowship Religions and Structured Family religions 

is that Fellowship religions are governed by rules rather than personalities. The founder 

of the religion will be revered for having taught the rules, and people will respect 

authorities in a Fellowship religion. However, the way to be a good member of the 

religion is to follow the rules. The job of clergy is to motivate everyone to follow the 

rules. In this regard, Fellowship groups work like a Fellowship household, where parents 

establish a set of rules, but children and parents alike are obliged to follow the rules. 

A good Fellowship will regard clergy and lay members as equally subservient to 

the rules. The clergy are respected for their knowledge and leadership, but everyone 

understands that clergy can be as prone to error and human weakness as anyone else. 

If clergy break the rules, they are held to account just any other member would be. 

Some Fellowship groups reject the idea of having clergy altogether, because they don't


believe any member of the religion should have special status. Rather than have 

professional clergy lead services, these groups may let adult members take turns 

leading. Other groups may have no one lead services, preferring to give every member 

the right to contribute to a service as they are moved to do so. 

Fellowship Religions are good choices for parents attempting to raise their 

children at a more stable stage of the Fellowship level. A Fellowship religious group will 

help you embrace a set of rules for life. Parents should apply these rules within their 

households to the best of their ability, creating an orderly, predictable environment 

where children understand the rules and the consequences of breaking them, and can 

trust their parents to follow the rules as well. The result is a safe community where 

everyone’s behavior is predictable. This makes it easier to trust and cooperate with 

others. 

If you have emigrated to a new country, joining a Fellowship religious group can 

be a good way to learn the rules of the society you are now a part of. Often religious 

groups have programs designed to help newcomers acclimatize. They can help you 

make friends and contacts within the community. 

In addition to teaching the rules, Fellowship religions will help members abstain 

from giving in to bad impulses. For adults, they may offer daily services, support groups, 

charitable work, classes, or social activities you can participate in. For children, there 

may be clubs, religious schools, or summer camps. When your family members spend 

their spare time participating in good activities, they will have fewer opportunities to give 

in to bad impulses. 

Most Fellowship religions encourage members to focus their minds on positive 

thoughts through practices such as prayer, reading religious literature, listening to 

religious music or videos, positive thinking, affirmations, or chanting. Some groups also


teach meditation, thought-stopping, or mindfulness as ways to resist bad impulses. 

Every group has its own practices, but their purpose is always the same: to help 

members refrain from giving in to bad impulses so they can make a better life and 

create a safe, predictable environment for children to grow up in. 

Fellowships have little tolerance for rule-breaking, deviant ideas, or nonconformity, 

as these are considered ways of giving in to bad impulses. Fortunately, 

Fellowship groups acknowledge that human beings are prone to failure. They have 

mechanisms whereby members who have erred can seek forgiveness and redemption. 

Most major religions have sects or branches that operate at the Fellowship level. 

One word that is often used to describe these groups is "fundamentalist." 

Fundamentalism is usually defined as a form of religious thinking that emphasizes strict 

adherence to a set of rules and beliefs. A fundamentalist group will favor a literal 

interpretation of scripture, with no allowance for individual interpretation. This strictness 

helps keep the beliefs and practices pure over time--that is, unchanged by human 

weakness or error. 

You fill find that within one religion there may be many fundamentalist sects with 

different beliefs, rules, and practices. Anabaptist groups have different rules than 

Southern Baptist groups, even though they are both Christian. On the other hand, within 

a given sect, most groups or congregations will be quite similar, almost like franchises. 

Of course, not all groups that claim to be fundamentalist are operating at a stable 

Fellowship level. You can tell how stable a Fellowship group is by the level of hypocrisy. 

The greater the hypocrisy, the lower the stability. Look for signs that the rules are not 

being applied equally to everyone, that certain people are given exemptions from the 

rules or have a different, more advantageous set of rules applied to them. 

For example, the notion that wealthier or more powerful people are "better" in the


eyes of God and therefore deserve privileges is a concept that belongs to the Structured 

Family level where there is a hierarchy and the strong rule the weak. In a stable 

Fellowship religion, everyone is equal in the eyes of God. Everyone is equally fallible, 

regardless of wealth, power, or rank. If a religious group teaches that everyone is equal, 

but then gives special status or privilege to certain people--for instance, if it claims that 

wealthier people are more spiritual or that wealth is a reward for faith and therefore rich 

people must have greater faith--then the group is not a stable Fellowship. Nor can a 

group be called a stable Fellowship if it affords too much status or authority to a 

charismatic preacher. 

If a group has rules to ensure equality, but the group is breaking those rules, then 

it is an unstable or corrupt Fellowship. It may only be operating at the platform stage. If 

equality is not part of the group’s rules, or if the group believes in inequality, then the 

group is operating on the Structured Family level. Either way, such a group will teach 

children by example that the rules are unfair, and some people are above the rules--the 

opposite of the lesson you want children to learn at the Fellowship level. 

If you are attempting to raise your children at the Fellowship level, you should be 

part of a group that follows its own rules and treats everyone as equals, because that 

will set a better example. 

Individuality Religions 

Individuality level religious groups will revere their founders, like Structured 

Family groups, and they will follow a set of rules that apply to everyone, like Fellowship 

level groups. But an important change happens at the Individuality level. 

For an Individuality group, genuine faith requires more than adherence to a set of 

rules taught by someone else. Scripture and clergy can guide you, but individuals must


take their own journey to faith. Everyone must be guided by their own conscience and 

find their own understanding of the mysteries that religion tries to shine a light on. 

To put it another way, while Fellowship groups insist that all members have the 

same beliefs and the same interpretation of scripture, Individuality groups allow a 

degree of individual interpretation. They may encourage everyone to look at scripture 

critically and see it in the context of when it was written and the intent of its authors. 

Individuality groups will see parts of scripture as allegorical or metaphorical--and find 

deeper layers of meaning as a result. Individuality groups believe that true morality 

requires following one's own conscience, even if it goes against a literal interpretation of 

the rules. 

If your family belongs to an Individuality religious group, you may sometimes 

disagree with the doctrine or the clergy's interpretation of scripture. You may recognize 

situations in which following the rules literally may violate the spirit of the teachings. You 

may have doubts about aspects of scripture itself. That is acceptable. You can still be 

part of the community. Provided you attend services regularly, dress respectfully, be 

polite, participate in charitable projects, and attend social events--you are free to 

entertain doubts or your own personal ideas in private. You can follow the dictates of 

your own conscience and still be on good terms with your religion. 

When Eric was young, he attended church regularly with his mother. As with 

many Christian churches, part of the service included going up to the altar to receive the 

sacrament of Holy Communion. One Sunday, his mother didn't join the rest of the 

congregation for this part of the service. Afterward, Eric asked his mother why she 

made this choice, and she explained that "I didn't feel prepared in my mind." Her 

response illustrates the difference between Individuality and Fellowship religious 

practices. At the Fellowship level, you follow the rules and do what everyone else does.


Your personal thoughts and feelings must be set aside for the sake of conformity. At the 

Individuality level, your feelings matter. Your private, inner relationship with God may be 

more important than your external behavior. 

More importantly, as a parent you can let your children know privately about 

areas where you disagree with religious doctrine or the clergy. You want to set a good 

example to them of moral behavior--behavior based on kindness and compassion. And 

you want to teach your children respectable behavior. However, by pointing out that 

clergy are not perfect, you can impress on them the value of thinking for oneself. By 

letting them know that following one's own conscience can be more valuable than a 

literal interpretation of the rules, you can encourage your children to develop their own 

inner path to faith, while still meeting meet their external obligations. 

Religious groups at the Individuality level are a good choice for parents who are 

raising their children in an Individuality home. Children's religious education in such 

groups will involve much more self-reflection and critical discussion about matters of 

morality and faith. This helps children develop the ability to think for themselves, 

develop a stronger sense of self, and make a deeper commitment to moral behavior. 

Individuality groups are more tolerant of diversity than Fellowship groups. 

Members of an Individuality group may have diverse backgrounds, political views, or 

positions on social issues. Many issues can be considered a matter of personal 

conscience, unlike in a Fellowship group where there can only be one right opinion. 

Religious groups at the Individuality level can be found within all the world's 

major religions. They tend to be those that have a stronger respect for scholarship. 

Clergy in these groups are usually required to earn a college degree, in addition to 

completing a training program in pastoral work. They may be encouraged to get 

advanced training in theology or some other field that can be helpful in their vocation,


such as counseling, the social sciences, or the humanities. More education gives clergy 

the ability to think critically. It helps them be aware of different perspectives and 

approaches to theology and morality. Within certain religions, such as Christianity, an 

educated clergy often distinguishes Individuality from Fellowship sects, where lay or 

self-taught clergy are more common. Clergy with honorary degrees, for example, are 

more common in Fundamentalist groups. 

As with Fellowship groups, a religious congregation operating at the Individuality 

level will try to cater to families at all levels. This can lead to a degree of instability. For 

instance, if families operating at a lower level have a strong voice, the group may 

struggle to create an atmosphere where everyone's right to hold private opinions is 

respected. Sometimes a preacher or a group of lay people may be too intrusive in 

attempting to force their opinion on everyone in the group. Sometimes groups will care 

so much about the appearance of respectability that they become less tolerant of 

diversity. 

If you discover that your chosen group is intolerant of diverse opinions or less 

respectful of individual conscience, it may only be at the platform stage of the 

Individuality level--or it may be a Fellowship level group, despite its stated doctrine. In 

that case, you may wish to look for a different group that does a better job creating an 

Individuality level environment. 

Inclusion Religions 

As always, our discussion of the Inclusion level is hampered by the fact that it is 

still a work in progress. There have been many attempts to create more inclusive 

religious groups, and you may find such a group in your area if you shop around. 

However, they are rare. Inclusive religions are outside the "mainstream." We can


however point to some trailblazing efforts in this area. 

One such effort has been the attempt to break down the barriers separating the 

world's major religions and create an approach to faith that draws upon a variety of 

traditions, including both Eastern and Western. Unitarian Universalism and the Unity 

churches are examples of groups that take this approach. In areas where such groups 

do not exist, parents attempting to raise their children at the Inclusion level may expose 

them to a variety of religions and philosophies so they can develop respect for all 

traditions and find their own personal approach to faith. 

Other efforts have been made to break down the divide between science and 

religion. The Templeton Foundation, founded by the mutual fund manager, John 

Templeton, is one organization that funds research in this area. And many newer 

spiritual or religious groups incorporate ideas taken from science into their theology. 

If you are considering having your family join an Inclusion level religious or 

spiritual group, it should meet a few criteria. First, the group must include the gifts of 

lower levels. It must feature respect for religious founders and authorities. It must strive 

to create an orderly community based on moral and ethical rules that apply to everyone. 

And it must encourage self-reflection and freedom of conscience. 

Second, the group should be inclusive. It must actively encourage its members to 

share their perspectives and incorporate those perspectives into the group's culture and 

practices. When the group assembles, everyone should be invited to be seen and 

listened to. The group should be welcoming to people of all cultures, genders, classes, 

abilities, ethnicities, etc. It may draw inspiration from a wide range of scholarly 

endeavors such as science, philosophy, theology, and the social sciences. Agnostic and 

atheistic perspectives should not be excluded either. Everyone should feel free to 

express their individuality and their unique perspectives openly. Differences should be


celebrated. At the same time, incorporating knowledge from many disciplines may 

require appropriate filters to exclude disinformation, misinformation, and 

unsubstantiated theories. 

Third, the group will need to operate with a more inclusive sense of morality. 

While the moral imperative developed in Fellowship and Individuality groups will be 

retained, Inclusion groups will create an atmosphere where everyone feels safe to 

express their individuality without censure or negative judgment. Intolerance and 

intimidation cannot be allowed, and the group will focus more on serving each member 

in the way that is best for them rather than trying to make all members conform to a 

particular model of behavior.


Chapter 15: Other Community Organizations 

In many places religious groups function as cornerstones of community life and 

support families in developing and passing on the gifts of their level to the next 

generation, but they seldom work alone. In most communities, and certainly in the 

developed world, other institutions and groups offer programs for families and children 

that serve the same purpose. They include a wide range of charities, social movements, 

community service organizations, government programs, educational organizations, and 

clubs. Some are for-profit, some are non-profit, and some are subsidized by 

government. Although many of these groups were founded on a particular philosophy or 

set of values, they often don't require the families they serve to share the philosophy or 

even learn about it. This makes them a good option for families who are not interested 

in participating in organized religion. 

At the first three levels, families need help keeping their children safe (Survival), 

providing them with the necessities of life (Provision), and making sure children are 

treated as valued members of their family (Structured Family). The last of these 

includes making sure children are safe from physical, sexual, or emotional abuse. 

In developed countries, a wide variety of government programs and charities 

exist to help families stabilize these first three levels. They include emergency services,


social safety nets, child protective services, foster homes, domestic abuse shelters, 

marriage counseling, food banks, addiction treatment programs, parenting support 

groups, healthcare, crisis centers, employment services, and many more. In some 

countries, private insurance plans may supplement or take the place of government 

programs and charities to create stability on the Provision level. 

Sometimes parents are reluctant to accept help, even when it is available free of 

charge. This may be due to pride or a stigma attached to taking charity. Such an 

attitude is unacceptable. If you or your children need or would benefit from help offered 

on any of these levels, you should take advantage of it, even if you expect your situation 

will improve down the road. Children's needs cannot wait. Their present welfare must 

come before any other consideration. 

Other programs are designed to help deliver the gifts of higher levels--not just to 

keep children physically safe and fed, but to give them valuable skills and develop their 

capacity to lead happier lives as adults. These programs can benefit children of all 

levels, but they will most likely be seen as essential to parents raising their children at 

the Fellowship, Individuality, or Inclusion levels. As with schools and religious groups, 

finding out what level an organization operates at will help you decide if it is a good fit 

for your children. As always, you should look for organizations that operate at a level 

equal to or higher than the one you were raised at. 

While you will not find too many children's organizations operating below the 

Fellowship Level, some older organizations have retained policies leftover from when 

the Structured Family level was dominant. For instance, it was once common to have 

separate programs for girls and boys, because of the different roles the sexes were 

expected to play in families. A girls-only group like Brownies might have spent time 

teaching a skill like sewing while a boys-only group like Cub Scouts might have


emphasized team sports. However, these policies have been disappearing now that the 

Individuality level has become dominant and effort is being made toward Inclusion. 

Children today can participate in a much wider range of activities with fewer 

presumptions about sex and gender roles. 

That said, plenty of organizations provide children's programs at the Fellowship 

level. You can recognize them because of their emphasis on molding children through 

discipline and conformity. Such organizations may include those offering military 

training, team sports, martial arts, dance, marching band, or choir. Putting children into 

uniforms is typical of an organization that values conformity. Fellowship organizations 

may cater to children of one sex, religion, or ethnicity. A stronger indicator is if the 

organization trains children to hold a particular set of values or to follow certain rules of 

behavior in all areas of their lives, including home and school. These programs can be 

quite beneficial to children of families working towards a more stable Fellowship level. 

They help children develop self-discipline, respect for leaders, and the ability to follow 

the rules in every situation. 

By contrast, an Individuality level organization is not so concerned with uniformity 

or governing all aspects of children's lives. Children will be expected to meet certain 

expectations while participating in the organization's programs, but their privacy will be 

respected. For instance, if youth participate in a community theater group, they may be 

expected to attend rehearsals, arrive on time, learn their lines, follow the director's 

instructions, be polite to other cast members, and treat props and costumes with 

respect, because these requirements help meet the goal of mounting a successful 

production. But if the organization is operating at the Individuality level, it will not 

explicitly teach youth how to behave outside the theater. Nor will the organization care 

what religion or philosophy the youth believe in.


Letting your children participate in Individuality organizations will support your 

effort to help them develop a sense of their own individuality. It will expose them to a 

less intrusive environment, separate from home and school, where they can pursue 

personal interests--interests which they may choose not to tell their classmates or 

teachers about. Children who join such groups get a break from any pressure to 

conform they may face in other environments. They gain opportunities to make friends 

with peers who share a common interest, even if they go to different schools, live in 

different neighborhoods, or have different backgrounds. Pursuing personal interests 

helps them build a private life. It helps them develop a stronger sense of their own 

identity and priorities, which will help them navigate through life as adults. 

As we mentioned earlier, a growing number of organizations offer programs for 

children at the Inclusion level. Many more Inclusion level summer camps and afterschool 

programs exist than Inclusion level schools. This may be because parents at the 

Individuality level see conventional schooling as an important path to public 

respectability--and therefore more serious. After-school or summer programs are more 

often seen as ways for children to pursue private interests. They are programs children 

can participate in for enjoyment rather than accolades. And honestly, even when they 

are educational, children usually find Inclusion level programs quite enjoyable. 

Inclusion level children's programing differs from the Individuality level in that it 

creates more opportunities for children to express their unique perspectives and 

participate more fully in the programming, to the point of sharing ownership. For 

instance, programs may be advertised as having a particular subject matter, goals, or 

activities, in order to preselect participants. But at the beginning of the program, the 

adult leaders may ask the children what they want from the program and modify the 

goals to meet the children's interests. Rather than imposing a set of rules, they may ask


the children to help write a list of rules to help the program be more successful. By 

sharing in the design of the program, children gain a sense of ownership that makes 

them more eager to participate. It helps them feel secure enough to express themselves 

in other ways, giving them confidence and skills in leadership and communication. 

Each time the group meets, leaders may facilitate opportunities for everyone to 

share their thoughts and feelings in a non-judgmental atmosphere. These discussions 

may be used to fine-tune the activities to the group's needs, help children develop their 

sense of self by reflecting on their experiences, deepen the learning process, and 

encourage children to develop empathy for others. 

Children's programming at the Inclusion level often includes a variety of noncompetitive 

games and arts activities--even when they are not the main subject being 

taught. Non-competitive games and arts allow children to explore and express their 

individuality without the pressure to "win" or the fear of losing. They help children learn 

to work cooperatively with others in ways that are both fun and productive. Leaders will 

choose activities that everyone in the group can participate in regardless of ability. They 

will create an atmosphere where everyone feels accepted, and that their contributions 

are valued. 

When you expose your children to an Inclusion level environment, you give them 

the opportunity to gain strong interpersonal skills that will help them become more 

successful adults. They will learn how to communicate and cooperate with others, form 

better relationships, and make use of their unique talents and creativity.


Part Three 

Creating a Home Environment


Chapter 16: One Reason You Can't Parent Above Your Level 

As a parent, you want to create the best home environment for your children you 

can. You want your children to have an upbringing that will help them lead happier and 

more successful lives as adults. You may also want to be thought of as a good parent 

by your friends, spouse, extended family, and community. 

Before we get into the specifics about how to create a good environment for your 

children, we must acknowledge some of the biggest challenges you face. One of these 

challenges is time. As John Lennon said, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy 

making other plans." The eighteen years it takes for your children to become adults can 

be over before you realize it. Moreover, research in child development shows that the 

first few years in children's lives are the most important. During that time, the basic 

architecture of children's brains forms, and their environment plays a huge role in 

shaping that architecture. How well children's needs are met in those early years, the 

quality of connection they have with parents, the types of stimuli they encounter, and 

how safe they feel to explore their world and express themselves--all these factors 

influence their intelligence, behavior, and psychological health later in life. 

Adding to the challenge is that all parents start out as amateurs. Parenting is a 

skill that is difficult to learn except by doing. Some parents try to learn about effective


parenting methods from the moment they conceive, some even earlier. They may read 

books and articles on parenting and child development. They may take courses or get 

advice from other parents and family members. But all the advice you gather may fly out 

the window when you are faced with real-life parenting challenges. How you handle 

difficult situations may depend far more on your instincts or your impulses in the 

moment than your best intentions. You may have to raise several children before you 

feel competent and at ease as a parent, and by then your children will be too old to get 

the full benefit of your expertise. 

In addition, to create an environment at a particular level for your child, your own 

psyche must first be stable on that level. You must be comfortable in that environment 

and see it as normal before you can make it normal for your child. Let's go into more 

detail on this. 

At each of the six levels, a child or an adult must emphasize certain aspects of 

themselves to adapt to their home environment. As one moves up the levels, people 

feel more secure and can indulge in greater degrees of self-expression and selfdetermination. 

However, if you are trying to create the kind of environment for your child 

that you never learned to feel safe in, you will feel a lot of anxiety. Your upbringing has 

not prepared you for the forms of interaction possible at higher levels. You won't feel 

comfortable letting your child experience them and you won't feel comfortable in such 

an environment yourself. As a result, you will feel pulled to behave in ways that make 

the environment more in line with the one you grew up in than one you are trying to 

create. 

For instance, let's say you grew up in an unstable Provision home. Once your 

babies become toddlers, they may become interested in understanding everyone's role 

in the family. They are ready for a Structured Family environment. If you and your


spouse want to create a Structured Family, you will need to dedicate yourself to fulfilling 

a formal role in the family. Can you develop the discipline to do what your role requires 

and not step outside your role? Can you trust your spouse to do the same? Can you 

handle having the family dependent on you and being dependent on them? What 

happens when adversity arises? Will your spouse abandon you? Can you resist the 

urge to walk out the door? Can you survive on your own? Your Provision upbringing has 

not prepared you for such interdependency, and it will generate a lot of anxiety. 

Sometimes, the only way you can cope with your anxiety over fulfilling your role 

may be to go "on strike" and refuse to meet your commitments. Your spouse may do 

the same, for similar reasons. The more often this happens, the less stable your child's 

environment will be on the Structured Family level. Despite your best efforts, the home 

environment may end up staying at the Provision level. 

On the other hand, let's say you grew up in an unstable Structured Family home, 

but as your children get older they become interested in knowing the rules, so they can 

feel their lives are predictable and can make plans. Perhaps you and your spouse also 

receive some parenting advice that says children can benefit from fair and consistent 

rules, so you attempt to create a Fellowship home. Trouble is, your Structured Family 

upbringing taught you that the strong make the rules and the weak must follow them. If, 

as a parent, you also must follow the rules, does that make you weak? Does it 

represent a loss of status? In a Structured Family, your role as an adult and parent 

entitles you to respect from your spouse and children. It is your source of security. You 

may fear that transitioning to a Fellowship environment will make parents subservient to 

children. If you must follow the rules, would that make you vulnerable to disrespect? 

The anxiety you may feel in a Fellowship home may give you a strong urge to 

break the rules, as a way to reassert your power and demand respect. Your spouse


may have similar urges. The more you give in to such urges, the less stable your child's 

environment will be on the Fellowship level. You may end up creating a Structured 

Family environment after all. 

If you were raised in a Fellowship home, you may face a challenge when your 

child becomes a young teenager and wants some private space where she can pursue 

her own interests. You may be living in a community that considers it proper for teens to 

develop their Individuality. Nonetheless, you may have a lot of anxiety around allowing 

your teen such freedom. Your Fellowship upbringing taught you that individuality is 

dangerous. You may fear that your child could embrace different ideas or engage in 

activities you don't approve of. You know the kind of impulses you and your peers might 

have indulged when they were young, had they not been in an environment with strict 

rules and constant supervision. What if your teen has similar impulses? Your anxiety 

may make it difficult to refrain from invading her private space--reading her diary, 

eavesdropping on her conversations, spying on her activities. Can you resist the urge to 

judge her, to make sure she has the right opinions and beliefs? Do you feel a need to 

control what she does in her private space? Do you believe taking such actions would 

be in your child's best interest? If so, you may be keeping your teen's environment at 

the Fellowship level where she may never develop a strong sense of self. 

If you were raised in an Individuality environment, you may have a lot of anxiety if 

your older teen wants an Inclusion environment in which she can express her 

individuality in public. Public expression might be celebrated in an Inclusion community, 

but your family probably doesn't live in an Inclusion community. You may feel that 

certain types of self-expression and activities are only acceptable in private. You don't 

want her to harm her public image or the image of your family. 

For example, Eric knows a couple who, when their daughter was an older teen,


started a Facebook page dedicated to chronicling her menstrual cycle in detail. The 

page was popular among her friends but provoked a lot of anxiety in her parents who 

had been raised in Individuality homes. To them, such intimate information did not 

belong on a public forum. Later, while in college, the daughter started acquiring tattoos, 

as did many of her peers. Some of these tattoos were not always hidden under clothing. 

Again, this was a form of public self-expression which would be acceptable in an 

Inclusion environment. But her parents worried that too many tattoos might make it 

harder for their daughter to project an image of herself as a respectable person. They 

might restrict her marriage, social, or career opportunities. Eventually, it became too 

much for them and they persuaded her to stop acquiring new tattoos by threatening to 

cut off her financial support. 

So far, we have been discussing the challenges of creating an environment for 

your child one level above the one you were raised in. Some parents feel pressure to do 

more than that. For instance, they may have been raised in a Structured Family home 

but find themselves living in a community where parents are expected to raise their 

children in an Individuality or even Inclusion environment. 

To shift your home environment two or more levels higher is not a reasonable 

goal. It would be like trying to put a fourth story on a building before the third story is 

built. You can't build a level until the one below is stable. Apart from the additional 

anxiety such a shift will cause, most people cannot understand how an environment two 

levels up could function. Their instincts, their understanding of human nature, their 

common sense that formed in their childhood environment, will be the wrong tools for 

such an endeavor. Before you can build an environment two levels up, you would need 

to spend a lot of time and effort on Part Four of this book, healing your traumas, 

retraining your instincts, learning to feel more secure, gaining a new understanding of


human nature, and becoming happier and more fulfilled. Only after you have built the 

new level in your own psyche will you be comfortable creating such an environment for 

your child. 

Your first step must be to figure out the limits of your comfort. If your history has 

made you stable on the Survival and Provision levels, you may be comfortable providing 

your child with the necessities of life, but little else. If you are stable on the Structured 

Family level, you will be comfortable fulfilling your role as parent and teaching your child 

her role in the family, but you won't be comfortable with rules or individuality. If you are 

stable on the Fellowship level, you can provide your school-age child with a rule-based 

environment, but you won't be comfortable with expressions of individuality. If you are 

stable on the Individuality level, you can support your young teen in developing her 

sense of self, but only in private. Only if you are one of the rare parents who is stable on 

the Inclusion level, will you be equipped to support your young adult in expressing her 

unique identity and making a unique contribution in public. 

Fortunately, when you know which level you are at today, you may have time to 

stabilize that level or even start building the next before your child is ready to 

experience it. The following chapters will give some tips stabilizing on each level. At the 

same time, Part Four of this book will show you how to create greater stability in your 

own psyche and take yourself to a higher level. Once you do this, you can create a 

higher-level environment for your child when she is ready for it. 

Don't worry if you reach your limit and cannot offer your child every level. Virtually 

every parent in history has been in that situation. Depending on their starting point, most 

parents would need exceptional dedication to move their family all the way up to 

Inclusion before their children reach adulthood. Fortunately, even a small increase in 

the stability of your home will make a big difference in your children’s lives and your


own. The more time you spend on Part Four, the happier and more fulfilled your family 

will be. If your children are grown and have children of their own, doing this work will 

help you be a better grandparent and a better resource to the new generation.


Chapter 17: Building a Survival Home 

Children need their environment to be stable on the Survival level from the 

moment they are born and forever after. Physical safety is required for a child to 

experience any other gifts or pursue any other priorities. 

Most readers will find it easy to create a stable Survival level environment for 

their children. A few parents are a danger to their children. Some children may be born 

into dangerous environments or with life threatening medical conditions. Parents 

struggling with such challenges are unlikely to read this book. When your primary 

concern as a parent is keeping your children alive, you don't have the luxury of worrying 

about the finer points of parenting. 

For parents who were raised at Structured Family or higher level, life at the 

Survival level is difficult to comprehend. Some of our advice here may be so obvious it 

may not seem worth stating. Nonetheless, for the sake of completeness and for the 

benefit of readers who may know parents struggling to raise children at the Survival 

level, we'll consider three scenarios in which a child may experience an unstable 

Survival environment. 

1. When a Parent is a Threat


We'll start with the worst-case scenario: one in which you, as a parent, are a 

danger to your child. Perhaps you were raised in an unstable Survival home where your 

parents were a threat to you, or perhaps you have significant experiences with being in 

unstable Survival environments that left you traumatized. Even though you are now 

raising your child in a safe community, you may have trouble with anger management. 

The experience of living with constant fear may have given you heightened survival 

instincts. These instincts may have served you in a dangerous environment but are 

inappropriate now the threat is gone. You may tend to behave in ways that others find 

irrational and paranoid. You may perceive threats where none exist. You may overreact 

to sudden movements or noises. Slight provocations may put you into a blind rage and 

make you lash out with physical violence--even against your own spouse or children. 

These tendencies may be heightened when you use alcohol or other recreational drugs. 

Most advanced countries have government services that intervene to protect 

children from parents who may be a danger to them. These services have different 

names, depending on where you live, such as Child Protective Services (US) or 

Children's Aid Societies (Canada). In the UK, local authorities are tasked with protecting 

children. In Australia, it is the responsibility of the Dept. Of Social Services. Where 

government services are inadequate, charities or religious organizations may try to fill 

the gaps. Many communities have shelters for victims of domestic violence and their 

children. The more such services exist, the safer the community is, for not just children 

but everyone. 

If you are considering having children and you believe you may be a danger to 

them, you should get help as soon as possible. Participate in anger management 

training or get psychotherapy that focuses on healing trauma. Take parenting classes, 

so you can learn about normal child behavior and how to cope with it. Some people


raised at the Survival level may choose not to have children. 

If you have a newborn baby, pay attention to how you react when she cries. For 

some parents, the sound of a baby crying is a helpful notification that it's time for the 

baby to be fed or changed, or that the baby wants the reassurance of being cuddled to 

sleep by a parent. Other parents find that the sound of crying makes them feel anxious, 

irritated, or upset. This may be true if the parent's own childhood experiences cause 

them to associate the sound of a baby crying with scary situations--such as Survival 

level threats. 

Some babies also cry more than others. When excessive crying is accompanied 

by other symptoms, it can indicate a baby is ill and should be taken to a doctor. Other 

babies suffer from infantile colic, which is excessive crying with no discernible cause. 

The combination of a colicky baby and a parent for whom the sound of crying triggers 

feelings of fear, anger, or frustration can be dangerous. Shaken baby syndrome, or 

worse, can result when a parent loses control and injures her child. 

If you believe you could lose control, remove yourself from the baby. Perhaps 

your spouse or another adult can watch the baby while you go for a walk or to another 

part of the house until the crying stops and you can calm down. Sometimes friends, 

neighbors, relatives, or social services can provide you with a parental respite. 

Another practice that may help is a form of extinction sleep training developed by 

Dr. Richard Ferber. Ferberization, as it is sometimes called, is a process whereby a 

parent puts a child safely to bed and then leaves the room, even if the child is awake 

and crying. The parent will return within three minutes to check on the child, but not pick 

her up. The parent will gradually increase the amount of time before she returns to five 

minutes, then ten minutes, etc. until the child is asleep. The process is repeated over 

many nights until the baby learns to stop crying and fall asleep on her own.


We would not recommend Ferberization for most children, particularly infants 

who are prone to vomiting. Being "Ferberized" can give babies the feeling of being 

abandoned, creating instability on the Provision level. For most babies, soothing 

physical contact with a parent is a better tool to help them learn to calm themselves. 

However, Ferberization may be useful for parents with a history of exposure to unstable 

Survival environments. If the baby learns to fall asleep with fewer tears, the stress level 

of the home may be reduced, and the baby's safety may be increased. 

If you have children and you know you have anger issues, it may be best for you 

to avoid spending time alone with them until you have worked through those issues. If 

your spouse doesn't have such difficulties, he or she should be your child's primary 

caregiver. Alternatively, it may make sense to let your children live with relatives or 

other people who can give them a safer home environment. Many countries have safehaven 

laws or safe surrender sites that allow parents to give up their babies for adoption 

without much trouble. Orphanages and foster care are also services that can protect 

children from unsafe parents. While giving up your child may be a drastic and heartbreaking 

measure, ensuring the child's survival must be the priority. 

2. When the Community is a Threat 

Let's assume you are not a threat to your children, but you are raising them in a 

community at an unstable Survival level--a community in which many children are killed 

before they reach adulthood due to war, crime, abuse, or civil unrest. In this case, your 

primary job as a parent is protect your children from the threats in the community. 

Usually, the best course of action is to move your family to a safe community or a 

safe part of the world. Find somewhere to live where violence is rare. You want to raise 

your children where there is good infrastructure such as emergency services, a


neighborhood watch, healthcare, safe schools, and effective social services. If the 

streets and playgrounds are not beautiful, they should at least be safe for children. 

If you cannot to move to a safe community, you may be able to join with other 

parents in your community to create institutions and systems that improve the safety of 

children. Religious organizations, charities, or non-governmental organizations may 

offer training and resources to help parents with this task. This option requires parents 

to commit more of their personal time, effort, and resources but may be very worthwhile. 

If you can neither relocate nor improve the safety of your community, the final 

option is to turn your home into the equivalent of a fortress with fences, gates, security 

systems, or guards, that can protect your children from threats coming from the outside 

world. This option requires the largest commitment of personal resources. For this 

reason, it is usually available only to wealthier parents. 

3. When the Threat is Imaginary 

A third possibility is that neither you nor the community are a threat to your 

children, but you grew up in a scary environment that still haunts you today. Perhaps as 

a child you felt safe with your family, but the community you lived in was at an unstable 

Survival level. Perhaps a civil war, unrest, or terrorist acts were taking place around 

you, so your family had to be constantly on guard. Now that you are grown and raising 

your children in a safe community, your experience as a child may give you a strong 

compulsion to protect them from threats that are not present. In doing so, you may 

burden your children with unnecessary fear. You may teach them that the world is 

dangerous, and they cannot trust anyone. You may establish many rules designed to 

protect them from imagined threats and make them terrified of breaking those rules. 

You will create an unstable Survival environment for your children in which they live in a


constant state of fear. It is like the environment you grew up in, except that the threats 

are only imagined. 

If you feel compelled to teach your children the world is scary, you can easily 

become the biggest source of fear they experience. In effect, you become the monster 

to teach them to be afraid. That might be justifiable, if the environment really were as 

dangerous as the one you grew up in. But if the environment is safe, burdening children 

with unnecessary fear can have negative consequences. Your children may not enjoy 

the opportunities or benefits other children in your community do, many of which require 

feeling free and secure enough to connect with others. If your children are always afraid 

of you, they won't bond well with you. They may grow up to be adults who have difficulty 

forming trusting relationships with anyone, and they may miss out on the happiness that 

comes from human connection, as well as higher-level gifts. 

Of course, you want to make sure your children's environment is safe. But once 

that is achieved, you should do the inner work described in Part Four or seek 

counseling that can help you overcome your own anxieties and gain a more realistic 

understanding of the world your children are living in. This will prepare you to begin 

creating a Provision level environment for your children. 

If you succeed in giving your children a home in which they feel safe, they will 

grow into adults who can provide a safe environment for their own children.


Chapter 18: Building a Provision Home 

As with Survival, babies need stability on the Provision level from the moment 

they are born. They need to be safe, to be kept warm and fed, to have their hygiene 

needs met, and to have a calming connection with an adult caregiver. Children's need 

for Provision will change over time, but it never goes away. Your task as a parent is to 

provide for your children consistently until they become self-supporting adults. You want 

them to know they will always have a home with you, and you will make sure they have 

the necessities of life. You must also make sure they get a good education or training so 

they can support themselves as adults. You don't have to be the perfect parent, but you 

do have to be a good provider. 

Some of the advice we give here will be obvious to many readers. Yet parents 

who were raised in an unstable Provision environment themselves can struggle with 

these issues. We will start with the basics. 

Provision Through Financial Stability 

To provide your children with the necessities of life in a consistent manner, you 

need a steady family income. Children don't need a lavish standard of living, but they do 

need one that is adequate and dependable. While our purpose here is not to advocate


for any socio-economic policies, we will point out that unionized jobs usually offer more 

job security than, for example, working in the gig economy. Certain industries and 

professions have a lower job turnover rate than others. Working for a large company 

can be more secure than a small business. You must consider these issues when you 

are planning to start a family. 

Being self-employed or owning a small family business can work for or against 

you in terms of economic security. On the one hand, you can't get fired from a business 

you own. On the other hand, your income will depend on your continued health and 

your ability to find a steady stream of clients and customers. Your business may be 

vulnerable to changes in the economy and the arrival of new competition. New 

businesses are particularly prone to failure. 

Your income can vary more in certain professions than others. If you are a freelancer, 

self-employed, or a small business owner, you may need to be skilled at income 

smoothing to be a successful provider to your children. This has traditionally been an 

important skill for family farms that receive the bulk of their annual income shortly after 

harvest. The farmer must then budget carefully so that the money covers the family's 

expenses until the next harvest, with room to spare in case of an unexpected disaster, 

such as crop failure. With freelance or seasonal work, your income may oscillate 

between "feast or famine." You may have dry spells when no money is coming in or 

you're short of clients. When you receive a big payment, you need to make it last until 

the next one. You may benefit from developing multiple income streams so there is 

always some money coming in. 

One tool that can help you achieve greater security at the Provision level is 

insurance. Insurance is designed to protect you and your family from financial 

misfortune. Many types of insurance policies exist, each one offering protection against


a different type of disaster--death, disability, illness, house fires, car crashes, business 

failure, crop failure, crime, etc. In developed countries, you are required by law to have 

certain types of insurance. 

If your income is low, purchasing insurance against all significant risks may seem 

too costly. Many people struggling with Provision issues forego some types of insurance 

to save money. Young people in good health often forego life, medical, or disability 

insurance. However, this is a risky practice in countries like the United States, where a 

major illness or accident can create a financial crisis. If possible, you should have 

insurance against all events that could put your children's provision in jeopardy. 

In most developed countries, government programs function as insurance 

policies to protect those who have not achieved financial security on their own. 

Depending on where you live, these may include universal healthcare, unemployment 

and disability insurance, veteran benefits, welfare, subsidized housing, minimum wages, 

child benefit programs, student loans, pension programs for senior citizens, etc. In 

areas where the social safety net is weak, charities run by either religious groups or 

non-profit organizations often try to fill in the gaps. All these programs are beneficial 

because they improve families' stability on the Provision level and prevent children from 

growing up deprived. 

Some countries have begun experimenting with guaranteed minimum income 

programs that provide everyone with a fixed amount of money each month, whether 

they are employed or not. Evidence from trials of such programs suggests that giving 

people a guaranteed minimum income does not significantly decrease their incentive to 

work, but it does provide them with many benefits. It improves their health, reduces 

stress, and gives them the stability they need to apply for work, train for a better job, or 

start a business. Perhaps the biggest benefit is that it helps them provide for their


children consistently, regardless what misfortune befalls them. 

Provision Through Relationship and Connection 

In addition to financial stability, a child needs a steady relationship with one or 

more adult caregivers. As an infant, a child needs to be cuddled often by adults so she 

can learn calm herself. A toddler needs attention from a parent who can help her learn 

to manage her emotions and restrain her impulses. Abandonment or rejection by one or 

more parents creates Provision level instability in a child's psyche, as does living with 

the constant fear of abandonment. 

Attachment theory is a subject in psychology that looks at how babies and 

toddlers develop healthy relationships with their parents. When children develop secure 

attachments to one or more adults, who they know will consistently meet their needs, 

they develop confidence in exploring their world. As they grow, they become more 

outgoing, more engaged with peers and the world around them. They become adults 

who can form and maintain healthy and close relationships with friends and partners. If 

a parent is abusive or emotionally unavailable (as in depression or addiction), or if a 

parent abandons her child, the child will be prone to anxiety or dissociative symptoms. 

She may grow up to be fearful of the world and have a harder time forming close 

connections as adults. 

If you grew up in an unstable Provision level home, you may have some of these 

issues yourself. People with this background go one of two ways. Either they have a 

hard time maintaining committed relationships--avoiding, abandoning, or sabotaging 

them--or their anxiety causes them to be a doormat. They are so desperate to maintain 

relationships that they let themselves be mistreated. 

If you come from a Provision level background and want to do better for your


children, your first objective must be to make them feel that you will always be there for 

them. You must never abandon your child. She must always have a home with you, and 

you must remain present in her life. Give her your attention and help when she needs it. 

If you grew up in an unstable Provision home, staying connected with your child 

won't always be easy. Young children have a lot of needs and raising them can be 

exhausting work. Balancing the tasks of parenting and earning a living can be stressful. 

If you have a spouse or partner, it can be hard to maintain that partnership while 

parenting. Marriage and relationship counseling may be worthwhile and should begin 

sooner rather than later. If you separate or divorce from your child's other parent, make 

sure your child maintains her connection with both of you. Joint custody or co-parenting 

may have organizational and financial challenges, yet it benefits children greatly to 

know they are not losing a parent. 

For example, a colleague of Eric went through a separation and divorce when his 

daughter was four years old. He and his ex-wife continued to live in the same 

neighborhood, and they continued to share the parenting of their daughter. The 

daughter had a bedroom in both homes and would alternate between them. This was a 

good arrangement, because the daughter continued to have a strong connection with 

both parents. 

Ten years later, the father was living with another woman who had become close 

to his daughter. The father and his girlfriend decided to split up. They were concerned 

about how to tell the daughter in a way that would upset her as little as possible. 

However, when the father eventually told his daughter that he and his girlfriend were 

breaking up, the daughter did not seem upset at all, despite her close relationship with 

the girlfriend. He asked her why. She responded that she assumed his soon-to-be exgirlfriend 

would remain part of her life. As far as she was concerned, the breakup didn't


change anything for her. The daughter was "well-attached," as psychologists term it. 

She felt secure in her relationship to her mother, her father, and to her father's soon-tobe 

former girlfriend. 

Assuming you and your spouse stay together, you must make sure your children 

feel secure in their relationship with you. Cuddle them when they are babies. Let them 

sleep in the same bed with you if it helps them fall asleep easier (provided there's no 

risk an adult might roll on top of them). Hug young children when they need 

reassurance. Eat meals together as a family. Make time to play with your children and 

teach them useful skills. Avoid arguing with your partner if the children can hear 

(arguments between parents can make children afraid a separation is coming). Pick 

children up on time from school or other activities. Be reliable. And make being with 

your children your top priority when it matters. 

Prioritizing Children 

Regarding that last point, a child’s security on the Provision level can be 

strengthened or weakened by her sense of how important she is to her parents. 

For example, Eric came to know a Mexican family in which the mother (a single 

parent) made extraordinary sacrifices in the hope of providing her children with a better 

life. She had been a qualified accountant, but she left that profession because she 

wanted her children to go to school in the United States. 

The family did not emigrate to the United States. They lived in Mexico near the 

border. Every morning, the mother would get her children up very early and pack them 

into a van, along with two other families who were doing the same. They would endure 

a long, slow-moving line to cross the border into the United States, where she had 

enrolled her children in school. The mother got a job in the school cafeteria so she could


be close to her children and earn the money to pay for their school fees and the 

necessities of life. Each day, after the children finished their extra-curricular activities, 

they would endure another lengthy border crossing to return home just in time to go to 

bed. The children did their homework in the van. The family followed this routine until 

the children graduated. During those years the mother sacrificed both “quality” family 

time with her children and other aspects of her life so her children could have greater 

opportunities. 

Similarly, one often sees low-income families in which the parents spend very 

little time with their children. They may be single-parent families, or families in which 

both parents work long hours, perhaps at more than one job each. Teenagers may 

come home from school to an empty home because their parents work late. They may 

not see their parents much on weekends either because the parents work weekend 

shifts. In some families, one parent will spend many months of the year away from 

home, living in deplorable or dangerous conditions to earn money which they send back 

to their spouse. This has traditionally been true for sailors, soldiers, migrant farm 

workers, or workers in the natural resource industries. 

Sometimes a single parent has financial difficulties that make it hard for her to 

provide a home for her children. She may conclude her best option is to move in with 

relatives. Even if the environment in that home is only at an unstable Structured Family 

level, even if it might be considered abusive in some ways, it may be better than having 

the children grow up deprived. 

On the surface, children in these families appear to be growing up in an unstable 

Provision environment. Their standard of living is low, and the children spend little time 

with their parents. However, if the children's needs are adequately met, and if the 

children know their parents care about them, put their needs first, and are doing their


best to provide for them, we would say they are experiencing a stable Provision 

environment. 

On the other hand, one sometimes sees families where both parents work long 

hours at high paying jobs. These families enjoy a high level of material comfort. The 

children are well provided for, have every toy imaginable, and are sent to expensive day 

care, summer camps, or after school programs. They may even attend boarding 

schools and not see their parents for much of the year. 

Unlike with low-income families, the parents of such high-income families are not 

working long hours out of necessity. In many cases, one parent could choose to quit 

work and stay home with the children and the children would be just as well provided 

for. Instead, the parents seem to work long hours mainly to fulfill their own desire for 

status, material luxuries, or to keep up with their peers. Connecting and spending time 

with their children is less of a priority. Children, and especially teenagers, are often 

smart enough to figure this out. When children feel their parents don't really care about 

them, they can experience insecurity and instability on the Provision level, even though 

they have all the advantages money can buy. 

To raise your children in a stable Provision environment, you must make them 

your top priority. That may mean sacrificing your own desires to provide for their 

material needs and to maintain a strong connection with them. If you can do this, they 

will grow up feeling secure in the world and able to form solid relationships of their own. 

You don't have to be your children's best friend. You don't have to be overly affectionate 

or spoil them (though you can do a little of this). But if they grow up knowing you are 

always there, always dependable, and always put their needs first, they will become 

adults who can form good relationships with colleagues, friends, partners, a spouse, 

and eventually your grandchildren.

Wolterstorff; Strathy / BETTER PARENTS / 213


Chapter 19: Building a Structured Family Home 

Once a baby is old enough to become mobile and explore her home, parents 

must teach her boundaries so she stays safe. At that stage she is also ready to 

understand how she fits into the family, and what roles adults and other children play. In 

particular, she is ready to understand who has the power. Who makes decisions and 

sets boundaries for her? Who should she turn to when she has needs to be met? Who 

must she not anger? What is her place compared to her siblings? 

If you were raised in a Fellowship home, you may have some discomfort with the 

idea of creating a Structured Family environment for your toddler. Your upbringing gave 

you a fundamental sense of fairness, and Structured Family homes are fundamentally 

unfair. 

When we say Structured Families are unfair, we don't mean the kind of 

unfairness that happens in an unstable Provision home, where children's needs are met 

in an inconsistent and uneven manner. Structured Families are based on unfairness in 

the sense that, since adults are older, stronger, and wiser than children, adults have all 

the power and make all the rules. Moreover, adults can change, interpret, and 

reinterpret those rules on a whim. 

In a Fellowship home, if a parent tells a nine-year-old child to do something and


the child asks, "Why do I have to?", the parent might explain, "Because that is the rule 

in this house." If the child knows the rules in their home are consistently enforced and 

apply to everyone fairly, that may be a sufficient explanation to get the child to comply. 

In a Structured Family however, the answer to the question "Why do I have to?" is 

"Because I say so." Or, more precisely, "Because if you don't comply, I will punish you." 

If you were raised in a Fellowship home or higher, you should create a 

Fellowship environment for your own children once they are old enough to appreciate 

the concept of a rule-based environment. However, until your child reaches that age 

(which on average is six years or older), the concept of a rule-based environment will be 

too abstract for her to understand. To a three-year-old, the statement, "Because that is 

the rule," either means the same as "Because if you don't comply I will punish you," or it 

means nothing at all. The most she can understand is that she must do what the 

powerful person (her adult caregiver) tells her, or she will regret it. You will find praise or 

mild punishment are more effective tools to get young children to obey than a 

discussion of the rules or moral philosophy. 

Teaching children to respect you is in their best interest. If you tell your threeyear-old, 

"Don't touch the stove," she needs to do what you tell her, otherwise she could 

come to harm. When she's nine, you can teach her the rules of using a stove safely, but 

at three it's enough for her to understand that touching the stove will lead to 

punishment. The more obedient your child is, the easier it will be to protect her from 

danger. You will also want to teach your children to respect other older members of the 

family, such as their grandparents, aunts, and uncles, who may at times have the 

responsibility of looking out for them. 

The reciprocal relationship between respect, protection, and caring forms the 

basis of many relationships in a Structured Family. For instance, a son may have a duty


to respect his father. In return, the father has a duty to protect his son and help him 

succeed in the world. A first-born son may be entitled to respect from his younger 

brother. In return, he may be obliged to look after his younger brother and protect him 

from bullies at school. 

In addition to establishing a hierarchy of power (with parents at the top), you 

should encourage your young children to see you as a role model. Toddlers know they 

are growing and can do more than they used to. They will be interested in knowing what 

their role will be when they are fully grown. Let your children watch you doing various 

chores around the home. If possible, let them see you working at the family business. 

When they are old enough, have them participate in "take your child to work" days. 

Alternatively, you might take your children to see other adults working at various jobs in 

the community. Observing adults performing roles in the family and the community 

makes children aspire to perform similar roles when they are older. 

Encourage your children help you with various tasks around the home to the 

extent of their ability. Let them help you cook meals, tend the garden, decorate for 

holidays, perform home maintenance and cleaning, etc. When they are young, they may 

only do simple tasks or pretend to do some of the tasks you do. The older they get, the 

more able they are to make a real contribution and the more responsibility they can take 

on. When they are ready, encourage them to take on regular chores in exchange for 

rewards, which could take the form of money, privileges, praise, or simply having fun 

while they help you. Giving a child a pet to look after can be a good way to teach her 

responsibility. Once she is old enough, have her help with the family business or 

encourage her volunteer or to take a part-time job in the community. You want her to 

experience contributing as a normal and fulfilling part of her life. 

We should note that the roles for family members may be defined differently in


each Structured Family, though families in the same community or culture will share 

similarities. In many traditional Structured Families, roles are demarcated by sex as well 

as age. Fathers and mothers have different but equally important roles. Boys have 

chores, activities, and skills to learn that will prepare them to become men and fathers. 

Girls have chores, activities, and skills to learn that will prepare them to become women 

and mothers. First-born sons have a special role to play, as do second-born and 

younger sons. First-born daughters have a special role, as do second-born and younger 

daughters. Aunts, uncles, and grandparents have roles to play as well. 

When Structured Family was the dominant level in Germany, women's roles were 

loosely defined by three spheres of activity expressed as "Kinder, Küche, Kirche," which 

translates as "children, kitchen, and church." Among the landed gentry in nineteenth 

century England, male roles were often defined by birth order. The eldest son's role was 

to inherit and run the estate and perhaps enter politics. The second son was expected 

to pursue a career in the army. The third son would study and practise law, while the 

fourth son became a clergyman. In parts of China, Confucianism attempts to define 

roles and relationships among family members. And other societies have their own 

ways of defining family roles. 

When a community operates at the Structured Family level or lower, being part of 

a Structured Family gives children a big advantage. Families are stronger when each 

person develops and contributes expertise within a particular role, which makes it easier 

for families to provide for themselves. Only in higher level communities can non-family 

members be considered as trustworthy as family. The essential skills of family members 

are different for each Structured Family but may include both domestic skills and skills 

related to the family business. Some families consider it advantageous to have a doctor, 

lawyer, auto mechanic, accountant, or various other professionals and tradespeople in


the family. If an important skill is missing, it can sometimes be obtained through 

marriage. 

In today's world, many families have rejected traditional male and female roles. 

Some of these families are founded by same-sex couples and may operate at the 

Individuality or Inclusion levels. Regardless, when the children are young, any family 

above the Provision level will need to create stability on the Structured Family level 

which includes establishing roles and hierarchy. Even when gender is not what defines 

a person's role, children should still look to their parents as role models who must be 

obeyed. 

In the Western world, Structured Families, with their strictly defined roles and 

distrust of outsiders, may seem antiquated due to Individuality becoming the dominant 

level. However, many practices and benefits of Structured Families are retained at 

higher levels, including a strong commitment to the family's success, committed 

relationships that last a lifetime, the division of labor, and the use of family as a support 

system. These benefits make Structured Families more successful and prosperous on 

average than Provision level families. 

Starting at the Platform Stage 

If you were raised in a Provision level home, you may have no sense of how a 

Structured Family is supposed to work. All you may know is that some families in your 

community seem to be doing better than others. If you pay attention, you may see that 

members of Structured Families show loyalty to each other and put their family's needs 

ahead of their individual desires. You may notice how they nurture their children and 

train them to take on roles as they get older, that elders in those families are more 

respected, and that children are more valued.


Every successful Structured Family will have a code that establishes the duties 

and responsibilities of its members. If your family does not have such a code, you must 

build one. Look at successful families in your community for inspiration. What is their 

family code? How do they work together? What role does each person play? How do 

they respect each other? If you have an opportunity to ask them for advice, do so. You 

may also turn to religious scripture or philosophy to find advice and examples of the 

roles people should play in a good family or how different family members should be 

treated. Other role models may be found in history or fiction. For instance, multigenerational 

family sagas are a type of fiction that revolves around Structured Families. 

They may not provide the best examples of good behavior (which is what makes such 

stories interesting), but if you look past the drama, you will find many clues as to how 

these families work and what makes them successful. 

In training your children to occupy appropriate roles in your family, you have two 

main tools. First, you and your spouse should strive to be good role models to your 

children. Treat each other with respect. Be faithful and committed to each other. 

Demonstrate your willingness to set aside selfish desires and work for the benefit of the 

whole family. Let your children know they are valued. Children instinctively look up to 

their parents and will follow your example when they are grown. 

Second, use a combination of punishment and reward to train your children. 

Praise them or reward them when they try to fulfill their role and when they put the 

family's needs ahead of their own desires. Punish or chastise them when they 

misbehave, but try not to over-punish. Try to give them five times as much praise and 

rewards as you do punishment. This will make them want to please you as much as 

possible. 

We should note that the process of building a Structured Family is more difficult if


you are living in a community where the dominant level is Provision or Survival. This 

less likely in developed countries, but common in the rest of the world. In such a 

community, it will feel as though the world is constantly trying to undermine your efforts. 

There will be many temptations for everyone in the family to abandon or violate their 

proper roles. You may need to create a strong boundary between your family and the 

rest of the community. This may be an actual physical boundary, such as a wall or fence 

protecting your family home, or it may mean that your family code stipulates keeping 

your distance from outsiders. You may have a different code for how you behave in the 

outside world than you do among family. Family should be treated with far more respect 

than outsiders. Relationships in a Survival or Provision community may be temporary 

and cutthroat. Your ally today may be your enemy tomorrow and vice versa. But family 

must be forever. 

Construction 

If your family is in the construction phase, you were likely raised with an 

understanding of what roles people should play in the family. Your family probably had a 

code that was established by earlier generations and helped your family be strong in the 

past. 

At the same time, you are aware that your family is not as stable as it should be. 

The current generation may be failing to live up to the code. Certain members may not 

be fulfilling their role honorably, which makes others feel they can do the same. Some 

members may not be receiving the respect they are due. People who feel disrespected 

may in turn disrespect others. As a result, cooperation within the family is not as strong 

as it should be. 

Another problem that can arise at the construction stage is that the boundaries


between roles are being disrespected. In a stable Structured Family, everyone should 

fulfill their own role and not be asked to take on other people's roles except under 

exceptional circumstances. 

In a case where the family breadwinner loses their job, restoring the family 

income is that person's role. What he or she should not do is burden the children with 

his worries about the situation. Children must be shielded from problems they cannot 

solve--problems that are outside their role. At most, the parent can tell older children to 

find part-time work to help the family until the crisis is resolved. Otherwise, the parent's 

role is to reassure the children that all will be well while working to solve the problem. 

The same is true for problems such as marital infidelity or a parent struggling with 

addictions. Children need the reassurance that their parents will fulfill their roles. They 

should not be made to worry about adult problems they cannot solve. When a parent 

needs advice or emotional support, she should not seek it from her children. Instead, 

she should turn to appropriate sources, such as her own parents, grandparents, aunts, 

uncles, or siblings. If they are not available or helpful, she should consult other 

appropriate adults such as counselors, clergy, or friends. Children should only be 

concerned about problems appropriate to their role as children. 

Of course, situations may arise that you can't shield children from. Sometimes a 

parent abandons the family, dies, or suffers from a debilitating injury or illness that 

makes them unable to fulfill their role. This creates a hole in the family structure. It may 

undermine the family's stability on the Provision level and make it harder to build a 

stable Structured Family. 

Sometimes an older child will take over the role of an absent parent for the sake 

of the younger children or become the caregiver for a disabled parent. However, taking 

on an adult role can be very stressful for a child. It prevents her from fulfilling her own


proper role. Her relationship with siblings can be permanently altered. Some evidence 

suggests that such children can have health and relationship difficulties for the rest of 

their life. 4 

If possible, another adult should take over the role left vacant by an absent 

parent. Sometimes a grandparent, uncle, or aunt will volunteer to step into the role. 

Perhaps the family can hire a nanny to look after the children if one parent has died or 

become incapacitated. In other cases, the remaining parent may have to be both father 

and mother to the children. A widow or widower with children may consider looking for a 

new spouse who can take on the role of the former, assuming the culture allows for 

second marriages. However, finding a new spouse willing to take on a pre-existing 

family may be difficult. 

Setting aside the issue of tragedy, let's assume you are trying to shift your home 

to a more stable Structured Family environment. The task will be easier if you are the 

head of the family. If not, you may have to get the support of whoever is the head of the 

family. You may want to engage the services of a professional facilitator or family 

therapist. Either way, you will need to bring the family together to build a consensus on 

how to improve the family structure going forward. Here is the procedure... 

Step 1: Review the Family Code. 

Have a family discussion in which you ask the following questions. In this 

discussion, everyone regardless of their age needs to feel safe enough to speak freely 

4 Lamothe, Cindy, "When kids have to parent their siblings it 

affects them for life," The Atlantic, Oct. 26, 2017, 

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2017/10/when-kidshave-to-parent-their-siblings-it-affects-them-for-life/543975/


and to listen to what others say. 

1. What are the elements that make up the code of our family? What are the 

roles each member of the family is supposed to play? You may want to make a map or 

chart that shows everyone's proper role and duties according to their sex, age, birth 

order, or marital status. Along with this, you may note what relationships are supposed 

to be like between family members and the various types of respect each person is due 

because of their role. 

2. Where is the code being broken? How are people losing dignity or being 

disrespected? Who is failing to fulfill their role? Who is not doing right by others or the 

family? In this discussion, there may be many places where blame can be laid. It can be 

challenging for some family members to take responsibility for their failings. Often older 

or more powerful family members are inclined to put blame on younger, weaker 

members rather than themselves. Admitting failure may be perceived as breaking their 

role. For this reason, everyone should be encouraged to see this as a problem the 

whole family shares, rather than an attempt to find a scapegoat. 

Step 2: If the family was stronger in the past, recover what has been forgotten. 

Once the problems have been identified, the next step will be to consider if things 

were better in previous generations. If so, you will want to restore the family code to its 

former effectiveness. Everyone should ponder the following question: What parts of the 

family code were good and effective once but have been forgotten or neglected in 

recent years? 

Everyone should be invited to imagine what things were like when the code was 

being followed properly--when people fulfilled their roles and everyone in the family 

received the respect and dignity they deserved. In this discussion, different people may


remember different parts of the code that were abandoned. The goal of the 

conversation is to gain a complete and clear sense of the code and what aspects need 

to be restored. 

Step 3: Make a plan. 

Once everyone agrees what parts of the family code need to be restored, the 

final step is to make a plan to restore them. Everyone should see this as an opportunity 

to improve relationships and strengthen the family. Everyone needs to know what they 

must do to better fulfill their role. The plan should include a way to give help and support 

to those who need it. Everyone may need encouragement from the rest of the family to 

make the needed changes. Start with small changes and when they become habits add 

more until the code is being followed well and the family is happier and more 

successful. 

Step 4: What if the code no longer works? 

Some families may be suffering from a code that worked well when it was 

created but does not fit with the world they are living in at present. This is often true with 

families who emigrate to a new community with different laws and customs. It is 

especially true if the new community operates at a higher level. Often the younger 

people--those who have grown up in the new community--will perceive the 

shortcomings of the family code and may become frustrated when their elders insist 

they follow it. 

If you are one of the younger people, you must recognize that families cannot 

instantly switch to a higher level to match a new community. Such a change often takes 

several generations. However, it may be possible to adjust the family code in ways that


make the family stronger in the new situation. 

The procedure will be like the one above, except that in Step 2, instead of 

focusing on restoring the code, the question to ask is: Are there ways we could modify 

or improve the code to help our family become more successful? In some cases, things 

that were traditionally done in the old country may be illegal in the new country. 

Continuing with these traditions could get family members into trouble with the law. Or 

there may be traditional practices that are frowned upon in the new country. Either way, 

the family will be in a better position to succeed if these practices are updated. 

To take an example, imagine a family coming from a community where the 

traditional role for girls was to spend their days at home doing household chores. If the 

family moves to a country where girls are expected to go to school each day, the 

traditional roles may need to be adjusted. Perhaps the family can use some laborsaving 

technologies, services, or practices that free up time so the girls can attend 

school. Or perhaps the responsibility for doing chores needs to be redistributed among 

family members. The code may need to be changed so that doing well in school and 

using their education to help the family becomes part of the role girls play. 

Similarly, perhaps the role of boys in the old country included doing chores on 

the farm, but now the family lives in a city where boys can't fulfill that role. The boys may 

need to be given different chores so they can continue to make a valuable contribution-- 

and so they can feel proud of their contribution. Perhaps there are skills that would help 

the family thrive in the new community. The code may be changed so that learning 

these skills becomes part of the role boys play. 

You will know you have built a stable Structured Family when the family is 

prosperous, everyone feels they are making a valuable contribution, and everyone 

receives respect from the rest of the family.



Chapter 20: Building a Fellowship Home 

Let's assume a child is born into an environment where her needs on the Survival 

and Provision levels are met. Moreover, she has parents who value her and give her 

place in the family hierarchy. She learns to respect her elders, and her elders serve as 

protectors and role models who she can aspire to be like when older. 

At a certain point, generally after a child starts school but before the onset of 

puberty, she will develop the capacity to go beyond just doing what she is told. She will 

seek to understand her environment in a more complex way. She will want to know why 

her parents tell her to do certain things and forbid her from doing other things. She may 

ask a lot of "why" questions as part of her process of figuring out how the world works 

and the logic behind her parents' decisions and demands. During this period, she is 

developing new faculty within her psyche--the ability to create mental models of the 

world and use those models to predict the consequences of her actions and decisions. 

The better a child understands the rationale behind her parents demands and 

decisions, the better she can predict whether something she wants to do will earn 

praise, punishment, or indifference. At first, she won't be very good at predicting her 

parents' reactions. She may simply do things on impulse. How her parents respond to 

what she does will then make an impression on her. As she gains experience, she will


try to figure out the rules and her ability to predict her parents' reactions will increase. 

She will also discover how free she is--how many things she can do without getting her 

parents angry. As a child comes to know her limits, she also learns that, by working 

within those limits, she can make plans, and accomplish goals she sets for herself. In 

other words, she will develop more of what sociologists call agency, the ability to act 

independently and make free choices. Agency is a great source of happiness and 

success for individuals of any age, and developing it as a child prepares a person to 

lead a happier life as an adult. 

If a child's environment operates at the Structured Family level or lower, she will 

experience a good deal of frustration at this age. While she is gaining the ability and 

desire to exercise agency, her parents may prevent her from doing so. Parents in a 

Structured Family often act on irrational impulses, which makes it difficult for a child to 

predict her parents’ behavior. Something a child is allowed to do one day may be 

forbidden the next, and vice versa. Something that brings praise one day will result in 

punishment another day. Her parents may make decisions and later change their 

minds, grant privileges and then take them away. 

As a parent raised in a Structured Family, you may also find this phase of a 

child's life frustrating. You may not like it when your child tries to predict your decisions 

or gets upset when you change your mind. You may feel it's not a child's place to hold 

you accountable. Your child's role is simply to do what you tell her, when you tell her. 

You don't know what decision you will make tomorrow, because you don't know how 

you will feel tomorrow, and your child needs to understand that and respect you. 

A child raised in a Structured Family may be stymied in her effort to understand 

her world in a way that makes it predictable. She may conclude that the world is 

unpredictable, and that it really doesn't matter what actions she takes, because most


actions have an equal chance of resulting in punishment, depending on her parents' 

mood. She may grow up to be an adult with little capacity for agency, or who acts on 

impulses regardless of the potential consequences. A child who grows up in a 

Structured Family home may give up on the idea of pursuing her own goals and 

dreams. She may never develop the self-discipline needed to see long-term plans 

through to completion. Instead, she may limit herself to participating in the family's longterm 

goals. She may conclude that only powerful people (like her parents) get to do 

what they want. As an adult, she may pursue power and dominance so she can be free 

to act on her impulses without fear of punishment. 

On the other hand, if a child is raised in a Fellowship environment with consistent 

structure and rules, she will come to understand the rules of that environment and feel 

secure within them. She will learn she can trust the rules to provide her with both clear 

limits and the freedom to act and make plans within those limits. This will help her 

develop the capacity for agency. 

To take a small example, Eric had a client who was in the process of forming a 

family with a man who had custody of an eleven-year-old daughter from a previous 

marriage. Eric's client loved this man and his daughter, but there was there was one 

problem. 

The daughter had a cell phone and was constantly begging to be allowed to 

spend more time on it. The father, on the other hand, thought his daughter was using 

her phone too much and was constantly threatening to take the phone away. Every day 

there would be loud arguments in the home between the father and daughter over how 

much time she would be allowed on her phone. Eric's client felt she could not stand 

living in a home where there was constant drama over what to her was a trivial issue. 

Eric pointed out that, as an executive in a big company, his client had a lot of


experience creating procedures for employees that minimized stress and conflict. He 

suggested she use her skills to work out a set of rules for the household that would end 

the fighting. 

The woman took Eric's advice, sat down with the father and his daughter, and got 

them to agree to follow some rules that seemed fair to everyone. The daughter would 

be allowed a fixed number of minutes on her cell phone each day, but if she went 

overtime or asked for more time, she would lose her phone time the following day. As 

for the father, he was not allowed to take away his daughter's phone or threaten to take 

it away, provided she followed the rules. 

Naturally, it took several weeks for this new rule-based environment to become 

established. However, the results were excellent. The daughter enjoyed the security 

and freedom of knowing she could use her cell phone every day, as long as she stayed 

within her time limit. The father, on the other hand, was satisfied there was an 

acceptable restriction on his daughter’s phone time and was happy she stopped 

pestering him for more. As for Eric's client, she was glad to see the fighting stop and the 

home become an environment she could enjoy living in. 

The incident illustrates the advantage of creating a rule-based environment. 

When everyone agrees to the rules, conflicts diminish and everyone can enjoy greater 

freedom and security. Of course, for everyone to stay in agreement with the rules, the 

rules must be fair. They must be followed consistently, and they must apply to 

everyone. In the example above, if the father had refused to follow the rules and 

continued to threaten to take his daughter's phone away, his daughter would have not 

felt secure in her phone privileges. She would have lost her incentive to follow the rules 

and the fighting would have continued. 

In a Structured Family, the parents might have chosen to impose harsher


punishments until the daughter complied with their demands, and those demands might 

have been different each day. But, as we said above, that approach comes with a cost. 

It would prevent the daughter from developing her ability to exercise agency, which 

would have made it harder for her to be happy and successful both as a child and an 

adult. 

Establishing Rules 

If you, as a parent, were raised in a home that was stable on the Fellowship 

level, you will have a much easier time establishing a set of rules for your home that are 

fair, consistent, and provide a sense of both security and freedom for your child. Most 

likely, the rewards and punishments you gave your child when she was a toddler were 

based on a set of rules that you consciously or unconsciously had in mind. There was a 

method behind your actions and decisions, even when your child was too young to 

understand them. 

When your child starts asking why she must do or not do certain things, you will 

have ready answers. You will teach your child the rules and what punishments and 

rewards she can expect as she becomes ready to learn them. And you will set an 

example of following the rules through your own behavior. In this way, you can help 

your child build her own mental model of how her world works so she can predict how 

you will react to things she does and learn to keep herself safe by staying within the 

rules. She will also develop a sense of her own freedoms and rights. 

Most likely, the rules you teach your child will align with the rules of your 

community. As she learns to follow the rules, she will be well equipped to interact with 

children from other families who she meets at school or other community gatherings. 

Knowing the rules will give your child the ability to make plans with the


confidence that her plans won't be derailed by chaotic events. For example, you may 

choose to give your child a weekly allowance, which she can spend however she likes. 

This has traditionally been a good practice in Fellowship homes, because it means 

children don't have to continually ask their parents to buy them small treats. It gives 

them the freedom to choose what to buy, while also limiting their spending. (Of course, 

this system only works if your child has regular opportunities to visit a store or shop 

online.) Along with this, there must be a rule that your child's money belongs to her. 

Neither her parents nor her older siblings can take it away from her arbitrarily. With such 

rules in place, your child may choose to save her money to buy something expensive. 

This helps her develop the discipline to set long-term goals and achieve them, which is 

a valuable life skill. 

If you were raised in an unstable Fellowship home, you probably have a sense of 

what rules children need to learn and could list some of them off the top of your head. 

However, it may be worthwhile to spend some time thinking about what rules your 

parents set for you that were good, which ones were unfair or not so good, and what 

rules perhaps should have been in place that weren't. You may also want to think about 

whether your family's current lifestyle requires somewhat different rules. You may want 

to consult sources such as religion, the law, medical science, and psychology for advice 

on creating good rules for your children. The rules may fall into categories such as: 

* Safety (e.g., "Look both ways before you cross the street. Don't accept rides 

from strangers."). 

* Health (e.g., "Brush your teeth after each meal. Be in bed by a set time each 

night."). 

* Life Skills (e.g., "Do your chores to earn screen time. Finish your homework 

before play.").


* Social Skills/Morals (e.g., "Share. Say 'Please' and 'Thank you.' Don't hit 

people. Tell the truth."). 

Naturally, the rules need to be appropriate to the age of each child. Younger 

children may have less ability to follow rules and a greater need for rules to keep them 

safe. You can teach your first-born child the appropriate rules when she becomes 

capable of following them. By the time other children come along, the ruleset will be well 

established in the family. Some rules, such as bedtimes, may change as children get 

older, but there should still be a clear rule about this (e.g., perhaps a child's bedtime 

increases by a set amount after each birthday). 

Parents also need rules to help them be good parents. Some families and 

cultures have traditional rules that are worth preserving. Examples of these include, 

"Meet children's needs before the desires of adults," "A crying baby should be picked up 

and soothed," and "Never punish a child when you're angry. Calm down first." Additional 

rules can be decided on by parents or the whole family, as in the above example 

regarding cell phone use. 

Some Tips for Creating Rules 

The rules you create for your household need to be easy to understand and 

follow. They should be: 

1. Concrete, not vague. It should be clear to everyone whether a rule has been 

followed. For instance, a rule like "tidy up after yourself," can be interpreted different 

ways. It is better to have specific rules like, "put the game back in its box when you've 

finished playing" or "put all dirty clothes in the hamper after you take them off." 

2. About specific behaviors, not feelings or attitudes. "Don't have an attitude," 

would be a poor rule because you can't know what someone is thinking or feeling, so


you can't tell if the rule being followed. A better rule would be "Don't slam doors." 

Similarly, a rule like "Be grateful when someone gives you something," is too vague. A 

better rule would be, "When someone gives you something, look them in the eye and 

say, 'thank you' in a quiet voice." 

3. Introduced one at a time. It's best to introduce one new rule and make sure it 

is well established before you introduce the next. Children can be overwhelmed by too 

many new rules at once. 

4. Fair. Fairness is a complex concept to define, but most children and adults can 

spot certain types of unfairness that should be avoided when making rules. For 

instance, making a rule for someone that is impossible for them to follow is unfair. A rule 

might also be unfair if the burden of following it outweighs its benefits. A rule that gives 

one child more rights or privileges than another who is close in age would be unfair. 

Also, a degree of reciprocity can help the rules of a home seem fairer. For instance, 

parents will forbid their children from doing many things. Children, in turn, may want a 

rule like, "Parents aren't allowed to yell." A set of rules that addresses both parents and 

children's concerns feels fairer. 

Enforcement of Rules 

Children at this age usually like rules and routines because it gives them the 

security of knowing how the world works. This is especially true for children just getting 

out of the toddler stage. Getting young children to follow rules may be as simple as 

telling them what the rules are and reminding them when necessary until following the 

rules becomes a habit. With older children, you can explain to them the reasons for the 

rules. The more they see that the rules make sense and are fair, the more willing they 

will be to follow them.


Using punishments and rewards to get children to obey the rules may be 

necessary, especially when a child has a strong impulse to do something that breaks 

the rules. But as always, rewards for good behavior (which can be as simple as praise) 

should be given more often than punishments for bad behavior. Try to give five rewards 

for every punishment. Also, try to be consistent when enforcing the rules, so your child 

can predict what will happen and learn that she can avoid punishment by staying within 

the rules. 

The biggest challenge for parents who were raised at anything below a stable 

Fellowship level is to follow the rules themselves. Children will look to their parents as 

role models. They will notice how often you follow or break the rules and use your 

example to guide their own behavior. For example, if you teach your children that they 

should answer when spoken to, and then they see you ignoring your spouse's attempts 

to get your attention, this may confuse them. They may conclude that rules don't apply 

to powerful people, which is the opposite of the lesson you want them to learn. At the 

Fellowship level, children need to see that the rules apply to everyone, so parents need 

to set a good example. 

If you want your child to apologize when she does something wrong to someone, 

then you should apologize when you do something wrong to her. This will not only teach 

her the value of forgiveness, it will show her that no one is above the rules. The lesson 

will be reinforced if she sees you and your spouse apologize to each other for breaking 

rules. 

Make sure you are consistent in the way you administer punishments. Let's say 

you make a rule that says, if a child does a certain action, she will receive a certain 

punishment. But on the day she breaks the rule, you are in a bad mood or for some 

reason the infraction angers you. If you give in to the impulse to lash out and punish her


worse than the rule dictates, you are teaching her that the world is chaotic and the rules 

offer no protection. If you find yourself becoming upset with your child, take some time 

to calm down and reflect before you administer punishment. Make sure the child 

understands what she did wrong and can see that the rules are being fairly applied. 

Make sure the punishment teaches the lesson without being excessive. 

In the same manner, try not to invent or change rules arbitrarily. Such actions 

can undermine the gift of a Fellowship upbringing by showing the child that she doesn't 

understand how her world works. If she can't predict what will happen based on the 

rules, then the rules are not rules, and following them will not keep her safe. 

Again, there may be somewhat different rules for older children than their 

younger siblings, because children of different ages have different needs and 

capabilities. To make the rules fair, you may need to make clear to the younger children 

that, when they are older, they will receive the same privileges their older siblings 

currently enjoy. Being born first or second doesn't mean a child has more or fewer rights 

than her sibling. 

To take another example, let's say you establish with your first child that breaking 

a certain rule results in punishment. But by the time your second child comes along, you 

have changed your mind and decided the rule was too harsh or unnecessary, so the 

second child gets away with doing things the first child was not allowed to do or even 

punished for. The first child may feel this is unfair. If you don't address her feelings, she 

may conclude that the rules do not apply to everyone as promised. Worse, she may feel 

you are upending the hierarchy by giving her younger sibling more power (the ability to 

get away with something). She may feel you are assigning her a lower status than the 

baby. Of course, as your parenting experience grows, you may see the need to revise 

or rescind rules. But when this happens, you may need to find a way to apologize or


make it up to the first child. 

Community 

To raise your children at the Fellowship level, your family needs to be part of a 

community, a Fellowship of families who share the same beliefs and rules. Usually this 

will be a religious congregation, but you may also choose to join secular groups, cultural 

fellowships, school communities, social movements, and many other groups that can 

function as Fellowships. A neighborhood or town in which everyone knows each other 

can function as a Fellowship community. What matters is that a Fellowship aims to 

create a safe environment in which to raise children, one that is governed by fair rules 

and good values. 

One challenge you may face is that people outside your Fellowship may have 

different beliefs and values. They may also want to raise their children well, but their 

approach may be different. The language they use to express their values and the rules 

they follow may be different. As a parent, you want your child to see that the rules are 

consistent. You may worry that your child will get confused if she is exposed to families 

who are part of a different Fellowship and operate under a different set of rules. What if 

she concludes the rules are arbitrary or that people have the freedom to create their 

own rules? If the rules aren't the same everywhere, will she be more tempted to break 

the rules? Will exposure to people with different beliefs undermine your child's faith in 

the beliefs your community shares? The greatest challenge people face in a Fellowship 

environment is to make themselves follow the rules in all situations, rather than act on 

their impulses. Too much exposure to other Fellowships may not be good for your 

children. 

You will need to strike the right balance between the time your child spends


interacting with people outside your Fellowship, where her beliefs may be challenged, 

and the time she spends interacting with members of her Fellowship, who can reinforce 

her beliefs. You may choose to send your children to a school or camp operated by your 

Fellowship, where she can learn good values. But you may also want her to have some 

experiences outside her Fellowship, so she can learn how to thrive in the world and 

resist temptations as an adult. 

When Parents Were Raised at a Higher Level 

If you, as a parent, were raised in an Individuality home, you may have a 

particular challenge during this period when your child needs a Fellowship environment. 

Adults raised at the Individuality level often have an instinctive dislike of Fellowship 

environments, with their rigid rules, intrusiveness, and intolerance of individuality. You 

may not feel comfortable setting up an environment based on rules, with a high degree 

of order and consistency. You may feel it is more important to give your child an 

environment where she can develop her individuality as soon as possible. You may 

want to assure her that the rules are flexible and that it's okay if she doesn't follow the 

same strict rules at home as you want her to in public. You may want her to know that 

the spirit of the rules, the intention behind them, matters more than the literal meaning 

of the rules. 

The problem is, to a child at this age, the idea that the rules are flexible and don't 

have to be followed exactly means "there are no rules." And if there are no rules, she 

will have a hard time knowing how to follow the rules. She won't experience the security 

that a rule-based environment provides. When the rules are "flexible," she may be 

unable to predict whether something she wants to do will get her praised or punished. 

She may do something that breaks a rule, because she thinks you meant the rules don't


have to be followed and then be upset when you punish her for it. The punishment won't 

feel fair. 

At this age, your child may not understand the differences between public and 

private spaces. She may behave in public in ways you allow her to behave at home and 

get punished for doing so. She may do something that obeys the rule, but violates the 

spirit of the rule, and get in trouble for it. These events will be confusing and upsetting 

for her. The result will be that the child experiences an environment much closer to the 

unpredictability of the Structured Family level than the Individuality level--the opposite of 

your intent and what she needs. 

Of course, rules can make allowances for some individual differences. For 

instance, if a school has a rule that children in wheelchairs are allowed to use the staff 

elevator, but other children must use the stairs, most children will see that is fair. On the 

other hand, if a rule says children in wheelchairs get ice cream, but other children do 

not, most children will see that as unfair. A more difficult scenario is if children with 

ADHD are allowed to use fidget spinners or exercise bikes in a classroom to help them 

focus better. Many children without ADHD enjoy playing with such tools and might feel it 

unfair if the rules don’t allow them an occasional turn. In all cases, rules must pass the 

test of fairness and they must be clearly spelled out. 

However, provided the rules are clear and fair, most children in their early school 

years thrive in a Fellowship environment. They may not yet understand or desire the 

features of an Individuality environment. That will come later. But they love knowing the 

rules and having freedom to exercise agency within the safe space the rules create. 

Later, when they are teenagers or pre-teens, they may want a refuge from adult 

supervision in which to explore their individuality, but at this age children usually like 

being supervised by adults who keep things orderly. They don't have a problem with


parental intrusiveness. They like seeing that their world is predictable, because that 

means they can understand it. Experiencing a rules-based environment during this time 

of a child's life will give her a sense of security and agency that will prepare her to 

develop her individuality when she is older. 

Shifting Power 

You will notice that a big difference between the Fellowship level and the lower 

levels is that, at the Fellowship level, parents give up a little of their authority. The rules 

become the authority in many cases, and children have more rights than they do in 

lower-level environments. Parents are still in charge. They still set and enforce the rules, 

but they are not tyrants. 

If you were raised in a Fellowship home at the platform stage, your parents 

probably had a hard time setting, enforcing, and following the rules. The rules in your 

home may not have been well thought out. They may have been vague, inconsistent, 

too harsh, or too lenient. Your parents may have broken rules or applied them unfairly. 

You or some of your siblings may have gotten away with things that others were 

punished for, or perhaps not been rewarded as much as others. 

Sometimes the experience of growing up at the platform stage can make you 

determined to be a better parent. If you were treated unfairly as a child, you may 

appreciate the importance of being fair with your own children. Regardless, it may still 

be struggle for you to keep your impulses in check and follow the rules. If your parents 

did not set a great example of self-discipline, you may not have learned this skill 

yourself. You may need time and practice to get good at following and enforcing rules. 

You may have to go through a process of fine-tuning the rules, especially if they are out 

of step with the community you are living in (this often happens with families who have


immigrated). You may have to work hard to control your own urges to break the rules. 

You may have to resist being too strict or too lenient with your child. You may have to 

apologize when you fail. It may help if you have a partner who can support you in this, 

or if you join a support group for parents working on the same issues. 

If you can teach your children a good set of rules at this age, enforce them fairly 

consistently, and set a reasonably good example with your own behavior, you will 

create an environment that is at least at the construction phase of the Fellowship level. 

Your children will grow up knowing right from wrong, good behavior from bad behavior, 

responsibility from irresponsibility. They will be happier and more secure, with the ability 

to make long-term plans and a stronger sense of agency. This will prepare them to be 

good members of the community, good co-workers, and good parents themselves.


Chapter 21: Building an Individuality Home 

If a child is raised in a Fellowship environment, one that consistently meets her 

needs on the Survival, Provision, and Structured Family levels, as well as being 

governed by a set of rules that make it orderly and predictable, she will enjoy a level of 

security and freedom far above what children have experienced on average both 

historically and globally. Nonetheless, as your child matures and enters puberty, you 

may discover that she becomes less satisfied living in a Fellowship environment. 

Formerly, she may have derived her sense of identity from the groups she belongs to-- 

her family, her school, her religious congregation, or her community. Now, as she 

begins a new era of her life, she may desire to develop a stronger sense of her identity 

as someone who, while still part of these groups, is also a unique individual with her 

own desires, feelings, traits, and opinions. While formerly she may have enjoyed living 

in an environment based on rules and order, now she may also desire a private space 

in which she can make her own rules and create her own order. 

As with the previous levels, a child cannot move into this next stage of 

development if her environment does not support it. If her parents and her community 

operate on the Fellowship level, a child seeking to develop her individuality may 

experience a lot of conflict. Fellowship communities generally do not tolerate ideas and


behaviors that deviate far from the established rules. Moreover, parents at the 

Fellowship level consider it their job to mold their child's beliefs and behavior into 

conformity with the group and to enforce rules by supervising her to the point of 

intrusiveness. This style of parenting may continue until the child is at least eighteen 

and perhaps much older than that. When a child reaches the age where she wants to 

explore her individuality, Fellowship parents may see this as a threat to their effort to 

determine the kind of person their child grows up to be. They may see her expressions 

of individuality as something to be curtailed. A lot of arguments between parents and 

children can happen at this age as parents try to maintain control over their child. 

Bear in mind not every child has an equal desire to develop her individuality. 

Some children find enough fulfillment through their identity as a member of their 

Fellowship and may never desire to move beyond this level. Some children may prefer 

the certainty provided by a rule-based environment to the uncertainty that comes with of 

self-exploration. They may be uncomfortable with the greater personal responsibility 

that comes with Individuality and making their own rules. Other children may experience 

internal conflict between their desire to explore their individuality and their desire to 

please their parents and remain part of the Fellowships they have enjoyed. They may 

feel guilt or shame over the fact that some of their emerging feelings and thoughts are 

out line with what their parents or their community expect from them. In either case, 

some children will try to avoid external conflict with their parents. They may suppress or 

decline to explore their individuality. 

As a result, some children raised in Fellowship homes never develop a strong 

sense of self. For their entire lives, their identity may be derived exclusively from the 

groups they belong to--their family, their co-workers, and their community. To feel 

secure and okay with themselves, they strive to conform with the rules of those groups.


A minority of children raised in Fellowship homes develop a sense of self when 

they are much older. A child might postpone exploring her individuality until she is in an 

environment that offers her greater freedom--perhaps while in college--and before she 

has shouldered a lot of adult responsibilities. Some young adults choose to spend 

months or even years traveling or in living arrangements where they are free from family 

responsibilities and can explore their interests with as few potential consequences as 

possible. 

Sometimes a young person will do everything her parents expect of her. She 

may get an education, establish a good career, marry the right person, and have 

children. Then, many years later, she may experience a setback such as a divorce, loss 

of employment, physical or mental illness, a "mid-life crisis," or some other disruption in 

her life that prompts her to reexamine the beliefs she was taught. Her disappointment 

with her life may weaken her attachment to the rules she grew up with. She may decide 

the rules didn't work for her. Being an adult at this point, she can find opportunities to 

explore her thoughts and feelings in new ways without risking or caring about the 

disapproval of her parents or her social circles. Such explorations may lead her to a 

new sense of identity and a revised set of priorities. 

On the other hand, if a child is raised by parents who themselves were raised in 

an Individuality home or have a strong sense of self, they are likely to support her in 

developing her individuality earlier in life, when she is still living in the safety of the 

family home. This sense of self will prepare her to make better choices as she moves 

into adulthood. She can say "yes" to options that align with her preferences and "no" to 

options that do not. She will be less likely to make choices she will later regret and more 

likely to take advantage of opportunities that lead her to a happy and successful life.


The Moratorium 

One of the best ways a parent can support a pre-teen or older child who is ready 

to begin exploring her individuality is to give her the freedom to have what psychologist 

Erik Erickson calls a "moratorium." Let us explain why this is so important. 

In a Fellowship environment, rules define which beliefs, behaviors, and feelings 

are acceptable and which are not. Parents teach children the rules in their home and 

enforce them through rewards and punishments. Communities will also have overt rules 

and ways of enforcing them. 

In addition, groups have rules that may not be openly discussed but are 

nonetheless enforced through various feedback mechanisms. For example, in any 

social setting, most adults can tell if they have made a faux pas (said or done something 

that breaks a rule) by the negative reactions of the people around them. These 

reactions can take different forms, some of which are quite subtle. Similarly, people will 

react positively when someone says or does something the group approves of. 

Compliments, praise, and other positive signals are used to shape people's behavior 

within groups as much as criticism, derision, or rejection. When a person enters a social 

group that is new to her, she can discover the rules of the group and learn to conform 

by paying attention to the social cues being given off all around her. 

Children, just like adults, learn to conform to the rules of any group by following 

social cues. At the age when they are entering puberty, children's emerging desire to 

explore and express their individuality often conflicts with their need to be "members in 

good standing" of various groups. Some of these groups are governed by their elders, 

such as family, school, religion, or sports teams. Children and teens will also form peer 

groups not governed by adults that may allow some different forms of expression. 

Regardless, adolescent peer groups are still groups. Like any Fellowship, they create


rules about what opinions, styles of dress, behaviors, or activities deserve approval or 

disapproval. Teens often feel more pressure to conform with the rules of their peer 

group than to the rules of adult-governed groups. 

While all social groups need to establish and enforce rules, rules also limit the 

members' ability to explore or express their individuality. A child who is constantly in one 

social setting or another must stay focused on maintaining the approval of her group. In 

a Fellowship home, she cannot disobey or contradict her parents without being 

punished or chastised. At school, she must follow the rules and earn the approval of 

teachers. While in a group of her peers, she must make her opinions, interests, or 

preferences conform to what her group will approve or risk being shunned. A child 

whose deviant behavior causes her to be rejected by her friends can experience 

insecurity, unworthiness, guilt, or shame. Conformity can take so much effort and 

attention that children may have little opportunity to discover their individuality, let alone 

express it. 

To develop and express her individuality, a child must separate herself from all 

social groups, at least for some of the time. She needs to escape from the cues that 

would otherwise influence her actions and opinions. In a private space, where she has 

only her own feelings and thoughts to listen to, she can pursue her own interests. She 

can stop worrying what other people think and start discovering what she thinks. 

A moratorium is a retreat into a private space away from social influences and 

demands. Obviously, a child living under the care of her parents cannot be a hermit. But 

to develop her sense of self, a child needs opportunities to withdraw to a private space. 

For instance, she might spend an hour each evening in her room, after she's done her 

homework (or after her parents think she is asleep), immersed in new thoughts or 

hobbies. Or she might confine herself to her room on weekend mornings and ask not to


be disturbed. She might start spending less time in the family room and more time by 

herself in another part of the house. She might spend free periods at school in a private 

corner of the library rather than hanging out with friends. She might take up solitary 

activities such as reading, writing, music, art, or crafts. At any rate, she will enjoy finding 

some private spaces where the only voices she hears are her own feelings, thoughts, 

and impulses--where she can do what she wants and express herself without anyone 

commenting. 

As a parent, you may notice when your child enters this period of her 

development because she will be less interested in participating in social activities she 

used to enjoy. You may have no idea what she does when she is alone, because she 

won't tell you. She may resent adult supervision and want to spend less time with 

siblings. She may grow less willing to talk with her parents, because such conversations 

are full of the social cues she is trying to avoid. 

As a parent, you can support your child in creating her moratorium by respecting 

her privacy and not intruding upon her private times and spaces. If possible, arrange for 

her to have her own bedroom in which no one is allowed without her permission. She 

may start to develop new interests during this period and ask for things to help her 

indulge those interests. As long her interests are not dangerous to herself or others, let 

her have what she needs to pursue them. Try not to question her about what she is 

doing. She may not want to talk about it, and for good reason. 

In some respects, a moratorium resembles a process of building a "secret 

garden" where a child's individuality can be born and nurtured. In the beginning, the 

garden may be nothing--just a walled off space. But over time, as the child cultivates 

and nourishes the interests that come from within, letting them take root in this private 

space, they may grow into something remarkable and unexpected. The child may


emerge from this period with new skills, a new sense of purpose, or new confidence in 

herself. 

Secrecy is important when creating such a garden. If parents, siblings, friends, or 

others intrude upon the garden while it is still in the formative stages, their reactions will 

be social cues that can crush the fragile seedlings being nurtured there. It does not 

matter whether people's reactions are positive or negative. Any opinion or reaction from 

someone else can contaminate the project, because these reactions will contain social 

cues that can influence the behavior of the person who receives them. A secret garden 

only has value when it can grow with no outside influences. It must be entirely the 

child's creation, based on her own feelings. No one else should interfere. Parents must 

exercise patience and respect their child's privacy. They must not comment on her 

activities or question her about them. The moratorium may last a few months or a few 

years. The length will vary for each child. Regardless, it will be time well spent. 

As the child continues her private activities, she will be building a stronger sense 

of self. She will be learning about her own preferences and values, about who she is as 

a person. Eventually, the child may decide to show her parents or selected friends the 

garden she has been cultivating. She may have creations (including her newly 

discovered authentic self) to reveal. But she should only reveal them when she feels her 

creations are strong enough to withstand other people's opinions without being crushed 

or altered. She should not be made to reveal her creations. If she doesn't feel ready to 

share them with her parents, then her parents must accept that. She may change her 

mind later, or she might not. Perhaps her garden will always remain secret, and that's 

okay. 

The stronger a child's sense of self becomes during the moratorium, the better it 

will guide her decision-making as she moves into adulthood. The child will emerge with


what psychologists call an "internal locus of control." She will know who she is and be 

prepared to exercise a higher level of agency than children do at the Fellowship level. 

She will be equipped to balance her individual preferences and needs with the demands 

of her family and community. She will be more in control of her life. 

Other Ways to Nurture Your Child's Individuality 

In addition to supporting your child's moratorium when she wants one, you can 

take several measures when she is younger that will prepare her to acquire a sense of 

self. Note that these measures are not intended to undermine the rule-based 

environment younger children need, but simply to include a little more Individuality 

within that environment... 

1. Let children make choices. 

As a parent, you will make many decisions for the good of your family, beginning 

even before your first child is born. And you will continue making important decisions 

until your children are grown. However, you should look for opportunities to let your 

children make choices that are appropriate for their age and do not violate any of the 

rules you feel are important. Some examples... 

* You make a rule that your three-year-old son must put on clean clothes each 

day, but on most days you let him decide what color shirt to wear. 

* You decide your nine-year-old daughter needs a new backpack for school, but 

out of the ones you find acceptable, you let her choose the one she likes best. 

* You want your children to participate in after-school activities, but you let them 

choose whether to take soccer, ballet, science camp, or piano. 

* You take your children to the library regularly, because you want to encourage


them to read, but you let them choose their own books. 

The older your children get, the more choices they will want to make, and the 

more choice you can allow them. You should resist the urge to limit their choices too 

narrowly, except for reasons of safety. Making choices helps children develop a sense 

of their own preferences. Sometimes they may make choices you wouldn't, and that's 

fine if it doesn't break the rules. Sometimes they will make choices they regret, and that 

is a learning experience that will help them make better choices next time. 

2. Let children have time and space to themselves. 

As with choices, the amount of privacy children get will depend on their age. 

Once children are toilet-trained and can take their own baths safely, they deserve 

bathroom privacy. If possible, children old enough to be in school (and certainly once 

they are teenagers) should have their own room. 

While small children need to be supervised by adults to ensure their safety, older 

children can enjoy safe spaces where they can play or pursue their own interests with 

less supervision. Safe spaces can include their bedroom, a wreck room, a playhouse, or 

a fenced-in backyard. Teenagers can enjoy more freedom to stay home while their 

parents are out or go places on their own. 

Books and after-school programs are also ways for children to pursue private 

interests. Books are a safe way for children to enter a world of thought separate from 

their daily lives. An after-school program can be something a child does that her school 

friends do not, an opportunity to participate in a group that shares a special interest that 

others don't. Other safe spaces for children can include diaries, sketch books, 

backpacks, school lockers, closets, electronic devices that record data, or other storage 

areas where they can keep or make things no one else can see.


In addition to safe spaces where they can enjoy freedom from surveillance, you 

can give children time to themselves. In a Fellowship home, children are often kept so 

busy with school, after-school activities, homework, and chores that they have little time 

to do what they want. This can keep children from getting into mischief in an 

environment where impulse control is a challenge. But in an Individuality home, you 

want to allow your children some freedom each day to pursue their own interests. 

Naturally, the amount of unstructured time a child wants will vary with her age and 

personality. Young children may not want as much free time. Teens going through a 

moratorium may want an hour or more every day. 

Studies have shown that nightly homework does very little to improve the 

academic performance of young children, but it can deprive them of precious time they 

could spend with family, friends, in outdoor activities, or pursuing their own interests. 

Some evidence suggests that shorter school hours are better for children than longer 

ones--because it gives them time for other experiences. In an Individuality home, 

children may need to find a healthy balance among the different ways of spending time, 

one that they find enjoyable rather than stressful. 

Children often benefit from being given more unstructured time than they initially 

want. A child used to having all her time structured by adults might get bored when she 

is first given free time. But boredom does not last. A child with nothing to do will 

eventually think of something to do that interests her, and that will contribute to her 

developing sense of self. 

3. Restrict children's access to social media. 

Many parents worry about how to regulate their children's Internet activity. On the 

one hand, the Internet has become a primary educational tool. It also gives children an


opportunity to explore their own interests. Reading a variety of topics and opinions gives 

them fodder for developing their own interests and beliefs. Connecting online with 

others that share their feelings and interests can support them in building a group 

identity. On the other hand, things posted on social media can be too public. The 

Internet can expose children in ways that are unsafe. Misinformation is a serious 

problem as well. All children need to be taught how to protect themselves in the online 

world. 

In a Fellowship home, the task of regulating children's online activity is easier. 

You simply don't allow children privacy. You check your child's browsing history, read 

her social media posts, demand she share all her passwords, insist she only visits 

websites you approve of, etc. These practices help keep your child safe. 

At the Individuality level, an older child who is discovering her preferences and 

interests may need the freedom and privacy to visit a website and explore a topic she is 

curious about. Maybe it will interest her; maybe it won't. If she sees something once, 

she may not want to tell her parents and get a lengthy lecture or discussion about it, 

especially if she has already decided it's not for her. On the other hand, she may 

discover a topic she wants to explore further and doesn't want to hear her parents' 

views on it until she has settled on her own opinion. As we said above, other people's 

opinions can interfere with a teenager's process of developing a sense of self. 

Parents also need to be aware that too much time spent participating in social 

media can interfere with a child's ability to develop a sense of self. A child cannot 

benefit from the moratorium experience if she uses her “private” time to participate in 

online conversations. Social media, like real life socializing, provides cues that influence 

people to think and behave in approved ways. A child may worry about the number of 

"likes," "dislikes," or "followers," she gets, or the kinds of comments her friends make


about things she posts. When she's focused on other people's opinions and approval, 

she can't develop her own opinions and her own self-approval. For a moratorium to 

work, a child must have time away from social media as well as in-person socializing. 

Parents can support a child's developing sense of self by limiting the amount of time she 

spends communicating with friends via a cell phone or other devices. 

4. Practise tolerance. 

Fellowships use intolerance to maintain group cohesion. Everyone within the 

group must conform to certain norms. Anyone who doesn't is a threat who must either 

be made to conform or excluded. 

At the Individuality level, people tolerate individual differences, provided they do 

not violate certain rules in public. A neighborhood may be composed of families with 

many different cultural backgrounds. They may practise a variety of religions or have 

different political affiliations. But if people are good neighbors who respect each other's 

right to individual opinions, affiliations, boundaries, and practices, peaceful coexistence 

should be the norm. Everyone should be free to express their individuality in their 

private life while behaving in a respectable way in public. Keeping one’s idiosyncrasies 

private makes them easier for their neighbors to tolerate. 

As a parent in an Individuality home, you will teach your children to be polite and 

well behaved in public. You want them to dress in a respectable fashion at school, 

church, or important social functions. At the same time, you want to teach your children 

to be tolerant of people from different backgrounds or persuasions. You can say, "We 

believe X, but the people next door believe Y, and that's okay. We can still be good 

friends and neighbors." When parents demonstrate tolerance of those who are different, 

children learn that their own individuality is acceptable. You may want to create


opportunities for your children to interact with children from families of different 

backgrounds. This will help your children to become more tolerant and better equipped 

as adults to succeed in a diverse community. 

Within the family, you must be willing to tolerate your children's individuality, 

provided it doesn't break the rules. Let them feel safe to have their own interests, tastes, 

and preferences, especially as they get older. Teach them that individual differences are 

not a threat when people treat each other with courtesy and tolerance. 

4. Distinguish between Private and Public Settings 

In an Individuality environment, children must learn to behave differently 

depending on whether they are in a public or a private space. One challenge with the 

Internet is that certain activities, like reading webpages, feel like private experiences, 

much like reading a book. A child can easily forget (or be unaware) that her browsing 

history is not as confidential as she assumes. Other online activities, such as on social 

media, are anything but private. You need to teach your children to be aware that 

anything they post or transmit over the Internet is public and often difficult to erase. 

Certain types of posts--such as political opinions or sexting--can have a negative effect 

on their lives years later. At the Individuality level, children must learn to distinguish 

between public and private spaces and to make sure they present themselves in a 

respectable way in public spaces. Just as you must teach your child to be wary of 

strangers, you must teach them to keep themselves safe from strangers online. You 

must educate your child about the risks of online activity and establish rules for safe 

Internet use. 

Another common issue for parents at the Individuality level is that children of high 

school and college age tend to develop new styles of appearance and other cultural


affectations that distinguish their generation from that of their parents. Parents at the 

Individuality level can tolerate some of their children's non-conformist fashion choices, 

such as hair and clothing styles (certainly better than parents at the Fellowship level). 

They can comfort themselves with the thought that their daughter can have an 

unconventional look while she's in college and then switch to a more respectable style 

of dress when she starts her career. College, in this case, would be seen as more of a 

private setting than a workplace. 

Some parents have difficulty tolerating permanent fashion choices, such as body 

modifications. An example in recent decades is the practice of getting multiple tattoos in 

visible places such as on the arms or face. When tattoos cannot be hidden under 

clothing, parents may worry that they detract from the image of respectability a young 

person should project in an Individuality community. A young person may need to 

cultivate a professional appearance to find respectable employment, so parents will 

discourage these and other body modifications. Of course, this would not be a problem 

in an Inclusion community--provided one is lucky enough to live and work in one. Also, 

over time fashion choices that seem outlandish initially can become more respectable. 

Parents can also find their tolerance tested when their children embrace nonmainstream 

political, religious, or other views. Some parents find it challenging to have 

a child reveal herself publicly as a member of the LGBTQ+ community. They may 

struggle with the boundary between what should be tolerated and expressed in public 

and what should not. 

At the Individuality level, many types of public and private spaces exist. In the 

above example regarding fashion, we noted that a college can be considered a private 

setting for students when compared to a professional work environment. On the other 

hand, a college is a public setting when compared to a private home. Within a home, a


family room is a public setting when compared to a bedroom or bathroom. Within a 

college, a classroom, club, or dormitory, is a private setting compared to the entire 

campus. And of course, while a college is a relatively private space for students, it is a 

public work environment for professors and other staff. 

When you raise children at the Individuality level, you teach them to be aware of 

their environment and how public or private the setting is. Every setting has unwritten 

rules about what behaviors are tolerable. Children as well as adults must change the 

way they express themselves so they appear respectable in every setting. 

Styles of dress that children might wear at home or at the beach may be 

considered inappropriate at school or at a wedding. A child's boisterous behavior might 

be fine in their own backyard or playroom, but it would be improper in a store. Young 

adults may dress in a casual or flamboyant style when meeting friends or going to clubs 

on a Saturday night (part of their private life), so long as they can switch to more 

conventional attire for a public setting such as work. The "man bun" is an example of a 

fashion that arose so men could "let their hair down" on weekends but appear more 

formally dressed on workdays, something many women's hair and makeup styles also 

achieve. In some communities, people believe it's proper to dress more formally when 

traveling to a different city, as though their hometown is a private space by comparison. 

Children and young people must also learn to modify their style of speech in an 

Individuality community in accordance with how public the setting is. It might be 

acceptable for a teenager to swear when among friends, but not in front of their 

grandparents or teachers. A person may speak more formally at work or at a religious 

service than at home. Among adults, it may be customary to avoid discussing politics or 

religion at social gatherings where people of many different persuasions may be 

present--in order to avoid unpleasant conflicts. Of course, it might be perfectly


acceptable to discuss such matters in a circle of close friends, or in a situation where 

everyone present belongs to the same religion or shares the same political outlook. 

As a parent at the Individuality level, you will teach your children to alter their 

behavior to suit the space they are in. You will instill in them a need to look respectable 

in situations that are relatively public. In turn, this will give them the freedom to be less 

formal in private situations, something which often does not exist in Fellowship homes. 

5. Set expectations. 

In a Fellowship home, adults make sure children do what they need to do 

(homework, chores, etc.) by supervising them and scheduling their time. Children are 

told what to do, how to do it, and when. Parents generally teach children there is only 

one right way to do something. 

As a parent creating an Individuality home, you want your children to earn 

respectable public accolades. You may want them to get good grades in school, excel 

in sports or the arts, and win awards or other forms of recognition. At the same time, 

you know that every child has unique talents and challenges. You know that 

approaches that help one child excel will not work for another, so you want your child to 

discover the approaches work best for her. The way to accomplish these objectives is to 

set expectations for your child--standards you want her to achieve--but let her find a 

way to meet those expectations that works best for her. You set the goal. She finds her 

path. 

For instance, you may tell your children what grade average level you expect 

them to maintain in school. You may give them chores they must do at home. You may 

let them know you expect them to win athletic awards. But then you let them figure out 

how to meet your expectations.


When setting expectations, try not to make them too low or too high. Low 

expectations convey the message that you do not think much of your child's abilities. 

They can encourage your child not to try hard. On the other hand, expectations that are 

too high for your child to reasonably achieve set her up for constant failure. She may 

grow up believing nothing she does will ever be good enough or that she can never win 

your approval. In either case, poor expectations can be damaging to a child's selfesteem. 

Good expectations should provide enough of a challenge that a child can feel 

proud when she succeeds, but they should not be unreasonable. 

Once your expectations have been established and your child is motivated, you 

can give her some private space in which to figure out how to meet them. This space 

can be psychological as much as physical. For instance, she may need to practice a 

skill without supervision, so she can feel free to make mistakes, as part of the process 

of mastery. Or she may need the freedom to figure out what time of day works best for 

doing homework, and what sort of study habits get good results for her. Of course, 

younger children may need more help than older children, and some children have 

special needs that must be provided for. 

6. Combine Discipline with Empathy 

Though the system of punishments and rewards established at the Fellowship 

level may largely continue at the Individuality level, there is a change in how it is 

applied. At the Individuality level, discipline is not just about making the child conform to 

the rules. It is also a matter of teaching the child to negotiate between her inner self and 

the outer world in a way that preserves the inner self. You must also talk to your child 

and try to understand why she did what she did. You must try to understand and 

validate the child's perspective and communicate that it is all right for her to have her


own private thoughts and feelings, provided she behaves appropriately with others. You 

might still administer the punishment, or it may be enough to help the child see that her 

actions were wrong. If the child feels genuine remorse and a desire to make amends, 

that may ensure the behavior will not be repeated. 

If you do your job well and succeed in raising your child in an Individuality 

environment, she will enter adulthood with a strong sense of her own identity. She will 

have an accurate appreciation of her strengths and weaknesses. She will know her likes 

and dislikes and can build a life she finds fulfilling. She will have the ability to work with 

people of different backgrounds. And she will have the self-esteem to accomplish her 

goals.


Chapter 22: Building an Inclusion Home 

If your child receives the gifts of the first five levels, she will have grown up in an 

environment where she was safe, provided for, and a valued member of her family. Her 

environment and community will have been orderly and predictable because it will have 

been based on consistent rules. Moreover, she will have spent time in private spaces 

developing a strong sense of self. She will have developed a unique set of skills, 

qualities, and preferences through her private hobbies and explorations. She will know 

what she finds personally fulfilling and meaningful. 

At some point, usually when a child is in her teenage years or older, she will be 

ready to take the unique self she has developed in private and bring it out into the world. 

She will want to contribute to society in a way that aligns with her preferences and 

expresses her unique qualities. If we think of the world as a tapestry, the level of 

Inclusion is one where each person is an individual thread within that tapestry. Each 

thread is distinct and visible, with its own hue and shape. Each one makes a unique 

contribution to the tapestry. And the tapestry is more beautiful because of the 

contribution every thread makes to the whole. 

In less metaphorical terms, a child who reaches the Inclusion level may be ready 

to create a meaningful life for herself that also contributes to her society. This may


involve building a career or lifestyle based her unique perspective, preferences, 

interests, and talents. It may, but not necessarily, mean a life that revolves around 

innovations in business, art, service, scholarship, or other fields. Often, it will mean a life 

that no one could have predicted, but one that is deeply fulfilling to the child and 

beneficial to those around her. Unlike what happens at the Structured Family or 

Fellowship level, she will not simply live the life her family or her community expect of 

her. Unlike what happens at the Individuality level, she will not have to find fulfillment 

only in her private life. At the Inclusion level, she will seek fulfillment in her public life. 

She will enjoy the freedom of creating the life she wants and expressing her unique self 

in ways that also make the world richer. 

To have the best chance of creating such a life, a young person needs all the 

gifts of the earlier levels. She cannot express her unique self if she does not possess a 

strong sense of her own identity, something that is developed at the Individuality level. 

She cannot feel safe to express herself in the world if her community lacks the order 

and rules established at the Fellowship level and the tolerance established at the 

Individuality level. Nor can she express herself freely if her primary concern must be 

conforming to the group (Fellowship), pleasing her parents, fulfilling her assigned role 

(Structured Family), meeting her basic material needs (Provision), or avoiding threats to 

her person (Survival). 

Beyond these gifts, a person needs something more to construct a uniquely 

fulfilling life on the Inclusion level. She needs to be part of an Inclusion community, 

where everyone feels safe to express their uniqueness openly without fear of 

condemnation, where everyone's voice is heard, valued, and included in the culture. 

She needs to be part of a community that gives everyone the support they need to 

express their uniqueness and contribute to the lives of others in the way that best


supports them. 

As far as we know, no stable Inclusion communities exist, though isolated 

pockets of Inclusion exist (schools, camps, workshops, retreats). Some communities 

have at least made it to the platform stage of Inclusion, and many believe an Inclusive 

world will be the next stage of humanity's social evolution. A young person today has 

more opportunities to live and work in an Inclusive community, however unstable, than 

ever before. 

Naturally, a young adult will have a much greater chance of creating a uniquely 

fulfilling life if she has been raised in an Inclusive home, one in which each person's 

individuality was celebrated, all voices were included, and there was room for all types 

of individual expression. Growing up in a home where children feel safe to express 

themselves makes it easier for them to feel safe expressing themselves in the 

community as adults. Of course, there will be some limits on self-expression, especially 

if the community does not operate on a stable Inclusion level. To the degree to which a 

child feels expressing herself invites condemnation or rejection from friends or family, 

she will keep parts of herself private in order to stay safe. She will make her public 

persona align with her community, and so remain at the Individuality level. 

At the same time, to parents raised at a Fellowship or unstable Individuality level, 

the concept of an Inclusion home will raise some anxiety. At every level, people worry 

that creating the next higher level, with its accompanying increase in personal freedom, 

will risk reverting to the previous level. Someone raised at the Structured Family level 

may fear that greater personal freedom will lead to families falling apart--a return to the 

Provision level. Someone raised at the Fellowship level may fear that greater freedom 

will mean the strong will be free to abuse the weak--a return to the Structured Family 

level. Someone raised at the Individuality level may fear that greater freedom will mean


an end to tolerance. But this is not the case. As families and societies move up the 

levels, they experience more personal freedom without losing the benefits of the levels 

that came before. The safety that comes from rules and tolerance that were hard won at 

the Fellowship and Individuality levels are what make people safe enough to express 

themselves in private. An Inclusive community will extend that safety more deeply into 

the public sphere, so that people can express their authentic selves without fear of 

being ridiculed, bullied, assaulted, or shunned. Naturally, the safety and freedom of an 

Inclusive community must apply to everyone, so everyone must adjust their selfexpression 

so they do not make others feel unsafe. 

Assuming you want your child to experience the happiness and fulfillment that an 

Inclusion level upbringing supports, here are some ways to create an Inclusive 

environment in your home... 

1. Let your child choose her own goals. 

When your child is at the Individuality stage of her development, generally when 

she is around middle-school age, you will be setting expectations for her. You will want 

her to achieve the kinds of successes and accolades that bring public respectability. 

However, as your child gets older and starts developing more of a sense of self, 

she will start to set her own goals. Some children in their pre-teen years start having big 

dreams about the career or lifestyle they want to have as adults. Other children may 

take longer to decide what they want to do with their life. They may not have big dreams 

until senior high school or even well into adulthood. Your child may have goals you 

would never have imagined her wanting, goals completely different from the ones you 

had when you were younger. That's okay. She's not living your life. She's living her life. 

What matters is that your child finds goals that are meaningful to her. If, when she was


at the Individuality level, she learned how to meet the expectations you set for her, she 

can later use those same skills to pursue her own goals. 

2. Support your child in achieving her own goals. 

Whatever dreams your child chooses, provided she finds them fulfilling and has 

the determination to pursue them, your job as a parent will be to support her efforts. 

This may mean letting her choose the courses and extracurricular activities in high 

school that interest her, even if they are not ones you would choose for her. It may 

mean sending her to the college program of her choice, even if you don't understand the 

appeal or fear it is impractical. It may mean allowing her to skip college so she can 

pursue a different type of opportunity or experience. It may mean letting her live at 

home longer so she can pursue a goal in relative security. It may mean offering her 

other types of help, such as putting her in contact with mentors, helping her get access 

to various types of support or accommodations, or helping her get alternative forms of 

training. 

If you offer your child guidance, advice, or opportunities, resist the urge to tell her 

what to do or steer her in a direction you want her to take. Give her options, but let her 

choose which options and opportunities to take advantage of. Sometimes, young people 

must try several things and have different types of experiences before they settle on the 

path that is most fulfilling for them. Some people change career paths frequently, finding 

it more fulfilling to always be facing new challenges. Others may be content to find one 

thing and stick with it. You must trust your children to manage their own lives. 

The above assumes you have a child who has moved through each level in order 

during her childhood until, as a young adult, she reaches to the Inclusion level.


However, if you yourself were raised at the Inclusion level, or have achieved it as an 

adult, you can prepare your child for this part of her life by incorporating some Inclusion 

strategies into your parenting when she is younger. Note that you cannot omit any of the 

earlier levels. You still must give your child the gifts of each level when she is at the 

appropriate stage of her development. You can't, for instance, neglect creating a rulesbased 

environment any more than you can neglect providing your child with adequate 

food and housing and expect her to gain the benefits of Inclusion. 

With that caveat, here are a few ways to make your home more inclusive: 

Be an authentic parent. 

In lower-level environments, parents must often present a false persona to their 

children and teach children to construct one of their own. In a Structured Family, that 

persona is their role and the power it gives them. Everyone must hide aspects of 

themselves that do not fit with their role and might invite disrespect. 

In a Fellowship home, parents are authoritarians. They must assume a veneer of 

impartiality as they arbitrate rules and dispense punishment. They must hide their flaws 

and weaknesses so children can feel confident in their parents' strength and authority. 

And parents must model good behavior and morality for their children--so any lapses 

must be concealed. 

In some respects, an Individuality home is a private space where parents can 

express opinions, feelings, and interests they would not show in public. Yet parents 

must still hide some aspects of themselves. They will share things with their spouse or 

close friends they would not share with their children. This practice helps teach children 

to build a respectable social persona and relegate aspects of themselves to private 

spaces.


In an Inclusion home, everyone enjoys greater freedom to be themselves. 

Parents still have power and authority. They teach children about rules and social 

expectations. They protect children from adult stresses and conflicts. But they have less 

of a need to appear strong, authoritative, or respectable all the time. They have less 

need to hide aspects of themselves. Sometimes, parents will share their flaws and 

weaknesses if it will help their child to know it's all right not to be perfect. They may 

share their feelings so their child can see others feel the same way they do about 

certain situations. 

When parenting your child, you must often consider questions like, "Will it benefit 

my child to see, hear, or know about this part of myself or my genuine thoughts and 

feelings? Will it offer her reassurance and make her feel safer? Will it help her to 

appreciate her own uniqueness more?" If the answer is "yes," then you will share 

aspects of yourself that might be kept secret at lower levels. 

For a parent to be authentic at the Inclusion level requires more thoughtfulness-- 

more impulse-control, self-awareness, and empathy. It should not be done carelessly 

(i.e., not in ways that make children feel less safe). However, seeing their parents 

express their authentic selves shows children that they can express themselves too. 

Support each child's special needs. 

At the Fellowship level, all children must follow the same rules, with perhaps a 

few allowances for age and gender. This practice is based on the idea of sameness-- 

that children of the same age are all the same, that all girls are the same, all boys are 

the same, etc. This principle has the advantage of making the environment fairer than in 

a Structured Family, where the strong make the rules for the weak while exempting 

themselves from the rules. However, one drawback to having the same rules for


everyone is that the rules are also a little unfair to everyone since they make no 

allowance for individual differences. 

At the Individuality level, people recognize individual differences. While parents 

set high expectations for their children, they know that some children will have a harder 

time meeting those expectations and may need extra help or accommodation. 

In an Inclusive home, individual differences are viewed even more positively. The 

rules and expectations are modified for each person to accord with their individual 

differences. Adjustments that give each child the support they need or remove barriers 

that impede some children's success are ways to nurture everyone's unique talents. 

Giving everyone what they need to succeed creates a higher level of fairness. It 

promotes everyone's happiness and success. 

In tailoring rules and expectations for each child, parents need to avoid situations 

where children with obvious challenges get a lot of support and adjustments while those 

who seem to be doing fine have their needs ignored. For instance, at the Individuality 

level, children who struggle with school may receive academic support to help them 

meet expectations. Meanwhile, children who exceed expectations on their own (those 

who are academically gifted) may not get any adjustments or support because teachers 

and parents will conclude they don’t need help. Similarly, a child who seems to be 

"average" may have needs that go unmet in a family where her siblings are exceptional 

and command most of the attention. 

At the Inclusion level, parents know that all children are unique. Every child has 

special needs and requires adjustments to reach her potential and make a unique 

contribution to the community. Academically gifted children need support to fulfill their 

potential as much as academically challenged children. Naturally athletic children need 

different types of support and challenges than those who are not. Children on the high


functioning end of the autism spectrum may need support just as much as low 

functioning or neurotypical children. The same is true for all disabilities or abilities. 

Tailoring the supports to fit each child can be a complex task for parents, and even 

more so for teachers who work in integrated classrooms. But when everyone (including 

parents) has their needs met, the environment will be happier and the children will grow 

up to be more successful. 

Celebrate uniqueness. 

At the Individuality level, people tolerate each other's idiosyncrasies, so long as 

they behave well in public. Activities or interests that might be seen as low value or less 

respectable in the public sphere may only be pursued in the private sphere where they 

are less visible. For instance, a person might enjoy a hobby or interest she shares with 

a small circle of fellow enthusiasts, but she might not want to make it part of her public 

persona. She might not tell her boss about her hobby or include it on her professional 

profile. Similarly, a child's after-school interests and hobbies are often seen as part of 

her private life, especially if they have little potential for earning awards or scholarships. 

At the Inclusion level, the public and private spheres are less segregated. If a 

child's home and school both feature Inclusion environments, she may not have to 

change her behavior much when going from one to the other. In either environment, she 

will enjoy the freedom to pursue her own interests and contribute to those around her. 

If a child lives in an Inclusion community as an adult, the activities she finds 

meaningful and those that generate income will likely be one and the same. Of course, 

there will be many variations on that ideal. Some people may become better known for 

their volunteer work than what they do to earn a living. Some people may make as 

much or more money from their hobby than their supposed profession. Some may have


freelance or part-time income streams which they consider to be their real career in 

addition to a regular job. And for some, there may be little separation between home 

and workplace. They may work at home or in workplaces that resemble private homes. 

Either way, an Inclusive upbringing will prepare children to lead a life where there is less 

distinction between work, vocation, and recreation--between activities that are 

meaningful and relaxing and those that pay. 

In an Inclusion home, a child's unique interests and talents are nurtured and 

supported, whether they are pursued in school or after school, whether they could lead 

to careers, scholarships, public recognition, or not. As a parent, you should get to know 

and understand your child well. Notice when their unique interests, perspectives, and 

talents appear. Celebrate and nurture your child's uniqueness. Encourage them to 

express it. Find ways to incorporate it into the family. Don't worry what any particular 

interest may or may not lead to in the future. Children may pursue other interests down 

the road. Help your children see their uniqueness as valuable and develop confidence 

in sharing it with others. If children have the opportunity to do things they find personally 

meaningful--pursue an interest, develop a talent, contribute to a cause, or just engage in 

fun activities--they will develop a stronger sense of self that will help them succeed in 

any endeavor. 

Chapter 23: When Parents Are Raised at Different Levels


Most often, adults are attracted to partners with whom they share a similar 

upbringing, whose childhood environment was at the same level. When that is the case, 

cooperation between parents is easier. They will have a similar understanding of 

parenting, childhood, and the world. They will have similar priorities and expectations. 

However, the process of choosing a partner or spouse involves many factors 

besides the dominant level of their upbringing. Sometimes two people will form a longterm 

relationship despite being raised at different levels. In some cases, one or both 

people as children had experiences the predisposed them to be attracted to someone 

raised at a different level. For instance, a person might have been raised in a stable 

Fellowship home but found they enjoyed hanging out with friends in school who were 

raised in Individuality homes. Such a person might aspire to an Individuality life and 

seek out a partner who represents that aspiration. Another person might have been 

raised in an Individuality home but experienced trauma on the Provision level when their 

parents went through a drawn out and unpleasant separation. That person might be 

drawn to a partner who they feel is unlikely to end their relationship--someone who 

perhaps also has instability on the Provision level. And sometimes two people will enter 

a long-term relationship for reasons unrelated to the level of their upbringing. 

Regardless the reasons two people form a relationship, each person's sense of 

normal will be determined by the level they were raised at. Parents are raised at 

different levels will have a different sense of what a normal childhood should be like and 

what their priorities as parents should be. They may not be aware of how differently 

their partner sees things until a child enters the family and those priorities come into 

conflict. And some conflicts may not arise until the children are older. 

Here are some common ways parents of different levels can clash...


* One parent feels it's important for children to have consistency and routine, and 

that means parents must follow the rules as well. The other parent feels that, as 

an adult, she should not have to follow rules in her own home. 

* One parent feels it's inappropriate for children to question things their parents 

tell them. The other wants to have philosophical discussions at the dinner table in 

which the children are free to speak their minds and challenge ideas. 

* One parent feels children should be assigned chores according to their gender, 

because learning these jobs will help them fulfill their roles in the family when 

they become adult men or women. The other parent feels the whole family 

should work together to do chores, males and females alike--or that children 

should be allowed to choose what chores they will do, perhaps with some 

negotiation regarding chores no one or everyone prefers. 

* One parent wants the children to participate in a particular extra-curricular 

activity--maybe an activity she enjoyed as a child. She feels it's important to pass 

on the tradition or use the shared activity to bond with her children. The other 

parent wants the children to choose their own extra-curricular activities, so they 

can explore and develop their individual interests and talents. 

* One parent thinks it's okay for teenagers to experiment with unconventional 

clothing or hairstyles, to fit in with their friends or express their own identity. The 

other parent worries that this will cost the child the approval of grandparents, 

teachers, or other members of the community. 

* One parent thinks children should learn about sexuality and gender issues in 

school, so they can become more accepting of others and understand 

themselves. The other parent thinks this would be a harmful invitation to deviant 

behavior.


* One partner thinks reading children's social media posts would be an 

inappropriate invasion of their privacy. The other thinks that not reading them 

would be irresponsible and fears it would make the children vulnerable to online 

predators, bullying, harassment, or bad influences. 

The 2002 film "Bend it Like Beckham," contains a humorous depiction of parents 

with different perspectives. The story concerns a teenage girl from an Indian family 

living in the UK who wants to play soccer. Her mother, who operates from a Structured 

Family level wants her daughter to fulfill a more traditional female role which involves 

becoming a wife and homemaker. She says things like, "Who will want a daughter-inlaw 

who can kick a football all day but can't make round chapattis?" and "No boy's 

gonna go out with a girl who's got bigger muscles than him!" The girl's father, on the 

other hand, offers more of an Individuality perspective. At one point, he tells the mother, 

"Why don't you get off her flamin' back? If she'd rather play football than chase boys, 

frankly I'm over the moon about that." 

If you find yourself having conflict with your partner over parenting issues, both of 

you should take the self-assessment quiz and figure out what kind of environments you 

were raised in. If it turns out your partner was raised in a different environment, that may 

explain why he has different concerns than you and why he doesn't understand your 

concerns. 

If you are the parent who was raised at the higher level, you must recognize two 

things about your partner. First, he was raised in an environment that was less safe. 

This will have left him with a belief that the world is more dangerous than the one you 

grew up in--whether this was true or just a reflection of his parents' anxieties. He may 

want to keep your children safe from threats that may not seem real to you. Granting 

children freedom can seem quite dangerous to parents who were raised in an unsafe


environment. He may want to make the children afraid of doing things that would have 

been dangerous for him to do as a child (such as not being sufficiently deferential to 

adults). He may believe that teaching the children to behave in certain ways will keep 

them safe. 

Second, he may seem to be unconcerned with some of the long-term, big picture 

goals and concerns that are important to you. He may not see the value or purpose 

behind certain ways you want to do things and may resist your efforts to get his 

cooperation in making the home the most nurturing environment it can be. 

If you are the parent who was raised at a lower level, you may see your partner's 

approach to parenting as excessively rigid, permissive, or indulgent (depending on the 

levels involved). You may feel he wants to give your children too many or too few rights 

and freedoms and not enough discipline or choice. At the same time, you may feel your 

partner is overly controlling, that he keeps insisting that you do things in ways you do 

not see as valuable or important. He may have a lot of "shoulds." The reason is that he 

grew up in a safer environment than you did, where he didn't have to worry about as 

many threats. This freed him to receive additional gifts which the higher level had to 

offer. Your partner's "shoulds" may be related to his effort to pass on those gifts to your 

children. 

Rest assured, partners of different levels can make the household work for 

themselves and their children. Here's what to do in this situation: 

First, understand that, at least in the beginning, the dominant level in your 

household will most likely be the lower of the two--whether yours or your partner's. This 

happens because anxieties stemming from the lower level will continually arise and 

undermine any effort to create the higher level. If your partner does not feel comfortable 

with the higher level you want to create, he won't be cooperative. Moreover, in any


conflict between two partners where one is coming from a place of anxiety, the anxious 

partner will usually get their way. Anxiety always trumps reason. Addressing the anxious 

partner's concerns so he can calm down will feel more urgent and important. 

Second, and despite above paragraph, the best thing you can do for your 

children is to make the higher level dominant, so they receive the additional gifts of 

security, freedom, and happiness it offers. Building a higher-level environment takes 

effort and patience, but it will benefit everyone in the family--including your partner. 

Negotiating Differences in Levels 

There are two main methods for parents to negotiate differences in their 

parenting styles that result from different upbringings. The first is faster and easier, but a 

bit superficial. The second takes more time but is deep and thorough. It's best to do 

both. We'll cover the quick and easy method first, because this is the one to start with if 

you already have children and want to give them a better environment while they are 

young enough to get the most benefit from it. In Part Four of this book, we'll cover the 

deep and thorough method. 

During this process, the parent with the higher-level upbringing must help her 

partner learn new ways of doing things. If this is you, you must exercise patience. 

Understand that your partner's concerns are deeply embedded in his psyche. Even if he 

wants to gain the gifts of the higher level for himself as well as your children, it may take 

him years of effort. Insisting your partner do things your way can feel to him as though 

he's being asked to speak a foreign language he has no training in. He needs time to 

learn your level before he can become fluent in it. 

In the short-term, don't dismiss your partner's feelings. When his anxieties arise, 

don't tell him he is overreacting, or concerned about nothing, or crazy. His anxieties are


as real to him as the ground he walks on and cannot be conquered through willpower or 

reason. All you can do is encourage him to "act as if" your way of seeing the world 

might be real and see what happens. Gradually, he may come to realize that his 

anxieties are unfounded and see the value of your approach. 

If you are the partner with the lower-level upbringing, you may be frustrated when 

your partner does not seem to appreciate your concerns. In turn, you may have a hard 

time understanding his perspective. His way may seem too permissive or rigid. He may 

seem oblivious to certain risks and too concerned about things that don't make sense to 

you. The way he wants to parent may feel unnatural or idealistic. You may not see the 

potential benefit. Nonetheless, try to understand that the higher level offers gifts that will 

help your children lead happier and more successful lives. Give your partner's approach 

the benefit of the doubt, where possible. Try to see it as an interesting experiment, even 

if it doesn't make sense at first. It may take years of practice before you appreciate the 

benefits the higher level offers everyone in the family--and especially your children. 

Assuming you and your partner have taken the assessment and identified your 

levels, the partner who was raised at the higher level should make a list of parenting 

behaviors she feels both parents should do. The list should be of behaviors only. It 

should not include ideas, beliefs, principles, or attitudes. Items on the list should be 

ranked in order of importance. 

Once the list is finished, the partner who was raised at the lower level should look 

over the list and see how many of the behaviors she thinks she could tolerate doing. 

The behaviors on these lists should not be physically demanding or take a lot of time, 

but they may be psychologically difficult. If you are the one raised at the lower level, 

don't agree to do all the behaviors at once. Start with the two or three that seem the 

easiest for you to tolerate, even if you don't understand why you should do them.


The next step is for both partners to practise doing the two or three behaviors the 

lower-level partner has chosen until they become habits. If you are the lower-level 

partner, the behaviors will likely feel unnatural at first. You may feel some anxiety or 

resistance to doing them. At first, may just have to take a leap of faith. Pretend they 

don't feel unnatural and just do them anyway. Over time, you will get more comfortable 

with them. 

During this process, the partner at the higher level needs to lavish praise on her 

partner every time he does the behavior. If you must point out when your partner fails to 

do the behavior, make sure you praise your partner for doing things right five times 

more than you criticize him for doing things wrong. This ratio is important. Your partner 

is trying to do something difficult and needs your support. If you give too much criticism 

and not enough praise, he will likely give up. 

Once the first two or three behaviors from the list have become habits, you can 

gradually add in the other behaviors, with the higher-level parent continuing to support 

her partner's efforts. 

By following this process, parents can eliminate most of the worst behaviors 

associated with the lower level and shift the environment to a higher, more stable level. 

The process can take several years and will result in the children receiving the gifts of 

the higher level which they could not have otherwise. 

The deep and thorough method for resolving differences in parenting approaches 

involves both parents doing the inner work required to resolve the anxieties created by 

their upbringing, healing the most painful experiences of their past, and learning new 

ways to relate to people at home and in the world. This process will lead to both parents 

moving to a more stable or higher level where they possess more of the gifts and are 

well equipped to pass them on to their children. The method for doing this inner work

will be the subject of Part Four. 



Chapter 24: Gender Issues 

One sign the developed world (and the world in general) is in the process of 

moving toward an Inclusive environment is the increasing acceptance of a greater 

variety of human genders and expressions of sexuality. 5 For parents who identify as 

members or allies of the LGBTQ+ spectrum--that is lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, 

two-spirit, queer/questioning, asexual, and other categories--this is a welcome 

development. Other parents, particularly those who come from more traditional 

communities may worry about how to make the right choices as parents should they 

find themselves in certain situations. 

For example, 1.7% of babies on average are born with an anatomy (visible or 

not) that cannot be classified as male or female. These babies are often referred to as 

5 To clarify, gender and sexuality have several dimensions that 

require different terminology. Here, we will use the word "sex" 

to describe a person's anatomical features that can be used to 

identify them as physically male, female, or intersex. "Gender" 

refers to a person's identity--whether they see themselves as 

male, female, or non-binary (not strictly male or female). 

"Sexual preference" describes who a person tends to feel sexual 

attraction for, which can include men, women, both, or perhaps 

neither. Each of these three dimensions has many variations, not 

all of which are well defined, and in recent years the number of 

categories and terms to describe them has expanded considerably.


intersex. Common practice historically has been for parents of an intersex baby to 

decide whether the child appears to be more male or female and raise it accordingly. In 

the twentieth century, it became possible to use surgery and hormones to make an 

intersex child's anatomy conform better to their assigned sex. Today, such practices are 

being challenged and it is becoming more common to refrain from medical intervention 

until the child is old enough to choose for themselves. 

Another situation parents encounter is to have an older child who expresses a 

non-heterosexual preference or a non-cisgender identity (that is, they feel their gender 

identity does not match the identity traditionally associated with their sex). For some 

parents, especially those in more traditional cultures, this situation can be problematic. 

Before we give advice, let's briefly consider how different levels of environments 

have traditionally allowed or disallowed individuals to express their sexuality and 

gender. 

Survival & Provision 

In a Survival level environment, the challenge of staying alive takes priority over 

all other considerations. If you are raised in such an environment, you learn to survive 

by pleasing certain adults so they will protect you from others who would kill you. If you 

survive to adulthood, you will continue to forge unequal alliances as a survival tactic. In 

situations where you are the most powerful person in the room, you make yourself safe 

by dominating others, so they won't dare try to kill you. If you are not the most powerful, 

you protect yourself by pleasing whoever is the most powerful person. Sexuality at this 

level is commonly used to assert dominance or express submission. 

Life is similar in a Provision level environment, except the biggest concern for a 

child is to have a source of provision--an adult who will give them food, clothing, shelter,


and human connection. In adult life, sexuality is used as a tool to forge or renew a 

relationship with someone who can provide you with a sense of connection or fulfill your 

immediate material needs. If someone is willing to pay your bills, or cook and clean for 

you, and satisfy you in the bedroom, what more can you ask? 

At either of these levels, an individual identity is a luxury people cannot afford. 

Children and most adults lack the freedom to develop a strong, fixed sense of their own 

opinions and feelings. They cannot afford to have preferences. If they are not powerful, 

their personality must be fluid so they can change themselves to earn the protection of 

those more powerful than they are--people whose moods and opinions may also 

change rapidly. When in the company of people weaker than them, they will assume the 

role of the dominator to stay safe. Either way, they are constantly on guard and cannot 

afford the self-exploration that would lead to a sense of self. 

The Monty Python film, The Life of Brian, offers a humorous portrayal (from an 

Individuality perspective) of how people raised in Survival or Provision environments 

tend to behave. In the film, a young man named Brian is mistaken for the Messiah, a 

very powerful person. A crowd of people gather outside his home, eager to win his 

approval: 

BRIAN: Look. You've got it all wrong. You don't need to follow me. You don't 

need to follow anybody! You've got to think for yourselves. You're all individuals! 

FOLLOWERS (in unison): Yes, we're all individuals! 

BRIAN: You're all different! 

FOLLOWERS: Yes, we are all different! ... 

BRIAN: You've all got to work it out for yourselves! 

FOLLOWERS: Yes! We've got to work it out for ourselves! 

Brian cannot make himself understood by his followers. They will agree with


whatever he tells them, because of his perceived power, but they dare not think for 

themselves or form their own opinion. To people raised at Survival or Provision, 

pleasing the powerful is the only way to feel safe. They unconsciously believe their life 

depends on it. 

The need to appease the powerful means exploitation is normal in lower-level 

environments, and that applies to sexuality and gender as well. What an advanced 

society terms the sexual abuse of children and adults is rampant in societies where the 

dominant environment is Survival or Provision. People have no more scope to develop 

a sense of their own sexual preferences or gender than any other aspect of their 

individuality. The concept of individuality itself is frightening, because to have your own 

preferences runs the risk of displeasing a powerful person, with the result that they kill 

or abandon you. 

Of course, a powerful person in a Survival or Provision level environment may 

engage in any form of sexual activity they wish, often in exchange for protection 

(survival) or money (provision) with partners who are less powerful. 

Structured Family 

Structured Family is the first level where a person's sex matters, but in very 

particular ways. In most Structured Family traditions, your sex determines what role you 

play in the family. Boys and girls have different spheres of activity and different skills to 

learn. Children who are born intersex can cause anxiety in the family because it is not 

clear what their role should be. Usually, intersex babies are assigned a sex by their 

parents as soon as possible. Medical intervention to make an infant's body conform to 

their assigned sex would be seen as a positive act by members of a Structured Family, 

because it would resolve the ambiguity regarding the child's identity--including what role


the child should fulfill and how they should be treated. (This is not the only context in 

which some cultures have traditionally used surgery to assign children a particular 

identity. Circumcision may be used to impose a religious identity on a boy. Female 

genital mutilation may be performed with the intent of ensuring a girl abstains from 

sexual activity until marriage, if that is part of her role in the family. Other types of body 

modification are sometimes used to assign membership in a particular community.) 

In Structured Families, most young adults are expected to marry someone of the 

opposite sex and procreate, so the family grows and prospers over time. Marriage at the 

Structured Family level is considered less as a commitment between two individuals 

who are attracted to each other and more as a union of two families made to secure the 

prosperity of the next generation. Choosing a spouse from a good family is important. 

Arranged or semi-arranged marriages are common. At the very least, young people are 

required to get their parents' approval of a prospective spouse. The financial stability of 

the couple and their families is usually a bigger consideration than the couple's 

compatibility or attraction toward each other. While it is hoped that love between 

spouses will develop before or after marriage, it is not required. 

While it is rare, some Structured Families require certain children to remain 

unmarried. For example, in some Mexican families the role of the youngest child (male 

or female) is to look after the parents during their senior years. To fulfill this role, these 

children must learn domestic and nurturing skills. They must remain unmarried and 

childless throughout their lives, so their parents will be their only responsibility. 

Curiously, in cases where the youngest child is male, he will generally be homosexual, 

or at least he will be raised to appear to fit the culture's concept of homosexuality to 

fulfill his required role, just as his older siblings will be raised to behave as heterosexual 

in order to fulfill their roles.


If you were raised in a community at the Individuality or Inclusion level, the above 

sentence may strike you as controversial. In advanced countries today, people are 

accustomed to the idea that a person's sexual preference is an unchangeable product 

of their biology. However, awareness of one's sexual preferences requires a sense of 

self that, as we said, generally does not exist at lower levels. At the Structured Family 

level, a person's gender derives from the role they must play in the family more than 

their own sense of self. If someone is attracted to a person of the same sex, that might 

threaten the family and violate their role. The person will be encouraged to suppress 

such feelings and develop a more appropriate preference instead. If someone feels their 

gender does not fit their body or their role, they must try harder to make themselves 

conform to their role. To break one's role would be to betray the family, a source of 

considerable shame and anxiety. 

Fellowship 

At the Fellowship level, it is important that everyone be the same. The community 

is built on the principles of equality and uniformity. Anyone who is different is seen as a 

threat. Deviancy conjures fears of the worst aspects of the lower three levels, where the 

weak are exploited by the strong (and this includes sexual exploitation). Suppressing 

some of your impulses is the price you pay to reap the benefits of Fellowship, which 

include living in a stable, predictable, orderly, and safe world. 

Like the Structured Family level, the Fellowship level regards sexuality as 

potentially dangerous. At the Structured Family level, a person's sexual preferences can 

threaten the family and its future prosperity. At the Fellowship level, they can threaten 

the social order. Sexual intercourse between husbands and wives is necessary for 

procreation, and but all other forms of sexual expression are strongly discouraged. In


traditional Fellowships, male and female are the only two sexes acknowledged, and 

everyone is assumed to be cisgender. 

Anyone on the LGBTQ+ spectrum will likely have a difficult time growing up in a 

traditional Fellowship community. Children and even adults who express a noncisgender 

identity are often bullied until they conform or ejected from the community. In 

countries or states where the Fellowship level dominates, homosexuality has often been 

illegal. Transgendered people may be denied access to medical services such as 

gender reassignment. It may be dangerous or even illegal to cross-dress or use public 

restrooms designated for one's identified gender rather than anatomical sex. Sexual 

deviancy is not allowed, even in private. Those who don't conform may be charged with 

crimes, physically assaulted, or even killed. 

Even heterosexual activity is suppressed if it is not for procreation. Fellowship 

communities often deny heterosexual women access to birth control methods, 

especially if they are unmarried, because sex outside marriage is seen as a threat to a 

social order based on heterosexual marriage and family. Prostitution is considered a 

similar threat and often criminalized. Unwed mothers may be viewed as suffering from a 

moral weakness--an inability to control their impulses--that must be punished and 

discouraged. Even masturbation may be forbidden--viewed as a gateway to other forms 

of non-procreational sexual activity. 

Individuality 

At the Individuality level, people are allowed to have and express their own 

thoughts and feelings and to pursue their own interests in private, so long as they 

maintain the image of respectability in public and respect other people's right to privacy 

in return. Self-exploration becomes possible, including in the areas of sexuality and


gender. A good illustration of the cultural shift in advanced countries from Fellowship to 

Individuality occurred in in 1967, when Canada rescinded its law against homosexuality. 

The Justice Minister at the time, Pierre Trudeau (who later became Prime Minister) 

famously made the case that, "there's no place for the state in the bedrooms of the 

nation." The US military policy from 1994-2011 known as "Don't ask, don't tell," reflected 

a similar outlook. 

People in an Individuality level community are free to express any gender identity 

or sexual preference, and to indulge in any sexual activity, with only a few exceptions 

(e.g., sexual activity must only take place between consenting adults). The main 

requirement is that any sexual expression that would have been forbidden at the 

Fellowship level must be kept private or "in the closet." People can indulge in infidelity, 

homosexual sex, consumption of pornography, crossdressing, fetishes, etc., so long as 

these activities are not made public. Often people keep such activities secret from their 

own spouses. If your private life becomes public, you might face negative 

consequences. Though these consequences seldom include prison, they might include 

marital breakup, public humiliation, or loss of a career. 

Of course, even in communities where Individuality is the dominant level, many 

people are still raised at the Fellowship level, and may take it upon themselves to bully 

someone who exhibits a non-cisgender identity or homosexual behavior. 

Inclusion 

At the Inclusion level, the differences between private and public spheres are 

largely erased. People are free to express themselves in public as well as in private. 

Individual differences, including those of gender and sexual preference, are celebrated 

and seen as valuable additions to society. Diversity is regarded as a strength. In other


words, an Inclusion community is a place where one can live openly as a member of the 

LGBTQ+ spectrum. The recent alterations to the marriage laws in many advanced 

countries to allow same-sex marriage is an example of how the Western world is 

moving toward inclusivity. 

That said, we cannot be certain what a stable Inclusion community will look like 

until one has been created. And we must bear in mind that even if Inclusion becomes 

the dominant level, all families will not be at the Inclusion level. Many people will 

continue to be raised at all the other levels. 

Your Primary Concern 

As a parent, your first consideration will be how to help your children be safe and 

happy, both immediately and in the long run. This applies in the areas of sexuality and 

gender as well. The threats to your children's safety and happiness vary according to 

the dominant level of their community, as do the remedies. At most levels, safety and 

happiness have historically required certain sacrifices that would not be necessary at a 

higher level. 

In a Survival or Provision environment, surviving and having your needs met 

through connection with a more powerful person often requires setting aside the 

development of your own sense of identity (including gender and sexuality). And 

truthfully, it is impossible for children to live without an adult who can protect and 

provide for them. Children growing up at these lower levels learn this lesson quite well, 

so they assume whatever gender identity or sexual behavior lets them survive and have 

their needs met. 

At the Structured Family level, the benefits of being part of a family are well worth 

the sacrifice of one's own desires and feelings. You cannot experience safety or


happiness in a Structured Family community if you are not a valued member of your 

family. In such an environment, the best thing parents can do for their children is to 

teach them to put the family's needs ahead of their own feelings. In most cases, you will 

teach your children that their duty to the family is to marry someone of the opposite sex 

(often someone chosen for them) and have children with that person. 

At the Fellowship level, people forego their individuality for the benefits of being 

part of a community--which is the key to enjoying greater the safety and happiness than 

is available at lower levels. As a parent, you will teach your children to be good 

members of the community who follow the rules. They should always try to "fit in," and 

be "normal," even at the cost of their own sexual preference and despite any feelings of 

gender dysphoria. 

At the Individuality level, public respectability is necessary to have the freedom to 

develop a sense of self and explore one's interests in private--which leads to even more 

freedom and happiness than is possible at the Fellowship level. As a parent, you will 

look out for your children's happiness by teaching them that sexual preferences or 

expressions of gender identity that would not be tolerated at the Fellowship level may 

be tolerated--but only in private. Children learn to keep such things secret--often from 

their own parents. 

Only an Inclusion environment offers people the safety to express any gender 

identity or sexual preference, provided it is equally safe for their partners. As a parent 

trying to create an Inclusion environment at home, you will celebrate your children's 

uniqueness in these areas. 

To support your children's happiness at any level, you must understand what 

type of community your children will belong to when they reach adulthood. If their 

community is more dangerous (a lower level) than the one you grew up in, you may


need to take stronger measures to protect your children against the threats in that 

environment. This is like how Afro-American parents often teach their children to 

behave differently in public than at home, to protect them from the potentially racist 

behavior of police and others. If you find homosexuality perfectly acceptable, but you 

are living in a community where two men holding hands in the street run the risk of 

being physically assaulted, you may need to caution your children against such 

behavior. 

On the other hand, if your children are growing up in a safer community, a higher 

level than the one you grew up in, you may not need to protect them from threats they 

will never actually encounter. Sometimes, being overprotective can lead to unfortunate 

consequences. 

Imagine a woman who grows up in an Individuality home. With her parents' 

blessing, she marries a man who seems to be an ideal match. Unfortunately, her 

marriage is unhappy, and after several years she divorces her husband. After spending 

some time reassessing her life, getting in better touch with her feelings, and meeting 

some new people, she realizes she is a lesbian. She finds a girlfriend with whom she 

begins a much happier relationship. 

At first, the woman hides her new relationship from her parents, but when her 

girlfriend suggests they get married, she decides it is time to tell her parents the truth. 

When she does, her parents respond, "Oh, yes. We always knew you were gay." 

Dumbfounded, the woman asks, "Then why did you encourage me to marry a 

man?" 

Her parents answer, "Because we wanted you to have a happy life." 

The woman presses on. "If you think being a lesbian is bad, why did you never 

condemn me for being one?"


"Because we love you the way you are." 

This type of story happens a lot in communities transitioning from Individuality to 

Inclusion. From the parents' perspective of Individuality, a happy life requires public 

respectability, which a traditional marriage provides. It makes sense for them to want 

that for their daughter. In many Individuality communities, homosexuality can only be 

safely practised in private. However, the woman in the story is living in an Inclusion 

community where it would be perfectly fine to live openly as a lesbian and marry the 

woman she loves. In this case, had the parents recognized sooner that their daughter's 

world would not be the same as the one they grew up in, they might have saved her 

from a bad first marriage. 

We can imagine how the same story would play out in a Fellowship community 

transitioning into Individuality. In that case, the parents might have initially done all they 

could to encourage their daughter to lead a normal life that included a husband and 

children. They would believe the penalties for deviancy would be worse than 

participating in an unhappy marriage. Eventually, if the woman came out to her parents, 

they might say something like "Well, if you must be gay, can you at least do it in private? 

We don't want you to ruin your life. Keep your relationships secret from the rest of the 

community." Such a response would be seen as terrible, even heartless in an Inclusion 

community, but in a Fellowship community, such parents would be showing exceptional 

tolerance. 

Another example of the conflicts that arise as communities shift from Individuality 

to Inclusion is the case of Gay/Straight Alliances (GSAs), which are clubs that exist in 

many schools in North America. They are support groups for children on the LGBTQ+ 

spectrum and their allies. Conflicts sometimes arise between parents who feel they 

have a right to know if their child joins a GSA, versus those who believe children have a


right to keep their membership secret from their parents. What's important to note is that 

both sides are concerned with children's safety. 

On the one hand, parents who want to know if their child joins a GSA fall into two 

camps. Some, who may come from a Fellowship or Structured Family perspective, 

believe children should be discouraged from indulging any feelings of gender dysphoria 

or homosexuality. They want to know about their child's involvement so they can put a 

stop to it. Others display more of an Individuality perspective. They believe that 

LGBTQ+ children should keep their identities private to protect them from being bullied 

by those who are intolerant (those operating from a Fellowship perspective). They want 

to know about their children's involvement so they can take measures to protect them. 

On the other hand, some people (including many young adults) are attempting to 

build an Inclusion community where gender diversity is celebrated. For them, GSAs are 

a tool to create safe spaces where LGBTQ+ children can be themselves and support 

each other. They believe that, since not all parents will support their children's identity 

and preferences, children have a right to not inform their parents. 

In any case, you must make your children's safety and happiness the priority. If 

they can safely explore and express their own individuality, they will generally have a 

happier life. However, if the environment does not tolerate individuality, some 

compromises may need to be made. You will need to understand the culture of your 

community and the direction it is moving to be the most help to your children.


Part Four 

Becoming a Better, Happier Parent


Chapter 25: Another Reason You Can't Parent Above Your Level 

As you may have noticed from the preceding chapters, creating a stable version 

of any level is not a complex task. There are only a few methods, and they are easy to 

understand. Yet doing them successfully can be difficult. One problem is that you will 

have instincts and impulses that can undermine your efforts to create a stable 

environment for your children. As a child, you were raised in an environment that taught 

you to interpret the world in certain ways. Your childhood experiences will in turn 

influence your emotional response to situations you encounter as a parent. Often these 

responses are difficult to anticipate and control. Let us give you an example... 

Eric had a client, a woman whose family had immigrated to the United States 

when she was a child. Like many first-generation immigrants, she had a strong work 

ethic and was determined to make a better life. She got an education and a good job 

and settled in one of the rare communities where the dominant environment was at the 

construction stage of Inclusion. All the gifts were available to children in that community. 

The client worked hard at her career, gave birth to two little girls, and tried to create a 

home for them that was comparable to the community they lived in. She wanted her 

daughters to have all the advantages she hadn't. But not all was well. 

When she came to Eric for psychotherapy, she was suffering from symptoms of


extreme anxiety, including headaches and insomnia. She also complained about 

difficulty trusting others. As the therapy proceeded, she began to get more in touch with 

the source of her anxiety and her symptoms began to diminish. And then something 

happened. 

One afternoon in October, the client's two daughters were trying on their 

Halloween costumes. The eldest girl, age nine, decided to play a trick on their mother. 

She hid behind a door and waited. When the client came in, the little girl jumped out 

from behind the door, wearing her monster mask, and yelled, "Boo." 

In a split second, the client pounced on her little girl and pinned her against the 

wall, her hand squeezing the little girl's throat so tightly she could not breathe. Later, the 

client admitted she had felt such blind rage that she could have murdered her own 

daughter. Fortunately, she found enough presence of mind in that moment to relax her 

grip and say to the girl, "Run. Now!" The girl ran and stayed safe. The client took the 

time she needed to let her rage subside. 

The experience was so frightening to the client that she felt inclined to stop 

therapy. Living with the anxiety, headaches, and insomnia seemed better than risking 

another such incident. 

Why did this happen? The client had spent her early childhood in Viet Nam, in an 

active war zone. The environment operated at an unstable Survival level, where deadly 

"monsters" in the form of bombs and soldiers could appear without warning and murder 

people without provocation. The client's parents had not been killers themselves. Their 

home was at the Structured Family level. But any threatening experience two levels 

below your upbringing, such as a war, is experienced as trauma. It violates a child's 

understanding of the world in such a profound way that her mind cannot cope. She 

becomes so overwhelmed her mind resorts to disassociation.


We will say more in later chapters about how memory works, but for now 

understand that disassociation involves isolating the memory of an experience from 

conscious thought. Children who have traumatic experiences dissociate to adapt. The 

experiences remain, raw and vivid, in walled off corners of their psyche where they can 

be neglected and even forgotten for many years. In adulthood, the memory of these 

traumatic experiences can be reawakened by anything in an environment that reminds 

the person of situation when the trauma occurred. 

A child's mind can only imagine a few ways to survive a deadly threat. She might 

call for help, run and hide, or perhaps attack and destroy the threat. When a traumatic 

childhood memory is reawakened in adulthood, the adult may respond in any of these 

ways. Instinctively, she feels as though any hesitation, any effort to stop and assess the 

situation rationally, could get her killed. 

When the client's daughter jumped out wearing a monster mask, the client's 

memory of the threats she had experienced as a child was triggered. She was plunged 

back into the war zone of her childhood. In that instant, she did not see her daughter, 

only a threat that had to be destroyed. 

For the client's daughter, the experience of being attacked by her mother was 

also traumatic, because it violated the environment she had grown up in--an 

environment in which her mother was a protector, a provider, a source of love, the 

person most worthy of trust. For the same reason, her younger sister would likely have 

been traumatized as well from witnessing the incident. Fortunately, it was an isolated 

event. However, if similar events happened on a regular basis, the two girls would have 

grown up with a completely different understanding of the world. Rather than raise her 

daughters in a stable Structured Family like the one she grew up in, the client would 

have raised them in an unstable Survival home.


Though this may seem like an extreme example, incidents of a similar nature 

occur often in families. Most adults have experienced traumas in their past. Any 

traumatic memory buried in a parent's psyche can be brought to life by an unexpected 

trigger. Stress, exhaustion, intoxication, and other factors may lessen the psychic 

barriers making such triggerings more likely, but they are not necessary factors. 

Sometimes, your children may do something perfectly innocent, or you may find 

yourself in a harmless situation. Nonetheless, if something in the environment 

resembles a traumatic situation from your past, you may experience a powerful flood of 

fear, anger, or some other emotion. When your memory of a trauma is triggered, you 

can react irrationally. You may have an uncontrollable impulse to say or do terrible 

things. Later, if you can calm down and reflect on the event, perhaps with the help of a 

confidant, you may realize you overreacted. But in the heat of the moment, your feelings 

and actions feel justified and rational--because they would have been justified in the 

past event you are reliving. In such moments, your irrational behavior can traumatize 

your own children. Through this mechanism, trauma is passed down through 

generations, making it difficult for parents to raise their children at a stable stage of any 

level. 

Again, any threatening experience two or more levels below your upbringing can 

be experienced as a dissociative trauma because it violates your understanding of the 

world. (An incident one level down can be deeply upsetting, but not so far removed from 

your understanding of the world to make dissociation a likely response.) If you grew up 

at the Structured Family level, you will experience severe physical assault as traumatic. 

If you grew up at the Fellowship level, incidents of severe violence, abandonment, or 

deprivation will be traumatic. If you grew up at the Individuality level, incidents of severe 

violence, abandonment, deprivation, or abuse (physical, sexual, or emotional) will be


traumatic. And if you were raised at the Inclusion level, you can be traumatized by 

experiences of violence, abandonment, deprivation, abuse, injustice, betrayal, or being 

bullied. 

If you want to be a better parent to your children than your parents were to you--if 

you want to raise your children in a more stable environment--the most valuable thing 

you can do is heal your own traumas. Doing so will make you stronger, wiser, and less 

able to be triggered. It will improve your own success and happiness in a myriad of 

ways. Most importantly, it will let you break the cycle of passing trauma down through 

generations of your family, so your children and grandchildren can experience greater 

security and happiness than you did. 

In the following chapters, we will teach you how to do this work, but let's start with 

a simple tactic you can use in the meantime. 

Distancing 

Sometimes, the easiest way and most effective way to give your children a better 

upbringing and a brighter future is to prevent them from experiencing the worst threats 

you experienced in your childhood environment. Raise your children in a safer world, 

and they will never develop the insecurities you did. 

One factor that has historically given parents the freedom to develop better 

parenting methods and helped human society progress has been emigration--whether 

that means moving to a different neighborhood, city, state, or country. This is obvious in 

the case of families who flee threats such as war, famine, or a dictatorial regime. 

Moving to a country where children can grow up in a community free from such threats 

gives them a happier and healthier life. 

Not so obvious is the effect of creating distance between children and their


extended family. Emigration can separate family members for months, years, or even 

permanently. This can be a negative factor, particularly for families at the Structured 

Family level, where extended family can be an important source of resilience and 

support. However, for some parents attempting to raise their children in a better 

environment, limiting family exposure can be beneficial. The most obvious examples are 

parents who grew up in physically, mentally, or sexually abusive households. As adults, 

these parents will want to shield their children from abusers in their extended family who 

are still alive. Living in a different city or country provides a good excuse for limiting 

contact. The same principle extends to all situations where a parent chooses to break 

from a traditional childrearing practice to give their children a better upbringing. 

Imagine a young mother who was raised in a household where spanking was 

regularly used as a form of punishment for children. As an adult, the mother familiarizes 

herself with research suggesting the corporal punishment of children is both inhumane 

and less effective in the long run. She decides she will not spank her children but use 

gentler and more effective parenting techniques. 

However, this young mother has an extended family she and her children spend 

a lot of time with. Perhaps they live in the same village or neighborhood and have many 

family gatherings. They may be part of the same community groups or religious 

congregation. She may even share a house or building with extended family members. 

Most likely, the children's grandparents, uncles, aunts, and other relatives will 

see no problem with the family's traditional childrearing practices. To them, these 

practices are normal and necessary, whereas they are likely to think the "no spanking" 

notion is ill advised or even ridiculous. They may feel quite justified in telling the young 

mother how she should raise her children. They may even see it as their duty to make 

sure she raises her children properly, using traditional methods. Even worse, they may


feel entitled to discipline her children themselves when warranted. In such an 

environment, the mother will find it next to impossible to raise her children in her chosen 

manner. 

Lloyd DeMause notes that major advancements in childrearing practices have 

sometimes occurred among immigrant families. One historical example is the 

establishment of Puritan colonies in what became New England. When these families 

emigrated across the Atlantic Ocean, they were cut off from their extended families and 

former communities. As a result, parents could develop new childrearing methods with 

far less resistance. 6 

We hope you don't feel you must move to a different country to create a better 

environment for your children. However, if you are trying to break from your family's 

traditional parenting methods, you may need to do some negotiation with extended 

family. You should make sure all the adults your children spend time with respect your 

effort to parent in your chosen way. If someone doesn't respect your parenting choices, 

you may need to limit or adjust how your children spend with that person. 

You don't have to stop your children from having a relationship with their 

relatives. As we noted, at the Structured Family level and above, relationships with 

extended family members can be an important support system. Your children may 

benefit from the chance to form friendships with cousins, or to be mentored by 

grandparents, uncles, or aunts. However, you may need to supervise your children's 

visits with certain family members. You may prefer to limit the amount of contact to 

weekly visits rather than daily, or monthly visits rather than weekly. Or you may prefer 

your children interact with certain relatives by letter, email, phone calls, or video 

6 DeMause, Lloyd, The Emotional Life of Nations p. 253.

teleconferencing more than in-person visits. 



Chapter 26: How Your Past Affects Your Parenting 

As a parent, you are responsible for creating the environment your children 

experience growing up. You do this in many ways, from deciding where your family will 

live, to the rules, roles, and routines in your home, to the small daily interactions you 

have with your children. How you respond to your children's behavior, needs, and 

impulses teaches them how safe or scary their environment is, what the boundaries are, 

and how to navigate them. They will learn from your reactions how and when to be 

cautious and guarded, when and to what degree they can relax and be themselves, and 

how much you value and appreciate them. As well, they will notice how you treat others, 

how you handle problems, how much enjoyment you take from life, and how stressed 

you are. These observations contribute to your children's understanding of the world. 

As we've mentioned, the environment you grew up in shaped your psyche and 

the way you see the world. By default, the environment you create for your children will 

be the same level as the one you grew up in. To create a better environment for your 

children, you must change yourself. You must change how you see the world and gain 

greater stability in your own psyche--perhaps even gain gifts you didn't receive as a 

child. It means making your own life happier and more secure, so you can give your 

children a happier, more secure life.


How Your Past Informs Your Choices 

To create a life better for you and your children, you must understand how your 

past affects you in the present, how it shapes your decisions and reactions to situations. 

To explain this, let's break down that last sentence a little. 

When we say the phrase "you in the present," we are referring to a faculty of the 

mind more commonly known as "executive function." Executive function is your ability to 

decide to behave in ways that align with your goals. It is the faculty by which you are 

aware of your current situation and respond accordingly. 

For instance, imagine you are driving to a job interview in a part of town you've 

never been before when you come to an intersection. According to some signage, 

turning left will take you to a nice coffee shop. Going straight will take you to a scenic 

park. Both these options are appealing. However, turning right will take you to the 

building where your interview is scheduled to take place. Your executive function is 

what makes the decision to turn right, because that choice takes you closer to fulfilling 

your highest priority in that moment. 

Or, to take an example related to parenting, let's suppose your fifteen-year-old 

daughter tells you she's been invited to a party where there will be both boys and girls. 

Before you can decide whether to give her permission to go, you may have many 

factors to weigh up. On the one hand, there may be benefits to her going, starting with 

the opportunity to have fun. 

On the other hand, you may need to consider the risks. How well do you trust 

your daughter, her friends, or the family hosting the party? Do you think she will be 

safe? Will there be dancing? Is there a chance alcohol or drugs will be present? Would 

attending the party break the rules of your religious community? Could your daughter's


reputation suffer or improve if she went? Your executive function is the mental faculty 

you use to evaluate which option best serves your goals for your daughter. 

One limitation of the executive function is that it doesn't function well in isolation. 

The clearer and better established your goals and intentions are, the easier it is to make 

decisions. In the case of your daughter wanting to attend a party, do you want her to 

stay away from boys until she's old enough to consider marriage? Or do you feel dating 

is a healthy part of adolescence? Do you think it is more important to protect her or to 

give her opportunities to develop confidence and independence? Do you want her to 

follow strict rules or learn how to make her own choices? Do you feel she's too young to 

manage the situation well or that she needs such experiences to learn how to handle 

them? The more certain you are about what you want for your daughter, the easier it is 

for your executive function to make a decision that aligns with your intent. 

However, making a decision involves other factors as well, which takes us to the 

first part of our earlier sentence, "how your past affects you," or in other words, memory. 

Through memory, your past influences your executive function and through it your 

decisions and behaviors in the present. The human mind has three different memory 

systems, each of which influences the executive function in a different way: 

1. Semantic memory. 

Semantic memory includes all the information and concepts you have learned-- 

all the stuff you remember that can easily be expressed in words. It includes everything 

you learned in school or from other people through listening or reading, as well as any 

opinions you have formed, beliefs you have adopted, or theories you have embraced. 

For instance, if you go to a doctor complaining of not feeling well, the doctor will 

rely on her medical training--the information about the human body and various


diseases and symptoms she learned in medical school--to decide the most likely cause 

of your unwellness. Her semantic memory will help her decide what tests should be 

conducted, how to interpret the results, and the proper course of treatment to prescribe. 

Similarly, any ideas in this book that you retain months from now will be part of 

your semantic memory, along with information about parenting you have learned from 

other books and articles. Your semantic memory will also include parenting advice 

you've heard from friends, relatives, and experts. When you face a challenging situation 

as a parent, you may recall this information and your executive function can use it to 

decide the best way to respond. 

When your 15-year-old daughter asks to go to a party, the more information you 

have about the party, the easier it is to make a decision that aligns with your goals. For 

instance, if you learn the party is a formal, chaperoned event hosted by a very 

respectable family, you might easily say "yes" to her request. On the other hand, if she 

wants to go to a late-night keg party on a private beach with no adults present, your 

answer may be a definite "no." But if you don't know anything about the party in 

question, you will find it hard to decide. 

Unfortunately, semantic memory is the weakest of the three memory systems. 

For one thing, semantic memory tends to degrade over time. Semantic memory is 

designed to retain information that is significant and rapidly discard information that is 

not. For this reason, many parents find they can easily help their children with 5th grade 

homework, because it involves information and skills they use all the time, but they are 

far less helpful with high school level work. 

In addition, when you recall something that happened, for instance a holiday 

celebration from a few years ago, you only really recall it once. The second time you 

access the memory, you are calling to mind your memory of the first time you recalled


the celebration--the memory of your memory. The next time you recall the celebration, it 

will be your memory of your memory of your memory, and so on. 

With each subsequent recollection of an event, your brain will discard details it 

decides are less significant. Later, you may unconsciously fill in the missing gaps in 

your memory with your best guess of what must have happened, which may not be true. 

So over time your memories become less detailed and less accurate. And even when 

you have the correct information available in your semantic memory, you don't always 

have enough time to think through a decision properly. Accessing semantic memory 

takes some time, and many situations need a faster response. 

Fortunately, our other memory systems offer us faster ways of responding. 

These memory systems also have their flaws, but in simple, urgent situations, they are 

usually good enough. 

2. Procedural memory. 

Procedural memory consists of behaviors you do out of habit or training. You do 

them because you have done them before, so often that you don't have to think about 

them. (If you must think about them, they are part of your semantic memory). As a 

result, procedural memory is largely non-verbal. 

For instance, let's say you are driving to work one morning. Your conscious mind 

may be thinking about a particular challenge you're facing in some area of your life, 

reviewing a past event, or making plans. Or perhaps you're just listening to music or a 

book on tape. Either way, your mind is so preoccupied that you find yourself arriving at 

work before you realize it. 

You might wonder how you managed to drive the car when your attention was 

elsewhere. How were you able to respond to the behavior of other cars, traffic lights,


pedestrians, etc.? How did you decide where to turn, when to adjust your speed, and 

when to shift gears? The answer is that, because you had been driving for years and 

had taken the same route to work so many times, you did not need to expend much 

effort making all those decisions. Your procedural memory took over, much like an 

autopilot, letting your conscious mind turn its attention to other thoughts. 

Procedural memory governs most of the behaviors we do all the time, from 

routines like putting your keys in a bowl when you come in the front door to more 

complex tasks like playing sports or a musical instrument. It also includes our habitual 

ways of interacting with people--from rituals like saying "please" and "thank you" to the 

subtle ways we behave in relationships. Doing something out of habit requires less 

conscious thought, which makes it a faster, easier way to decide how to behave. For 

example, if you are driving a car and want to change lanes, you should first check your 

blind spot. If you only had semantic memory to rely on, you would have to stop each 

time and think, "How do I change lanes? What are the steps I should follow?" This can 

slow your decision process. Worse, details of the procedure that seem less important 

would be discarded over time. If you haven't experienced a collision in a long while, 

checking your blind spot might be one of the steps that gets forgotten--resulting in the 

next collision. Fortunately, procedural memory is more reliable in such situations. If 

you've been driving for a few years, you've developed the habit of following the same 

procedures every time, without having to stop and think about them. Because you don't 

need to stop and re-think the procedures (with semantic memory), you are less likely to 

leave out steps. 

The downside to procedural memory is that it is difficult to change a habit once it 

is formed. For instance, most people reading this book were probably taught how to 

read English at a young age. As a result, you automatically read words that appear in


front of you (and chances are your environment is filled with printed words). If you tried 

to go a day without reading anything--no sign, no label, no billboard, no words on a 

screen, no piece of paper--chances are you couldn't do it. To succeed, you might have 

to go somewhere there was no signage or printed material, like a nature preserve. 

Similarly, you may have developed habitual ways of behaving as a parent. Some 

of this may have been learned from observing how your parents behaved when you 

were young. You may consciously intend to do things differently than your parents did, 

but to think through every situation would be exhausting. Your procedural memory will 

be in charge much of the time, especially when you are tired or stressed. You will often 

do what your parent did, regardless of your intentions. 

If you are trying to create a better environment for your children than you the one 

you grew up in, one of your challenges will be to retrain your habits. You will have to 

condition your mind through mental or physical practice. John Wooden, the famous 

basketball coach describes "8 Laws of Learning" new skills: "explanation, 

demonstration, imitation, repetition, repetition, repetition, repetition, and repetition." You 

may know the best way for a child to learn to play a musical instrument is to practise for 

a short time every day without fail, until the skills are part of her procedural memory. In 

a similar way, you must consciously practise how you want to parent until it becomes a 

habit. 

A good strategy is to make a list of things you would like to do as a parent-- 

perhaps things that will create a safer, more stable, more nurturing environment for your 

child than you experienced growing up. Make a plan that seems achievable. Practise 

each day with your child. Reward yourself for each success, even just with silent mental 

praise. If you have a partner or spouse, make the plan together and reward each other 

for following it.


Also think about how you want to handle common but surprising situations that 

parents face. What will you do when your child is upset or defiant? Will you be caught 

off-guard, or will you have a plan? 

For instance, when your 15-year-old daughter asks to go to a party, having 

certain established procedures will help you to decide faster. You may have rules about 

what types of parties she is allowed to go to, when she is expected to be home, and 

what she should do in an emergency. You can establish these procedures when your 

oldest child goes to their first party and repeat it with other children. When the 

procedures become habitual, it will be easy to decide whether to give permission. 

Of course, having a plan to handle a situation doesn't always work. In the 

military, officers are taught, "No battle plan survives first contact with the enemy." When 

you face a trying situation as a parent, sometimes the way you intended to handle it 

won't work and you may fall back on your procedural memory of what your parents did. 

To prevent this, give some thought ahead of time to what your plan "B" or plan "C" will 

be. Make sure you don't find yourself in a situation where repeating your parents’ 

mistakes is your only option. Spend time mentally rehearsing how you will handle 

situations differently. 

One thing that will help you be a better parent in almost every situation is to 

relax. The more anxiety, fear, or anger you give into, the more likely you are to abandon 

your goals and make bad decisions. Conversely, the calmer you are, the more likely you 

will make good decisions or find creative solutions to problems. When possible, take 

time to calm yourself before you make a decision or punish your child. Make selfcalming 

the first step in your procedural memory for dealing with problems. Sometimes, 

simply taking a slow, deep breath or counting to ten can make a difference.


3. Event memory. 

While procedural memory is a great shortcut for situations you encounter all the 

time, it doesn't work well in situations that are unusual. For instance, imagine you are 

driving to work when you find the road blocked by new construction. In that situation, 

you could not continue running on procedural memory. You would have to stop and 

think. You might access your semantic memory and review your knowledge of the 

terrain so your executive function could choose an alternative route. 

However, some situations are both unusual and urgent. What if you don't have 

time to think through the situation with semantic memory? What if you have not trained 

yourself in the right procedure for the situation? 

Michael Green wrote a humorous book called The Art of Coarse Sailing, in which 

he defines a “coarse” (i.e., amateur) sailor as someone who, in a moment of crisis at 

sea, forgets all the nautical terminology he proudly learned and shouts, "For God's 

sake, turn left!" This is a good illustration of how the third type of memory works. In 

cases where you don't have time, training, or information, your executive function has a 

third resource to help it make decisions. We call this third resource, event memory. 

Event memory doesn't always give your executive function the best guidance, but it is 

fast. And in a crisis, it's often the best option. 

Event memory contains experiences from your past that were unusual and 

significant. (If they were usual, they would have become part of your procedural 

memory, and if they were insignificant, your semantic memory would have discarded 

them.) By significant, we mean the events will have involved strong emotions or 

physical pain. For instance, if you fell and broke your arm as a child, that event would 

likely be stored in event memory. Event memory can include such negative experiences 

as finding out a sibling died, being assaulted, your parents separating, failing at


something spectacularly, or even learning about a tragic event in the news. It can also 

include positive experiences, such as a wonderful surprise or a moment of great 

achievement. 

Event memory works by associating your current situation with situations in the 

past when significant events occurred. These similarities can be quite subtle-- 

someone's body language, an aroma, a piece of music, or a sudden movement can be 

enough to trigger your event memory of an earlier experience. When this happens, you 

will instantly respond to the current situation as if the past situation were happening 

again. Sometimes this works well, if indeed the current situation is like one in the past. 

Other times, the similarities may be coincidental, and a response based on event 

memory is inappropriate. 

Imagine that, as a child, you had the experience of receiving corporal punishment 

from a parent. All your sensory information concerning this experience may have been 

stored in your event memory--the tone of voice and body language of the parent who 

punished you, the colors and light in the room, any odors, textures, etc. Now imagine 

that one day, after you are grown up and married, a combination of sensations arises 

that reminds you of this event. Maybe something about your spouse’s tone of voice, 

combined with a couple of other details triggers your event memory. You may respond 

in a way that would be appropriate if you were about to be assaulted in the present. You 

might have a strong urge to run out of the house or barricade yourself in a room. Or you 

might assume the role of the assailant and start behaving in a hostile or abusive way 

toward your spouse or child. 

In some cases, a response based on event memory could be quite helpful. 

Maybe your spouse was about to become a threat in that moment and your "fight or 

flight" response was a good way to protect yourself. On the other hand, maybe there


was no threat and the similarity of the situation to the past was just a coincidence. To 

your spouse or child, you will seem to be behaving irrationally, perhaps even 

dangerously. 

Event memory works best when an urgent threat arises and you don't have the 

information or time to assess the situation. If you're suddenly faced with what seems to 

be a Survival level threat, it's probably best to leave quickly or adopt a defensive stance. 

If your feelings turn out to be wrong, there's no harm done, but if they were accurate you 

may have saved your life. However, in a safe environment, event memory can cause 

you to make irrational decisions or pass up valuable opportunities. As a parent, if you 

frequently react to situations based on event memory, you can undermine your efforts to 

create a stable and predictable environment for your children. 

In the case of your 15-year-old daughter who wants to go to a party... let's 

suppose you haven't thought much in advance about how to make such decisions. You 

have no established procedure. But the moment she asks for permission, you have a 

sudden, visceral reaction. Perhaps your stomach clenches, or your skin turns pale and 

cold. You raise your voice in a tone of fear or anger. You make it 100% clear she is not 

going to that party. If she asks why she can't go, you can't explain it in words. You're not 

prepared to discuss the matter or have your decision questioned. All you know is that 

you have internal alarm bells ringing that must be heeded. 

When parents react like this, they are often working off event memory. 

Something about your daughter's request may have triggered the memory of a bad 

experience you once had, or witnessed, or even perpetrated--maybe something you 

can't consciously call to mind. Something about the location of the party or the 

circumstances may have triggered your reaction. Perhaps it was something about one 

of your daughter's friends, or her tone of voice, or a small detail about the


arrangements. Something in you knows there is a clear and potent threat. 

In some cases, event memory can be quite helpful. The invitation to the party 

could be sketchy. The party might be unsafe. And while there may be no direct 

evidence, your event memory may be reacting to subtle clues that point to an actual 

risk. On the other hand, just because the current situation bears a superficial similarity 

to a past event doesn't mean there is a threat. Usually, the best thing to do is to calm 

down, get more information, and evaluate the situation using semantic memory to 

determine if you need to be concerned. 

Renovation 

Renovation is the work of integrating and reforming the contents of your event 

memory. It is a procedure that strengthens the lower levels of your psyche where you 

have instability, whether because of unpleasant or traumatic experiences in your past, 

or perhaps because these levels were never built solidly in the first place. It is a process 

of reevaluating memories, so you stop reacting irrationally when they are triggered. As 

you do this work, you will start to make better choices, find better solutions to problems, 

and enjoy considerably less stress. Renovation helps you become a better parent 

because you will interact with your child in a more rational manner. You will seem less 

scary to your child, so she will find your presence more reassuring. You will be a better 

role model. You will become less governed by your past and better able to create the 

life you want for your family. 

In the next few chapters, we will show you the skills and procedures for 

renovating memories.


Chapter 27: Two Skills Essential for Renovation Work 

Renovating the lower levels of your psyche involves the integration of upsetting 

and traumatic experiences. The process involves three steps: 

1. Learning what would have been a better way to manage the situation or similar 

situations if they recur (semantic memory). 

2. Reviewing the event in a way that decreases its significance (event memory). 

3. Practicing new behaviors until they become habits (procedural memory). 

You can do this work on your own, though it is best done with the help of a 

psychotherapist who specializes in trauma integration. The work will also be easier if 

you were raised at an Individuality or Inclusion level, or have practised self-reflection 

much of your life, so you are aware of your own thoughts and feelings. 

If don't have much awareness of your thoughts and feelings, that's fine. You can 

acquire the skills you need to do renovation work on your own. The key is to proceed at 

the right pace. Don't try to integrate the worst experiences of your life right away. Take 

your time. Develop self-awareness first. Then work through some less disturbing 

experiences. Get skilled at renovation before you tackle the most difficult memories. 

If it helps, think about the process as similar a role-playing game. You're going to 

start off without a lot of skills or experience. So don't jump right into a scenario meant for


highly experienced players, because the result will not be good for you. Complete the 

beginner scenarios first, because they will give you the skills and experience you need 

to succeed in the advanced scenarios. Also, if you're new to this work, the beginning 

exercises will feel just as rewarding as doing advanced work later. 

We'll start by helping you acquire two skills necessary for renovation work--skills 

that in themselves can relieve much of your daily stress and improve many aspects of 

your life. 

1. Mindfulness 

Mindfulness has become a popular subject in recent years, though it has been 

practised for a very long time. Different schools of thought have used different terms for 

it. Today you will find many books on the subject, and there may be courses or 

workshops on mindfulness available in your area, which you may find helpful. 

You must be skilled at mindfulness to do renovation work because, when your 

event memory is triggered, you will likely experience a flood of feelings and impulses 

that cause you to behave as if a situation from the past is repeating itself. However, it 

won't feel like you're reliving the past. It won't feel like you're acting irrationally. It will 

feel as though your feelings and impulses are perfectly justified by the present situation. 

To renovate a past event, you must recognize which impulses and feelings belong to 

the past. You must be able to look at your impulses and feelings objectively--which is 

what mindfulness is all about. More precisely, here's how we define mindfulness: 

Mindfulness is the ability to observe your mind and body steadfastly with 

detachment. 

In renovation work, mindfulness can be thought of as having four components. 

Generally, you include all four components when you are doing mindfulness exercises,


but we'll discuss them separately for clarity. 

The first component of mindfulness is self-observation. To practise mindfulness, 

you must redirect your attention away from its normal focus. This can be a challenge. 

You may be used to keeping your attention focused on your external environment--an 

electronic screen, an activity you are doing, something you are reading, or the person 

you are talking to. Other times you may be preoccupied with the past or the future-- 

imagining upcoming events, reflecting on past events, thinking over problems and 

concerns, making plans, or daydreaming. This type of thinking involves semantic 

memory. But for renovation work, you need to shift your attention away from semantic 

memory and onto event memory and procedural memory. Mindfulness can help you 

notice the manifestations of event memory which you normally wouldn't pay attention to 

and will keep you focused on learning new habits (procedures). 

Mindfulness begins when you put your attention on what is going on with you in 

the present. It involves observing the physical sensations of your body, the images in 

your mind, your emotions, impulses, and thoughts. These are the ways event memory 

typically shows itself. 

The second component of mindfulness is detachment. By this, we mean that you 

observe your mind and body without reacting. Our natural tendency is to react to 

sensations, feelings, and impulses. If we get an itch, we scratch it. If we feel anxious 

about a situation, we tighten up or walk away. If we get angry, we shout at people. 

Often, we don't even realize what it is about a situation that makes us react. When 

practicing mindfulness, you let go of the need to react to your feelings and impulses. 

You just observe them objectively, as if they were happening to someone else. 

Practising detachment helps you develop control over which impulses you act on 

in daily life, many of which arise out of event memory and have little to do with your


present situation. Ideally, you should act on impulses that take you closer to your goals- 

-those that help you foster better relationships, take advantage of opportunities, benefit 

your health, care for your family or community, have fun, and lead a more fulfilling life. 

Impulses that would take you further from your goals--those that would undermine your 

relationships, career, health, family, or enjoyment--can be observed but should not be 

acted on. Practicing mindfulness strengthens your executive function's ability to resist 

bad impulses and make better choices. 

The third component of mindfulness is to resist storytelling, which is the desire to 

interpret the feelings and impulses you are observing. Human beings have a strong 

need to make sense of the world, to use our semantic memory to construct explanations 

for things. For instance, let's say you notice a pain in your left hip. You may tell yourself 

it is the result of over-exercising the day before, or not exercising enough recently. You 

might decide you've been sitting in the same position for too long or that you might be 

starting to get arthritis. You might remember your grandfather had such pains and 

decide it is something genetic. All these explanations may have some validity, or none. 

The trouble is that once you find a reasonable explanation for the pain, you may to stop 

paying attention to it. And that may cause you to miss what is really going on. When 

practising mindfulness, you want to avoid drawing conclusions prematurely. Simply 

observe your mind and body and resist the urge to make sense of it. 

The ability to resist storytelling brings many benefits. For instance, if you get 

angry with your child, your first instinct may be to blame your anger on something the 

child did or didn't do, which justifies punishing or chastising her. In other words, you tell 

yourself a story in which the child is a threat you need to stop. However, another reason 

you got angry could be that your child or something else triggered your event memory of 

a situation from your past in which you were scared by a real threat. Your response


might have been appropriate in the past situation, but not in the present one. Learning 

to be mindful will help you become better at knowing whether you are reacting 

appropriately to the present situation. 

The final component of mindfulness is to stay focused. Don't let your attention 

wander. Your goal is to integrate the experiences stored in event memory into your 

psyche. The reason they haven't been integrated already is because they were 

unpleasant, so you have avoided paying attention to them. Part of mindfulness is the 

ability to pay attention to these things until they are integrated. Once that happens, they 

will lose their power and you will not be triggered as easily. 

An Exercise in Mindfulness 

Here's a simple exercise you can do to develop your mindfulness skills: 

1. Go somewhere private where you will not be disturbed for an hour or so, either 

by other people or by your body's needs. In other words, turn off your phone, shut the 

door or go somewhere isolated, and pick a time when you're not hungry or tired. 

2. Begin by noticing the sensations in your body. Are any parts of your body hot 

or cold, tense, or relaxed, in pain or feeling good, energetic or tired, tingly or itchy? 

3. As you notice these sensations, say them aloud (this is one reason you should 

be alone when doing this). Saying them aloud makes the observations feel more 

tangible and helps you stay focused. 

4. As you do this, remember the components we mentioned above. Observe the 

sensations in a detached way, without reacting or interpreting them. Stay focused. 

5. Once you've done the above step thoroughly, call to mind a situation in your 

life you feel good about, or perhaps a pleasant memory. Dwell on this situation for at 

least 30 seconds and up to a minute. Then shift your attention back to the sensations


your body is experiencing. Say them aloud, like you did before. 

6. Now repeat the last step but use an unpleasant situation or memory. Notice 

the difference in how your body reacts to unpleasant memories compared to pleasant 

ones. 

You should repeat the above exercise until you are good at observing 

sensations. Once you have some skill, you can start being mindful of other things that 

arise in your mind and body while doing this practice, things such as: 

* Impulses 

* Images 

* Emotions 

* Moods 

* Thoughts 

Treat these just as you did sensations. Observe them without reacting or being 

drawn into them. Say each one aloud. 

Don't be in a hurry to add the additional types of observations into your 

mindfulness practice. Stick with observing sensations until you are good at it and then 

slowly add in the rest. The point is to develop the skill of observing in a detached way. 

Some people take years of effort to get good at mindfulness, depending on how often 

they practise, but they are rewarding years. 

If you reach the point where you can consistently observe sensations and 

impulses without reacting or getting distracted, you have enough ability at mindfulness 

to proceed with renovation work, provided you also master the next skill... 

Resourcing


The second skill you need for doing renovation work on your own is resourcing. 

Renovation work can be emotionally tasking, because you will be looking at some of 

your worst experiences. To stop yourself from being dragged down by the negative 

feelings these memories trigger, you need to counterbalance them with positive 

feelings. Resourcing is the practice of triggering positive feelings and emotions by 

looking at good or happy memories. 

If you have led a less than happy life, you may feel you don't have many good 

memories to call upon. Fortunately, there is a trick you can use in this situation. It turns 

out positive fantasies can be as powerful as memories in generating good feelings. 

When practising resourcing, you can use either memories or fantasies, whichever works 

best at the time. 

The practice of resourcing can have a positive effect on your life and your family 

even if you aren't using it for renovation work. For instance, most of us know decisions 

we make while angry or afraid are usually bad ones. This is because fear and anger 

often arise from either our inborn procedural memory (instinct) or event memory. These 

emotions make us "fight or take flight." This can be a good response when we face an 

urgent threat and don't have time to think about how to respond. For instance, if you see 

a small child about to fall off a piece of playground apparatus, your instinct to rush over 

and catch them can save a life. However, most of the problems we deal with aren't 

urgent or life-threatening. 

If you are facing a situation you have trained for or have often dealt with in the 

past, it is usually best to rely on your procedural memory. If it's a novel problem, you 

should take your time and use semantic memory and your executive function to think 

through the problem. Ask yourself questions like, "What do I know about this situation?", 

"What are my options?", "What's best in the long run?", "How does this situation fit into


the big picture?", or "What's the most logical way to approach this problem?" Working 

with semantic memory helps you assess a situation accurately and thoroughly and 

come up with a smarter response. 

However, if your event memory is triggered when you face a non-urgent, non-life 

threatening situation, you may experience a lot of anxiety, anger, or other emotions that 

cause you to ignore your semantic memory. You may be so focused on the perceived 

threat that you overlook important information and considerations that could help you 

make a better decision. You may act without considering all the consequences of your 

actions. 

Resourcing helps you calm emotions like fear and anger. It can put you in a state 

where you are more likely to engage your semantic memory and make better, more 

rational decisions, whether as a parent or in any other aspect of your life. Practised 

regularly, resourcing can help you lower your daily stress levels and handle problems 

better. 

Developing your resources involves four steps. We'll look at each one in turn. 

Accessing 

To develop your ability to resource, start by writing a list of things that make you 

feel good when you think about them. These are the resources you can call to mind 

whenever you need to calm yourself. They can include: 

* Memories of happy events or people you loved. 

* Your personal qualities, skills, or strengths you feel good about or proud of. 

* Things or people in your life you feel grateful for. 

* Activities you do or have done that are enjoyable or fulfilling. 

* Anything you are a fan of (e.g., sports teams, famous people, works of fiction,


music, your heroes). 

* Religious, spiritual, or philosophical ideas you find uplifting. 

* Great leaders, teachers, or historical figures who inspire you. 

* Your greatest accomplishments. 

* Your favorite possessions. 

* A fantasy about your ideal future or something you would love to do. 

* Anything else that you feel good when thinking about. 

When you are working through experiences in event memory, you can get 

bogged down in the negative emotions they generate and forget about the positive 

aspects of your life. Having a written list of resources by your side makes it easier to call 

them to mind. 

Deepening 

The second stage of resourcing is to deepen the resources on your list, so they 

are more effective in generating positive feelings. You do this by working with your 

event memory. Here's the procedure: 

1. Pick a time and place where you will be undisturbed for 10 to 30 minutes. 

2. Choose one of the resources on your list. 

3. Bring to mind an image of that resource. If the resource is an event or a 

person, picture that event or person. If the resource is one of your personal qualities or 

traits, imagine yourself using that trait with great success. If it is an activity, picture 

yourself enjoying doing that activity. If it's a work of fiction, perhaps think about your 

favorite scene or character. If it's a philosophy, think about one the most inspiring 

passages or imagine a scene that symbolizes that philosophy. 

Feel free to use your imagination to change the image in any way that generates


stronger positive feelings. If it's a memory, you can imagine it even better than what 

happened. The point is to create an image that helps you feel as good as possible. 

4. Put yourself in the scene. For instance, if your resource is one of your heroes, 

you might imagine shaking their hand, getting praise from them, or helping them do 

something great. 

5. Now make the image as detailed and vivid as possible. Try to engage as many 

of your senses as possible. What sounds or smells are present? What is the weather 

like? Can you feel the ground or furniture beneath you or the texture of anything you are 

touching? If you are eating or drinking anything, how does it taste? What visual details 

can you add to make it seem more real? 

6. Once you have created a vivid image/fantasy of your resource, turn your 

attention to your body in the present. Practice a little of your mindfulness. Notice the 

sensations in your body. 

If your body is feeling uncomfortable, go back to the fantasy for a few moments. 

Then shift your attention back to your body. (If your body is very uncomfortable, perhaps 

just put your attention on a small part of it at first.) 

Keep shifting your attention back and forth between the fantasy and your body. 

You want to train your body in this manner to relax and generate positive sensations in 

response to the fantasy. It may take many sessions to achieve this, but once you do you 

will be able to feel calm and relaxed at any time just by calling to mind one of your 

resources. 

Anchoring 

Anchoring is the process of engaging your procedural memory in your resourcing 

work. In other words, you want to make resourcing a habit, so you will automatically


calm yourself whenever you are facing a stressful situation. 

Anchoring requires you to make resourcing a regular part of your life, just like you 

would with an exercise program. Perhaps make it part of your morning routine, 

something you do before you leave the house for work. Or perhaps you can make it 

something you do each evening before bed. You don't have to spend a lot of time on it. 

Even two minutes a day can be enough. The important thing is to do it consistently. 

Even reviewing your list of resources regularly can help you stay in a better 

frame of mind in your daily life. It's a good idea to put your list somewhere you will see it 

every day -- on the bathroom mirror or the refrigerator. Many people put up pictures of 

their children, because seeing those images generates good feelings. You can do the 

same for any item on your resource list. You may make a scrapbook or vision board 

with images of all the positive things you have or want in your life. The more you think 

about your resources, the calmer and more optimistic you will be in daily life, and the 

better your decisions will be in general. Plus, when you are in a happier frame of mind, 

you will find it easier to foster good relationships with others. 

Widening 

Having one resource you can call to mind when you need to calm yourself is 

good. Having many resources you can call to mind is better. Use a variety of resources 

when doing the resourcing exercise. Add to your resource list whenever you think of 

new items. 

Even better is to incorporate more things into your life that are resources. Make 

time to do things you enjoy. Socialize with people you enjoy being with. Watch TV 

shows or movies that make you feel good. Read up on subjects that inspire you. 

Perhaps join a club dedicated to a topic or activity on your resource list. Making time for


things that make you feel good will make it easier to handle situations in your life you 

find stressful. 

Application 

To determine if you have mastered resourcing, practise using it to change how 

you feel about situations you currently find stressful or upsetting. Try calling to mind a 

recent upsetting situation, perhaps a problem at work or with a relationship. Feel the 

upset, observe it with mindfulness. Then call to mind one of your resources. Try to use 

the resource to move from being stressed and upset into a calm and positive frame of 

mind. 

The final test will be to use resourcing to handle situations in the present. If you 

know you are about to face a stressful situation, try taking a few minutes to resource 

yourself first. If something upsetting happens that doesn't require an immediate 

response, take a little time to resource yourself before responding. Most likely, you will 

find you make better decisions in a resourced state of mind.


Chapter 28: Planning Your Renovation 

Before you can renovate memories, you must identify which of your past 

experiences may be limiting your current happiness, security, and even success in your 

life. At the same time, you want to remind yourself of the gifts you have received and 

experiences that serve as resources for you. 

If you think of your psyche as a building, each of the levels we have been 

discussing is one story. Each story is built upon the stories below and depends upon 

them for stability. Ideally, the lower stories will be strong and stable so they can support 

the upper stories. But that is not always the case. Sometimes a lower level may not 

have been built as solidly as it should have. Sometimes a level can get damaged and 

need repair. Consequently, the stories built on top of it are not as stable as they should 

be. If you hope to create an environment for your children that is better than the one you 

experienced, you should first stabilize all the levels within your own psyche. Your inner 

stability will help you create stability in your child’s environment. 

Let's assume, for instance, someone is raised in an Individuality home with all the 

gifts of the levels below. The children lead safe lives, secure in their relationships with 

their parents and with all their physical needs met. They are taught to fulfill their role in 

the family, just as the parents fulfill theirs. The home environment is governed by rules,


which makes life predictable. 

Having reached the Individuality level, the family is mindful of appearing 

respectable in public. The children are encouraged to win accolades in school or their 

community, while at home or in private spaces they are given opportunities to develop 

and pursue their own interests. All well and good. 

However, let's say something happens to undermine the situation. Perhaps the 

parents' marriage goes through a difficult period and they end up separating 

temporarily. Perhaps as a result, the children lose contact with their father for a time, or 

they live in fear of doing so. This can create weakness on the Provision level. Even 

though the children's upbringing would still be one of Individuality, the experience may 

leave them with a measure of anxiety or anger. They may become adults who are less 

trustful of relationships with men or women (depending on which parent they blame for 

the separation). Or they may blame themselves for their parents’ breakup and carry a 

feeling of guilt or unworthiness into their adult lives. Either way, this insecurity and 

distrust can impede their ability to receive the benefits of higher levels--Structured 

Family, Fellowship, and Individuality--which require the ability to form good relationships 

with others. They still have the gifts, just not as securely. 

For example, both authors of this book were raised in Individuality level homes. 

However, they also had negative experiences in childhood on the Provision level. For 

Eric, it was an eighteen-month period when his father left the family to serve in Korea. 

During this time, Eric, his mother, and his sister moved in with his mother's parents. His 

mother went back to school, so she was not around much, which meant his home 

environment was largely shaped by his grandparents during this time. 

Once Eric's father returned, the family went back to living in their own home at 

the Individuality level. However, this brief period of his father's absence and his mother's


weaker presence left Eric with a weakness on the Provision level in the form of a 

residual fear of abandonment--even though his overall upbringing was one of 

Individuality. 

In Glen's case, his parents separated when he was quite young. He and his 

mother moved in with her widowed mother for most of his early childhood, and his 

mother worked full-time. The consequence was that, though his needs were always 

provided for, he suffered from an insecure connection with his father and residual 

anxiety over abandonment. 

Let's take a different kind of misfortune. Let's imagine a little girl going up in an 

Individuality home. One day, she is raped by a distant cousin. It is only an isolated 

incident, but the experience is so overwhelming--not just physically painful, but a violent 

rupturing of the girl's understanding of the world as a safe place, that the girl copes by 

repressing her awareness and memory of the experience. 

Years later, perhaps well into adulthood, repressing the memory has become 

habitual, to the point that the girl, now a woman, has only a vague memory of the event. 

It is effectively walled off in a corner of her psyche. We call such an experience a 

trauma, and repressing the memory is a natural way the mind protects itself from 

overwhelming experiences. Nonetheless, the experience still resides in the woman's 

event memory. If something appears in her environment that reminds her of her 

traumatic experience, she may find herself triggered into anxiety, fear, or anger. She 

may behave in ways that might have made sense during the original event but seem 

irrational in the present. She might dissociate or "zone out." She might experience a 

phobia, or she might become antagonistic toward others. If she tries to create an 

Individuality environment for her children, these sorts of impulsive behaviors and 

reactions can undermine her effort. Her children may grow up less secure because


every now and then they will see their mother acting irrationally. 

Now, you probably know of some experiences in your childhood or youth that 

were upsetting or traumatic. Everyone has had a few. They may consist of isolated 

events that unfolded in less than a day, such as a bad accident, a fight, or undergoing 

surgery with full anesthesia. Or they may be sustained events that unfolded over a 

matter of weeks or months. You may have experiences that relate to several different 

levels. What makes these experiences significant is that they should not have happened 

at your level. They were something that belonged to a level far below that of your 

upbringing, a sharp departure from normality. 

Upsetting and traumatic experiences cause problems because they are isolated 

from the rest of your conscious mind along with the anxiety and other reactions you 

experienced when they occurred. Because the experiences violated your understanding 

of the world, you had no way to make sense of them. If a reminder of an experience that 

happened years ago can still provoke you into behaving irrationally today, it means you 

still haven't made sense of it. You haven't integrated it into your understanding of the 

world, and the anxiety and reactions remain in your body. 

The way to recover from painful experiences is to integrate them into your 

conscious mind, to make sense of them, so they are not at odds with your present 

experience of reality. In the process, you will renovate and stabilize whichever level they 

relate to within your psyche and give you the wherewithal to receive the gifts of that 

level more securely. Integrating these experiences will free you from irrational impulses 

and help you to respond to situations in ways that lead to success and better 

relationships. You will become happier and more secure, and your children will benefit. 

You may have had some traumatic experiences you don't easily remember, 

because you habitually repress them or because you don't think of them as traumatic.


We won't worry about these just now. Memories of such experiences may grow in 

significance once you feel safe enough to review them. If you have traumatic memories 

that seem overwhelming, you may want to consult a psychotherapist who specializes in 

healing from trauma. Tapping into memories abruptly can sometimes trigger feelings 

and impulses that are difficult to manage and have negative consequences. A 

professional can make sure the process is measured and safe. If you can easily access 

the services of a skilled psychotherapist, that is often the best approach to doing 

renovation work. However, if that is not an option, you can still do a lot of beneficial work 

on your own. But for safety's sake, you should only attempt to work with experiences 

that come to mind easily on their own. We will also show you how to work through 

upsetting experiences at a proper pace, so you make progress but don't become 

overwhelmed. 

The method is as follows: 

1. Find some quiet, alone time in which to do this work. 

2. Spend a few minutes getting into a resourced state of mind, using the 

techniques described in the previous chapter. 

3. Review memories related to your own and higher levels. You likely 

have had some exposure to all levels, even if they were not your 

“normal” environment growing up. Do the following with each level, 

beginning with Inclusion and working your way down one level at a 

time, finishing with your own level. 

a) Make a list of any positive relationships or sustained experiences you had at the 

level. Deepen into each of these in turn and notice how your body responds. 

b) Make a list of any positive single events at that level. Deepen into each of these 

in turn and notice how your body responds.


The middle column of the table below lists general types of positive experiences 

related to each level. You may use it to home in on specific experiences you have had 

in your life. 

By the time you have reviewed each of the higher levels, and your own level, you 

will likely have expanded your resource list. 

4. Review the level directly below your own. Make a list of the ways 

you received and experienced the gifts of that level in your life. As 

you do so, take some time to reflect on these gifts and notice how 

your body responds. 

5. Regarding the level you are working on, consider your experiences 

over the past ten years. Write down any single events, sustained 

events or significant relationships that were unpleasant because 

the gift of that level was absent or violated. The right-hand column 

of the table below lists types of unpleasant experiences common 

for each level, which you may use as a guide when reviewing 

specific experiences from your own life. 

6. For each of the unpleasant experiences you noted, briefly note how 

would things have been better had the gift of that level been 

present. As you imagine how things could have gone better, notice 

you your body responds. 

7. Repeat steps 5-6 for each preceding decade of your life, one at a 

time. 

8. Repeat steps 4-6 for each lower level, one at a time, in order, 

finishing with Survival. 

#


You may find you need multiple sessions to work through all the levels. 

Whenever you begin a new session, always start by resourcing. For instance, you might 

briefly review the notes you made in a previous session on your positive experiences 

from levels above your own, then deepen into some of these before resuming the work 

at the point you left off in the last session.


Environment 

How the Gifts are 

Experienced 

How the Absence of a Gift May Be 

Experienced 

Survival • Surviving. 

• Having your life saved. 

• Saving your own life. 

• Feeling safe and 

protected from 

physical attack. 

! War, violent unrest, anarchy. 

! Murder. 

! Torture. 

! Life threatening physical 

assault. 

! High speed accidents and 

falls. 

! Near drowning or 

electrocution. 

! Life-threatening infections, 

birth complications, weather, 

or animal attacks. 

! Surgery. 

Provision • Having a secure 

connection to a parent 

or partner. 

• Having your basic 

needs securely met 

! Human trafficking (slavery, 

prostitution, indentured 

servitude). 

! Forced confinement, captivity, 

kidnapping, prison.


(food, housing, 

clothing, healthcare). 

• Being cared for. 

! Famine or drought. 

! Starvation, malnutrition. 

! Extreme poverty. 

! Severe neglect. 

! Abandonment. 

! Homelessness. 

! Moving to a new community (if 

the experience is upsetting). 

! Boarding school, summer 

camp (if the experience is 

upsetting). 

! Severe loss of income or 

fortune. 

! Denial of necessary medical 

treatment. 

! Loss of a parent or caregiver. 

! Rejection by a parent or 

caregiver. 

! Emotional neglect. 

! Separation or divorce. 

Structured Family • Being a valued part of ! Social unrest.


your family. 

• Having the boundaries 

of your role and body 

respected. 

! Physical, sexual, or emotional 

assault by someone with 

greater power (non-life 

threatening). 

! Significant betrayal or 

disrespect from a family 

member. 

! Adultery. 

! Invasive medical procedures 

not involving full anesthesia 

(e.g., broken bones, minor 

injuries, dental surgery). 

Fellowship • Being part of a 

community where 

everyone follows the 

rules. 

• Being treated fairly and 

having the same rights 

as others. 

• Being free to act as 

you wish within the 

rules. 

• Living in an orderly 

and predictable home 

! . 

! Abuse of power or authority. 

! Hypocrisy, deception. 

! Sexual perversion (as defined 

by the community), incest. 

! Heresy (religious, political, or 

philosophical). 

! Crime. 

! Broken promises or 

agreements. 

! Other examples of severe rule


Individuality 

and community. 

• Enjoying success in 

school, your career, or 

other public spheres. 

• Being seen as a 

respectable member of 

your community 

• Finding fulfillment and 

enjoyment through 

interests and activities 

you pursue in your 

private life. 

• Having your 

community tolerate 

your idiosyncrasies 

and respect your 

privacy. 

• Having your right to 

your unique thoughts 

and feelings 

respected. 

breaking. 

! Social stigma. 

! Bullying, shaming, or shunning 

by a community. 

! Embarrassment. 

! Intolerance or prejudice based 

on ethnicity, creed, religion, 

gender, sexual orientation, 

ability, or age. 

! Invasion of privacy. 

! Blackmail. 

! Intolerance of differing 

opinions. 

! Mind control, brainwashing. 

Inclusion • Feeling free and 

welcome to express 

! Denial of self-expression or the 

exclusion of one's individuality


yourself authentically 

in public spaces and 

all areas of your life. 

• Having others treat 

your unique 

perspective and 

identity as valid. 

from the social fabric. 

! Gaslighting. 

! Invalidation of personal 

experiences, thoughts, 

feelings. 

! Silencing. 

! Denial of gender or racial 

identity, disability, neurological 

differences, or other aspects of 


By the time you are finished reviewing all the levels, you should have a list of the 

unpleasant and possibly traumatic experiences in your memory, as well as a much 

longer list of resources. 

Some things you should be aware of when making your Renovation List: 

1. Generally, "traumatic" experiences are found two or more levels below the 

level you were raised at. They need to be far removed from your reality to overwhelm 

your mind and cause you to dissociate. Experiences one level below your own 

upbringing may be painful or upsetting but are generally not traumatic in this sense. 

2. Experiences at your own level may be unpleasant but will also seem like a 

normal part of life. They are less likely to be as upsetting as those one or two levels 

down. It may only be when your psyche shifts to the next higher level that you become 

truly upset by these experiences. 

3. Experiences at levels above the one you were raised at are also less likely to


be upsetting or traumatic for you. You may even have a hard time empathizing with 

someone who is upset about an experience at a higher level. Like when people joke 

about "rich people's problems" or "white people's problems," you may look at someone's 

experiences at higher levels and think, "I wish my problems were that trivial." Include 

upsetting experiences from higher levels if you have had them, but consider that what 

you find upsetting about them may in fact be connected to a lower level. 

4. A threat doesn't have to manifest for you to be traumatized or upset by it. 

Obviously, you don't have to be killed to be left with a Survival level trauma. A situation 

in which you experience a legitimate threat to your life or your physical safety--one that 

makes you afraid of being killed--can be traumatic. The same applies to events on other 

levels. Any threat that seems legitimate at the time can be upsetting. A threat two or 

more levels down can be traumatic if you believe it is real. 

5. You don't have to be the obvious victim of an experience for it to be upsetting 

or traumatic. Through the power of empathy, witnessing someone be harmed, causing 

someone harm, or rescuing someone who was harmed can be upsetting or traumatic 

for you as well.


Chapter 29: Deciding What to Renovate First. 

Once you have completed the work of the previous two chapters, gained 

sufficient skills in mindfulness and resourcing, reviewed your memories, and prepared a 

Renovation List, you are ready to begin renovating your psyche by integrating 

unpleasant experiences--changing them from impediments to your life into sources of 

wisdom. Much like how a broken bone that heals is stronger than before it was broken, 

integrating past experiences will make you more capable of handling new and difficult 

situations. 

To gain the most benefit from renovation work in the shortest time, it is best to 

integrate events on the lowest levels of your psyche first, because they create the most 

instability in your psyche. If you imagine your psyche is a multi-story building, you can 

see that weakness in the structure of one level will create weakness on every level 

above it. Take, for instance, life-threatening experiences, which belong to the lowest 

level, Survival. Such experiences make it difficult for someone to feel other people or 

the world are safe, which makes it difficult for them to trust or cooperate with others. As 

a result, bad experiences on the Survival level make all other levels less stable. If you 

have such experiences, you should renovate them first, as that will strengthen and 

stabilize every other level and improve your access to all the gifts you would have


received had the life-threatening events not occurred. 

If you have no Survival experiences on your Renovation List, you should begin 

your renovation work at the Provision level, where experiences of deprivation or loss 

may have left you with a deep-seated belief that you cannot count on other people or 

the world to provide for you. Such experiences will not affect you on the Survival level, 

but they do create instability on the Provision level and every level above it, making it 

harder to participate in a family or community. 

However, we have one caveat. Some experiences may be too traumatic for you 

to renovate on your own. In such cases, either the renovation effort will not work or, 

worse, you may be triggered into negative reactions you cannot handle. To integrate 

larger or more intense traumas, you will probably need professional help. Fortunately, 

there is a way to identify which experiences you can safely work through on your own, 

and which ones you should not. 

The Working Window 

You can tell if an experience is suitable for renovating on your own by paying 

attention to the feelings and sensations it generates in your body when you recall it 

vividly. This is where your skill at mindfulness will help you. 

A person's autonomic nervous system will shift into one of five distinct states in 

response to whatever situation she finds herself in or calls to mind. When you vividly 

recall an unpleasant experience, your body will generate sensations that correspond to 

one of these five states. The state is an indicator of how upsetting or traumatic the 

experience was, the extent to which it remains unintegrated, and how difficult it will be to 

integrate. 

Here is what the five states look like:


State 0: Integrated 

Stress Level: relaxed and alert 

Sensations: warmth, fullness, comfort 

Emotions: happy, calm, optimistic, open, pleasure 

This is the state your body experiences when you are feeling good or having fun 

in the present, when you have little stress. You may also experience this state when you 

are resourced--when you are thinking about happy memories, pleasant fantasies, or 

other subjects you find uplifting or enjoyable. 

If you remain in this state while vividly recalling an unpleasant experience, that 

experience has already been integrated and you don't need to renovate it further. If you 

can laugh about the experience, that's even better. 

State 1: Easy to Integrate 

Stress Level: mild stress 

Sensations: uncomfortable, restless, irritated, tense, pressured, itchy, warm 

Emotions: anxious, annoyed, determined 

Unpleasant experiences at your own level will probably fall into this category. 

They were upsetting at the time they happened because you were unprepared. Once 

such experiences are integrated, you will probably handle similar situations better in the 

future, though it would help to prepare yourself by working with your semantic memory-- 

gaining information that can help you in such situations or devising strategies that can 

help you handle them better. 

You may also have some experiences from lower levels that fall into this 

category because they have been largely integrated already, either spontaneously or


because you have done some reflective work on them. They may still be upsetting, but 

not as much as they used to be. 

State 2: Challenging to Integrate 

Stress Level: high stress 

Sensations: intense tightness, pressure, wound up, hot, strong discomfort 

Emotions: angry, scared, panicked 

Unpleasant experiences one level down from your own will probably fall into this 

category. They are more stressful or upsetting because they were difficult to handle at 

the time, and you feel they should have been easier. Worse, you are not confident you 

could handle a similar situation if it were to arise, and that thought bothers you. You 

may not feel you can be calm enough to think through a similar situation, so the best 

you can do is rely on event or procedural memory. You may have consciously or 

unconsciously developed habits intended to help you avoid such situations in the future. 

You may also have some past experiences that were traumatic at the time but 

have already been partially integrated. As a result, recalling them now will generate 

State 2 sensations, but they no longer generate State 3 sensations. 

State 3: Difficult to Integrate 

Stress Level: mild trauma 

Sensations: heaviness, fatigue, cold, lethargy 

Emotions: hopeless, helpless, pessimistic 

Unpleasant experiences two levels or more down from your own will likely fall 

into this category. Often you will feel like you were powerless to prevent them, and that 

sense of powerlessness is one reason they are so debilitating. Consciously or


unconsciously, you probably feel unable to handle similar experiences in the future, 

which may be correct. When a situation arises that seems like the one that was 

traumatic, your response will be determined by event memory. You will react as if the 

original scenario was repeating. 

Traumatic experiences such as these can be integrated, but they will require 

more skill, time, and effort. You will likely need help from a qualified therapist to 

integrate them. 

State 4: Very Difficult to Integrate 

Stress level: severe trauma 

Sensations: blankness, emptiness, no sensation 

Emotions: disconnected 

Experiences two or more levels down from your own may have been so severely 

traumatic that any attempt to integrate them on your own will either fail or will risk an 

overwhelming triggering of event memory that may do more harm than good. In such 

cases, you should seek help from a qualified therapist. Do not attempt to integrate such 

traumas on your own. 

Using the above categories, you can determine if an experience falls within the 

range that is suitable for you to work on by yourself. We call this range your "working 

window." 

If an experience generates State 0 sensations, then it is outside your working 

window because it is already integrated. 

An experience that generates State 4 sensations will be outside your working 

window because it is too difficult for you to integrate on your own. The potential for


triggering bad reactions is high. 

An experience that generates State 3 sensations will be outside the working 

window for most people, but not everyone. If you have a lot of experience and skill in 

this work, or if you have access to a friend or a support group with skills and experience 

in trauma recovery who can help, you might be able to integrate the experience. If you 

don’t have much experience or resources, a qualified therapist can help you integrate 

such experiences. But for most people it is too risky to work with such experiences 

without professional help. 

Your working window will include experiences that generate State 1 or State 2 

sensations and possibly State 3 sensations. Note, however, that the amount of stress 

and upset a person can handle when doing this work varies. Some people have quite 

narrow working windows. If you find the work too upsetting, follow our tips for 

proceeding at a slower, more gradual pace so you don't become overwhelmed. Stay 

within your window. 

Guidelines for Selecting Experiences to Work On 

Keeping in mind your working window, the guidelines for choosing which 

experiences to integrate first are as follows: 

1. Begin with the lowest level where you have experiences that are not integrated 

(produce other than State 0 sensations) and that fall within your working window. 

2. Within your chosen level, integrate sustained events first, starting with the 

least upsetting. 

3. Once you have integrated all the sustained events of a level, integrate single 

events on that level. Again, do the least upsetting events first. 

4. If an experience generates State 3 or State 4 sensations, postpone work on


that experience until you have the skills and resources (such as a therapist) you need to 

handle it. 

5. Once you have integrated all the events you can within a level, proceed to the 

next highest level and repeat steps 2 to 4. 

The reason you do the least upsetting events in each category first is that the 

more upsetting or traumatic an experience is, the more skill and time it will take to 

integrate. By starting with the least upsetting experiences, you will build your skills and 

confidence faster, so you will be better equipped to integrate the more upsetting or 

traumatic experiences later. 

As you proceed up the levels, you will likely notice that integrating experiences 

gets easier and faster, both because your skills are improving and because you will be 

working with less upsetting events. You may also notice the benefit of integrating each 

experience may decline a little, since experiences on higher levels will be less 

destabilizing to your psyche. Nonetheless, you will continue to reap benefits with each 

experience that gets integrated--benefits that include feelings of happiness and security, 

the abilities to form trusting, cooperative relationships with others, and the many 

opportunities such relationships can bring. The most precious benefit will be the 

opportunity to be a more effective parent and enjoy better relationships with your 

children.


Chapter 30: Renovation 

Before you begin renovation work, you should have done the tasks from the 

previous chapters. You should have prepared a Renovation List, so you know what 

experiences need to be integrated. You should have decided the order in which you will 

work on them. You must have enough skill at mindfulness to be able to observe your 

body's sensations and impulses without reacting. And you must be able to use 

resourcing to calm yourself and generate good feelings. 

Although we stress the need for skills, you should also know renovation is a 

natural process. Your mind has the ability and tendency to integrate upsetting 

experiences and emerge stronger all on its own, provided the conditions are right. Let's 

look at how this works before we show you how to intentionally make it happen. 

Imagine a child starting life. Neither her semantic nor event memory systems 

have developed. She hasn't learned or experienced anything. The only resource she 

has is a small amount of procedural memory that is hardwired into her DNA. This inborn 

procedural memory is what people often call "instinct." 

The child's reaction to any new and scary experience will be purely instinctual. 

Perhaps she responds with "fight or flight" behavior. Perhaps she cries for help or feigns 

paralysis (a tactic that helps avoid attracting the attention of a threat until it has passed).


Afterward, the experience will get stored in the child's event memory where it will help 

her react to similar situations from then on. However, as the child gets older, she will 

develop her semantic memory. She will acquire information about the world that helps 

her make choices and exercise control over aspects of her life. She will develop 

effective habits (procedural memory). She will grow more confident, so situations that 

used to upset her are easier to handle or avoid. 

Or, to take an adult example, imagine you are walking along a narrow stony path 

that winds up the side of a steep hill. It is raining, and at one point your foot slips on a 

wet rock and you fall. Instinctively, you use your hands to stop yourself from going over 

the edge--a long drop that might have been fatal. You pull yourself back up and start to 

make your way back down the path. The near disaster is fresh in your event memory, 

and the fear of going over the edge changes how you walk. You pay close attention to 

the path. Every wet rock that reminds you of the one you slipped on makes you 

nervous. You proceed carefully and test each footstep, making sure it is safe before you 

commit. 

Once you are at the bottom of the hill, and the danger of falling has passed, you 

take some time to calm down and try to make sense of the experience. What could you 

have done to prevent that brush with death? Maybe your mistake was getting distracted. 

Maybe you needed shoes with better treads. Or perhaps you should have postponed 

your walk until the path was dry. This type of thinking helps you achieve a greater sense 

of agency. The accident didn't have to happen. Your choices played a role. And that 

means making better choices can prevent accidents in the future. You fill your semantic 

memory with ideas about how to handle such situations. As you review the experience 

in this way, you feel less anxious about it. The fear surrounding the experience that was 

lodged in your event memory begins to dissipate.


From that day forward, you practise new behaviors to keep yourself safe. You 

always wear good shoes on walks. You don't take steep paths in wet weather. You pay 

closer attention to the paths you take. Eventually, these practices become part of your 

procedural memory. Keeping yourself safe becomes second nature. Steep paths no 

longer make you nervous. The memory of the time you slipped may become nothing but 

a funny story. 

The above is what would happen if the conditions were ideal. Upsetting novel 

experiences first become part of your event memory. Later, you use semantic memory 

to figure out how to avoid or manage them. Then you train your procedural memory to 

follow the measures you have worked out. In this way, an experience becomes 

integrated into your psyche, leaving you wiser, more confident, and better skilled at 

handling similar situations. 

Unfortunately, the conditions after an experience are not always ideal. With some 

experiences, you may not see how you could have avoided or mitigated the situation. 

That's a scary thought because it means you have no power. This is especially true with 

things that happened when you were young and had less control over your life. With 

some experiences, you may not reach a safe place where your psyche feels it can 

begin the work of integrating the experience. You may feel vulnerable for a long time 

afterward--maybe forever. 

When you don't feel safe enough for your mind to integrate an experience, or 

when you feel you can't do anything to prevent similar experiences from happening, you 

may experience a lot of anxiety and fear. What if it happens again? Will you survive next 

time? How do you go on, knowing that at any moment you could be faced with a dire 

threat? Of course, you can't spend all your time focused on that one experience. Other 

situations will demand your attention. Before the experience is integrated, you will be


forced to stop thinking about it and get on with other aspects of life. 

As a result, the upsetting experience may remain unintegrated. It can stay lodged 

in your event memory for many years, during which the fear associated with the event 

can emerge at particular times, causing you to behave irrationally. In effect, part of you 

is living as though you're still on the path. Your event memory will be alert for slippery 

rocks, seeing life threatening situations where they may not exist. 

Renovation work is about recognizing you're not on the path anymore. You've 

reached the bottom. You're safe. It's about creating the right conditions so your mind 

can at last integrate those upsetting experiences, turning them into wisdom and 

strength. 

Sustained Events 

We'll begin with the procedure for integrating sustained events. As we mentioned 

earlier, sustained events are highly stressful, upsetting, or traumatic events and 

situations you experience over a period of weeks or months. Sometimes they consist of 

a series of single events with a common cause, or they might be stressful situations that 

persist. Examples might include a fighting in a war, your parents lengthy divorce 

process, a bad relationship, a period of homelessness, being treated for cancer, or 

being bullied at school. 

Sustained events are experiences in which you feel trapped in a bad situation. If 

you could have escaped the situation, you might have done so right away, and it would 

have been at worst a single event. Having to endure a sustained event can damage to 

your psyche because it makes you lose confidence in your ability to protect yourself. It 

teaches you that you lack the power to change your circumstances. 

People who have experienced sustained events tend to react in one of two ways,


both of which stem from believing they have no ability to get out of bad situations. The 

first reaction is to avoid situations that have any similarities to the sustained event, even 

ones that may be good or beneficial, in case they turn bad later. For instance, if you 

were in a bad relationship that lasted months or years, you may be wary of entering any 

new relationship. If you had a terrible time at summer camp, you might avoid overnight 

travel or any situation you can't just get up and leave at a moment's notice. People who 

react this way tend to miss out on many beneficial relationships or opportunities. 

The second way people react is by staying in unpleasant situations longer than 

they should. Experience has taught them are powerless to get out of bad situations, so 

the only way to cope is to endure them. They act as though they are fated to endure 

stress and misery and see no point trying for anything better. They will stay in a bad 

relationship, a toxic workplace, a home they aren't happy in, or a social group they don't 

enjoy, rather than leave and look for a happier situation. If you have experienced 

sustained events that were upsetting or traumatic, part of integration work will be 

developing confidence in your ability to reject or escape from bad situations. 

As with mindfulness and resourcing, you will need to set aside time for this work 

when you won't be interrupted. A private space is usually best, though some people will 

prefer to have a trusted friend present for emotional support. Alternatively, a pet cat or 

dog can be a comforting presence while you do this work. 

1. Resource. 

Take a little time to deepen into one of your resources, so you begin this work 

from a place of relaxation and good feelings. 

2. Call to mind the sustained event you want to integrate.


Don't go too deeply into the memory at first. Just note the basic details of what 

happened. When did this sustained event begin? When did it end? What made the 

situation unpleasant? It may help to imagine you are looking at the experience from a 

distance. 

3. Imagine a solution. 

If you had the chance to live the experience over again, what might you do to get 

yourself out of it as quickly as possible or to change the situation for the better? Make a 

list of all the ways you can think of and choose one that makes you feel happy and 

empowered. 

4. Rehearse the solution. 

Replay the sustained event in your mind. Only this time, imagine yourself 

implementing your chosen solution at exactly the right moment. Imagine how things 

would have been if your solution worked perfectly. You can imagine you avoided the 

situation altogether or left as soon as it become unpleasant. Or you may choose to 

imagine doing something that changed the situation so that none of the unpleasantness 

occurred and it became a positive experience. See yourself safe or triumphant in the 

end. Take your time and be mindful of your body's sensations as you do this. Picture 

yourself in control the whole time. Let yourself relax and feel good about the outcome. 

5. Review the sustained event. 

Now replay the sustained event in your mind. This time see it exactly as it 

happened, without the solution you came up with. Notice your body sensations as you 

go along.


As you review the experience, you may find yourself feeling stressed or upset 

(States 1 or 2). That's good. When you are in the working window, integration is 

happening. On the other hand, if the sensations are overwhelming or if you start slipping 

into State 3 or 4, go back to your chosen resource and start over. Perhaps zoom out a 

little this time and look at the situation from a distance. Then stop and pay attention to 

your body's sensations. Let yourself calm down. Once you are calm, zoom in a little 

closer and replay the event in more detail. 

Repeat this until you can stay relaxed and engaged all the way through the 

replay of the experience. 

6. Learning to say "No" 

In this step, you will strengthen your ability to say "no" to the sustained event you 

experienced. This will help you say "no" to similar situations in the future. 

a) Begin by choosing a moment before the sustained event began when you felt 

resourced--when you felt good, relaxed, and happy. Deepen into this moment. Notice 

your body's sensations. 

b) Imagine the possibility of the sustained event arising. Begin by imagining the 

event is a long way away. For instance, if the event was a relationship, you might 

imagine the person beckoning you from a football field away, or the other side of a lake. 

If the event was an experience like a war or toxic work environment, you might imagine 

it as a remote possibility. See yourself very far removed from it. Notice the sensations 

generated in your body as you imagine the possibility of entering the situation. 

c) Now say "no" to the event. Dismiss it. Reject it. Send it packing. Watch it 

vanish as you do so and imagine your life unfolding without it. Again, notice how it feels 

to have said "no" to the event.


If you find it is easy to say "no" to the sustained event when it is remote, repeat 

the exercise, but make it a little closer, less of a remote possibility. Or you might 

imagine people pressuring you to say "yes" to the relationship or the situation. 

Keep repeating this exercise, making it a little harder each time until you can 

easily say "no" to the sustained event no matter how close it is or how strong the 

pressure to say "yes." 

Pay attention to what your physical sensations are telling you about what state 

you are in as you do this exercise. It's okay to experience discomfort and anxiety about 

saying "no" (States 1 or 2). But if you are experiencing State 3 or 4 sensations you 

should back off a little. Put the event further away or decrease the pressure to say 

"yes." Get comfortable with easy scenarios before you tackle harder ones. 

When you can comfortably say "no" to the sustained event without disconnecting, 

no matter how close it is or how great the pressure, you have completed the exercise. 

6. Learning to say "Yes." 

The final step is to develop the ability to say "yes" to better opportunities. Imagine 

you had a positive alternative to the sustained event you had experienced--a better 

situation or a better relationship you could have chosen instead. Maybe there was an 

alternative at the time you didn't say "yes" to, or maybe you couldn't see any 

alternatives. Nonetheless, the ability to say "yes" to good opportunities is as important 

as the ability to say "no" to bad situations. The sustained events you experienced in the 

past may have weakened your ability to say "yes" to good opportunities, and now is the 

time to regain or strengthen your ability. 

To begin, imagine there was a marvelous alternative to the sustained event you 

experienced. Maybe an alternative existed at the time that you could have chosen--a


better relationship, a better career choice, a better school or camp you could have gone 

to, a more enjoyable team, club, or circle of friends you could have joined. If not, 

imagine there was one. You can even imagine you could have chosen different parents 

or lived in a different neighborhood. Make a list of possibilities. As with solutions, you 

want to find an alternative you can feel good about, exactly what you wish you had 

experienced. 

Begin as usual by resourcing. Then imagine a crossroad. One path, a very 

difficult path, leads toward the bad event you experienced. The other path leads to the 

good alternative. The bad event is far in the distance. The good alternative is very close, 

and there are signs next to it saying, "Pick me!" Maybe there are people you trust gently 

urging you to take the good alternative. Notice the sensations in your body as you 

contemplate your decision. 

Imagine saying "yes" to the good alternative and taking the path that leads to it. 

Notice how good it feels to have taken the right path. See yourself enjoying the rewards 

of that choice. Perhaps picture people congratulating you for making the right decision. 

Repeat this exercise several times, making your choice to say "yes" a little harder 

each time. Perhaps you make the bad event a little closer and the good alternative a 

little further away. Perhaps the path to the good alternative gets a little harder while the 

path to the bad event gets easier. Perhaps the signage or the advice you receive 

changes a little each time to make it harder to say "yes" to the good alternative. 

However, no matter how hard you make the decision, ALWAYS SAY "YES" TO 

THE GOOD ALTERNATIVE. 

When you can easily say "yes" to the good alternative, no matter what conditions 

you set up, you will have completed this exercise.


Single Events 

Once you have integrated all the sustained events of a level, the next step is to 

integrate the single events. These are experiences that were over and done within a 

short period of time--perhaps less than an hour, certainly not more than a few days. 

Because single events are so brief, the procedure for integrating them is a little simpler. 

As always, you will want to set aside some time in a private space to do this 

work. Here is the procedure: 

1. Resource. 

Begin by taking a little time to deepen into one of your resources. You want to 

start this work from a place of relaxation and good feelings. 

2. Call to mind the experience you want to integrate. 

Don't go too deeply into it at first. You just want to remind yourself of the basic 

details of what happened. It may help to imagine you are looking at the experience from 

a distance. 

3. Imagine a solution. 

If you had the chance to live the experience over again, what might you do to 

prevent it? How could you have avoided the threat, or defended yourself? Make a list of 

all the ways you can think of. 

A good solution is one in which you take control of the situation and that makes 

you feel better as you do so. For instance, suppose you had the experience of being hit 

by a car while crossing a street on foot. You might imagine yourself looking more 

carefully before stepping onto the road or wearing reflective clothing so drivers could


see you better. Maybe you could have chosen not to cross that street. Maybe you could 

have taken a cab or bus to get where you were going. The point is to see yourself 

having power in the situation. How much power you had back then is irrelevant. You 

need to see yourself as having power now and power over future situations. Doing so 

will prepare you to relax and integrate the experience. 

Once you have made a list of all the solutions you can think of, choose the one 

that makes you feel most empowered. 

4. Rehearse the solution. 

Replay the upsetting experience in your mind. Only this time, imagine yourself 

implementing your chosen solution at exactly the right moment. Imagine the solution 

working perfectly. See yourself safe or triumphant in the end. Take your time and be 

mindful of your body's sensations as you do this. See yourself as in control the whole 

time. Pay attention to your body's sensations while you imagine your solution working. 

Let yourself relax and feel good about the outcome. 

Repeat this several times, in as much detail as you can. Do it until you can stay 

relaxed and engaged all the way through the replay of the experience. 

5. Resource. 

Recall or imagine a moment before the experience when you were resourced, 

when you felt good. It doesn't matter how much earlier this resourced moment was. 

Deepen into that resourced moment as much as you can. 

6. Review the experience. 

Starting from the moment you felt resourced, move through the memory of the


experience. This time see it exactly as it happened, without the solution you came up 

with. Notice your body sensations as you go along. 

As you review the experience, you may find yourself feeling stressed or upset 

(states 1 or 2). If your feelings are too strong to tolerate, go back to your resourced 

moment and start over. But this time only look at a little bit of the experience at a time. 

Maybe look at one moment or one detail. Then stop and pay attention to your body's 

sensations. Let yourself calm down. Once you are calm, then look at another detail. 

Stay within your "working window," because that is where integration of the event can 

happen. 

If you have a lot of trauma in your past, your working window may be quite 

narrow at first and you will need to take things more slowly. For some people, almost 

any stress or upset at all is too much to tolerate. The less trauma you have in your past, 

the better your mindfulness skills, and the more experience you have with this work, the 

wider your working window will be and the more you can tolerate stress or upset while 

renovating your event memory. If you experience a tolerable level of stress or upset 

(State 1 or 2), that's good. You are in your working window where integration can 

happen. Notice the sensations in your body. Feel them, but don't react to them. 

Sometimes, if the experience you're reviewing is too upsetting, you may find 

yourself overwhelmed. If you start to disengage--if you feel numb, cold, or detached, or 

if your mind wanders--you may be sliding into State 3 or 4. If this happens, stop. Go 

back to your resourced moment and start over. This time look at a smaller piece of the 

experience. 

Assuming you can review a piece of the experience without becoming intolerably 

stressed, upset, or detached, the next step will be to repeat this process with a different 

or larger piece of the experience.


Again, you may have to repeat this process many times until the upset 

associated with the event dissipates. Once you manage to go through the entire 

experience while remaining calm and engaged throughout, the experience will be 

integrated. 

Once you have integrated all the sustained and single events of one level, move 

on to the next highest level. Don't rush the process. The lower the level you are working 

on, the more sessions it may take. To renovate every level may take several years, 

depending on how much time you devote to this process and the specific life you have 

led.


Chapter 31: Stabilizing Your Current Level 

Once you have renovated the lower levels of your psyche, you will have an 

easier time parenting at the stable stage of your level. You won't be easily triggered via 

event memory into inappropriate behavior. Consequently, your children will feel safer 

with you. You will create a safer environment in your home, which your children and 

other family members will appreciate. You will have happier, friendlier relationships with 

your family and your children will receive the gifts each of the lower levels has to offer. 

After you have completed the renovation of your event memory, you can work on 

stabilizing and strengthening your home environment at the level of your upbringing. 

You can do this work both internally and externally. Internally, you will do the exercise 

below to strengthen your psyche so you can better receive the gifts of your level. As you 

do this, you will naturally create a more stable home environment for your children. 

Externally, you follow our advice from the first part of the book to involve your children in 

an appropriate external community. 

Stabilizing Your Level Internally 

As with renovation work, you will need to find regular blocks of time when you 

can do your internal work without being interrupted or distracted. Here is the procedure


you are to follow in each session: 

1. Imagine what your childhood would have been like had you grown up in a 

stable version of your level. For instance... 

* If you grew up in a Survival environment, imagine if you had grown up in an 

environment where you always feel safe, surrounded by powerful adults who 

protected you. 

* If you grew up in a Provision environment, imagine your parents or other adult 

caregivers stayed with you, provided for you, were available when you needed 

them, and you had no fear they would do otherwise. Imagine they always 

provided you with plenty to eat, a good home, and all the other material needs, 

so you never experienced deprivation. Imagine you grew up with a constant 

emotional connection with one or more adult caregivers. 

* If you grew up in a Structured Family, imagine how, as a child, you were 

consistently respected by everyone in your family, as was proper to your role. 

How wonderful was it to be a valued member of the family and to always be 

treated well? 

* If you grew up in a Fellowship environment, imagine how predictable life was 

because the rules were clear and fair, and you knew how to work within them. 

Picture how secure you felt because your parents never gave in to bad impulses 

or lost their temper, never suffered addictions, never played favorites, never 

punished you unfairly, always kept their promises, and always followed the rules. 

* If you grew up in an Individuality environment, imagine how safe and secure 

your privacy was, and how easy it was to look respectable in public and meet 

your parents’ expectations. Imagine having the freedom to indulge all your


desires and interests safely in private, with no chance of anyone finding out and 

putting you down for them. Imagine being allowed to participate in the afterschool 

programs that interested you, read any book you wanted, or learn about 

any subject that interested you without risking disapproval. Imagine a home 

where your individuality was tolerated, and you were encouraged to think for 

yourself and form your own opinions. 

* If you grew up in an Inclusion environment, imagine how safe it was to be 

yourself, express yourself in all situations, and have your uniqueness celebrated. 

Include plenty of detail as you create this vision of your ideal childhood. You may find it 

helpful to start at the earliest time you can remember and then move forward in time 

one year or five years at a time, imagining how each stage of your life might have been 

better. As you do this, be mindful of your body and the sensations it generates. You 

want to do this until you feel relaxed and good about this vision of your ideal life before 

moving on. 

2. Now recall how your childhood actually was. Remember the ways in which it 

fell short of your ideal. In recalling this, focus on the general atmosphere of your 

childhood environment rather than specific events. Again, this will vary according to 

your level. For instance... 

* Survival: Were there adults around you who were unsafe? Were you afraid for 

your life? 

* Provision: Did you feel abandoned, deprived, or fearful of becoming so? 

* Structured Family: Did family members often disrespect or abuse you? Were 

they often angry? Did they suffer from addictions or regularly act on bad 

impulses?


* Fellowship: Did your parents frequently break the rules or treat you unfairly? 

Did they play favorites? Did they break promises? 

* Individuality: Did you suffer from lack of privacy? Were you told what to think 

and feel and not allowed to have your own opinions? Did you worry excessively 

about not meeting your parents’ expectations or being judged by other people? 

* Inclusion: Did you feel unsafe to express certain aspects of yourself, even at 

home? 

As always, notice your body's sensations as you review your memories of childhood. If 

you start to experience "cold" symptoms, indicating that you might be slipping out of the 

working window, switch back to imagining your ideal childhood until you are relaxed and 

engaged once more. 

3. Alternate between both versions. 

Spend some time switching back and forth between your vision of the childhood 

you wish you had and the childhood you experienced. Take your time with each one, so 

you can get deeply into it before switching. Then make a clear, definite switch to the 

good version. 

4. An alternative method. 

If you have a hard time imagining your ideal childhood, you may choose to reflect 

on how your environment in the present is so much better than what it was when you 

were a child. Consider all the ways you are now safe from the threats that once made 

you worried and upset, how much stronger you are now, how you have support or 

resources you didn't have as a child. 

You want to reach a point where you can recall the past deeply and vividly, but


no longer be upset by it, where you feel relaxed and engaged (State 0) while recalling it. 

5. The last step is to again review your vision of the childhood you wish you had. 

You want to finish the session feeling good. 

Doing this exercise regularly will help you integrate your feelings about your 

childhood environment, so you feel less upset about them. As the upset lessens, the 

gifts of your level will manifest themselves more stably in your psyche and become 

resources you can use to create a better life in the present. Once you have fully 

reimagined your childhood, it won't matter how it actually was. What matters is how you 

feel about your life now. 

Once it has become your habit to think about your childhood in terms of an ideal 

environment in which you fully received the gifts of your level, and to let that ideal vision 

inform your life and your decisions in the present, you will have reached the stable 

stage of your level. You will find yourself consistently interacting with your children in 

ways that give them the same gifts.


Chapter 32: Should You Try to Move Up a Level? 

If you feel confident you were raised at a stable version of your level, or that you 

have stabilized your level, you may consider trying to shift your psyche to the next 

higher level, so you can create an even better environment for your children. Before you 

decide, there are arguments on both sides to consider. 

On the one hand, giving your children a higher-level upbringing will increase their 

chances of leading a happier and more successful life. That is a pretty strong argument 

in its favor. If you are living in community at a higher level than the environment you 

were raised in, you may want to give your children the same advantages as those from 

other families. You may also feel a lot of social pressure to do so. 

On the other hand, moving up a level will take considerable time and effort. 

Superficial changes will not be enough. Training yourself to interact with your children 

differently will fail if you have not built the level in your own psyche. Because of this, 

most families find moving up a level is the work of generations. You might do it in less 

time, but you will have to put in the work. Only you know if you have the dedication 

required. 

Stability May Be Enough


You may decide you are content with the level you were raised at. Not everyone 

feels the need to move to the next. Sometimes stabilizing or expanding the benefits of 

the level you're on offers more than enough rewards and challenges. 

For instance, a person may be content living at the stable Provision level, where 

her needs are met, she likes her job, and she has a committed romantic relationship, 

whether a common-law or legal marriage. She may enjoy the challenge of constantly 

making new connections with people and making sure everyone in her circles is 

provided for. Dedicated social workers, pastors, teachers, or community organizers 

sometimes fall into this category. She may get all the satisfaction she needs from 

helping people while expanding her social network. She may have no desire to establish 

or participate in a Structured Family dynasty where her activities would be confined to a 

prescribed role. 

Someone who was raised in a stable Structured Family might feel satisfied that 

her life's work will be strengthening and expanding her family. She may be content to 

know the next generation will reap the rewards of her efforts and the family will remain 

prosperous for generations to come. She may have no desire to join a Fellowship 

community where her family's independence would be subservient to the community's 

rules and where no family would be considered "better" than any other. 

Someone raised in a stable Individuality environment might be content to have a 

day job that is secure and pays the bills while she pursues deeply fulfilling hobbies and 

interests outside of work and family. She may not feel a need to turn her hobbies into a 

new career or make her private life public. 

Satisfaction can be found at every level. Moreover, the opportunities to expand 

each level never end, even after you achieve stability. You can always do more to make 

yourself feel safer (Survival), make money and connections (Provision), strengthen your


family (Structured Family), build a more equal and harmonious community (Fellowship), 

pursue more public accolades or a more rewarding private life (Individuality), or create a 

world where every voice is heard and self-expression is celebrated (Inclusion). 

But let's take a moment to consider in more detail the pros and cons to building 

the next level. 

The Motivation to Move Up 

As we mentioned earlier, most people have a clear sense of what's wrong with 

the level directly below the one they were raised at. When you are at the platform or 

construction stage, the fear of returning to the lower level provides a strong incentive to 

stabilize your current level. You want to make sure your children never experience life at 

that lower level. 

The effort to create stability can itself be the work of several generations. The 

more parents' habits, beliefs, and event memories are filled with unpleasant or tragic 

experiences, the longer it takes for those experiences to be integrated. The more 

unstable their upbringing, the harder it will be for them to create a stable environment 

for their children. The more often children experience their parents’ unstable behavior, 

the more instability becomes part of their own psyche, and so the cycle continues. In 

addition, entire communities sometimes experience tragic events such as wars, societal 

conflicts, natural disasters, economic collapses, or epidemics that cause them to revert 

to a lower level for a sustained period. The effects of these events may be felt for 

generations. Achieving stability is a huge accomplishment, one families can feel proud 

of. The first generation that succeeds in raising their children in a stable environment 

may not have dreams beyond that. 

However, if a family maintains a stable environment for a generation or two, the


youngest members may have no experience of lower levels. Stability at their level will 

be as natural to them as blue skies and grass. They cannot imagine their world could 

ever devolve. When their grandparents talk about the need to make sure things don't 

return to how they used to be, the young people will have a hard time relating. To them, 

the demons of the lower levels are just a fairy tale, something that doesn't exist in real 

world. 

At the same time, many will not feel the need to continue expanding the level 

they are on. Once they have a comfortable lifestyle (Provision), many people don’t feel 

a need to pursue more money. Once they feel the rules are working well (Fellowship), 

they become less zealous about enforcing rules. 

Once a level is stable and its concerns have been addressed, some people will 

start to notice other concerns that have been neglected. They start to long for a better 

world where these new concerns are addressed. When that vision is embraced, they 

will have arrived at the platform stage of the next level up. 

Inevitably, the next level is imagined as a world with greater safety and freedom. 

When you feel certain your life is safe (Survival), you will feel free to form relationships 

in which people help each other and provide for each other (Provision). When you feel 

secure that your present needs will continue to be met, you are free to start planning 

and working towards long-term goals, including the continuation of your family 

(Structured Family). 

When your family is secure, you may see how wasteful and destructive 

competition among families can be. For much of history, strong families fought each 

other in wars over resources, leading to death and disruption. You may desire a world in 

which families cooperate and share resources, where they don't need to compete for 

status or power. You may imagine a community where everyone has certain rights and


can live free from violence and crime--a community where everyone shares good values 

and works together to make a happier and better life for all. This desire can grow into a 

cause that is more important than duty to your family. Such causes often take the form 

of religions or social movements dedicated to creating a Fellowship community. 

Fellowship communities establish themselves by enforcing rules and conformity 

and being intolerant of differences or outsiders. However, if you grew up in a stable 

Fellowship, you may see less need for strict conformity. You may recognize that not all 

outsiders are threats, and that harmless differences can be tolerated. You may want the 

freedom to pursue personal interests, at least in private where they don't affect anyone 

else. You may see this as a source of fulfillment and happiness. From such thoughts, 

the level of Individuality is born. 

After you experience the fulfillment that comes from expressing your individuality 

in private or in private circles, you may begin to wish for a world where you are free to 

express your individuality in public as well, without fear of repercussion. You may start 

to feel that a world where everyone's individuality is included would be happier and 

more successful (Inclusion). 

As each of these desires becomes fulfilled over the course of generations, life 

gets better. 

The Cost of Moving Up 

Most people feel some anxiety about building a higher level. The effort will 

involve certain risks, and you often must give up some small freedoms in return for 

much greater ones. 

For instance, if you are moving from Survival to Provision, you must take the 

chance that the person or people you bond with will be safe, that they won't try to kill


you. Trusting anyone can be difficult for someone raised at Survival. You can't be 

independent anymore. But in return, having your basic needs met more securely will 

give you the freedom to pursue goals beyond just survival. 

When you move from Provision to Structured Family, you take on a special role 

within your family, which means you can no longer be a "jack of all trades." You must let 

other people be in charge of certain aspects of your life, and that requires trust. What if 

they shirk their duties? What if they don't do things exactly the way you would? Do they 

know what they are doing? What happens if they aren't up to the task of fulfilling their 

roles? You may have to give up some of your own desires to put the family's needs first. 

What if some family members behave selfishly? If you are not the head of the family, 

you run the risk of being subservient to a bad or abusive leader. If you are the head of 

the family, you will have a lot more responsibility. You must worry about the entire 

family's needs, not just your own. You must persuade everyone to go along with your 

decisions. And if you fail, everyone fails. However, if the transition to Structured Family 

is successful you will find the division of labor gives the family the freedom to pursue 

bigger goals and create a better lifestyle. 

Moving from Structured Family to Fellowship can be scary for powerful families 

or heads of families because they must give up some of their power. When you move 

towards equality, the strong often fear being abused by the formerly weak--especially if 

they have mistreated them in the past. Everyone at the Fellowship level must be 

subservient to the rules. That means even the strong must accept punishment if they 

break the rules. Developing the self-discipline to follow rules can be very difficult and 

often requires a lot of support from the community. At the same time, the formerly weak 

must take responsibility for their actions. They can't just do what they're told and blame 

their leaders when things don't work out. Nonetheless, the freedom that comes from


living in an orderly and safe community is well worth the cost. 

At the stable Fellowship level, people get security from knowing that other 

people, for the most part, will follow the rules. The challenge in building the Individuality 

level is that you must learn to tolerate other people's individuality. It's wonderful to have 

the freedom to indulge your own desires and impulses in private, but granting other 

people the right to do the same feels like taking a big risk. Who knows what they’ll get 

up to? At this stage, people often want the freedom to do what they want, but still want 

everyone else to follow the rules, in private and in public. Yet tolerating other people's 

rights to privacy and to express their individuality in private is the price you must pay to 

have your own privacy and individuality. You must also tolerate everyone's right to have 

their own opinions and to question established doctrine. You must trust that tolerating 

diversity won't unravel the social order. 

Finally, the move to Inclusion requires trusting that it will be safe to express your 

uniqueness in public, and that other people's uniqueness won't be a threat. You may 

have to change some of your behaviors to make everyone feel safe to express 

themselves. In turn, you will no longer need to hide your individuality behind the false 

front of a public persona. You will be free to relax and express yourself more 

authentically in all situations. 

The rewards for moving to a higher level usually outweigh the costs. However, 

everyone's situation is different, and you must decide what's best for you and your 

family. 

If you do decide to move up to the next level, you will begin at the platform stage. 

The process will involve two aspects: internal work and external work. 

The Internal Work of Building a New Level


The inner work of building a new level consists of imagining what your life would 

be like at the new level. Doing this work allows you to overcome the anxiety associated 

with the new level and become appreciative of its benefits. Without inner work, the 

external effort you make to build the next level will likely fail. 

By now, you will have established a certain time each day or each week for inner 

work, and a place where you have privacy and won't be interrupted. You will use the 

same set up to do the work of building the next level. Here is the process... 

1. As always, begin in a resourced state. Spend a few minutes dwelling on one of 

your resources until you feel good, relaxed, optimistic, and engaged. 

2. Review the characteristics of the level you want to build. What do you find 

appealing about that level? Choose one characteristic of the level that appeals to you, 

that you would like to incorporate into your life. Some examples... 

* Provision: Do you want to experience better, long-lasting connections with 

people, including friends, co-workers, or a romantic partner? Would you like your 

basic needs met more reliably? Do you want job security, a comfortable home, 

and all the bills paid? Would you like someone to come home to who cares about 

you and vice versa? 

* Structured Family: Would you like to be part of a family in which everyone 

contributes and looks out for each other? Would you enjoy playing a role in such 

a family, and being respected and honored for your contribution? Would you like 

to watch your children and grandchildren grow up strong and able to take on 

important roles when their parents are too old to do them any longer? Would you 

like to know that you are fulfilling the hopes of your prior generations, and that 

future generations of the family will prosper because of your contribution? 

* Fellowship: Would you like to be part of a safe community based on strong


moral principles? A community where neighbors trust and help each other? A 

community where everyone is treated fairly, where children are raised in a 

secure, orderly environment and taught good values? A community where 

everyone enjoys more freedom, provided they stay within the rules. A community 

that will support you in overcoming your worst impulses and leading a better life? 

* Individuality: Do you wish you were free to pursue whatever interests or 

hobbies you like? Do you wish you had the freedom to express your own 

opinions and thoughts, at least among trusted friends? Would you like to be part 

of a community that respects people's privacy, where your idiosyncrasies, 

interests, or opinions would not affect your career or your standing in the 

community? A community where differences are tolerated? 

* Inclusion: Do you wish you didn't have to keep aspects of yourself hidden from 

the world, for fear of other people's disapproval? Would you like to be part of a 

community that celebrates diversity? A community where you are free to be 

yourself and express yourself at work or in public, and help others do the same? 

3. Imagine your chosen characteristic was successfully integrated into your life 

today. How different might your life be? Alternatively, imagine this characteristic was 

part of your life when you were younger. How might the events in your life have 

unfolded differently as a result? Take your time to visualize this fantasy in detail. Notice 

your body's sensations as you do so. 

4. Choose a specific moment in your past when you wish the characteristic had 

been part of your life, when it might have helped you. 

5. Find a resourced moment just before the moment you wish had been different. 

Deepen into this resource. 

6. Assume your chosen characteristic had been part of your life. In your


imagination, move forward in time, seeing how your life might have unfolded with this 

characteristic in place. 

7. Be mindful of the sensations generated as you see your life unfolding in a 

better way. 

Repeat this exercise regularly to train your psyche to accept the possibility of 

living at the new level and to relieve any anxiety associated with it. 

External Work 

Your external work of moving to a higher level will consist of two aspects. On the 

one hand, you will want to learn all you can about the new level you're building. Fill your 

semantic memory with information about how this level works. Read books and articles 

on the subject. If you are living in a community at a higher level, pay attention to how 

successful people around you do things. Ask for advice when it is appropriate. 

The second and more important aspect will be to work with your procedural 

memory. You want to practise behaviors that match your new level until they become 

habits. You know you can develop many skills through practice--such as speaking a 

second language, playing a musical instrument, or playing sports. This is no different. 

Make the new level part of your skillset through repetition. Practice the behaviors and 

beliefs until they become second nature--until you do them spontaneously in all 

situations. 

Here are some more specific things you can do depending on your needs and 

what level you want to build: 

Survival Level: You may want to learn about techniques for keeping yourself and 

others safe. These might include wilderness survival training, first aid, techniques for


keeping yourself safe in social situations (e.g., dating, clubbing), or self-defense. Train 

yourself to use these techniques. You may also want to train your children in techniques 

appropriate for them such as "street-proofing," online safety, or how to cope with 

bullying. At the same time, you may participate in anger management courses or 

support groups, so you can become a safer person for others to be around. 

Provision Level: Read books on how to build connections with people, 

communicate, and manage relationships, whether socially or professionally. Participate 

in workshops that teach these skills. Gradually incorporate these skills into your life. 

Find opportunities to meet new people and practise your skills in social settings. They 

may feel uncomfortable at first, but consistent practice will take make them easier. 

At the same time, study techniques of managing your personal finances and your 

career and put them into practice. Learn how to balance a budget and be a better 

employee or business owner. 

Structured Family Level: Read up on the psychology of family dynamics or look 

to great books of wisdom for advice on the proper roles within a family. Put this advice 

into practice in your own family. Family counseling may be a source of help in this area. 

Fellowship Level: You will need to join a good, thriving Fellowship, one whose 

rules and philosophy appeal to you, and where you like the other members. This could 

be a spiritual or religious congregation, a social movement, a 12-Step support group, or 

any other organization designed to help its members lead better lives and where 

everyone is treated as an equal. Once you have joined, follow the rules of the group and 

attend the meetings. Study the philosophy and get help learning to apply it. 

Individuality: Spend some time thinking about what interests and hobbies you 

would like to take up. Perhaps there are things that interested you in the past, but you 

didn't have the opportunity to explore them. Maybe you weren't allowed to explore them


or maybe you never allowed yourself. Perhaps you can explore them now. 

If you don't know what might interest you, take some time to explore different 

subjects. Browse different hobbies and subjects online or at a library. Look at catalogs 

or brochures of recreational or educational programs offered in your community. Go to 

community events where different hobbyists or clubs have displays. Most communities 

have lots of clubs dedicated to different hobbies, and most groups are always looking 

for new members. If your community doesn't have a lot of clubs, perhaps look online. 

See what you are drawn to and perhaps choose one or two to explore. You don't have 

to make a firm commitment to any particular hobby. You can explore one for a little 

while and switch to something else later that seems more appealing. Some people 

choose to pursue a different hobby every year. 

You may want to create a private space in your home--a workshop, playroom, 

studio, study, or the like--where you can indulge your interests. You may need to 

establish a rule in your home that no one is allowed in your private space, so you can 

pursue your interests without fear of interruption. Alternatively, you may choose to take 

classes in a subject that interests you or join a club with facilities you can use to pursue 

that subject. 

Inclusion: To build this level, you need to find a place where you can connect 

with others, a place where you feel free to express yourself and can celebrate others 

doing the same. For many people, this will be a support group, an experiential learning 

opportunity, or a personal growth workshop where everyone is encouraged to share 

their perspectives and listen to others. Some people find opportunities for selfexpression 

through a performance art, cosplay, role-playing games, or a dance club. 

Any venue where people have fun dressing and behaving in ways that express an 

aspect of their individuality will help you develop on the Inclusion level, provided it feels


enjoyable to you. In the beginning, you may feel nervous about expressing yourself, so 

you should choose a venue where it is okay to take things slowly and you are not 

pressured to do anything you don't want to. You may prefer to participate as an 

observer for a time until you are ready to express yourself more openly. 

Most likely you will not be living in a stable Inclusive community, which will make 

it harder to express your individuality in public. You will have to look for opportunities 

and places where such expression is approved, or create them yourself. 

In doing this work, remember that you and the environment you create for your 

family may be at the platform stage of your new level for some time--most likely years-- 

and that's okay. Building a new level will be a rewarding experience, even if you never 

reach the construction stage. On the other hand, if you dedicate more time to the work 

and have a supportive community, you may progress more quickly to the next stage and 

move closer to stability.


Epilogue: What Comes After Inclusion? 

While raising your children even one stage or level beyond your upbringing may 

be enough of a challenge, some people wonder how far the evolution of parenting might 

progress. Will there ever be a level above Inclusion, for instance? What would such an 

upbringing look like? What kind of utopian society might it lead to? Or does Inclusion 

represent the highest level of cooperation and self-expression humans can achieve? 

We have no reason to believe Inclusion will be the end of humanity's social 

evolution. Each time a family or a society addresses the concerns of its level and 

reaches stability, new concerns emerge--or rather, concerns that were previously 

ignored start to come to the foreground, because people now have the time, energy, 

and space in their lives to address them. We can reasonably expect that once a society 

reaches the stable Inclusion stage, they will turn their attention to new areas. 

Unfortunately, we cannot imagine what concerns a seventh level will try to 

address, because they are too outside our present awareness. Nor can we know what 

the seventh level will look like, yet. Until a stable Inclusion society is established, our 

perception will remain limited by our own psyches. 

Trying to imagine the world one level up from your own is like looking through a 

heavy gauze. You can see the outlines of that world, appreciate its benefits, its beauty.


You can see it is free of the problems you are dealing with in your life. But you cannot 

see it clearly. The details of how and why that world works are difficult to grasp. The 

world two levels up looks even more blurry, as though it is hidden behind two layers of 

gauze. You cannot even see its outlines. 

As a result, when we try to imagine the seventh level, we tend to picture 

something resembling one of the lower levels. Science fiction writers often do this when 

they try to describe fictional futures. For instance, if you ask someone who was raised at 

Individuality to imagine a world where cooperation and social cohesion are far beyond 

anything they have ever experienced, they will tend to describe caricature of a 

Fellowship world--a world where individuality is suppressed, and people become 

mindless or mind-controlled robots. It's the world of the Borg, 1984, or The Stepford 

Wives. 

If you ask people to imagine a world where individuals experience freedom two 

orders of magnitude greater, they tend to describe either a world of anarchy (a Survival 

or Provision level world), or a world where powerful people are unaccountable and free 

to indulge their whims while competing with other powerful people (a Structured Family 

world). It's either the Wild West or an aristocracy. Either Mad Max or Dune. 

Science fiction stories are often projections of people's anxiety about change, 

their fear that society could go backwards. But beyond that, they speak to our inability to 

understand a world far removed from anything in our past or present. 

We presume the seventh level will be a world where cooperation and freedom 

are both two levels of magnitude beyond the Individuality level at the same time--and 

the benefits will be two orders of magnitude higher as well. But what that will look like, 

we cannot say. From our current perspective, it feels like a contradiction. From a stable 

Inclusion perspective, it will make much more sense.


Meanwhile, parents should take comfort in knowing that every effort they make to 

raise their children in a better environment than the one they experienced--even if it is 

only a little more stable--gives them a better chance for a happy life and helps to bring 

about a better world.

2 DeMause Manuscript--Jan 2022 Circulating draft

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