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Dear AIS,<br />
Holiday self-preservation. I feel you, AIS. Sadly, we<br />
don’t get to choose our genetic family. I’m so glad you<br />
reached out! I think you are in good company here no<br />
matter the circumstances of the whys. Memories and<br />
the pursuit of that special ‘holiday glow’ can make it<br />
even more painful. If you are trying to make yourself<br />
do something you think you should, it’s hard to think<br />
clearly about what it is you actually want to do. I think I<br />
can provide you with some suggestions that may help.<br />
First, give yourself permission to feel this way! It’s<br />
all perfectly valid! You asked if you are being selfish– I<br />
believe that selfishness is a construct often used to<br />
control people’s actions, to guilt them into doing what<br />
someone wants. I challenge you to let go of that word<br />
and to instead embrace words like self-care, selfpreservation<br />
and self-love. It has been revolutionary<br />
for me to do so. So no, I absolutely do not feel you are<br />
being selfish for considering your needs first! In fact, I<br />
am very proud of you!<br />
You included some phrases from your family<br />
that were warning signs for me. Their words seem<br />
manipulative and not in honor of boundaries. And it<br />
seems, as you say, you have been working towards<br />
no contact, that you do have some solid boundaries<br />
in place. The holidays aren’t going to make those<br />
intrusions of boundaries go away. You can’t dress<br />
things up in sparkly lights and glittering ribbons and<br />
ignore how someone makes you feel the other 364<br />
days of the year. No matter how much your mom<br />
wishes it so. I know you know this, because you are<br />
considering not going.<br />
In order for you to stay healthy and happy you need<br />
to know what it is that you need. What is it that you<br />
want out of the holiday? Is there a specific food or<br />
tradition that makes you feel warm inside? What makes<br />
a holiday special for you in regards to your beliefs and<br />
expectations? Is there certain family in particular you<br />
want to visit? Answering these questions can help you<br />
sort out how you feel from how you think you should<br />
feel. What level of sadness and regret do you think you<br />
would feel if you didn’t go? No, not what they try to<br />
heap onto you, how you really feel inside.<br />
If you decide to go, are there any family members<br />
you are in contact with who fully accept you? Would<br />
they be your buffer-buddy at the gathering and is that<br />
enough support? Try letting your family know ahead of<br />
time what topics are off limits and have a few phrases<br />
on the ready if they don’t follow them. “If you continue<br />
to bring this up, I am leaving the conversation”, “This is<br />
not something I will discuss” and “I understand that you<br />
are upset but this is my decision” are some good ones.<br />
Rehearse them so that they don’t feel awkward to say.<br />
Set an amount of time you want to be there and have an<br />
exit plan, one to two hours can be more than enough.<br />
Be mindful of your triggers and give yourself permission<br />
to walk away from them. And, if you consume alcohol I<br />
would recommend not having any at the gathering so<br />
that you are clear-headed. Most importantly, have a selfcare<br />
plan in place for after the gathering so that you can<br />
begin to regulate and balance.<br />
If you decide not to go, think about those questions<br />
you answered earlier and use them to shape what you<br />
need. You mentioned the celebration with friends you<br />
were invited to. Can you bring that special dish? Share<br />
that tradition? And if that’s not appropriate, can you<br />
invite friends over for your own celebration? Or maybe,<br />
you want to create a solo holiday that is peaceful and<br />
luxurious. Beginning new memories and traditions can be<br />
exciting! You have the freedom to create a joyous holiday<br />
time for yourself and I think that is magical.<br />
I hope I have given some perspective and some<br />
thoughts for your journey. It sounds like you are coming<br />
into this holiday season being more authentically yourself<br />
than you have ever been before. I’ll say it again, I am so<br />
proud of you! Celebrate you this season, too. Appreciate<br />
yourself and how far you’ve come. You spoke out here<br />
for your own needs and health and that is audacious and<br />
amazing! So many of us stand here with you in this as<br />
well as we face our own holiday season. You aren’t alone,<br />
none of us are. Go make this season magical for yourself<br />
as you glow more brightly than those sparkling lights we<br />
all adore.<br />
Your friend,<br />
Allie<br />
To submit your own question, email Allie at<br />
allie@focuslgbt.com. <strong>Focus</strong> <strong>Mid</strong>-South reserves the right to edit letters for length and clarity.<br />
focuslgbt.com | <strong>Tenn</strong>essee Hustle 9
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