Group7-FOAMA2_FinalProject-E-Magazine (1)

VOLUME 1 2022
Break the Cycle:
Learning and Unlearning Toxic Filipino Family Traits

Break
the
Cycle:
Learning and
Unlearning Toxic
Filipino Family Traits
BREAK THE CYCLE
THE FILIPINO FAMILY SCRIPT
ADDRESSING TOXIC FILIPINO
FAMILY BEHAVIOUR
THE NEVERENDING CYCLE
BREAKING THE CYCLE
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03
05
07
09
TOTAL NUMBER OF ITEMS READ 5
ISSUED DECEMBER 2022
LAYOUT AND DESIGN: BONGCARON
CONTENT CREATION: BUAN,
BUENDIA, CAMBIA, BONSOL

Filipinos are renowned for having a culture that emphasizes strongly
on family ties. They hold their family in the highest regard and
prioritize them above all else. However, the truth is, there is no
perfect family and the dedication to keep such strong ties is often,
if not, all the time, harmful to the members themselves. Filipino
families have ingrained behaviors, practiced by so many generations,
that are toxic. They are so normalized in our society that many seem
to be unaware of them. However, just because we are used to them,
doesn’t mean they’re right.
We can choose to change for the better and break the cycle of toxicity
in our Filipino families. The project aims to encourage Filipino
families to recognize the toxic traits lurking in our culture and
change them for the better through detailed information and education
on toxic Filipino family traits, their effects on individuals, and how
one can begin unlearning them.
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THE
FILIPINO
FAMILY
SCRIPT
by Maxin Theone Buan
We all have a love/hate connection with
our families. We've all struggled with
doing and expressing what we know is
required of us vs. what we believe we
should do or say. One of the reasons I'm
conflicted about seeing family around the
holidays is because of toxic expectations.
3

"Hoy, tumaba ka na!"
"Bakit si - kaya,
"Ang payat mo masyado!"
pero ikaw hindi?"
While Filipino seniors regard obesity as a
sign of good health, no one wants to hear
they're overweight. Especially when everyone
considers the hourglass figure to be the
gold standard. But, truly, who meets someone
by pointing out what most people perceive to
be a flaw? That is simply impolite.
Filipinos are a prideful people who will
seize any opportunity to prove their
value. Even if it means putting someone
else down. While the traditional ones will
rationalize it as a technique of
motivating individuals to be better, the
comparison doesn't always make sense.
"Sabi ni lolo/lola/papa/mama ganito dapat…"
Because Filipino families regard age as a measure of knowledge and
power, the youth frequently accept the words of their elders as law.
It becomes toxic, though, when people refuse to adjust and flex. The
"my-way-or-the-highway" mentality can be destructive to relationships
since it does not teach the graceful art of negotiating.
"Ikaw kasi!"
"Masama ‘yun dahil
Filipinos engage in "victim shaming" or
"victim blaming" because they are afraid
of accountability. They recall being
severely punished as children. To avoid
this, they deflect blame in order to
retain a flawless reputation. There's an
underlying concern that if they reveal
their error, they'll lose all of their
family's love. Unfortunately, that will
never be enough to justify such actions.
sabi ni Lord!"
Filipinos are deeply religious to the
point of obsession, believing that God is
present in everything. Unfortunately, some
people use God as an excuse to
discriminate against LGBTQIA++ people,
beat their children with a hanger, have
the right to screech at their children,
dictate what their children wear, and
other things. Some people take the Bible
seriously when it comes to this!
"Tao lang ako…"
Many Filipinos use this
line as an escape rather
than to accept their
error. This approach does
not fix the problem. It
merely demonstrates one's
inability to change. And,
in our opinion, people
can and do change
IF THEY COULD
DRINK THEIR
WORDS, THEY WOULD
TASTE HOW BITTER
THEY ARE
4

We all have a love/hate relationship with our families. We've all struggled with doing and saying what we know
is expected of us versus what we believe we should do or say. Young people can only withstand so much negative
pressure before developing an inferiority complex, but mental health is not the only aspect of life affected by these
toxic social practices. These practices, which progress from internalized wounds to projected behaviors, can lead to
the severing of familial bonds, even turning loved ones against one another.
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Feeling supported and belonging to a community are highly valued aspects of the youth
development process. During this period of development, when young people have strong desires for
love, attention, and places to belong, the family unit is critical in creating such an environment. In
contrast, when youth are at the center of family conflicts or are held to unrealistic success standards,
those highly valued aspects of healthy youth development suffer.

Toxic Culture #1:
“No, it’s not a problem”
Families have a habit of sweeping
problems under the rug. They believe that
a simple smile or a shared meal following
a misunderstanding is the same as talking
things out or apologizing. Instead of
providing the "quick fix" they require, this
behavior invalidates others' feelings and
magnifies the wrong ways to handle
conflict in relationships. You're sweeping
too many things under the rug without
proper communication, and all that dirt
will eventually explode. Families must talk
it out and hear all sides in order to
properly heal from a misunderstanding.
Toxic Culture #5:
“Crab mentality”
Some Filipino families will
mock or ridicule a family
member who is attempting to
improve themselves. It could be
mocking a prospective
student's dreams of starting a
business, owning a home, or
working abroad. They'll hear
endless "Hindi mo kaya yan"
comments said in various ways
until they're convinced that
their family is correct.
Supporting a family member's
dreams, whatever they may be,
is a good place to start when
creating a loving home.
Toxic Culture #8:
“Where’s the mini MEs?”
While other countries expect their
children to leave home when they reach
the legal age, one of our Filipino family's
toxic expectations is to hold on to us for
dear life until marriage takes us away
and roots us elsewhere. Even if we're
perfectly content to live with our parents,
they still have the power to make us
follow their rules because we live under
their roof.
Toxic Culture #2:
“Kids? More like trust funds”
Children are not trust funds into which parents
can withdraw funds at any time. Toxic parents
use the "utang na loob" card to guilt their children
into giving back. They demand a percentage of
their children's pay or ask them to fund their luho.
Toxic parents frequently list everything they did
for their children — feeding them for years, taking
care of them, etc. — just to emphasize how much
they owe them. Stop the cycle. Children owe
nothing to their parents, who willingly gave birth
to and raised them.
Toxic Culture #4:
“It’s not toxic, were family”
The sooner someone distances themselves from a
toxic family member, the sooner they will heal from
any trauma or stress caused by it. But the toxic
Filipino family culture does not simply allow for
this. Because they are related, children are
expected to tolerate those who harm them
mentally, physically, or verbally. The truth is that
severing ties with a toxic family member does not
make you a bad person. If anything, it's keeping
them safe from further harm.
Toxic Culture #6:
“Mean? More like facts”
Such remarks breed insecurity and
internalized hatred. When children are
young, they begin to believe there is
something wrong with them if they are
called "fat," and their concerns only grow
when they are asked why they are still
single. These casual remarks are common
in toxic Filipino family culture and are
dismissed as jokes or even greetings at
every reunion. However, these clearly
foster a toxic culture that must be
addressed.
Toxic Culture #9:
“It's good to dream but it
won't get you anywhere”
Chances are, no matter how good you are at
your job, your parents, relatives, and even
your neighbors advised you to pursue a
career in the sciences. Their logic is sound;
they believe in taking home more money.
Toxic Culture #3:
“We’re never wrong!”
Unfortunately, age does not always
equal wisdom. Simply because
someone is older does not mean they
are always correct. However, Filipino
families appear to believe that
seniority gives them the right to
impose their beliefs or harm other
members of the family. Even when
things are clearly wrong, the
younger generation is expected to
simply submit or risk being labeled
as disrespectful. It's a tough pill to
swallow: the elderly can be wrong as
well.
Toxic Culture #7:
“I’m never wrong”
Have you ever attempted an
intellectual conversation with a
family member from a previous
generation? Sometimes it's
nearly impossible to make a
point without being dismissed.
Experience can provide wisdom.
However, there are some
outdated practices that must be
abandoned. What was right and
accepted at the time may no
longer be applicable today. After
all, it can't be just my elders who
accept every Facebook headline
and video as true news, can it?
Toxic Culture #10: “Just keep smiling”
Filipino families make every effort to appear picture-perfect in public. The kids are
polite and well-mannered, and the parents are loving and perfect even though they
are anything but behind closed doors. They go to church and act religious, but as
soon as they get home, they stop thinking about virtues. The truth is that there is no
such thing as a perfect family. Maintaining a false public image teaches children
hypocrisy. Everyone makes mistakes; families do not need to pretend otherwise.
6

Generational Trauma in the Filipino Family
by Maria Francel Botor
Filipino families are commonly known for being a close-knit
community, putting a strong importance on family over anything
else. On the outside, this may seem wholesome, but delving deeper
into the state of the family we will see just how toxic these
families can be. Utang na loob is a widely known Filipino
culture, translated as gratitude is a virtue, it is generally
seen as a positive thing. However, it has been used as a weapon
disguised as a blessing by most Filipino families nowadays. The
word utang holds a heavier meaning as it also translates into
“debt”. The hierarchy in the Filipino family turns this positive
culture into a culture of guilt-tripping and gaslighting. Parents
believe themselves to be absolutely important, to the point that
their children have to obey their every command because they gave
birth and take care of them even though it is their basic purpose
of being a parent. Children who grow up under such parents grow
up to be more fearful, anxious, and guilty when they feel that
they cannot pay back their “debt” to their parents.
The Filipino family puts so much importance on hierarchy, putting
emphasis on their age. The idea that someone younger in the
family must always respect the older just because they are older
and if they don’t, they will be labeled as disrespectful.
Correcting an older person is not disrespectful, the elderly can
be wrong too. Not only that, but choosing to tolerate certain
toxic members of the family instead of taking them accountable
because “they are our family members” is never a good look.
Children who had been abused either physically or mentally, are
expected to tolerate the people who had abused them will grow up
to hate anyone who excused the abuser’s behavior. These children,
once all grown up, will distance themselves from their family.
Now these family members will ask themselves and wonder why they
aren’t visiting anymore. Filipinos who grow up in families that
continue to practice these toxic traits will pass them down to
future generations, intentionally or not. Unless certain actions
are taken to avoid it from happening, unfortunately, these toxic
traits will keep appearing in Filipino families.
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the
never
ending
cycle
8

BREAKING
THE
CYCLE
unlearning
TOXICITY
9
by Krystine Cambia

Toxic Filipino Family traits continue to exist and might never go away,
mostly because we don't even realize the toxicity these traits until
we experience a different environment or culture or refuse to
acknowledge its toxicity because it's so normal. Even if it doesn't
stop today, we can always start with ourselves and work on being
better. These modest advances demonstrate the advancements made
in reducing or eradicating this destructive culture. Despite the
difficulties, the desire to develop oneself and strive to shed toxic
Filipino characteristics is already a step in the right direction.
To begin such a journey, one must first become more self-conscious
and aware of their patterns, whether they come from oneself or
others. They can reflect on why they possess this negative characteristic
and then decide to change the said negative behavior. One must
always be mindful of their surroundings and watch what they are taking
in from their environment in order to increase self-awareness. It is
challenging to unlearn things you acquired as a child, but being selfaware
may significantly lessen the impact and perhaps even prevent it
from happening so you can learn to tell what is toxic from what is not.
By practicing something as basic as talking and listening, one can
continue to unlearn these characteristics. Talk to them face-to-face, be
kind, and put showing them respect before correcting them so that you
don't come out as rude. If something terrible occurs, speak to them in
private and approach them respectfully while explaining what they did
incorrectly or inappropriately. Sometimes they may just point the finger
at you, but always be patient with both of you, have low expectations,
and be kind.
Additionally, constantly keep in mind not to be defensive, to always
be ready, and to accept your own mistakes.
Additionally, be more forthright about what you don't want to hear
from your surroundings and speak out about it because it could
lead you to feel more negatively if you don't. Sometimes, especially if
you don't know both sides, it could also lead you to discuss other
people's lives. Apply, see the outcomes, and then spread the word to
your friends and family. It can eventually have a domino effect on the
folks you come across.
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Break the Cycle:
Learning and Unlearning Toxic Filipino Family Traits
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