1 - 9 News.indd - Felix

felix
Friday 19 November 2010
THE NEWS WITHOUT THE NEWS
“Excuse me, um, um... Oh screw
this, I’m going back inside”
DRUNKEN MATE OF THE WEEK
Oh Ed Willans, what would your girlfriend say? Wait, she’s right here I’ll ask her. Ah I’ll ask her later, I don’t want
to ruin the mood. Btw she told me to tell you that she’ll have a headache or something tonight so don’t wait up...
Horoscopes
Aries
You spend too much time on Facebook,
updating your status with tedious shit
like “Alex had a great day today, lol!”
Well, let me tell you this Aries, if I had a
MyFace account, it would read “my life
is fucking better than yours, I’m posh
and you’re not, so just fuck off and die.”
Gemini
This week you are exceptionally
relieved to see the Deputy Editor come
down to the office to save the issue from
near certain disaster. Unfortunately he
just reclines in his chair, vegetating and
so the issue ended up like this... :(
Leo
This week you start listening to TQ’s
‘Westside’. You start to reminisce about
your days growing up on the streets. YO.
shit diggity, dem times were tough bro!
I remember when we had to start shopping
at EMPORIO armani. I’ll never go
back to that blud. Never...
Libra
This week you’re sitting in the library
when across the table another student
pulls a sandwhich from his bag. You’ve
finally got him! You rush to find security
and have him hauled away for violating
section 32 of the library code. He spends
30 years in the Gulags. You smile.
Sagittarius
This week you see your lecturer on the
walkway. As you pass him, you smile
and try to say hi but he puts his left hand
on your face, pushes you out of his way
and strides into the distance. In your next
lecture you run to the front, chop off his
hand and make him eat it...
Aquarius
The last horoscope that you wrote was
a complete flop so you have another go.
You dredge the flithiest waterways and
canals of your brain, toss away the used
condoms and search deeper and deeper.
Umm... unicornsfuckingeachotherwith
theirhorns... awww yeah
Taurus
Scorpio
39
Get your hair cut, you metro sexual
poncy git. Hair products are the reserve
of gay men and estate agents. Stop pretending
to be Jedward, they’re annoying
enough without you walking around
with a cock on your head. Or I’m getting
a samurai sword and dealing with it.
Cancer
This week you decide to create a meat
alternative to the word ‘vegetating’.
Meatifying is good, but not quite right.
Baconing is better I think. God this
horoscope is tedious. Stop reading. Just
go. STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!
Virgo
This week you clench your fist, stare
longingly at your knuckles and then
punch yourself in the balls. You fall
to the ground and await the inevitable
wave of crippling nausea. There it is,
concurrent with the need to vomit. At
least you felt something today.
This week you’re hanging out with a
pretty girl. The feminist inside you keeps
reminding you to look at her eyes but
the human inside you keeps screaming,
“STARE STARE STARE STARE
STARE!!! TOUCH!!!” *slap ow... you
didn’t need to hit me that hard...
Capricorn
This week you refuse to keep any of your
promises. That one about not cheating
on your boyfriend? Nah screw it, screw
everyone in fact! That one about picking
your sister up from the airport? Nah,
screw it, screw her in fact! Uh, that just
got weird. Damn you brain!!!
Pisces
Finally the last fucking horoscope. This
week you’re in trouble and need bail
money. Luckily you’ve made millions
out of unicorn porn and simply pay it
yourself. Ah life is good as the world’s
largest distributor of childhood bestiality
porn.