Stuck in the Muck!

Stuck
in the
Muck!
And Other Children’s Poems
Written and Illustrated by
Ida Rose Garfield

Stuck
in the
Muck!
Written and Illustrated by
Ida Rose Garfield
Godzilla Publications

For my nephews, Calvin and Lionel, with thanks to my
nephews Oren and Oscar for whom the original
Stuck in the Muck ! was written.

Table of Contents
Colors............................................................................................... 1
Sweet Solitude................................................................................. 2
Logic................................................................................................. 3
Stacked............................................................................................. 4
Hats Hats Hats................................................................................ 5
Potion Problems............................................................................. 6
Vaccine Vexation............................................................................ 7
Summer Santa................................................................................. 8
Dancing......................................................................................... 10
Loving.............................................................................................11
Imagination................................................................................... 12
Advice............................................................................................ 13
Seasonal..........................................................................................14
Mumps............................................................................................16
Potatoes...........................................................................................17
Math................................................................................................18
Switcheroo..................................................................................... 19
Insomnia........................................................................................ 20
Magic Shoes................................................................................... 22
Stuck In The Muck....................................................................... 23
Our House..................................................................................... 24
Persnickety Preferences............................................................... 25
Truancy.......................................................................................... 27
Empathy......................................................................................... 28
I.A.S.O.T.L..................................................................................... 30

Card Tricks.....................................................................................31
Lullaby........................................................................................... 32
Piggy Bank.................................................................................... 34
Blameless....................................................................................... 35
When I Grow Up.......................................................................... 36
Siblings........................................................................................... 38
Lottery............................................................................................ 39
Envy............................................................................................... 40
Grammar Police........................................................................... 42
Idiom Idiocy.................................................................................. 44
A Hundred Lives.......................................................................... 45
Muddy Mayhem........................................................................... 46
Coffee............................................................................................. 47
Chores............................................................................................ 47
Inventor......................................................................................... 48
Bubble Balloon.............................................................................. 50
Penguins.........................................................................................51
The Beach...................................................................................... 52
Wombywat.................................................................................... 54
Pro-Aging...................................................................................... 55
Waiting.......................................................................................... 56
Jelly Beans...................................................................................... 57
Feelings.......................................................................................... 58
Eenie Meanie................................................................................. 60
Hiccups!..........................................................................................61

Colors
What’s my favorite color?
Well, it’s really hard to say.
Blue is rather mellow,
And yellow’s bright as day.
Green is feeling grouchy,
And purple is perplexed.
Pink is just like red, you see
And red is rather vexed.
I guess my favorite color
Depends upon my mood.
I think it must be orange, though
Because it is a food!
1

Sweet Solitude
To be alright alone,
Like the final slice of pie.
Alright alone, like one big glowing moon up in the sky.
Alone: a hunting tiger, eagle, leopard, shark, or bear.
Stronger on my own, on the ground or in the air.
To be a flower in a pot
With space for all my roots.
Alone, no one to fight with,
No more maddening disputes.
I want to be a mighty king
And sit upon my throne.
My greatest aspiration is
To be alright alone.
2

Logic
This Easter, my mom said
“Now honey,
Look for eggs
From the Easter Egg Bunny.”
And I said
“It’s EGGS that we’re pickin’,
It should really be
An Easter CHICKEN!”
3

Stacked
A boulder then a cobble stone,
One upon the other.
A granule on a pebble throne,
Sitting on its brother!
Next comes sand, then silt, then clay,
All piled on their backs,
Standing in a tall display
Of rugged rocky stacks!
4

Hats Hats Hats
The rule is don’t share hats in school
But how could I resist?
There were so many types of hats,
A never ending list!
Bowler, beanie, bonnet,
Baseball, bucket, and beret.
Top hat, flop hat, trapper, turban,
Even a toupee!
Oh! So many hats to try
Upon my capless crown.
I put them on at lightning speed
With no plan to slow down.
Sharing is the way to care,
And all my friends are nice!
But I felt itching in my hair
And turns out, I got lice.
5

Potion Problems
Calvin drank the witch’s potion,
Stirring up a big commotion.
The situation went awry —
He started to transmogrify!
Sprouting feathers down his back,
And pecking like a maniac,
Razor sharp became his nose;
Talons grew out from his toes!
To this curse he did succumb.
What kind of beast has he become?
His brother said “ Hey, Mom come quick!
Calvin’s turned into a chick!”
6

Vaccine Vexation
The doctor said I need a shot.
I told her I would rather not.
She said it wasn't up to me.
I said try it, then you’ll see.
I won’t be getting any jab,
‘Cause I don’t need no needle stab.
You will not give me that vaccine,
If you come near I'll intervene!
So skip my next inoculation
Save yourself undue frustration
I won’t get a shot, not one!
You can’t convince me t—oh! It’s done?
7

Summer Santa
I wonder what Santa does in July.
Does he swim?
Does he sleep?
Do his reindeer still fly?
Does he lie
In the sun
And drink pink lemonade?
Or does he prefer
To read books in the shade?
From all the
Warm cookies
We leave
On his plate.
Maybe he tries to get fit,
to lose weight
Does Santa Claus hibernate
Like an old bear?
Waiting for Christmas
With pain and despair?
8

Maybe he has
The best time of his life
Without whiny children,
And with his dear wife.
It’s possible he doesn’t like us at all,
And secretly dreads his big winterly haul...
Let’s get rid of Christmas,
Let’s nix it, no more!
Let’s free Santa Claus
From this boring old chore!
Or wait...maybe not...
There’s something I missed.
I have too much stuff
On this year’s Christmas list!
9

Dancing
When the music starts to play,
I suddenly begin to sway.
I get the shimmy shammy shakes,
At once my little body quakes!
My bones want to boogie
And wiggle and woogie,
To jest with a jovial jig.
My feet get the jitters
I scamper and skitter
And spin like a big whirligig!
The beat is bewitching,
I rollick and prance
I’m twirling and twitching,
I frolic and dance!
The melody merrily sweeps me away,
I don’t tire of tunes, I could disco all day!
So turn up the music and feel the groove
And when you are ready just
Bust A Move!
10

Loving
Love is gentle, love is warm
Love is like a lightning storm!
Charged and bright, it can excite,
Or love can calm you down at night.
Love is meant to be a gift,
Used to nurture and uplift.
Once it’s offered, nothings owed,
Love is not a quid pro quo.
The risk of love is hearts that break
So love to give and not to take.
With hugs or chocolate cookies baked,
Be sure to love for loving’s sake.
11

Imagination
I tried to mow the lawn
By riding on the mower.
It made it much more fun,
But also much MUCH slower.
I pretended I was Genghis Khan
The day I tried to mow the lawn.
I mounted the mower like it was my horse,
I used an old broom as a sword, of course.
I guess I was maybe a little distracted
But I think my mom really overreacted,
She just started screaming and yelling like crazy
Because I mistakenly mowed all her daisies.
12

Advice
On the first day of school my friend, Lionel,
Gave me some helpful advice.
He said so the teacher would like me,
I should butter her up real nice.
So that evening I asked her to help me
With multiplication and such.
Then I brought her a stick,
Spread it on real thick,
But that didn’t help very much…
13

Seasonal
The summer leaves,
By autumn browned,
With somber ease
Float to the ground.
The winter bare
Brings quiet air
To ponder our next steps in snow.
We must entomb
Our pasts in bloom
To make new room
For us to grow.
The spring arrives
With lively sound
To spur the cycle
Round and round.
14

15

Mumps
There one was a boy with the MUMPS
And his face became covered with LUMPS
He looked like a FOOL
And could not go to SCHOOL
Because kids would make fun of his BUMPS.
16

Potatoes
Potatoes are so versatile.
Call me a potatophile!
Spuds can be savory salty, or sweet,
To have as a meal, or just as a treat!
Coat them in mayo and call it a salad
Regardless of that label being invalid.
Mashed ’em ’n’ smash ’em ’n’ hash ’em up brown,
A tot will never let you down!
Don’t even get me started on fries,
Now there’s a potato that you customize!
Theres crinkled or curly
Or waffle or wedge,
Shoestring or steak cut or classic straightedge!
Nobody could be a hater of taters,
And if so you just need a tater curator
To manage your murphies
And yield your yams.
To draw up helpful diagrams!
Consult a cooking connoisseur
To make them how you best prefer!
Or go on and hate them, I admit defeat.
That means more potatoes for me to eat!
17

Math
Long division takes precision
Adding is a chore.
Multiply? I’d rather die
‘Cause math is such a bore.
Subtraction’s a distraction
From more interesting pursuits.
Don’t ask me to derive the mean
Or calculate square roots.
I thought math was useless
And I really was a hater.
Until I couldn’t figure out
How much to tip the waiter!
18

Switcheroo
There was an old man with a HOG,
Who thought he might favor a DOG.
So he went to the POUND,
Swapped his pig for a HOUND,
Then he wished he had gotten a FROG!
19

Insomnia
Somehow sleep evades me,
Though I’ve tried to catch some winks,
Seems that nothing can persuade me
Not to shut my eyes and think!
20

Counting sheep is fruitless
And to deeply breathe is dull,
Rumination’s rather ruthless:
Bouncing thoughts inside my skull!
I must mute the manic musing
That goes on inside my head
So that I can get to snoozing
In my comfy cozy bed!
21

Magic Shoes
I put on my magic shoes
To walk me to the store.
But after we secured the milk,
My shoes walked me some more.
They took me to the playground,
Making sure to stomp my feet.
They walked me to the diner
And they stopped to get a treat.
My magic shoes meandered,
Going everywhere but home.
And I’m sorry I missed curfew,
But my shoes wanted to roam!
22

Stuck In The Muck
I’m trapped like a RAT!
I”m STUCK in the MUCK!
I’ll NEVER get out!
And that’s just my LUCK!
I’m sinking too QUICK
To reach for a STICK
Too LATE, this is FATE
The muck is too THICK!
23

Our House
The creak of tired floorboards
Warped from weight of love.
The smell of sugar cookies
Wafting up above.
Our homes collect our stories,
And keep them snug and near.
Between the sofa cushions,
Protected from the years.
Eventually we leave them,
And paint the marked up walls,
But still our pasts will linger,
Wandering those halls.
24

Persnickety Preferences
Belinda bagged a butterfly
But wasn’t very satisfied
By this imprisoned flutter.
She might be glad if it had been
A fly made out of margarine —
For she detested butter.
25

26

Truancy
I slipped on water on the floor
Kept sliding straight on out the door,
I tumbled down the grassy hill,
And all because of some kid’s spill.
I tripped on rocks,
Fell down the street.
I tried to stop,
To drag my feet.
I bobbed and floated
Through the stream.
I couldn’t yell or shout or scream.
I swear I didn't mean to roam!
I somehow just wound up at home.
I slipped and tripped and flopped and flipped,
But school I would’ve never skipped!
27

Empathy
I learned something called empathy,
It means to share a feeling,
And ever since I’ve wondered
What my objects are concealing!
Are my shoes in love
And do they ever have affairs?
A flip flop with a hiking boot!
Or are they loyal pairs?
Do chairs dislike the sweaty butts
That sit in them all day?
And do my toys get sad
When I pick other games to play?
28

I wonder whether forks
Hate scraping up against my teeth.
Is my bed annoyed
When I just cram things underneath?
Are my tires dizzy
From the constant spinning round?
Are wind chimes in a tizzy
From their ringing singing sound?
This empathy is killing me!
Anxiety has entered.
If I can’t calm these selfless thoughts
I'd rather be self-centered!
29

I.A.S.O.T.L.
"Why do you wear that old bag on your head?"
All of the kids in my neighborhood said.
(‘Cause I wear it all day
Like a paper toupee
And remove it when I go to bed.)
One day when they saw my brown bag on my head
They asked me to tell them why,
So I sat them all down,
With my bag on my crown,
And I gave them this simple reply:
"Most kids are scared of bad things in the dark
Which is why they are scared of the night
But the reason I wear this old bag on my head
Is because
I
A
S
O
T
L
m
cared
f
he
ight!
30

Card Tricks
I seem to have lost
My library card.
I checked in my room
And I checked in the yard.
I asked all the servants;
I asked all the maids.
Do you think that instead
They’d accept king of spades?
31

Lullaby
Awoo!
Said the small little dog in the night,
Howling up high at the moon.
Goodnight!
Said the green caterpillar, as well,
Closing his cozy cocoon.
Hoot!
Said the owl,
Sitting snug in his tree.
Whoosh!
Said the waves,
Splashing in from the sea.
32

Everyone sleepy and warm,
Tucked in tight,
Everyone settled and calm
For the night.
33

Piggy Bank
Coins go in the piggy bank
But are pigs known for saving?
More for endless gluttony
And eating all they’re craving.
Better by a chipmunk bank
To squirrel away your cash.
Some kind of hoarding rodent
To protect your money stash.
34

Blameless
There once was a boy with a MATCH,
And a box on which it would SCRATCH.
The whole town was in FLAMES,
But he wasn’t to BLAME,
How was he to know fire would CATCH?
35

When I Grow Up
They say I can be anything when I'm older,
A doctor, a cat, or a candlestick holder!
Or maybe a plane or a train or a car.
“You know we will love you,
Whatever you are.”
So maybe I’ll fly
On the flying trapeze
Or take lots of honey
From big bumble bees.
Or perhaps I will sail
My own ship on the sea,
But whatever I am,
I’ll always be me.
36

37

Siblings
Some people have siblings
And others do not.
Me, I have one little brother.
I’m glad that he’s here
So that when we get caught,
We can each blame our crimes
On the other!
38

Lottery
The lottery is not for me
I think it’s rather funny,
To think that life is all about
Obtaining lots of money.
My wealth is found in friends and love
And richness that is inner.
What’s that you say?
Give that my way!
Oh, golly! It’s a winner!
39

Envy
I wish that I had longer legs
Like other girls my age.
Or maybe piercings in my nose,
I hear it’s all the rage.
How come others get to have
Straight teeth and straighter hair?
Instead I'm crooked curly me,
It simply isn't fair!
But surely I have qualities
That make my classmates jealous.
And trying too hard to fit in
Can be quite overzealous.
Instead of wishing for Sam's eyes
Or Julie's glowing skin,
Maybe I should just embrace
The body that I'm in.
40

41

Grammar Police
Somebody call the grammar police!
Call them on my little brother, Maurice!
He mixes up words
Such as to, too, and two,
I'm sitting here
Fixing his
frag
ments
with glue!
42

His sentences ramble,
They all run away.
You can’t even tell
What he's trying to say!
He’s probably dangerous
So you must beware.
There he is, there he is!
Right over THEIR!
43

Idiom Idiocy
“Early birds get the worm”
Means that we should rise
To seize the day
But I must say
That doesn’t seem so wise.
Early birds may get the worm!
What’s that to do with me?
I’d rather stay in bed all day
Than eat a worm, you see.
44

A Hundred Lives
If I could live a hundred lives,
I might go back to school.
In one I'd study painting,
In the other, molecules!
I'd spend one as a runner,
Sprinting fast and growing lean.
I'd spend one getting fat
By eating all the best cuisine.
In a hundred lives,
I’d get tattooed in number two.
In five I’d try to scuba dive,
In twelve I'd learn kung fu!
For one I'd marry rich
Then have my own career for fun,
In the first I'd have four children
In the next life, I'd have none!
But in every permutation,
There is one thing that stays true.
If I could live a hundred lives,
I'd spend them all with you.
45

Muddy Mayhem
Yesterday it rained,
Which resulted in a flood.
This produced a fresh new batch
Of icky, sticky mud!
Of course I was ecstatic
And at once began to play.
I made it into pies and soup
And sculpted it like clay!
I slopped it on my face
Like they do at fancy spas.
I splashed and slid and squished
The dirty mud between my paws.
I love it when it pours
For all the muddy aftermath,
But when I came inside
My parents made me take a bath!
46

Coffee
“Coffee’s bad!
It keeps you up
And surely stunts your growth.”
I’m 6 feet tall and sleep all day,
So maybe I'd like both!
Chores
“Make your bed”
My mother nags,
“Prepare it for your slumber.”
Just one hitch,
One minor snag,
I don’t have any lumber.
47

Inventor
In school today, we learned about
How birds stay in the sky.
Their bones are light and hollow,
So they can soar and fly!
I had a bright idea
For my species to excel.
It would have made my famous,
But it didn’t go so well...
One night I snuck in softly
To the tool shed in the yard.
I had to pick the lock,
But it wasn’t even hard!
48

I found Dad’s old electric drill,
Oh, I shouldn’t tell you…
…Well maybe I will!
I took my arm
And found the bone,
Switched on the light,
And all alone,
I grit my teeth
And plugged it in,
Well, now that I SAY it I see how it sounded,
But anyway, Dad caught me and now I'm grounded.
49

Bubble Balloon
Marie blew a bubble
While standing inside it.
She knew this was trouble,
But stayed on to ride it.
Her room was ascending
With birds in the sky.
Her doom was impending
As she floated high,
Over her rooftop
And over her town
Till the bubble went POP!
And she fell down.
50

Penguins
What a silly type of bird
That cannot even fly.
Dressed up in a business suit
But doesn’t wear a tie!
Birds are meant to soar in air,
Not swim inside the sea.
Penguins are more like a fish,
But fat and feathery!
51

The Beach
Scratchy sand between my cheeks
And seaweed in my hair.
The thieving seagulls clack their beaks,
Of them you must beware.
The ocean’s full of jellyfish,
And maybe even sharks.
The water makes my eyeballs sting,
The sun leaves scorching marks.
I hate the stupid gentle breeze
That calms me as it blows.
I hate the little sandy fleas
That scuttle round my toes.
52

I don’t like building castles
And I don’t like flying kites,
Bobbing up and down on waves,
Or any such delights.
Clearly I detest the sea!
There’s nothing to unpack.
But out of curiosity,
When are we coming back?
53

Wombywat
The wombywat comes in the dead of the night,
Into naughty kids' rooms, and he gives them a fright.
He'll eat all your fingers and chop off your toes,
If you dare misbehave, the wombywat knows.
He slips through your window
And sits very near,
And whispers these
Three little things
In your ear:
Don't grab things from others, remember to share,
Or I'll come and find you and shave off your hair.
Make sure to remember to be a good sport,
Or else I will eat you, I'm glad to report.
No scratching or biting, don't hit, push, or shove,
Or I will be something you should be scared of!
So before you let winning go straight to your head,
Remember the three things the wombywat said,
Or he'll come through your window and stand by your bed,
And then, this I promise, you'll be filled with dread.
54

Pro-Aging
In effort to look younger
And her wrinkles to erase
My mom puts sliced cucumbers
All over her face!
Of course, I tried the opposite.
I guess results are fickle,
‘Cause I didn’t look much older
When I tried it with a pickle!
55

Waiting
Staring up at ticking time
On the final day of school,
Waiting for the bell to chime
So I can rush into the pool!
Waiting up with joy and glee
On winter nights of quiet snow,
For Christmas gifts beneath the tree,
Will they be there? I don’t know!
The more I grow the more I learn
Anticipation is a sweet,
To suck and savor, long and yearn
A feeling that cannot be beat.
Nothing is more titillating,
Thrilling, filling and elating,
Gloriously nauseating,
Than the simple act of waiting.
56

Jelly Beans
Wouldn't it be dandy
To be able to grow candy
In the garden with the greens
Let us plant some jelly beans!
After all, beans are legumes
So they'll surely sprout or bloom.
If the beans don’t propagate
We’ll just have to excavate!
57

Feelings
Some days are happy
And others are sad
Some days are forgiving
And other are mad.
Feelings are funny
They all come and go,
But sometimes one feeling
Will stop the whole flow.
It will get comfy cozy
Just inside your head,
From the time you wake up
Till when you go to bed.
So don't get too worried
If you feel stuck
In a crummy old feeling
Or waves of bad luck.
'Cause everyone else
Gets those times sometimes too,
It’s perfectly normal,
It isn’t just you.
58

Or grumpy,
So if some days
You start to feel kind of glum,
or spiteful,
or angry,
Just take a deep breath
And try not to forget
It’s okay to have feelings,
Even when you’re upset.
or dumb,
59

Eenie Meanie
Eenie meanie miney moes
Nab a narwhal by its nose!
Teeny weeney tiny snails
Pluck the parrots by their tails!
Grab a camel by its hump
Catch a rabbit by its rump!
Hook a rhino by its horn
Try to trap a unicorn!
Bag a bat and snag a shrew,
Soon you’ll have the whole dang zoo!
60

Hiccups!
I woke up with the hiccups
And they just won’t go away.
I hic! can hardly hic! squeeze out
A couple words a day!
I hic! drank water upside down
Straight from an icy cup,
I gargled, hic! held in my breath
But still I just hic! up!
I ate a bitter lemon
And a spoon of sugar sweet
No matter what I hic! attempt
These hiccups can’t be beat!
You say the only real cure’s
To give someone a fright,
But I don’t think tha—AHH!
You scared me...
Well, I guess you’re right!
61

Thanks for reading!
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