ECA Review - 2024-01-04

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4 J anuary 4'24 HANNA/CORONATION/STETTLER, AB. ECA REVIEW
FROM THE BLEACHERS
Sports humour review from 2023 (Part 2)
• Scott Ostler of the San
Francisco Chronicle, on the
Oakland A’s proposed move to
Las Vegas: “A’s will sell out
every game in LV, as long as
seventh-inning stretch is
Seigfried & Roy turning their
tigers loose to chase Wayne
Newton.”
• Comedy guy Torben Rolfsen
of Vancouver: “I knew Vegas
wasn’t a real hockey town when
they didn’t boo Gary Bettman.”
• From my cynical friend
Bobby the Brat: “Alek Manoah
of the Blue Jays is going to the
all-star game; he’s the pitcher
for the Home Run Derby.”
• Headline at fark.com:
“Negotiations between the 76ers
and James Harden are reportedly
heating up over who gets to
keep his facial hair.”
• Jack Finarelli at his website
sportscurmudgeon.com, on a
proposed NBA in-season tournament
helping to spike interest
in the playoffs: “Hey, it could
happen — just as it could
happen that next year’s
Kentucky Derby winner will be
a latter-day Mr. Ed and give his
own interviews after the race.”
• Thomas Carrieri on Twitter:
“Barry Bonds was so dominant
he once got internationally
walked during a Home Run
Derby.”
• RJ Currie of sportsdeke.
com: “Victor Wembanyama is
actually seven feet, three
inches, in height. Tall, but well
short of all the surrounding
hype.”
• Headline at the onion.com:
“Bears GM Focused On
Drafting Players Who Can Help
Justin Fields Up After Sack”
• RJ Currie again: “Russian
Olympic high-jumper Anna
Chicherova said she’s shocked
at her most recent failed doping
test. Not as shocked as the stadium
crowd after she cleared
the left-field bleachers.”
• Sign displayed by a
Mariners’ fan at a Blue Jays’
game in Seattle, aimed at all the
Canadian fans in attendance:
“Stanley Cup champions since
’94: USA 29, Canada 0”
• Steve Simmons of
SunMedia, on the $360 million
six-year contract signed by
Jaylen Brown of Boston Celtics:
“Jaylen Brown will be paid
more than the Canadian
Football League next season.”
• Another onion.com headline:
“Deshaun Watson: ‘I’ve
Learned From My Mistake Of
Using My Own Name At
Massage Parlors’
• Jon Greenberg of The
Athletic, on the baseball fight
between Cleveland’s Jose
Ramirez and Tim Anderson of
the White Sox, the latter being a
one-punch loser: “(Anderson)
should get seven games for
starting it and another seven for
losing. That’ll teach him to
square up like he’s Sonny
Liston.”
• Headline at fark.com, after a
Billy Walters’ book detailed
excessive gambling habits of
Phil Mickelson: “Found out why
Lefty wanted that LIV money”
• Brendan Porath of The Fried
Egg on the PGA Tour’s ‘designated’
events now being called
‘signature’ events: “So we’re
continuing to work our way
through the entire thesaurus to
find a word that will suggest
that some events are more
important than others.”
• LIV-bashing English pro
golfer Eddie Pepperell, on
Twitter, after Harold Varner III
said it was easier to win on the
PGA Tour than on LIV: “Unlike
money, brains aren’t in abundance
on LIV.”
• RJ Currie again: “The city
council in Jerez de la Frontera,
Spain, discovered two
employees had been collecting
roughly two years of pay
without working. ‘That’s a bad
thing?’ asked Randy
Moss.”
• German tennis
pro Alexander
Zverev on the scent
of marijuana at the
U.S. Open: “(Court
17) smells like weed.
It definitely smells
like Snoop Dogg’s
living room.”
• Steve Simmons of
SunMedia again, on
Penton
the Braves’ Ronald Acuna, with
60-plus stolen bases, getting
married on the day of a game in
Los Angeles: “Apparently, no
one has ever walked down the
aisle faster.”
• And from the website onelinefun.com:
“Today a man
knocked on my door and asked
for a small donation towards the
local swimming pool. I gave
him a glass of water.”
• Headline at theonion.com:
“FanDuel Promo Offers
Complimentary $100 Bet To
First-Time Gambling Addiction
Hotline Callers”
• Richard Deitsch of The
Athletic, obviously not a fan of
Urban Meyer, former football
coach and a member of the Fox
Big Noon Kickoff panel: “As for
Urban Meyer, well, if Meyer told
me it was sunny, I would start
looking for snow tires.”
• Comedy writer Gary
Bachman, who noted that the
Jets’ injured quarterback has
hosted televised game shows in
the past: “Aaron Rodgers’
future may be in Jeopardy.”
• NBA all-star and renowned
bad golfer, Charles Barkley,
telling a friend he liked his
Nike clubs: “Yeah, one of the
other big companies is paying
me a lot of money not to use
theirs.”
• Headline on yahoo.com, in
the midst of the Taylor Swift-
Travis Kielce relationship
noise: “Taylor Swift visits friend
at work.”
• Comedy writer Brad
Dickson of Omaha: “Am I the
only person in this miserable
nation who doesn’t care that
Taylor Swift was at the Kansas
City Chiefs game and that she
has been romantically linked to
Andy Reid?”
• Super 70s Sports, on Twitter:
“It’s going to be interesting
explaining to someone why Pete
Rose isn’t in the Hall of Fame
when we inevitably end up at
the 2040 DraftKings Hall of
Fame Induction Weekend
Presented by FanDuel.”
• Former Florida State coach
Bobby Bowden about one of his
players: “He doesn’t know the
meaning of the word ‘fear’. In
fact, I just saw his grades and he
doesn’t know the meaning of a
lot of words.”
• Found on Facebook: Former
heavyweight boxing champion
Mike Tyson on his future: “I
might fade into Bolivian.”
• Mark Lazerus of the
Athletic, on Connor Bedard
playing in the NHL at age 18:
“What is he going to do on an
off-night in Las Vegas this
month? Go to the M and M’s
store?”
• Bob Molinaro of pilotonline.
com (Hampton, Va.): “Before
rolling your eyes at the proposed
inclusion of flag football
at the 2028 Summer Olympics,
keep in mind that the
’24 Paris Games will
introduce breakdancing
as a medal sport. Now
you can roll your eyes.”
• Oilers TV host Gene
Principe of Sportsnet,
showing off some food
fare from Nashville that
included one of 11 types
of hot dogs and having
the meat slip off his
plate onto the floor.
“Oh, I’m a loser. Not a wiener.
But to be frank, they’re pretty
good.”
• Headline at the onion.com:
“Victor Wembanyama Admits
He’s A Little Overwhelmed By
Speed, Intensity Of NBA
Groupies”
• TV broadcaster and former
NBA star Charles Barkley, on
Memphis Grizzlies’ Ja Morant
getting suspended for being
caught in public with a gun and
then having another gunrelated
video circulate two
months later: “Kid can’t be that
stupid … he’s getting paid close
to $100 million and the only
thing you have to do is don’t be
a fool. Just play basketball.
Ain‘t like it’s a real job….all you
have to do is dribble a stupid
basketball and stay out of
trouble.”
• Comedy writer Alex
Kaseberg, who has an issue
with NFL officiating:
“Apparently NFL refs want pass
rushers to pick up and cradle
quarterbacks and put them
down gently like a sleeping
baby.”
• From the Canadian parody
website The Beaverton: “Oilers
struggles blamed on carbon
tax.”
• RJ Currie of sportsdeke.
com: “Last week I had cardiac
failure, was in ICU, had 2.5
litres of fluid and blood drained
from a lung, was intubated and
close to death. Even I looked
better than the Argos did in
their playoff game.”
• From a guy who goes by @
Bazecraze: “The one thing I’ve
learned from the World Cup is
that Europe still hasn’t mastered
the haircut.”
• Super 70s Sports again, on
how NFL teams often misjudge
quarterbacks on draft day: “The
Panthers are looking at their
Bryce Young receipt and still on
hold with customer service.”
• Jack Finarelli again, at
sportscurmudgeon.com, previewing
the Panthers-Titans
game on U.S. Thanksgiving
weekend: “Give thanks if you
are in a part of the country
where this game will not be
shown in your viewing area.”
• Vic Tafur of the Athletic,
suggesting Bill Belichick of the
Patriots delays his choice of
starting QB just because he
wants to put it off as long as
possible: “It’s like choosing
to down a pint of prune juice
or watch a Hallmark
movie.”
• Headline on The
Beaverton: “Ottawa radio
station still waiting for first
caller to claim free Sens
tickets.”
• Another one from Jack
Finarelli, quoting a long
retired NFL player, Alex
Karras: “I never graduated
from Iowa, but I was only
there for two terms –
Truman’s and
Eisenhower’s.”
Care to comment? Email
brucepenton2003@yahoo.ca
Santa Claus himself toured the Town of Oyen on Christmas
Eve, delivering giant bags of treats for kids of all ages. Saint
Nick performed his Dec. 24 duties with a little help from the
Oyen Lions Club.
ECA Review/S.Salkeld
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