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Calendar Girls Script - Dialogue Transcript

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - <strong>Dialogue</strong> <strong>Transcript</strong><br />

Voila! Finally, the <strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie<br />

starring Helen Mirren, Julie Walters, Ciaran Hinds, yadda yadda. This script is a transcript that was<br />

painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of <strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong>. I know, I know, I<br />

still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any<br />

corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.<br />

Swing on back to Drew's <strong>Script</strong>-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!<br />

<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong><br />

So, ladies, straight to the high point<br />

of our meeting, our guest speaker.<br />

I'm very pleased to welcome<br />

Alan Rathbone from York,<br />

who's gonna be giving us a talk<br />

on the history of the Milk Marketing Board.<br />

Thank you, Alan.<br />

Good evening,<br />

ladies of the Women's Institute.<br />

Ladies, I'd like to welcome<br />

Iris Benton from llkley.<br />

She's come to lead us<br />

through the fascinating world of rugs.<br />

I beg your pardon, Iris. I stand corrected.<br />

It's not just rugs. It's all forms of carpeting.<br />

Thank God. For a minute there<br />

I thought it was going to be dull.<br />

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11/07/2010


<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

Thank you, Iris.<br />

Our round-the-world cruise<br />

started in September in Skipton,<br />

when we booked the tickets.<br />

That's them. They were a special offer<br />

and it was essential, my wife told me,<br />

to book them before the th of the month.<br />

Thank you.<br />

I don't know about you, ladies,<br />

but can I just say, Pauline,<br />

I had no idea that broccoli<br />

could be so intriguing.<br />

Thank you.<br />

Now then, ladies, can I have<br />

a volunteer to draw the raffle?<br />

- No.<br />

- Yes.<br />

- No.<br />

- All right, I'll ask him.<br />

- Volunteer your own husband.<br />

- Yeah, right.<br />

What's Rod going to talk to the WI about?<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

Yeah, exactly.<br />

That's exactly what John'd say.<br />

- What the hell am I gonna speak about?<br />

- John, I don't care.<br />

Whatever it is is gonna be better<br />

than the bloody history of the cauliflower<br />

or whatever it is we've got next week.<br />

- One seedling...<br />

- Annie, tell him.<br />

John, the whole point of the WI is...<br />

- Are you listening to me?<br />

- Annie, what is the point of the WI?<br />

Enlightenment, fun and friendship.<br />

Well, there, you see.<br />

It's right. It's them things.<br />

In my case, you did it cos<br />

your mother asked you, then she died...<br />

- You love it.<br />

- One seed in each pot.<br />

You're bloody useless, you are.<br />

Look. Is it all right like that?<br />

I've done the Harman wedding,<br />

but the carnation table fronts<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

need to be done<br />

for that conference in Guiseley.<br />

Good Lord. Nagging lilies.<br />

And I couldn't find the order form.<br />

I thought,<br />

after your fantastic reorganisation,<br />

all the order forms<br />

had to go on the bent nail.<br />

Are you going upstairs<br />

to do your homework?<br />

I'm not bothered.<br />

No worries.<br />

Jem?<br />

Mum.<br />

Oh, you... Shoo!<br />

You beggar! Go on!<br />

He's a little devil is that crow.<br />

He'll have all them seedlings<br />

if we don't do something.<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

Something we need<br />

to have a little... a little chat about.<br />

- Annie...<br />

- Don't leave me.<br />

You great... Hey, come here.<br />

I'm not leaving you. You soft girl.<br />

At least, I bloody hope not.<br />

You know, what kind is it he's got?<br />

He says he's gonna call it<br />

Saddam Hussein.<br />

You should have told us.<br />

I'm your oldest friend.<br />

You should have told me<br />

the moment you found out.<br />

I did.<br />

No big hoo-ha, though, OK?<br />

lt'll just make it easier for him to get back<br />

to normal when he gets out, you know,<br />

and the tests are clear and...<br />

and everything.<br />

Entries for the home and craft<br />

competition to the WI tent immediately.<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

- What are they? Hell's Angels?<br />

- Sort of. They're morris dancers.<br />

- We'll see you back at the tents.<br />

- All right. See you later. Yeah.<br />

- Garden in a plant pot.<br />

- Done that.<br />

- Straightest courgette.<br />

- Done.<br />

Most creative thing done with an egg.<br />

Then we've done everything. Come on.<br />

Look at 'em. High Gill WI.<br />

Let's arrange our cakes<br />

round an old cartwheel.<br />

- Does look pretty, though.<br />

- Whose side are you on, Brutus?<br />

- No, I didn't mean...<br />

- What's your event, by the way?<br />

Tea tray on an international theme.<br />

I did Jamaica, but it could be<br />

anywhere in the Caribbean.<br />

If more people did WI, there'd be<br />

half the need for hallucinogenic drugs.<br />

Good, Ruth. International tea tray.<br />

Victoria sponge...<br />

Annie's on victoria sponge.<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

- Summat for under a pound...<br />

- Kathy.<br />

Kathy. That's it. Where's that?<br />

What's that?<br />

Annie won't have had time, running<br />

Yul Brynner in and out of Skipton General,<br />

so ta-da!<br />

I'm sorry. It just took a bit long...<br />

Oh, my God, the cake.<br />

- Told you.<br />

- It's all right. Chris has saved the day.<br />

- You baked that?<br />

- I'm not a total dead loss as a woman.<br />

I can't knit or make plum jam,<br />

but I can bake a bloody victoria sponge.<br />

- Thank you.<br />

- Course, I didn't actually bake this.<br />

- I got it from Marks & Spencer's.<br />

- What?!<br />

- The point is...<br />

- You can't enter a cake you've bought.<br />

Get off! It doesn't matter<br />

where it comes from, does it?<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

This is about putting up<br />

a united front against High Gill.<br />

This isn't bakery.<br />

It's Zulu.<br />

Are you ready?<br />

Will the parents of the young lad<br />

in the Spider-Man T-shirt<br />

please meet him under the gorilla.<br />

Now, excitement in the main tent,<br />

where the WI judging's begun.<br />

- Aye aye.<br />

- Jury's back.<br />

Ladies and gentlemen, the winner<br />

of this year's May Wilkinson trophy<br />

for victoria sponge,<br />

maximum -inch diameter,<br />

I'm pleased to say is entry number .<br />

- Nice knowing you, Chris.<br />

- Help me!<br />

That's interesting.<br />

Entered by Knapely WI<br />

and baked by Chris Harper.<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

- Very, very well done. It's a beautiful cake.<br />

- Thanks. Thanks very much.<br />

And I'm proud to say this cake also wins<br />

the judges' discretionary award.<br />

It was really beautiful.<br />

Thank you.<br />

Listen, I never normally ask this.<br />

The lightness of that sponge.<br />

Is there a trick, a technique,<br />

how you got that?<br />

Uh, well...<br />

Well, I basically stuck to<br />

me mother's advice about cake baking.<br />

Yes.<br />

Which is line the bowl with butter.<br />

Always use a warm spoon.<br />

And if it's a special event,<br />

get it at Marks & Spencer's.<br />

Throw the cake at 'em.<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

Are you throwing my cake?<br />

That is disrespectful.<br />

- This is very good.<br />

- Of course it's good.<br />

They don't give the May Wilkinson<br />

out lightly, you know.<br />

In fact, I'm going to be asked<br />

to do a master class at the WI.<br />

- That'll be interesting.<br />

- Wasn't I supposed to do one?<br />

Something? Yeah. For the WI.<br />

Or don't you want that any more?<br />

I'll tell you what, if you want me to do it,<br />

you'd better get it in quick.<br />

Go.<br />

- Kiss.<br />

- They're on "arrows of desire".<br />

- You can't go to llkley without a kiss.<br />

- I go every Thursday.<br />

It's not an overseas posting.<br />

Kiss.<br />

Firstly, how else could we start<br />

than by congratulating Chris<br />

on not only winning the May Wilkinson<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

but also the judges' discretionary ribbon.<br />

I'm so pleased.<br />

Now, the next item<br />

on the agenda is the calendar.<br />

Last year we had views of local bridges,<br />

so this year I thought we could<br />

go for the most beautiful views of...<br />

- George Clooney.<br />

...the churches of Wharfedale.<br />

fully clothed<br />

and a little "lift the flap" for December.<br />

Chris?<br />

- No, nothing.<br />

- She said George Clooney.<br />

No. No, Marie.<br />

I'm fine, you know, with whatever.<br />

Churches of Wharfedale it is, then.<br />

It should be bloody George Clooney.<br />

Burnsall Church or George Clooney -<br />

I know which I'd rather wake up looking at.<br />

It is a Norman church, you know.<br />

I'm not disputing<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

the loveliness of the church.<br />

It's the firmness of the buttocks<br />

I'm worried about.<br />

Careful. You'll pull your drip out.<br />

Anyway, let's face it,<br />

hate to be a revolutionary,<br />

it might actually sell a few copies.<br />

Yeah, the WI posing-pouch calendar.<br />

- Flesh sells, I tell ya.<br />

- Yeah.<br />

Right, decided.<br />

So where do we get a photographer?<br />

Art college. It's full of charlatans<br />

who prostitute their talent for money.<br />

- Is it?<br />

- Yeah. Lawrence was telling me.<br />

Hey, you wanna see<br />

this kid's photographs.<br />

Don't go on about them.<br />

He's taking some of me sunflowers,<br />

to see how they're getting on.<br />

It's not your photographer, it's your models.<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

Professional models cost a bloody bomb.<br />

I'll model for you for nowt.<br />

No, thanks. I've just seen your backside<br />

and, believe me, it's not like George's.<br />

There you go.<br />

This bloody settee. They're gonna need<br />

another relatives' room,<br />

for the relatives of the relatives who got<br />

injured on the settee in the relatives' room.<br />

So, did you talk to the specialist?<br />

John seems chirpier to me today.<br />

What's the old...<br />

- Pneumonia and septicaemia.<br />

- That's good. I've heard of those.<br />

They can deal with those, can't they?<br />

It means his immune system's weakened.<br />

The chemo isn't working.<br />

Which means we're finally out of straws.<br />

Don't you go buying any benches.<br />

Do what the hell I like, John Clarke.<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

If you put a bench out here,<br />

it'll have "Leeds stuffed Arsenal" on it<br />

before you get back to the car.<br />

Come on.<br />

I've written me speech.<br />

- WI.<br />

- Right.<br />

I did it about me job.<br />

And all this.<br />

You read it to me.<br />

Flowers of Yorkshire<br />

are like the women of Yorkshire.<br />

Every stage of their growth<br />

is more beautiful than the last.<br />

But the last phase...<br />

is always the most glorious.<br />

Then very quickly they all go to seed.<br />

Cheeky beggar.<br />

A while ago, I asked John Clarke<br />

to give us a talk here at Knapely WI.<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

Annie asked me to read it to you<br />

here tonight, and this is what he wrote.<br />

"The flowers of Yorkshire<br />

are like the women of Yorkshire."<br />

"Every stage of their growth<br />

has its own beauty,<br />

but the last phase<br />

is always the most glorious."<br />

"Then very quickly they all go to seed."<br />

"Which makes it ironic my favourite flower<br />

isn't even indigenous to the British Isles,<br />

let alone Yorkshire."<br />

"I don't think there's anything on this planet<br />

that more trumpets life than the sunflower."<br />

"For me, that's because<br />

of the reason behind its name."<br />

"Not because it looks like the sun<br />

but because it follows the sun."<br />

"During the course of the day,<br />

the head tracks the journey<br />

of the sun across the sky."<br />

"A satellite dish for sunshine."<br />

"Wherever light is, no matter how weak,<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

these flowers will find it."<br />

"And that's such an admirable thing."<br />

"And such a lesson in life."<br />

You ran into a gate? How'd you do that?<br />

You what?<br />

He does a paper round.<br />

It pays for his elocution lessons.<br />

Yeah, well, he's bent these good-style.<br />

It'll be quid that, love.<br />

I have to have it.<br />

Mum?<br />

Ted, would you mind if I borrowed this?<br />

Moving gently into the locust.<br />

And then we have...<br />

the lion.<br />

I have to admit I'm concerned about<br />

our great leader's grasp of t'ai chi.<br />

And into the llama.<br />

- Llama?<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

- Are there llamas in China?<br />

OK?<br />

Are you all looking in the right direction?<br />

- See you later, girls!<br />

- Bye, love!<br />

Bye.<br />

How's Annie?<br />

How can we help, do you think?<br />

Are you doing anything<br />

tomorrow afternoon?<br />

It is, I'm telling ya.<br />

<strong>Girls</strong> laughing's a good sign.<br />

It's a top sign, I tell ya.<br />

Bloody hell,<br />

if you're in with Debbie Nolan,<br />

not bein' unsound here,<br />

but she has got the most fantastic tits.<br />

She has got fine mangoes.<br />

Actually, not mangoes. I don't imagine<br />

they'd be hard like mangoes.<br />

Maybe plums.<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

Ripe plums. You know, big, ripe plums.<br />

No, what am I saying?<br />

No, not plums. Balloons!<br />

That's it. That's exactly what they're like.<br />

A pair of balloons you find behind<br />

your settee three days after a party.<br />

Gaz, will you stop talking about tits?<br />

Why would I ever wanna do that?<br />

Well, I think it's a great idea.<br />

- You weren't concentrating, were you?<br />

- I was.<br />

We're going to raise money for<br />

the hospital, to buy a sofa in John's name.<br />

By posing for a nude calendar.<br />

Oh, no.<br />

Sit down. I'm not asking you<br />

to straddle a Harley-Davidson.<br />

It's still a bit of a leap<br />

from Burnsall Church.<br />

Yes, but that's the whole point. You see,<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

like, it's an alternative calendar. It's...<br />

- It's what John suggested.<br />

- Did he?<br />

"The last stage of the flower<br />

is the most glorious."<br />

So what this calendar would be saying<br />

is "Yes, John, actually. We agree."<br />

With respect, I didn't hear him<br />

use the phrase "whip your bras off".<br />

It's £ in the leather, that sofa.<br />

Can I remind you how much<br />

last year's calendar raised?<br />

£ . .<br />

- Are you havin' it?<br />

- We're havin' it, all right.<br />

Come on.<br />

Yeah, we'll get back to you, thank you.<br />

She's...<br />

I don't know. She's being weird.<br />

Normal weird, or weird weird?<br />

- She found this.<br />

- You're kidding? Big Bazookas?<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

- I saw her looking at it.<br />

- God, I bet she went off her head.<br />

My mum did when she found<br />

me Rubber Housewives.<br />

It's a difficult age.<br />

Round about now,<br />

women go through a difficult age,<br />

when they get all irrational and odd<br />

and difficult to predict.<br />

- How do you know?<br />

- Me dad told me.<br />

- Right.<br />

- No.<br />

I've got to go, anyway.<br />

Eddie's getting back from llkley.<br />

Nobody's going to see anything,<br />

I promise you. You take the picture.<br />

I'm not quite sure how to...<br />

- Not yet. Wait.<br />

- You've just taken one of the table.<br />

Won't sell a lot of calendars, will it?<br />

It's that one.<br />

- But it's very sensitive.<br />

- Right.<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

Can anyone see my nipples?<br />

- You bloody would if it were your mum.<br />

- Look, what's she done?<br />

Flicked through one jazz mag<br />

and looked at a mucky calendar.<br />

That doesn't make her a lesbian.<br />

Hi, Jem.<br />

Your mother's just...<br />

Just go on upstairs with your friend, OK?<br />

- How was llkley?<br />

- Hey, what are you doing up?<br />

- How'd it go?<br />

- You know.<br />

They're not a scintillating lot,<br />

carpet dealers.<br />

They only get excited<br />

about bonded underlay.<br />

- Coming to bed?<br />

- Aye, in a bit.<br />

Just having a wind-down.<br />

I don't want<br />

announcements of redundancies...<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

I've come for my photos.<br />

Can't find my little receipt thingy.<br />

The name's Har...<br />

Here they are. It's £ . please.<br />

Thank you.<br />

Keep the penny. Thank you.<br />

- I'm surprised they printed it.<br />

- It's probably on the Internet by now.<br />

By the sound of it,<br />

most people have seen it already.<br />

For God's sake. I mean,<br />

lots of people have their photos taken<br />

with their tops off<br />

on holiday in lbiza, don't they?<br />

I think it just probably<br />

came as a slight shock,<br />

what with the previous photos<br />

being of flower arrangements.<br />

I've screwed up a-bloody-gain,<br />

haven't I? Yet a-bloody-gain.<br />

Whoa.<br />

Look, what we have to<br />

ask ourselves here is this.<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

What is the difference<br />

between this and the Venus de Milo?<br />

I love quizzes.<br />

- The cooker?<br />

- Celia.<br />

Both feature women<br />

with their breasts exposed.<br />

What makes one a work of art?<br />

I think the answer to that's<br />

very simple. An artist.<br />

She's clever.<br />

An artist.<br />

She's lovely.<br />

A lovely light you've used on the face there.<br />

Got her eyes, didn't he?<br />

And all those curls.<br />

Lovely.<br />

So, have you photographed<br />

many humans, or is it mainly...<br />

It is mainly poodles.<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

The blood represents globalisation<br />

and the sheep's skull<br />

is the death of democracy.<br />

- And the carrot?<br />

- The carrot is capitalism.<br />

Mainly orchids. I'm particularly<br />

interested in woodland orchids.<br />

And butterflies.<br />

I love photographing native butterflies.<br />

What exactly is your project?<br />

Hello, ladies.<br />

You'll be all right.<br />

This is crazy. He won't remember.<br />

He must see thousands of people<br />

come through here every day.<br />

Mrs Clarke? John's wife?<br />

Hiya.<br />

Hiya.<br />

Are you serious?<br />

You've got women in Skipton who are<br />

all committed to doin' a nude photo shoot?<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

- Well, technically we haven't got .<br />

- Yes.<br />

So long as we can find<br />

the right photographer.<br />

We've found the right photographer.<br />

Are you going to commit to it?<br />

You are?<br />

Sorry.<br />

Don't think of it as naked, Cora.<br />

It's not naked. It's nude.<br />

Annie, I am years old.<br />

So if I'm not gonna<br />

get 'em out now, when am I?<br />

It's the whole showing-your-breasts issue<br />

that concerns me.<br />

I think the whole point<br />

is that we don't properly.<br />

I know. That's what concerns me.<br />

- Yours are good, are they?<br />

- They're tremendous.<br />

Jessie, we're getting to the point now<br />

where we really need to commit.<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

- Now, I know...<br />

- No front bottoms.<br />

What?<br />

I'm in, just as long as it's no front bottoms.<br />

That's a sight I've reserved<br />

for just one man in my life.<br />

- Do you think your husband'll mind?<br />

- It wasn't my husband.<br />

- Course you've got a body worth lookin' at.<br />

- Just look at that parking!<br />

Ruth.<br />

Doesn't it annoy you<br />

when people take two spaces?<br />

Look, none of us<br />

have got a body worth looking at.<br />

No, well, that's not...<br />

We're not all Chrises in this life.<br />

Some of us are Ruths.<br />

I'm sorry.<br />

Ruth.<br />

Right, I did a bit of thinking<br />

about this calendar.<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

I think there's a trick<br />

we could play here.<br />

At first glance, it should look like<br />

your classic WI calendar.<br />

You know, all your jams,<br />

cakes, sewing and all that.<br />

You know, everything you'd expect.<br />

Except for one tiny thing.<br />

The person doing it is naked.<br />

It's perfect, Lawrence. Really, it's perfect.<br />

A different girl for every month<br />

in a different guise.<br />

Painting, press.<br />

Until December, when I thought we could<br />

do a group photo of you all together,<br />

you know, singin' a Christmas carol.<br />

With little hats on, like Father Christmas.<br />

There's just one small problem.<br />

The photographer's a man.<br />

The point is we won't<br />

actually be showing anything.<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

In the photos. I imagine a considerable<br />

amount will be on display in the room.<br />

That's a point.<br />

He'll have to be in the room<br />

to take the photos.<br />

- With us naked!<br />

- Well, nude.<br />

Listen, an art photographer<br />

doesn't see a naked woman.<br />

- He sees a life model.<br />

- Yes, the nudity isn't important.<br />

Easy to say<br />

when you've got your knickers on.<br />

He'll be looking at us as an artist.<br />

- I've heard that one before.<br />

- Have you?<br />

- He's not that kind of bloke.<br />

- I've heard that one before an' all!<br />

Where is he?<br />

Lawrence?<br />

I mean, have you any idea how intimidating<br />

it is to come in here in front of you lot?<br />

How much it's taken<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

that young man to do that?<br />

Sorry.<br />

Course we're not gonna go round<br />

parading ourselves in a room full of men.<br />

This isn't France, for God's sake.<br />

Lawrence will set up the photo,<br />

leave the room,<br />

dressing gowns come off,<br />

and one of us will click the shutter.<br />

Right.<br />

Lawrence?<br />

I think these girls got something<br />

to say to you.<br />

- Sorry.<br />

- Sorry, Lawrence.<br />

Right. Has anyone any activities planned<br />

we might want to seek approval for<br />

at National Conference?<br />

It's always wise.<br />

We wouldn't want to do anything<br />

without National Committee approval,<br />

not with Knapely being such a proud WI,<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

with an unblemished reputation,<br />

where it would take only one small act<br />

by a few rogue individuals<br />

to ruin a reputation<br />

that we've spent all these years...<br />

All right.<br />

Look, we're plannin'<br />

a calendar for John, everyone.<br />

Yeah, it's to raise money<br />

to buy something for the relatives' room<br />

in Knapely General.<br />

- And?<br />

- And with us on it.<br />

One for each month.<br />

And?<br />

Well...<br />

- That's about it, really...<br />

- Naked!<br />

- Naked?<br />

- Not naked. Nude.<br />

- What's the difference?<br />

- Art.<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

And seein' Marie's raised the issue,<br />

we're a good few months short.<br />

Is that not because all this has the air<br />

of another one of Chris's great ideas?<br />

Like the vodka-tasting night.<br />

No. Because I'm going to make sure<br />

this one turns out OK, Marie.<br />

Because it's for John.<br />

It was inspired by John,<br />

and it's for John, and it's because of John.<br />

And no matter what you might think<br />

of the idea, Marie, you're lookin' at January.<br />

February.<br />

March.<br />

April!<br />

Chris, do we have to make<br />

any special preparations?<br />

No. These pictures<br />

are going to be us, girls, as we come.<br />

- Oh, God.<br />

- Grey hair, cellulite, the lot.<br />

Remember, "The last phase<br />

is the most glorious!"<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

Do you have any pictures of Rene Russo?<br />

Thanks.<br />

- A week?<br />

- I know.<br />

It's a client. He does...<br />

you know this new chain of hotels?<br />

Northern summat?<br />

Shall I come?<br />

- What?<br />

- Save your sanity, love.<br />

You know, it's carpets.<br />

If I raced dragsters,<br />

there might be summat worth watching.<br />

I wanted to play next Wednesday,<br />

but I've got a bloody board meeting.<br />

Darling, come on!<br />

- Your ball's over there.<br />

- I'm coming, Frank.<br />

T minus two hours.<br />

Bras off to avoid strap marks.<br />

As we speak, darling. As we speak.<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

Darling? Come on!<br />

Good girl.<br />

- We're going to go.<br />

- We're going to go.<br />

- That's the decision.<br />

- That's the decision.<br />

We're going to go<br />

and tell them we're not going to do it.<br />

In. Quick!<br />

You have to realise I've never appeared<br />

nude in front of anyone in my life.<br />

- Not even Frank?<br />

- Frank's a major.<br />

We approach nudity<br />

on a strictly need-to-know basis.<br />

None of us have been here before, love.<br />

I mean, for God's sake, my John didn't<br />

see me naked until the spring of .<br />

What happened in the spring of ' ?<br />

There was a lizard<br />

in the shower block at Abergele.<br />

Quite a few people<br />

saw me naked that morning.<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

That's not fair.<br />

Right.<br />

- Shit or bust.<br />

- Shit or bust.<br />

- Right, Lawrence.<br />

- Ready when you are.<br />

They'll never go through with it.<br />

- It's a tool of the trade.<br />

- Ladies, just bring the lamp up a bit.<br />

- Raise the lamp for me.<br />

- No, don't touch that.<br />

Right.<br />

Annie? Chris?<br />

Can you just clear frame for me?<br />

OK, Celia, just lean in<br />

toward t'camera a little bit.<br />

Right. Enough?<br />

Perfect.<br />

OK. Ready.<br />

OK.<br />

Lawrence, we're going to need<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

considerably bigger buns.<br />

Weren't the buns flat?<br />

No! Don't mess with the buns!<br />

I like them like this. They cover more.<br />

No, don't touch the composition!<br />

- But, Lawrence, were the top buns flat?<br />

- They're flat!<br />

Yeah, but flat for us or flat for her?<br />

Don't touch the buns.<br />

Please.<br />

Sorry.<br />

Bad girl.<br />

Bun toucher.<br />

- She's got to look relaxed.<br />

- I am bloody relaxed.<br />

- And she's gotta smile.<br />

- I am smiling!<br />

No, not too much. I want it enigmatic.<br />

She looks like she's seen<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

somebody she knows in the distance.<br />

Left side up a little. Your right side down<br />

a little. And the middle section sort of...<br />

For God's sake,<br />

get bloody Botticelli in here.<br />

Lawrence. Get in here.<br />

Chin down to your left.<br />

You look beautiful, Celia.<br />

OK.<br />

We're away.<br />

I used to be in a band in the ' s.<br />

One day...<br />

Thank you.<br />

Come on, Sugden.<br />

It's your own time you're wasting.<br />

I was his junior school teacher.<br />

Jessie! What did I say about relaxing him?<br />

What did she say about relaxing him?<br />

Cup of tea, girls?<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

There's no E flat in "Jerusalem".<br />

I'll be disappointed<br />

if they look at me fingers.<br />

All right?<br />

Are you doing this one?<br />

- What's your name?<br />

- Ruth.<br />

I'm Lawrence. Photographer.<br />

One minute.<br />

- Lawrence? Lawrence, who's next?<br />

- Ruth.<br />

Ruth?<br />

Ruth? No, wait. Lawrence!<br />

Right. Let's do it.<br />

Could I have, well,<br />

you know, some privacy?<br />

Off!<br />

# We wish you a Merry Christmas<br />

and a Happy New Year<br />

Congratulations. It's a calendar.<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

Yes. Black and white with just one colour.<br />

I don't know. .<br />

.<br />

No, copies.<br />

So how much would that be?<br />

Thank you. Get back to you.<br />

- It's never that much.<br />

- It bloody is.<br />

We're looking for sponsorship,<br />

and my husband always<br />

used your products, you see.<br />

He worked for the National Park.<br />

- John Clarke?<br />

- Yes, that's right.<br />

He died of leukaemia.<br />

- Aye, I know. I'm sorry.<br />

- Thank you.<br />

What do you need sponsorship for?<br />

We're getting there. But the sunflower<br />

needs to leap out at you. More yellow.<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

- Quiet! Look, you can't all be July.<br />

- It's my birthday in July.<br />

My divorce came through in March.<br />

I'd like to be September.<br />

Marie.<br />

I'm not disturbing you, am I?<br />

I was just passing.<br />

I bought... They're nothing much.<br />

Marie, they're lovely. Come on in.<br />

I never felt I really knew John.<br />

He worked for the National Park, didn't he?<br />

- I just wanted to say, if there's anything...<br />

- These are beautiful. Are they gerberas?<br />

Gorgeous.<br />

You should get away for a bit. Have<br />

a holiday. You know, get out of Knapely.<br />

- You trying to get rid of me?<br />

- No. I just...<br />

- I feel I have to say something, Annie.<br />

- More tea?<br />

No.<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

I do know how difficult<br />

things must be for you at the moment,<br />

how you must be feeling.<br />

Do you? Oh, dear.<br />

Do you think John would have<br />

approved of this, Annie? Really?<br />

You didn't know John, you say?<br />

No, but I know that he was a good man,<br />

a decent man.<br />

If your concern is<br />

for the reputation of Knapely WI...<br />

- No, that's not what I'm saying.<br />

- Well, I think it is.<br />

The WI is about doing good.<br />

And I think we have to ask ourselves<br />

what does more good -<br />

knowing slightly more about broccoli<br />

one week than we did the last<br />

or providing some comfort for someone<br />

in the worst hours of their life?<br />

Because that's what it's like, sweetheart.<br />

And, no, I don't think<br />

you do know how I feel.<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

Annie!<br />

Result!<br />

Oh, hello, Marie.<br />

Sorry, were you...?<br />

I don't know. Marie, had you finished?<br />

You wanna put a penny in with those.<br />

They last longer.<br />

Chris.<br />

- What was that about?<br />

- Don't ask. What's the result?<br />

- I've got us a sponsor.<br />

- What?<br />

...to the old farts at Carmichael's Seeds.<br />

Say hello to the lovely people at Jennings.<br />

The beer?<br />

- Printing costs and a press launch.<br />

- The beer people?<br />

All we have to do is put<br />

their little logo at the bottom of each page.<br />

No, but the seed company made sense<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

cos, you know, John loved flowers.<br />

But he never drank beer, Chris.<br />

You know that.<br />

It's not about the beer.<br />

It's about their money.<br />

There it is. Have a look.<br />

It's beautiful.<br />

Hello, is this the Skipton News? Could<br />

I speak to your publicity person, please?<br />

I want to make an announcement.<br />

Madam Chairman, can I just... Sorry.<br />

Madam Chairman, I'm sorry. Sorry.<br />

- It's Knapely.<br />

- Sorry?<br />

- In Yorkshire.<br />

- Charming.<br />

Listen. I'm sorry to bother you<br />

in the middle of conference,<br />

but there's an issue come up at my WI<br />

which I feel duty-bound to inform you of.<br />

Well, you'll have to be brief. This way.<br />

- Bastard!<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

- She wouldn't have done it deliberately.<br />

- The absolute, and I hate to use the word...<br />

- Well, don't then.<br />

- It might have just slipped out.<br />

- To Brenda Mooney.<br />

Who happens to be Madam Chairman<br />

of the National WI Federation.<br />

We could...<br />

I mean, Marie has deliberately<br />

poured poison down there.<br />

- Well, we'll just...<br />

- Do what, Ruth? Please tell me.<br />

Seeing as calendars<br />

are being printed as we speak.<br />

If we can't use the name<br />

Women's Institute, we just don't use it.<br />

If it's not the Women's Institute,<br />

it's just a load of middle-aged women<br />

mysteriously standing naked<br />

behind fruitcakes.<br />

Oh, my God!<br />

It would look like pornography!<br />

But I don't know what's on the order form.<br />

It's under the tin can<br />

where the bent nail used to be.<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

You're gonna have to sort this one out<br />

on your own, sweetheart.<br />

Why? Where the hell are you?<br />

Tell you later. I'll be back tonight<br />

for the press conference. Bye!<br />

Chris Harper and Annie Clarke<br />

from Knapely to see Brenda Mooney.<br />

- Are you official delegates?<br />

- Yes, from Knapely.<br />

- Yes, from Knapely.<br />

- And you're here to do an open spot?<br />

- Right. Follow me.<br />

- We're in.<br />

- What's an open spot? Sounds painful.<br />

- I don't know.<br />

- Very last minute. Go on straight away.<br />

- On where?<br />

Don't know.<br />

- Which WI are you?<br />

- We're from Knapely.<br />

There are lots of them.<br />

Brenda... Sorry. Madam Chairperson...<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

- "Conference" please.<br />

- Sorry? I beg your pardon?<br />

Address the whole conference, please.<br />

Go on. You can do it.<br />

The final open spot of the morning<br />

is the delegate from Knapely.<br />

We wanted to come to ask approval from...<br />

well, from you all.<br />

We want to do a WI calendar<br />

which raises enough money to buy...<br />

a chair or a seat, a sofa, or...<br />

well, anything, really...<br />

Sorry.<br />

OK, so, the thing is here,<br />

is that the hospital local to us in Knapely<br />

is where my John...<br />

where...<br />

my husband...<br />

Thank you. Knapely,<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

best of luck with the settee. Now...<br />

No. Just hold on.<br />

Just hold on a minute with your red light.<br />

Sorry, does the other member<br />

from Knapely want to say something?<br />

Yes, because<br />

she's about to commit heresy.<br />

Hello. Here we go.<br />

- Oh, God.<br />

- Look, I hate plum jam.<br />

I only joined the WI<br />

to make my mother happy.<br />

I do, I hate plum jam.<br />

I'm crap at cakes, I can't make sponge.<br />

In fact, seeing as it's unlikely that George<br />

Clooney would actually come to Skipton<br />

to do a talk on what it was like to be in ER,<br />

there seems very little reason<br />

for me to actually stay in the WI.<br />

Except suddenly... suddenly I want<br />

to raise money in memory of a man I loved,<br />

and to do that I'm prepared to take<br />

me clothes off for a WI calendar,<br />

and if you can't give us minutes<br />

of your time, Madam Chairman,<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

well then, frankly, guys,<br />

I'm going to do it without council approval.<br />

Because there are some things that are<br />

more important than council approval.<br />

And if it means<br />

that we get closer to killing off<br />

this shitty, cheating, sly,<br />

conniving bloody disease that cancer is,<br />

God, I tell you, I'd run round Skipton<br />

market naked, smeared in plum jam,<br />

wearing nothing but a knitted tea cosy<br />

on me head and singing "Jerusalem".<br />

Let's break.<br />

minutes.<br />

We don't do nudity.<br />

But we do do charity.<br />

Can I assume this is a local fundraiser<br />

and you're not gonna be making<br />

too big a hoo-ha out of it?<br />

In which case, it's a branch matter,<br />

and I can leave any decision<br />

in the hands of your branch president.<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

- Thank you.<br />

- Thank you.<br />

Sod it. Go on, then.<br />

Evening News? Morning Herald? Did you<br />

invite the journalist from the Gazette?<br />

- Yes.<br />

- Actually, so did I. Here we go.<br />

Thank you. Keep the change.<br />

My God. It's half past. Come on.<br />

The girls will have done<br />

half the press conference by now.<br />

Right, where are we?<br />

I think it's down here. Come on.<br />

How many press releases did I send out?<br />

How many sodding press releases?<br />

Bloody local paper! What bigger than this<br />

has happened in Knapely tonight?<br />

Don't tell me.<br />

Someone's grown a U-shaped marrow.<br />

We're going to lose money, aren't we?<br />

Not only are we not going to raise it,<br />

we're actually going to lose it.<br />

I suppose we did promise<br />

it wouldn't be a big hoo-ha.<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

We tried.<br />

At least you made that speech.<br />

Yeah. Well, it's not enough, Annie.<br />

I'd rather not have tried<br />

than have to face Marie and say<br />

"Oh, no. Actually, yes, you were right.<br />

It was another one of Chris's ideas."<br />

"And what's worse" - this is a good one -<br />

"to add insult to injury, I took me clothes off<br />

and no one was interested."<br />

- You after the WI thing?<br />

- Yes.<br />

Had to spill over. They're in t'ballroom.<br />

...giving the game away to say<br />

we did have the odd glass of wine.<br />

Oh, here they are!<br />

You're nude in The Telegraph, dear.<br />

Can you pass the bacon?<br />

- Open up, Maya, love, will ya?<br />

- I have, Mum.<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

We're full.<br />

One minute the dressing gown was on,<br />

and the next it was just me and the hat.<br />

I'm here in the Yorkshire village of Knapely,<br />

where the Women's Institute<br />

have not only been raising money,<br />

but raising eyebrows<br />

by stripping for a charity calendar.<br />

I'm thinking of taking it up professionally.<br />

What's your family think?<br />

I was worried my daughter would be<br />

embarrassed, but she talked me into it.<br />

Any magazine offers?<br />

It's his village, is Knapely.<br />

House he grew up in was in Embsay Lane.<br />

And that church up there<br />

is where we got married. Hiya, Jessie!<br />

Sorry. Sorry. Miss September.<br />

It's done me the world of good.<br />

Chris, what gave you the idea?<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

Excuse me.<br />

Hello, dear. I brought my journalists<br />

to meet your journalists.<br />

Hello.<br />

To develop ideas and to have them...<br />

You know, after all, the WI is about<br />

education and empowerment of women.<br />

It's not just jam and "Jerusalem".<br />

The WI nude calendar?<br />

No, love, sorry.<br />

But I definitely sent you a batch of .<br />

Look. Look,<br />

Minstergate Bookshop, York. .<br />

And I got 'em, love,<br />

and I put 'em out at nine o'clock,<br />

and at ten past nine we'd sold out.<br />

Thanks very much. Thank you!<br />

Annie!<br />

We've got to order more calendars!<br />

We're down to the last .<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

- What is it?<br />

- They were waiting for me.<br />

- Who?<br />

- When I got back.<br />

My God.<br />

Read this, Chris.<br />

It's happened to them,<br />

just like it's happened to me.<br />

I'm going to help them.<br />

"And your photo made me smile<br />

for the first time in months."<br />

"Now I smile<br />

whenever I see the calendar."<br />

"Thank you, girls,<br />

for your bravery and beauty."<br />

"Best wishes, Vera Mason."<br />

"It reminded me so of Eileen."<br />

"You seemed to have<br />

the same spirit she had."<br />

"I know she would have howled<br />

with laughter at your photographs."<br />

"Thank you again.<br />

Looking forward to the next."<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

"I'm currently in the high security wing of<br />

Her Majesty's Prison Barlinnie in Scotland,<br />

and was mightily impressed<br />

by the sheer size of your..."<br />

It's on! Look! It's on!<br />

...has been speaking to the instigator<br />

of the world's first<br />

nude WI calendar, Chris Harper.<br />

So, Chris, tell us how it all came about,<br />

cos you wouldn't normally associate<br />

the Women's Institute with nudity.<br />

No, the usual image of the WI calendar<br />

is of plums and jam and country views.<br />

We thought if glamour photographers<br />

can do it on a beach in Bangkok,<br />

we can do it in a church hall near Skipton.<br />

Fantastic.<br />

I was trying to get in there.<br />

Middle age didn't put them off stripping off,<br />

and now these women are hogging<br />

the headlines across the north.<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

Chris Harper's behind it. Rather than fall<br />

back on the usual twee landscape scenes,<br />

she talked her friends into posing nude<br />

for the local Women's Institute calendar.<br />

Not quite the jam and "Jerusalem"<br />

the ladies are usually known for.<br />

Chris says their husbands will never<br />

look at their wives in the same way again.<br />

Neither will the other members<br />

of this quiet little Dales community.<br />

- Where you going?<br />

- It's Thursday.<br />

But you just got back from the conference.<br />

- Eddie, I've got a surprise for you.<br />

- I've had it.<br />

I got it when someone turned round<br />

in t'petrol queue and said<br />

"Isn't this tart with her tits out your wife?"<br />

Eddie.<br />

Eddie, I didn't do it just to... I just...<br />

Eddie!<br />

- Burston wedding today.<br />

- Morning, Jem.<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

- I'm Gaz.<br />

- And we've got another order.<br />

It's a massive order, Chris.<br />

Guy's comin' round at . .<br />

Got a meeting.<br />

- When are you back?<br />

- Later. Bye!<br />

When later?<br />

Anyone seen Jem?<br />

Normally more than one of you, is there?<br />

Aye. Sorry.<br />

But my wife,<br />

she's a bit busy at the moment.<br />

- Kids?<br />

- No.<br />

It's some WI calendar thing<br />

she's organised. She's on a chat show.<br />

Not the calendar? The nude one?<br />

Aye.<br />

We just bought one. My wife came home.<br />

Seriously, it's fantastic.<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

I'll tell her.<br />

So, I've bought flowers off Mr...<br />

Come on, then, which one is she?<br />

January.<br />

Suppose you're getting<br />

sick of all this, are you?<br />

Oi, give us some of that.<br />

I thought I'd find you here. You all right?<br />

You got any money?<br />

What is funny, between you and me,<br />

some of the blokes...<br />

Frank, his wife would hardly<br />

undress in front of him before.<br />

And now, apparently, you know...<br />

I was saying, it's not had that effect in<br />

our bedroom, I can tell ya. Hardly see her.<br />

Sorry, I can't resist this. Mr January.<br />

You don't mind, do you?<br />

Aye. As long as I don't have to<br />

take me clothes off.<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

I'll tell ya. It's unbelievable.<br />

Well, for the last two hours,<br />

I have been exchanging phone calls...<br />

with Hollywood.<br />

What, the real one?<br />

No, Celia. The chocolate one.<br />

Yes, the real one.<br />

From who?<br />

From the studio of a show<br />

with a man whose name I've forgotten.<br />

They're not coming<br />

all the way from America?<br />

No.<br />

They're going to do it on the phone?<br />

No. They only do face-to-face interviews.<br />

If they won't come here and won't do it<br />

on the phone, how are they...<br />

Oh, my God.<br />

We're going to Hollywood.<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

You're joking.<br />

Reynoldson, with a Y.<br />

Oh, he's there.<br />

Please. Could you<br />

put me through to his room?<br />

Eddie?<br />

"Your toilet was broken,<br />

but I've fixed it now."<br />

All right, lads.<br />

- Can I help you, Officer?<br />

- You can put that joint out for a start.<br />

- Hollywood?<br />

- It's not for fun. It's really important.<br />

I mean, if we get on the telly in America,<br />

it's fantastic publicity.<br />

I mean, just imagine, the whole of America.<br />

What about our business, Chris?<br />

Or is that not important?<br />

Can you get that?<br />

I'm in a meeting.<br />

Hello. Flower-Power.<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

It won't be anything serious.<br />

He'll be all right.<br />

- They're not charging him.<br />

- Oh, thank God.<br />

Is it not illegal then?<br />

Well, cannabis is, but they tend<br />

not to worry too much about oregano.<br />

Right.<br />

Jem, you stupid... you stupid...<br />

- Thanks, Mum.<br />

- Jem...<br />

I'll go. We've already had<br />

a little father-and-son.<br />

Anyway, you've got to sign<br />

something before we can go.<br />

- Jem!<br />

- Would you like to come this way?<br />

Yes, all right. Oh, thanks.<br />

- Thanks very much.<br />

- Good night.<br />

Where is it? Where the hell is it?<br />

Ah, passport.<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

I'm hoping they'll let me in<br />

with a few calendars.<br />

After we've been on American telly,<br />

we might be able to shift a few.<br />

No, wait a minute. The holidays<br />

are all different there, aren't they?<br />

Well, maybe we'll have to do a reprint.<br />

You know, the American version.<br />

Your son's been arrested.<br />

Yes, I know.<br />

And released, Annie, with g of oregano.<br />

The only thing<br />

that'd be dangerous in is a quiche.<br />

But he thought it was drugs, Chris.<br />

Do you want to stay? Find out why?<br />

Yes, I do, obviously, but...<br />

The woman in the studio contacted me.<br />

I'm the one who...<br />

Chris, Chris, we can cope.<br />

We're big girls.<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

Particularly Celia.<br />

Hello.<br />

I was wondering if you could<br />

quote me for some carpets.<br />

You do sell carpets?<br />

You are the owner of a carpet warehouse?<br />

- Sorry. I'm with someone.<br />

- I know.<br />

My husband.<br />

I just came to llkley<br />

to see what I wasn't as good as.<br />

OK. Well, you've done that now.<br />

He told me you were the manager<br />

of a carpet warehouse.<br />

He told me you were dead.<br />

I think maybe I have been.<br />

You are looking good, baby.<br />

Sorry. Which one of us<br />

are you talking about, Eddie?<br />

The one that makes a tart of herself<br />

by taking her clothes off, or me?<br />

Sod off. Eddie?<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

No, no. You stay and enjoy yourselves.<br />

I'm off to Hollywood.<br />

Eddie?<br />

Sorry I'm late! Frank was so slow.<br />

Bloody hell, Celia! How many frocks?<br />

...or you'll be flooded out. And if anything<br />

goes wrong, phone your Auntie Sophie.<br />

You going to say<br />

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do"?<br />

You already have, Mam.<br />

Right, everyone.<br />

Has everyone got a ticket?<br />

Yes.<br />

- A passport?<br />

- Yes.<br />

A lying snake for a husband?<br />

No? Only me there, then.<br />

Let's go!<br />

Come on.<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

Hollywood, please, on your shiniest plane.<br />

Sorry, ladies.<br />

You've come to the wrong desk.<br />

I have asked four people.<br />

Each of them said we could check in<br />

for the flight to Los Angeles at any desk.<br />

We have queued for minutes<br />

in the only queue,<br />

and we were directed<br />

to your desk by your representative.<br />

Where precisely have we gone wrong?<br />

There was no need to queue, madam.<br />

You're all flying upper class.<br />

- You've been upgraded.<br />

- We're going first class!<br />

- I can check you in here if you like.<br />

- Thank you, dear.<br />

What a nice girl. I knew she was a nice girl.<br />

- Celia, press the white button on the right.<br />

- I am doing.<br />

- On the right. The white one.<br />

- Bye-bye!<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

- Cheerio. I'm going right under you, Celia.<br />

- Fantastic.<br />

I got my foot stuck now.<br />

Where are we, Cora?<br />

This is Sunset Strip!<br />

- Cheerio, gals. I'll see you later.<br />

- What are you doing?<br />

- I'm going up.<br />

- Be careful.<br />

It's lovely. Come up.<br />

Hollywood! We're here!<br />

Get down! Stop messing about.<br />

- Good afternoon, ladies.<br />

- Thank you, Ashley, I'll handle this.<br />

Good afternoon. Welcome to Los Angeles.<br />

- It's our first time here.<br />

- Is that right?<br />

- Clarke. The name's Clarke.<br />

- Mrs Clarke.<br />

Or should I call you Miss February?<br />

I saw your picture<br />

in the paper this morning.<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

Thank you, ma'am. Now, I'll just talk you<br />

through the facilities, OK?<br />

Right.<br />

Now, there are two televisions,<br />

one on each end,<br />

both of which have cable TV,<br />

Internet access and movies on demand.<br />

Now, there's also a full bar here,<br />

but if you need anything special,<br />

don't hesitate to call downstairs and we'll...<br />

- Is everything OK, ma'am?<br />

- Yeah, no, it's fine.<br />

It's just I'm a bit tired.<br />

I'd like to go to my room now, really.<br />

This is the hotel's master suite, ma'am.<br />

This is your room.<br />

Come on, I'll show you downstairs.<br />

It's beautiful.<br />

Have you been in your bathroom?<br />

Me too! I'm in the bath!<br />

And the bubbles, they're Christian Dior.<br />

The bath bubbles! They're Christian Dior!<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

- Do you think they'll charge us for it?<br />

- I hope not!<br />

Nice! Good. And then into the limo.<br />

Into the limo. That's very good.<br />

No, it's great.<br />

- Let me have a shot with you and the girls.<br />

- No. We gotta go.<br />

- Give him a kiss. Put your arm round him.<br />

- British women are taking me hostage.<br />

Right.<br />

- What are we doing first, then?<br />

- Chris!<br />

I can't believe it!<br />

You look gorgeous!<br />

Looking lovely! That's fantastic! OK!<br />

Great, ladies.<br />

OK, we got another section coming up.<br />

- Hey! Hold it, guys. Hold it.<br />

- Bye-bye! Thank you.<br />

Ladies, please! We got a whole<br />

new section to do here! Come on.<br />

Come on, ladies!<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

It's the cover page, and then four pages<br />

about how I don't give him sex any more.<br />

I just had to get away.<br />

I mean, the press will be all over it by now.<br />

So Rod's having to deal with all that<br />

on his own, then, is he?<br />

Well, him and Jem.<br />

Slightly out of character, don't you think,<br />

for Rod, saying all that?<br />

Did he get tricked into it?<br />

Did you stay to find out?<br />

Or by that time was there a taxi waiting?<br />

- Are you all right?<br />

- Yeah. I'm fine.<br />

Annie, Chris.<br />

This is Frank, Scott and John.<br />

- They're in a band called Anthrax.<br />

- Hello.<br />

Heard so much about you. We're really<br />

impressed with what you're doing.<br />

- It's a great story.<br />

- We haven't heard anything about you.<br />

I have.<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

Have you had a think about that, then?<br />

Yes. Well, yes.<br />

It would be in that ballpark, yes.<br />

Well, you know what? Let me talk with my<br />

associates, and I'll get back to you. Bye.<br />

- Thank you.<br />

- Who was on the phone?<br />

- Very exciting.<br />

- Who?<br />

Very exciting. I'll tell you in make-up. We're<br />

dead close to a deal. Oh, look, that's him.<br />

By the way, is it Leno or Leno?<br />

We've gotta get it right.<br />

- Leno.<br />

- Are you sure?<br />

- No, I think it's Leno.<br />

- Leno.<br />

Not only will they sponsor the calendar<br />

in America to the tune of $<br />

but guess who'll be filming in the studio<br />

next to the one we shoot the advert in?<br />

What?<br />

Guess who's filming in the studio next to<br />

the one we're going to shoot the advert in?<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

Advert?<br />

Well, they sponsor us, we do their advert<br />

for washing powder. That's how it works.<br />

George Clooney.<br />

Can I have it straight like Jennifer Aniston?<br />

You know, in Friends.<br />

Why would I dye just part of my head?<br />

It doesn't make any sense.<br />

I do not dye my hair. You may have<br />

heard about my first guests.<br />

They went from living a quaint,<br />

peaceful life in a small British town<br />

to becoming nude calendar girls.<br />

They're here tonight to tell us the story.<br />

This is the calendar.<br />

Please welcome, from Knapely, England,<br />

the <strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong>. Let's bring them out.<br />

Hello, girls. How are you?<br />

How are you? Good to see you.<br />

Everybody's here. Have a seat.<br />

Just sit anywhere.<br />

I'm curious. Have you girls<br />

been strippers all your lives?<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

- We're not strippers.<br />

- Did you get drunk beforehand?<br />

It was no big deal, you know.<br />

We've all got the same bits.<br />

- The same bits? Yes.<br />

- They're just different sizes.<br />

Can I have some of them rice things?<br />

- It's called sushi.<br />

- I know.<br />

- It's all suggestive.<br />

- I could make a few suggestions.<br />

Well, ladies, it's fascinating.<br />

Good luck with your work.<br />

And, please, if you would just try to<br />

encourage more women to get naked.<br />

Thank you very much,<br />

the ladies of Knapely.<br />

We do have to work some kind of order out<br />

when we're asked questions,<br />

cos far too much of that you couldn't hear<br />

because everybody was talking.<br />

Annie? Annie?<br />

What are you doing? You missed it.<br />

We were just on television,<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

the whole reason we came here.<br />

I thought that was<br />

to get away from the press.<br />

Hello?<br />

Hello?<br />

Is there anyone there?<br />

There they are!<br />

Yes!<br />

Welcome, ladies. How are we today?<br />

- Fine.<br />

- Fantastic. Fabulendo.<br />

My name is Danny. I'm the director.<br />

And which one of you is Chris?<br />

You're Chris.<br />

Hi. Exciting. Yeah, yeah.<br />

OK, now, just to let you know, what I've<br />

done is cleared the studio of excess men.<br />

That's a shame.<br />

I didn't want you walking around naked<br />

in front of a bunch of guys you didn't know.<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

Sorry?<br />

We're doing the washing powder, right,<br />

hanging the washing on the line.<br />

And naked behind.<br />

I mean, there's not a problem<br />

with that, is there?<br />

It is what you girls do, isn't it?<br />

- Yeah.<br />

- Yes. Great.<br />

Not now. I'm working. Go, go, go.<br />

Great! Beautiful! I love this!<br />

Ladies, the time is now.<br />

Roxanne, Carol, hi.<br />

- Nice to see you.<br />

- Nice to see you. What do you think?<br />

- It's great.<br />

- Thank you very much.<br />

- Is the agency happy?<br />

- We are.<br />

Thank you.<br />

Annie!<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

We'll be just a moment.<br />

Annie, this is for the calendar. We just<br />

do this, we get the calendar out in America.<br />

- Look, are you gonna talk to me?<br />

- I need a shower.<br />

- What?<br />

- Was it down here?<br />

I feel dirty. Your washing powder<br />

made me feel dirty.<br />

- My washing powder?<br />

- Down here.<br />

I get it. I see.<br />

This is cos I've organised it, right?<br />

Because I've made a success of getting us<br />

a sponsor and taken this out of being...<br />

We're not just raising money<br />

for a relatives' room any more.<br />

- We're taking on the bloody disease.<br />

- Red light's on, Chris!<br />

You can't stand it, can you?<br />

You cannot stand<br />

that I've made this calendar a success.<br />

No, see, Chris, what's happened<br />

is this calendar's made you a success.<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

- What's that supposed to mean?<br />

- Where are we?<br />

- Annie, what is that supposed to mean?<br />

- Don't ask me what it means, Chris!<br />

When you're standing in a cardboard street<br />

talking about meeting George Clooney.<br />

What's with all these letters? All this bloody<br />

Florence Nightingale, this agony aunt?<br />

Doesn't that smack<br />

just a little bit of being a star?<br />

Loads of people lose their partners to this<br />

disease. I bet they don't all get fan mail.<br />

Doesn't that make you a little bit of<br />

a success, a successful bereaved woman?<br />

A celebrity widow? St Annie of Knapely?<br />

I'm not a saint,<br />

because I'd rob every penny<br />

from this calendar<br />

if it would buy me<br />

just one more hour with him.<br />

You've still got yours,<br />

and you're in Hollywood!<br />

Oh, Lord! It's Thursday.<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

- Come on.<br />

- We've gotta get in there.<br />

Are you coming?<br />

Hello, love.<br />

How's Jem?<br />

He made a quiche on Tuesday.<br />

We've been stoned ever since.<br />

Don't worry, Chris. He'll be all right.<br />

Look, Rod, I'm sorry.<br />

- You don't have to apologise.<br />

- I do have to apologise.<br />

Everything you said<br />

in the paper was true, wasn't it?<br />

- I didn't know he was a journalist.<br />

- This isn't the point.<br />

I mean, you still said it.<br />

Just why didn't you say it to me?<br />

Why didn't you just, I don't know, shout out<br />

"What the bloody hell do you think..."<br />

I know you'd have liked me to.<br />

It'd suit your Hollywood story if I'd been<br />

"No bloody wife of mine!"<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

But I've not because... I actually think<br />

it's brilliant what you've done.<br />

That's why I've stood behind you, and I've<br />

told your son to get over it and be proud,<br />

because I actually wanted you<br />

to have all this.<br />

Thank you.<br />

Do me a bloody favour, get back in that<br />

hall and sort out what's wrong with Annie.<br />

I don't know what to say to her.<br />

She's your oldest friend, Chris.<br />

You don't have to say anything.<br />

Sorry. Ladies, ladies. Would you...<br />

Ladies, please.<br />

Since we've stopped, as it happens,<br />

today we've finally been sent the first<br />

figures for the sales of our calendar.<br />

Come on. Where is it? Right, thank you.<br />

It says here in this letter<br />

from Leukaemia Research Fund<br />

that we've so far raised...<br />

£ .<br />

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<strong>Calendar</strong> <strong>Girls</strong> <strong>Script</strong> - transcript from the screenplay and/or Helen Mirren movie<br />

So a big round of applause to all of us<br />

for making it such a success.<br />

We can get that sofa in the leather, then.<br />

I've put our names down<br />

for next month's speakers.<br />

"Chris and Annie:<br />

What We Learned in Hollywood."<br />

You're lying. Colin Petley's coming<br />

from Keighley with his tea towel collection.<br />

Be still, my beating heart.<br />

- Anyone fancy some chips?<br />

- Oh, yes!<br />

Special help by SergeiK<br />

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