IBCD Signs - Biblical Counseling Online

The Basics of Biblical Counseling
Revised and Updated September 2010

Part I: Foundations of Biblical Counseling
Table of Contents
Psychology and Christian Counseling .......................................1
General Principles of Biblical Counseling ....................................5
The Doctrine of Sanctification and Biblical Counseling (Romans 6) ...............13
How Do People Change? ...............................................15
Theology and Biblical Counseling ........................................19
The Medicine-Only Approach to Biblical Counseling ..........................21
Psychotropic Drugs and Biblical Counseling .................................23
Cognitive Perceptive Disorders and Biblical Counseling ........................27
Part II: Common Counseling Issues
Peacemaking:
Peacemaking (Romans 12:18) ...........................................31
Forgiving Others (Genesis 45) ...........................................33
ChurchDiscipline (I Corinthians 5:1-13, Matthew 18:15-20) ....................35
Confess Your Sins (I John 1:8-10) ........................................41
Anger/Abuse:
Anger ..............................................................43
Who is a Murderer? (Matthew 5:21-26) ...................................45
Counseling in Cases of Abuse ............................................49
Depression:
Depression ..........................................................55
Rejoice in God's Forgiveness (Psalm 32) ...................................57
WhyDo the Wicked Prosper? (Psalm 73) ..................................59
Worry/Anxiety/Fear:
Worry/Anxiety .......................................................61
How to Have Joy and Peace (Philippians 4:4-7) ..............................63
Don’t Worry, Be Holy! (Matthew 6:25-34) .................................65
Fear ...............................................................67
In Whom Do You Trust? (Jeremiah 17:5-10) ...............................69
Temptation:
Temptation .........................................................71
Learning from King David’s Mid-Life Failure ................................73
David’s Catastrophic Sin (II Samuel 11:1-5) ................................81
The LORD Confronts David’s Sin (II Samuel 12:1-12) ........................83
Learning from Joseph’s Temptation (Genesis 39) .............................85
Life Dominating Problems: Drugs, Alcohol, Etc. .............................87
Wisdom from Proverbs about Substance Abuse ..............................89
The Pain of Porn .....................................................93
Gluttony, Diet, Fitness and Body Idolatry ..................................95

Marriage:
Biblical Foundations: Marriage is Made in Heaven (Genesis 2:18-23) ..............99
Biblical Foundations: God’s Directive for Marriage (Genesis 2:24) ...............101
Are You an Adulterer? Part 2: Divorce (Matthew 5:31-32) ....................103
How to Change Your Husband (Ephesians 5:22-24, I Peter 3:1-6) ...............107
How to Change Your Wife (Ephesians 5:25-30, I Peter 3:7) ...................109
Solving Marriage Problems: Conflict Resolution and Communication .............111
Solving Marriage Problems: When Husbands Won’t Lead .....................113
Solving Marriage Problems: Using Financial Wisdom from Proverbs .............115
Solving Marriage Problems: Sex ........................................119
Parenting:
Parenting is More Than a Formula: Part 1 .................................121
Parenting is More Than a Formula: Part 2 .................................123
You Never Stop Being a Parent: Parenting Your Adult Children ................125
Dealing WithRebellious Teens: When “Good” Kids Make Bad Choices ...........131
But My Child Is Different! .............................................135
Knowing God’s Will:
Knowing God’s Will: Part 1 (Deuteronomy 29:29) ...........................137
Knowing God’s Will: Part 2 (Proverbs 3:5-6) ...............................141
Part III: Counseling Helps for the BiblicalCounselor
Some of My Favorite Counseling Resources ...............................143
(Approximately) 100 “Go to” Texts for Biblical Counseling ....................147
Homework Assignments ..............................................151
The Use of Audio Resources in Counseling ................................153
Confidentiality Policy for IBCD .........................................155
Consent to Counseling ................................................157
PersonalData Inventory ...............................................159
IBCD Counseling Observation Information ................................163
Observer’s Organizer .................................................167
IBCD Counseling Role Play Class .......................................169
Counselor’s Notes ...................................................171
Becoming a NANC Certified Counselor through IBCD .......................173
The Three Phases of NANC Certification ..................................177
NANC Observation Log ..............................................181
NANC Pastor/Elder Evaluation .........................................183
NANC Application for Membership ......................................185
NANC Theology Exam ...............................................189
NANC Counselor’s Exam .............................................191
NANC Case Report Form .............................................193

Part IV: Additional Outlines:
AChange of Clothes and a Change of Mind (Ephesians 4:17-24) ................195
AMatter of Life and Death ............................................197
Abortion and the Philosophy Behind it ....................................199
Counseling in a Postmodern World ......................................203
Courtship and Dating: Avoiding the Hurt (Genesis 2:18-25) ....................207
The Disease of Materialism (1 Timothy 6:5-10, 17-19) ........................209
Duties of Husbands and Wives (1 Peter 3:1-7) ..............................211
Financial Freedom ...................................................215
God and Your Family (Deuteronomy 6:5-9) ................................219
God Speaks to Children (Ephesians 6:1-3, Colossians 3:20) ...................221
Helping Families with Twixters .........................................225
Hope for Parents (Ephesians 6:4) ........................................227
Integrity (Exodus 20:16) ..............................................231
Obedience to God (I John 2:3-6) ........................................233
Peer Pressure: Not Just for Teens ........................................235
Serve God in Your Vocation (Ephesians 6:5-9) .............................239
The Tenderness Trap ................................................241
Turn Natural Vices into Supernatural Virtues (Ephesians 4:25-30) ...............247
The Virtuous Man(Job31) ............................................249
Walk inLove (Ephesians 4:29-5:2) ......................................251
WhichSchool for Your Children? .......................................253
The Wise Woman (Proverbs 31) ........................................257
Part V: Homework:
Anger “Hot Button” List ..............................................259
Anger Journal/Heart Journal............................................260
Are You a Fool? ....................................................261
Biblical Process of Change .............................................262
Built to Last: Marriage Homework ......................................263
Business Travel Plan for Avoiding Sexual Temptation ........................264
AChecklist of Ways Parents Provoke Their Children to Anger ..................265
Child-Centered or God-Centered Home ...................................266
Christ-Centered or Child-Centered Home ..................................267
Child Rearing .......................................................268
Communication: Discussion Questions ....................................269
Communication Guidelines. ............................................271
Computer Purity Covenant .............................................272
Conference Table Guidelines ...........................................274
Conflict Resolution Questions ..........................................275
Counselor’s Checklist ................................................278
Data Gathering: Questions for Sexual Problems .............................279
Depression Homework Assignment Samples ...............................284
Do I Have a Servant’s Heart? ...........................................285
FamilyBudget ......................................................287
FamilyConflict Assignment ............................................288
Fear Homework Assignment Samples ....................................289
50 Questions to Ask Your Wife .........................................290
Four Rules ofCommunication ..........................................292

Giving Hope .......................................................294
How Do I Rate as an Encourager? .......................................295
How to Be a Bargain for Your Mate .....................................297
How to Meditate: The MAP Method .....................................299
Identifying Personal “Idols” ............................................300
Identifying Pride .....................................................303
Idolatry and Repentance Plan of Action ...................................304
Is Masturbation a Sin? ................................................306
Journalof Upsets ....................................................309
“Log” List .........................................................311
Manipulation Test ...................................................313
The Panic “Fear” Attack ..............................................315
The Path of Repentance ...............................................317
PersonalityInventory Chart ............................................318
Possible Homework Assignments and Strategies ............................325
Problem-Solution Sheet ...............................................326
Questions Mentors Ask ...............................................327
Reading Report Form.................................................328
RecoveryPlan After Failure ............................................329
Respecting Your Husband: A Self-Assessment Quiz ..........................330
Root & Fruit Assignment ..............................................333
Self-Awareness & Self Examination ......................................334
Self-Sacrificing Love (1 Corinthians 13:4-8) ................................336
The Seven Steps of Parenting ...........................................337
Sexual Purity Covenant ...............................................338
The Sin Test .......................................................340
Solutions to Fear ....................................................342
Some Suggested Steps When Spanking ...................................343
Submission...What is it? ...............................................344
Suffering Worksheet .................................................346
Teach Us to Number Our Days (Psalm 90:12) ..............................348
Ten Scriptural Convictions Children Need to Be Taught ......................349
Things You can Do To Resolve Conflict ..................................350
2 Ways to Handle Hurts ...............................................351
Unfaithfulness Assignment .............................................353
Using Homework Effectively ...........................................354
When to Stop Counseling ..............................................356
Worry Homework ...................................................357
Y-Diagram .........................................................358

Part I: Foundations of Biblical Counseling

Psychology and Christian Counseling
I. Introduction and review.
A. A breakdown in society - the religion of secular humanism.
B. The failureof the Church.
C. The emergence of the Biblical Counseling Movement.
1. Jay Adams: 1970s Competent to Counsel.
II. Harmful errors of modern psychology.
A. Is psychology a science in the same way that medicine is?
1. Should the pastor deal with the spiritual problems while the mental health
professional deals with the emotional and mental problems?
2. Psychology and theology both deal with the same fundamental issues of meaning and
value from widely differing perspectives.
B. Unscripturalpresuppositions and practices of certain schools of psychology.
1. Afaulty view of man.
a. Man is only an advanced animal: naturalism/materialism. Gen. 1:26-27
b. Man is basically good, or at worst a blank slate. Rom. 3:10-18, 23 Ps. 51:5
c. Man is autonomous: able to solve his own problems without God s help.
John 15:5 II Tim. 3:2
2. Excuses sin and denies personal responsibility.
a. Blame shifting: parents, teachers, society, etc. I John 1:8-10 Js. 1:13-15 Ps. 32.3f
b. The medical model: calling sin sickness ( mental illness ).
c. Is there such a thing as mental illness ?
1

3. No fixed moral values: relativism. II Tim. 3:16-17
a. Non-directive counseling (Rogers). Pr. 14:12 Col. 1:28 Js. 5:19-20
b. Sinful behaviors and desires legitimized.
c. Promotion of socially acceptable gratification of carnal appetites (ventilation).
d. Often attempts to relieve God-given guilt by destroying conscience.
4. No place for God.
C. Secularpsychology is powerless to bring about meaningful change. Jer. 17:9 Rom. 8:5-8
D. What about those cases in which people seem to get better?
1. Often symptoms (i.e. bizarre behavior) go away with or without treatment.
2. The most serious (spiritual) problems remain. Luke 11:24-26
III. Christian approaches to counseling.
A. Radical separation: the pastor and psychologist are professionals working in different
realms.
1. Pastorsrefer cases dealing with emotional problems to qualified counselors.
2. Psychology and biblical Christianity address the same human problems from very
different viewpoints.
3. Who is qualified to counsel? Gal. 6:1 Rom. 15:14
2

B. Integration: psychologists who happen to be Christians are best suited to helping people
with their problems.
1. These people tend to use their psychologicaltraining as a starting place, with
Scripture being applied to support the psychological ideas. Mk. 12:31 II Tim. 3:2
2. They tend to accept psychological findings uncritically while neglecting sound, indepth
Bible teaching.
3. The danger of integration. II Cor. 6:14-18
C. Synergism/spoiling the Egyptians: since alltruth is God s truth , Christians should add
the best of psychology to what the Bible teaches.
1. They claim to use Scripture to critically examine the findings of psychology.
2. They have the same problems as the integrationists.
3. Their system is unusually built around an extra-biblical concept.
4. That which was taken (spoiled) from the Egyptians was silver, gold, and garments,
not ideas and beliefs. Col. 2:3, 8-10 Lev. 18:3f I Cor. 3:19
D. Biblical counseling: the Bible is the sole and sufficient authority in counseling.
II Tim. 3:16-17 II Pet. 1:3 Heb. 4:12 Ps. 19:7-14
1. The Bible is a fully sufficient textbook for counseling. I Cor. 10:13
2. The goal of Biblical Counseling is to give instruction from the Bible so the counselee
can achieve God s goals in his/her life. I Tim. 1:5 Col. 1:27-29
3. Counselor qualifications are spiritual, not merely academic. Gal. 6:1-2 I Tim. 4:12, 16
4. Counseling is not the responsibility of an elite group of professionals, but of every
member of Christ s Church. Rom. 15:14 Heb. 10:24-25 Js. 5:19-20
3

5. Ultimately counseling is God s work. Rom. 15:13I Cor. 10:13 Ph. 4:13 Is. 9:6 11:1f
a. It is only in Christ that people have hope.
b. The Holy Spirit is the ultimate counselor. John 14:16-17 Gal. 5:16-25
IV. Other critical concerns.
A. Is there any value to secular psychology?
1. Isn tall truth God s truth? Yes, and all error is the devil s error.
2. Relying upon secular psychology is a denial of the sufficiency of Scripture.
3. Is there any case in which outside help is needed?
4. Why might it be useful for Christians to know something of psychology?
B. How should unbelievers be counseled?
1. Anon-Christian isincapable of seeking after God s goals or doing God s will.
Rom. 8:7-8 Gal 5:18 Heb. 11:6
2. Unbelievers require pre-counseling: evangelism.
C. Does Biblical Counseling ever fail? Luke 18:18-25 Gen. 4:6ff
V. Conclusion: you are competent to counsel: biblically.
Jay Adams, Competent to Counsel. The Christian Counselor s Manual, Ready to Restore.
4

GeneralPrinciples of BiblicalCounseling
I. Introduction and review.
A. Psychology and Christian counseling.
1. Harmful errors of modern psychology.
2. Christian approaches to counseling.
B. The Biblical (nouthetic) Counseling Movement.
C. Some fundamental assumptions.
1. The Bible is sufficient as our textbook forcounseling. II Pe. 1:3 II Ti. 3:16-17
Ps. 19:7-14 Heb. 4:12
2. The goal of counseling is change in conformity with God's revealed will, not
necessarily the (selfish) desires of the counselee. Col. 1:28
3. Change according to God's standard can only take place by the power of the
Holy Spirit. Phil. 4:13 Gal. 5:16f
4. The counselor is qualified through personal holiness and a knowledge of the
Word of God. Ga. 6:1 I Ti. 4:16-17,7-8,13 3:1-7
II. Key elements in Biblical Counseling.
A. Involvement. Gal. 6:1
1. Avoid "professionalism" - proud, aloof, distant, mechanical. II Cor. 2:4
2. Instead, be humble and brotherly, treating your counselee with respect.
Mark6:34 Matt. 9:35-36 Heb. 2:14-18 4:15 John 11:33-35
Acts 20:31 II Co. 2:4 4:28-29 I Th. 2:7-8 I Co. 13:7 Rom. 12:10 Phil. 2:3-4
3. Be careful not to fall into their sin! Gal. 6:1b Prov. 1:10f
a. Why might this happen?
b. What precautions should we take? Titus2:3-5
c. Why shouldn t women counsel men? I Tim 2:12
5

4. Don't become an emotional crutch - make them dependent upon God, not you!
II Chron. 24:2
5. Pray with and for your counselee. Phil. 1:3-4
6. Hope must be built from the earliest stages of counseling. I Cor. 10:13
Rom. 15:4-5,13 Phil. 1:6 II Cor. 5:17 Prov. 12:25 15:13 17:22 18:14
Mt. 11:28-30
a. What is our basis of hope? I Tim. 1:1
b. What is the nature of our hope? Heb. 11:1
c. What can be done to build hope?
d. Give manageable homework assignments to build hope.
B. Investigation. Prov. 18:15
1. Begin with a plan. Pr. 21:5
2. Don't jump to conclusions. Prov. 18:13 14:15
3. Learn to ask good questions and to listen. Pr. 20:5
4. Characteristics of good questions (see Mack p. 223f)
a. Thoughtful and gracious
b. Relevant
c. Produce facts
d. Open-ended
5. The PREACH principle for investigating
a. Physical: sleep, diet, exercise, drugs, alcohol, medications (Many
psychotropic), caffeine II Co. 4:6 Ecc. 5:12
b. Resources: what help is available: church, family, friends: accountability?
c. Emotional: fear, worry, anxiety, bitterness, loneliness, depression, Anger
d. Action: Ps. 32 Gen. 4:5-8 Js. 1:22,25
e. Conceptual Mark 7:19-23 Eph. 4:23 Ro. 12:2 Heb. 4:12
f. Historical
6

6. Wherepossible, hear fromallparties involved. Prov. 18:17
7. Not all problems are caused by personal sin.
a. Organic problems should be referred to physicians.
b. You may need to get the client stabilized physically before you can have
ameaningful session - i.e. lackof sleep, under the influence.
8. One of the most important issues to determine is whether the counselee is a
believer. I Jo. 5:1 2:3-4 4:7-8 Mt. 7:21-23
9. Atool - the Personal Data Inventory.
10. Also gather non-verbal data. Pr. 6:13 Gen. 4:5
C. Interpretation. Rom. 12:2 Pr. 3:5-7
1. After you have gathered adequate data, you need to draw some conclusions.
2. You need to evaluate your counselee s spiritual condition. I Th. 5:14
3. Often the counselee will not know what his problem is, or he will have
incorrectly identified it. Pr. 14:12 16
4. You want to give biblical labels to the counselee s situation. Pr. 3:5-7
a. What biblical language best describes this person sproblem?
b. What insightsdoes theBible give for the probable causes of such
problems?
Js. 4:1f
5. Distinguish between the symptoms and the causes of problems.
7

6. Often your greatest challenge will be to sort out and prioritize the counselee s
issues.
7. Problems stem from the heart. Jer. 17:5-10 Mark 7:18-23
D. Instruction. II Tim. 3:16-17 Eph. 4:17-28
1. Rely Upon the Inerrant and Powerful Word of God. Pr. 3:5-7
a. Handle the Scriptures carefully. Js. 3:1f II Tim. 2:15
b. Use textsfor the purpose God gave them.
2. Prepare counseling outlines.
3. Teach interactively and creatively.
4. Teach redemptively (answers are in Christ). Rom 6:1f
5. You must deal firmly with sin. Eph. 4:17-22 I Thess. 5:14 I Jo. 1:8-10
Acts 20:31 Ga. 2:11 IITi. 3:16-17 Mt. 5:21f
6. Sin must be repented of - put off. I John 1:9 Ps. 32:3-5 Prov. 28:13
Mt. 5:29-30 II Cor. 7:8-11
7. New life patterns must be established - put on. Eph. 4:22-28
8. Be careful not to be legalistic: commanding beyond what the Bible says.
9. Resources - The Christian Counselor's Manual, Helps forCounselors, (Adams)
8

E. Intention. Luke 9:23-24 14:25-34 Phil. 2:12-13 Pr. 14:23
1. Counseling is more than instruction. Js. 1:22 Luke 14:25f
2. The counselee is responsible to commit to obedience to God. II Co. 7:8-11
3. Motives are crucial. Rom. 14:23 Col. 3:20
What does real repentance look like? II Co. 7:8-11 Ps. 51
4. Deal with behavior, not mere feelings. The counselee must agree to obey God,
whether he feels like it or not.
5. Be prepared to meet with resistance. Mt. 21:28-30
6. Continue to offer hope: faith in Christ works. Ro. 6:1-14 II Co. 5:17 Mk. 9:22-
24 I Co. 10:13 John 15:5 Phil. 4:13
7. If a counselee refuses to commit to do God's will, you may need to end the
counseling relationship. Matt. 7:6 18:15-18 Pr. 13:15 29:1 II Th. 3:14
F. Implementation.
1. The counselee cannot expect the counselorto change him. Phil. 2:12-13
2. The counseling sessions are not ends in and of themselves.
a. Action and obedience are needed. Mark 10:17-22
b. Explain to yourcounselee how progressive sanctification works. Ro. 6:11
Eph. 4:22f Phil. 1:6
9

3. The greatest progress in counseling is made in between sessions.
a. Prepare for temptation: concrete steps: call someone, go outside, etc.
II Tim. 2:22 Pr. 22:3
b. Prepare for failures. I Jo. 1:9 Pr. 24:16 Ps. 43:5
c. Expect growth. II Co. 3:17-18
4. Concrete homework assignments should be given. Why give homework?
a. Actions and behavior. I Cor. 15:33 Pr. 13:20 Mt. 5:29-30 25:40
Eph. 4:28
b. Scripture reading and memory.
c. Christian books, pamphlets, and tapes.
d. Journals.
e. Other assignments.
5. Resource: A Homework Manual for Biblical Counseling I & II, (Mack)
G. Integration.
1. The structure of the local church should be used in maintaining accountability.
a. We do not want to become substitute psychologists (professionals).
b. Ideally, a pastor or otherchurch leadershould attend counseling.
c. Sometimes church discipline may be required. Matt. 18:15-17
d. What about confidentiality in counseling?
10

III. Conclusion.
2. You are not seeking merely a solution to one problem, but a total restructuring
of a life over the period of time.
3. New, godly habits are built over time. Eph. 4:13-14
4. The goal is that the counselee will be able to counsel himself and others. Gal. 6:6
11

TheDoctrine of Sanctification and Biblical Counseling (Romans 6)
I. Introduction.
A. Does grace promote sin? 6:1, 15
B. How does grace make you holy?
II. First, you must be in Christ.
A. Unbelievers are enslaved to sin: Not ablenot to sin... Rom. 6:17 8:7-8 3:10f
B. God is at workin believers. Phil. 1:6
III. Second, remember who you are in Christ. Rom. 6:11
A. Biblical commands are based upon who you are in Christ.
B. The key to holiness is understanding your union with Christ.
1. You are united with Christ in His death and resurrection. Rom. 6:1-10
Col. 3:1-5
2. You have been freed from sin and enslaved to righteousness. Rom. 6:15-18
II Cor. 5:17 Grace has emancipated you from sin s tyranny: able not to sin.
3. This does not mean that you will live in sinless perfection, but the power of sin
overyou has been broken.
IV. Third, act according to who you are in Christ. Rom. 6:12-13, 19b Eph, 4:22f
A. Sanctification involves effort and action.
B. Put off sin. Rom. 6:12-13a, 19b
C. Put on righteousness. Rom. 6:13b, 19c 12:1
D. Victory is assured. Rom. 6:14 Titus 2:11-14 Phil. 2:12-13
V. Do you want to be holy?
A. Unbiblical views ofsanctification will impede your spiritual growth.
1. Sanctification by mere law.
2. Sudden sanctification by formula or experience.
3. Passive sanctification.
B. Remember who you are in Christ.
C. By grace, fight your sinful flesh and use your body to serve God.
13

I. Introduction.
How Do People Change?
A. Counseling is about helping people to change.
B. The change we, as biblical counselors, seek is unique. Col. 1:28 I Tim. 1:5
C. Unbiblical approaches to change (sanctification) will impede your spiritual growth.
1. Mysticism.
2. Deliveranceministry.
3. Self-improvement formulas.
4. Moralism. Rom. 5:20 8:3 Gal. 3:3 4:9
5. Passivism.
6. The recovery movement blends severalunbiblical approaches.
D. The Bible sets forth a balanced perspective on how change takes place. Romans 6
John 15:1-11
II. Change begins by understanding and applying the gospel.
A. Some wrongfully start with the imperative - what we must do for God, which leads to
unbiblical moralism.
1. Scripture begins with the indicative, what God has done for us in Christ, as the
ground for imperatives. Ro. 1-11 Ephesians 1-3 Colossians 1-2
2. Specific New Testament exhortations are grounded in the gospel. Eph. 4:20,24,32
5:2,25ff 6:6 Rom. 15:2-3,7
3. Of coursethis implies that only Christians are able to change according to the
willof God. Romans 8:5-8 14:23 Heb. 11:6
4. What about cases in which unbelievers appear to change (i.e. lose weight, quit
smoking, no longerdrunkards)? Mt. 12:43-45 Rom. 14:23 I Co. 10:31 Heb. 11:6
5. The change we need is inward and Godward. Mark 7:14-23 Col. 2:20-23
B. We and our counselees need to comprehend that who we are in Christ isthe basis for
the changed lives we want to live. Romans 6:11 Col. 3:1ff II Pet. 1:3-4
1. Some think of the gospel exclusively for justification, but don t seeits relevance
for sanctification. Gal. 3:3
2. The gospel is just as important for your sanctification as it was for your
justification.
3. Some nouthetic counselors move too quickly to the imperative, without placing
enough emphasis on who we are in Christ and how the gospel relates to change.
4. Many counselees have a false identity in which they label themselves according to
their past sin rather than their new identity in Christ. I Cor. 6:9-11 II Co. 5:17
5. The first imperative in Romans is to consider your identity in Christ remember
who you are. Rom. 6:11 also see v. 3,6,9
C. Understanding your union with Christ is the key to your growth in holiness. Ro. 6:1ff
1. Paul anticipates an objection. Romans 6:1-2
a. If salvation is by grace, apart from works, why bother to be holy since the
more we sin the more God s grace is displayed? v. 1 5:20
b. The gospel, rightly understood, promotes holiness. 6:2bff I Th. 4:3 Titus 2:14
15

2. You can tgo on sinning because you are united to Christ. 6:2b
3. Yourold selfhas died in union with Christ. v. 2b-4a,6 Col. 2:12 Ga. 2:20
4. You died to sin in the same sense in which Jesus died to sin. v. 8-10 He. 7:27 9:12
5. You are anew person, united with Christ in His resurrection. v. 4b-5,8
6. You havebeen set free from slavery to sin to serve righteousness. v. 6-7,9b,15-
22
7. This is true of every believer.
8. Now, live in light of who you are. v. 12-13
a. The fact that you are united with Christ does not mean that it is no longer
possible for you to sin. 7:14ff Phil. 3:12
b. The point is that the power of sin over you has been broken.
c. Nor does it mean that you no longer need to pursue holiness and fight sin.
9. How does this work itself out in practical terms?
D. Other ways in which the gospel contributes to change (sanctification).
1. Weareableto bear fruit only through our union with Christ. Jo. 15:1-11 Ga.
2:20
2. Akey to change is to recognize that Christ is better than the idols which tempt
us. Isa. 55:1-2 John 4:10 7:38 6:35,48-51 Gen. 39:9b Proverbs 9:1ff
3. Comprehending God s love and grace to us motivates and enables us to show love
and grace. I John 4:19
III. We and ourcounselees are responsible to exert effort towards change.
A. Some wrongfully stop with the indicative, declaring what God has done for us in
Christ, whileneglecting the imperatives of what God calls us to do.
B. What is the use of biblical imperatives (God s law)?
1. God slaw shows us our need for Christ who alone meets God s standard and
provides the righteousness we lack. Gal. 3:24 2:16 Phil. 3:9
2. God slaw also shows us how He desires His redeemed people to live. I Th. 4:1
Eph. 5:10 John 14:15
C. Biblical examples.
1. Immediately after telling us to consider our identity in Christ, Paul exhorts us to
take action against the lusts of the flesh. Romans 6:12ff
2. Jesus tells us what we must do in order to abide in Him. John 15:1-11
a. Have His Word in ourselves. John 15:3,7
b. SeekHis glory in prayer. John 15:7
c. Obey His commandments. John 15:10 14:15 I Jo. 2:6
d. Love the brethren. John 15:12-13,17 I Jo. 2:10
3. The typical pattern in many New Testament epistles is to begin with the
indicative as the basis for the imperative. Rom. 12:1ff Eph. 4:1ff Col. 3:1ff
4. Our responsibility and God s work in us are placed side by side. Phil. 2:12-13 4:13
5. The New Testament is filled with specific exhortations to actively fight sin and to
faithfully and diligently pursue righteousness.
a. Put off sin (repent). Mt. 5:29-30 Eph. 4:17,22,25,28,29 Rom. 6:12-13a
b. Put on righteousness. Eph. 4:24,25,28b,29b Rom. 6:13b,19c 12:1ff
6. It is not enough to merely hear God s word or even to agree with it. We must do
what God commands. Mt. 7:24-27 James 1:22
D. Our motive for obedience is crucial.
16

IV. What determines when and whether change takes place?
A. We experience avariety of outcomes in our counseling.
B. Sometimes change doesn t take place in the life of a counselee because he/she is not
regenerate. John 15:2,6 Phil. 1:6 I John 2:3-4 Mt. 7:16ff
C. Personalrevivalis like corporate revival: God sees fit to sovereignly work in powerful
ways in the lives of His people at certain times. Jo. 3:8 15:5 Ps. 71:20 85:6
D. God uses various means to accomplish change.
1. His Word is a powerful agent for change. II Ti. 3:16-17 Heb. 4:12-13 Ps. 119:25
John 15:7
2. Weshould pray forGod to revive us and ourcounselees.
Ps. 119:25,37,40,88,107,149,154,156,159
3. Sometimes the Lord brings circumstances into our lives to change our course.
Ps. 119:67,71 Heb. 12:4-11 John 15:2 James 1:2ff
4. Sometimes God sends a Nathan to admonish us. Ro. 15:14 Ga. 6:1-2 II Sam. 12
V. Conclusion.
A. God wants us to change and to bear fruit for His glory. John 15:8
B. The gospel is the key to change.
1. Understand your union with Christ. Rom. 6:11
2. Abide in Christ. John 15:1ff
3. Delight in Christ. Isa. 55:1-2
C. We are responsible to exert effort to change.
17

Theology and Biblical Counseling
I. Introduction: Why do you need theology to counsel?
II. Key areas of doctrine. (Answer with Scripture references)
A. Epistemology.
1. How canweknow God struth?
2. What place does natural revelation have in Biblical Counseling?
3. Why is the Bible necessary?
B. Bibliology.
1. Explain the terms inspiration, authority, infallibility, inerrancy, and sufficiency.
2. Is there continuing revelation?
3. How does your view of Scripture affect your approach to counseling?
4. How would belief in continuing revelation affect your counseling?
C. Theology proper.
1. Explain and state the biblical basis for the doctrine of the Trinity.
2. How is each person of the Trinity involved in your counseling?
3. List ten attributes of God and explain how they relate to your counseling.
4. How does thetruth that God is Creator and Lord impact your counseling?
D. Christology.
1. Who is Jesus Christ?
2. How does Jesus endurance of temptation affect your counseling?
3. What is the nature of His work on the cross?
4. How canthe work of Jesus be applied incounseling?
E. Anthropology.
1. What is man s essential nature?
2. What does it mean to be in the image of God?
F. Hamartology.
1. Why is mankind sinful?
2. In what ways and to what extent has sin affected mankind?
3. How willthis affect your counseling?
G. Soteriology.
1. What is justification and how does the counselee s view ofjustification affect counseling?
2. What is your view of sanctification, and how does your view affect counseling?
3. How does thedoctrine of the perseverance of the saints affect your counseling?
H. Pneumatology.
1. Who is the Holy Spirit?
2. What role does the Holy Spirit play in salvation?
3. What role does the Holy Spirit play in counseling?
I. Ecclesiology.
1. What is the church?
2. What role should the church play in the counseling process?
J. Eschatology.
1. How does eschatology affect counseling?
2. How couldfaulty eschatology affect a counselee?
19

The Medicine-Only Approach to Counseling Dr. Laura Hendrickson
Biblical Vs Materialist View of Human Nature
o Biblical View
Duplex beings: inner and outer person
www.drlaurahendrickson.com
Body responds to activity of inner person with noticeable
physical changes
Body can influence thoughts, feelings, choices
o Materialist View
Is Emotional Pain a Disease?
o What Is Pain?
o Is Physical Pain a Disease?
o Why Do We Have Emotions?
o Emotional Pain Is Not Always a Sign of Heart Trouble
But it often is
o What About Brain Diseases?
Is emotional pain a brain disease?
21

The Medicine-Only Approach to Counseling Dr. Laura Hendrickson
Biblical Implications of the Disease Model
Can Medicine Help?
o Do Psychiatric Medicines Cure a Chemical Imbalance?
o Factors Complicating Biblical Counseling
Difficulty understanding biblical truth
Not saved
Suicidal/homicidal
Severe emotional overwhelm
o What Can We Expect From Medicine?
Suppress hallucinations and delusions
Decrease anxiety and depression
o A Medicine Can t
Teach biblical change
22
www.drlaurahendrickson.com

Psychotropic Drugs and Biblical Counseling Dr. Laura Hendrickson
What Medicines Are Given For Emotional Pain?
o Drugs That Improve Feelings
Drugs that induce relaxation
Medicine for serious pain
o Oxycontin, Percocet, Vicodin
www.drlaurahendrickson.com
o Often given to those who have emotional pain
Because pain and depression co-occur
Because pain feels worse when depressed
o Relaxation is a side effect of pain meds
Can lead to addiction
o Confusion is also a side effect, anxiety,
depression
Alcohol and street drugs
o Act in similar manner to pain meds
o Produce less pain relief and more relaxation
o Even more addiction danger
o Can produce confusion, anxiety, depression
Tranquilizers
o Xanax, Ativan
o Also act similarly, but withmore relaxation
o Addiction potential
o Can produce confusion, anxiety, depression
o Sleeping pills
23

Psychotropic Drugs and Biblical Counseling Dr. Laura Hendrickson
Antidepressants
Celexa,Lexapro, Zoloft, Paxil, Prozac
Change feelings, but not circumstances
o Drugs That Clear Confused Thinking
Antipsychotic medicines
Risperdal, Zyprexa, Abilify
Psychosis
Effect of antipsychotic drugs
Mood stabilizing medicines
Lithium, anti-epilepsy drugs
For psychosis with unstable emotions
www.drlaurahendrickson.com
Often used today for those with mood swings
Understanding Drug Dependence and Withdrawal
o Dependence
o Withdrawal
o How Dependence Develops
o What Happens In Withdrawal
24

Psychotropic Drugs and Biblical Counseling Dr. Laura Hendrickson
Understanding Poop-Out and Therapeutic Tail-Chasing
o Poop-Out
o Tail Chasing
o Unmasking Underlying Bipolar Disorder?
Understanding Antidepressant-Related Violence and Suicide
o Serious danger FDA black box warning
o Probably linked to side effects of:
Insomnia
Anxiety and panic attacks
Akathisia
Mania
Irritability
Paranoia and psychosis
Side Effects of Psychotropic Drugs
When Might a Psychotropic Drug Help?
25
www.drlaurahendrickson.com

Cognitive-Perceptual Disorders and Biblical Counseling Dr. Laura Hendrickson
Cognitive-Perceptual Disorders
o Cognitive ability to think clearly
o Perceptual ability to perceive correctly
o Due to physical disease of the brain
Dementia (Alzheimer s disease and others like it)
All C-P Disorders Have Features In Common With Dementia
o Prominent Features of C-P Disorders
www.drlaurahendrickson.com
Poor executive function, memory, insight, judgment, selfcontrol
due to frontal lobe involvement
o Types of C-P disorders include:
Head injury
Frontal lobe stroke
Dementia
Schizophrenia
Autism
27

Cognitive-Perceptual Disorders and Biblical Counseling Dr. Laura Hendrickson
o Other Cognitive Features
Paralysis
www.drlaurahendrickson.com
Loss of prior knowledge/abilities (or failure to acquire them)
Cerebral palsy or other movement disorders
o Perceptual Symptoms
Hallucinations and Delusions
Do People With Brain Disorders Sin?
Exploring The Sin-Sickness Connection
What C-P Symptoms Can Medicine Help?
o Medicines that slow cognitive decline
o Medicines that suppress hallucinations and delusions
28

Cognitive-Perceptual Disorders and Biblical Counseling Dr. Laura Hendrickson
Special Temptations Those With C-P Problems Face
o Denial
o Lying and covering up inability
o Anger
Accepting Help With Hallucinations And Delusions
Accepting Help With Cognitive Limitations
29
www.drlaurahendrickson.com

Part II: Common Counseling Issues

Peacemaking. Romans 12:18
I. Introduction and review: God tells you how to make peace.
II. You cannot completely avoid conflict. v. 18a
A. Allconflict is the result of sin: Man/God. Man/Man. 5:10 Gen. 3:10,12 Js. 4:1-2
B. Peace is sometimes out of your reach.
1. You cannot make peace at the expense of truth and righteousness. 16:17-18 Mt. 10:34-38
18:15f Jer. 8:11 Acts 20:28 Pr. 23:23 Jude 3 I Co. 5:6-7 15:33 Titus 3:9-11 II Jo. 1:9-11
Lu. 12:15f Ga. 1:9 2:11f Heb. 2:14 Col. 2:15
2. There are some people with whom it is impossible to make peace. I Co. 7:15
3. God does not hold you responsible for the sinful failures of others.
C. Conflict is very dangerous (The Slippery Slope, from The Peacemaker). Don t make things
worse through unbiblical methods of handling conflict.
1. Some fight: revenge, verbal attacks, gossip, slander, assault, murder, lawsuits. 12:17-21
Mt. 5:21-22 Pr. 11:9 29:22 12:18 14:17 18:8 16:28 11:13 I Co. 6:1-8
2. Others flee: denial, escape, suicide. Eph. 4:26b I Sam. 2:22-25 Heb. 12:15
D. Conflict brings opportunity: to glorify God, to be more like Christ, to serve others, and to
bearwitness to a watching world. Ro. 8:28-29 12:14,20 I Co. 10:31
III. Do allthat is within your power to pursue peace. Mt. 5:9 Heb. 12:14
A. Don t stir up strife. 16:17 Pr. 6:19 26:21 18:21 10:19 Ti. 3:10 Eph. 4:29 Js. 1:19 3:1f
B. Overlook minor offenses. 14:19 I Pe. 4:8 Pr. 10:12 17:14 19:11 29:11,20,22 25:28 15:18 14:19
Mt. 5:39-40 I Co. 6:7 Phil. 2:5f Mt. 5:39-40 I Co. 6:7
C. Confess your sins: Get the log out of your eye. Mt. 7:1-5 5:23-24 Pr. 28:13
1. You must deal with your own sin before you can help others to overcome theirs.
2. Face up to the root of sin in your own heart. James 4:1-2 Pr. 2:24 Mt. 15:18
3. Seek forgiveness forwhateverfault you may have (even if it is only 10%).
4. Seek forgiveness biblically. (7 As from The Peacemaker) Mt. 5:23-24 II Co. 7:10-11
Address everyone involved, Avoid if, but, maybe, Admit specifically, Acknowledge the
hurt, Accept the consequences, Alter your behavior, Ask for forgiveness.
D. Be ready to forgive others as God has forgiven you. Ps. 86:5 Eph. 4:32 Col. 3:12-14
1. Forgiveness is not optional for forgiven people. Mt. 6:12 Mt. 18:21-35 Jer. 31:34
2. Make the promises of forgiveness (from The Peacemaker). Mt. 6:12 I Co. 13:5
a. I will not think about this incident.
b. I will not bring this incident up and use it against you.
c. I will not talk to others about this incident.
d. I will not allow this incident to stand between us.
E. Use the PAUSE principle in negotiating/peacemaking (from The Peacemaker).
1. Prepare for peacemaking. I Co. 4:13
2. Affirm relationships. I Co. 13:7
3. Understand the interests of others: listen! Phil. 2:3-4 Js. 1:19 I Pe. 3:7 Pr. 20:5
4. Search for creative solutions. Daniel 1 Ecc. 9:16
5. Evaluate optionsobjectively and reasonably.
31

IV. Promote peace by confronting sin biblically.
A. Love sometimesrequires you to go and show your brother his fault. 15:14 Lev. 19:17
Which sins must you confront?
1. Notorious sins which could damage the Lord s reputation. ICo. 5:1,11
2. Sins which endanger the purity and unity of the church. 16:16-17 I Co. 5:6-7 15:33
3. Sins which could ruin the offender. Js. 5:19-20 Gal. 6:1
4. Sins which could affect your relationship with this person. Mt. 18:15 Eph. 4:26-27
B. First, practice personalpeacemaking. Matthew 18:15 5:23-24
1. Go to the individual first before involving others.
2. Go gently, lovingly, and humbly for the purpose of restoration. Gal. 6:1-2
3. If he repents, rejoice and forgive. Mt. 18:21-22 Js. 5:19-20 Pr. 11:30
C. Then, if necessary seek help in making peace (assisted peacemaking). Matt. 18:16
1. Others can bear witness and join in admonishing the sinner to repent. Dt. 19:15
2. If you can t resolve a conflict on your own, seek godly counsel to help you.
3. Sometimes mediation or binding arbitration may be appropriate. I Co. 6:5
D. Finally, if necessary, take it to the church. Mt. 18:17a
1. The leaders of the church will determine the validity of the charges and the means of
dealing with the matter publicly.
2. The othermembers join in to plead with the sinner to repent. II Th. 3:14-15
E. If he refuses to listen to the church, he is to be put out of the assembly. Mt. 18:17b-20
I Co. 5:4-5,13b I Ti. 1:19-20 Ps. 1:6
1. He is to be regarded as an unbeliever and an outsider. Mt. 18:17b
2. Church discipline takes place with the authority of the Lord. Mt. 18:18-20
3. What is the purpose of church discipline? ICo. 5:5-7 15:33 Dt. 13:11 II Co. 2:6-8
V. Questions.
A. Does this approach to confronting sin violate confidentiality or one s right to privacy?
I Tim. 1:19-20 Pr. 29:25 Eph. 5:11
B. Do these peacemaking techniques ever fail? Prov. 3:5-6
C. How can these principles be applied with unbelievers?
D. Is there ever a time when it is appropriate for Christians to go to court?
VI. Conclusion: Before you can make peace with men, you must have peace with God. 5:1,10 8:6
Isa. 9:6 57:21 Lu. 1:79 2:14 19:38 Eph. 2:17,14 Jo. 17:20-21 II Co. 5:18-20
32

I. Introduction and review.
Forgiving Others. Genesis 45
II. Joseph is reconciled to his brothers. 45:1-28
A. Joseph reveals his true identity. v. 1-3 Acts 7:13
B. Joseph comforts his brothers. v. 3b
1. What must the brothers have been thinking and feeling? v. 3b 50:15
2. Joseph makes every effort to reassure his brothers. v. 4
3. Joseph acknowledges God s hand in all that has happened. v. 5-8 50:20
4. He even encourages them to forgive themselves for what they had done. v. 5
5. God splan all along has been for the house of Israelto go to Egypt for four
hundred years to become a nation there. 15:13-14
6. Joseph offers to generously provide for his family in Egypt. v. 9-11,13
Ruth 4:15
7. Joseph showers loving affection upon his brothers. v. 12,14-15
C. Pharaoh expands upon Joseph s generosity. v. 16-20 Pr. 21:1
D. Joseph sends his brothers back to retrieve Jacob and all their clan. v. 21-24
1. His gifts will verify the brothers report to Jacob. v. 21-23,27b
2. Why does he warn them not to quarrel? v. 24 42:22 Mt. 5:9
E. Jacob receives the amazing news and is revived. v. 25-28 43:14
III. Forgive one another as Joseph forgave his brothersand as God has forgiven you.
Eph. 4:32 Mt. 6:12,14-15 Ps. 103:10-12
A. Forget the offense. Jer. 31:34
1. In what sense does God forget our sins? 41:51 Jer. 31:34 Ps. 103:10-12 Ro. 5
2. Forgiveness involves treating the offender as if the offense had never occurred.
3. Forgiveness includes not bringing it up against them, nor talking about it with
others, noreven thinking about it. 41:51 Jer. 31:34 I Co. 13:5
B. Show love to the offender. 45:10-13 II Co. 2:7-8
1. Never take revenge. 50:18-19 Rom. 12:17-21
2. Take initiative in restoring the relationship.
3. Comfort them in their guilt, fear and grief. 45:3-5 Num. 21:8-9
4. Openly express your affection to them. 45:14-15
5. Rather than expecting them to try to make it up to you, minister to their needs.
C. What if you don t want to forgive? Mt. 6:14-15 Eph. 4:32 I Co. 10:13 Phil. 4:13
1. Forgiveness is not optional. The Bible commands us to forgive.
2. Sometimes it is very hard to forgive. Forgiveness is granted, not necessarily
felt.
3. Those who don t forgive suffer the consequences. Heb. 12:15 I Pe. 3:7
4. God will equip and enable you to forgive and minister grace to those who hurt
you.
33

D. Trust God, recognizing His sovereign hand is at work when others sin against you.
45:5-8 50:19-2142:36 Rom. 8:28 11:33 II Cor. 12:7-9 Js. 1:2f Prov. 16:1-4 19:21
1. God is able to use human sin to bring about His good plan. Acts 2:23 Ro. 8:28
2. This does not excuse their sin. Sometimes God punishes those He uses. Is. 10:4f
3. When you are hurt by someone, thank God for the good He is accomplishing.
E. Remember how God has first freely forgiven you. Eph. 4:32 Mt. 6:12,14-15 18:21f
Titus 3:5-7 Col. 3:12-13 Luke 7:40f
F. What should you do if your brother is not repentant? Mt. 18:15f Gal. 6:1f
1. There is a sense in which forgiveness and reconciliation cannot fully take place
if the other party is not repentant.
2. If the other person says they are repentant, assume the best. Mt. 18:21-22
3. You may need to graciously confront the one who has wronged you. Mt. 18
4. Sometimes it is impossible to bring about reconciliation. Mt. 18:17-18
Rom. 12:18
5. You neverhave license to be bitter. Always be ready to forgive.
IV. How does this passage point to Christ?
A. God predetermined that Jesus, like Joseph, must suffer that he might save His people.
John 18:11 Acts 2:23 4:28 13:27
1. God splan of salvation requires sacrifice. Acts7:9-10 John 3:14
2. God determined beforehand that He would suffer through wicked hands and so
save the world. Acts 2:23 4:28 Isa. 53:10
3. The Father s beloved Son is sent to His wicked brethren who reject him.
4. Jesus, like Joseph, accepted the Father s will concerning His suffering. Jo. 18:11
5. He has accomplished a great deliverance, bringing reconciliation. 45:7
6. One day those who rejected Him will bow and weep. Zec.. 12:10 Jo. 19:37
Ro. 11 Phil. 2:9-11 Re. 1:7 20:11-15
B. Joseph s forgiveness of his brothers beautifully portrays Christ s forgiveness of us.
1. He does not count our sins against us.
2. He receives and embraces us. Luke 15:20
3. He not only forgives us, but enriches us. II Co. 8:9 II Pe. 1:2-3 Ro. 8:32
II Co. 8:9
4. He invites us to draw nearunto Him. 45:4 Mt. 11:28-30
5. He gladly receives all who humble themselves before Him. Js. 4:6 I Pe. 5:5
C. Other parallels.
1. Like Joseph, Jesus knew His brothers before they knew Him. Is. 1:3
John 1:10-11
2. God sSon finds refuge in Egypt. Mt. 2:15 Hos. 11:1 Ex. 4:22
3. As Joseph s family gained favor in Pharaoh s eyes because of his relationship to
Joseph, we find favor in God s eyes because of Christ. Phil. 3:9
4. Like Jacob, who thought the news about Joseph was too good to be true, some
doubt the gospel of grace because it seems too good to be true.
V. Concluding applications.
34

Church Discipline: I Cor. 5:1-13 Mt. 18:15-20
I. Introduction.
A. Why ischurch discipline important? ICor. 5 Acts 20:28 Rev. 2:14-15,20
B. Why don t many churches practice discipline?
C. To what two extremes do churches go in the practice of church discipline?
III Jn. 9-10
D. When is the best time to teach your church about church discipline?
1. I recommend the Peacemakers materials.
E. You learn much through experience.
II. Stage 1: Go to your brother privately. Matthew 18:15
A. Some suggest a step 0: self discipline: Mt. 18:8-9 I Cor. 10:12 Gal. 5:23
B. Which sins must be confronted?
1. Minor offenses should be overlooked. I Peter 4:8 Pr. 10:12 19:11
2. Sins which endanger the moral purity and reputation of Christ s church.
I Cor. 5:1,5-6,11 15:33
3. Errors which endanger the doctrinalpurity of the church. I John 2:22-23 4:1
II John 1:9-11
4. Notorious sins which could damage the reputation of the Lord.
5. Sins which endanger the doctrinal and moral purity of the church.
I Cor. 5:6b-7 15:33 II Jn. 9-11
6. Divisiveness which endangers the unity of the church. Ro. 16:17-18 I Co. 3:3
Titus 3:9-11 Heb. 13:17 III John 9
7. Sins which could ruin your brother. Js. 5:19-20
8. Sins which threaten your relationship with the other person. Mt. 18
C. What should you do before you go?
1. Make sure that there are no beams in your eye. Mt. 7:5
2. Be certain that you have a clear-cut case.
3. Behavior is easier to prove than motives and attitudes.
4. Strive to assume the best. I Cor. 13:7
5. Test your motives.
D. Do not first go to others: gossip. Lev. 19:16
1. This principle applies in every sphere. (Family, workplace, etc.)
2. What should you do if someone improperly tells you the sin of another?
E. Why should you confront him?
1. Love demands that you confront him. Lev. 19:17 Pr. 27:6 3:5-6 17:5-6
2. What excuses do people make in orderto avoid confrontation? Ro. 15:14
Pr. 27:6
F. In what manner should you confront him? Gal. 6:1-2
1. Go gently, carefully, and lovingly.
2. Your purpose is to restore. Gal. 6:1-2.
35

G. What should you do if he repents? Mt. 18:15b 21-22 Js. 5:19-20 Pr. 11:30
Eph. 4:32
1. If he repents, rejoice and forgive. Eph. 4:32
2. Repentance may involve restitution and seeking the forgiveness of other
parties.
H. Other questions:
1. Do those who are under authority (i.e. a wife or a child) have the right to
confront those over them (i.e. a husband or a parent)?
2. How can you know someone isreally repentant? II Cor. 7:10-11
3. If you doubt his repentance, can you move on to stage 2?
4. If he professes repentance, but keeps sinning, can you move on to stage 2?
Mt. 18:21-22
5. Are there cases in which a man may repent, but the church will still need to
be told? I Tim. 5:20
6. What level of confidentiality should you offer in counseling?
7. How long should you wait before moving to stage 2?
III. Stage 2: If he will not listen to you, take two or three witnesses. Mt. 18:16 Dt. 19:15
A. What is the function of the two or three?
They come to bear witness against his sin and to admonish him to repent.
B. Whom should you bring? Gal. 6:1
C. Are there cases in which those you bring may not agree that he is guilty?
1. You may lack decisive evidence.
2. They may not agree the matter is a sin issue.
D. Are there sins which may warrant admonition, but don t require going to stage 3?
Can every sin potentially lead to public discipline?
E. What should be done in disputes in which counter-chargesare being made?
1. Jesus is addressing clear-cut cases of sin in Matthew 18.
2. Disputes among brothers require application of additional scriptural
principles. I Co. 6:1-8 Phil. 4:2-3 Pr. 18:17
F. What should you do if the erring brother repents?
G. Other questions.
1. What should you tell a witness when asking him to serve?
2. What if the accused party refuses to meet with the witness(es)?
IV. Stage 3: If he still refuses to repent, tell it to the church. Mt. 18:17a
A. Who tells the church? The leaders of the church must be involved in determining
the validity of the charges and the means of dealing with the matter publicly.
B. How should the situation be communicated to the church?
C. How much should the church be told?
The presentation to the congregation must be open and above-board.
36

D. Is this a violation of the sinner s right to privacy? I Cor. 1:20 Eph. 5:11
E. What should the members of the church do when they hear the charges against
their brother? The other members join in to pressure the sinner to repent.
II Th. 3:14
F. If the sinnerrepents, he is to be forgiven and restored.
G. Other questions.
1. What if someone has charges against the leaders of the church?
2. Can a person resign his membership in the church to avoid discipline?
V. Finally the sinner is to be removed from the church. Mt. 18:17b-20 I Cor. 5:3f
A. What is the purpose of removing someone from the church?
1. To protect the church from impurity (leaven). I Cor. 5:6-7 15:33 Dt. 13:11
2. To bring about restoration of the fallen brother. v. 20b I Cor. 5:5
II Cor. 2:6-8
Gal. 6:1-2 Js. 5:19-20
3. For the sake of the reputation of Christ.
B. What is the status of one who has been put out of the church? Mt. 18:17-20
I Jo. 2:19
1. He is to be regarded as an unbeliever and an outsider. Mt. 18:17
2. Church discipline takes place under the Lord s authority. Mt. 18:18-20
3. Does this mean he actually is an unbeliever?
C. Once someone is excommunicated, can Christians take him to court? I Co. 6:1ff
7:12
D. How should the people in the church act towards him? I Cor. 5:9-13 II Th. 3:6,14
E. Should he be allowed to attend worship services or other meetings of the church?
I Cor 5:13 Deut. 17:7 19:19 21:21 22:24
F. What are the usual responses of people under discipline?
1. People who deserve discipline often try to get themselves off on technicalities.
2. People who are under discipline often put their accusers on trial.
G. Questions:
1. What does it mean to be delivered to Satan for the destruction of the flesh?
I Cor. 5:5 I Tim. 1:19-20
2. How should discipline be handled if the person agrees that he is not a
Christian?
I Cor. 5:10
3. Who decides the person should be excommunicated?
Is there to be a congregational vote?
4. Is there a court of appeals beyond the local church level?
5. Must family members cease socializing with other family members who have
been disciplined?
6. How should we deal with members who do not attend?
37

7. What is the status of someone who is removed from membership for
non-attendance?
8. What is the difference when someone simply resigns his membership?
9. Do we have any duty/right to discipline professing Christians who regularly
attend our churches, but are not members? I Cor. 5:11
10. Are there levels of church discipline which fall short of removal?
II Th. 3:14-15
11. Why isit important to keep written records of church discipline cases?
VI. Restoration after excommunication.
A. Are there cases of restoration after someone has been removed from the church?
1. Even after excommunication the hope of repentance and restoration
remains.
2. Church discipline works! II Cor. 2:6-8
B. How quickly can a person be restored?
C. How can you know his repentance is genuine? II Cor. 7:8-11
D. How should a restored person be treated? Forgiven, loved, and helped.
E. Is it legitimate to place some restrictions upon a brother who has been restored?
F. How should restoration be communicated to the church?
VII. Other considerations.
A. Are there situations in which sin should be dealt with publicly without having to go
through all of the steps in Matthew 18:15-20? . I Cor. 5:9-11 6:9-10 I Tim. 5:19-20
Gal. 2:11ff II John 10 Titus 3:9-11 Rom. 16:17-18 Heb. 13:17 III John 9-10
There are some sins of such a public and heinous nature that do not require all of
the above steps. I Cor 5:1
B. How should churches work togetherin the area of church discipline?
1. Churches should respect one another s discipline. Prov. 18:15,17
2. Churches should work together when disputes arise among theirmembers.
3. How can you find out if a person is under discipline from another church?
4. What should you do to be sure yourex-member doesn t join another church?
5. How should you handle a situation in which someone who was disciplined by
another church beginsattending your church?
6. Are there cases in which a church might rightly receive someone who was
under discipline from another local church? III John 10-11
7. How should churches which refuse to cooperate in these matters be
regarded?
C. Church discipline requires a biblical church structure.
1. What is the role of the elders in church discipline? Acts 20:28
2. Why is it important for churches to have a defined membership?
38

D. Aproblem of our day: many refuse to commit themselves to a church.
1. Why do many refuse to commit to membership?
2. Why isformal membership in a local church necessary? See Why Should I
Join aChurch, by Jim Elliff and Darly Wingerd; and Life in the Father s
House, by Wayne Mack and David Swavely.
a. While the word membership is not used in the Bible in this sense, the
concept is biblical (like the word Trinity ).
b. Every Christian is to be a committed part of a local body.
c. Those converted in the book of Acts were added to particular local
churches. Acts 2:41,47
d. Unlike the early church, we have multiple local churches in one
geographical area; therefore, we need to define to which congregation
one is committed.
e. Every believer is to be under the oversight and discipline of particular
elders who need to know for which sheep they are accountable. He.
13:17 I Pet. 5:2-3 I Th. 5:12-13
f. You are to love a local body of believers and use your gifts to benefit
it. Jo. 13:34
g. If you are not committed and accountable, your opportunity to use
your gifts will be significantly diminished.
h. Membership causes the visible church to better reflect the invisible
and clarifies the difference between believers and unbelievers.
i. If a person can be put out of the church through discipline, there
must be a means by which he came to be in the local church. Mt.
18:15f I Cor. 5
j. Recognition of membership helps local churches to work together.
k. Those who desire the benefits of church membership without taking
on the responsibilities want to live together without making the
commitment of marriage.
3. How should we view those who refuse to join the church?
4. Can a non-member be disciplined? I Cor. 5:11
5. What are the responsibilities of church members?
a. Regular attendance. Heb. 10:24-25
b. Involvement in ministry through service, love and giving. I Co. 12:7 I
Pe. 4:10f
c. Submission to the leaders of the church. Heb. 13:17 I Th. 5:12
d. Is church membership lifelong?
6. What are the privileges of church membership?
a. Communion.
b. Service.
c. Receiving ministry from the church. Gal. 6:10
d. Pastoral oversight. I Th. 5:12 Heb 13:17
7. What are the conditions of church membership?
a. Profession of faith.
b. Willingness to love and serve the brethren.
c. Willingness to submit to the leadership of the church.
39

E. Questions:
1. What is the status of a professing Christian who is the member of no church?
2. What are the risks of being a member of no church?
3. What should be done with professing Christians who refuse to join a church?
4. How long should we wait before receiving a person into church membership?
5. On what grounds may we legitimately refuse church membership to a
believer?
VIII. Conclusion.
A. Preserve the unity and purity of the church through following biblical principles for
church discipline. I Tim. 3:15 Mt. 16:18. Rev. 2:5
B. Recommended reading: Jay Adams, Handbook of Church Discipline
40

Confess Your Sins: I John 1:8-10
I. Introduction and review.
A. John writes that you may enjoy fellowship with God. 1:3,5
B. John refutes three big lies of those who reject the Apostolic witness. 1:6-2:2
1. They lie by claiming fellowship with God, while walking in the darkness. 1:6-7
2. They deceive themselves by claiming to have no sin (nature). 1:8-9
3. They call God a liar by claiming not to have sinned. 1:10-2:2
C. The doctrine of sin is still under attack.
II. Don t deny your sin! 1:8,10
A. What is sin?
1. God made mankind perfect, but we rebelled. Gen. 3 Rom. 5:12 Ecc. 7:29
2. Sin is a violation of God s law. 3:4 Ex. 20:1f Mt. 22:36-40
3. Sin is rejecting God s way and going your own way. Isa. 53:6
4. You can be guilty of sin by commission or omission. 3:17 Js. 4:17 2:15f 1:27
5. It is possible to sin without fully realizing it. Ps. 90:8
B. What isthe difference between the false boasts in verses 8 and 10?
1. In verse 8 there is a denial of a sin nature.
2. In verse 10 they deny that they have committed acts of sin.
C. Who could possibly say he has no sin?
1. The gnostics of John s day believed that their spiritual enlightenment exempted
them from sin.
2. Some professing Christians claim to have reached a state of spiritual perfection.
I Kings 8:46 Phil. 3:12-14 Rom. 7:25 Pr. 20:9
3. Most people presume they are basically good.
4. Many think their good deeds offset their bad deeds. Luke 18:11-12 Isa. 64:6
5. We blame our bad acts on others. Rom. 2:15
6. Do some blame God for their sin? Js. 1:13 I Co. 10:13
7. Most people minimize their sins.
8. Some will admit they are sinful, but will not confess to particular sins. 1:10
9. Some reject the very concept of sin. Isa. 5:20
D. When you deny yoursinfulness: v. 8b
1. You delude yourself. Dt. 13:6
2. You prove that you do not possess the truth. 2:4 John 8:44
E. When you boast that you have not sinned: v. 10b
1. You callGod a liar. 5:10 Ro. 3:4,10f,23 Isa. 53:6 Pr. 20:9 I Kings 8:46
Ps. 14:3
2. His Word has no place in your life. John 17:17,20 4:50 8:51-52
F. How should you approach a person who denies his sinfulness?
1. Deep down you know about God and His righteous law. Rom. 1:18-20,32
2. You need to understand the heart meaning of God s law. Mt. 5:21f 22:36f
Ex. 20
41

III. Confessyour sins and God will forgive you. 1:9
A. What kind of confession does God seek? 2:23
1. Agree with God that you are a sinner. Ps. 32:3-5 Pr. 28:13
2. Accept full responsibility for your sins.
3. Come with a heart of repentance.
4. Confess your particularsins to Him.
5. Is John speaking of the initial confession of sin at conversion, or ongoing
confession in the life of a believer? 2:1,12 Ps. 32:5 51:1f 139:23-24 Mt. 6:11
6. Is John speaking of confession to men or to God? Ps. 51:4 ITim. 2:5
B. Hope in the character of God! Ex. 34:6-7 Micah 7:18-20
1. He is faithful to His Word. 1:9 Deut. 32:4 Jer. 31:34 Isa. 1:18 Ps. 103:8-14
89:1-4 I Cor. 1:9 II Ti. 2:13 He. 10:23
2. He is just. 1:7 2:2,29 Rom. 3:23-26 Isa. 51:5 53:4-6,11
C. His promises are great.
1. He will forgive you. Lu. 15:20-24 Ps. 103:12
2. He will cleanse you. 1:7 Ti. 2:14 Heb. 9:23 Isa. 1:18 Ps. 51:1-2 Eph. 5:27
Co. 1:22
3. What a blessing it is to finally stop hiding and to be right with God! Ps. 32:1
4. Without confession there is no forgiveness or cleansing.
D. Apply these principles in relation to one another. Eph. 4:32 Mt. 18:21f 5:23-24
1. If you have wronged your brother, seek his forgiveness. Mt. 5:23-24
2. Forgive as you have been forgiven. Eph. 4:32 Mt. 18:21f
IV. Concluding applications.
A. Confess your sins.
B. Look to Jesus Whose blood cleanses repentant sinners. 1:7
Discussion questions.
1. What is sin?
2. Why don t people want to admit they are sinners?
3. What kinds of excuses do people use to avoid being charged with sin?
4. What are the consequences of denying one s sin(s)?
5. How does one s denial of sin make God a liar?
6. How would you try to prove to someone that he/she is a sinner?
7. What kind of confession does God seek?
8. How would you answer someone who says you only have to ask God for forgiveness once, at
conversion, and that Christians need make no more confession?
9. How does God s character(faithfulness and justice) give comfort to sinners?
10. How can God justly forgive sin?
42

Anger
I. Understanding anger.
A. Anger is not necessarily sinful.
1. God gets angry. Ex. 4:14 Num. 25:4 Ps. 7:11
2. Jesus was angry. Mark 3:5 John 2:13ff
3. Righteous anger, which arises solely from a passion for God, is rare! Eph. 4:26f
4. Usually we are angry for selfish reasons: pride, hurt feelings, etc.
5. Then we express anger in sinful ways.
B. All anger seems righteous.
1. People get angry because they believe they have been treated unjustly. Js. 1:20
2. They desire revenge to make things even. Rom. 12:17-21
3. Some justify anger saying they can t help themselves.
4. Some become angry with God. Job 2:9 Rom. 9:20
C. Anger is a heart issue. Mark 7:21 Mt. 12:34
D. Anger has a physical component. Gen. 4:5 Ps. 4:4
E. Anger is dangerous and destructive. Eph. 4:26-27 Ecc. 7:9
1. It is murderous by nature. Mt. 5:21f Gen. 4:6-7
2. Those who give into anger are at risk of being out of control. Pr. 25:28
F. There are many sinful ways people deal with anger. Pr. 29:22
1. Ventilation. Pr. 12:18 29:11 25:29 Eph. 4:29,31
2. Displacement.
3. Internalizing. Lev. 19:17-18
4. Denial.
G. Anger must be dealt with biblically.
1. Sinful anger must be put off. Eph. 4:26-27 Pr. 22:24
2. Learn self control. Js. 1:19 Titus 1:7 Pr. 14:29 16:32
3. Put out the fires of anger by remembering how God s anger against you was turned away by Christ.
Eph. 4:32 Mt. 18:22-35 Pr. 19:11
4. Trust that God will judge the wicked in due time. Ro. 12:19 Gen. 50:19
5. Do good to your enemy, as God has done good to you. Ro. 12:20 Mt. 5:43ff
6. Build others up rather than tearing them down. Eph. 4:29 Pr. 15:1
43

II. Exposition of key texts.
A. Matthew 5:21-26
B. James 1:19-20
C. James 4:1-2
D. Romans 12:17-21
E. Matthew 18:21-35
III. Data gathering/interpretation.
A. What does this person want so badly that he is willing to kill to get it? Js. 4:1ff
B. What does this person believe which in the moment makes him feel just in becoming angry and
expressing his anger?
C. Is physical abuse taking place? Is anyone in danger?
IV. Homework for those who give in to anger.
A. Confess unrighteous anger as murder. Mt. 5:21-26
B. Humble yourself. Abandon your rights . Phil. 2:3ff
C. Make a plan for dealing with anger. Pr. 27:12
D. Keep an anger journal (see p. 173).
E. Meditate upon and memorize key texts (listed above).
F. Reading.
1. What to Do When Anger Gets the Upper Hand ,Jay Adams (pamphlet)
2. Anger: Escaping the Maze, David Powlison (booklet: CCEF/RFCL)
3. Angry at God: Bring Him Your Doubts and Questions, Robert D. Jones (booklet:
CCEF/RFCL)
4. War of Words, Paul Tripp
5. Uprooting Anger, Robert D. Jones Anger and Stress Management God s Way, Wayne Mack
6. The Heart of Anger, Lou Priolo (primarily for angry kids)
G. Audio
1. War of Words , Paul Tripp
2. Helping Angry Kids , Lou Priolo
3. Counseling Angry People , Wayne Mack
4. Who is a Murderer? Matt. 5:21-26", Jim Newheiser
5. Love Your Enemies. Romans 12:17-21", Jim Newheiser
H. Workbook: Homework Manual for Biblical Living: Volume 1, Mack, Anger Homework
44

Who is a Murderer? Matt. 5:21-26
I. Introduction and review: Jesus lays down the Law. v. 21-48
A. Jesus corrects the abuses of the Law by the scribes and Pharisees. v. 20, 43
B. Jesus speaks with authority. 7:28-29
1. His authority surpasses that of the teachers of the Jews. Mark 1:22
2. He proclaims the true meaning of the Law of Moses.
3. His authority and teaching surpass that of Moses. John 1:17
a. Jesus is the authoritative expounder of God's will for God'speople.
b. Is the Mosaic Law the supreme declaration of God'smoral law?
C. He expands our understanding of the Law of God. (Lloyd-Jones)
1. The Law goes beyond the letter and also includes the Spirit.
2. The Law goes beyond actions and includes the heart. 15:19 I Sam. 16:7
Lk. 16:15
3. The Law is not merely negative, preventing sin; but is also positive,
commanding virtues that promote righteousness.
4. The Law is not an end of itself but a means to know and glorify God.
5. The Law is not oppressive and constraining, but it is a blessing, bringing
freedom to God's people. I Jn 5:3 Ps. 19:7-14 119:70-72
II. Are you a murderer?
A. Murdergoes beyond the act. v. 21
1. The Pharisees were right to condemn the deed of murder. Gen. 9:6
a. Not all killing is murder, but only the unjust taking of human life.
Gen. 4:8
b. The death penalty is imposed because murderers have attacked the
image of God.
2. The Jews erred by limiting the sixth commandment to one outward act and its
civil penalty.
B. You can commit murder without shedding blood. v. 22 John 8:44
1. Mental murder: anger and hatred. I Jn. 3:15 Js. 4:2 Pr. 14:17 22:24 Ecc. 7:9
2. Verbal murder. 12:34 Lev. 20:9 Js. 3:1-12
3. Other kinds of murder.
a. Physical harm.
b. Economic or legal oppression. James 5:6 2:13
c. Racial prejudice.
d. Even a look can kill.
C. Such hate crimes deserve God's justice.
1. Jesus is not saying that the state isauthorized to punish words and thoughts.
2. God, who knows the heart, will bring justice: everlasting wrath. 12:36
Js. 2:13
3. Jesus believes in hell!
45

III. Repent of your murderous anger.
A. Don't make excuses.
1. My anger is righteous anger (like Jesus). Eph. 4:26
a. Jesus in His office as Messiah expresses God's holy judicial hatred of sin.
Mat t. 21:12f 23:17 Jn. 2:14-17 Ps. 7:11 97:10 Mark 3:5
b. Righteous angeris a zeal for God's honor, not self interest.
c. The best sin to be angry with is your own. Js. 4:1ff
d. Jesus patiently suffered wrongs against Himself. I Pet. 2:23 Lk. 23:34
2. I was provoked. I couldn't help myself!
a. You are still responsible for your thoughts, words, and deeds.
b. Circumstances simply reveal what is already in the heart.
c. God will not tempt you beyond what you are able. I Cor. 10:13
3. That's just the way I am. I have a short fuse.
4. I was simply exercising my authority. Authority does not give license to verbal
orphysical abuse. (Government, family, church, work)
5. I'm just being honest about my thoughts and feelings.
a. Some feelings are sinful: hatred.
b. Some thoughts best remain unspoken and repented of.
6. I'm not angry. I'm hurt, bothered, upset, offended, annoyed, irritated, resentful,
disturbed, frustrated, and ticked off. Heb. 3:13
B. In Christ, you can conquer sinful anger. II Cor. 5:17 Phil. 4:13 Co. 3:8 Js. 1:19-20
Ps. 37:8 Pr. 15:18 16:32 25:28
1. Recognize that you are dealing with dangerous sin. Eph. 4:26-27 Js. 3:1ff
2. Don't seek revenge. Rom. 12:17-21 Gen. 50:19
3. Don't vent your emotions. Gal. 5:23
4. Don't just hold it all in. Eph. 4:26
5. But entrust your situation to God. 6:12 18:21ff I Pet. 2:23-24 Eph. 4:26-27,32
IV. Seek harmoniousrelationships with youradversaries. v. 23-26
A. Jesus pronounces the positive claim of the sixth commandment.
B. Personalreconciliation must take place before you can worship. v. 23-24
1. Jesus' example of sacrifice illustrates how the Old Covenant truths can be
applied under the New Covenant. Heb. 13:10,15-16 II Cor. 6:16 Eph. 2:21
2. Some try to use religious ritual to coverup their sins. I Sam. 15:15
3. God will not accept such sham worship. I Sam. 15:22 I John 4:20 Isa. 1:15 58:4
Jer. 7:8-11 Amos 5:21-24 Mic. 6:6-8 Ps. 24:3-4 66:18
4. Postpone sacrifice, rather than postponing reconciliation. I Pet. 3:7 I Cor.
13:3
5. In which cases must I do this?
a. What if it is not a major issue? I Pet. 4:8
b. What if I am not at fault? Prov. 16:2
c. What if he will not reconcile? Rom. 12:18
6. Are you ready to worship today? Will you be tonight? I Cor. 11:27-29
C. Dealwith your wrongs against others as quickly as possible. v. 25-26
1. Confess your fault.
2. Where appropriate, make restitution. Luke 19:8
3. Act before it is too late. Eph. 4:26 Heb. 12:14-15
46

V. Concluding applications.
A. You are amurderer under a sentence of condemnation. v. 22 Rev. 22:15 Rom. 6:23
B. You are, by nature, God's enemy.
C. God offers a way of reconciliation. Rom. 5:8-11
D. The time for reconciliation is now! II Cor. 5:20
47

Counseling in Cases of Abuse
I. Introduction: Defining abuse.
A. Adictionary definition. Abuse is an improper treatment towards another when one abuses his
natural powers, privileges, or advantages.
B. Government definitions of abuse.
1. Government categories of child abuse. (San Diego Sheriff s Guide to Abuse)
a. Physical abuse. Physical abuse is defined as behavior that results in the non-accidental
injury of a child.
b. Physical neglect. Neglect is the failure to provide the basic necessities of life to the extent
that a child s well-being is endangered.
c. Sexual abuse and exploitation. Sexual abuse is any use of a child by an adult for the
purpose of providing sexual gratification to the adult or the child.
d. Emotional abuse.
2. Spouse abuse.
a. Physical assault
b. Threats.
c. Emotional abuse.
3. Problems with secular definitions of abuse.
C. ABiblical understanding of abuse. Mt. 5:21f 18:6 Js. 4:1-2 Pr. 15:32-33 16:32 25:28
D. Understand the difference between child abuse and legitimate discipline.
1. The Bible authorizes disciplinary spanking: inflicting physical pain as part of training.
Prov. 22:15 13:24 23:13-14 29:15
2. The Bible does not authorize personal revenge, including a parent to a child. Rom. 12:19
3. Parental discipline is to be loving correction on God s behalf.
4. When an angry parent takes revenge on a child:
a. He is guilty of serious sin. Mt. 5:21f
b. He is likely going to provoke the child to anger. Col. 3:21
c. He is in danger of becoming guilty of a crime punishable by the government.
E. The Bible never authorizesthe use of force against a spouse.
F. When should abuse be reported?
1. Some cases of abuse are crimes and must immediately be reported to the authorities.
2. Some counselors and pastors are mandated reporters of child abuse. Ro. 13:1-7
3. It is desirable to use the biblical means of confronting sin through the church.
Matt. 18:15f I Co. 5
4. If the abuser will not submit to the authority of the church, it is appropriate to involve the
civil authorities.
5. How much discretion may you use?
G. Churches, schools, and families should take precautions to prevent abuse. Pr. 27:12
49

II. Counseling the abused.
A. You have a duty to protect victims of abuse. Ps. 82:3-4 Pr. 31:8-9 22:22-23
1. Do whatever is necessary to ensure the victimsare safe.
2. Is violent abuse grounds for separation or divorce? I Co. 7:12-16 I Ti. 5:8
B. How can you know someone has been abused? Prov. 18:17
1. Allclaims of abuse have to be taken seriously.
2. It is also important to protect people from being falsely accused.
3. Do extensive data gathering.
4. Abuse is often hard to prove because it usually takes place without third party witnesses.
Deut. 19:15
5. Some victims have used false claims of abuse to seek revenge or control.
6. Some counseling appears to have created false memories of abuse (False Memory
Syndrome).
7. Many victims refuse to report their abusers.
a. False guilt.
b. Fear.
c. Wrong views of submission.
d. Confusion.
C. Help the victim of abuse to biblically understand what has happened to her.
1. She needs to honestly face personal sinfulness. Mt. 7:3-5 I Jo. 1:9 Dt. 22:23-24
2. She needs to honestly face the sinfulness of others. Dt. 22:25-27
3. Help herto confront the abuser when appropriate and feasible. Mt. 18:15f Lu. 17:3
4. Is it sinfully vengeful and unforgiving to report abuse? Rom. 12:19 13:4
D. Victims of abuse can become overcomers, by God s grace. Rom. 12:21 I Co. 10:13
1. Offer biblical hope and comfort. Ro. 15:4 II Co. 1:3f 4:7-10 Re. 7:17 21:4 He. 4:15
2. Build a biblical view of suffering. II Co. 4:16-17
a. Recognize that God is sovereign over suffering. Eph. 1:11 Job 1-2
b. Why does God allow abuse? (From Elyse Fitzpatrick).
(1) To bring deliverance to others. Gen. 50:20
(2) To build character in us.. Rom. 5:3-5 James 1:2-5 I Pet. 1:6-9
(3) To equip usto comfort others. II Co. 1:3-11
(4) To display the works of God. John 9:1-3
(5) To help usto appreciate the hope we have in Christ. Rom. 8:18,28-29
3. Teach her how to forgive biblically. Mt. 6:12 18:21f Eph. 4:32
a. When should a victim forgive an abuser?
b. She needs to recognize the characteristics of true repentance. II Co. 7:10-11
c. Does forgiveness require that charges not be pressed?
d. Forgiveness is only possible because Christ has forgiven us. Eph. 4:32
e. Forgiveness is freeing.
f. Can she forgive if the abuser is not repentant?
4. Believers have resources to gain victory over the effects of abuse. Rom. 6:1f II Co. 5:17
II Pe. 1:3 Phil. 1:6
50

5. She does not have to fall into sins of:
a. Being angry and abusive themselves. Rom. 12:17-21
b. Having a dysfunctional family.
c. Lifelong bitterness. Heb. 12:15
d. Being angry with God.
e. Fear and worry. Mt. 6:25f Phil. 4:6-9
f. Self pity.
g. Self-righteousness.
6. Help herto rid her life of idols common to victims of abuse.
a. Desire forsafety/security
b. Desire forcontrol.
c. Man pleasing/fear of man. Pr. 29:25
d. Self indulgence. Ga. 5:19-22
7. Teach her to give thanks for God s blessings in her life. I Th. 5:18
8. Teach her to live by faith, not feelings. II Co. 5:7
E. Homework forvictims of abuse.
1. Learn from Joseph. Gen. 50:17-21
a. He was horribly abused by family members. Gen. 37
b. He was able to thrive for many years before his abusers sought his forgiveness.
c. He recognized the sovereignty and goodness of God, even in what happened to him.
Gen. 50:20 41:51
d. He refused to take revenge, trusting God to deal with those who wronged him.
Gen. 50:19 Rom. 12:19 I Pet. 2:23
e. He was able to forgive and bless his abusers. Gen. 50:21 Rom. 12:20-21
2. Women Helping Women, by Elyse Fitzpatrick, chapter 14: Counseling Women Abused as
Children.
3. What To Do When You re Abused by Your Husband, Needham and Pryde.
4. Abused? How You Can Find God s Help, by Richard and Lois Klempel
5. Confront/report the abuser.
6. Emergency phone numbers, safe houses, etc.
III. Counseling the abuser.
A. Understand why people abuse.
1. It is important to address not merely the behavior, but the attitude of the heart behind the
behavior. Mark 7:20-23
2. People abuse because they want something (badly enough to kill). Js. 4:1-2
Even legitimate desires can become idols.
3. When they don t get what they want, they become angry and abusive.
4. Expressions of anger (verbal tirades, threats, physical violence) are often very effective
means of controlling and manipulating people. Js. 1:19-20
5. Characteristics of abusers.
a. Controlling and manipulative.
b. Blames others and minimizes own sin.
c. Impulsive and aggressive. Prov. 25:28
d. Low tolerance for stress.
e. Self-centered.
f. Deceitful.
g. Charming.
51

6. Abusers tend to follow a cycle:
a. Build up stage. Tension building
b. Blow up stage. Battering verbalorphysical.
c. Remorse stage. Apologizing.
d. Build up stage...
B. The abuser must repent. Pr. 28:13
1. Don t let him excuse or minimize what he has done.
2. First he must repent before God not only for his sinful actions, but for the evil attitudes
and beliefs behind the actions. Ps. 51 Rom. 12:19
3. How can you know he is repentant? II Co. 7:10-11
a. Worldly sorrow is common among abusers.
b. What are the characteristics of godly sorrow?
4. He must seek forgiveness from those whom he has wronged. Mt. 5:23-24
5. He should willingly submit to accountability and safeguards.
6. What punishment is appropriate for an abuser? ÿþýüû úùø÷öõ ôüû ÷óøò
C. Teach the abuser how to change.
1. Go over patterns of abuse in great detail.
2. Teach him how to deal with anger. Eph. 4:26-27,32 Js. 1:19-20 Pr. 25:28 Ge. 4:6-7
a. Allowing anger to continue in the heart is to give the devil an opportunity.
b. Human anger cannot achieve God s righteousness.
c. Remember God s anger has been turned away from you. Eph. 4:32 Mt. 18:21f
3. Make a specific plan to deal with temptation.
a. Never spank in anger.
b. Stage 1 anger: put children in room: go alone & pray.
c. Stage 2: call friend: pray over phone.
d. Stage 3: someone come over immediately.
4. Teach the abuser to become a servant. Mark 10:42-45 John 13:1f
5. Can an abuser be rehabilitated?
a. Christ transforms sinners into saints. II Co. 5:17
b. This does not mean that the consequences of sin are removed or that you should put
potential victims at risk.
D. Homeworkfor abusers.
1. Confession.
a. Seeking forgiveness from all those affected.
b. Turning himself in to the authorities, if appropriate.
2. Have him/her keep an anger journal (Priolo).
3. Reading.
a. Anger pamphlet, Adams
b. Warof Words, Tripp
c. The Heart of Anger, Priolo
d. Introduction to Biblical Counseling: Anger, Scipione
4. Exercises: Anger, Homework Manualfor Biblical Living, by Wayne Mack
IV. Conclusion: Advice for counselors (from Needham and Pryde).
A. Count the cost of getting involved.
B. Be cautious in assessing those caught in abusive situations
C. Don t let the abuser shift blame. There is never an excuse for violence.
D. Be extremely careful about the advice you give a woman with regard to submission.
52

Dealing with Abusers and Their Victims: Discussion Questions
1. What are some legal definitions of abuse?
2. What biblical terminology should be used to describe abuse?
3. What is the difference between child abuse and legitimate spanking?
4. When should abuse be reported to the authorities?
5. What stepscan churches and Christian schools take to prevent abuse?
6. What can you do to protect victims of abuse?
7. Is physical abuse a biblical ground for separation or divorce?
8. How should a claim of abuse be investigated?
9. Why do many victims fail to report that they have been abused?
10. How can you help a victim to biblically understand what has happened to him or her?
11. How can victims of abuse become overcomers?
12. What sins become particular temptations for victims of abuse?
13. What biblical homework can be given to victims of abuse?
14. Why do people abuse?
15. What is a typical cycle of abuse?
16. How can you help an abuser come to full repentance?
17. How can an abuser learn to change?
18. What homework can be given to an abuser?
53

Depression
I. Understanding depression.
A. Depression is more than feeling a bit down. II Co. 4:8 Pr. 18:14
B. What brings on depression?
1. Sin and guilt. Ps. 32 Mt. 27:3
2. Hard circumstances. Ps. 73 I Kings 19 II Sam. 16:23 17:14,23 Jer. 17:5-6
3. Physical causes: brain tumor, drugs, exhaustion.
4. Depression often occurs when we respond badly (sinfully) to a situation (either
circumstances orsin).
C. Is depression itself a disease?
1. Most depression has spiritual roots.
2. Spiritual depression affects one physically.
3. Some people are more prone to depression than others.
4. Such people should use the spiritual resources God has provided. I Co. 10:13
5. Drugs address the symptoms of depression, but not the cause.
6. Calling depression a disease is depressing because it offers no hope. Recognizing the
spiritual causes of depression gives hope for transformation.
D. Depression works in cycles.
1. Depression cycles down.
a. Depression begins with a problem followed by a sinful response to that problem which
leads to a complicating problem.
b. Hopeless thoughts lead to greater hopelessness.
2. Depression can cycle back up again.
a. Reverse cycle of depression: repent of complicating problems.
b. Assume your responsibilities.
c. Faithfulness to duty will make one feel better which makes it easier to be more faithful
to duty.
3. People who are prone to depression tend to cycle in and out of depression over time.
E. Depression is very serious.
1. Some are debilitated.
2. Those who despair are at risk of suicide. II Sam. 16:23 17:14,23 Jonah 4:3
3. Help the family and friends of depressed people.
55

II. Exposition of key texts.
A. Psalm 32
B. Psalm 73
C. I Kings 19
III. Data Gathering/interpretation.
A. What is the cause of this depression?
B. What is the history/pattern of depression?
C. Are the counselee s physical needs being met? Sleep, food, bathing.
IV. Homework for those who are depressed.
A. Make sure physical needs are being met: sleep, food, etc. I Kings 19:4, 9-10
B. Deal biblically with depression. Pr. 25:20
1. Confess and repent of sin. Ps. 32:5
2. Submit to God s sovereignty over your circumstances. Ps. 73:15f Ro. 8:28 Gen. 50:20
3. Stop listening to yourself and start talking to yourself. Phil. 4:8-9
4. Start to cycle out of depression by fulfilling your duties. I Kings 19:12-17
C. Reading:
1. What do you do when you become depressed? , by Jay Adams(pamphlet).
2. Depression: The Way Up When You Are Down, Edward Welch, (CCEF/Resources for
Changing lives booklet).
3. Suicide: Understanding and Intervening, Jeffrey S. Black, (CCEF/RFCL booklet)
4. Spiritual Depression, Lloyd-Jones
5. Down but not Out, by Wayne Mack
6. Depression: A Stubborn Darkness, by Ed Welch
D. Audio
1. Depression , George Scipione
2. Rejoice in God s Forgiveness: Psalm 32 , Jim Newheiser
3. Why do the Wicked Prosper?: Psalm 73 , Jim Newheiser
E. Biblical memory and study.
1. Psalm 32
2. Psalm 73
3. Jeremiah 17:5-8
F. Workbook: Homework Manual for Biblical Living Volume 1, Mack, Depression
Homework
G. Worksheets
1. The Spiral of depression , Darrel Gustafson
2. Possible Homework Assignments and Strategies , Ed Welch.
56

Rejoice in God's Forgiveness. Psalm 32
I. Introduction: A Gospel Psalm. Rom. 4:6-8 I Kings 15:5 Psalm 51
II. Sin makes yourlife miserable! v. 1-4
A. The nature of sin. v. 1-2 Ps. 51:3-5
1. Transgression: revolt against God's authority, treason. 19:13 Isa. 53:6
2. Sin: missing the mark: falling short of God's standard. 107:17
a. Not a matter of meeting society's expectations.
b. Normerely being true to yourself. Ps. 51:4
3. Iniquity: moral perversion, twistedness. Num. 32:23 I Kn. 17:18 Ex. 20:5
Isa. 53:5,6,11 30:13
4. Deceit (guile): trying to fool yourself and God. v. 2b,5b Gen. 3:7f Job 31:33
B. Sin is physically and psychologically devastating. v. 3-4 II Sam. 12:1f Ps. 38:1ff
1. Physical wretchedness. I Cor. 11:30 5:5 Js. 5:14-16
a. Sin affects your body directly.
b. The link between spiritual condition and physical health: Indirect effects of sin.
c. Not all physical problems are the direct result of personal sin. John 9:1ff
2. Mental misery. 22:15 Job. 23:2 spiritual depression.
3. Sin is never worth it!
4. God brings trouble upon you (for your good). v. 4a,9 94:12 139:23-24 Heb. 12:5f
C. The ultimate result of the life of sin is God's wrath. v. 10a Ps. 1:6
III. If you confess your guilt, God will pardon you. v. 5 103:3
A. First, you must repent. v. 5
1. Stop deceiving yourself and recognize your sin for what it is! v. 1-2
Prov. 14:12
2. Openly confess your guilt to God. v. 5a-c 51:3ff I Jn. 1:9 II Sam. 12:13 Is. 59:12
a. Approach Him directly. Ps. 51:4
b. Specifically name how you have sinned against Him. Neh. 9:2-3 I Kings 8:33
3. Repentance is more than merely saying that you are sorry. Prov. 28:13
a. You can't be forgiven by going through outward motions of confession. (Guile)
b. Many professing Christians have never truly repented.
B. God graciously forgives. v. 5d, 1-2 Ps. 103:10-12 Jer. 31:34
He is more ready to pardon than you are to seek His mercy.
1. Yourtransgression is forgiven: removed, carried away. v. 1a 25:18 Ex. 34:7
Lev. 10:17 Isa. 53:4,12 Surely our griefs He Himself bore & our sorrows He carried.
a. Yourmere act of confession is not the meritorious cause of His grace.
b. The blood of Jesus Christ has cleansed you. I John 1:8-2:2 Heb. 9:2
c. He has lifted and borne the burden of your sin. Mt. 11:28
2. Yoursin is covered. v. 1b Isa. 53:5,8 51:9 Ezek. 18:22,30-31 Gen. 9:23 Rev. 3:18
3. Youriniquity is not counted (imputed) against you. v. 2a Num. 12:11 Rom. 4:6-8
a. How can a righteous God overlooksin?
b. He does not just ignore sin, but He deals with it.
c. Yourguilt has been imputed to Christ who died in your place. Rom. 5:1ff
d. His righteousness has been imputed to you.
57

4. Salvation has always been by grace through faith. Rom. 4:1-9 Gen. 15:6 3:15
a. Old Testament saints looked forward to God's fulfillment of His promise.
b. We look back upon what Christ has done for us. I Pet. 2:22-24
5. Forgiveness comes immediately after confession. v. 5d
C. Learn how to treat one-another. Mt. 6:12, 14-15 18:21-35 Eph. 4:32
1. When you wrong someone else:
a. First deal with your sin before God. Ps. 51:4
b. Openly and honestly confess where you were wrong.
c. Don't make excuses or shift blame.
d. Repentance must be heartfelt.
2. You must forgive as you have been forgiven. Eph. 4:32
a. A great debt has been paid on your behalf. Matt. 18:27
b. Forgiveness is granted freely - by grace, not works.
c. Forgiveness means that the sin is removed, covered over, and pardoned.
You renounce all right to count it against him (her).
d. You must treat the person as if they had not sinned against you.
IV. Rejoice in God's care for you! v. 6-11 Ps. 51:13 David's instructions for happiness.
A. Turn to God. 6-7 Phil. 4:6-7 Isa. 55:6-7
1. Are you converted?
Who are the "godly" and the "righteous"? v. 6,10
2. Seekthe Lord before it is too late. Isa. 55:6-7
3. Do believers need to confess their sins? I John 1:8-10 Matt. 6:12 Ps. 139:23-24
4. He willprotect you from trouble. v. 6b-7a 31:20,23 61:4 91:1 105:15 I Jn. 5:18
How does this relate to forgiveness of sin?
a. We sin when we think we can take better care of ourselves than God can.
b. Repentance involves trusting God for your happiness, wealth, and security. v. 10b
5. He willsurround you with rejoicing. v. 7b 51:14
B. Be teachable, not stubborn. v. 8-9
1. The LORD makes the right way clear. v. 8 34:8
2. If you continue in your own way, He will break you. v. 9, 10a Acts 26:14
Isa. 1:3 37:29 Jer. 2:24 Pr. 26:3 Heb. 12:5-6
C. Rejoice for the benefits of godliness are great! v. 10-11
1. Yourconfidence in him is well placed. 31:14
Yourjoy is in proportion to your trust in Him.
2. You willalways be surrounded by God's covenant mercy.
3. Shout and rejoice in the LORD! 31:7 95:1 98:4 118:24 122:1 132:4 Phil. 4:4
4. Are You fully expressing the joy of your salvation?
a. Are you thrilled and exuberant when you worship God?
b. Loudly tell of God's holy character and his great works.
V. Conclusion: Isa. 55:6-7
58

Why Do the Wicked Prosper? Psalm 73
I. Introduction. v. 1
A. Injustice can test your faith.
B. The Psalmist begins by stating his conclusion: Surely God is good to His people. v. 1
II. Don t be shortsighted, envying the wicked. v. 2-14
A. Asaph confesses, I nearly fell because I questioned God s goodness and justice. v. 2-3a
1. He is brutally honest about his own failings. v. 2,21
2. Even good men can lapse into sin and error. v. 3a
3. Why did Asaph nearly fall? He was walking by sight rather than by faith. II Co. 5:7
B. The wicked appear to abundantly prosper. v. 3b-5
1. They have the smallest share of earthly sorrows. v. 4a,5 Gen. 3:17-19 Ecc. 1:3
a. They live long healthy lives.
b. They don t seem to have the usual troubles of mankind. Ps. 90:10 Job 1:11 5:7
2. They seem to enjoy the greatest share of outward blessings. v. 4b, 12b
C. They abuse their power over other men. v. 6-8a
1. They believe earthly blessings make them better than others. v. 6a, 3a
2. They violently mistreat their fellow men. v. 6b
3. They live extravagantly. v. 7
4. They mock at and slander the righteous. v. 8a
D. They oppose God. v. 8b-11
1. They speak as if they are gods. v. 8b-10 Ps. 75:5 James 4:6
2. They dare to challenge God himself. v. 11 Psalm 10:4
E. It appears that God is not good and just. v. 12-14
1. The wicked, instead of being punished, are wealthy and at ease. v. 12
2. The righteous, instead of being rewarded, have all kinds of troubles. v. 14 26:6
3. It seems that it doesn t pay to be good. v. 13
4. Such thinking puts you in a precarious position.
III. See this life from God s perspective. v. 15-28
A. You need amajor change in outlook. v. 15-17a Col. 3:1-3
1. If you cannot explain God s ways, remain quiet. v. 15 Ps. 39:2 Js. 1:19 Ecc. 5:2
2. There are some issues which natural understanding cannot fathom. v. 16 Is. 55:8
3. Asaph, when troubled, went to God s sanctuary. v. 17a Ps. 68:35 Isa. 8:14
4. How can you enter God s sanctuary when you are troubled?
5. What should you hope will happen there?
B. You will see the destiny of the wicked. v. 17b-20
1. While their present may be pleasant, their end will be horrible. v. 17b Pr. 5:4-5,11
a. God willavenge allevil. Ps. 37:38 Deut. 32:35 Ro. 12:19
b. He will act in His own time and in His own way. Gen. 15:16
2. God is already preparing their doom. v. 18 Ps 35:6 Deut. 32:35
3. They will be suddenly destroyed. v. 19 Luke 12:19-20 Rev. 2:27 19:21
4. They will ultimately be forgotten. v. 20 Ps. 35:23 39:6 44:23 Mt. 7:23 Dan. 12:2
5. None of us can fully comprehend how awful it is to experience God s holy wrath.
6. What will be your end?
59

C. You willsee the folly of your own doubts. v. 21-22
1. Asaph not only has a new perspective on the wicked, he also sees himself from the divine
perspective.
2. There was never any valid excuse for your envy and bitterness. God never, for a
moment, ceased to be good and just.
3. You were acting like a beast, living by feeling and sight, rather than acting as a child of
God, walking by faith. Ps. 49:12,20 92:6
D. You willsee God s faithfulness. v. 23-24
1. God was always with you in the past, even when you were beastly. v. 23 Ps. 139:10 63:8
Isa. 41:10 Heb. 13:5-6 II Pe. 2:9 John 10:28-29
2. God willguide you in the present. v. v. 24a Prov. 3:5-6
3. God willreceive you into glory in the future. v. 24b Ps. 23:3 49:15 Ex. 33:18f
E. You will find full satisfaction in God alone. v. 25-26
1. There is nothing and no one who can fill your soul. v. 25 Phil. 1:21a Gal. 2:20
2. Yourbody and soulare frail, but God is your strength (Rock). v. 26 Psalm 18:2 119:57
16:4-6
3. Do you desire God more than all earthly things? Ps. 42:1f Luke 14:26
4. You envy the wicked only because you desire what they have more than you desire God.
5. Sometimes you have to endure a great trial in order to realize your need for God.
6. Do you know God the way the Psalmist knew him?
IV. Concluding applications: Stop doubting, and believe. v. 27-28
A. You have no reason to envy the wicked who are unfaithful to God. v. 27 Ps. 37:20 1:6 2:12
44:23 35:23 Deut. 28:63 Pr. 23:17 24:1,19 3:31 James 4:4
B. Your spiritual blessings as God s child make you rich. v. 28
1. God is always near you. Heb. 13:5 Rom. 8:31f
2. He is your refuge. Ps. 46:1 Pr. 14:26 Isa. 58:2
3. Tell of His works. v. 28b
Discussion Questions
1. What injustices test your faith?
2. What faulty conclusions could one draw from the prosperity of the wicked?
3. What was the Psalmist s real problem?
4. How did the Psalmist gain a new perspective?
5. What must you do to gain a true perspective on your problems?
6. What is the true view of the wicked?
7. What is the true view of your own doubts?
8. Why didn t Asaph fall?
9. What does it mean to find satisfaction in God alone?
60

I. Understanding worry.
A. Worry is a problem of the mind.
B. Worry is sin. Phil. 4:6-7 Mt. 6:34
C. Worry is rooted in unbelief. Mt. 6:30
Worry/Anxiety
D. The person who worries desires something in the place of God.
E. Worry can become life dominating.
1. Worry can lead to depression.
2. Worry can affect you physically. I Cor. 6:19-20
F. Worry, stress, and fearare closely related.
G. Don t deal with worry sinfully.
1. By trying to control whatever it is that worries you.
2. By misusing drugs, alcohol, shopping, etc.
H. It is not wrong to plan, so long as you leave the outcome to God. Pr. 21:5 16:9
II. Explanation of key texts.
A. Matthew 6:25-33
B. Philippians 4:4-9
III. Data gathering/interpretation.
A. What is the focus of worry?
B. What is this person seeking?
C. What is the history/pattern of worry?
D. How is this person seeking to deal with worry in a sinful way?
IV. Homework for those who are anxious.
A. Pray. Phil. 4:6-7
1. Adoration.
2. Confession.
3. Thanksgiving. Recall His past faithfulness.
4. Supplication. I Pe. 5:7
B. Rejoice in the Lord. Phil. 4:4-5
C. Trust God forthe outcome. Js. 4:13-17
D. Meditate upon what is profitable. Phil. 4:8-9
61

E. Desire and seek first God s kingdom. Mt. 6:33 Mt. 6:19-24
1. Focus upon fulfilling your calling in life.
2. Don t follow your feelings.
F. Keep an anxiety and prayer journal.
G. Reading.
1. What Do You Do When You Worry All the Time? , Jay Adams (Pamphlet)
2. Worry: Pursuing a Better Path to Peace, David Powlison (CCEF/RFCL booklet)
3. Thankfulness: Even When it Hurts, Susan Lutz (CCEF/RFCL booklet)
4. Overcoming Fear, Worry and Anxiety, Elyse Fitzpatrick
5. The Fear Factor, Wayne Mack
H. Audios
1. Don t Worry, Be Holy. Matt. 6:25-34", Jim Newheiser
2. How to Have Joy and Peace. Philippians 4:4-7 , Jim Newheiser
3. What, Me Worry? , by George Scipione
4. For Women Worriers , Elyse Fitzpatrick
I. Workbook: Homework Manual forBiblical Living Volume 1, Mack, Anxiety and Worry
Homework
62

I. Introduction.
How to Have Joy and Peace. Philippians 4:4-7
II. Rejoice in the Lord always. v. 4
A. God commands you to be joyful. 3:1 I Thess. 5:16
1. How can Paul tell you to be joyful?
2. You are responsible for how you feel.
B. True and lasting joy is found only in the Lord. I Pet. 1:8
1. Any other source of joy will let you down. Pr. 23:4-5
2. Joy is a fruit of the Holy Spirit. Gal. 5:22f
3. The Lord is sufficient cause for continual joy. 3:8-10 3:20-21 4:5 Ps. 37:4 16:11
John 15:11 Lu. 1:14 19:37 Acts 8:39 13:48 Rev. 19:6
4. Paul certainly lived this out. Acts 16:22f Philippians 1:18 2:17-18 II Cor. 11:23f
C. You are to rejoice always. John 16:22 Ro. 8:38-39
1. You can experience godly joy in the midst of trouble. Hab. 3:17-19 II Co. 6:10
Mt. 5:11-12 Col. 1:24 Acts 5:41
2. Ifyou lack joy, you dishonor the Lord.
3. Why do Christians lose their joy? Ps. 51:12 Mt. 6:24
D. How, practical terms, can you rejoice in the Lord?
1. Pursue joyous fellowship with God through the Word and prayer.
2. Rejoice in particular things about God.
3. Rejoice in the particular things God does. Phil. 4:10 2:5f II Jo. 1:3-4
4. Rejoice as you praise and worship Him. Ps. 100:3
5. Rejoice even in your trials. I Pe. 4:13
III. Be yielding and gentle towardsall people. v. 5
A. How does forbearance relate to joy and peace?
B. What character quality is Paul encouraging? v. 5a 2:3-4 4:2-3
1. Don t be the kind of person who is always frantically looking out for himself.
2. Don t be unduly rigorous about secondary matters.
3. Instead of pursuing your own happiness, focus on the needs of others.
4. Treat everyone with consideration.
5. This involves conscious effort.
6. OurLord Jesus exemplifies gentle forbearance. 2:5f Mark 10:45 Mt. 11:29
C. Yourmotivation is that the Lord is near. v. 5b
1. He is with us now. Heb. 13:5b Mt. 28:20
2. He is coming soon. 3:20-21 James 5:8 Rev. 1:3 22:10 Heb. 12:2 Luke 12:42-48
IV. Instead of being anxious, pray. v. 6-7.
A. Neverworry. v. 6a Matt. 6:25-34
1. What kinds of things make you anxious?
2. You are not enslaved to anxiety and fear.
3. Paul is not encouraging irresponsibility or making light of your troubles. 1:27
II Th. 3:10 II Co. 8:1-2
63

B. Why is worry sin?
1. Anxiety, like joylessness, dishonors God. Mt. 6:25f
2. Worry is due to a lack of trust in God s sovereignty and goodness. I Cor. 10:13 Isa. 59:1
Luke 10:41 Mt. 10:19
3. Anxiety isself-destructive. Mt. 6:34
C. Instead, turn to God with all your concerns. IPet. 5:7 Heb. 11:6
1. Prayer. Col. 4:2 Mt. 6:32
2. Supplication. Eph. 6:18 Heb. 5:7 I Pe. 3:12
3. Thanksgiving. Eph. 5:4 Col. 4:2 I Ti. 2:1f Rom. 1:21 Phil. 1:12-17 2:17-18
4. Make yourrequests to God. I Jo. 5:15
D. God s own peace shall guard your hearts and your minds. I Pe. 1:5 John 14:27
1. Notice what Paul doesn t promise.
2. God sown peace is of surpassing value.
V. Concluding applications.
Discussion questions
1. Why should Christians be joyful?
2. How can we be joyful all of the time?
Does this mean Christians will never be sad or mourn?
3. What does a gentle (or forbearing) spirit look like?
4. Why is worry sinful?
5. What is the antidote to worry?
6. List 15 things for which you are most thankful. Pray through the list.
7. How does thankfulness help you to overcome anxiety?
8. Make a list of 5 issues about which you are most prone to worry. Pray through the list.
64

Don tWorry, Be Holy! Matthew 6:25-34
I. Why shouldn t you worry? The disease. v. 25-32, 34
A. Worry is senseless because your Heavenly Father caresfor you v. 25-26, 28-30
1. Because God has already given you the greater gift of life, you can trust Him to
provide the lesser needs of sustenance. v. 25 7:9-11 Rom. 8:32
2. If God provides forthe physical needs of the lesser creation, surely he willtake
care of you, His children. v. 26, 28-30 Ps. 147:9 104:25,27 Rom. 1:20
B. Worry is useless because it accomplishes nothing. v. 27,34
1. Anxiety is futile. v. 27 Heb. 9:27 Ps. 31:15 39:4-6 Luke 12:20 Job 14:5
2. While fretting cannot lengthen your life, it may shorten it!
3. Worry about tomorrow keeps you from being productive today. v. 34
a. Worry is hard work.
b. Most of what you worry about never comes to pass.
c. God gives grace and strength as you need it. 6:11 Lam. 3:22-23
I Cor. 10:13
4. You are immortal until your work for the Lord is complete. Phil. 1:21-25
C. Worry is faithless because it denies God s loving care for you. v. 30b-32 8:26
1. Ultimately anxiety is due to unbelief. v. 30b 8:26 14:30-31 16:8 17:20
2. By worrying you are behaving like an unbeliever. v. 31-32a
3. Fretting is unworthy of a child of the King. v. 32b 10:29-31 Ps. 84:11
a. God knows what you need better than you do. v. 11 Heb. 4:13
Rev. 2:9
b. God willnot allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able.
I Cor. 10:13
4. Worry is serious sin. Rom. 8:28
II. You can stop worrying. The cure . v. 33
A. Commit yourself to the Lord s business. v. 33a
1. Don t seek to overcome anxiety in the world s way.
2. The problem of worry is not negative thinking, but godless thinking.
a. The answer is not positive thinking, but a renewed mind. Rom. 12:2
3. Serve God with an undivided heart. v. 24 13:44-46 Luke 10:38-42
I Kings 3:5-9
a. It is good to be concerned about certain things. II Cor. 11:28f
Phil. 2:20
4. How, in practical terms can you seek His kingdom first? 5:6
Priorities, righteousness, gifts, vocation, prayer.
B. Trust God to meet your needs. v. 33b Heb. 4:15 13:5-6 Isa. 26:3 Ps. 55:22 46:1-2
1. Cast your cares upon the Lord. I Pet. 5:7 Phil. 4:6
If you take care of His business, He will take care of yours. I Kings 3:10-14
2. How can the person undergoing severe trials find help? 11:28-30
3. If you rely upon Him, he will not disappoint you. Ps. 37:25 34:10 Rom. 9:33
10:11 I Pet. 2:6 I Cor. 10:13
C. Give thanksforHis bountiful provision and be content. Phil. 4:6 I Thess. 5:18
Phil. 4:12 I Tim . 6:6-8 Heb. 13:5-6
65

III. Don t misunderstand or abuse God s promises!
A. Jesus is not saying that you won t have any problems. v. 34b Gen. 3:17-19
B. Jesus is not advocating carefree irresponsibility. 25:14-30
1. God ordinarily providesthrough means sowing and reaping. v. 26 Gen. 3:19
Believers are not exempt from having to earn a living. II Thess. 3:10
2. You are responsible to take care of today s troubles today, as God enablesyou.
v. 34 I Tim. 5:8, 13 II Thess. 3:10 Lam. 3:22-23
3. There is a legitimate concern for others. II Cor. 8:15 11:28f Phil. 2:20
I Cor. 7:32-34
IV. Concluding applications.
A. God tells you why not to worry.
B. The antidote to worry is a radical change of priority. Phil. 4:4-9
C. If you are not a child of God you ought to worry! v. 32a
Is God calling you to be His child today? John 1:12-13 Eph. 3:20
66

Fear
I. Understanding fear
A. Fear is not necessarily sinful.
1. We are to fear God. Prov. 1:7 Ps. 90:11 Isa. 6:1ff
2. Fear is areasonable and helpfulresponse to danger. I Co. 10:12
B. Fear has physical manifestations. Deut. 2:25 Ex. 15:16 Isa. 35:3-4 I Sam. 25:37
Gen. 27:33
C. Fear can be very damaging.
1. Fear can keep one from fulfilling his duties to God and others. Pr. 22:13 28:1
2. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
D. Fear becomes sinful:
1. When you fear men more than God. Prov. 29:25 Isa. 29:13
2. When you fail to trust God.
3. When you want control and certainty which belong to God alone.
4. When fear keeps you from fulfilling your responsibilities to God.
E. Keys to overcoming fear.
1. That which is to be most feared, God s wrath, has been removed by Christ. Mt. 10:28
Heb. 2:15 I Jo. 4:18
2. The Lord is your shepherd. Psalm 23
3. The righteous are characterized by boldness, not fear. Pr. 28:1 Rev. 21:8
4. When facing fears the crucial question is: What does God want you to do?
5. For those who fear imperfection, your perfection is in Christ.
6. Only God possesses certainty and control. You must trust Him. Ro. 8:28 Deut. 29:29
II. Exposition of key texts
A. Jer. 17:5-8
B. Psalm 23
C. Prov. 1:7
D. Prov. 29:25
67

III. Data gathering/interpretation
A. Of what is the counselee afraid?
B. Why is the counselee afraid?
1. Past experience (i.e. abuse, lice, etc.).
2. Experiences of others (e.g. friend died of cancer).
C. What is the counselee s view ofGod?
IV. Homework for those who fear
A. Follow the same assignments as listed in the section on worry.
B. Learn to trust God, focusing upon the keys to overcoming fear. Pr. 3:5-6 Js. 4:13-17
C. Keep a fear journal.
D. Reading
1. What Do You Do When Fear Overcomes You? , Jay Adams (pamphlet)
2. OCD: Freedom for the Obsessive-Compulsive, Michael R. Emlet (Booklet: CCEF/RFCL)
3. Overcoming Fear, Worry and Anxiety, Elyse Fitzpatrick
4. The Fear Factor, Wayne Mack
5. When People Are Big and God Is Small, Ed Welch
E. Audios
1. Don t Worry, Be Holy. Matt. 6:25-34", Jim Newheiser
2. How to Have Joy and Peace. Philippians 4:4-7 , Jim Newheiser
3. What, Me Worry? , by George Scipione
4. For Women Worriers , Elyse Fitzpatrick
F. Workbook: Homework Manualfor Biblical Living Volume 1, Mack, Fear Homework
G. Worksheet: The Panic Fear Attack
68

I. Introduction
In Whom Do You Trust? Jer. 17:5-10
II. If you trust in mankind, you will be cursed. v. 5-6 11:3 Gen. 3:14,17 Same word: Eden
A. Don t rely upon the flesh. v. 5
1. Israel was inclined to trust men. 2:14-19 46:25
a. She claimed to hope in God.
b. Yet she was resorting to herown devices. 5:31
c. She trusted false prophets. 7:4,8
d. She sought help from foreign alliances. Isa. 31:1-3 Ezek. 29:16 II Kn. 24:1
e. She forgot God s great deeds of the past, despised God s gracious promises, and
ignored His threats.
2. Man in all of his power and glory is but frail flesh. v. 5a
3. When you trust mankind, your heart is turned away from the Lord. v. 5b 2:13 5:23
3:2,6-10 2:20
a. He alone is to be the arm of your strength. 27:5 32:17 Isa. 33:2
b. Trust in anyone or anything else is nothing less than idolatry (spiritual adultery).
c. You violate the greatest commandment. Dt. 6:5
B. If you do, your life will wither away. v. 6
1. You will be desolate and hopeless.
2. Such was the condition of Israel asJeremiah wrote: under God s curse: exile. 8:13 11:16
1:15 25:9 Dt. 28:15ff 29:22-23 Ezek. 17:8-10 19:10-13
3. Such is the condition of all humanity apart from divine grace. Ps. 129:6
C. Application: like Israel, the church is inclined to unfaithfulness to God.
1. Don t entrust yourself to people in the world!
a. Government leaders/military power. Ps. 146:3-5 44:6 20:7 Dt. 28:52 Isa. 31:1-2
b. Employers and doctors.
2. Don t wrongfully entrust yourself to others in relationships.
a. Family. Ps. 27:10 Is. 49:15
b. Friendship. Pr. 25:19
c. Co-dependency (co-idolatry).
3. Don t entrust your spiritual life to frail men.
a. Christian leaders. Gal. 2:11ff
b. The church itself has become reliant upon worldly methodologies (management,
marketing, psychology); denying the sufficiency of Scripture. II Tim. 3:16-17
4. Don t trust yourself. Pr. 28:26
a. Self righteousness/religion. 7:4,14 12:2 Ezek. 33:13 Rom. 3:20
b. Money, education, skills, wisdom. 48:7 Pr. 11:28
5. Questions.
a. Is there any sense in which you should be self reliant?
b. Is there any sense in which you are to trust others? Pr. 31:11
6. Summary: if you rely upon man, you will be cursed!
Does your life have a wooden roof?
69

III. Trust God and you will be blessed. v. 7-8
A. Willyou entrust yourself to the LORD? v. 7 Ps. 31:24
1. Hope in God alone. Pr. 3:5-6 Isa. 26:3-4
a. Repent of all other hopes. John 15:5
b. Acknowledge Him in everything you do.
c. Entrust yourself by following His Word. Pr. 16:20
d. The issue is not mere outward works or ceremony, but yourheart!
2. God alone is trustworthy. Ps. 27:3 118:8-9 40:4 62:5-6 22:5 Isa. 50:10 Pr. 14:26
B. You will flourish. Ps. 52:8 1:3 92:13-14
1. Yoursecurity willbe unshakeable. Ps. 34:8 Isa. 44:4. Phil. 1:6 Ezek. 47:12
2. When hard times come, you will endure. II Cor. 4:8-11,16-18
a. There is no promise that those who trust God will avoid trials. 14:1 42:16,
b. The believer lives above circumstances.
c. These trials are used by God to strengthen you. Heb. 12:6-11 Rom. 5:3-4
d. The remnant will take root and be renewed. Isa. 37:31
3. You willflourish: continually bearing fruit unto the glory of God. John 15:5
C. Application: whom are you trusting?
1. Are you controlled by circumstances?
2. Oris your trust in the Lord?
3. Depression is not caused by circumstances, but failure to trust Christ.
IV. Concluding application: you must choose whom you will trust. v. 9-10
A. Why would anyone be so foolish as to trust man instead of God? v. 9
1. Yourproblem is a heart problem. Pr. 4:23
2. Yourheart is utterly sinful: totally depraved. Rom. 8:7-8
3. Yourheart is deceitful. Isa. 5:20
a. The worst deceit is the deceit of self-righteousness.
b. You may think that you are trusting in God when really you are not.
4. You cannot cure your own heart condition. 13:23 15:18 30:12
5. You need regeneration, not mere outward reform! Titus. 3:5 John 3:5f
B. God knows your heart. v. 10 Ps. 139:1,23 44:21
1. Yoursin cannot be hidden from him. v. 10a
2. He testsyourmotives. 11:20 20:12 Pr. 17:3
3. He will bring judgment upon you. 32:19
C. God alone can change your heart. Jer. 31:31-34
1. Confess your desperate condition.
2. Ask Him to healyou. v. 14
D. A clear choice.
1. You are without excuse.
2. God invites you to Himself. 3:12ff Isa. 30:18.
70

Temptation
I. Understanding Temptation.
A. Temptation follows a pattern. James 1:13-15
B. The problem is in the heart. Mark 7:14-23 Prov. 4:23 Mt. 5:22,28
C. Addictionsare not diseases.
D. God will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able. I Cor. 10:13
E. Christ has set you free from slavery to sin. Ro. 6:11,18
F. You are responsible to fight sin. Rom. 6:12ff
G. Temptation needs to be dealt with radically. Mt. 5:29-30 II Tim. 2:22
H. You need to see that God is most desirable. Isa. 55:1-2 Proverbs 9 John 7:38
II. Scripture exposition.
A. Sexual temptation.
1. II Samuel 11, Learning from King David s Mid-Life Failure
2. Genesis 39, Learning from Joseph s Temptation
3. The Pain of Porn
4. Proverbs 5-7, 9
B. Substance Abuse
1. Wisdom from Proverbs about Substance Abuse
2. Life Dominating Problems: Drugs, Alcohol, Etc.
C. Isa. 55:1-2, Satisfaction for the Thirsty
III. Data gathering.
A. What is the counselee s history in dealing with this temptation?
B. What is the counselee s pattern of falling into this temptation?
C. Are you sure the counselee is a Christian?
IV. Homework.
A. Keep a temptation log.
B. Radically deal with sources of temptation. Mt. 5:29-30 Prov. 5:8 II Tim. 2:22
C. Fill your mind with what is best. Phil. 4:8-9
D. Be busy serving God and others.
E. Establish accountability.
71

F. Reading
1. What Do You Do When You Know You re Hooked? , Jay Adams (Pamphlet)
2. Just One More: When Desires Don t Take No for an Answer, Edward Welch
(CCEF/RFCL booklet)
3. Pornography: Slaying the Dragon, David Powlison, (CCEF/RFCL booklet).
4. Not Even a Hint, Joshua Harris
5. Addictions: A Banquet in the Grave, Edward Welch
6. The Useful Lie, Playfair
7. Love to Eat, Hate to Eat, Elyse Fitzpatrick
G. Workbook:
1. Homework Manualfor BiblicalLiving, Volume 1, Life Dominating Sins , Wayne Mack
2. Pure Freedom: Breaking the Addiction to Pornography, Mike Cleveland
3. The Lord s Table: A Biblical Approach to Weight Loss, Mike Cleveland
H. Audios
1. Substance Abuse Counseling , Ed Welch
2. Helping Addicts , Dr. Playfair
3. Helping Alcoholics , Dr. Playfair
4. The Twelve Steps and AA , Dr. Playfair
5. Drug and Alcohol Abuse , Bob Needham
6. Love to Eat, Hate to Eat , Elyse Fitzpatrick
7. Life Dominating Sins , George Scipione
8. Dealing with Lustful Temptation , Wayne Mack
9. The Pain of Porn , Jim Newheiser
10. Sexual Wisdom: Proverbs 5-7", Jim Newheiser
11. Satisfaction for the Thirsty: Isa. 55", Jim Newheiser
72

Learning from King David s Mid-Life Failure
Charles was a highly respected pastor. 1 The church he planted many years ago has survived some hard times
and is now flourishing. He is well respected in his denominational circles. He is a popular conference
speaker and he has even published several articles and one book. His family seems exemplary. He has been
happily married for twenty-five years and he and his wife have successfully raised their four children, the last
of whom starts college next year. We were shocked last week when we heard that Charles had been caught
ina pattern of adultery and deceit and had been removed from office. How could such a thing happen to a
man who seemed to have it all together, who had successfully passed through the temptations of his younger
years, who seemed to have everything aminister could want? Does this mean that his entire ministry had
beenalie? Are the books, articles and tapes he produced worthless? Or did something happento take a
man who had beenqualified and used of God and ruin him?
Stephenis a lay leader inhis church. He has a lovely wife withwhom he has enjoyed a close relationship.
He has been very successful in his business. He is knowledgeable in the Scriptures, is involved in the life of
the church, and is leading Bible studies discipling younger men. He has been close to his pastor for many
years. Imagine his pastor s grief when Stephen s wife came for counsel complaining she has found evidence
Stephen has returned to the excessive drinking of his pre-conversion days. Also, she has caught him
viewing pornography on the internet. Most evenings he comes home from work and sits in front of the
television. He doesn tinteract withhis childrenand he is very distant fromhis wife.
Modern people would say Charles and Stephen are exhibiting the classic symptoms of the mid-life crisis . 2
Their experience is not, however, unique or particularly modern. What happened to Charles and Stephen is
similar to what happened to King David in II Samuel 11-12. David seemed to have achieved his life s goals.
He had been greatly used of God. He was truly a man after God s own heart. Yet in middle age, he fell into
sin and brought disgrace uponhimself and trouble to the people of God. Studying David s falland
restoration will give us insight as to how a man can fall into a mid-life crisis, the heart problems behind it,
and how we canhelp the man who is struggling.
How does a godly man fail in mid-life?
Different phases of life present different challenges. Youthful lusts may give way to the dissatisfied
boredom of mid-life. Both are equally dangerous.
A. No more worlds to conquer. David s fallin II Samuel 11 is alarming. Hislife s goals have, for the
most part, been achieved. His domestic enemies have been vanquished and he is securely established on the
throne as king over all Israel (II Sam. 1-4). The Philistines, Arameans, Moabites and Edomites have been
subdued (II Sam. 8,10). The ark of the covenant has entered Jerusalem (II Sam. 6). He has multiple wives
of beauty and at least one of character (Abigail). Yet David s success may have provided the circumstances
which led to his great sin. Alexander the Great is said to have wept because there were no more worlds to
conquer. It appears that David s most glorious victories were behind him.
B. Facing his limitations. After conquering the land, he sought to embark on one more grand project. He
aspired to see the temple built in Jerusalem, but God revealed that this honor would go to his son (II Sam.
7:1-2,12-13). David s life had settled down to administering the kingdom he had established. There were
no more great dreams to be realized in his lifetime.
1 Charles and Stephen are fictional characters whose experience is a compilation of men known to me.
2 Mid-life crisis is not a biblical term. It is used in popular literature to describe the experience, primarily of men between 35
and 50, who become dissatisfied with their lives. People in mid-life crisis can become depressed and often engage in
impulsive and risky behavior.
73

C. Lethargy sets in. Then it happened in the spring, at the time when kings go out to battle that David
sent Joab and his servants with him and all Israel. But David stayed at Jerusalem (II Sam. 11:1). Like
many driven men, David appears to have functioned better in the midst of great challenges. Once his
kingdom was established, he seemed to lose heart for his life s work. The defeat of the sons of Ammon
wouldn t add muchto his already illustriousrecord as a warrior. Perhaps David decided that he had already
fought in his share of battles. Now he had underlingswhomhe could send in his place to fight his wars. As
King, he could still receive the glory for the conquest without having to go to the field.
D. Idleness and boredom lead to temptation. David s lack of attention to his calling put him in a
situation in which he was vulnerable to the temptation which resulted in his wicked liaison with Bathsheba.
The pattern repeated today.
David s mid-life failure continues to be repeated in the lives of many men today. Just as different phases of
life present different challenges, circumstances of mid-life may affect men in various ways according to their
personalities. Driven men who are leaders seem especiallyprone to stumble as David did.
A. They have achieved success in their life s work. The pastor has spent his early adult life seeing his
ministry established. He has completed his formal training. His own theology is settled and he has driven
out the doctrinal Philistines. No more personal theological journeys or battles are anticipated. The
followers of Saul who would have divided the church have been subdued. Perhaps he has seenthe church
through a building program.
In the same way a Christian businessman may have worked his way through school, landed the good job,
and fought his way up the corporate ladder. At the same time he has enjoyed a successful marriage, raised
his children, and been active in his church. He owns his home, has put his kids through college, and is
saving towards retirement.
AChristian wife and mother may also be tempted. Twenty-five years ago she gave up her career in order to
take care of her husband and children. Now her daughter is getting married and her son is going off to
college.
There may be greater danger in times of peace and prosperity than in the midst of the battle. Spurgeon
points out, It is not easy to carry a full cup with a steady hand, and, smooth places are slippery places. 3
B. They have reached a plateau and dreams have died. From childhood life is seen as a sequence of
ever increasing challenges and opportunities. One looks ahead to completing his education, establishing a
career, marriage, and raising children. The horizons continue to broaden. He is always looking forward to
the challenges of the next phase of life. As he gets older, for the first time the horizons begin to narrow.
Perhaps for some men reality hits in their twenties whenthey realize their childhood dream of playing in a
Super Bowl will never be realized. As he gets older, the limitations become more serious. He is a midlevel
manager, but he will never be the president, or even the vice president of the company. Or as a
minister, his church is of a certain size, but it has leveled off. He realizes he will probably never be the
leader of a mega-church. Nor will he have a national radio ministry or publish a best-selling book. He also
senses the beginning of a gradual physical decline. He can t run as fast or lift as much weight. Those aches
and pains don t go away as quickly as in the past. Nor do the extra pounds he (and his once slim wife)
seems to put on all too easily.
After sacrificing her best years to care for her family, the Christian woman may find that not only do her
children, into whom she has poured out her life, not need her anymore, but also they aren tliving as she
3 Spurgeon, Charles Haddon. Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit Volume 8. Pilgrim Publications, Pasadena, TX. Page 278
74

taught them. She and her husband have grown apart during these busyyears ofhis career and her child
rearing. Now she feels unneeded. What can she do with the rest of her life?
The seeming termination of the sequence of challenge and opportunity can come as quite a shock to adriven
man. What isthe next phase to which he can look forward? Is it retirement and then death? Furthermore,
as he looks back, he has regrets. Why didn t anyone tell me that my youth would pass by so quickly? Why
didn t I realize how soon my children would be gone? Why didn t I make better choices in these crucial
phases of life? Why didn tsomeone prepare me for this mid-life phase? I couldn t wait for each new
challenge in life. One man said, I rushed through my twenties and thirties and then when I hit middle age
and tried to put on the brakes, I discovered that the accelerator was stuck! 4
C. Boredom and laziness set in. Just as David could get Joab to fight Israel sbattles, the seasoned pastor
can meet people sexpectations with much less effort. He can delegate much of his work to his assistants or
to eager young interns. He can prepare an acceptable sermon in less time, or recycle an old message. Those
engaged in vocationalministryhave flexible working hours. A driven man can work 80 hours a week
(sometimes to the detriment of his family). A lazy man can work very little and go undetected. At this
stage of one scareer his fellow leaders trust him and don tfeel the need to check up on him (just as David s
staying behind in Jerusalem when the battle raged probablywent unchallenged). The distractions of surfing
the net (where Bathsheba may be found) can even enable the pastor to give the appearance of working while
he is really wasting time.
In the same way, the established businessman can meet his supervisor s (or his customer s) expectations in
less time. He has learned how to delegate his work to his underlings. He is trusted by his superiors, and
therefore is not held accountable for his time. The stay-at-home wife no longer has to drive to orchestra
rehearsal, soccer practice and ballet. Watching the television, reading the newspapers, or shopping canfill
her days.
D. He seeks sinful diversions. Amaninmid-life may be able to put much of his life on autopilot and coast,
but with the idleness and the resulting boredomwillcome temptationto sinfuldiversions such as immorality
and covetousness (I Tim. 5:13). Calvin warns, David did not carry out his duty. By thus sparing himself
and staying in his house in order to be at his ease, he threw himself into the net of Satan. 5 Spurgeon
reminds us that idleness is the mother of mischief, and that David was safer in the midst of raging battles
than inside his own palace when he was being lazy. 6
What are the spiritual causes of a mid-life failure?
Calvin says of David s fall, Now here is a story which should make our hair stand straight up on end
whenever we think of it - that a servant of God as excellent as David should fall into such a serious and
enormous sin... 7
When a man of God falls, we all wonder how it could have happened. Jesus tells us sin proceeds fromthe
heart (Mark 7:21-23). After being caught in his sin, David sprayer reveals the state of his heart, Create in
me a clean heart O God and renew a steadfast spirit within me... Restore to me the joy of Your salvation
(Psalm. 51:10,12). I don t believe David suddenly fell into this condition on the day he fell into sin with
Bathsheba. Instead, the sin with Bathsheba was an expression of the sorry state into which his inner
4 I am unable to identify the source of this quote.
5 Calvin, John. Sermons on 2 Samuel. Banner of Truth Trust, Edinburgh, 1992. Page 479
6 Spurgeon, Charles Haddon. Metropolitan Pulpit Volume 8. Pilgrim Publications, Pasadena, TX 1985. Page 278
7 Calvin, John. Sermons on 2 Samuel, Banner of Truth Trust, 1992. Page 476
75

spirituallife had already deteriorated. Inward spiritual deterioration leads to acts of sin (James 1:14-15). In
II Samuel 12 the prophet Nathan gives explanation for David s fall.
A. Ingratitude. Thus says the LORD God of Israel, It is I who anointed you king over Israel and it is I
who delivered you from the hand of Saul. I also gave you your master s house and your master swives
into your care, and I gave you the house of Israel and Judah; and if that had been too little, I would have
added to you many more things like these (II Samuel 12:7-8 ). Sin blinds us to the goodness of God.
David had lost sight of the great blessings God had bestowed upon him. He was no longer mindful of and
thankful for his elevation from being a shepherd boy to becoming the anointed of God. He seemed to have
lost his sense of reverent amazement at his deliverance from Goliath, from Saul, and from the enemies of
Israel. Perhaps he had forgotten the land was united by the power of God (not David). The joy he had
experienced when the Ark of the Covenant entered Jerusalem (II Sam. 6:12-15) seems to have dissipated.
Rather than being content with his own wives and propertyhe coveted the wife ofanother man.
In the same way, the Christian leader canbeginto take God skindness for granted. Like David, he hasbeen
blessed immeasurably! He can lose sight of the wonder of Christ s amazing work of delivering him from
slavery to the world, sinand death. He can take lightly the privilege of his calling to the ministry. He may
no longer marvel at how God has used him to lead others to faith and to build up the church. Perhaps he
has slipped into a mind set in which he takes much of the credit for the success of his ministry.
The businessman no longer rejoices inthe wife of his youth (Pr. 5:18f), perhaps noticing she is no longer
so young and attractive as other womenaround him. He tends to see his wealth and position as the fruit of
his own labor. He is no longer filled with awe and wonder at God sgoodnessto him.
The homemaker forgets how God has blessed her by giving her a faithful husband, blessing their marriage
with children, and providing so she could stay at home.
B. Undervaluing the things of God. Why have you despised the Word of the LORD by doing evil in his
sight?... Because you have despised Me and have taken the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your wife... (II
Sam. 12:9-10). Just as Esau was guilty of despising his birthright (Gen. 25:9), David was guilty of counting
God Himselfof little value. At the same time, David had counted his flesh ofgreat value. He had exchanged
the sweetness of pure fellowship with God for a few moments of pleasure. Then he sought to cover his guilt
by bringing Uriah back from the battle. Uriah, in contrast, placed high value on the things of God, The ark
and Israel and Judah are staying in temporary shelters, and my lord Joab and the servants of my lord are
camping in the open field. Shall I then go to my house to eat and to drink and to lie with my wife? By
your life and the life of your soul, I will not do this thing (II Samuel 11:11). David should have been
pierced by Uriah s piety; instead he shows the folly and hardness of his sin by murdering this loyal servant of
God. Like his predecessor Saul(see I Samuel 15:22,30), David seemed to no longer care what God thinks,
so long as he could maintain his personal comfort and his status before men.
C. Idolatry. Isaiah 55:2 scolds, Why do you spend money forwhat is not bread, and your wages for what
does not satisfy? David chose to spend himself on the bread of fleshlyindulgence, rather than valuing the
free wine and milk offered by the Lord (Isa. 55:1). He thought sinful pleasures could provide greater
fulfillment than walking with God.
The onset of the mid-life crisis may reveal how a man saccomplishments have been motivated too muchby
a love for the world (or the human glory of achievement) and not enough by a love for God. In mid-life the
old bread of the world starts losing its taste, so a man may be driven to overcome his boredom and
dissatisfaction by pursuing worldliness in new ways. His response to these difficulties exposes how weak his
trust in God really is, and how far away he is planted from the satisfying rivers of His grace (Jer. 17:5-8).
Perhaps when David sgreatest victories (and the accompanying adulationof the people) were behind him,
his motivationfor battle dried up. In the same way, the man who has made an idol out of sexual pleasure
76

will be severely tempted whenthe flower of his wife s beauty begins to fade and his own virility is waning.
He will seek out lustful diversions, not because of raging hormones (II Tim. 2:22), but rather because he is
desperately trying to recapture the passion of his youth. Others may try to use material possessions to fill
the void, hoping that their toys(i.e. the red convertible) will satisfy them. Others try to recapture their
youthwithanew wardrobe, an intense fitness program, or even plastic surgery. Many eat or drink too
muchas they try to overcome their spiritual emptiness. Some may try to recapture a dream of their youth.
One successful businessman tried to turn back the clock by spending thousands of dollars buying musical
instruments and building a recording studio.
The man in a mid-life crisis needs to realize his problem is not that the world ispassing him by, but rather
that he is not valuing God and finding fulfillment in Him. People still turn to idols seeking the satisfaction
only God canprovide.
How canyou help counselees to overcome (or avoid) mid-life failure?
Teach them these principles from Scripture.
A. Be on your guard. Paultells the Ephesian elders, Be on guard for yourselves (Acts 20:28). He also
tells Timothy, Pay close attention to yourself... (I Tim. 4:16). The Proverb reminds us, Watch overyour
heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life (Prov. 4:23).
1. Don t think it can t happen to you. Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed that he does
not fall (I Cor. 10:12). The scriptural examples of David, Noah, and others; along with men of God in
recent years who have fallen should serve as a warning to all of us. It ispossible for a person to have a true
walk with God (David was a manafter God s own heart), to be used of God, and yet to fall. 8 Perhaps
Christian leaders are most vulnerable because they may think they are so spiritual that they are beyond such
sins. Beware that Satan will never stop trying to destroy you (I Pet. 5:8).
2. Neglect of the small things can lead to a big disaster. Just as a newly conceived life in the womb is
tiny, sin which is conceived in the heart can seem very small (James 1:15). The neglect of private Bible
reading to feed one s own soul or a loss of fervency in private prayer will long be unnoticed by others.
Lowered personal standards for the use of the television or the internet, or indulging private lusts and
fantasies can seem harmless. A man may become slack in his work habits with no visible impact on the
results of his job or ministry performance. Sooner or later the embryonic lust will give birth to sin which has
deadly consequences. Small sins must be aborted in the womb of the heart before they grow to full term.
3. It is possible for a spiritual leader to carry on his official duties with apparent success while
harboring secret sin. David continued to function as king and as judge (II Sam. 12:1-5). He probably
continued to participate in the external rituals of worship (lest he be suspected). I never cease to be amazed
at how fallen pastors can continue to preach the Word of God, give counsel, and administer the church until
they are caught. An experienced man may be able to fool the people in his church, his spouse, and perhaps
evenhimself. The abilityto go through the motions of ministry reflects a frightening hardness of heart.
4. Remember the consequences of your fall. Even though David was forgiven by God, he paid a steep
price for his wickedness (II Sam. 12:10-15). Men who stray fail to count the cost to their wives, their
children, their personal reputations and to the Name of Christ. 9 It may take many years for a church to
recover from the betrayal of an unfaithful shepherd. His family may never recover. The man who falls into
immorality is like a stupid ox going to the slaughter (Pr. 7:22). He doesn t realize the calamityhe is
bringing upon himself and others.
8 The fact that a man has fallen does not invalidate his past ministry. We don t remove David s early Psalms from the Canon
because they were written by a man who later committed murder and adultery. In the same way the work of a man who has
badly stumbled is not necessarily invalidated. This does not, however, change the fact that he is no longer qualified for office
(See I Tim. 3:1f).
9 Perhaps the sternest indictment of David was that his actions had given the enemies of the LORD occasion to blaspheme (II
Sam. 12:14).
77

B. Seek help. Don t wait for Nathan to appear on your doorstep.
1. Make yourselfaccountable. Be open with your wife and with your fellow church leaders about the
state ofyour soul. Pray with them. Invite themto ask you the hard questions about your contentment, your
zeal, your use of your time, etc.
2. If you are living alie, come clean. One thing that grieves me about Christian leaders who have
fallen into sinis that they seem to only confess after they are caught. The cost of exposing themselves
seems to be too great. They fool themselves into thinking they can free themselves from bondage and then
go onas if it had never happened. When David kept silent about his sin he was miserable (Ps. 32:3-4).
Whenhe confessed his sin, God forgave him(Ps. 32:1-2,5). Though David despised God, God does not
despise a broken and contrite heart (Ps. 51:17). It is better to face your sin, even with its consequences, and
be right with God than to live a lie.
C. Remain faithful to your present call.
1. Continue to cultivate the gifts and opportunities God has given you. Paulencouraged Timothy
to kindle afresh the gift of God which is in you (II Tim. 1:6). The fire which remains unkindled will go
out. Continue to make a study of ministry: preaching, counseling, and shepherding God s flock. Learn new
and better ways you canserve the Lord.
2. Pursue every phase of your life as a vocation from God. Whatever you do, do your work heartily,
as for the Lord, not men (Co. 3:23). If it is conquering nations, do it as unto the Lord. If it is establishing
new churches which grow to thousands in attendance, do it to the glory of God. But if God has called you
to something less exciting, be satisfied with the place God has given you and do it with all of your heart. If it
was David s calling in the last half ofhis life to faithfully administer the land, he should have done it withthe
same faithfulness and zeal by which he conquered it. If it is God s call for you to be a faithful pastor of a
small flock, without receiving human recognition, then do it with all of your heart. If your career has
reached its plateau, then serve God in that job withallof your strength. If you need to find a new vocation,
pursue it heartily.
3. Make good use of the time God has given you. He is not done with you yet. He has allotted you
afixed amount of time on this earth to serve him. Every hour should be carefully used for His glory. So
teach us to number our days, that we may present to You a heart of wisdom (Psalm90:12). He haskept
you here for a reason. You may have many more years of fruitful labor ahead of you. Even though our
culture worshipsyouth, Scripture honors the wisdom of those with age and experience (Pr. 20:29). Pray
God willcontinue to favor your life s labor and establish the works of your hands (Ps. 90:17).
4. Be determined to finish well. David wanted to quit before the warfare had ended. In contrast, the
Apostle Paul expressed a passionate desire to complete his race without being disqualified (I Cor. 9:27 II
Tim. 4:6-8). As you see others stumble into immorality, greed, or simply losing heart, pray God will give
you the endurance to run with all of your heart until the end, without falling.
D. Find your joy in the LORD.
1. Put off the false hope of satisfaction or bliss from earthly things (Isa. 55:2). Like Solomonin
Ecclesiastes, you will discover worldly pleasures and treasures are vain. If your hope is not heavenly, you
will be bored, for there truly is nothing new under the sun. Deal honestly with your idols. Destroy them
before they destroy you.
2. Cultivate a living relationship with God. Feed uponChrist as the bread of life (John6:51). Be
satisfied with the wine and milk whichGod offers without money and without cost (Isa. 55:1). Be alert to
anypharasaical formalism in your personal devotional life.
3. Be thankfulfor God s past faithfulness to you (I Thess. 5:18). David had forgotten all of the
wonderful things God had done for him. We should follow the pattern of some of the Psalms by continually
reminding ourselves of all of the great things God has done in our lives. He has always met our material
needs. He has blessed us in our homes and in our churches. His past faithfulness, in the earlier phases of
our lives, is the basis for our confidence in the future.
78

4. Learn the secret of being content in the present (Phil. 4:11f). Remember God s sovereignty. He
has given you what is best: your wife, your children, your ministry, your money, your health, your friends,
etc.
5. Keep a redemptive focus. Your value and significance are based upon the work of Christ, not your
earthly achievements. Find your delight and identity in what Christ has done for you.
6. Live in light of the future (I John 3:2-3 II Pet. 3:11 II Cor. 4:17-18). If age 40 were truly midlife,
it would be a crisis. If the only phases of life to look forward to were retirement and death, you would
have cause for alarm. The believer always has a hope beyond earthly dreams of marriage, children, and
vocational success. One day we will be with Christ and we will be like Him. The years we spend here are
to be spent in light of the eternity we will enjoyinHis presence.
7. Yourlegacy is in heaven. If the Lord tarries, you almost certainly will be forgotten after two
generations pass (Ecc. 2:16). Earthly treasures and reputations are fading. Store up treasure in heaven
which is secure and eternal! (Mt. 6:19-21).
79

David sCatastrophic Sin. II Samuel 11:1-5
I. Introduction.
A. We have come to one of the most tragic chapters in the entire Bible.
B. I thank God for recording this incident in Hisperfect Word.
1. It shows that the Bible is honest about its heroes. Jer. 17:5-6
2. It serves as a warning to us against sin and presumption. I Co. 10:12
3. It is instructive about how temptation and sin occur, so that we might be able to
resist and escape.
4. It accurately portrays the ugliness and the consequences of sin.
5. It offers hope to the worst of sinners who repents. Ps. 32 51
6. It reminds us that no earthly hero will suffice. We need a better king than David.
II. David falls into sin. v. 1-5
A. David did not fall suddenly there were harbingers to David s fall. v. 1-2a
1. Rather than seeking and enjoying personal intimacy with one wife, David had
acquired many wivesfor his own power and pleasure. 5:13 Gen. 2:18ff Dt. 17:17
2. Apparently prosperity and security had put David off his guard. Prov. 30:8-9
3. David has drifted into ingratitude and undervaluing the things of God. 12:7-9
4. David was guilty of neglecting his duties as king. v. 1-2a 10:9ff I Sam. 8:20
B. Sin follows a progression -- first, sin is conceived in the heart. v. 2b-3 James 1:13-14
1. Don t try to blame God when you are tempted. Js. 1:13-14 Gen. 3:12
2. Sin occurs, not because of temptation from the outside, but from within our
hearts. Js. 1:13-14 Mark7:14-23
3. David sees beautiful Bathsheba bathing. v. 2a I Sa. 16:12
4. Temptation often enters through the eye-gate . Gen. 3:6 I Jo. 2:16 IIPe. 2:14
Num. 15:39
5. David then moves from looking, to entertaining lustful thoughts as he inquires
about the bathing woman. v. 3a Mt. 5:28
6. The answer David received should have stopped him in his tracks. v. 3b 23:39,34
C. Sinful desire in the heart ultimately results in the tragic act of sin. v. 4 Js. 1
1. David sends for Bathsheba, thus involving others in his crime.
2. He takes her. 12:4,9,11 Lev. 18:22
3. The description of David ssin with Bathsheba is succinct. v. 4a
4. Afterwards Bathsheba went home.
D. What responsibility does Bathsheba bear?
1. Shouldn t she been more modest, realizing that she could be seen? I Tim. 2:9
2. Shouldn t she have refused David s advances? Deut. 22:22-24
3. Herhusband Uriah was not afraid to stand up to David. v. 11
4. It is ironic that she is so concerned about outward ceremonial cleanness while
violating the seventh commandment against adultery. v. 4b Lev. 15:25ff
E. Finally sin brings forth deadly consequences. v. 5 Js. 1:15b Pr. 6:32-33 7:26f Dt. 22:22
1. The conception of a child, which should be an occasion for great joy, is seen as a
tragedy. I Sam. 1:19ff Ps. 127:1ff
2. David s attempts to cover up his guilt will only compound his sin. v. 6ff Nu.
32:23
3. David s sin will affect him and many others for the rest of his life. Gal. 6:7f
4. Sexual sin is not merely a private matter which involves only two people.
81

III. How can we avoid falling into sin?
A. Be on your guard.
1. Don t think that it can t happen to you. I Co. 10:12 I Pe. 5:8
2. Guard your heart. Prov. 4:23
3. Guard your eyes. II Tim. 2:22
4. Also protect your thoughts. Phil. 4:8-9
5. Neglect of the small things can lead to a big fall. Js. 1:15
6. Don t think that you can toy with sin without experiencing the consequences.
7. Sinful desire indulged will produce sinfulacts.
8. Don t be a stumbling block to others.
B. Nurture your own relationship with the Lord - don t let your love for Him grow cold.
Mt. 22:37 II Tim. 2:22 Rev. 2:5 Rom. 8:13
1. If you are walking closely with God, you will not be vulnerable to sin. Gen. 39:9
2. Remember who you are. Rom. 6:11 Col. 3:5
3. Pray that He will keep you from temptation. Mt. 6:13 Luke 22:40 Jude 1:24
C. Stay busy fulfilling God s calling on your life. Col. 3:23 II Ti. 1:6
1. You are especially vulnerable to temptation when you are negligent of your
duties. I Th. 5:7
2. Stay busy in your vocation, in your family and in your church.
D. Guard your marriage. Gen. 2:18ff Eph. 5:22ff Prov. 5:15ff I Co. 7:2ff
Song of Solomon
E. If you have started to give in to temptation, abort the sin before it is too late.
Gen. 39:6ff II Tim. 2:22 Mt. 5:29-30 Rom. 6:12-14 8:13 I Co. 10:13
1. At every stage David could have chosen to turn from his sin. Job 31:1
2. Take radical action to kill your sin before it kills you. Mt. 5:29f Rom. 8:13
3. Seek accountability.
4. The longer you wait, the worse the consequences will become.
F. God offers hope and grace to fallen sinners.
1. The significance of David s fall goes beyond merely warning us about
temptation. I Co. 10:11
2. David, for all of his excellent qualities, was not able to fulfill God s covenant.
3. We need someone greater than David to be our King.
4. Jesus is the Son of David who never sins or fails. He is a King who gives.
5. Jesus comes to the aid of those who are tempted. Heb. 2:18
6. Jesus forgives those who confess and forsake their sin. I Jo. 1:8-10 Ps. 32
Discussion questions
1. What in David s life made him vulnerable to temptation?
2. How does David s fall into sin follow the progression described in James1:14-15?
3. How could and should David have aborted his sin at every stage?
4. What other temptations can enter through the eye gate ?
5. Was Bathsheba guilty or was she merely a victim of David s sin?
6. How would you answer the person who says that sexual sin is a private matter which
involves only two people?
7. What can you do to protect yourself from falling into serious sin?
8. Why is idleness dangerous?
9. How does this passage point to Christ?
82

I. Introduction and review.
The LORD Confronts David s Sin. II Samuel 12:1-12
II. The LORD pursues wayward David. v. 1a
A. The LORD takes action.
1. In the previous chapterDavid seemed to be in control sending. 11:1,3,4,6,14,27
2. Now the LORD finally takes action and sends someone. Deut. 17:15,20
3. Why does God wait so long? Ps. 32:3-4
B. The LORD s action was necessary.
1. David would not have sought God on his own.
2. How do we hide from God? Gen. 3:8 Jonah 1
C. The LORD s action is comforting pursuing grace. Pr. 3:11-12 Heb. 12:5-11
1. Though real believers may fall into sin, the LORD will not let them remain in sin.
Isa. 49:14-16 Mt. 18:12-14 Hosea
2. Because our eternal security depends upon God and not us, a true believer cannot lose
his or her salvation. John 10:27-29 Rom. 8:29-30 I Pe. 1:3-5
3. God sworkof preserving us includes not merely oureternal security, but also our
perseverance in following Him. John 10:27 I Jo. 2:3-4 Eph. 2:10
4. The LORD s process of disciplinary restoration may be hard and unpleasant.
Jonah 1:4ff Ps. 119:67,71 He. 12:11,8
5. It is possible for a person who professes to be a believer to have never been truly
converted. Mt. 7:21-23 I Jo. 2:3-4 Heb. 12:8
D. The LORD sends Nathan to confront David.
1. Nathan is given adangerous and difficult assignment. Pr. 20:2 Mt. 14:3-10
2. The fact that a prophet could speak this way to a ruler is a reminder that the LORD is
the true king of Israel.
E. The LORD still uses human messengers to confront and restore His wayward people.
1. Shepherds (Pastors/Elders) have a special duty to seek out wandering sheep.
I Pe. 5:1-5 Acts 20:28 Ps. 23
2. God calls upon each of us to do what Nathan did in confronting sin. Gal. 6:1
Matthew 18:15-20 Heb. 10:24 Rom. 15:14 James 5:20 Pr. 27:5-6 Lev. 19:17
3. We have to overcome our own reluctance and fear. Pr. 29:25
4. Not every sinner responds as well as David ultimately does. Pr. 9:7-8a 15:12
5. Do you welcome rebuke and admonition? Pr. 9:8b-9 17:10
6. We allneed people who love us enough to confront us when we are in sin. Pr. 27:6
III. The LORD, through Nathan, exposes David s sin. v. 1b-6
A. Nathan uses a parable to reach David. v. 1b-4
1. How does he come up with such a great story? II Pe. 1:21
2. Why is this story especially appropriate forDavid? 5:2 ISam. 16:11 Ezek. 34:23
3. The parable is wonderfully crafted. 12:8-9 16:21 Pr. 6:30ff
4. Such parables are used elsewhere in the Scripture. 14:1-20 Jdg. 9:6ff Isa. 5:1ff
I Ki. 20:35ff Ezek. 17:2-10 Mt. 13:3
5. Does David realize that this is merely a story?
83

B. David reacts in judgmental anger. v. 5-6
1. Even though David sconscience has been hardened, he still has a strong sense of right
and wrong. Ex. 22:1 Luke 19:8
2. Those who are caught up in sin still function as moralagents at least when it comes
to others. Mt. 7:1ff
3. David unknowingly pronounces sentence upon himself.
4. This is a reminder of how we can be blinded and deceived by oursin. Heb. 3:13
C. How can we be wise and creative (like Nathan) in confronting one another?
1. We must keep in mind that most people don t like to be confronted.
2. Before you go, pray and prepare. Pr. 25:11-12 Mt. 7:1ff
3. Be sure you have proof.
4. It is often much better to help the guilty party form his or her own conclusion.
5. Approach one another gently: your goal is not to crush, but to bring to healing
repentance. Gal. 6:1 Pr. 15:1,4
6. The sharpest sword you have is God s Word. Heb. 4:12 Eph. 6:17
IV. The LORD through Nathan condemnsDavid ssin You are the man! v. 7-12
A. Nathan follows the typical prophetic pattern of a covenant lawsuit.
1. Recalling God sfaithfulness to the covenant. v. 7-8
2. Exposing the covenant breaker sunfaithfulness. v. 9
3. Setting forth the sanctions for disobedience. v. 10-12
B. I (the LORD) have greatly blessed you -- position, protection, and prosperity. v. 7b-8
C. You (David) have broken the covenant through your adultery and murder. v. 9, 14a
1. You have despised the Word of the LORD. v. 9 Ps. 51:4
2. You have given the LORD s enemies cause to blaspheme. v. 14
D. You and yourfamily will suffer the consequences of your sin. v. 10-12,14b
1. The punishment fits the crime: murder and adultery in David s house. Ex. 21:24 II
Sam 12:18 13:8ff 18:14-15 I Ki. 2:24
2. David ssin has a national and a covenental dimension.
E. Application: We need to take our sin seriously.
1. Ingratitude is at the root of our sin.
2. When we sin we are guilty of despising God Himself. Ps. 51:4
3. It is only when we understand the wickedness of our sin that we can fully appreciate
the greatnessof God s grace. Mark 2:17
V. Concluding applications.
Discussion questions:
1. Have you ever been condemned by the words of your mouth?
2. Whose responsibility is it to confront sin in the church?
3. What is the role of family members in confronting each other with sin?
4. How receptive are you to correction? Do you have any Nathans in your life?
5. How can you follow Nathan s example when you have to correct others?
6. Why do many people lack the courage to confront sin in others?
7. Why do people need to understand God s law and theirsin before they can appreciate the
gospel?
8. How does this text point to Christ?
84

Learning from Joseph sTemptation: Genesis 39
I. Introduction and review.
A. Joseph s jealous brothers sold him as a slave in Egypt. 37:1-36 39:1
B. Meanwhile, back in Canaan... things are bad in the chosen family. Genesis 38
1. Judah marries a Canaanite woman. v. 1-5 28:1 Mal. 2:15-16 II Co. 6:14
2. His first two sons are so wicked that God takes their lives. v. 6-10
3. Judah breaks his promise to his daughter-in-law, Tamar. v. 11
4. Judah commits immorality with what he thinks to be a shrine prostitute.
v. 12-19
5. Tamar has Judah s sons thereby preserving the messianic line. v. 20-30
Mt. 1:3
6. Why is Genesis 38 in the Bible? 35:2 43:32 46:34
a. The chosen family needs to get away from the corrupting influence of
Canaan.
b. Joseph s faithfulness stands in sharp contrast to the wickedness of his
family.
II. God prospers Joseph both as a slave and as a prisoner. v. 1-6, 19-23
A. Joseph resists many temptations while in Egypt.
1. Joseph resists the temptation to conform to Egyptian religion. 39:9b
2. Joseph resists temptationsto self pity, despair, and even anger against God.
B. Joseph is again exalted as he is given significant responsibility.
1. He works hard, as unto the Lord, and gains the trust ofhis master.
2. He rises from being the lowliest of slaves to the master of Potiphar s house.
v. 2-6
3. Later he becomes the manager of the prison. v. 21-23
C. The secret to Joseph s success is that God is with him. 39:2-3,21,23 Pr. 10:22 Acts 7:9
1. God has given Joseph unique administrative gifts.
2. God supernaturally blesses Joseph s work.
3. Potiphar recognizes that Joseph ssuccess came from God. v. 3 30:27 12:1-3
III. Joseph resists temptation from a desperate housewife. v. 6b-18
A. Why did Mrs. Potiphar seekto seduce Joseph? v. 6b,14 29:17 12:11 27:7 24:11
I Sa. 16:7 Mt. 5:28 I Corinthians. 10:12 Rom. 12:2
B. Potiphar s wife launches a threefold attack on Joseph s purity.
1. She surprises him with a sudden unexpected proposition. v. 7 Pr. 7:6f
2. She tries to wear him down with a lengthy war of attrition. v. 10 Judg. 14:17
16:16
3. She goes for broke with a final frontal assault. v. 11-12a
C. Joseph overcomes temptation with a threefold defense.
1. He gives her a well-reasoned refusal. v. 8-9
a. Joseph correctly identifies her temptation as wickedness and sin.
b. He refuses because of his loyalty to her husband. Pr. 6:32-35
c. Sin is unthinkable because of his loyalty to God.
2. He avoids her and keeps busy in his vocation. v. 10b Pr. 5:8 Mt. 5:29-30
I Sa. 11
85

3. Finally, he flees. II Tim. 2:22.
4. Joseph succeeds where others have failed. 35:22 38:16 II Sa. 11:1f Jdg. 14:17
16:16
D. Joseph is falsely accused of attempted rape, leading to his imprisonment. v. 13-20
1. Mrs. Potiphar s lust quickly turns to hatred. v. 13 II Sam. 13
2. Joseph again suffers for his righteousness. Ps. 105:17-18
IV. How does what happened to Joseph apply to us?
A. Workhard in yourvocation so that you might bring blessing to your employer and
glory to God. Gen. 2:2 Ex. 20:9-10 Col. 3:23-24 Eph. 6:5-8 I Pe. 2:18,21 Mt. 5:18
B. Beware of temptation.
1. You willbe tempted, even (especially?) if you are doing God s will.
2. Don t think you can t fall into sin. I Cor. 10:12 Pr. 7:22
3. Don t you be the tempter. Pr. 7:10f Rom. 12:2 Js. 4:4 I Ti. 2:9
4. Learn to recognize temptation for what it really is. Pr. 2:16-19
5. What people often call love is often nothing but selfish lust, which can quickly
turn to hatred. II Sam. 13:15
C. You can gain victory over temptation.
1. Overcome temptation by valuing your relationship with God above all else.
Pr. 1:7 2:1f 15:3 4:23 Isa. 55:1f I Cor. 6:15-20 Ps. 51:4 Heb. 13:4 Num. 32:23
2. Overcome temptation by thinking of the rights and welfare of others.
3. Avoid tempting situations and stay busy. Pr. 5:8 Job 31:1 Mt. 5:29-30
4. When necessary, flee temptation. II Tim. 2:22 I Cor. 6:18
5. Count the cost of giving in to temptation. Gal. 6:7 Pr. 6:27f 7:21f
6. God willnot allow you to be tempted beyond your ability. I Cor. 10:13
Rom. 6:18
D. A believercan overcome any temptation or hardship by God sstrength. I Cor. 10:13
1. You don t have to be embittered when others abuse you.
2. God iswith you even in the midst of trials and temptations. Mt. 28:20 Heb.
13:5-6
3. Your faithfulness to God may not be rewarded in this life. Mt. 5:10-12
4. You can grow in the midst of adversity. Phil. 1:29 I Pe. 4:12-16 II Cor. 4:7-10
V. Concluding applications.
A. God is still sovereignly working out His perfect plan. Rom. 8:28
1. Chains cannot hinder God s plan for Joseph. 50:20 II Ti. 2:9 Ps. 105:17f
2. Joseph is being prepared for his future work. 42:23 43:32 Rom. 8:28
B. How does our text point to Christ?
1. He successfully resists temptation as he trusts God. Mt. 4:1f
2. He learns through his suffering. Heb. 5:7-8
3. He suffers as the result of his faithfulness.
4. He is falsely accused.
5. He is silent before his accusers. Isa. 53:7 I Pe. 2:19-23
6. God prospers Him because of His faithfulness in suffering. Isa. 53:10
86

Life Dominating Problems: Drugs, Alcohol, Etc.
I. Introduction.
A. All kinds of addictions/diseases: drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, etc. I Co. 6:19-20
B. The problem is not a sickness, but rather sin!
C. The problems with alcoholics anonymous (and other 12 step programs).
1. AHigherPower, but not necessarily the God of the Scriptures.
2. Acounterfeit (replacement) church.
3. You are characterized by your addiction for life.
4. Seeking recovery without biblical repentance, redemption, and reconciliation.
II. The chief problem isidolatry.
A. Sinners seek to find the satisfaction which is to be found only in the Lord in the things
of the world. Pr. 21:17 23:29-35
1. Food and drinkwhich does not satisfy. Isa. 55:1-3
2. Broken cisterns. Jer. 2:13
B. You are aslave to sin (powerless). Ro. 6:17 Pr. 23:29-35
C. The good news is that in Christ you can be set free from sin.
III. The answer: put off and put on. Eph. 4:22-24
A. Put off (quit) the old behavior.
1. In Christ you are a new creation. You are no longerwhat you used to be.
II Co. 5:17 I Co. 6:9-11
2. God will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you can bear. I Co. 10:13
3. Stay away from companions and situations which might bring temptation.
Pr. 23:19-20 I Pet. 4:2-5 I Co. 15:33 5:11 Mt. 5:29-30
B. Put on (start) new behavior.
1. Find your rest, consolation, and pleasure in Christ.
2. Enjoy earthly blessings in moderation with thankfulness to God. I Tim. 4:1-5
3. Invest your time and money in the work God has given you: family, church, etc.
Eph. 5:15-18
IV. Conclusion: hope for addicts.
87

Wisdom from Proverbs about Substance Abuse
I. Introduction and Review.
A. A controversialsubject.
B. Wine is used to represent both good and evil. 4:17 3:10
C. Substance abuse is a growing problem.
II. What Doesthe Bible Say about Drinking?
A. There is a legitimate use for wine.
1. Wine is is a symbol of prosperity, celebration and blessing. 9:2 3:10 Ecc. 9:7
Ps. 104:14-15 Judges. 9:13 Joel3:18
2. While the alcohol content of wine in biblical times was less than modern liquor,
it was still potentially intoxicating. John 2:10 Acts 2:15 Luke 7:33-34
3. Wine was used for medicinal purposes. 31:6-7 Luke 10:34 Mt. 21:28 I Ti. 5:23
4. There is nothing in the Bible condemning the use of alcoholic beverages in
moderation.
B. Drunkenness is sinful and foolish! 20:1 Isa. 5:11-12,22 Eph. 5:18 Gal. 5:21 Dt. 21:20
Ro. 13:13 Lu 21:34
1. You harm yourself. Jer. 51:7
a. You lose controlof yourself and become unfit for your responsibilities.
31:4-5
b. You will hurt physically. 23:29,32-35
c. You lose financially: destitution. 23:21 21:17
d. You are more prone to indulge in other sins: fighting, sexual immorality,
blasphemy, drugs. 23:35 20:1 Gen. 19:32ff
2. You hurt others.
3. Ultimately you are sinning against your Creator and Master. I Co. 6:9,19-20
C. Why do people abuse intoxicating substances? A problem of the heart.
1. People try to escape reality.
2. People love pleasure rather than God. 23:31 II Tim. 3:4 Phil. 3:19
3. Ultimately the love of pleasure is idolatry: Seeking in substances the satisfaction
which can only be found in the LORD. 20:1 Isa. 55:1-2 Ecc. 2:10-11 Luke
16:25
4. The same applications could be made to people who seek satisfaction in food
(gluttony), material things (greed), etc. 23:20-21 21:17
III. How can a Substance Abuser be Set Free?
A. The recovery movement (AA/12 step) is unscientific and unbiblical. (See The Useful
Lie, by William L. Playfair, M.D.)
1. AA teaches that substance abuse is a disease: The medical model/recovery.
a. The alcoholic is born with the disease and is powerless.
b. When he is exposed to the substance, he is under control of the
addiction.
c. The key to recovery is forthe abuserto identify oneself as an alcoholic.
d. The alcoholic must participate in AA group meetings for the rest of his
life.
e. The alcoholic must totally abstain from alcohol.
f. The recovery modelis also being used for gambling, narcotics, theft, and
sexual sin.
g. This model of addiction is not supported by medical research (See
Playfair).
89

2. The Bible teaches that substance abuse is sin: The moral model/redemption.
a. While it is true that we are all born sinful and that some may be more
tempted by some sins than others, we are responsible for rebelling
against God slaw.
b. People become addicted by making sinful choices. Jn 8:34 I Co. 6:12
c. Believers are no longer enslaved to sin (or substances). Ro. 6:18
d. We find our identity in Christ. I Co. 6:9-11
3. AA is a counterfeit religion.
a. Acounterfeit book (and decalogue).
b. Acounterfeit theology: The Higher Power: God as you understand
Him
c. Acounterfeit anthropology: The disease model, codependency.
d. Acounterfeit redemption experience: admission that you are an
alcoholic.
e. Acounterfeit identity: Alcoholic versus Christian. I Co. 6:9-12
f. Acounterfeit church: Fellowship, discipleship, etc.
g. Counterfeit evangelism.
4. Is it worthwhile to have Christian 12 step programs? Lev. 18:3ff
Col. 2:3,8-10
5. Should we encourage unbelievers to go into 12 step programs?
B. Biblical recovery from substance abuse. Eph. 5:18 4:22-24 Ro. 13:13-14
1. Put off sin. Do not get drunk with wine. Ro. 13:13 I Pet. 4:3
a. Repent: II Co. 7:10-11
b. Look to God to forgive you through Christ. I John 1:8-2:2
c. As a new creature in Christ. Old things have passed away. II Co. 5:17 I
Co. 6:11
d. You are no longera slave to sin. Ro. 6:18
e. Live a life of sobriety and self control. Gal. 5:23 I Co. 6:12
2. Put on righteousness. Be filled with the Spirit. Ro. 13:14 6:18 Gal. 5:16
a. Be controlled by the Holy Spirit instead of substances.
b. Find your pleasure and satisfaction in Christ s spiritual blessings.
Isa. 55:3
c. Enjoy earthly blessings in moderation to the glory of God with
thankfulness. 25:16 ITi. 4:4-5 I Co. 10:31
d. Invest your time and energy in your God given vocation. Eph. 5:15-18
C. Practice Biblical confrontation/discipline. Matt. 18:15-20
1. Level 1: Self control.
2. Level 2: Personal confrontation: 1 on 1. Mt. 18:15 Gal. 6:1 Eph. 4:15
3. Level 3: Confrontation with 2 or 3 witnesses. Mt. 18:16
4. Level 4: Tell it to the church. Mt. 18:17a
5. Level 5: Excommunication. Mt. 18:17b-20 I Co. 5:11 6:9-10
6. After repentance there is restoration. II Co. 2:5-11
D. Does the biblical method always work? Sometimes people choose to remain in sin.
90

IV. Concluding Applications.
A. Make wise personal choices with alcoholic beverages.
1. Don t abuse your liberty by becoming intoxicated or breaking the law.
2. Don t be enslaved to your appetites. Be self controlled. I Co. 6:12 9:27
3. If your conscience is not clear, it is better to abstain. Ro. 14:23 I Co. 10:31
4. Don t put yourself into situations in which you might be tempted to misuse
alcohol. 23:30a I Co. 10:12 I Pet. 2:16 Mt. 5:29-30
a. Evil companions. 23:20 I Pet. 4:3 I Co. 15:33
b. Don t assume that it couldn t happen to you. I Co. 10:12 Gen. 9:20ff
5. Don t abuse your liberty by causing a weaker brother to stumble. Ro. 14:21
Gal. 5:13 I Co. 8:13
B. The key issue is your heart. 4:23
Discussion Questions
1. What does wine symbolize in the Bible?
2. What are some legitimate functions of wine?
3. Why is substance abuse sinful?
4. What are some of the consequences of drunkenness?
5. Why do people drink?
6. How is Alcoholics Anonymous a counterfeit religion?
7. How can adrunkard oran addict find help to overcome his sin?
8. What should you do if someone you love is misusing alcohol?
9. When is it wrong to drinkwine?
10. What is yourpersonal belief about drinking alcoholic beverages?
91

The Pain of Porn
I. Introduction.
A. Agrowing problem, even among Christians.
B. The key to sexual purity. Pr. 4:23 I Th. 4:3-5
C. Three key issues: idolatry, lies, and narcissism.
II. Sexis meant to be a blessing.
A. God created sex as good.
1. To express the oneness of the marriage covenant. Gen. 2:24 4:1
2. To produce children. Gen. 1:27-18 Ps. 127
3. For the mutual enjoyment of husband and wife. Prov. 5:18-18 Deut. 24:5
Heb. 13:4 Song of Solomon 1:2,13-16 7:1-10 4:1-7 5:10-16
B. Evil is not merely the opposite of good, but the perversion of the good.
1. The opposite of sexual sin is not no sex, but goodsex .
2. The opposite of good sex (within marriage) is not no sex, but perverse sex.
C. God s ideal is that you direct all of your sexual energy (including thoughts) towards your
spouse. Mt. 5:27-28 Pr. 6:25 7:25 Song 4:12-15
1. Don t try to excuse yourself by narrowing the definition of adultery!
2. Jesus makes God s standard plain: Purity begins in the heart.
3. Solo sex is a violation of God s design. Sex is to be relational and other focused.
4. Our culture promotes sexual sin.
III. Lust is very destructive.
A. It affects your relationship with God. Ps. 51:4 32:3-4 Gen. 39:9
1. Sexual sin is primarily a sin against God. Ps. 51:4 I Cor. 6:15-20
2. Yoursin creates separation with God: broken fellowship. Ps. 32:3-4
3. Repent quickly and find grace. Ps. 32:5,9
B. It affects your relationship with your spouse.
1. Youareviolating your marriage covenant.
2. Youarerobbing your wife of what is rightfully her possession: all of your
sexuality.
I Cor. 7:4
3. Yourattitude towards your wife is affected.
4. She willbewounded. Trust will break down.
5. You put your marriage at risk.
C. It affects others under your influence: your children.
1. King David s example. II Sam. 13 16:20-21 I Kings 11
2. Willyou be able to provide moral leadership for your family?
D. It affects you personally. Pr. 5:11-13,22-23
1. Sinmakes you miserable. Ps. 32:3-4
2. It leads to more sin. James 1:14-15
3. It can lead to sickness or even death. Pr. 6:25-35 5:21-23 7:22-27 Num. 32:23
E. Specialconsiderations for single men.
1. Lust now affects your relationship with your future spouse.
2. Getting married will not solve your lust problems.
93

IV. Guard yourself from lust. How to counsel someone who struggles with lust.
A. Make a covenant with yourself. Job. 31:1,9
1. Stay as far away from temptation as possible. Pr. 5:8 Don t go near her door.
2. Set boundaries (hedges).
a. I will not be alone in a car or a room with a woman other than my wife.
b. I will not become involved in a close friendship with a woman without my
wife (and her husband) being a significant part of that relationship.
c. Conversations with a woman, in a situation where my wife and her
husband are not present, will be brief and businesslike.
d. I will not flirt. I Tim. 5:2
e. When I see a tempting situation, I (like Job) will look away. II Sam. 11:2
f. When I struggle, I will seek help.
3. Beware of rationalizing. Pr. 30:20
4. Don t trust yourself. I Co. 10:12 Pr. 5:8 14:12
5. When does a look become lustful?
B. Be prepared to take radical action. Mt. 5:29-30 Rom. 13:14
1. When tempted, RUN and don t look back. II Tim. 2:22 Gen. 39:8-13
2. Cut off TV, internet. Get/keep books, magazines, and videos out of house.
3. Notice patterns of sin: idle time.
4. Take every thought captive. II Co. 10:5 Phil. 4:8-9. Mt. 15:19
C. Seek help: accountability and prayer. Js. 5:16 Pr. 27:17 Be Careful. Gal. 6:1-2
D. Draw near to God.
1. Delight yourself in God! Isa. 55:1-2 Pr. 9:1-6 7:4-5
2. Guard your heart. Pr. 4:23 Ps. 51:10
3. TrustHim to help you in times of temptation. I Cor. 10:13
4. Stay busy doing the work He has given you to do. Mt. 6:33
E. Draw near to your wife. Invest in your marriage. I Cor. 7:3-5. Heb. 13:4 Ecc. 9:9
Pr. 5:15-19
V. Helping the wife when her husband struggles with lust.
A. The biggest problem is the loss of trust.
B. The husband must be honest and accountable.
C. Howmuch should he tell her?
D. Help the wife to understand that his lust problem is not due to her physical inadequacy.
Sheneeds to find her security in the LORD. Jer. 17:5-8
E. Help the husband to repent and the wife to forgive.
F. Howmuch should the wife check up on her husband?
VI. Conclusion: God offers hope and forgiveness. I Cor. 6:9-11 Ps. 51 32
VII. Recommended resources.
A. An Affair of the Mind, Laurie Hall
B. At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry,Steve Gallagher
C. Every Man s Battle, Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker
D. Fidelity, by Doug Wilson
E. Not Even a Hint, Joshua Harris
F. Pornography: Slaying the Dragon,by David Powlison
94

I. Introduction.
Gluttony, Diet, Fitness and Body Idolatry
A. Food and body idolatry are big issues in ourculture.
B. Food creates many counseling issues.
C. The Bible has a lot to say about food.
1. God has given us a variety of good food to enjoy to His glory. Gen. 1:29-31 9:3
I Tim. 4:3-5 Ps. 105:14-15
2. The first sin had to do with sinful eating. Gen. 3
3. Many other subsequent sins have had to do with food. Gen. 25:27ff 27:1ff
Heb. 12:14-17 Num. 11:4-6 Ps. 78:18 Ex. 16:2ff
4. Plentiful food is a blessing of the Old Covenant. Dt. 28:4-5 Ps. 111:5
5. The curse for covenant unfaithfulness is shortage of food.
Dt. 28:17,23-24,33,38-40 Isa. 3:1
6. Plentiful food is also a New Covenant blessing. Mt. 6:31-33
7. God gives food to mankind as a common grace blessing. Acts 14:17
He even feeds animals and enemies. Ps. 136:25 145:15 Mt. 5:45
8. God brings people together in fellowship around food.
9. Your heart is more important than your body. I Ti. 4:8 I Sam. 16:7 Luke 12:23
Pr. 31:30 I Pe. 3:3-4 I Co. 8:8
10. Our need of food reminds us of our complete dependence upon God. I Ki. 17
11. Physical hunger symbolic of our spiritual need. Mt. 5:6 I Pe. 2:2-3 Ps. 34:8
12. Spiritual food is far more important than earthly food. Mt. 4:4 Dt. 8:3 Jo.
6:31ff
13. Willwe eat in the New Heavens and the New Earth? Lu. 24:30,41-43 John
12:12 Rev. 2:7 19:9
14. There is no biblical command to be thin.
D. The Bible also talks about exercise.
1. Bodily discipline does have some profit. I Tim. 4:8
2. Physical exercise is used illustratively of spiritual discipline. I Co. 9:24ff
II. Sins of the body.
A. Gluttony and overeating. Prov. 23:21
1. The excessive love for and use of food. Phil. 3:19
2. Gluttony violates the sixth commandment. Ex. 20:13 I Co. 6:19-20 Ecc. 5:12
3. Gluttony can be a sin against your spouse. I Cor. 7:3ff Song of Solomon
4. Gluttony is often associated with other sins. Dt. 21:20 Pr. 23:20 28:7 23:21
Mt. 6:25ff Col. 3:9 Eph. 4:25 Phil. 2:3-4 I Cor. 10:10
5. Gluttony can make you less useful to God. I Co. 10:31 6:19-20
6. Not all gluttons are fat.
B. Excessive devotion to physical fitness can also be sinful.
1. One squest to obtain the perfect body can lead to other sins. Js. 4:6 Eph. 4:19
II Pe. 2:2 Luke 21:34 Mt. 6:25ff
2. Making everything in your life revolve around your quest for the perfect body.
3. Some are legalistic about food. I Tim. 4:3 Col. 2:16ff
4. Those who idolize the perfect body sometimes become anorexic or bulimic.
95

C. Food is not the problem. The root sin is idolatry. Ex. 20:3-5 Phil. 3:19 Deut. 6:4
Isa. 55:1-2 Ezek. 14:1-11 Jer. 2:13
1. Food idolatry. Js. 4:1-2
2. Fitnessidolatry.
3. You can be both a glutton and make fitness an idol exercise bulimia.
III. How can those who are stuck in sinful patterns change?
A. The change we seek is unique. Col. 1:28 I Tim. 1:5
1. Our goal is not merely to be thin or to impress other people, but to please and
glorify God. Col. 1:28 I Co. 10:31 IICo. 5:9
2. It is not what you eat which makes you a sinner, but what is in your heart.
Mark 7:14ff Js. 1:14ff Jer. 17:10
3. The change we seek is not outward and physical but inward and spiritual.
4. Seek first God s kingdom and don t worry (think) so much about food. Mt. 6:33
B. Change begins with the gospel.
1. Law alone will not change you. Col. 2:23,19 Rom. 8:3-4 Gal. 3:3
a. Scripture generally begins with the indicative, what God has done for us, as
the ground for imperatives.
b. New Testament commands and exhortations are grounded in the gospel.
Eph. 4:9ff 5:2,25ff Rom. 15:2-3,7
c. Some think of the gospel exclusively for justification, but don t realize its
relevance for sanctification. Gal. 3:3
d. Some biblical counselorsmove too quickly to the imperative (what we do)
without placing enough emphasis upon how the gospel is the basis of change.
2. You are accepted by God, not based upon how thin you are, but because of the
perfect righteousness of Christ. Phil. 3:9
3. What matters most is not what other people think of you, or even what you think
of yourself, but your status with God. Pr. 29:25 I Co. 6:9-11 II Co. 5:17 Ro.
6:11
4. If change begins with the gospel, how do unbelievers lose weight? Mt. 12:43-45
5. Only believers are able to please God. Rom. 8:5-8 14:23 Heb. 11:6 I Co. 10:31
6. We change not through self-reliance, but in total dependance upon God. Jo. 15:5,8
C. Understanding your union with Christ is the key to your growth in holiness. Ro. 6:1ff
1. Paul anticipates an objection to the gospel. Rom. 6:1-2a
2. You can t go on sinning because you are united to Christ. Rom. 6:2b
The gospel rightly understood promotes holiness. Titus 2:14
3. Your old self has died and you are a new person in Christ. Rom. 6:2b-4a,8-10
Gal. 2:20 Col. 3:3-4
4. You are united with Christ in His resurrection. Rom. 6:4b-5,8
5. You have been set free from slavery to sin (including gluttony) to serve
righteousness. Rom. 6:6-7,9b,15-22 Isa. 61:1
6. Now, live in light of who you are in Christ. Rom. 6:12-13
7. No temptation has to overcome you. I Co. 10:13
8. How does this work itself out in practical terms?
D. Christ is better than gluttony (and all of the other idols which tempt us). Isa. 55:1-2
Jer. 15:16 Ps. 34:8 Mt. 11:28ff Jo. 6:53ff 4:10 7:38 Gen. 39:9b Prov. 9:1ff
1. Your gluttony never satisfies you. Ecc. 6:7 Micah 6:14
2. Christ alone satisfies - eat at the Lord s table. Prov. 9:1ff John 6:53-58
96

IV. We are responsible to exert effort towards change.
A. Change takes place through the means of our exerting effort and acting obediently.
Rom. 6:12-13 8:13 13:14 Titus 2:11 12
1. Some wrongfully stop with the indicative, declaring what God has done for us in
Christ, while neglecting the imperatives of what God calls us to do.
2. Immediately after telling us to consider our identity in Christ, Paul exhorts us to
take action against the lusts of the flesh. Rom. 6:12ff
B. Repent (put off). Isa. 55:6-7 1:18 II Co. 10:5 I Jo. 5:21
1. Stop blaming God for your failure. James 1:13
2. Repent of food and body idolatry. I Co. 6:12-13 10:12 Pr. 16:8 11:2 Js. 4:6
Acts 12:22ff
3. Learn to resist inward temptation. I Cor. 10:12-13 James 1:14ff Mt. 26:41
4. Take radical steps to remove outward temptation. Mt. 5:29-30
5. Whatever cannot be eaten in faith is sin. Rom. 14:23
C. Put on glorifying God in your eating and how you care for your body. Titus 2:11-12
1. Love the LORD and feast (spiritually) at His table. Ps. 16:11 1:2 73:25 42:2 63:1
Prov. 9:1ff Isa. 6:4 26:9 55:1-2 John 6:53ff Ecc. 6:7
2. Express prayerful dependence upon God for your food and health. Mt. 6:11
Ps. 40:17 69:33 72:13
3. Nevereat without giving thanks for the food God gives you. I Ti. 4:3-5
I Co. 10:30-31 11:24
4. Be content with the quantity and quality of food God provides for you. I Ti. 6:6ff
Phil. 4:11
5. Be content with the body God has given you. Ps. 139:13-14
6. Live a life of self discipline/control. I Co. 9:27 Gal. 5:22-23 II Pe. 1:5-7,9
7. HonorGod with your body. I Co. 3:16-17 6:20
8. Your motive for obedience is crucial.
9. Look forward to the day when these bodies will be perfected. Phil. 3:21
D. Practical things which you can do.
1. See aphysician before attempting any significant change in your lifestyle.
2. Make aplan forhow you will eat and exercise. Prov. 21:5 I Tim. 4:8
3. Keep arecord of what you eat.
4. Eat slowly and thankfully. I Tim. 4:4-5
5. It is better to establish wise God-honoring habits which will last a lifetime than to
go on a temporary radical diet.
6. Take a day off from food (fasting) and feast at the Lord s Table.
7. Seekgodly accountability. Heb. 3:13 Ecc. 4:9-12
8. Beware of legalism. I Tim. 4:3
E. Your change can have effects which will glorify God. I Co. 10:31 6:19-20 Acts
12:21ff
V. What determines when and whether change takes place?
A. We experience avariety of outcomes in our counseling.
B. Sometimes change doesn t take place in the life of a counselee because he/she is not
regenerate. John 15:2,6 Phil. 1:6 I John 2:3-4 Mt. 7:16ff
97

C. Be careful not to wrongfully judge someone who is overweight. Mt. 7:1ff
D. Personal revivalis like corporate revival: God sees fit to sovereignly work in powerful
ways in the lives of His people at certain times. Jo. 3:8 15:5 Ps. 71:20 85:6
1. We cannot through our counseling skill or technique change people.
2. God alone must do it. John 15:5
E. God uses various means to bring about change.
1. His Word is a powerful agent for change. II Ti. 3:16-17 Heb. 4:12-13 Ps. 119:25
John 15:7
2. We should pray forGod to revive usand ourcounselees.
Ps. 119:25,37,40,88,107,149,154,156,159
3. Sometimes the Lord brings circumstances into our lives to change our course.
Ps. 119:67,71 Heb. 12:4-11 John 15:2 James 1:2ff
4. Sometimes God sends a Nathan to admonish us. Ro. 15:14 Ga. 6:1-2 II Sam. 12
5. Participation in the church community encourages to good deeds. Heb. 10:24-25
VI. Conclusion.
A. Food is important.
B. Food is a symbol of our need of God.
C. God wants us to change and to bear fruit for His glory. John 15:8
D. The gospel is the key to change. Rom. 6:11 John 15:1ff Isa. 55:1-2
E. We are responsible to exert effort to change. Matthew 14:22-33
F. Recommended Resources.
1. Cleveland, The Lord s Table.
2. Fitzpatrick, Love to Eat Hate to Eat.
3. McCoy, Shannon, Help for Habitual Overeaters in Women Counseling Women,
edited by Elyse Fitzpatrick.
4. Piper, A Hunger for God.
5. Welch, Addictions: A Banquet in the Grave.
98

BiblicalFoundations: Marriage Is Made in Heaven. Genesis 2:18-23
I. Introduction and Review.
A. Belief in origins is foundational.
B. A foundational passage about the foundational social institution: A creation ordinance.
Mt. 19:4-5 I Cor. 11:8
II. It is not good for you to be alone. v. 18-20
A. Ashocking evaluation. v. 18 1:4,10,12,18,21,25,31
1. How could something be not good priorto the fall?
2. The situation was not bad or evil, but instead it was lacking.
B. The wife is designed by God to make her husband complete.
1. She is not merely a slave girl or a sex object or a bearer of children.
2. She is a companion to assist the man in carrying out God s mandate to subdue the earth.
2:28
3. Hergifts and abilities complement the strengths and weaknesses of her husband.
C. Marriage is a lifelong covenant relationship between one woman and one man.
v. 19-20, 24 Mt. 19:4-5
1. Why does God bring all of the animals to the man?
2. No other creature is a suitable helper.
3. Only a woman can complete a man (and only a man can complete a woman).
4. Mankind has perverted God sdesign. v. 24 Rom. 1:26-32 Mt. 19:5,8 I Tim. 3:2
Dt. 17:17 I Co. 7:2 (polygamy, divorce, fornication, etc.)
D. God has a gift for everyone.
1. Most of us are incomplete alone.
2. Some are uniquely called to the single life. I Co. 7:1,7-8 Mt. 19:12
3. God gives His gifts of marriage and singleness, not that we might pursue our selfish
pleasures, but that we might glorify Him.
E. Did God create some people to be homosexuals? Js. 1:13
1. Homosexuality is a perversion of God s design. Ge. 1:27 2:24 19:5 Lev. 18:22-25 20:13
Dt. 22:5 I Cor. 6:9 Rom. 1:26-27,32 I Ti. 1:10 Jude 7
2. Why are some people homosexual?
a. Environmental factors? Genetic factors?
b. Such rationale could be used to justify every kind of sin and evil.
c. Homosexuality, like every other sin (i.e. adultery, drunkenness, and fornication), is a
personal choice to rebel against God.
3. Is it all right to be a non-practicing homosexual? Mt. 5:27-28 15:19
a. No more than it is acceptable to be a non-practicing adulterer (lust), murderer (hate),
drunk, or rapist.
b. Sinful thoughts and desires in the heart will lead to sinful acts. Js. 1:13-15
c. We are responsible for how we think. Phi.4:8-9
d. God s grace transforms our thoughts and desires. Ro. 12:2 Ga. 5:24
I Th. 5:23
4. The movement of our society to accept homosexuality is a sign of God s judgment upon
us. Isa. 5:20 Rom. 1:18-27,32 Gen. 19
99

5. The most loving and courageous thing we can do is to call homosexuality sin because God
forgives and transforms. Ps. 119:128. James 5:19-20 I Co. 6:9-11
III.God established your roles as husband and wife from creation.
A. The wife is to submit to her husband s leadership.
1. Male headship was God s design from the beginning. ICo. 11:8-9 I Ti. 2:11-13
2. The woman was made to be a helper to the man. v. 18 I Cor. 11:8-9
3. The man exercises dominion: naming the animals (and woman). v. 19-20,23 3:20
4. The creation account refutes the claims of evangelical feminism. Gal. 3:28
a. Male dominion did not evolve because of the man s superior size or strength
b. Genderroles are not merely a cultural issue.
c. Male headship is not the result of the fall.
d. Male headship was God s design from the beginning.
e. The New Testament proves that wives submission did not end with the cross
Eph. 5:22-24 I Pet. 3:1-6
5. Women are not demeaned by submission.
a. Headship does not imply superiority of personhood, but involves distinction in
function according to God s design.
b. Subordination does not make the woman inferior. I Co. 11:3
c. The servant s role is glorious. Mark 10:42-45
d. The submissive wife fulfills God s design in her life.
6. The fall has distorted the marriage roles. Gen. 3:16 I Pet. 3:1-2,7
a. Women tend to reverse the God-given roles and dominate their husbands. 4:7
b. Men tend to be domineering and insensitive in their leadership.
B. The husband should love and honor his wife. v. 21-23
1. Why did God choose such an unusual method for creating the woman? v. 21-22
2. The husband should respect his wife because she is equally human, in the image of God.
1:27 I Co. 7:8-9 I Pe. 3:7
3. The husband ought to love and cherish his wife as part of himself. Eph. 5:25-30
a. His leadership is to be loving and sacrificial: Eph. 5:25-27
b. He is to care for his wife as part of his own body. v. 23 Eph. 5:28-30
IV. Concluding Applications.
A. Marriage is a Divine institution:
1. The first marriage was not just a mating (like animals) but a covenant ceremony at which
God gave away the bride.
2. Allsubsequent marriages are to follow the pattern of the first.
3. Every marriage involves 3 persons: Man, Woman, and God.
4. Allpeople are accountable to God for how they treat marriage.
5. Those who tamperwith marriage will be judged by God. Heb. 13:4
B. Marriage is meant by God to be a blessing for mankind.
1. Adam rejoices in the spouse God gives him. v. 23 Pr. 18:22
2. God stillbrings together Adams and Eves.
3. Rejoice in the spouse God has given you. v. 23 Pr. 5:18-19
4. The primary goal of marriage is to glorify God.
C. Marriage is designed by God as a picture of our relationship to Him.
100

BiblicalFoundations: God s Directive for Marriage Genesis 2:24
I. Introduction. The Magna Charta of Marriage Mt. 19:5 Mk. 10:7 I Co. 6:16 Eph. 5:31
II. Leave: Your marriage creates a new family unit.
A. Yourmarriage takes priority over any other human relationship.
1. Even the parent-child relationship is temporary and changing.
2. This truth is reflected in the wedding ceremony: the giving away of the bride.
3. Grown children should still honor theirparents. Ex. 20:12 Mark7:9-13
B. Failing to leave (or let go) is a violation of God s design.
1. Geographically: Is it wrong to live in proximity to family members?
a. There are problems when married children live under their parents roof
b. There are situations in which grown children should take care of their aged parents.
Mark 7:9-13 I Tim. 5:8
2. Economically: Is it wrong for parents to help out their children? II Co. 12:14
a. Young people should not get married until they are ready to take on the
responsibilities of marriage. Eph. 5:29
b. Sometimes money comes with strings attached.
c. Undersome circumstances it can be appropriate for parents to help their children.
3. Emotionally: You can t go back to your mother.
a. Some parents won t let go.
b. The harm of a child-centered home.
c. The best thing you can do for your kids is to invest in your own marriage
III. Cleave: Your marriage is a lifelong covenant of companionship.
A. Marriage is permanent: Until death do us part .
1. Marriage is a commitment (contract).
a. The bond that unites a man & woman is not metaphysical, but covenantal.
b. Remember your wedding vows. Ps. 15:4
2. The key to staying together is to eliminate the option of separation or divorce.
3. Marriage is not eternal. Mt. 22:30
B. Marriage is designed by God to be the most intimate of human relationships.
1. Your spouse is to be your best friend: companion and helper . 2:18
2. It takes time and effort to build intimacy: communication.
a. Quantity and quality time.
b. Learn to listen. Js. 1:19 Phil. 2:1-5 Pr. 20:5
c. Learn to express yourself lovingly and openly. Eph. 4:29
C. Violations of God s design.
1. Alow view of the marriage covenant going into the marriage.
2. Divorce. Mt. 19:3-9 Mal. 2:14-16
a. No fault divorce compounds the problem.
b. Divorce is also widespread in the evangelical church.
c. God allows protection for the innocent party when their spouse breaks the marriage
covenant through adultery or abandonment. Mt. 5:32 19:9 I Co. 7:15-16
3. Separation: legal or otherwise. Mt. 19:6 I Co. 7:2-5 I Pet. 3:7
4. Lack of communication and love in marriage. Pr. 17:27-28 18:2 10:8 27:2 Ep.4:29
101

IV. One Flesh: Your marriage is the only place where God s gift of sex is to be enjoyed
A. Why did God create sex? Heb. 13:4
1. The key to understanding sexual morality is to positively affirm what sex is for.
2. The physical union is a symbolic expression of the marriage covenant. 2:24 4:1
3. Sexual union in marriage is meant to produce children. 1:27-28 Ps. 127
a. Children are a blessing from God.
b. God wisely puts children into families to be raised by a mother and a father
c. We are called to fill the earth.
4. The physical union in marriage is meant by God to be pleasurable for both the husband
and the wife. Dt. 24:5 Pr. 5:18-19 Heb. 13:4 Song of Solomon
5. We need to teach our children a healthy biblical view of sex.
B. Any othersexual expression is a violation of God s design. Ecc. 7:29 Ro. 1:18-32
1. Lust: fantasies and pornography. Mt. 5:27-28 James 1:15 Job 31:1 II Sa. 11:2
2. Fornication: Seeking the privileges of marriage without taking on the obligations. Sex
between a man and a woman who are not yet married. Heb. 13:4
3. Adultery: A married person having sex with anyone other than his or her spouse.
Ex. 20:14 I Co. 6:16 Pr. 7:27
4. Other sexualperversion: Homosexuality, etc.
V. Concluding Applications: What God has joined let no man separate! Mt. 19:6
A. Do your part to protect marriage. God is involved in every marriage.
1. Romance is for marriage. If you are single, protect your upcoming marriage by not
leaving, cleaving, and one-fleshing before you are married.
2. Marriage is for romance. If you are married, protect your marriage.
a. Positively: Invest time and effort in marriage relationship: Enjoy the blessings God has
given you!
b. Negatively: Ruthlessly deal with threats to your marriage. Build a hedge
Pr. 14:12 23:26-28 4:23
3. Protect the marriages of others. Keep safe distance. Show respect. Attack: God.
B. Why should you follow God s directives for marriage?
1. God s way will bring you the greatest happiness.
2. God brings consequences to sexual sin. Heb. 13:4
a. Sexually transmitted diseases. Ro. 1:27,32
b. Financial ruin. Pr. 6:26 5:10
c. ASpoiled reputation. Pr. 6:32-33
d. Intense personal emotionalmisery. Pr. 5:22-23 6:32-33 7:23 22:14
e. The disintegration of our social order.
f. The wrath of God. I Co. 6:9f He. 13:4
3. Your sin will find you out. Pr. 5:20-21
4. God Who is sovereign will never let you profit from violating His law.
C. The key to sexual purity is the fear of God. Pr. 9:10
1. Sexualsin is a heart problem: idolatry. Mark 7:21-23 Pr. 4:23
2. The reason so many professing evangelicals are failing in their families is that they have
lost the fear of God!
a. The post-modern evangelical church has become man-centered.
b. Before the church can affect the world, we must be different from the world!
3. If you love God, you will be pure! Gen. 39:9
4. God offers grace to those who turn to Him.
102

I. Introduction and review
Are You an Adulterer? (Part 2: Divorce) Matt. 5:31-32
II. Unlawful divorce and remarriage is adultery.
A. The Jewish teachers corrupted the teaching of the Law. 5:31 Dt. 24:1-4
1. They taught that divorce was allowed, as long as procedures were followed.
2. They broke theirmarriage covenants so that their desires could be gratified
with a different woman. As in our day.
B. Jesus corrects the abuse of divorce. 5:32 19:3-9 Gen. 2:24
1. Marriage is designed by God as a permanent covenant of companionship.
19:4-6
a. Death alone is to end a marriage. The survivor is then free to remarry.
1 Cor. 7:39
Rom. 7:2 1 Tim. 5:14
b. God hatesdivorce! Mal. 2:14-17
c. God s idealis higher than what the law allows. Mt. 19:8
2. Divorce was permitted under the Law only due to hardness of heart.
a. Moses never commanded divorce. 19:7
b. Deuteronomy 24 was not written to give grounds to justify divorce.
c. Divorce was permitted primarily as a safeguard to the one who was put
away.
d. Moses provides a deterrent to divorce: Once you send her away, you
can t get her back if she has since remarried.
3. Sinful divorce leads to adultery. 5:32 19:9
a. He assumes that the one who isdivorced will remarry.
b. Such remarriage is a breach of the 7 th commandment because the first
union was unlawfully severed.
4. Jesus exercises his authority as lawgiver to modify the Mosaic Law.
a. The grounds for divorce are defined and narrowed.
b. The death penalty for adultery is abrogated. John 8:7
c. Polygamy will no longer be tolerated under the New Covenant. 19:5
C. Don t make pharisaicalexcusesfor divorce.
1. My spouse is an unbeliever. 1 Cor. 7:12-13
2. I m doing it for my kids. 1 Cor. 7:14
3. My spouse is a major disappointment.
4. We are incompatible and have irreconcilable differences. I want some peace.
5:9
5. This relationship is too difficult.
6. My marriage istoo constraining. I need my freedom.
7. I didn t realize what I was getting into when I got married.
8. We weren t married in a church.
9. My spouse mistreats me. 1 Pet. 3:1-2
10. I owe it to myself to be happy. God wouldn t want me to stay if I am unhappy.
11. We are no longer in love.
12. I married the wrong person.
13. Allmy friends tell me that I ought to leave him/her.
14. God willforgive me. 1 John 2:3ff
15. We re not getting a divorce. We re getting a legal separation or an annulment.
1 Cor. 7:3-5, 10 Mt. 19:6
103

D. Be careful not to contribute to any divorce by your acts or counsel. Matt. 19:6
1. Guard your marriage.
2. Don t become involved with a married person.
3. Don t give bad advice.
III. Can one be lawfully divorced and remarried?
A. The problem of the exception. 5:32 19:9
1. Divorce and remarriage are clearly forbidden in most situations.
2. Alldivorce is a sinful violation of God s ideal; however, not all divorced persons
are guilty of that sin.
B. Divorce is permitted on the grounds of sexual promiscuity. 5:32 19:9
1. Sexualunfaithfulness breaksthe marriage covenant.
a. Underthe Old Covenant, the adulterer would have been executed,
thereby freeing the innocent party. Deut. 22:22
b. This is the ground on which God divorced Israel. Jer. 3:8
c. The words Jesus uses (porneia) encompasses adultery and other sexual
sins.
2. Even in this case divorce is merely permitted, not commanded. Hosea 2
a. Where there isrepentance, forgiveness and restoration are preferable.
Luke 17:3
b. The wronged party cannot be compelled to give up the right to divorce.
C. The person who has been abandoned by an unbelieving spouse is also free.
1 Cor. 7:15-16 Rom. 12:18
1. He or she is the victim of the other party shaving severed the marriage
covenant.
2. The believer is no longer bound to fulfill the marital duties.
3. What if a believer is abandoned by a professing Christian? Matt. 18:15-17
D. Those who are lawfully divorced are free to remarry. 1 Cor. 7:27-28
1. They are not underany obligation to remarry. 1 Cor. 7:27-28
2. Usually it is best to wait.
E. Other questions:
1. Do these exceptions contradict Jesus teaching against divorce?
a. The exceptions occurwhen the other party breaks the marriage
covenant.
2. Do these principles apply equally to men and women? Mark 10:2ff 1 Cor. 7:10ff
3. Is separation ever an option? 1Cor. 7:10, 5
4. What if one has unlawfully divorced and not remarried? 1 Cor. 7:10-11
a. Those who are not lawfully divorced have no right to remarriage.
5. What if one has unlawfully divorced and remarried?
a. It istoo late to go back. Deut. 24:1-4
b. Confessyour sin to God and to those whom you have hurt.
c. Live faithfully in the situation in which you find yourself. 1 Cor. 7:20, 24
6. What is the role of government in marriage and divorce?
a. States which fail to allow divorce on biblical grounds harm the innocent
party!
b. Laws (no fault divorce) which promote quick and easy divorce without
fixing blame and protecting the innocent party are unjust and harmful
to the family.
104

IV. Concluding applications.
A. For the married: Don t rush out of marriage.
1. Divorce on unbiblicalgrounds will not allow you to escape anything!
2. Commit to working out your problems. No marriage is beyond repair.
3. Strive for God s ideal in your marriage. Eph. 5:22-33 1 Pet. 3:1-7 Prevention is
better than the cure.
B. For the single: Don t rush into marriage.
1. Many make a bad choice which will bring years of sorrow.
2. Choose your love carefully! I Cor. 7:39 9:5 II Cor. 6:14 Prov. 31:30 Dt. 7:4-5
C. For those who have sinned: divorce is not the unforgivable sin. Mt. 12:31
105

106

How to Change Your Husband. Eph. 5:22-24 I Pet. 3:1-6
I. Introduction and review.
A. Christology is the key to understanding marriage. Eph. 5:32
B. God s design for marriage is applicable at all times and in allcultures. Isa. 40:8
II. Is submission applicable today?
A. Many are offended at the biblical teaching concerning the wife s role in marriage.
B. Why do some professing Christians reject male headship in marriage?
1. They say submission was merely cultural.
2. They say female subordination was a result of the fall. Gen. 3:16
3. They say submission denies our equality in Christ. Gal. 3:28
4. They say we are supposed to equally submit to each other. Eph. 3:21
5. They say submission demeans women.
C. God has designed marriage to be a partnership in which the wife follows her husband s
leadership. Ge. 2:18
1. God ordained male headship from the beginning of creation. I Co. 11:8-9 I Ti. 2:13
2. The fall reinforces the need for male headship. I Tim. 2:14 Gen. 3:16
3. Submission does not imply inferiority. I Co. 11:3 I Pe. 3:7 Ga. 3:28 Luke 2:51
4. God has established order in many relationships. Eph. 6:1,5 Ro. 13:1 Ti. 2:9 3:1
I Pe. 2:13,18 5:5 Heb. 13:17
5. Many objections to submission often stem from an unbiblical concept of equality and
significance. Matt. 20:25-28
6. We do not have the right to redefine the gender roles God has established.
III. What is God sdesign for the wife s role?
A. Submit to your husband as unto the Lord. Eph. 5:22 Titus 2:5 Col. 3:18 I Pe. 3:1,5
1. Recognize that God has made your husband the head of the family.
2. Follow your husband sleadership. I Pe. 3:6
3. Don t usurp hisheadship. Gen. 3:16 4:7
4. Yoursubmission is to be comprehensive. Eph. 5:24
5. Yourattitude is as important as your actions: respectful and loyal. Pr. 12:4
6. Love your husband. Titus 2:4.
7. Yourmotive for submission is not your husband sworthiness, but the Lord s.
B. Be his helper. Gen. 2:18
1. Do everything you can to help your husband to succeed. Pr. 31:23
2. Anticipate your husband s needsand desires.
3. Use your influence overhim for good, not evil. Pr. 31:11-12 Gen. 3:6 16:2
C. Devote yourself to a home-centered ministry. Titus 2:3 5I Ti. 5:14 Pr. 31:27
1. Put your family ahead of any outside career.
2. Help yourhusband by managing the home and raising the children.
3. Does this mean yourgifts will be suppressed?
4. The calling of a homemaker is a high calling!
5. A husband must work hard so his wife can be free to work in the home.
6. This does not mean wives cannot make any economic contribution to the family.
Pr. 31:16,24
7. What should a wife do when her children are grown? Titus 2:3f Pr. 31:20
107

IV. Submission is God s toolby which you can change your husband. I Pet. 3:1-6
A. Many women suffer under the authority of sinful husbands.
1. What if your husband is an unbeliever? ICo. 7:13
2. What if your husband is selfish and unkind?
3. What if your husband won t lead in a Christlike way?
B. What does Peter mean by saying you should win your husband without a word ?
1. He does not mean women can never speak to their husbands.
In a good marriage a husband welcomes his wife s counsel. Pr. 31:11-12,23,26
2. When a husband makes it clear he doesn t want to hear his wife s admonition, she
should not nag and criticize him.
3. Instead, win him by the attractiveness of your godly life. I Pet. 3:2-4
C. How can a wife do this?
1. Such quiet submission is the opposite of what the flesh tells you to do.
2. It takesfaith to do what the Scripture says.
3. The key phrase in the same way (as Christ). I Pet. 3:1a 2:21-25
4. Entrust yourself to God. I Pet. 2:23 3:6b Jer. 17:5-8
5. The same principles can be applied to winning others in authority over us.
D. Submission is not absolute.
1. No husband has a right to tell his wife to sin or to go against her conscience.
Acts 5:29,1-11 Rom. 14:23 Heb. 10:25
2. Submission is voluntary. Men are never told to subjugate their wives.
3. Wives are not obligated to endure physical abuse, abandonment, or marital
unfaithfulness. ICo. 7:15 Matt. 19:9
4. Wives do not give up their freedom to confront their husbands sins using the process in
Matthew 18:15f.
V. Concluding applications.
A. Wives: Don t let the serpent rob you of the blessings God has for you.
B. Single men: Choose a wife whom you can trust to do you good. Pr. 31:10-12,30
C. Single women: Prepare yourself for marriage by cultivating the qualities of a godly wife.
Don t even think about marrying a man whose leadership you cannot follow for the rest of
your life.
D. Husbands: Show respect to your wife. I Pet. 3:7 Be the kind of Christlike lover who is
easy to follow. Eph. 5:24bf Encourage your wife. Pr. 31:28-31 19:14
E. Children: Honor your mother! Pr. 23:25 31:28b
Discussion questions
1. How would you answer the objection that the biblical teaching on submission reflects the
chauvinism of an ancient culture?
2. What are some common misunderstandings people have about biblical submission?
3. What does it mean for a wife to submit to her husband?
4. What are some specific ways a wife can be a helper to her husband?
5. Does the Bible teach women should work primarily in the home?
6. What should a woman do if she is married to an unbeliever?
7. How can agodly woman hope to change her husband?
8. Under what circumstances must a wife refuse to obey her husband?
9. What should a woman who is being abused do?
10. What does this message have to say to single men? Single women? Husbands? Children?
108

How to Change Your Wife. Eph. 5:25-30 I Pet. 3:7
I. Introduction and review: The buck stops here.
II. Husbands love your wives as Christ loves the church. Eph. 5:25-27
A. Love her unconditionally. v. 25a I Co. 13:4-7
1. The world has cheapened the meaning of love.
2. Your love is not dependent upon the worthiness of the beloved.
3. Christ loved you when you were not worthy to be loved. Eph. 2:1-3 Ro. 5:8,10
I John 4:10
4. Seek the good of your wife, whether she deserves it or not.
5. Christlike love (agape) is not merely a feeling or a passion. It is a commitment.
6. You are to be the initiator in love. I John 4:19
7. Christlike love comes from the heart.
B. Love her sacrificially. Eph. 5:25b
1. Christ s love is demonstrated on the Cross. Eph. 5:2 Ga. 2:20
2. Christ slove for the church is particular. John 10:11
3. Give up yourlife for your bride.
a. Paul is not merely saying you must be willing to give up your life.
b. Sacrifice your rights and interests for her good. Phil. 2:3f I Co. 7:33
4. Authority has been given to serve. John 13:3f Mark10:45 Mt. 20:20-28
C. Love her with apurifying love. v. 26-27
1. Christ ourBridegroom is committed to making you holy. Eph. 1:4 Titus 2:14 John 17:19
Phil. 1:6 Col. 1:22 Rev. 19:7
2. Your love for your wife should make her more beautiful spiritually. II Co. 11:2
3. Do you have the courage to make biblical decisions which go against her preferences?
Gen. 3:6 16:2
III. Husbands, love your wives as your own bodies. v. 28-30
A. Love your wife as you love yourself. v. 28
1. You love her because you are united.
2. She is not just like a part of yourself. She is part of you. Gen. 2:23 .
a. Paul assumes every man loves himself unconditionally.
b. It is unnatural to abuse your own body. v. 29
B. Nourish your wife. v. 29b
1. Christ has provided richly for you! II Pe. 2:3-4 Eph. 1:7,9 2:5-6 3:6,12 4:11
2. Provide for her materially. Gen. 3:17ff I Tim. 5:8 Titus 2:3f
3. Meet her emotional needs. I Pet. 3:7 Js. 1:19a
4. Meet her spiritual needs.
5. Meet her sexual needs. I Co. 7:3-5 I Tim. 2:15 5:14 Ex. 21:10 Pr. 5:15-19
C. Cherish your wife. v. 29c
1. Understand her. I Pet. 3:7
2. Be patient and gentle with her. Col. 3:19
3. Treat herwith respect. Pr. 31:11
4. Express appreciation and affection to her. Pr. 31:28b
109

D. If you mistreat your wife, your relationship with God will be affected. I Pe. 3:7b
E. Questions.
1. What should you do if your wife is hard to love?
2. What should you do if you don t have loving feelings towards your wife?
IV. Concluding applications. Love her and lead her!
A. Application to singles.
B. Application to husbands: How can anyone love like that? I John 4:19
Discussion questions for family worship
1. Why is it hard for husbands to lead these days?
2. What doctrine must you understand if you want to be a good husband?
3. What characteristics of Christ s love are husbands to imitate?
4. What kinds of sacrificesshould husbands make for their wives?
5. What can a husband do to make his wife more holy?
6. Why should a husband love his wife as his own body?
7. What does it mean to nourish a wife?
8. Husbands: Ask your wives these questions (From The Complete Husband, by Priolo)
a. If you could change three things about me that would make me more Christ-like,
what would you change?
b. Do I have any annoying mannerisms or irritating idiosyncrasies that you would like
to see me change?
c. What do you want from me that I m not giving you?
d. What personal goals do you have for your life? How may I help you achieve them?
110

Solving Marriage Problems: Conflict Resolution and Communication
I. Introduction: Communication Breakdown in the Family. Eph. 4:25-32
II. Conflict Resolution: Clean the Slate. (See The Peacemaker, by Ken Sande)
A. First, get the log out of your own eye. Mt. 7:1-5
1. The key to your relationship with each other is your relationship with God (and
vice versa). I Pet. 3:7 Mt. 5:23-24
2. Focus upon your duties, rather than your rights: expectations! Js. 4:1-4
3. Seek forgiveness where you have wronged your spouse. Mt. 5:23-24 7:3-5
Prov. 28:13
a. Address everyone involved.
b. Avoid if, but, and maybe.
c. Admit specifically where you were wrong.
d. Acknowledge the hurt.
e. Accept the consequences.
f. Alter your behavior.
g. Ask for forgiveness.
B. Grant forgiveness when you have been wronged.
1. You have no choice! Mt. 6:14 18:21ff Eph. 4:32
2. Forgive as God has forgiven you: freely and unconditionally.
In what sense does god remember our sin no more? Jer. 31:34
3. The fourpromises of forgiveness.
a. I will not think about this incident. I Cor. 13:5 Jer. 31:34
b. I will not bring this incident up and use it against you.
c. I will not talk to others about this incident.
d. I will not allow this incident to stand between us or to hinder our
relationship.
C. Keep short accounts.
1. Don t let the sun go down on your anger. Eph. 4:26-27
2. Beware of letting a root of bitterness spring up! Heb. 12:15
D. Learn to control anger. Pr. 29:11,20,22 25:28 15:1 Rom. 12:17-21 Eph. 4:31-32
1. Neither vent your anger, nor bottle it up. Attack the problem instead of people.
2. Learn self control. The legitimate use of time-outs . Pr. 17:14 25:28
3. Understand the difference between righteous and unrighteous anger. Eph. 4:26
4. Deal with the heart of your anger. I Cor. 6:19-20 Rom. 12:17-21 14:19
E. Steps forconfronting sin. Mt. 18:15-20
1. Overlook minoroffenses. I Pet. 4:8 Pr. 19:11
2. Talk in private.
3. Take one or two others along.
4. Tell it to the church.
5. Treat him as an unbeliever.
III. Keys to Communication.
A. The goal of communication: love. Phil. 2:1-5 Rom. 15:2
111

B. Learn to listen in love. Js. 1:19
1. God listens to you. Isa. 59:1
2. Are you more concerned about being heard, or hearing? Phil. 2:1-5 I Pet. 3:7
3. Develop good listening skills. I Cor. 13:4-7
4. Learn to draw yourspouse out. Pr. 20:5
C. Learn to speak in love.
1. God sideal for marriage is intimacy and openness. Gen. 2:25
2. Is total honesty always called for? Pr. 18:2 10:19 Eph. 4:29
3. Learn to communicate on a deeper level.
4. Use your speech to built up. Eph. 4:29 5:19 Pr. 16:21,24 10:11,21 31:26 Phil. 4:8
Do you know what style of communication best reaches your spouse?
5. Timing can be important. Pr. 25:11 27:14 15:23
D. Communication killers. Circuit jammers (Wayne Mack).
1. Lies. Mt. 5:33-36 Eph. 4:25
2. Busyness and distractions.
3. Self-centered conversation: interrupting, monopolizing, hasty speech,
unnecessary correction, boasting. Pr. 18:13, 18:2 10:18 20:20 27:2 Js. 1:19
Ecc. 5:2
4. Destructive unsafe speech.
a. Angry, cruel, hurtful words. Mt. 5:21-22 Pr. 10:11 12:18 15:1,28 16:21,23-24
Js. 3:5-8 Eph. 4:29,31
b. Bullying, threatening and manipulating.
c. Nagging, negativity, grumbling, and public criticism. I Pet. 3:1-2 Pr. 25:24
harmful body language and other non-verbal communication. Pr. 6:12-15
10:10 16:30
5. Refusal to communicate.
6. Bitterness and dwelling on the past. I Co. 13:5
IV. Practical Ways to Build Up Your Communication.
A. Set regular times in which you will give undivided attention to each other.
1. Daily debriefing.
2. Bi-weekly date.
3. Semi-annual get away.
B. Worship together.
C. Acommunication exercise.
1. First the husband explains the wife s point of view.
2. Then the wife explains the husband s point of view. (Same rules)
3. Then the wife responds to the husband.
4. Then the husband responds to the wife.
D. Set goals together.
E. Have fun together.
F. The same principles of communication and conflict resolution apply in other
relationships: i.e. children.
G. Test yourself. (Preparing for Marriage: page 71,74-76; Your Family God s Way: p.
130-132,161,175-176, 192-196, 225-226)
112

I. Introduction. Pr. 18:17
Solving Marriage Problems: When Husbands Won t Lead
II. Why don t husbands lead? I Th. 5:14
A. Our feminist culture demeans patriarchy: emasculating men. Rom. 12:1-2
B. Some husbands are non-Christians and are incapable of leading in a Christlike way.
I Pet. 3:1f I Co. 7:12f
C. Some Christian men are very immature or backslidden.
D. Some men are very laid back by nature and abdicate leadership to their wives.
E. Some men in mid-life become depressed, losing their idealism and drive. Ga. 6:9
F. Some men are very selfish, living in their own world. II Tim. 3:2
G. Some men are workaholicswho neglect their families. I Tim. 6:9-10
H. Some wives take over, refusing to be led. Gen. 3:16 4:7
I. Some men are spiritually proud and sinfully domineering. I Pe. 3:1 2:18f
III. How can you help a husband who won t lead?
A. He needs to be taught about his role as a Christlike servant-leader in the home. Eph. 5:25ff
John 13:1ff
B. He needs an example. Phil. 3:17 John 13:15 Heb. 13:7 I Co. 11:1
C. He needs discipleship and accountability in specific areas.
D. He needs the support of his wife. Gen. 2:18
IV. How can you help a wife whose husband won t lead?
A. Offer hope. I Co. 10:13 Rom. 8:28 Gen. 50:20 I Pet. 3:5 Jer. 17:5-8 Phil. 4:4ff
B. Build your personal relationship with God. Mt. 6:33 Psalm 1 42:1f Jer. 17:5-8
C. Face up to your own sin and seek forgiveness. Mt. 7:1-5 Pr. 21:9 25:24 I Pe. 3:1-2
D. Don t let your desire for a perfect marriage become idolatrous. Js. 4:1f
E. Encourage any positive effort he makes in leading, and don t compare your husband to other
men. ICo. 1:4f
F. Resist bitterness by maintaining a constant attitude of grace and forgiveness. Eph. 4:32
Mt. 18:21f Heb. 12:15 Pr. 26:4 Ro. 12:17
G. Strive to be his helper in every possible legitimate way. Gen. 2:18
H. Treat him better than his sins deserve, overcoming evil with good. Ps. 103:10
Rom. 12:21 5:8-10 Mt. 5:38f Luke 6:35 Phil. 4:13 Isa. 40:28-31
113

I. Seek help from the church.
1. You can join a church, even if your husband won t. Heb. 13:17 10:25 Acts 5:29
2. Seek counsel from a godly older woman. Titus 2:3-5
3. You may appeal to the Elders, even if your husband doesn t want you to.
Mt. 18:15f I Pe. 3:7
V. Counseling in specific situations.
A. How can you help a woman with a passive or neglectful husband?
1. You need to understand the challenges she faces.
2. Don t let her give in to bitterness. Heb. 12:15-17 I Co. 13:5 Eph. 4:31-32
I Pe 3:9 Js. 1:19-20
3. Teach her how to help a husband who is passive. I Pe. 3:1f
4. Teach her to appeal to him lovingly, specifically, and biblically.
5. If necessary, help her to go to church leaders. Mt. 18:16
6. Teach her to look to God to overcome loneliness. Ps. 42:1f Isa. 55:1-2
Mt. 26:37f II Tim. 4:14
B. How can you help a woman who has a non-Christian husband?
1. Understand how hard herlife is.
2. Did she sinfully marry an unbeliever?
3. Teach her to deal wisely with conflicting standards.
4. Encourage her to strive to make the marriage work. I Co. 7:12-17
5. She must realize only God can change her husband. John 6:44 I Co. 7:16
C. How can you help a woman with a sinfully domineering husband?
1. Try to understand what her life is like. Rom. 12:15
2. Help herto overcome sinful fear. II Tim. 1:7 Pr. 29:25 3:5-6 Jer. 17:5-8
3. Help herto overcome his evil with God s good. Rom. 12:21 I Pe. 3:1f Pr. 15:1
4. Help her to confront the husband biblically. Mt. 18:15f Gal. 6:1
5. Be prepared to step in to protect the woman. Rom. 13:1 Pr. 27:12
VI. Some tough questions.
A. When can/should a woman go to the church leaders?
B. What if the husband and wife can t agree on where to go to church?
C. What if the husband asks the wife to sign financial documents with which she disagrees?
D. What should the wife do about the spiritual training of the children?
E. When is divorce an option? I Cor. 7:15 Mt. 19:9
VII. Conclusion.
A. The amazing example of Abigail. I Sam. 25
B. Recommended resources
1. Women Helping Women, edited by Elyse Fitzpatrick and Carol Cornish
2. The Excellent Wife, by Martha Peace
3. Helperby Design, by Elyse Fitzpatrick
4. The Complete Husband, by Lou Priolo
114

Solving Marriage Problems: Using Financial Wisdom from Proverbs
I. Introduction and Review.
A. The theology of wealth.
1. God is the ownerand source of all wealth. Pr. 8:21 10:22 Dt. 8:18 Ps. 50:10
2. God blesses the wise with wealth. Pr. 14:24 15:6 10:22 I Ti. 6:17
3. Are the wise (godly) always wealthy? Pr. 10:4
B. Money is important. Luke 16:11 I Ti. 5:8 Prov. 3:5-6
II. Maintain a balanced perspective on money. 30:8-9
A. Money can be good. I Ti. 6:10,17 4:4-5 Pr. 14:20 19:4,6 10:15 30:9 19:2 22:7 Ecc. 5:18
B. Money is dangerous. Pr. 16:16,8,19 19:1,22 10:2 22:1 28:6 15:16-17 23:4-5 22:2 28:6,11
11:4,28 30:8-9 Isa. 55:1-3 Rev. 3:17-18 Ecc. 4:8 6:2 Js. 1:9-11 Luke 16:19f 12:16f
I Ti. 6:9-10 Mt. 13:22 Col. 3:5
C. Learn the secret of contentment. Pr. 10:3 13:25 25:16 Heb. 13:5-6 Phil. 4:11-12
I Ti. 6:6-8,17 Luke 3:14 Gen. 28:20 Mt. 6:11 Ps. 37:25 34:9-10 Mt. 6:11,33 Phil. 4:19
I Tim. 6:8 Yourmoney problems are spiritual more than financial. Isa. 55:1-3
D. How can unbiblicalbeliefs about money affect a marriage?
III. Acquiring money.
A. Work hard and smart to make a living. Pr. 10:4-5 6:6-11 27:23-24
1. Wisdom s formula for success: Skillxeffort = wealth. 10:4b 12:24 22:29 21:5
2. Sluggards suffer poverty and shame. 6:6-11 10:4a 24:30-32 26:14-15 22:13 20:4 15:19
13:4 16:26
3. Don t expect easy money . 12:11 28:19 21:5
4. You may not be able to pursue your dream career. 28:19 14:23
B. Do not compromise your integrity to gain wealth. Pr. 10:2 13:11,23 15:6 16:8 20:21 28:20,22
20:10,23 21:6 11:1 16:11 22:16 20:14 11:24-26 James 5:1-6 Amos 8:4
1. God willdestroy sinfully gained wealth. Pr. 13:11 20:17 22:16 15:27 28:8
2. Gambling is foolish. Pr. 12:11 28:19 21:5 30:9 13:11 20:21
C. Marriage problems.
1. What if the husband is a poor provider (or even a sluggard)? I Ti. 5:8 II Th. 3:10
2. Should the wife work outside the home? Titus 2:5 Eph. 5:29 Gen. 3:18-19
3. What if the wife is a sluggard at home?
4. What if one spouse has a gambling habit?
IV. Spending money.
A. Honorthe Lord from your wealth. Pr. 3:9-10 19:17 28:27 14:21,31 21:13 22:9 11:25
Ex. 23:6,11 I Co. 16:2 Mt. 12:44 6:1-4 Heb. 13:16 Phil. 4:18 II Co. 9:7,10 8:8
115

B. Controlyourexpenditures.
1. Plan your outgo (make a budget). 21:5 24:3-4 Luke 14:28-29
2. Don t make impulsive purchases. 14:15 22:3
3. Don t live beyond your means. 21:17 23:20-21 25:16
4. Test your motives for spending money. Ecc. 2:1f
C. Stay out of debt. Debt is folly!
1. Debt produces bondage to men. 22:7 Deut. 28:44,12 15:6
2. Debt presumes upon the future. 16:9 19:21
3. Pay your obligations promptly. 3:27-28
4. What you can spend is determined by what you have, not your credit limit.
5. If you can t control your use of credit cards, tear them up. Mt. 5:29
6. Is it legitimate to borrow to buy a home? 24:27
7. Nevermake yourself liable for someone else s debt (co-signing)! 6:1-5 22:26-27 17:18 11:15
20:16
8. Is bankruptcy biblical? 3:27-28 Ps. 37:21
D. Marriage problems.
1. What should be done if a couple is deeply in debt with out of control spending?
2. How would you advise a couple which is upside down on their house?
3. What should be done when one spouse refuses to make or keep a budget?
4. What should be done when one spouse continues to run up debt?
5. What should be done when a spouse secretly obtains and uses credit cards?
6. How can couples resolve their differences over questions of major purchases?
7. How can couples come to agreement about how generous to be to others?
8. What should a wife do if her husband does not want to give to the Lord s work?
V. Saving money.
A. Anticipate future expenses or financial crises. Pr. 6:8 30:25 13:11 28:20
B. Invest wisely.
1. Beware of get rich quick schemes. Pr. 13:11 28:19-20,22 15:27 27:12
2. Investment risk tends to increase with anticipated return.
3. Is it wrong to take interest from others? Pr. 28:8 Dt. 23:19-20 15:1-11 Mt. 25:27
4. Apply wisdom and seek godly counsel. Pr. 15:22 18:15 Ecc. 11:6
C. Leave an inheritance to your children. Pr. 13:22 19:14 20:21 II Co. 12:14
D. Marriage problems.
1. What if one spouse doesn t believe in insurance?
2. Should a husband and wife have separate finances?
3. How can the spender and the saverlearn to worktogether?
VI. Concluding applications.
A. Make it your goal to be wise, not rich! 23:4-5 19:1 28:6,22 8:10-11 15:16-17 16:16
Ecc. 5:10, 15 Mt. 6:33 Heb. 13:5-6 Ps. 34:10
B. You can t take it with you. II Pet. 3:10-13 Ecc. 5:15 Mt. 6:19-21
C. Remember our Lord Jesus Christ who paid your debt. II Co. 8:9
116

Expenses:
Groceries
Automobile (Payment, Insurance, Gas, Repairs)
Housing (Rent, Mortgage, Repairs, Tax, Insurance)
Utilities (Phone, Electricity, Water)
Giving to the Lord s Work
Education (Self or Children)
Gifts (Birthday, Christmas, etc.)
Entertainment (Eat Out, Movies, Vacation, etc.)
Clothes
Medical and Dental (Including Insurance)
Debt Reduction
Savings (Retirement, College, Major Purchases)
Miscellaneous
Total Expenses
Income
Take Home Pay (After Taxes)
Other Income (Investments, etc.)
Total Income
Assets
House
Investments
Others
Total Assets
Liabilities
Mortgage
Credit Cards
Personal and FamilyLoans
Other
Total Liabilities
YourFamily Budget
117

118

Solving Marriage Problems: Sex
I. Introduction: The Key to Sexual Purity. Pr. 4:23
II. God Created Sex. Gen. 2:24 1:27-28
A. Sex is part of God s perfect creation. Gen. 2:25
B. Why did God create sex?
1. An expression and enhancement of marital oneness. Gen. 2:24 4:1
2. God s chosen means to enable mankind to fill the earth. Gen 1:27-28 Ps. 127
3. For the enjoyment of husband and wife. Deut. 24:5 Pr. 5:18-19 Heb. 13:4
Song of Solomon 1:2,13-16 7:1-10 4:1-7 5:10-16
III. God s Design forSex is Violated by any Expression Outside of the Marriage Covenant.
Ecc. 7:29 Rom. 1:18-32
A. Adultery. Ex. 20:14 Mt. 19:9 I Cor. 6:16 Pr. 7:27 6:24-35 Gen. 39:9.
B. Fornication. I Cor. 6:9 Heb. 13:4
1. Taking the privileges of the marriage covenant without accepting the responsibilities.
2. Stealing from your future spouse and the future spouse of your partner in sin.
I Cor. 7:4
3. Sexual sin is not restricted to going allof the way .
4. Those who are courting or engaged need to be especially careful! You are not married
until the covenant has been formally established!
5. Premarital promiscuity can adversely affect your marriage. Num. 32:23
C. Homosexuality. Lev. 18:22 20:13 I Cor. 6:9 Ro. 1:26-27 Gen. 19:5 Ezek. 16:48-49 Jude 7
Dt. 22:5 I Tim. 1:10 II Pet. 2:6
D. Lust. Mt. 5:27-28 Job 31:1,9 Pr. 7:25 6:25 II Tim. 2:22
E. Other sexual sins: polygamy and bestiality. Mt. 19:5 Lev. 18:23 20:15-16 Ex. 22:19
F. Self-centered hedonism.
1. Even in marriage: sex can be misused: idolatry and perversion.
2. Wrong ideas about sex will damage your marriage.
G. God Brings Many Consequences to Sexual Sin. Num. 32:23 Pr. 6:25-25 5:10-14,21-23
7:22-27 Ps. 32:3-4 I Cor. 6:9-10
IV. How Can You Make YourSexual Relationship in Marriage All that it Should Be?
A. Strive for God s ideals for your marriage.
1. Almost all sexual problems in marriage are merely symptoms of other problems.
2. You have entered into an unconditional lifelong covenant of commitment.
Ge. 2:18-25
3. The husband is the initiator in love, sacrificially giving himself to his wife.
Eph. 5:25-33 I Pet. 3:7
4. The wife joyfully accepts her role and submits to her husband s leadership.
Eph. 5:22-24 I Pet. 3:1-7
5. Both strive for open communication: listening and speaking in love. Ep. 4:29
119

B. Think first of how to bring happiness and satisfaction to your spouse, rather than seeking
self-gratification. Phil. 2:1-4 I Cor. 7:3-5
1. You should be a servant to your spouse. God has given your sexuality primarily for his
(or her) enjoyment.
2. Understand the differences between male and female perspectives on sex.
3. Make efforts to keep romance in your marriage.
4. Keep learning! Intended for Pleasure, by Ed Wheat
C. Avoid temptations which could threaten your fidelity to one another.
1. God has given the marriage bed as a safeguard against temptation. I Cor. 7:5
Pr. 5:15-19 Song of Solomon 1:2
2. Stay far away from any situation which could be tempting. Mt. 5:28-30
Pr. 5:1-23 6:23-35 7:1-27 Job 31:1 Don t trust yourself. Jer. 17:9 Pr. 14:12
3. Maintain strict propriety in relationship with members of the opposite sex.
4. Guard your heart. Pr. 4:23
V. Questions:
A. Is it wrong to use birth control?
1. God wants us to have children. Gen. 1:27-28 ps. 127
2. I do not believe that we must have as many as possible.
3. What about Onan? Gen. 38:6-10
4. Certain methods of birth control are ruled out because they are abortive.
5. Is it appropriate for one partner to be sterilized (after having children!)?
B. What if one partner doesn t enjoy sex or feels guilty about having sex?
C. How often should a couple come together sexually? What is normal ?
D. Are there restrictions on what a husband and wife may do together?
1. There are some acts which are unnatural, harmful or immodest and therefore forbidden.
2. Love demands that you never selfishly demand that your spouse do something she (or he)
doesn t want to do. I Cor. 13:4-6
3. Whatever you cannot do in faith, with a clear conscience, is sin. Rom. 14:23
E. How should children be taught about sex?
1. They are already getting a lot of information about sex from other sources.
2. Part of your duty in training them is to teach them to see sex as god sees it. This includes
the fact that they should have a sense that their parents enjoy each other!
3. This involves practical warnings about the kinds of temptations which will come their
way. Pr. 5 6 7
4. Teach them how (and why) to resist temptation. (And keep them from temptation.)
I Cor. 10:13
5. The only safe sex is in marriage.
VI. Concluding Applications.
120

Parenting is More than a Formula: Part 1
I. Introduction: Parents are looking for a formula which will guarantee that their kids will turn
out right.
A. What formulas have people tried?
1. Educational formulas: public schools, Christian schools, home schooling.
2. Parenting formulas.
3. Church-based formulas: Sunday School, AWANA, VBS, Summer Camps, Youth Groups,
Family Integrated Church.
B. Most of the formulas have some strengths.
C. Each of the formulas has weaknesses and problems.
D. Parents who have tried each of these formulas have experienced various results
1. Proponents of each system can point to many examples of success.
2. There are also examples of failure in each system which often leads to the birth of the
next system.
3. Proponents of a given system will often blame all failure on user error the parents
didn t properly follow the directions.
E. Many parents go from formula to formula looking for the answer.
II. Parents need to exercise discernment when examining child training formulas.
A. We need to recognize the difference between plausibility and proof when considering various
parenting formulas. Acts 17:11 Eph. 4:14 I Thess. 5:21
1. Anecdotal stories do not prove that a formula works.
2. Sometimes the Scripture quoted doesn t prove what the formula advocates claim.
3. An advocate of a particular formula may sound very persuasive without actually proving
that his formula is true and biblical.
4. Contrary data may be ignored or explained away.
5. Some of what is asserted is demonstrably false.
6. I encourage you to be good Bereans when listening to me or anyone else who tries to tell
you how to parent your kid.
B. Many Christian approaches to parenting are legalistic.
1. Legalism involves going beyond the Scriptures. II Tim. 3:16-17 Pr. 30:6
2. It is very important to distinguish between what Scripture commands versus one of many
possible ways to fulfill our responsibilities to God.
3. The biblical commands concerning child training are quite basic. We as parents are then
called to work out the specifics in our own situation.
4. Some make their particular methodology law , while failing to acknowledge that other
approaches are equally valid ways to fulfill biblical commands.
5. Some believers impose their extra-biblical rules and preferences on others.
6. Sometimes the extra-biblical rules (traditions) become more important than what
Scripture actually teaches. Mark 7:8
7. Some people actually claim divine revelation for their child training methods.
8. What is not biblically mandated is a family choice.
9. Extra-biblical formulas often fail to take into account legitimate differences between kids
and between families.
121

III. Why do kids turn out the way they do? Three factors:
A. Parents are responsible to raise theirchildren properly. Eph. 6:4
1. What the Bible says about parenting is pretty basic and simple. Eph. 6:4 Col. 3:21
a. Discipline them. Pr. 13:24 22:15 23:13-14 29:15 Dt. 21:18-21
b. Train them. Deut. 6:4ff Prov. 22:6 1:8 4:1 Gen. 18:19 Ex. 12:26ff 13:8,14
c. Don t provoke them to anger. Col. 3:21
2. God blesses faithful parents. Prov. 23:13-14 29:17
3. If you neglect discipline you will contribute to your child s ruin and your own misery.
Pr. 17:21,25 29:15b 19:13
4. Learn from Eli and David. I Sam. 2:12-17,22-25 3:13 4:11 2 Sam. 13 I Ki. 1:5-6
5. While parents have an influence on how their children turn out, they do not have control.
The Bible does not teach parental determinism!
B. Children are responsible for the choices they make. Pr. 20:11 Ezek. 18:5-13
1. Not all rebellion is the fault of the parents.
2. There are no good kids . Ps. 51:1 Pr. 22:15
3. What was the difference between Cain and Abel? Gen. 4:1-9 Mark 7:18ff
4. God, like Cain, experienced rebellion in His child Israel. Jer. 2:30 5:3 7:28 Isa. 1:2
5. As our children enter adulthood, they are responsible to make their own life decisions.
Prov. 1:21ff 20:11 Ezek. 18
C. God s sovereign grace is needed to save our kids.
1. You can t save your kids! Eph. 2:1-3 Rom. 8:6-8
2. The LORD must give them life and draw them to Himself. John 3:1ff 6:37,44 Eph. 2:4ff
3. Sinful kids and sinful parents need grace.
4. The LORD works in mysterious ways.
IV. Concluding summary: Part 1
A. Does the Bible offer a surefire formula for successin parenting? Prov. 22:6
1. Is Proverbs 22:6 an unconditionalpromise or a maxim?
2. Jesus warned that the gospel would divide families. Luke 12:51-53
B. There is no guarantee of success. We are dependent upon God s grace.
1. None of us is a good enough parent to merit our child s salvation! Heb. 12:10
2. Ourchildren are so sinful, they would reject perfect discipline. Ge. 8:21
122

Parenting is More than a Formula: Part 2
I. The biggest problem with many parenting formulas is that they can become pharisaical.
A. Those advocating certain formulas are often assuming (explicitly or implicitly) a form
of parental determinism the (unbiblical) belief that how well you follow their
formula determines how your kids turn out.
1. Examples of parental determinism.
2. Failure is blamed on failure to follow the formula (keep the law).
3. They make strong hurtful statements, which cannot be substantiated from
Scripture, about parents who fail .
4. If outcomes are determined by being under the correct outward influences, then
does God pass our parenting test? Ex. 4:22 Isa. 1:2 Gen. 4:6ff
a. Why did Cain rebelafter God Himself admonished him?
b. Israel turns from Him.
c. Why did Judas betray Jesus after hearing His teaching and seeing His
perfect life for three years?
B. Parents who depend upon formulas can tend toward pharisaical pride, as if we can
save our kids by our good works and faithfulness.
1. Parents are divided into successful winners and unsuccessful losers.
2. Those who seem to be succeeding (winners) will be tempted to pharisaical pride.
3. Those who are having problems with their kids (losers) will be tempted to anger
or despair.
4. When people have trouble with their kids, they are told it was because they
didn t follow the system carefully enough.
5. We allare incapable of perfectly keeping the law. Even if there was a
formula , we couldn t follow it perfectly because we are all still struggling with
our own sin.
6. Parents afflicted with phariseeism go from one system (or guru) to another
looking for the approach which will work. Ecc. 12:12
C. Moralistic formulas can also create kids who are pharisees, with the outside of the cup
looking clean, while the inside of the cup remains filthy. Mark 7:6,18-23
1. Children, like adults, are prone to self-righteousness, wanting to feel good about
themselves by following an attainable man-made moral standard.
2. There are many outwardly obedient, well-mannered, good-looking children who
are stilllost and may rebel once they become young adults.
3. Obedience which isn tmotivated by love for God and His grace is dangerous
(Fitzpatrick).
D. Pharisaicalparenting methodologies will sooner or later lead to a train wreck.
II. Parenting is not about following an extra-biblical man-made formula; it is about the gospel.
A. Many parents are bearing an incredible burden of (false) guilt.
1. Fathers don t measure up to what the books say about the perfect dad.
2. Mothers are very susceptible to peer pressure and perfectionism.
3. Many are in danger of giving up.
123

B. The law alone willnot lead to parenting success.
1. Man-made rules may have the appearance of wisdom, but they will not produce
holiness. Col. 2:23
2. We cannot be saved orsanctified merely by the law.
3. Norcan ourkids be saved or sanctified merely through the law.
C. Parents desperately need the gospel.
1. Confess we can t do it.
2. Repent of phariseeism.
3. Seekgrace for ourselves.
4. Plead for your kids souls.
D. Ourkids can only be saved by the work of God.
1. They cannot be saved by our works or theirs.
2. They need to understand that they are not good, which is why they need a
Savior. II Co. 5:21,17 I Pe. 3:18 Phil. 3:9 John 15:5 Rom. 6:1ff
3. While it is our duty to seek to be Christlike in our families, it is more important
to confess that we fall very short of being Christlike so that we can point
ourselves and our kids to our need for Christ.
4. We need to teach our children the Bible in a way that goes beyond moralistic
stories which focus on what we should be doing and instead focuses upon what
God has done for us in redemption.
5. God often saves and uses people from the most (humanly) unlikely
backgrounds. Ezek. 18 II Tim. 1:5 Heb. 11:23-25
6. God sometimes works through those who don t follow our formulas.
E. God is at work in our lives through our parenting. II Co. 12:9-10 (from Dave Harvey
audio)
1. We often want to look upon parenting as a means to display our strength.
2. God uses our parenting to display our weakness so that we might utterly
depend upon His strength. When I am weak, then I am strong.
3. Stop trying to manage others perception of you and your kids. Instead be
honest about your weaknesses.
4. Parenting in weakness is used by God to drive us to seek healing and strength
in Christ whose gracealone is sufficient. II Co. 12:9
F. Parenting is about God more than you or your kids. (From Parenting Is Your Highest
Calling and Eight Other Myths That Trap Us in Worry and Guilt, by Leslie Leyland
Fields).
1. Parenting is about fulfilling God s purposes, not our agenda. Mt. 22:37f
10:37-39
2. Putting God first frees us to better love our children.
3. God parents (us) for holiness, not happiness. Lev. 19:2 Heb. 12:14
4. Parenting is more about people than a process.
5. God calls us to be faithful, not successful . Ezek. 2:3-4 3:7 Isa. 6:8ff
6. We must rely upon God rather than formulas.
7. Ourultimate hope must be in God, not our kids. Jer. 17:5-8
III. Conclusion
A. Gospel parenting isn t just another formula.
B. God is teaching us to graciously love our sinfulchildren just as He loves us. Ro. 5:8
124

I. Introduction.
You NeverStop Being a Parent: Parenting Your Adult Children.
II. What can you do to prepare your children for adulthood?
A. The goal of parenting is to make your children ready to live wisely (on their own).
Pr. 4:3-4 I Cor. 13:11
1. Childhood is meant to be a temporary state. Gen. 2:24
2. It is the job of parents, not schools or churches to train children. Pr. 1:8-9
3. You want them to learn to make wise choices on their own.
4. Parents, be ready to lose control!
5. Learn to relate to your children as adults. Col. 3:21 Phil. 2:3-4 Prov. 20:5
B. What can you do to make your children ready to live on their own?
1. Teach them to fear God and to live for His glory. Pr. 1:7 3:7-8 Dt. 6:5 Mt. 22:37
2. Teach them to put others ahead of themselves. Mt. 22:39 Phil. 2:3-4
3. Prepare them to pursue a vocation so they can work hard to care for a family.
Prov. 6:5-11 24:30-34 26:12-16 12:11 13:11 22:29 10:4-5 28:19 14:23
4. Teach them financial wisdom.
a. The value of saving (postponed gratification). Pr. 6:8 13:11
b. The importance of budgeting (planning). Pr. 21:5
c. The avoidance of debt. Pr. 22:7 6:1-5 Deut. 28:44
d. The prompt payment of financial obligations. Pr. 3:27-28 Dt. 24:14f Ps. 37:21
e. The blessedness of being generous. Pr. 3:9-10 11:25 19:17 22:9
5. Teach them God s design for marriage (and sex). Prov. 5:1-23 6:20-35 7:1-27
a. Teach them biblical perspectives on manhood and womanhood. Pr. 31:10ff
b. Warn them against immorality. Prov. 2:16-19
c. Encourage them to get ready for marriage. I Cor. 7:9
d. The desire for marriage motivates the pursuit of maturity and responsibility.
6. Teach them to choose their companions carefully. Pr. 1:10-19 13:20 22:24-25 23:20
I Cor. 15:33 Ps. 1:1
7. Teach them to resist temptation. Pr. 29:25 2:12-15 20:1 31:4-5
C. When is a child ready to leave home? I Cor. 13:11 See Al Mohler: From Boy to Man - The
Marks of Manhood.
1. Spiritual maturity sufficient to lead a wife and children. I Pe. 3:7
2. Personal maturity sufficient to be a responsible husband and father. Eph. 5:22ff
3. Economic maturity sufficient to hold an adult job and handle money. Pr. 28:19f
4. Physical maturity sufficient to work and protect a family. Prov. 6:6ff
5. Sexual maturity sufficient to marry and fulfill God spurposes. II Ti. 2:22
6. Moralmaturity sufficient to lead as an example of righteousness.
7. Ethical maturity sufficient to make responsible decisions.
8. Worldview maturity sufficient to understand what is really important.
I Chr. 12:32 II Co. 10:5
9. Relational maturity sufficient to understand and respect others. Phil. 2:3-4
10. Social maturity sufficient to make a contribution to society. Mt. 5:13 Ro. 13:1ff
11. Verbal maturity sufficient to communicate and articulate as a man.
Pr. 15:28,7 10:20-21 16:24 12:18 20:5 Js. 1:19
12. Character maturity sufficient to demonstrate courage under fire. Pr. 29:25
13. Biblical maturity sufficient to lead at some level in the church. I Pe. 4:10-11
125

D. Some children leave too soon.
E. What authority does a parent have over an adult child?
1. Parents must recognize that their relationship with their adult child is very different from
what it was when the child was small. Eph. 6:1ff I Cor. 13:11
2. One of the biggest mistakes made by Christian parents is to treat their young adult
offspring asif they were still small children. Col. 3:21
3. When your child is married, he/she is in a new family unit and no longer under your
authority. Gen. 2:24
4. Are single adults also free from parental authority? I Co. 9:5 7:39 13:11 Jo. 2:3ff
Num. 32:11
III. What do you do when your adult children come back home (or never leave)?
A. The phenomenon of the twixter (or boomerang kids/adultolescents).
B. What are valid reasons for an adult child to stay home?
1. A son may stay at home while he is completing his education, establishing his business, or
saving for marriage. Pro. 10:4b
2. A daughter may choose to stay under the protection of her parents prior to marriage.
Gen. 2:24
3. Some young adults are not physically or mentally able to take care of themselves.
4. Children may stay at home in order to take care of aged or disabled parents or other
family members. Ex. 20:12 Mt. 15:5-6 I Tim. 5:4
5. Sometimes children move home because of extraordinary circumstances.
6. Young adults should only be living at home if there is a clear goal.
C. Some young people sinfully postpone the responsibilities of adulthood: vocation, marriage,
and children.
1. They fail to establish a career by which they can provide for themselves.
Prov. 6:5-11 12:11 28:19
2. They expect others to take care of their financial needs. II Th. 3:10-13 I Tim. 5:8
3. They are financially irresponsible. Pr. 22:7
a. They only work enough to pay for their desired level of discretionary spending.
b. They expect instant gratification.
c. They get deeply into debt.
4. They place a high value on relationships and entertainment. Pr. 14:23
5. Instead of marrying and having a family, they indulge in uncommitted relationships and
fornication. I Cor. 6:9-10 7:9 II Ti. 2:22
D. Parents contribute to this problem.
1. They fail to prepare their children to be on their own. Proverbs 1:8
2. Some refuse to let go of their kids. Gen. 2:24
3. They inadvertently enable sinful behavior. Pr. 15:19 6:11 10:4 20:13 16:26
4. They are afraid to take strong steps to deal with their kids. I Sam.2:22-25
5. Some birds would benefit from being pushed out of the nest.
E. What are the challengesof having an adult child living with his parents?
1. The child wants to be treated as an adult, yet he is still dependent upon his parents.
2. Parents often have a hard time looking upon their child as an adult.
3. Being under your roof subjects them to your rules.
4. The rules should be reasonable and you should recognize their adulthood.
126

F. What can parents do to help their twixters grow up?
1. Encourage maturity. I Co. 4:20
2. Be willing to make tough choices for the good of your children.
3. If they continue to act like children, they must be treated like children.
4. Make yourexpectations clear, along with the consequences.
5. You may need to seek their forgiveness for having spoiled them.
6. Their return to your home may be one last hope for you to train them. Pr. 19:18
7. Do what you can to show you love them without compromising your standards.
G. What should be expected of an adult child living at home?
1. Expect them to take financial responsibility. II Thess. 3:6-12
2. Don t allow them to be lazy while living under your roof. Eph. 4:28 Pr. 10:1,4-5
3. Demand sexual purity. Heb. 13:4
4. Do not tolerate substance abuse. I Th. 5:7 Pr. 23:20,30-31
5. Make them pay a price for irresponsibility. Pr. 26:3
6. Be willing to kick them out.
IV. What do you do when your adult children get into trouble (substance abuse, debt, crime)?
A. Whose fault is it when adult kids go bad?
1. Parents are responsible to raise theirchildren in the discipline and admonition of the
Lord. Pr. 22:6 23:13-14 29:15,17 I Sam. 2:12ff
2. Children are responsible for the choices they make. Pr. 20:11,20 30:11,17
Ezek. 18:5-13 Isa. 1:2 Jer. 2:30 Eph. 6:2
3. You are dependent upon God s sovereign grace for the souls of your children.
Lu. 12:51-53 Gen. 4:1-9 Ps. 51:5 Eph. 2:1ff John 6:44
B. Adult children often look to their parents to bail them out.
1. They can be very charming, persuasive, and manipulative.
2. Parents are often motivated by fear and guilt. Pr. 29:25
3. Cry out to God for help and wisdom. Js. 1:5
4. Seek godly counsel. Pr. 11:14
5. Face the fact that your child may not be converted. Jo. 14:15 I Jo. 2:3ff Mt. 7:20
6. Learn to distinguish between worldly sorrow and true repentance. II Co. 7:10
C. Don t enable a sinful lifestyle. I Sam. 2:12-17,22-25 3:13 4:11
1. If you feel guilty about how you raised your child, confess your sin to God, your child,
and yourspouse; but don t compound your guilt by financing more sin.
2. You may be circumventing the very consequences God has designed to bring sinners to
repentance. Luke 15:13ff Pr. 16:26 19:15
3. Many wayward children have an entitlement mentality. II Thess. 3:10 Pr. 10:4
4. Don t buy into the world s lies which excuse sinful behavior: the disease model.
D. Help should be offered wisely and lovingly.
1. Express love to your child and offer godly counsel. Pr. 1:8ff
2. If yourchild wants your money and not your counsel, you probably should give him
neither. Mt. 7:6 Pr. 1:7
3. Offer help which addresses your child s root problems. Pr. 4:23 Mark 7:21ff
4. Establish expectations as a condition for your assistance. Pr. 13:20 20:1,20 6:6ff 10:5
I Th. 5:7 I Co. 15:33
127

5. Does this somehow violate their adult status? Pr. 26:3 I Co. 13:11
6. If conditions are not met, you must stand your ground, even if this means kicking the
child out.
7. What help can you offer a non-Christian child?
E. What should you do about an incorrigible child? Deut. 21:18-21 Pr. 19:18 29:1
1. Recognize that there is such a thing as an incorrigible child.
2. You should be concerned about the effect he/she will have upon others.
I Co. 15:33
3. You must be prepared to take drastic measures.
4. You must allow them to experience the full consequences of their sinful actions.
I Pe. 2:14 Rom. 13:1-7 Pr. 19:15,18
5. God sometimes uses hardship to bring a child to repentance. Luke 15:18,21
V. When should you give financial help to your grown children? (Part 2)
A. Should parents pay for their children s college education?
B. Is it good to transferwealth from one generation to another?
1. There is biblical basis for leaving an inheritance. Pr. 13:22 19:14 Nu. 26:53 32:18
I Ki. 21:3f II Co. 12:14
2. Asuddenly gained inheritance may be squandered. Pr. 20:21 Luke 12:15ff
3. You may be able to offer crucial help to your grown children: an inheritance before you
die.
4. You may be able to help bring the family together for special events.
5. You offer them a better spiritual inheritance. Eph. 1:11 Heb. 9:15
C. Money matters are very dangerous to family relationships. Pr. 22:7
1. Just because you can afford to help them doesn t mean you really would be doing them
any good.
2. Sometimes it is appropriate to establish conditions for financial help.
3. Generally it is better not to attach strings.
4. Lending money among family members tends to generate stress and conflict.
5. Must you treat each child equally?
6. Yourattempts at generosity may actually harm relationships.
VI. What is your role as your adult children approach courtship and marriage?
A. Ideally you will have significant positive involvement in your child s courtship.
Gen. 2:24 I Co. 7:36-38(?) Ex. 22:16-17 Dt. 22:13-21
1. Ideally, both sets of parents will be actively involved in the courtship.
2. Children are wise to seek and heed parental wisdom. Pr. 31:30 3:5-6 Jer. 17:9
3. Ideally, all will agree as to the choice of a spouse, the timing of the wedding, etc.
4. We don t always receive what is ideal in life.
5. Give your dreams to God.
B. What authority do parents have in their children s choice of a spouse?
1. If you don t have your child s trust (heart) you will have relatively little influence on their
choice of a spouse.
2. Parents do not have the right to impose marriage on their child. I Co. 7:39
3. Parents must be careful not to provoke their children to anger. Col. 3:21
4. Some young people marry just to escape tyrannical parental authority.
5. Underwhat circumstances may a child go against parental wishes when marrying?
128

C. What should you do if your children make romantic choices which you believe to be less than
ideal?
1. What if:
a. Yourchild marries a professing Christian against your will?
b. Yourchild marries an unbeliever? II Co. 6:14 I Cor. 9:5 7:39,16 I Ki. 11:4
c. Yourchild lives with someone out of wedlock? Heb. 13:4
d. Yourchild is a practicing homosexual?
2. Some would say that you should shun a disobedient adult child.
3. You are to pursue peace. Build the relationship, so far as possible. Rom. 12:18ff
4. You are free to love people who have sinned against you. Gen. 45 Mt. 5:43ff
5. The limitation is that you cannot participate in sin. Rom. 14:23
6. Be sure that you are limiting because of conscience; not anger, bitterness, or a desire to
control. Eph. 4:26-27
D. How can you be an in-law without becoming an outlaw?
1. How does your relationship with yourchild change?
2. What kind of relationship should you expect with your child s spouse?
3. Be careful to respect the integrity of this new family unit. Genesis 2:24
4. Be ready to overlookoffenses and slights which may occur. I Pe. 4:8 Ro. 12:18ff
5. What should you do if your child s spouse tries to shut you out? Mt. 7:5
6. Pursue peace.
a. Avoid unbiblical responses of attacking or fleeing.
b. Get the beam out of your own eye. Mt. 7:1ff
c. Gently restore. Gal. 6:1-2
d. The PAUSE principle.
(1) Prepare for peacemaking
(2) Affirm relationships. Phil. 4:1-2
(3) Understand interests. Phil. 2:3-4
(4) Search for creative solutions. Dan. 1
(5) Evaluate options objectively.
7. What should you do when you see your child is in a terrible marriage? Mt. 19:6
E. How should you respond if your adult child is going through adivorce?
1. You need to evaluate the divorce based upon biblical grounds.
2. You need to stand up for what God sWord says is right, even if this means standing
against your own child.
F. What if your adult child remains single?
1. Be carefulnot to push him/her too hard towards marriage.
2. Recognize he/she may have the gift of singleness. I Co. 7:1,8,32-33
3. Help him/her to get ready for marriage.
VII. What is yourrole with your grandchildren?
A. Grandchildren are ablessing to grandparents. Dt. 4:25 Ps. 103:17 128:6 Pr. 17:6
Job 42:16
B. Grandparents are to be a blessing to theirgrandchildren.
1. Aspiritual heritage. Deut. 4:9 6:2 Ex. 10:2 II Tim. 1:5
2. An earthly heritage. Pr. 13:22
129

C. How can grandparentshelp their children and grandchildren?
1. Counsel to parents.
2. Positive relationship with and role model for grandchildren.
3. Prayer.
4. Childcare.
D. What are some danger spots for grandparents?
1. Don t show favoritism.
2. Don t undermine parental authority. You must respect the right of the parents to raise
their children according to their own conscience.
3. When in doubt check with the parents before giving your grandchildren a gift.
4. Can a grandparent spank a grandchild?
5. What should parents do when the grandparents don t respect their rules for the kids?
6. What spiritual influence can you have if the parents aren t believers?
7. Both parentsand grandparents should beware ofselfishness.
E. What should grandparents do when access to their grandchildren is restricted?
F. Sometimes grandparents have to take over the parental role.
Parental responsibility should be accompanied by parental authority.
VIII. What are the responsibilities of grown children to their parents?
A. Even after leaving home, you are still to honor your parents. Ex. 20:12
1. Seek yourparents counsel.
2. Build your relationship with them. Ro. 12:18
B. You are responsible to ensure that your parents financial needs are met.
I Ti. 5:4 Mt. 15:3-9 John 19:26-27
C. You may wind up becoming their care-giver.
D. Older parentsneed to be ready to accept the limitations of old age.
IX. Conclusion.
130

Dealing with Rebellious Teens:
When Good Kids Make Bad Choices
I. Review: Why do kids turn out the way they do?
II. How can parents prevent their kidsfrom getting out of control?
A. Discipline them while there is hope. (See Shepherding a Child s Heart, by Ted Tripp
and Withhold not Correction, by Bruce Ray) Eph. 6:4
1. Why is discipline necessary? Gen. 8:21 Ps. 51:5 Prov. 22:15
2. How should discipline be carried out? The Process.
a. You must be self-disciplined.
b. Teach principles of behavior from the Bible.
c. Don t merely target behavior. Deal with the heart of sin. Pr.4:23 Mk. 7:20-23
d. Demand immediate and respectful obedience.
e. When the rules are broken take disciplinary action. Pr.22:15 29:15 13:24
f. Lovingly forgive and restore the relationship. IJohn 1:9
g. Point them to their need of redemption in Christ.
3. Questions about discipline.
a. Why not use time outs and other methods favored by modern psychologists?
Pr. 22:15 19:18 Col. 2:8-9
b. But I love my child too much to spank him/her. Pr. 23:13-14. 13:24 19:18
c. Are there times when other forms of discipline should be used? Ex. 22:1
d. Is there a legitimate place for rewards for obedience? Eph. 6:2-3
e. What about kids diagnosed with ADD orADHD?
f. What about disciplining older children (teens)?
4. Discipline is hard work (love)! Heb. 12:6-9 Don t lose heart.
You are disciplining them on the Lord's behalf.
B. Train them in the Word. Dt. 6:4-9,20-25 Pr. 6:20-23 (See Age of Opportunity, by
Paul Tripp, Rediscovering the Lost Treasure of Family Worship, by J. Marcellino)
1. Parents are responsible forthe education of their children. Prov. 6:20-23
a. The primary place of training is the home.
b. Children need to understand all of reality from the perspective of Scripture.
c. You are to prepare your children to live as God's people in the world.
d. You cannot delegate the education of your children to anyone else.
e. Make yourfamily the primary influence in your child s life.
2. You must instruct your children. Deut. 6:4-9,20-25
a. The Word must first be on your heart! Deut. 6:4-6
b. Train them through formal teaching: Family Worship Deut. 6:7 II Ti. 3:15
c. Train your children through informal instruction. Deut. 6:9, 20-25
d. Prepare them for adult life.
e. Strive to build an intimate relationship with your children. Pr. 20:5
3. Evangelize your children. Dt. 6:20-25
Incorporate the gospel into the way you train your children.
C. Don t provoke them to anger. Col 3:21 (See The Heart of Anger, by Lou Priolo)
1. Overdiscipline I John 5:3
a. Unrealistic demands and expectations. ITh. 2:11 I Co. 13:11
b. Overprotection: Not letting children grow up. Luke 12:48 I Co. 13:11
c. Anger/harshness: verbal or physical abuse. Js. 1:19-20 Mt. 5:21-23
d. Humiliation and ridicule. Mt. 18:15a Eph. 4:29
e. Refusal to listen. Pr. 18:3,17 Eph. 4:25 Js. 1:19 Pr. 20:5 Deut 6:20
f. False accusations, faultfinding and negativity. Pr.19:11
131

g. Failure to encourage and reward good behavior. Col. 3:21 Rev. 2-3 I Co. 1:1f
h. Failure to express unconditional and deep love. Ps. 103:13-14
2. Underdiscipline. Prov. 19:18 ISam. 3:13
a. Lack of boundaries and failure to enforce standards. Pr. 29:15
b. Threats not carried out.
c. Overindulgence and enabling sinful behavior.
d. Achild-centered home.
3. Using worldly methodologies instead of the Bible!
a. Behaviorism: Seeking to control behavior without addressing the heart.
b. Pharisaicalworks-based discipline.
c. Stressing self esteem. II Ti. 3:1-2.
d. Misplaced parental values and priorities: Idolatry. Calling card .
4. Other ways to frustrate and embitter your children: inconsistency, favoritism,
comparison, hypocrisy, broken promises, lack of marital harmony, neglect,
selfishness. Ge. 25:28 Mt. 5:23-24,37 Ps. 15:4 Col. 3:9 Eph. 5:22-33 II Sa. 14:28
D. Can a man be a church leader if he is having trouble with his children? I Tim. 3:4
1. Must an elder s children be believers? Titus 1:6 1:9 3:8 II Tim. 2:2 I Tim. 1:12
2. While a man can be expected to discipline his children, he cannot be held
responsible for their election and regeneration.
3. Is a man responsible for the actions of his adult children who are out of the home?
III. What should parents do when their children rebel? 19:18
A. First deal with yourself.
1. Confess your own sinful failures. Pr. 13:24 23:13-14 Col. 3:21 Mt. 7:1f 5:23-24
2. Recognize the sin of your child for what it is. Pr. 22:15a
3. Seek godly counsel. Pr. 11:14 15:22 20:18
4. Be prepared to face the reality that your child may not be a believer.
5. Pray and fast. Only God can change a rebellious heart of a child (or a parent).
Matt. 17:21 Mark 9:29
B. Take care of the rest of your family.
1. Be sure you and your spouse are united.
2. Watch out for your other children.
C. Mount a discipline offensive.
1. Be prepared to do some investigation.
2. Remove bad influences from his life. Prov. 1:10f 13:20 Mt. 5:29-30 I Co. 15:33
3. Establish clear and reasonable expectations.
a. Curfew. Pr. 2:13 7:9 I Thess. 5:7
b. Entertainment standards: TV, movies, music, computer (internet/games). Pr.
5:8 Rom. 13:14 Eph. 5:3
c. Manner of listening and speaking to parents. Pr. 19:26 20:20 30:17 Ex. 20:12
d. Church involvement. Pr. 8:1f Heb. 10:24-25
e. Treatment of siblings. Pr. 18:6 12:16 Phil. 2:3-4
f. Substance abuse. Pr. 23:29-35 20:1 Eph. 5:18
g. Work/school performance. (Not to remain idle.) Pr. 6:6-11
h. Contribution to family: chores, finances, etc. Pr. 10:5 Eph. 4:28
i. Participation in family activities (including family worship). Pr. 1:8 Dt. 6:7
j. Companions/use of phone. Pr. 13:20 14:7 22:24 I Co. 15:33
k. Dress code. Deut. 22:5
132

4. Define and enforce consequences. Pr. 23:13-14 19:18
5. Appealto your child on a heart level. Pr. 22:15 2:2,10 3:1,3 4:23 6:21 11:20 14:14
19:3 28:26 1:7 Mark 7:21f
6. It may be wise to have your child examined by a physician to see if there are
physiological elements which are complicating the situation.
7. Don t undermine your own efforts.
a. Both parents must be of one mind.
b. Don t make empty threats and don t allow yourself to be manipulated!
D. Mount a love offensive.
1. Make it clear that your love is unconditional. Mt. 5:44-45 I John 4:19
2. Find ways you can show love to your kids without compromising your standards.
3. Be ready to forgive.
4. Nevergive up!
IV. How can you handle incorrigible kids? Pr. 19:18 29:1 Dt. 21:18f Ex. 21:15 Le. 20:9
A. Beware of two extremes.
1. Giving up too soon because of personal hurt feelings, anger and bitterness.
2. Tolerating and enabling sin.
B. Under the Old Covenant, out of control (incorrigible) kids were put to death
Pr. 19:18 Dt. 21:18-21
1. Drastic measures were required to ensure the purity of the covenant community.
2. Principles which remain.
a. It is possible for a child to be incorrigible (out of control).
b. Children (minors) are held responsible for their sinful choices.
c. We are to be concerned about the corrupting influence of an incorrigible child
upon the church (and the home).
d. We must be prepared to take drastic measures.
3. God finally reaches a point at which He deals with Israel this way. Jer. 3:8 7:28
C. New Covenant applications.
1. Apostatesand rebels are no longer executed by the covenant community.
2. Bring them before the church leaders: excommunication. I Cor. 5:1f Mt. 18:15f
3. Bring them before the civil leaders: criminal penalties. Mt. 18:17
a. The magistrate doesn t always do his job.
b. Parents sometimes wrongfully circumvent the criminal consequences of their
children sbehavior.
4. Put them out of the house.
a. After they are legal adults you can kick them out and, if necessary, get a
restraining order.
b. If they are still minors, you are still legally required to provide food, shelter,
and housing.
c. You may, however, send them to a disciplined and controlled environment
where they will receive food and shelter.
d. Do this in love, not anger. Rom. 12:18f
D. The goals of drastic measures.
1. Protection for those who remain: Pr. 1:10f I Co. 5:6
2. The Lord may even use this hardship, like church discipline, to drive your child to
his senses. Pr. 3:11-12 I Co. 5:5
133

E. When can they come home?
1. Beware of being manipulated and becoming enablers of their sinful lifestyle.
2. The child must be repentant. Luke 15:18,21 IICo. 7:10-11
Learn the difference between worldly sorrow and godly sorrow over sin.
3. He/she must be willing to follow the house rules. (Written contracts)
V. Concluding Applications.
A. Both parents and children are responsible. Prov. 23:13-16
B. There is hope for failed parents and rebellious kids. Luke 15:17-20
When Good Kids Make Bad Choices: Discussion Questions
1. What factors determine how kids turn out?
2. What should parents do to prevent their children from rebelling?
3. What should you do when you sense your child is rebelling?
4. What investigation may be necessary in order to understand the scope of your problem?
5. How can you know if your child is a Christian?
6. What can you do to protect the rest of your family from the effects of a rebellious child?
7. Who are some allies you can enlist to help you with your wayward child?
8. How do you discipline a wayward child?
9. How can you show love to a rebellious child?
10. When is a child considered incorrigible?
11. What can you do with an incorrigible child?
12. When can you let a wayward child back into the home?
134

135
Drlaurahendrickson.com

136
Drlaurahendrickson.com

Knowing God s Will: Part 1 Deut. 29:29
I. Introduction. The secret things belong to the LORD our God, but the things revealed belong to
us and to our sons forever, that we may observe all the words of this law.
II. How many wills does God have?
A. God s moral (revealed) will. Deut. 29:29b I Th. 4:3 5:18 Eph. 5:17 6:6 I Pe. 2:15
Heb. 13:21 I Jo. 2:17 Rom. 12:2 2:18 Col. 1:9 4:12 Mt. 7:21 12:50 Mark 3:35
John 4:34 7:17 Acts 13:22 I Tim. 2:4 Psalm 40:8
1. This aspect of God s will refers to His commands and His desires.
a. I Thess. 4:3 For this is the will of God, your sanctification....
b. I Pe. 2:15 For such is the will of God that by doing right you may silence the
ignorance of foolish men.
c. Mt. 7:21 Not everyone who says to Me, Lord, Lord, will enter the kingdom of heaven,
but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter.
d. I Ti. 2:4 He desires all men to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth.
2. Where do we learn of God s moral will? II Tim. 3:16-17 Ps. 119:105 Your Word is a
lamp to my feet and a light to my path.
3. God s revelation in Scripture is complete and infallible. Heb. 1:1-2 Eph. 2:20
4. Anyone claiming new revelation must meet an exceedingly high standard.
Deut. 13:1-5 18:18-22 II Pet. 1:20-21
a. What he predicts must come to pass perfectly in every detail.
b. What he says must be in perfect harmony with previous revelation (Scripture).
5. People who claim supernatural guidance are claiming new revelation from God.
B. God s sovereign will (His plan). Deut. 29:29a Eph. 1:11 Rom. 9:18-19,22 1:10 15:32
I Co. 1:1 4:19 12:18 II Ti. 1:1 Heb. 10:9 I Pet. 3:17 4:19 Gal. 1:4 Isa. 53:10 46:8-11
Acts 18:21 2:23 21:14 Js. 4:15 Ps. 33:11 Mt. 26:42 John 5:30 6:38-40 Col. 1:27
Prov. 16:9 19:21 Dan. 4:35 Acts 17:26
1. This aspect of God s will refers to His providentially working all things according to
His perfect eternal purpose (decrees). Eph. 1:11 Romans 8:28 Who works all things
afterthe counsel of his will.
a. God has planned and decreed all things from eternity past. Isa. 46:8-11
b. He works all things according to His will in the present. Ps. 33:11 The counsel of
the LORD stands forever. The plans of His heart from generation to generation.
c. He does whatsoever He pleases. Ps. 115:3 Our God is in the heavens; He does
whatever He pleases.
2. He is sovereign over any plans we make. Prov. 16:9 The mind of man plans his way,
but the LORD directs his steps. I Cor. 4:19 I will come to you soon, if the Lord wills...
3. God s sovereign will allows and uses events which violate His moral will. Gen. 50:20
Is. 53:10 Acts 2:23 4:28 Luke 22:42 As for you, you meant evil against me, but God
meant it for good... This man, delivered over by the predetermined plan and
foreknowledge of God, you nailed to a cross by the hands of godless men...
4. How can you know God s sovereign will?
C. We are to submit to every aspect of God s will. Mt. 6:10 Luke 22:42 John 4:34
1. We should desire to do His revealed will.
2. We should willingly embrace His sovereign will.
3. It is futile to resist Him. Ps. 2:9-10 Dan. 4:34-35
137

D. Does the Bible teach that God has a hypothetical perfect willbeyond His revealed
precepts and sovereign plan?
1. People express this as aiming for the center of God s will: the bull seye.
2. They claim those who miss the bull seye have to settle for plan B.
3. The Bible does not teach that any such hypothetical will of God exists.
4. God only has one plan: plan A. Romans 8:28
5. What is the harm of seeking a hypothetical perfect will of God? (bull s eye).
a. People waste time and effort pursuing something which doesn t exist.
b. People neglect pursuit of God s revealed will which isto guide their choices.
c. People live with false regrets about legitimate choices they have made in
accordance with God s moral and sovereign will.
III. Should we expect supernatural guidance?
A. The desire for supernatural guidance is not limited to believers.
1. Pagans also seek direction for the future.
2. Mystical pursuit of God s secret things is explicitly forbidden in Scripture.
Deut. 18:9-12 Lev. 19:26-31 Isa. 47:33 II Ki. 17:16 Ezek. 21:21
3. Some Christians try to pursue God s will in a way which resembles paganism.
B. In the Bible, supernatural guidance is unmistakable, authoritative, significant, and
exceptional.
1. When God reveals Himself, He leaves no doubt.
2. God srevelation comes with His full authority. Dt. 13:1-5 18:18-19 II Pet. 1:20-21
3. God reveals Himself to key people at crucial points in the history of redemption.
4. The main characters in the Bible ordinarily operated upon the revelation they had
already been given, rather than constantly seeking special guidance. Acts 15:36 20:16
Phil. 2:25-26 II Cor. 2:12-13 Rom. 15:20-24 I Th. 3:1-2
5. Now we have a complete Bible which equips us to make godly choices. II Pe. 1:3f
6. We are nevertold to seekorexpect mystical supernatural guidance.
C. In what ways do Christians wrongly seek supernatural guidance?
1. Putting out a fleece. Judges 6:36-40
a. Gideon had already received supernaturalguidance and knew God smoralwill for
his life. Judges 6:12-16
b. Gideon sdesire fora sign was due to lack of faith.
c. The sign asked for was supernatural, not merely coincidental.
d. Gideon sact is never used in Scripture as an example for us to follow.
2. Casting lots (rolling dice, flipping a coin). Acts 1:15-26 Pr. 18:18 16:33 He. 1:1-2
a. Peter knowingly fulfilled Scriptural prophecy. Ps. 69:25 109:8
b. Other apostles had been personally appointed by Jesus. Acts 1:2 Lu. 16:13
c. The field of candidates was narrowed from 120 to 2 using God s revealed will.
Acts 1:21b-22 I Cor. 15:5-9
d. This is the last recorded instance of guidance being sought in this way.
e. How did the apostles select church elders? I Tim. 3:1f Titus 1Acts 14:23
3. Asking for signs from God. Mt. 12:39 16:4 24:24 II Cor. 11:14
a. Awicked generation seeks a sign.
b. Satan can produce counterfeit miracles and lying signs.
c. We are nevertold to seek signs for guidance.
138

4. Open doors (circumstances). ICo. 16:8-9 IICor. 2:12-13 Jonah 1:1-3 I Sa. 24:1f
a. Not all open doors should be entered.
b. Some open doors violate God s revealed will. Jonah 1:3 I Sam. 24:4-7
c. All circumstances/open doors must be evaluated in light of Scripture.
5. Dreams and visions. Ezek. 13:1-9 Daniel 2 Genesis 41
6. Relying upon feelings and impressions. Pr. 14:12 3:5-6 28:26 Jer. 17:9
Rom. 8:14-16 Gal. 5:18 Prov. 28:26 Eph. 4:22 Js. 1:14
a. Feelingsand impressions are never identified as the leading of the Spirit.
b. Scripture tells us to mistrust our feelings. Pr. 14:12 28:26 Jer. 17:9
c. Even conscience may be defiled, seared, and evil. Titus 1:15 II Ti. 4:2
d. Should we ever pay attention to our feelings?
7. Using Scripture texts out of context, lucky dipping . II Pe. 3:16-17 II Tim. 2:15
D. Some claim God speaks to them.
1. Amazingly, many cessationists (those who believe revelation has ceased) claim God
gives them specific direction.
2. Does God speak to us in prayer?
3. If you claim God is speaking to you, you are claiming prophetic status and will be held
to that standard. Deut. 13:1f 18:18f
E. Why is it wrong to seek mystical supernaturalguidance? Deut. 29:29
1. We sinfully want a level of knowledge, certainty, and control over our decisions
beyond what God offers us. Dt. 29:29 Christian mysticism.
2. We don t want to take responsibility for our decisions and their consequences.
3. We don t want to trust God for the unknown future.
F. What is the harm of seeking supernatural guidance?
1. Many claiming supernatural guidance have made unwise choices and have caused
great harm to themselves and others.
2. People claiming supernatural guidance exercise great sway over others.
3. The guidance God offers in His infallible and all sufficient Word is neglected.
4. People put themselves under bondage, experiencing unnecessary anxiety and delay
oversimple decisions. Gen. 2:16-17
5. They fret over past decisions.
G. What about verses which speak of God guiding us? Js. 1:5 Prov. 3:5-6 Ps. 23 Eph. 5:17
Col. 1:9 Rom. 12:2
1. These verses are not speaking about mystical guidance.
2. He guides us through His revealed Word which tells us how to live.
3. He directs us through providence as we see His perfect plan unfold.
IV. Concluding applications.
A. Don t be a Christian mystic.
B. Look to the revelation God has given in His Word.
C. Is there something you know to be God s will which you aren t obeying? Acts 17:30
139

140

I. Introduction and review.
A. Review. Deut. 29:29 18:9-12
Knowing God sWill: Part 2 Proverbs 3:5-6
B. Yourattitude in decision-making is crucial. Ps. 37:4 Pr. 4:23 2:1-5 Mt. 22:37f 6:10
Luke 22:42 I Cor. 10:31 James 1:5
II. How does God guide you? Ps. 23 Prov. 3:5-6
A. God guides you throughHis Word. Ps. 119:24 II Tim. 3:16-17 II Pe. 1:3 Your testimonies are
my delight. They are my counselors.
1. The Bible provides infallible and sufficient direction. II Tim. 3:16-17 II Pe. 1:3
2. How can you use the Bible to help youmake decisions? Psalm. 1:2
3. Apply texts according to their meaning in context. II Tim. 2:15
B. God guides you through wise counsel. Prov. 15:22 12:15 19:20 Without consultation plans are
frustrated, but with many counselors, they succeed...
1. Select your counselors carefully. Ps. 1:1 I Ki. 12:1f Col. 2:8 Heb. 13:17 Titus 2:3-5
2. Why is counsel necessary? Pr. 28:26 27:6
3. The job of a counselor is to help you to apply the Bible to your situation.
4. Counsel should be weighted, not merely counted.
5. Good Christian books can provide useful counsel. Resources for Changing Lives.
C. God guides you through the Holy Spirit (The Counselor). Ro. 8:14 John 16:13 17:17 Eph. 1:13
For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God.
1. Nowhere is the leading of the Holy Spirit referred to as a feeling.
2. The Spirit of Truth gives you understanding of God s Word: illumination.
John 14:26 16:13 17:17 ICo. 2:12-14 Rom. 12:2 Col. 1:9
3. The Spirit helps you to apply the Word to your life. Ezek. 36:27 Ro. 8:4,13 Js. 4:5
Gal. 5:16f Ps. 139:13-14 John 16:8
D. How does God guide you through prayer? James 1:5
1. Don t expect a mystical answer to prayer.
2. Don t use prayer as an excuse for an irresponsible or selfish decision.
3. Pray that God will give you wisdom to apply the Bible to your situation. Ps. 25:4-5
119:12,26,33,66,73,125 Prov. 2:1-11 Phil. 1:9-10 Col. 1:9-10 James 1:5 II Tim. 2:7
Make me know your ways, O LORD; Teach me Your paths...
4. Pray that God will give you the desire and ability to do His moral will. Phil. 2:13
5. Pray that God will give you the grace to embrace His sovereign will. Js. 4:13f
E. Is there any sense in which God guides you through feelings? Rom. 5:1 II Cor. 2:13
1. Feelings of peace or a lackof peace have causes whichneed to be understood.
2. You may lack peace because deep downyou know you are doing wrong.
3. You may lack peace because youare very cautious or anxious by nature.
4. Your desires may also influence your decisions. I Tim. 3:1 I Cor. 7:39 Ecc. 11:9
5. All feelings must be tested against the Word of God.
F. God guides you through providence (circumstances) which reveal His sovereign will. James
4:13-17 Acts 18:21 Prov. 16:9 27:1 Ro. 1:13 I Cor. 4:19 Mt. 6:10
1. You make your plans and decisions, but the Lord controls the outcome.
Pr. 16:9 The mind of man plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps.
2. He opens and closes doors.
3. Be carefulnot to mystically interpret all open and closed doors as signs from God.
141

III. Willyou always receive clear guidance from God on every decision?
A. Some decisions are based upon direct commands of Scripture. I Jo. 3:4 Js. 4:17
B. Many decisions are not as clear-cut, and must be made according to wisdom.
1. The Bible does not give you a specific answer for every situation. For example:
a. Should I marry? Whom should I marry?
b. At what standard of living should I live?
c. How much should I give to the Lord s work? Through whomshould I give?
d. Whereshould I live?
e. Whicheducation should I pursue?
f. What vocation should I select?
g. Whichchurchshould I join?
h. Am I called to full-time ministry or missions work?
i. How should I divide my time among church, family, and work?
2. Searchthe Scriptures to find principles of wisdom which apply.
a. Marriage. Genesis 2:18-25 Proverbs 31 Eph. 5:22f I Pet. 3:1-7 I Cor. 7:1f
b. Finances and giving. Ro. 13:8 Pr. 22:7 I Ti. 6:9f Lu. 14:28-29
c. Giving. II Cor. 8-9 I Cor. 16:1-2 I Tim. 6:17
d. Location. Heb. 13:17 I Tim. 5:8
e. Educationand career. Pr. 22:29 12:11 I Cor. 15:33
f. Church. Heb. 13:17 I Tim. 3:1-7
g. Call to ministry. I Cor. 12:13 I Pet. 4:10-11 I Tim. 3:1f Titus 1:5f
h. Priorities. I Cor. 10:13
3. Often there will be biblical principles which weigh on both sides of a decision.
4. Questions to ask yourself.
a. What will bring the most glory to God? I Cor. 10:31
b. Are you motivated by a love of the world and the flesh, or by a love for God?
I John 2:15-17
c. Are you being sinfully expedient? Luke 14:27
d. What will show love to others? Phil. 2:3-4 I Cor. 10:33 Romans 15:1
e. Would this cause others to stumble? Rom. 14:15
f. What will contribute to your spiritual growth? I Cor. 6:12 All things are lawful
for me, but not all things are profitable...
g. What will best fit your gifts and abilities? Acts 6:2-3
h. What would Jesus do? I Pet. 2:21 Rom. 15:7-8 John 13:15
5. Sometimes it helps to make lists to weigh pros and cons.
C. Once youhave examined the biblical reasons, you are free to consider your desires.
I Cor. 7:39 I Tim. 3:1
1. Sometimes multiple choices will be within the realm of your freedom. Ge. 2:16-17
2. Youmay chooseaccording to your desire. I Cor. 7:39
D. Onceyou make your decision, trust God for the outcome. James 4:13-17 I Cor. 4:19
1. It is good to plan and to be decisive. Pr. 21:5
2. But God directs your steps and determines the result. Pr. 16:9 27:1 Js. 4:13-17
3. Submit to His sovereign will as it is revealed to you. Acts 18:21 Ro. 1:13
E. Rejoice as you look back uponHis wonderful providence (leading) as He works out His plan for
your life. Rom 8:28 Ge. 50:20
IV. Concluding summary.
142

Part III: Counseling Helps for the Biblical Counselor

Some of My Favorite Counseling Resources
I. Counseling Theory and Practice.
A. Competent to Counsel, Jay Adams
B. Christian Counselors Manual, Jay Adams
C. Helps forCounselors: A mini-manual for Christian counseling, Jay Adams
D. ATheology of Christian Counseling, Jay Adams
E. Quick Scripture Reference Guide for Counseling, Kruis
F. Counseling: How to Counsel Biblically, John MacArthur and Wayne Mack
G. A Homework Manualfor Biblical Living (Volumes 1-3), Wayne Mack
II. Family.
A. General Family.
1. Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage in the Bible, Jay Adams
2. Solving Marriage Problems, Jay Adams
3. Christian Living in the Home, Jay Adams
4. Strengthening Your Marriage, Wayne Mack (workbook)
5. Your Family God s Way, Wayne Mack (communication)
6. Rediscovering the Lost Treasure of Family Worship, Jerry Marcellino
7. Peacemaking for Families, Ken Sande
8. When Sinners Say I Do , Dave Harvey
B. Singles and Pre-marriage.
1. Passion and Purity, Elizabeth Elliot
2. I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Joshua Harris
3. Preparing for Your Marriage God s Way, Wayne Mack (workbook)
4. Losing that Loving Feeling, Lou Priolo
5. Christian Courtship versus the Dating Game, Jim West
6. The Art of Choosing YourLove, Jim West
7. When Sinners Say I Do , Dave Harvey
C. Husband.
1. The Complete Husband, Lou Priolo
2. The Exemplary Husband, Stuart Scott
D. Wife.
1. Helperby Design, Elyse Fitzpatrick
2. What Do You Do When You re Abused by Your Husband, Needham and Pryde
3. The Excellent Wife, Martha Peace
4. Because He Loves Me, Elyse Fitzpatrick
E. Child Raising.
1. Gospel-Centered Parenting, Elyse Fitzpatrick
2. When Good Kids Make Bad Choices, Elyse Fitzpatrick, Jim Newheiser, and Laura
Hendrickson
3. You NeverStop Being a Parent, Jim Newheiser and Elyse Fitzpatrick
4. Come BackBarbara, Miller(wayward children)
5. The Heart of Anger, Lou Priolo
6. Withhold not Correction, Bruce Ray
7. Age of Opportunity, Paul Tripp (teens)
8. Shepherding a Child sHeart, Ted Tripp
143

III. Other issues.
A. Lust.
1. Every Man s Battle, Arterburn and Stoeker
2. Pure Freedom: Breaking the Addiction to Pornography, Mike Cleveland
3. Not Even a Hint, Joshua Harris
4. At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry, Steve Gallagher
5. A Biblical Guide to Counseling the Sexual Addict, Steve Gallagher
6. An Affair of the Mind, Laurie Hall (psychological in many respects, but valuable because
it explains the woman s perspective when her husband is immoral)
B. Addictions.
1. The Useful Lie, Playfair (drunkenness)
2. Addictions, a Banquet in the Grave, Ed Welch
3. Crossroads Study Guide, Ed Welch
C. Fear.
1. The FearFactor, Wayne Mack
2. When People are Big and God is Small, by Ed Welch (fear of man)
3. Trusting God, Jerry Bridges
D. The Church.
1. Stop Dating the Church, Joshua Harris
2. Life in the Father s House, Wayne Mackand Dave Suavely
3. To Be or Not To Be a Church Member, Wayne Mack
E. Other.
1. From Forgiven to Forgiving, Jay Adams
2. Right with God, John Blanchard
3. Because He Loves Me, Elyse Fitzpatrick
4. Comforts from the Cross, Elyse Fitzpatrick
5. Counsel from the Cross, Elyse Fitzpatrick
6. Idols of the Heart, Elyse Fitzpatrick
7. Love to Eat Hate to Eat, Elyse Fitzpatrick
8. Overcoming Fear, Worry and Anxiety, Elyse Fitzpatrick.
9. Women Helping Women, Elyse Fitzpatrick
10. Spiritual Depression: Its Causes and Its Cure, Martyn Lloyd-Jones
11. Angerand Stress Management God s Way, Wayne Mack
12. Down, But Not Out: How to get Up When Life Knocks You Down, Wayne Mack
13. God sSolutions to Life s Problems, Wayne and Joshua Mack
14. Repentance, John C. Miller
15. The Peacemaker, Ken Sande (biblical conflict resolution by a man who is to lawyers
what Jay Adams is to psychologists. He also has materials for children
16. The Christian Counselor s Medical Desk Reference, Robert Smith
17. Lost in the Middle: Midlife and the Grace of God, Paul Tripp
18. Warof Words, Paul Tripp
19. Blame it on the Brain, by Ed Welch (mind-body questions: ADD, Alzheimer s,
depression, etc.)
144

IV. Shorterbooklets and Tracts.
A. Peacemaker tracts and bookmarks.
B. Jay Adams:
1. Tracts: Worry, Substance Abuse, Fear, Marriage, Anger, Depression
2. Booklets: Christ and Your Problems, Godliness Through Discipline
C. CCEF Booklets: Resources for Changing Lives: Marriage, Pornography, Teens and Sex,
Forgiveness, Domestic Abuse, Anger, Priorities, Desires, Depression, etc.
D. DayOne Booklets: Living in A Fallen World series
V. CDs/mp3s (especially valuable for those who won t read a book).
145

146

(Approximately) 100 Go to Texts forBiblical Counseling
I. Generalprinciples:
A. The Bible is infallible and sufficient for counseling. II Tim. 3:16-17
B. Apply the gospel specifically to every problem. Phil. 4:12
C. You and yourcounselee are totally dependent upon God for success. Jn. 15:5
II. Addressing various counseling problems.
A. Conflict resolution.
1. Pursue peace. Mt. 5:9
2. Listen carefully and listen to both sides. Prov. 18:13,17
3. First address your own sin. Mt. 7:3-5
4. Confront your erring brother in love. Gal. 6:1-2
5. Be prepared to follow the steps of church discipline. Mt. 18:15-20
6. Christians should not sue other Christians in secular courts. I Cor. 6:1f
7. Even if you do all you can to seek resolution, you may not succeed. Rom. 12:18
B. Anger.
1. Anger is murder. Mt. 5:21-22
2. The cause of conflict is sinful desire. Js. 4:1-6
3. An angry person is dangerous. Prov. 25:28
C. Revenge.
1. Don t take your own revenge. Trust God to do what is right. Rom. 12:19-21
2. Show love to your enemy. Mt. 5:43-48
D. Helping people who have been hurt by others (abused).
1. Bitterness is destructive. Heb. 12:15
2. Joseph trusted God and thereby forgave his abusers. Gen. 50:18
E. Communication.
1. The tongue is a fire. Js. 3:6f
2. Use your words to build up, not tear down. Don t always say whatever is on
your mind. Eph. 4:29
3. Be slow to speak and quick to listen. Js. 1:19-20
4. Focuson understanding the other person rather than upon being understood.
Phil. 2:3-4
5. A gentle answerturns away wrath. Prov. 15:1
F. Resisting temptation.
1. God s promise: you won t be tempted beyond what you are able. I Cor. 10:13
2. Joseph s example. Gen. 39:7-10
G. Lust.
1. Lust in the heart isadultery. Mt. 5:27-30
2. Flee lust. II Tim. 2:22
3. You are responsible for what you think about. Phil. 4:8-9 (also applies to fear,
worry, depression, etc.)
H. Fear.
1. The fearof man brings a snare. Prov. 29:25
2. Trusting in people is idolatry and will ruin you. Jer. 17:5-8
147

I. Worry.
1. Trust God to meet your needs. Mt. 6:25-34
2. Pray with thanksgiving. Phil. 4:6-7
J. Depression.
1. Are you depressed because of your sin? Ps. 32
2. The key to overcoming depression is not a change in yourcircumstances, but an
increase in your faith. Phil. 4:11-13
K. Addictions.
1. Addiction is seeking from some idol what God alone gives. Isa. 55:1-2
2. The root problem is that some love pleasure more than they love God. II Ti. 3:4
3. Substance abuse is sinful and destructive. Prov. 23:29-35
4. Co-dependents make the addict their idol. Jer. 17:5-8
L. Facing trials and calamity.
1. God sovereignly works all things together for good. Rom. 8:28
2. God uses trials in your sanctification. Js. 1:2f
3. Nothing can separate you from God s love in Christ. Rom. 8:31-39
M. Seeking forgiveness.
1. From God. I Jn. 1:8-10
2. From those you have wronged. Mt. 5:23-24
N. Granting forgiveness.
1. Forgive as you have been forgiven. Eph. 4:32
2. The story of the unmerciful servant. Mt. 18:21-35
O. Repentance.
1. How can you tell if repentance is genuine? II Cor. 7:9-11
2. An example of true repentance. Ps. 51
P. Presenting the gospel.
1. We are saved not by keeping the law, but by Christ s atoning death. Ro. 3:20-
26
2. Confess your sins. I Jn. 1:8-2:2
3. The substitution of the Lamb of God for sinners. Isa. 53:4-6
4. The thief on the cross as an example of salvation by grace. Lk. 23:39-43
5. We are saved by grace alone through faith alone. Eph. 2:8-9
Q. Assurance of salvation.
1. If you truly believe in the Lord Jesus, you have been born of God. I Jn. 5:1
2. If you are one of Christ s sheep, He keeps you safe. Jn. 10:28-29
3. If you have no regard for God s commandments you are still lost. I Jn. 2:3-4
4. If you have no love for the brethren, you have not been born of God. I Jn. 4:8-9
R. Sanctification.
1. The converted sinner is no longer to be labeled by his old deeds. I Cor. 6:9-11
2. Consider your old nature dead and your new nature alive in Christ. Rom. 6:11
3. The believer is a new person with a new nature. II Cor. 5:17
4. God willwork to sanctify you. Phil. 1:6
5. You are responsible to put forth effort in your sanctification. Phil. 2:12-13
6. Learn and apply the put off and put on dynamic. Eph. 4:22-24
148

7. Christ saved us that we might do good works. Tit. 2:14
S. Church involvement.
1. Regularattendance is mandatory. Heb. 10:25
2. God wants you to commit (join), making yourself accountable to particular
church leaders. Heb. 13:17
3. Each of us is to serve. I Pet. 4:10-11
4. Each of us is to give as God has prospered us. I Cor. 16:2
T. Workand employment.
1. God sdesign is that you work six days a week. Ex. 20:9
2. Don t be a sluggard. Prov. 6:6-11
3. If someone refuses to work, he should not eat. II Thess. 3:10
4. Serve God through your vocation. Eph. 6:5-9
U. Finances.
1. Planning (budgeting) is wise. Prov. 21:5
2. Acknowledge God s sovereignty over your finances. Js. 4:13-17
3. God gives you the ability to earn. Deut. 8:18
4. Avoid debt. Prov. 22:7
5. Don t make an idol of money, but store up treasure in heaven. Mt. 6:19-21
6. The love of money leads to every other evil behavior. I Tim. 6:10
7. Be generous with those in need. I Tim. 6:17-19
8. Giving to the Lord s work should be the first item in your budget. Prov. 3:9
9. Pay your taxes. Mt. 22:17-21
V. Decision Making/Knowing God s will.
1. Wholeheartedly seekwisdom from God. Js. 1:5 (also see Prov. 1-9).
2. Search for God s moral will in the Bible. II Tim. 3:16-17
3. Seekgodly counsel. Prov. 15:22
4. You can t know God s secret will. Deut. 29:29
5. Submit your plans to God ssovereign will. Prov. 16:9
6. Trust God, that Hisway is best. Prov. 3:5-6
W. Integrity.
1. Simply tell the truth. Mt. 5:37
2. Lying destroys relationships. Eph. 4:25
III. Family issues.
A. Marriage is divinely instituted.
1. God sdesign for marriage. Gen. 2:18-23
2. God sdirective for marriage. Gen. 2:24
B. The role of the husband.
1. Loving. Eph. 5:25-30
2. Understanding. I Pet. 3:7
3. Serving. Jn. 13:1f
C. The role of the wife.
1. Submission. Eph. 5:22-24
2. Dealing with an unsaved husband. I Pet. 3:1-6 (see context 2:21-25)
149

D. Sex.
1. Allsex outside of marriage is wrong. Heb. 13:4 (also see Gen. 2:24)
2. God wants us to be fruitful (have kids). Gen. 1:28
3. Yoursexuality belongs to your spouse. Don t deprive him/her. I Cor. 7:3-5
4. God wants married people to enjoy sex. Prov. 5:18-19 (also Song of Solomon)
E. Child training.
1. The duties of children. Eph. 6:1-3
2. The duties of parents. Eph. 6:4
3. The necessity of discipline. Prov. 19:18
F. Divorce.
1. God hates divorce. Mal. 2:16
2. What God has joined, let no man separate. Mt. 19:5-6
3. Adultery is a ground for divorce (the other person broke the covenant). Mt. 19:9
4. Abandonment by an unbeliever is a ground for divorce. I Cor. 7:15
5. Don t leave your unbelieving spouse or drive him/her away. I Cor. 7:12
150

HomeworkAssignments
Name:___________________________________ Date: __________ Initials: ________
1. Review Gospel facts.
2. Personal devotions (ACTS, prayer, study)
3. Family devotions (reading, discussion, prayer)
4. Conference table (follow attached instructions)
a. Joint prayer.
b. Read Bible together (Ephesians 4:17-32).
c. Work on Strengthening Your Marriage (Mack).
d. Review day together.
e. Add to log list .
5. Church life
a. Accountability
b. Worship
c. Teaching
d. Service
e. Fellowship
6. Ask forgiveness from:______________________________ for:__________________________
7. Review pamphlet on:
8. Read, memorize, and apply passage:
9. Complete Discovering Problem Patterns log.
10. Complete scheduling lists.
11. Do Put Off/Put On exercise.
12. Do Code of Conduct for children.
13. Write personalessay (childhood, courtship, testimony).
14. Bring spouse next time.
15. Bring elder/pastor next time.
16. Other:
151

152

The Use of Audio Resources in Counseling
by Jim Newheiser
How often has acounselee begun a session by saying, I mreallysorry that I didn t read my homework
assignment, Pastor. I really meant to, but didn thave time this week. You see, I mnot much of a reader.
As our TV/video/internet generation becomes less and less literate, counselors will be hearing more of this
excuse. Most pastors and counselors are avid readers and may tend to overestimate what others can handle.
While there are certainly benefits to teaching a counselee to be self-disciplined and to appreciate great
books, these may not be the fundamental issues to be addressed. In my counseling ministry, I have found
audios such as CDs and mp3s to be very effective homework assignments.
The Benefits of Using Audio Resources:
1. Audios Get Used. I have found a much higher percentage of listening assignments get done, as
opposed to reading assignments. Many counselees who do not have the discipline to sit down and read
abook (or even a pamphlet) are quite happy to listen to a CD. Here in Southern California most people
spend a large percentage of their time on the road. Few drive without some sort of audio playing. Once
aCD gets into their car, I have found that some counselees will listen to the same message again and
again. Others, such as homemakers and those who do manual labor, are able to listen while they work.
Better to hear the Word proclaimed, than listening to three more hours of Rush Limbaugh!
2. Audios Benefit People with Particular Learning Styles. When homeschooling our children, we
noticed that each of our sons had adifferent way of understanding material. One was able to retain what
he read while another best remembered what he had heard. Many of your counselees will be auditory
learners.
3. Audios Save Time in Counseling Sessions. Biblical counseling involves the same kind of instruction
from the Word as preaching. Your limited time with the counselee can be used more effectively if on his
own time he can listen to an mp3 containing your best instruction in a particular area. Then the session
can be spent applying what he has heard to his particular situation and answering questions he may have.
How to Get Started Using Audios:
1. Build a Library of Audios Which Deal with the Most Common Counseling Problems. In my
counseling box Icarry approximately 100 CDs onvarious topics and texts. Most of the audios are
from my preaching ministry in our local church. A benefit of using your own CDs is that you are
thoroughly familiar with their content. Also, you addressthe issue in the sermoninmuchthe same way
that you would inaprivate counseling session. If you haven tpreached on some commoncounseling
subjects, this may help motivate you to address issues that would benefit many members in your
congregation I found that preaching through the Sermon on the Mount was tremendously beneficial for
building up my libraryof counseling audios. Of course, it is also of great benefit to collect sermonsfrom
eminently gifted preachers and counselors to deal with particular subjects. The internet has made this
very possible, and many times popular speakers will do conferences on the material found in their books
and then post the audio on the web for free. The IBCD website has many counseling messages that you
can download for free.
2. Prepare Homework Assignments to Go Along with the Audio. It is not enoughmerely to get a
counselee to listen to an mp3. Homework must be given so that the counselor can ensure that the
purpose for the achievement has been achieved. I usually pass out study outlines along with the CD. In
addition I am working at preparing a printed list of questions to go with each audio. At a minimum, the
Tape Listening Assignment Questionnaire could be given from Wayne Mack s A Homework Manual
for Biblical Counseling (volume 1, page 173).
Conclusion: While audios are not a substitute for face-to-face counseling or being under the ministry of the
Word, they can be a tremendous supplement. Before you give up on counselees who don tdo their reading
assignments, try giving them some CDs to see if the Lord might use this means to apply His powerful and
sufficient Word to their needs.
153

154

Confidentiality Policy for IBCD
The Board, Director and staff of the Institute for Biblical Counseling and Discipleship,
hereinafter IBCD, understand that confidentiality is an important and vital aspect of the
counseling relationship. To that end, IBCD and its representatives agree to carefully
guard the information entrusted to them by counselees to the fullest extent possible.
Staff members and students participating in the IBCD program are expected to protect the
information they receive in order to ensure the integrity of the counseling process and the
privacyof the counselee. Should a Counselor orstudent fail to protect said information, it
may become necessary for them to be dismissed from service in the IBCD program.
Under certain circumstances, however, it may be necessary to reveal information
obtained inthe counseling process in order to uphold the principles of Scripture, the
standards ofGrace Bible Churchof North County, and/or the laws of the state of
California. IBCD does not hold to the legal concepts of the priest/penitent, doctor/
patient, psychotherapist/patient or counselor/counselee privileges.
Situations wherein it may become necessary to revealotherwise confidential information
include, but are not limited to:
1. Where a counselee, althoughencouraged to renounce a particular sin refuses to do
so, it may become necessary to seek the assistance of others in the church to
encourage repentance and reconciliation in accordance with the Scriptures (cf.
Proverbs 15:22, 24:11; Matthew 18:15-20). In said cases, only such information
as is necessary to deal with that particular sin will be revealed. Further, said
information will only be revealed to those biblically required to be involved. To
that end, it maybecome necessary to contact the pastor and/or other elders of a
counselee s home church.
2. Counselors, uncertain as to how a particular issue should be addressed, may
reveal necessaryinformation to and seek assistance from another Counselor or
pastor.
3. Where a counselee threatens to harm himself/herself or another person, it may
become necessary to notify the proper legal authorities, family members, pastor,
intended victimor all of the above. If the counselee makes such threats inthe
context of a counseling session, the Counselor will, immediately upon receiving
the information, consult with another IBCD Counselor and/or the Director, if such
is available, who willwork with them to assess the situation and assist in making
the appropriate notifications, if necessary.
4. If a Counselor is privyto evidence that abuse or some other crime hasbeen or is
about to be committed, it may be necessary to reveal such to the legal authorities.
5. IBCD recognizes that in the course ofthe loving discipline of their children,
Christian parents may employ corporal punishment, in accordance with the
teachings of Scripture and, in conformity with those Scriptures, IBCD supports a
155

parent sright to do so. However, if in the course of counseling, the Counselor
suspects that a minor child has been physically or sexually abused, the Counselor
willimmediatelyconsult with another IBCD Counselor and/or the Director who
willassist in the assessment of the situation. If it is then suspected that abuse has
occurred, the legal authorities will be contacted immediately. If no other
Counselor is available and a child is in imminent danger of being abused, the
Counselor will immediately contact the appropriate legal authorities without
employing the above consultation process.
6. Observers, including but not limited to, counseling students, may sit in on
counseling sessions, either to assist in the counseling process or for training
purposes.
7. Allobservers and Counselors agree to be bound by this confidentiality
agreement and should they be found to be in violation of this agreement
understand they face expulsion from the IBCD counseling program by the
IBCD Director.
I have read and understand the above Confidentiality Policy for IBCD and agree to be
bound by its terms.
Dated: Signed:
156

INSTITUTE FOR BIBLICAL COUNSELING AND DISCIPLESHIP
CONSENT TO COUNSELING
Our Goal: The purpose of Biblical Counseling is to help you meet the challenges of life in a
manner which is pleasing and honoring to the Lord Jesus Christ. Our counseling is offered free
of charge as a ministryof Grace Bible Church of North County, a California non-profit
corporation. Counselees are welcome to make a donation to the ministry;however, this is not a
required condition for counseling. You have no obligation, express or implied, to pay fees for the
counseling you receive through IBCD; however, donationsare appreciated and will help ensure
thatthe ministrycontinues. It costs us about $65 for each hour ofcounseling.
Biblical Basis: Counseling received through IBCD is strictly religious in nature and is
conducted under the authority and leadership of Grace Bible Church of North County.
We believe that the Bible, consisting of the Old and New Testaments, provides thorough
guidance and instruction for faith and life (cf. II Timothy 3:16-17, II Peter 1:3-4). Our counseling
is based solely on the principles of Scripture and does not employ the teachings or methods of
modern psychology or psychiatry.
Counselee Initials:
Other Professional Advice: If you have significant medical, legal, financial, or other technical
questions, you should seek the advice of a competent, independent professional. Our counselors
will cooperate with suchadvisors and will help you consider their counsel in the light of biblical
principles.
We urge our counselees to properly care for their physical bodies and to seek medical treatment
for all physiologicalproblems. Our counselors will assist you in responding to such problems in
a godly manner, but our counsel is not intended to replace the services of a qualified physician in
thetreatment of organic problems.
Confidentiality: Confidentiality is an important partof the counseling process. As IBCD differs
in some respects with traditional guidelines regarding confidentiality, we have developed a
policy which specifically addresses this issue. Said policy is attached to, incorporated in and
subject to the other provisions of this Consent to Counseling Agreement.
Conflict Resolution Arbitration: On rare occasions, a conflict may develop between a
counselor and a counselee. The Bible commands that Christians make every effort to live in
peace and to resolve disputes with each other in private or withinthe Christian Church (cf.
Matthew 18:15-20;I Corinthians6:1-8), without involvement of the secular courts. Therefore, in
order to ensure faithfulness to this biblical principle, we require all counselees to agree that any
claim or dispute arising under, out of, in connection with, or relating to, the counseling received
at IBCD or anydispute with a counselor thereof, or with the Grace Bible Churchof North
County, shall be settled by biblically-based mediation and, if necessary, legally binding
arbitration in accordance with the Rules of Procedure for Christian Conciliation of the Institute
for Christian Conciliation (a copy of which is available on request).
157

The arbiters will be the elders of Grace Bible Church of North County. If one or more elders of
Grace Bible Church of North Countyis a party to the dispute, then the three arbiters will be
selected from the elders of churches in the Fellowship of Independent Reformed Evangelicals
(nationwide), with each party to the dispute choosing one arbiter, and the two arbiters then
selecting the third. It is expressly understood that, by consenting in advance to arbitration, the
counselee is waiving his right to trial in the civil courts.
Counselee Initials:
Cancellation Policy: We do not charge for counseling, but we do charge if you do not show up
for an appointment. We would appreciate a 24 hour notice to let us know you will not be able to
make your appointment. If that happens, we will not schedule you for another appointment
until we receive a check for $30. The reason we must dothis is that some of our counselors
travel a long distance to get here. Their time is valuable and we want to be sure not to waste it.
The simple way to avoid this problem is to calland change your appointment as soon as you
know you willnot be able to keep it. Thank you for your cooperation.
Counselee Initials:
Having clarified the principles and policies of our counseling ministry, we welcome the
opportunity to minister to you in the name of Christ and to be used by Him as He helps you grow
in spiritual maturity and prepares you for usefulness in Hisbody. If you have any questions
about these guidelines, please speak with your counselor. Your signature below indicates your
informed consent to these guidelines.
Print Name:
Signature:
Date:
158

IBCD PERSONAL DATA INVENTORY
All information provided on this form will be kept confidential in the same manner as that
disclosed during counseling sessions. Please see our Confidentiality Policy.
Today's Date:__________
Name:____________________________________ Home Phone: (___) ____ - _____
Cell Phone: (___) ____ - _____ Email address: ______________________________
Address:__________________________________________________________
City:_______________________________ State:____ Zip:__________
Sex:___ Birth Date:_____________ Age:_______
MaritalStatus: Single Married In a relationship
Separated Widowed Divorced
Referred here by:______________________________________________________
Place of employment:___________________________________________________
Work Phone: (___) ____ - _____
Highest EducationCompleted:________________________________ Year:_______
Degrees or certificates: _________________________________________________
Other training:________________________________________________________
HEALTH INFORMATION:
Rate your health (check): Very good Good Average Declining Poor
Weight changes recently: Lost Gained ____ (number of pounds)
List all important present or past illnesses or injuries or handicaps:
_____________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
Date of last medical examination:_________________________________________
Report:______________________________________________________________
Physician's name and address:____________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
Are you presently taking medication? Yes No
If yes, please list: ______________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
Have you ever been arrested? Yes No (We want to make sure that any serious
incidents in your past have been dealt with in a biblical manner.) When? __________________
State circumstances:____________________________________________________
If the counselor believes that it would be helpful to see your social, psychiatric or
medical reports, would you be willing to sign a release of information form?
Yes No
159

RELIGIOUS BACKGROUND:
Denominationalpreference:____________________________________________
Membership:________________________________________________________
Churchattendance per month (circle): 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10+
Churchattended in childhood:_______________________ Baptized? Yes No
Religious background of spouse (if married):________________________________
Do you believe inGod? Yes No Uncertain
Do you pray to God? Never Occasionally Often
Are you saved? Yes No I mnot sure what you mean
How frequently do you read the Bible? Never Occasionally Often
Do you have regular family devotions? Yes No
Explain any recent changes in your religious life:____________________________
___________________________________________________________________
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY INFORMATION:
Name of spouse:________________ Phone: (___) ____ - _____
Address (if different):___________________________________________________
Occupation:_____________________________ Business phone: (___) ____ - _____
Spouse's age:___ Education (in years):______ Religion:_______________________
Is your spouse willing to come for counseling? Yes No Uncertain
Have you ever been separated? Yes No When?_________________________
Has either of you ever filed for divorce? Yes No When?__________________
Date of marriage:_________ Ages when married: Husband:___ Wife:___
How longdid you know your spouse before marriage?_________________
Length of dating with spouse:___________ Length of engagement:_____________
Give brief information about any previous marriages:_________________________
____________________________________________________________________
Information about children:
PM* Name Age Sex Currently
Living?
Education
*Check this column if child is by a previous marriage.
If you were reared by anyone other than your parents, briefly explain:
___________________________________________________________________
How many older siblings do you have? ___ brothers ___ sisters
How many younger siblings do you have? ___ brothers ___ sisters
Have there been any deaths in the family during the last year? Yes No
Who and when:________________________________________________________
160
Marital
Status

PERSONALITY INFORMATION:
Have you ever used drugs for other than medical purposes? Yes No
What:_______________________________________________________________
When: ______________________________________________________________
Have you ever had a severe emotional upset? Yes No
Explain:_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
Have you ever had any psychotherapyor counseling before? Yes No
If yes, list dates:_______________________________________________________
What was the outcome?_________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
Circle any of the following words that best describe you now:
active ambitious self-confident persistent nervous hardworking impatient
impulsive moody often blue excitable imaginative calm serious easy-going
shy good-natured introvert extrovert likable leader quiet hard-boiled
submissive self-conscious lonely sensitive other__________________________
Have you ever had hallucinations? Yes No
Do you have problems sleeping? Yes No
How many hours of sleep do you average eachnight?____
PASTORAL INFORMATION:
Pastor s Name:__________________________________ Phone: (___) ____ - _____
ChurchName:___________________________________ Phone: (___) ____ - _____
ChurchAddress:___________________________________________ Zip:________
Do you give permission to consult with your pastor as deemed helpful by counselor?
Yes No
161

BRIEFLY ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS
1. What is your problem? (What brings you here?)
2. What have you done about it?
3. What do youwant us to do? (What are your expectations in coming here?)
4. What brings you here at this time?
5. Is there any other information we should know?
162

IBCD
Counseling Observation Information
Purpose:
IBCD Counseling Observation exists to better equip believers in the area of biblical
counseling. For those pursuing NANC certification, it can be used to fulfill the required
10 hour observation of a NANC certified counselor. If it is not feasible for you to
personally observe a counselor, another alternative is to use the observation videos which
are available for purchase from NANC.
Costs:
Standard Cost: $220
Supporting Church Member or
Individual Supporter $110
Seminary Student $55
Payment is required before you begin. Please make checks payable to IBCD.
Weekly Commitments:
1. Counseling case(s) that you are observing
New Cases: Once you have satisfactorily completed this application, you will be
notified when a new case becomes available for you to observe from beginning to end.
Cases typically last 8-12 weeks; however, some counselees only come for one or two
sessions. If your case ends early, you will be given another case. You will be expected
to sit quietly, unless called upon by the counselor to make a contribution (ie, open or
close in prayer). You should take notes (using the observation form) recording the
flow of the session, homework assigned and any questions or suggestions you may
have for the counselor. Also, you will be expected to pray for the counselee(s)
throughout the week. If you are seeking NANC Certification, it is important to be
recording your hours on the Observation Log which can be obtained from
www.NANC.org.
Weekly Calls: The IBCD office is very busy on Mondays with the scheduling and
facilitating of appointments. Observation is primarily your responsibility. Once you
are assigned a case, you are to call the IBCD Office every Monday morning between
10-11 am to find out if your case is meeting that day. If, for some reason, you will not
be able to observe that day you must let the IBCD office know so that the counselor
can be notified.
IBCD 655 W. 11 th Avenue Escondido California 92025
163

Attire & Punctuality: We seek to maintain a professional atmosphere at IBCD, so
please dress appropriately when you come on Mondays. Proper dress is business
casual; no jeans, flip-flops, T-shirts or tank tops. Be sure to arrive five or ten minutes
before the case is scheduled to start. The counselors do not usually allow students to
walk into a session after it has started.
Continuation: If your case finishes and you would like to be assigned to another,
you must let the IBCD office staff know. Students who have not completed their 10
hours will be given priority.
2. Weekly Observation Seminar
Time & Location: The class meets on Mondays at Grace Bible Church, 655 W. 11 th
Ave., Escondido from 4-5pm.
Attendance: You are expected to be at this meeting every week that your case is
meeting. If your case is not meeting during a particular week, it is still highly
recommended that you come to gain insight from hearing about the other cases.
By completing the following application, you are indicating that you have read the above
commitments and agree to abide by them.
Recommended Resources:
During your preparation for counseling it is strongly recommended that you become
familiar with the following resources that are often referred to counselees:
Adams, J. From Forgiven to Forgiving
Adams, J. WhatDo You Do? (pamphlet series)
Blanchard, J. Right With God
Kinneer, J. How to Grow in Christ
Mack, W. A Homework Manual for Biblical Living #1 & #2
Miller, J. Repentance and the 21 st Century Man
IBCD 655 W. 11 th Avenue Escondido California 92025
164

IBCD
Counseling Observation Application
Name ___________________________ Date: _______
Home Phone # ______________ Cell Phone #_____________
Address _____________________________________
City ________________________ State ___ Zip _______
E-mail _____________________________________
Home Church __________________________________
Church Phone # ___________ Pastor _______________________________
Denomination __________________________________
Are you a member? Yes No Years of membership _____
List ministries you are involved with in your church _________________
_________________________________________
How do you plan to use this training? _______________________
________________________________________
How did you hear about IBCD? __________________________
Are you seeking to be NANC certified? Yes No Idon tknow
Have you taken the Intro course from either IBCD or from another source? Yes No
If yes where and when ?______________________________
If you are not a member of Grace Bible Church, you must submit a letter of
recommendation from your pastor along with this application.
IBCD 655 W. 11 th Avenue Escondido California 92025
165

Confidentiality Policy:
The board, director and staff of the Institute for Biblical Counseling and Discipleship,
hereinafter IBCD, understand that confidentiality is an important and vital aspect of the
counseling relationship. To that end, IBCD and its representatives agree to carefully
guard the information entrusted to them by counselees to the fullest extent possible.
Staff members and students participating in the IBCD program are expected to protect
the information they receive in order to ensure the integrity of the counseling process and
the privacy of the counselee. Should a counselor or student fail to protect said
information, it may become necessary for them to be dismissed from service in the IBCD
program.
I have read and understand the above Confidentiality Policy for IBCD and agree to be
bound by its terms.
_______________________________ ________
signature date
Please give a brief testimony of your Christian faith (use an additional sheet if necessary)
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
When you are finished filling out this application, please turn it in to the IBCD office.
Payment is required before you begin your first session.
If you have any questions, please ask the IBCD staff: 760-747-9252
IBCD 655 W. 11 th Avenue Escondido California 92025
166

Observer s Organizer
Observer _____________________________ Counselor: ___________________________
Case Name: __________________________________ Session # ____ Date:____________
Flow of the case:
167
1.
2.
3.
4.
1.
2.
3.
4.
1.
2.
3.
4.
1.
2.
3.
4.
Principles Observed:
Questions for the Counselor:
Homework Assigned:
Projections and their Basis:

168

IBCD
Counseling Role Play Class
Prerequisite:
You should have completed the Introduction to Biblical Counseling course or its
equivalent. All are welcome to attend and observe the Role Play Class.
General Description:
Each student will counsel in a fictionalsituation for three sessions using the principles
learned in the Intro course. The counselor will be given a PDI form before the session.
The first session will emphasize data gathering, hope building, and a preliminary
approach to the problem. Homework should be given. The second session should
emphasize more in-depth instruction and application. The third session should seek to
develop a plan for ongoing progress in the life of the counselee in the context of his local
church. Each session should last approximately 45 minutes. After the session is over
the class will discuss and critique the counselor s approach. The sessions will be
videotaped. Counselees should fill in a PDI before the 1 st session.
How to Prepare:
Review your syllabus from the Intro course. Remember the 7 I s. Review The
Christian Counselor s Manual. Feel free to bring aids you would like to have in a real
counseling situation: ie, Homework Manuals, mini-guides/references (Helps for
Counselors, byJay Adams or Quick Scripture Reference for Counseling, by Kruis),
tracts, etc. Review the evaluation sheet in advance to know what the director will be
looking for. Between sessions do research so that you will come prepared.
Schedule:
Date and times will be arranged between director, counselor , and counselee. All
observers are welcome.
Costs:
Standard Cost: $ 220.00
Supporting Church Member or
Individual Supporter: $110.00
SeminaryStudents: $ 55.00
169

170

Counselor s Notes
Name_______________________________________ Date_____________
Session Number __________
Evaluation of Homework Agenda
Drift of Session
Homework
____________________________________________________________________________________
Evaluation of Session: Plans:
171

172

I. Why pursue certification?
Becoming a NANC Certified Counselor through IBCD
A. Valid reasons to be certified.
1. You willlearn a lot through the process.
2. You willbe made more effective as a counselor. Titus 2:3-5
3. You willlearn to live a more holy life (by counseling yourself).
4. You willbecome part of a global network of biblical counselors.
B. Invalid reasons to be certified.
1. One does not need to be certified in order to be an excellent biblical counselor.
2. NANC and IBCD certification is not recognized by the state and will not make you a
licensed therapist.
3. It is not likely that you will be able to make a living doing biblical counseling.
C. Can you do it?
1. You do not need to be college educated or a great student.
2. Most can complete NANC certification in one year with determination and discipline.
II. What is NANC and how does IBCD relate to NANC?
A. What is NANC (The National Association of Nouthetic Counselors)? Ro. 15:14
1. NANC is a national training and certification organization for biblical counselors.
2. NANC has several recognized training centers throughout the country, including IBCD
(The Institute for Biblical Counseling and Discipleship).
3. While IBCD does not charge for counseling, we do charge for training.
B. NANC has different levels of certification.
1. Level 1 Member (lay counselor).
2. Level 2 Member (pastoral counselor).
3. Fellow: an experienced trainer and mentor.
4. Member of the Academy (Biblical Counseling Hall of Fame).
C. Before you start, be sure you are eligible for certification - doctrine, counseling philosophy,
church oversight, character qualifications, etc.
III. How can you become NANC certified through IBCD?
A. Phase 1- Training and observation.
1. Take a 30 hour Basic Training Course which covers the topics required by NANC.
a. This course is offered live at least twice a year through IBCD.
b. Oryou may choose to watch George Scipione s Introduction and Marriage and
Family courses (DVDs with syallabi).
c. Oryou may watch Jim Newheiser s NANC Basic Training course (DVDs with
Syllabi).
d. Oryou may listen to Jim Newheiser sNANC introduction course audios (MP3 CD or
free download from biblicalcounselingonline.org plus syllabi).
e. If you are taking these courses for certification, you must register with IBCD.
173

2. While taking the Basic Training course you should complete the following reading:
a. Either: Competent to Counsel, by Jay Adams; and The Christian Counselor s
Manual, by Jay Adams.
b. Or: An Introduction to Biblical Counseling, by Wayne Mack and John
MacArthur.
3. The following is recommended reading:
a. The Christian Counselor s Casebook, by Jay Adams.
b. A Theology of Christian Counseling, by Jay Adams.
c. Seeing with New Eyes, by David Powlison.
d. The Peacemaker, by Ken Sande.
4. Observe at least ten hours of counseling (by a NANC certified counselor).
a. This can be done live at IBCD in Escondido on Mondays (and sometimes in La
Mesa on Wednesdays and Thursdays).
b. The observers meet weekly with the counselors to discuss their cases.
c. The otheroption is to buy observation DVDs from NANC.
d. Observers must complete an Observation Log which will be submitted with the
NANC application packet.
B. Phase 2 - Exams and Application.
1. Obtain an application packet from NANC s website (www.NANC.org).
2. Take the NANC exams - counseling and theology (open book).
a. Use the key reading resources and your intro notes to answer the questions on the
counseling exams.
b. Use a good systematic theology (i.e. Berkhof, Erickson, Grudem, Raymond, Hodge) to
help with the theology exam.
c. Answers should be about a paragraph in length.
d. If any of your answers is inadequate, you will be given the opportunity to rewrite that
part of the exam.
e. Make a schedule for yourself and stick to it. Don t procrastinate!
3. Make formal application to NANC, which includes obtaining recommendations from
your pastorand those who will oversee your counseling ministry.
C. Phase 3 - Mentored Supervision.
1. If you wish to be mentored in your tutorial through IBCD, you must take a Role Play
Class (three one-hour sessions) to demonstrate that you are ready to counsel.
a. This is not a NANC requirement.
b. It may be that the teacher/tutor may require that further study or work be done
before entering into the tutorial stage.
2. The counseling tutorial for 50 hoursunderthe supervision of a NANC fellow.
a. There is a shortage of NANC fellows.
b. The fifty hours can be completed through a combination of supervised live counseling,
through written reports, and through audio recordings.
c. NANC requires that the supervisor either attend or listen to audio recordings of at
least five sessions.
d. The supervisor will meet with the trainee (in person or over the phone) periodically to
discuss his/her cases.
3. The tutorial is complete when fifty hours are complete and the mentor is satisfied that the
trainee is ready.
a. The mentor will then inform NANC which will complete paperwork and issue a
certificate.
b. New NANC members are publicly recognized at the annual conference in October.
174

IV. What is the difference between NANC certification and IBCD certification?
A. One can be NANC certified through IBCD without meeting all of the requirements for IBCD
certification.
B. IBCD certification requires additional work during the Introduction Course.
1. Book reviews
2. Apaper.
3. Case studies.
4. An exam.
C. IBCD certification requires additional courses.
1. Amore extended Marriage and Family Class.
2. An Advanced Class.
3. ACounseling Methodologies Class. (Analyzing various secular approaches to
counseling). We are hoping to update this course by next year.
D. What are the advantages of IBCD certification?
V. Q&A.
175

176

Why should YOU consider NANC certification?
The rigors of NANC Certification help you to:
Grow spiritually by doing some reading, studying, and thinking that probably would not get done
without some structure.
Identify with others who are committed to the sufficiency of Christ and His Word in solving life's
non-organic problems.
Be part of a national referral network of biblical counselors.
Before You Begin
Before beginning the certification process read the following to confirm that your personal theological
http://nanc.org/About_Us/Statement_Of_Faith.aspx
Theological Considerations (located in the menu on the right http://nanc.org)
Policies and Procedures http://nanc.org/About_Us/Policies_and_Procedures.aspx
Standards of Conduct http://nanc.org/About_Us/Standards_of_Conduct.aspx
If you have any questions please email Certification@NANC.org or call 317-337-9100
The Three Phases of NANC Certification
The NANC certification process can be confusing if you do not have a good understanding of what is
required. This document is designed to help you gain that understanding. All of the documents mentioned
below can be found on our website in the Application Packet. Keep this on hand as you work through the
process to help ensure you meet the requirements. Applicants from certified M.A.B.C. programs should
have received NANC procedures from your school. You can also contact the NANC office for guideline
on how to proceed.
177
Rev.7/10

Phase 1 Training
1. Complete the Basic Training Course which covers the topics required by NANC. This training is
to take place through a NANC Certified Training Center (http://nanc.org/Trainingcenters.aspx) or
by taking Fundamentals of Biblical Counseling at one of the Counseling and Discipleship
Trainings. For a
http://nanc.org/Conferences/Conference_Listing.aspx. Those that are open for registration are
listed on the home page under NANC Events http://nanc.org.
2. Complete a minimum of 10 hours of counseling observation of a NANC certified counselor. This
can be done in person or by purchasing the DVD sets available. You can find a list of certified
counselors on the web page (http://nanc.org/Directory.aspx) , or contact the NANC office to learn
more about the video. Complete the Observation Log and submit it with your Application
Packet.
3. A reading requirement of 1,000 pages from recommended reading list, 300 of which should be
from theology text(s).
Phase 2 Exams and Application
1. Obtain an Application Packet from the website at www.NANC.org.
2. exams. These are open-book, essay form
exams. You can work on them at your own pace. Be sure to site your references after each
answer. Please write your answers as though you are explaining them to a counselee, defining all
terms clearly and precisely.
3. Complete the remaining documents in the Application Packet. Each of these must be received in
the NANC office before your exams can be sent to a grader.
4. Email your completed exams (in Microsoft Word format) to Certification@NANC.org, and mail
your Application Packet to the NANC office with your $75 application fee.
5. Once you have passed your exams and have been cleared by the NANC office, you will be free to
contact a NANC Fellow and begin your supervision.
Phase 3 Supervision Counseling
1. You are required to satisfactorily complete 50 hours of supervised counseling with a NANC
Fellow during this phase. The 50 hours must be completed within one year of the date you passed
your exams. At least 10 of these hours must be with the same counselee.
2. You will be given a list of NANC Fellows once you pass your exams. No hours will count toward
supervision until you have received the letter stating you are cleared for supervision, by the
NANC office.
3. Supervision is usually done via email and telephone. You will fill out the Case Report Form (in
the Application Packet) for each counseling session and email it to your Fellow. You will then
call at an appointed time to review your counseling case(s).
4. Case Report Forms will need to be submitted to your supervisor before your appointed phone call
in order to allow sufficient time for your supervisor to review your cases.
- Your supervisor will also expect to listen to a minimum of 5 audio recordings of your counseling
sessions (preferably, early in your counseling).
- After you have completed 50 hours of counseling with which your supervisor is satisfied, he will
notify the NANC office and submit a recommendation for membership.
178
Rev.7/10

Membership
1. Once you have completed your Supervised Counseling, your supervisor will notify the NANC
office and make a recommendation for membership.
2. You will pay your membership dues and sign a Membership Covenant.
3. Once we receive these, we will send you your official certificate (suitable for framing), and you
will be added to the list of members on the NANC website.
4. You will be publicly recognized as a new NANC Member at the next Annual Conference.
5. As a NANC member you will receive discounts to NANC events and will be invited to a
For more information, including access to all the documents mentioned above, download our Application
Packet.
1. You will be publicly recognized as a new NANC Member at the next Annual
Conference.
2. As a NANC member you will receive discounts to NANC events and will be invited to a
179
Rev.7/10

180

181

182

Pastor/Elder Evaluation
The person requesting you to complete this form is seeking certification as a biblical counselor. Your
input regarding his/her character is very important to us. We request your candid comments on the
following matters:
1. The ap
2. How the applicant responds to criticism/admonition/instruction.
3. T
4. T
5. T regarding family relationships.
6. Do you approve of the applicant pursuing NANC Certification?
Additional Comments (please use other side if necessary):
______________________________ Date _______________
Your Name ___________________________________________________________________________________
Are you his/her current pastor or current elder? ______________________________ How long?_______________
Thisis not to be returned to the applicant. Please send this directly to the NANC office by email
Certification@NANC.org or regular mail 3600 W. 96 th Street, Indianapolis, IN 46268.
183
Rev.6/2010

184

Personal:
Application for Membership
For Office Use only
Ck # ____________
CkDate ____________
Ck Amount _________
(To be completed electronically and mailed to Certification@NANC.org)
Title: First Name: Last Name:
Address: Spouse:
City: St: Zip: Home Phone:
Daytime Phone: Email Address:
Employer: Position:
Birthday: Sex: Marital Status:
Church You Attend: Are you a member?
Are you ordained? If yes, by whom and when?
Pastoral experience (dates and places):
Education:
College:
Degree Year Major
Seminary Degree Year Major
Graduate School
Degree Year Major
Other professional education or training:
Professional agencies or organizations to which you belong:
185
Revised 6/2010

NANC approved agency where Basic Training Course was completed along with date, city, state,
instructors, and name of the course taken:
What other training events, for biblical counseling, have you attended?
Summarize your approach to counseling:
State your view of lay counseling:
Briefly explain your conversion to Christ:
186
Revised 6/2010

State your reasons for desiring membership in NANC:
Haveyou ever applied to be a NANC-certified counselor? If yes, when and why was it not
completed?
Name of church or agency under whose authority you currently counsel:
Are you involved in sinful conduct or do you have unresolved conflicts, which if known, would
cause others to question the appropriateness of your being a NANC Counselor? If yes, please
explain.
Haveyou ever been placed under church discipline? Y/N
If yes, what was the outcome?
Haveyou ever been convicted of a felony? Yes/No
If yes, complete the following questions:
1. Please describe the nature of the conviction.
2. Date of conviction
3. Is the church or ministry under whose authority you counsel aware of it?
4. Are there protections in place to prevent scandal if and when a question is raised about
this?
187
Revised 6/2010

5. What state or federal guidelines apply to you?
6. Are you complying with all state or federal applicable guidelines?
188
Revised 6/2010

189

190

191

192

ÿþýü ûüúùø÷ öùøõ
ôóúü óùòø þñýðüøý ÷ù ÷ïüýüîòüý÷íùñýì ÷ïüñ üõþíë ÷ù óùòø ýòúüøêíýùøé èü ýòøü ÷ù þëëùð ýòççíæíüñ÷ ÷íõü çùø óùòø
ýòúüøêíýùø ÷ù øüêíüð üþæï æþýü åüçùøü óùòø þúúùíñ÷üä ÷íõü ÷ù æþëëé
193

194

Part IV: Additional Outlines

AChange of Clothes and a Change of Mind. Ephesians 4:17-24
I. Introduction and review.
A. Why is oursociety deteriorating? Crime, drugs, abortion, homosexuality, deficit.
B. Paul gives a masterful diagnosis of our decaying world. The problem is in the mind.
II. You have abandoned the futile life of the pagans. v. 17-19 Romans 1:18-32
A. The cause of the natural man's plight is in his mind. v. 18 Gen. 6:5
Every unbeliever has a mental problem.
1. His understanding is darkened. v. 18a I Cor. 2:14
a. The biblical concept of the mind goes for beyond mere intellect.
b. The fall affects the whole man.
c. The world has information, but they lack true knowledge.
2. He is culpably ignorant of ultimate truth. v. 18c Rom. 1:18-22 John 9:40-41
3. He is alienated from the life of God. v. 18b 2:1,12 Isa. 53:6 Rom. 1:21
a. There is no life apart from God.
b. It is impossible to have morality without godliness.
4. His heart has become petrified. v. 18d John 3:19
B. The naturalman consequently is enslaved to wicked behavior. v. 19
1. He is morally beyond feeling. v. 19a I Tim. 4:2 Jer. 6:15 Rom. 2:14-15
If you want to enjoy a life of sin, you must deaden your God given conscience.
2. He has given himself overto the reign of the flesh - psychopathic sinners. v. 19b
a. Who gives whom over? Who does the hardening?
b. The punishment for sin is more sin. Rom. 1:24-32
c. Those who act this way do so by their deliberate rejection of God.
Rom. 1:32
d. They are enslaved to theirlusts.
3. He is involved in every kind of impurity. v. 19c
4. He is controlled by an insatiable desire for more. v. 19d
C. The life of the unbeliever is an exercise in futility! v. 17b,22 Ecc. 1:2 3:9 Rom. 1:21
1. The lusts which enslaved you are deceitful. v. 22 Jer. 17:9 Prov. 5:1ff 7:6ff
II. Pet. 2:19
2. The life of unbelief is empty.
3. The unbeliever is unable to rescue himselffrom the vanity of sin. Rom. 8:6-8
4. Many have fallen into despair.
5. If you have not yet been converted, you are still a slave living in futility!
III. You have been converted through the knowledge of Christ. v. 20-24 Rom. 6:1-11
A. You have joined the school of Christ. v. 20-21 John 17:3
1. He is the subject. v. 20
a. Christianity is not merely a set of rules for self improvement.
Christianity is knowing Christ personally.
b. Christianity is not a mere feeling/experience.
Becoming aChristian involves embracing the truth about Christ.
2. He is the teacher. v. 21a John 10:27
How do you hear Christ?
3. He is the classroom. v. 21b
4. He offers the only truth which overcomes the blindness, ignorance and hardness
of the natural man. John 14:6 8:12 18:38 I Tim. 2:4
195

B. You have stripped off the old man and put on the new. 22-24
1. When did the putting off and putting on take place? Col.3:9-10
a. The old man was put to death at conversion! v. 22a Rom. 6:6
b. At the same time you put on the new man. v. 24 Rom. 6:4-5
c. BC and AD.
d. You can't successfully take off the old man without putting on the new.
C. Since conversion has already taken place, what are you responsible to do? Remember
who you are! v. 22-24
1. No longer live in the decaying way of the old man since you have already taken
him off. v. 22 Rom. 13:14
2. Walk in righteousness and holiness because God has restored His Image in you
by a creative act. v. 24 II Pet. 1:4 II Cor. 5:17
3. Yourinner self is continually being renewed. v. 23 Rom. 12:2 I Cor. 2:12-14
a. Conversion is a change from within.
b. This is an ongoing process.
c. There is both an active and a passive side to this renewal. Phil. 2:12-13
IV. Conclusion. Ezek. 36:26 Gal. 2:20
196

AMatter of Life and Death
I. Introduction: Do those who are suffering have the right to die?
II. Which is more important: The sanctity of life or the quality of life?
A. God is sovereign over human life, which is sacred because we are created in His image.
Ps. 8:4-5 Gen. 1:27 2:7
1. Suffering and death are the result of the Fall. Ro. 5:12 I Cor. 15:26
2. God alone has the right to give and take life. Deut. 32:39 Ps. 31:15 Heb. 9:27
3. God places special protection overhuman life. Gen. 9:5-6 Ezek. 22:1f Hab. 1
4. God especially cares for those who are weak and helpless. Ps. 72:12-14 146:9
139:13-16 Pr. 31:8-9 Js. 1:27 Dt. 14:29 Is. 1:17 Lev. 19:14
5. We don t have the right to unjustly take the lives of others. Ex. 20:13
6. Nordo we have a right to take our own lives, even to avoid suffering. Mt. 27:5
Jud. 9:54-57 I Sa. 31:3-6 II Sa. 1:9-17 17:23 I Ki. 16:15-19 Acts 1:18
I Co. 6:19-20
7. God sometimes allows suffering for His good purpose. Rom. 8:18
II Cor. 4:16-18
B. People in our day are playing God and killing those who, in their view, don t have
sufficient quality of life. Judges 21:25 Col. 2:8
1. Rather than valuing all human life, the secular elite have redefined the issue as
quality of life, claiming some life is not worth living.
2. The acceptance of the practice of abortion has led to euthanasia.
3. Some demand the right to choose to die.
4. Many seek the right to make life and death decisions for others.
5. There are choices and rights which belong to God alone.
C. There are also many practical problems with giving people the right to die (and kill).
1. Those who, when healthy, say, I wouldn t want to live like that, may change their
minds when faced with the choice between a hard life or no life at all.
2. Those who are depressed may make rash, unwise decisions. Prov. 29:20
3. Those who say they would rather die than to continue living in a state of pain
ordisability may have no idea of what their state will be after death. Ecc. 5:2
4. Doctors are sometimes wrong. Hopeless cases sometimes experience recovery.
D. The rejection of the sanctity of human life puts us all at risk.
1. A time may come when you won t be allowed to choose to receive certain care.
2. The helpless among us are in grave danger when we use quality of life as the
criteria for which people we will value and protect: elderly, disabled, unwanted.
III. Will you stand up for the sanctity of human life?
A. You may have to make some tough healthcare decisions for yourself and others.
1. Base your decisions upon the Word of God. Pr. 3:5-6 II Co. 12:7f Mt. 7:12
2. Differentiate between medical (scientific) issues and ethical (spiritual) issues.
3. When is someone dead? Gen. 6:17 25:8,17 35:29 49:33 Mk. 15:17
4. What is the difference between sustaining life and prolonging death? Isa. 32:6
5. Must all possible care be given under every circumstance?
6. Those who are dying should be kept as comfortable as possible. Prov. 31:6-7
7. Seekgodly counsel when facing difficult decisions. Pr. 15:22
197

8. We will have to make difficult decisions based upon incomplete information.
Only God is all knowing. He will help you. I Cor. 10:13
9. If you are unsure, err on the side of life.
B. Prepare in advance for difficult healthcare decisions. Prov. 21:5
1. Be very wary about signing documents which could empower a doctor or a
court to wrongfully terminate your life by withholding care.
2. Carefully evaluate any advice you may receive from the medical profession.
3. Formulate your wishes biblically and communicate them to your loved ones.
Advance Directive for Health Care by the Christian Medical & Dental
Association
4. Give written authority to someone whom you trust to make medical decisions
for you, if you are incapacitated.
C. Will you honor all human life? Lev. 19:14
1. Will you care for your parents in their old age, even if their needs are great?
Exodus 20:12 Pr. 16:31 Ps. 71:9
2. Willyou remain faithful to your marriage vows, for better or for worse, in
sickness and in health... until death parts us even if it involves sacrifice?
Ro. 7:2-3 Ge. 2:24
3. How willyou respond if God gives you a baby (or grandchild) with birth
defects?
4. Are you willing to share the burden with your brothers and sisters who care for
disabled family members? Luke 10:25-37
D. Pray for our nation which is embracing a culture of death, and inviting Divine
judgment. Ezek. 22 Hab. 1:2
E. Do what you can to promote the sanctity of human life. Prov. 31:8-9
IV. Concluding applications.
A. Are you prepared to face the inescapable realities of dying and death? Rom. 5:12
Heb. 9:27 Ecc. 3:1-2
1. Are you prepared to face the dying and death of those whom you love?
2. Have you prepared those you will leave behind for your dying and death?
Mt. 7:12 Pr. 21:5
3. Are you prepared to die?
a. Your last breath in this world is not the end of your existence. After
death comes judgment. Heb. 9:27 Ps. 90:12 Rom. 5:12 3:23 6:23
b. Jesus takes away the sting of death for all who believe in Him.
I Co. 15:22,55f
B. What happens to a Christian when he (she) dies? Phil. 1:21 II Cor. 5:8 Luke 23:43
1. Yoursoul is immediately in the presence of Christ.
2. Yourbody awaits the resurrection at Christ s return. I Cor. 15:51f ITh. 4:13f
3. In that day there will be no more suffering, pain and death. Rev. 21:4 He will
wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there
will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed
away.
198

Abortion and the Philosophy Behind It
I. Introduction
A. A tragic anniversary: January 22, 1973 35 million abortions in 25 years.
B. What is abortion?
1. Abortion is the act by which the life of a baby in the womb (embryo or fetus) is
deliberately and artificially terminated.
2. The procedure takes place through avariety of techniques.
C. The medical question: when does life begin? (conception? viability? birth?)
1. It is widely recognized that human life begins at conception and continues until
death. (see appendix A).
2. The development of the infant in the womb.
3. Abortion is the taking of a human life.
4. What should those who are unsure do? When in doubt, choose life!
II. According to the Bible, abortion is the unjust taking of a human life (murder).
A. The sanctity of human life.
1. Man is uniquely created in God s image. Gen. 1:27 2:7 Ps. 8:4-5 God created
man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female he
created them.
2. God has placed special protection over human life. Gen. 9:5-6 Ex. 20:13
Whoeversheds man s blood, by man his blood shall be shed, For in the image of
God He made man.
3. God alone has the right to give and to take life. Dt. 32:39 Ps. 31:15 Heb. 9:27
There is no god besides Me; It is I who put to death and give life...
B. The unborn child is a human life, precious and important to God.
1. God forms the child in his mother s womb. Ps. 139:13-16 Job 31:15 10:8-12
Ecc. 11:5 You formed my inward parts; You did weave me in my mother s womb.
2. The infant in the womb is fully human (including sinful). Ps. 51:5 58:3 Behold I
was brought forth in iniquity and in sin my mother conceived me.
3. God loves and calls His servants, even from before their birth. Isa. 44:2,24
49:1-2
Jer. 1:4-5 20:17 Gal. 1:15 The Lord called Me from the womb.
4. The same words are used for a child in and outside of the womb. Ex. 21:4,22
Luke 1:15,41-42,44, 31 2:16 18:15 Acts 7:19 (John the Baptist and Jesus)
5. God judges those who slay or harm the unborn or helpless. II Kn. 8:11-12 15:16
Amos 1:13 Ex. 1 Mt. 2:16-18 Thus says the LORD, for three transgressions for the
sons of Ammon and for four I will not revoke its punishment, Because they ripped
open the women of Gilead In order to enlarge their borders...Menahem struck
Tiphsah and he ripped up all its women who were with child.
6. Those who caused harm to an unborn child were to be punished. Ex. 21:22-24
a. An accidental miscarriage to be fined (manslaughter?)? (NAS)
b. Orpremature birth (if harm is done an eye for an eye is required).(KJV,
NIV)
199

III. The philosophy behind abortion: why merely outlawing abortion will not entirely solve the
problem. Our nation has a serious heart problem.
A. Naturalistic atheistic evolutionism which denies the sanctity of human life.
1. Mankind is treated as a product of evolutionary chance.
2. Evolutionism leaves no basis for determining meaning, purpose, and truth.
B. Human autonomy. Judges 21:25 Self -deification
1. Rejection of moral absolutes from God. Judges 21:25 Everyone did what was right in his
own eyes.
2. Playing God with human life.
3. Selfishness. Matt. 2:16-18 Ps. 106:34-39 Lev. 20:1-5. Sacrificing our sons and daughters
to the idols of materialism, pleasure, convenience, and pride.
4. Hedonism. Phil. 3:19 Js. 4:1-2 You lust and do not have, so you commit murder.
C. A rejection of God s design for the family.
1. Immoral sexual activity outside of marriage.
2. Children seen as an unwanted burden. Ps. 127:3
3. The destruction of the family. Rom. 1:26-27
4. So called sexual and reproductive freedom leads to slavery. II Pet. 2:18-19 They entice
by fleshly desires... promising them freedom while they themselves are slaves of corruption, for
by what a man is overcome, buy this he is enslaved.
D. This humanistic philosophy has much broader implications (moral chaos).
1. The deterioration of the medical profession. The Hippocratic oath: I will give no deadly
medication to anyone, if asked, no suggest any such counsel: Furthermore, I will not give to a
woman an instrument to produce an abortion.
2. Playing God: determining who has a life worthy of living.
a. Infanticide.
b. Euthanasia.
3. Explioting human life.
a. Harvesting fetal material.
b. Genetic experimentation (and cloning).
4. Ethical and legal confusion (schizophrenia). Judges 21:25 Child abuse, animal rights,
parental rights, children s rights.
5. If the right to life is not secure, all other human rights are at risk.
IV. Answers to objections.
A. What if the baby will not have a sufficient quality of life?
1. Every child is a wanted child.
2. Poverty, child abuse and a bad home life. These problems haven t been solved.
3. Birth defects. Lev. 19:14
4. God makes us what we are and He alone hasthe right to give and take life! Ex. 4:11
John 9:3 Rom. 8:28 The LORD said to Moses, Who has made aman s mouth? OR who
makes him dumb or deaf, or seeing or blind? Is it not I, the LORD?
B. Doesn t a woman have a right to control her own body?
1. She can control her body sexually so as not to become pregnant!
2. Rights of privacy and the freedom to use one s body are limited.
3. Another person sbody is also involved. Abortion robs someone else of a lifetime of choices.
4. The fetusis completely dependent upon the mother. May we also exterminate other
members of society who are weak, dependent, and inconvenient
200

C. Arguments from the standpoint of the woman s welfare.
1. Most abortions are done for personalconvenience.
2. Economic oremotional hardship on the mother. There are other solutions.
3. Cases of rape or incest. One heinous act does not justify another.
4. Risk to the physical health of the mother.
a. It is very rare to have to make a choice between mother and child.
b. If only one life can be saved, that life must be saved.
5. Hard choices must be made from the principle that the child is a human being.
D. Isn t this legislating morality?
1. The abortionists have legislated immorality. Isa. 5:20-21 Woe to those who call evil good
and good evil; Who substitute darkness for light and light for darkness...
2. All morality is legislation.
3. The government has a duty to protect life (prevent murder or punish murderers).
Rom. 13:1-7
4. This is a women s issue. Are men interfering?
5. Abortion actually causes harm to the mother. Physical, Spiritual, and Emotional
6. Wouldn t abortions occur anyway and in unhealthy conditions?
a. Allabortions are unhealthy (fatal) for one person.
b. Murders, rapes & robberies still occur, but this does not justify making them legal.
E. Don t we need to control the population?
1. The world God has made is incredibly productive. Gen. 1:27-29
2. Children are ablessing from God. Ps. 127
3. There are methodsof birth control which prevent conception.
4. This argument has led to the atrocity of forced abortions in some countries.
V. What should we do? Pr. 31:8
A. Personal choices.
1. Choices in your family.
2. Which doctors willyou patronize? AMA 1871: These men should be marked as Cain was
marked; theyshould be made the outcasts of society .
3. Which church willyou join?
4. For whom will you vote?
5. To which charities will you give?
B. Activism.
1. Different believers have different gifts and callings.
2. Do we have aresponsibility to forcibly stop abortion? Pr. 31:8-9 24:11-12
3. When is civil disobedience authorized? Acts 5:27-32 Exodus 1:16-17
C. Persuasion: we wage war, not according to the flesh. II Cor. 10:3-5
1. Political involvement?
2. Informational picketing. Warn expectant mothers, stigma upon abortionists.
3. Adoption.
4. Crisis pregnancy centers.
VI. Concluding applications.
A. God will bring justice to the guilty in due time.
B. The only hope for our nation is spiritual revival!
C. God offers forgiveness, even to murderers. I Cor. 6:9-11 I Jn. 1:7-2:2 Isa. 1:18 Ps. 51:12-13
201

202

Counseling in aPostmodern World
I. Introduction: Why do you need to know about postmodernism? Acts 17 II Co. 10:4-5
A. It is important to understand the worldview of those whom we are seeking to reach.
Acts 17 Paul at Athens.
B. What ispost-modernism? A general and wide-ranging term which is applied to
literature, art, philosophy, architecture, fiction, and cultural and literary criticism,
among others. Postmodernism is largely a reaction to the assumed certainty of scientific,
or objective, efforts to explain reality. In essence, it stems from a recognition that reality
is not simply mirrored in human understanding of it, but rather, is constructed as the
mind tries to understand its own particular and personal reality. For this reason,
postmodernism is highly skeptical of explanations which claim to be valid for all groups,
cultures, traditions, or races, and instead focuses on the relative truths of each person. In
the postmodern understanding, interpretation is everything; reality only comes into being
through our interpretations of what the world means to us individually. Postmodernism
relies on concrete experience over abstract principles, knowing always that the outcome
of one's own experience will necessarily be fallible and relative, rather than certain and
universal. Postmodernism is "post" because it denies the existence of any ultimate
principles, and it lacks the optimism of there being a scientific, philosophical, or religious
truth which will explain everything for everybody - a characteristic of the so-called
"modern" mind. The paradox of the postmodern position is that, in placing all principles
under the scrutiny of its skepticism, it must realize that even its own principles are not
beyond questioning. As the philosopher Richard Tarnas states, postmodernism "cannot
on its own principles ultimately justify itself any more than can the various metaphysical
overviews against which the postmodern mind has defined itself." (From the PBS website)
II. Understand the times in which we live: Truth Decay. I Chron. 12:32 Rom. 13:11
A. Pre-modernity. (Up to the 17 th century).
1. Pre-modern thought presupposed a God-centered view of reality (but not
necessarily Christian).
2. Divine revelation is the final arbiter of truth and gives reality and meaning to
all things.
3. Mankind is dependent on God Who makes and organizes history.
4. Religion gives society uniformity.
5. How would this worldview affect counseling?
B. Modernism (Beginning in the 17 th Century: the Enlightenment)
1. Modernism is a man-centered view of reality, which looks to man to understand
the world and solve hisproblems through intellectual and scientific endeavors.
2. Reason replaces revelation as the final arbiter of truth, thereby liberating
humanity from religious mythology.
3. Modernism is optimistic about human potential and progress.
4. Modernism assumes a unified view of truth and reality, which mankind can
discover through reason and science: laws of nature.
5. Man can express ultimate realities using language.
6. Modernism stresses individualism and autonomy.
7. Mankind makes his own history.
8. How would modernism affect one s view of counseling?
9. Christian apologists have worked for the past 200 years to answer modernism.
203

C. Postmodernism (Beginning in the mid-20th century).
1. Postmodernism critiques modernity s claim that mankind can gain objective
knowledge through rationalism and empiricism.
2. Postmodernism denies the existence of fixed absolute universal and objective
truth. There is no meta-narrative (the big story which explains everything).
3. Truth is a construct and is relative. Truth is made rather than found.
4. Language cannot render truths about the world in an objective way: word
games.
a. There is no truth to which language corresponds.
b. All meaning is socially constructed.
c. Written texts do not have a single knowable meaning or truth value.
d. The meaning of words and texts isdetermined by the reader, not the
author.
5. Truth claims have been used as instruments of oppression and power.
6. Postmodernism exalts the community.
7. Postmodernism is pluralistic. Truth has been replaced with truthS.
8. Postmodernism is revolutionary: Modern society with its rationalism and
unitary view of truth needs to be replaced by a new world order.
9. The arguments Christian apologists make against modernism don t work
against post-modernism.
III. The influence of postmodernism.
A. Postmodernism affects our culture in many ways.
1. Postmodernism and the arts.
2. Postmodernism and history.
3. Postmodernism and the natural sciences.
4. Postmodernism and education.
5. Postmodernism and politics (including the judiciary).
6. Postmodernism and the media.
7. Abattle is raging in our universities between modernism and
postmodernism.
B. Postmodernism and religion.
1. Religion has been used as a means of power and control.
2. Religion often fails to respect the perspectives of other communities.
3. Religious texts must be deconstructed.
4. Religious pluralism. The heretic is the one who dares to believe he has the
truth.
C. Postmodernism and morality.
1. There is no absolute right and wrong forall people.
2. Tolerance is the cardinal virtue.
3. Collective guilt minimizes personal responsibility.
4. Redefining family and gender roles.
5. Sexual morality. Isa. 5:20
D. The professing church has been influenced by postmodernism.
1. Deconstructing the Bible.
2. Pluralism and doubt in the pulpits.
3. Some churches cater to the postmodern generation.
204

E. The impact of postmodernism on counseling.
1. Pluralism: Psychology is moving from modernism to postmodernism.
2. Irrationalism.
3. Relativism.
4. Pessimism and Nihilism.
IV. How can a Christian answer postmodernism? II Co. 10:5
A. There are some useful aspects to postmodernism scritique on modernity.
1. Mankind cannot autonomously arrive at ultimate truth or create utopia.
Gen. 11
2. Postmodernists have exposed the modernist myth of objectivity.
B. Postmodernism is internally inconsistent: It collapses upon itself. Postmodernism is
self-referentially incoherent. That is to say, if it is true, then it is false.... If
postmodern claims are objectively true, then those claims are themselves the mere
products of social forces and so are not objectively true... If postmodernist claims are
not true then they are just the arbitrary opinions of people we are free to ignore
(Craig).
1. Postmodernism itself is a meta-narrative which tries to explain reality.
2. Postmodernists are intolerant of those who question their meta-narrative by
believing in some other absolute truth. Isa. 5:20
3. Postmodernists cannot consistently apply their system in the real world.
4. Most people intuitively believe they have individual identities, live in an
objective world, and truth is not merely a social construction.
5. Postmodernism is unable to meet the deepest human needs.
C. Postmodern thought is not really new. Genesis 3 Isa. 5:20 Ecc. 1:9-10
1. Satan deconstructed God s Word. Genesis 3:1,4-5
2. Eve chose to remake herself and to establish her own truth/reality. Genesis
3:6
3. The heart of sin is seeking autonomy from God.
D. How can you persuade postmodern people to seekthe God of the Bible?
1. Deep down everyone knows God exists and that they are accountable to
Him. Romans 1:19-20,32 2:14-15Acts 17:24-31
2. False thought, including both modernism and postmodernism is an attempt
to suppress the knowledge of God. Rom. 1:18b,21,25
E. Unashamedly present a biblical view of truth: There is a personal God Who has
created all things and has revealed Himself to us. Genesis1:1f
1. He has created us in His image for His own glory. Gen. 1:27 I Co. 8:6
2. God speaks with clarity and authority. II Ti. 3:16-17 Isa. 40:8 Ps. 119:142
a. Language is not a human construction.
b. God s language existed before human beings. John 1:1 Gen. 1:1f
c. God gave the gift of language to men. Gen. 2:19-20
d. God s Word redeems. Ro. 10:17
3. The Bible reveals objective truth that is knowable to humans in spite of our
limitations as finite and fallible human beings.
a. We need the Holy Spirit to understand. I Co. 2:9-16
b. Meaning is not subjective. II Pe. 1:20
c. We are right to be wary of how mankind uses language. Rom. 1:28f
d. We are dependent upon God s Words. Mt. 7:24,26
205

4. Truth is God s truth, revealed in Christ. John 14:6 1:14,17 Acts 4:12 I Co.
15:1f
5. Mankind seeks autonomy from God. Rom. 1:18f
6. God struth (alone) will set you free. John 8:32
7. The gospel unites people of all cultures into one community. Eph. 2:11f
Rom. 7:9-10 5:9
V. Concluding applications: What is truth? John 20:28
206

Courtship and Dating: How to Avoid Hurting and Getting Hurt in Relationships.
Genesis 2:18-25
I. Introduction.
A. Marriage is designed by God to be a blessing. Pr. 18:22
B. What can a single person do now to promote a joyful godly marriage?
II. God designed marriage. Genesis 2:18-23
A. Why is it not good to be alone? v. 18
1. Are some people better off single? I Co. 7:1,7-8 Mt. 19:12
2. How should you decide whether to be married?
B. Why does God have Adam name the animals before making Eve? v. 19-20
C. Why does God choose such an unusual method for building Eve? v. 21-22
D. What isAdam s response to what God has done? v. 23
E. What do we learn from this passage about the purpose of marriage and the roles of the
husband and the wife? v. 18b
III. God gives directives formarriage. v. 24 Eph. 5:31 Mt. 19:5 Mark 10:7 I Co. 6:16
A. What does it mean to leave father and mother?
1. Must parents approve of the marriages of their adult children? I Cor. 7:39
2. Is there a place for older singles to have accountability in their courtships?
B. What does it mean to cleave (be joined) to one s spouse? Mt. 19:3-9 Mal. 2:14-16
C. What are God s purposes for physical intimacy (sex)? 1:28 Prov. 5:18-19 Heb. 13:4
Gen. 1:28 ICor. 7:3-5
D. What are some ways God s design and directives for marriage can be violated?
1. Evaluate this statement: It is wrong to partake of the privileges of marriage before the
commitment of marriage has been made.
2. What are some dangers of becoming romantically involved before you are ready to get
married?
3. What is the harm of sexual involvement before marriage?
4. What are some steps you can take to avoid violating God s design for marriage?
E. When are you ready to get married?
F. What should you do while you are not yet ready to pursue marriage?
IV. Courtship, Engagement and Marriage.
A. What isthe best approach to finding a marriage partner?
1. What are some common mistakes people make in choosing whom to marry?
2. What can you do to avoid making those mistakes (or committing those sins)?
B. Courtship.
1. What is the nature and purpose of courtship?
2. What are some advantages of courtship over dating ?
3. Does courtship always lead to engagement?
4. What involvement should your family (parents) have in your dating/courtship?
Ge. 2:24 I Co. 7:36-38(?) Ex. 22:16-17 Deut. 22:13-21
5. What is the place of physical affection during courtship? II Ti. 2:22 I Tim. 5:2
6. How would you decide whom to court?
207

C. Engagement (betrothal). II Co. 11:2 Mt. 1:18 Deut. 22:23-24
1. What is the nature and purpose of an engagement?
a. How long should a couple be engaged?
b. Why is pre-marital counseling important?
c. What physical affection is appropriate during engagement?
2. When is a couple ready to become engaged?
a. What isthe role of the parents in an engagement? Deut. 7:3 I Co. 7:36
b. Are arranged marriagesunbiblical? Gen. 24
c. Is it ever right for a couple to become engaged without parental approval?
3. Under what conditions may an engagement be broken? Ps. 15:4c Mt. 1:19
D. Marriage.
V. How should you choose your mate? See The Art of Choosing YourLove, by Jim West and
Pre-engagement: Five Questions to Ask Yourself, by David Powlison.
A. How much should you depend upon your feelings? Prov. 3:5-6 31:30
1. Should you expect supernatural guidance? Gen. 24:12-14
2. Is there such a thing as love at first sight? Judges 14:1-2 16:4f
3. Is it possible to fall in love with the wrong person? Jer. 17:9
4. Is it necessary to be in love in orderto have a successful marriage?
5. Choose your love, then love your choice.
B. What is the most important consideration in choosing a spouse? II Co. 6:14 ICo. 9:5 7:39,16
Gen. 6:1-3 Deut. 7:3-4
1. Why does God warn you against marrying an unbeliever? IKi. 11:4
2. What is the best way to avoid marrying an unbeliever? Prov. 5:8 Mt. 5:29-30
3. What are the risks of missionary dating ?
C. What are the most important qualities you should look for in a spouse? Pr. 31:30 5:3
1. Is it enough that he/she professes to be a Christian?
2. Why is it important that you have compatible life goals?
D. What are some of the most important qualities to look for in a husband? I Pet. 3:7
Eph. 5:25-33 Job 31
1. What are the qualities of a good spiritual leader? Eph. 5:26-27 Deut. 6:1f
2. How can you tell if a man will fulfill his role as a husband? Jo. 15 Ps. 127 I Ti. 5:8
Eph. 5:29 Prov. 28:19-20
3. What kind of relationship does he have with his family
4. Is he a man to whom you can submit for the rest of your life? I Pe. 3:7 Js. 1:19
E. What are the most important qualities to look for in a wife?
1. What kind of beauty is most important? Prov. 31:31 11:22 I Pet. 3:3-4 I Sa. 16:7 How
important is it that you be physically attracted to each other?
2. Does she love and fear the Lord? Prov. 31:26,30,11-12 Ruth 3:11
3. How can you tell that a woman is prepared to fulfill her role as a wife and a mother?
Ti. 2:4-5 Pr. 31:11f,29 Gen. 1:28 Ps. 127:1f
4. Is she willing to submit to your leadership?
VI. Concluding applications.
A. How should a single person deal with loneliness? I Co. 10:13 II Co. 11:2 Rev. 19:9
B. What can you do to get ready for marriage now?
208

I. Introduction and review.
The Disease of Materialism. I Tim. 6:5-10,17-19
II. Do you have the disease of materialism? v. 9-10
A. First you are infected by a love of money. v. 9a, 10a
1. Is money the root of all evil? v. 17 4:4-5
2. Idolatry isat the root of the problem. Col. 3:5 Isa. 55:1-3 Rev. 3:17-18
3. Those without wealth desire to be rich. v. 9a
4. Rich money lovers turn away from God. v. 17 Pr. 30:8-9 Mark10:23-25
a. Pride. Rom. 12:16 Dt. 8:18
b. Trusting in the uncertainty of wealth. v. 7 Ps. 52:7 Prov. 11:28
5. The disease of materialism comes in different forms.
a. Some want to be rich so that they can spend and enjoy.
b. Others seek security in savings.
B. Next you will develop the symptoms of practicing all sorts of evil. v. 9b, 10a
A desire to be rich willgive birth to the practice of sin. James 1:14-15
1. Just as AIDS destroys the physical immune system, weakening resistance to
other diseases; so the love of money leads to all kinds of other sins.
2. Families have been divided over money: divorce, conflict, neglect.
3. Churches have been harmed because of covetousness: neglect of worship;
failure to love, serve, and give; misusing relationships; lawsuits. I Co. 6:1-8
4. The love of money can spoilyourpersonal life.
a. Compromising righteousness. Prov. 15:27 22:16 13:11 16:8
b. Get rich quick schemes. Prov. 28:19-20 Rom. 14:23b
c. Using debt to live a rich lifestyle. Prov. 22:7 3:27-28 21:17.
d. Being consumed with worry and anxiety overmoney.
e. Becoming rich and successful. Prov. 30:8-9 Luke 12:13-21
C. Finally you will be plunged into ruin and destruction. v. 9c, 10b
1. Like AIDS, materialism is fatal. Matt. 6:24 13:22 Col. 3:5 Zeph. 1:18
2. Your riches will be worthless in the day of judgement. v. 7 James 5:1-6
III. You can be cured of materialism by the Great Physician.
A. Flee from these things! v. 11a, 17
1. The best way to avoid the disease of AIDS is to abstain from immorality (Safe
sex).
2. The best way to avoid the disease of materialism is to stay away from whatever
promotes covetousness. Safe shopping, speaking, and thinking.
Pr. 14:15 Eph. 5:3 Phil. 4:8-9
B. Pursue righteousness. v. 11b-16 Mt. 6:33 Prov. 15:16-17 16:8 8:10-11
1. AChristian sgoal is not to be rich, but holy.
2. Maintain an eternal perspective. v. 7, 12b, 15, 19 Ecc. 5:15 Job 1:21 Pr. 27:24
II Cor. 12:9-10
C. Learn the secret of contentment. v. 6-8,17 Phil. 4:11-12 Heb. 13:5-6 Luke 3:14
1. Your fundamental problem is that you think an improvement in your
circumstanceswill make you happy.
2. Contentment does not come naturally. It must be learned. Phil. 4:11-13
3. What will it take to make you content? v. 8
209

4. Riches will always fail to satisfy. Prov. 23:4-5 30:15 Ecc. 5:10-11
Acarnal heart has no contentment.
5. The secret to contentment is to fix your hope on God. v. 17 Phil. 4:4 Ps. 37:25
a. Not stoic self sufficiency, but sufficiency in Christ. II Cor. 3:5
b. Joy in the Lord isunshakable!
c. Noone who hopes in Him isdisappointed! Ps. 34:10 Heb. 13:5.
d. Do you find your greatest pleasure in God? Phil. 4:18
D. Practice generosity. v. 17-19
1. Who are the rich? Greater wealth brings greater responsibility.
2. The great antidote to the love of money is to give it away to those in need.
Prov. 19:17 Eph. 4:28 Acts 2:44 4:32 II Cor. 8:1-5
a. As God enables you, do good. 2:10 5:10 II Tim. 3:17
b. Rather than hoping that others will give to you, make efforts to help
others.
c. Give wisely! II Thess. 3:6-15
3. Invest in eternity. v. 19,7 Mt. 6:19-21 25:34-46 Pr. 23:4-5 11:24-25 Ecc. 5:15
4. Imitate our Lord Jesus Christ. II Cor. 8:9 Acts 10:35 Mark 10:45 I Pet. 2:24
a. God is rich & generous. Ps. 36:6 145:15-16 Acts 14:17 Js. 1:17
b. Ourgenerosity should reflect His.
IV. Concluding applications.
A. Review: 3 stages and four antidotes.
B. Are you spiritually rich today? Ecc. 5:10 Godliness is true gain. II Cor. 9:8
1. Material wealth is vain. Rev. 3:17-18 Isa. 55:1ff
2. Both rich and poor willstand before God. Prov. 11:4.
3. You cannot be cured of the disease of materialism until you are healed from
the guilt of your sin through the payment Christ made. II Cor. 8:9
4. The Lord Jesus Christ spiritually heals all who call upon Him.
5. The new nature which He gives makes you spiritually rich and freesyou from
slavery to empty materialism. Rev. 2:9 Js. 2:5 Phil. 4:19 Jer. 9:23-24
210

I. Introduction and review.
Duties of Husbands and Wives I Peter 3:1-7
II. Wives, submit to your husbands. v.1a Eph. 5:22-24 Col. 3:18
A. Is the subjection of women a tyranny contrary to Christian principles, like slavery, a
wrong of a bygone culture to be overcome by Christian love?
1. God ordained male headship from the beginning of creation. I Cor. 11:3, 8-9
I Tim. 2:13-14
a. Biblical marriage roles are not merely cultural.
b. Marriage is a picture of the relationship between God and His people.
c. The Fall distortsmarriage roles, making submission more difficult.
Gen. 3:16
d. Would those who argue against male headship argue that the institution
of marriage itself (like slavery) is a dispensable aspect of culture?
2. Male headship is also reflected in the church. I Tim. 2:11-12 3:1f I Cor. 14:34
3. Those who defy God s design reap the consequences.
B. Don t distort the meaning of submission.
1. Submission does not imply spiritual or moral inferiority. 3:7 Gal. 3:28
a. Christ was a submissive servant. 2:21-25 Phil. 2:5f Mark 10:45
Luke 2:51
b. God honors those who deferto others. Mt. 23:11
2. Submission does not mean that the wife does not think for herself.
3. Submission does not mean that a woman s work is lessimportant. Pr. 31
4. Submission does not mean that a woman subjects herself to all men.
5. Submission does not mean that the wife follows her husband into sin. Acts 5:29
C. Submission does mean that you obey and respect your husband as the head of your
family.
1. After an issue has been discussed, he makes the final decision.
2. Obey him even if he is wrong or unfair.
3. Respect him because of the position he occupies, even if he is not always
worthy.
4. Submission is not merely passively taking orders, but actively striving to please!
III. Your submission is God s tool to change your husband. v. 1b-2
A. Peter is addressing the woman whose husband rejects God s word. 2:7-8 Jn. 3:36
1. He assumes that she was converted after marriage. II Cor. 6:14f I Cor. 9:5
2. Peter s exhortation also applies to women with professing Christian husbands
who mistreat them.
3. She is not to leave her husband orneglect her duties to him. ICor. 7:12-14
B. If your husband is disobedient to the Word of God, seekto win him by your godly
behavior. 2:12
1. Don t try to nag him into the Kingdom of Heaven. Pr. 27:15 25:24 21:19
2. Instead be such a wonderful wife to him as to woo him to Christ. Mt. 18:15
I Cor. 9:19-22 1:26 Titus 2:5
3. Even then his salvation is not guaranteed. I Cor. 7:15-16
4. The same principles can be applied to winning others in authority over us.
211

C. Tough questions:
1. What if I married the wrong person? I Cor. 7:12-13
2. What should a woman in an abusive situation do?
Look to the example of Christ who endured much to gain us! 2:21-25
3. What if an unbelieving husband won t let his family attend worship?
Heb. 10:25
4. Can a woman share the word with her Christian husband?
5. When can a wife appeal to the leaders of the church to intervene? Mt. 18:15
IV. Adorn yourself with an unfading and imperishable beauty. v. 3-6
A. Don t emphasize outward adornment. v. 3 Isa. 3:16-24
1. Is Peter forbidding all braiding of hair and jewelry?
2. His point is that a woman can waste a great deal of time and money on what
doesn t really matter.
3. Following the fashions of the world can also harm others.
4. Such beauty rapidly fades.
B. Devote your energy to developing your inner attractiveness.
1. Aquiet and gentle spirit. Mt. 5:5 11:29 21:5 A new wardrobe.
2. Such beauty is appreciated by God (and His people). Pr. 31:29-31 I Sam. 16:7
3. This beauty is everlasting. 1:4, 23
C. Go to Sarah s beauty school and become her daughters. v.5-6 Gen. 18:12
1. Follow the example of the great women of the past.
2. Don t be terrified, but trust God. v.6b Pr. 3:25
a. Don t fear the ridicule from the world.
b. Don t be afraid of the effects of your husband s sins and failures.
I Cor. 7:14
c. How? Hope in God! v. 5a 2:23
d. You share in the promises. Gal. 4:21ff
V. Husbands love your wives. v.7 Eph. 5:25-33 Col. 3:19
A. You have an equal responsibility to her. Use your authority to serve. John 13:1ff
B. Live with her.
1. Are there some careersthat are not suited for married men?
2. Be carefulhow much time you spend away from home.
3. Be carefulhow you spend your time at home.
C. Understand her as a weaker vessel.
1. In what sense is she weaker?
2. Are you a student of your wife?
a. You need to know herneeds: spiritual, emotional, physical.
b. Many men treat their wives as if they were men!
c. Be patient.
212

D. Honorheras a fellow heirof the grace of life.
1. How can ahusband dishonor his wife?
2. How can he honorher? Treat her as a respected equal. Gal. 3:28 Pr. 31:29
3. Care for her as Christ loves the church.
4. If you mistreat your wife, your relationship with God will be broken.
Mt. 5:23 I John 4:19-21
VI. Concluding applications: The greatest love story.
213

214

FinancialFreedom
I. Introduction: foundational principles.
A. God is the owner and source of all wealth. Deut. 8:18 Ps. 50:10 Pr. 8:21 10:22
I Sam. 2:7 I Chron. 29:11-16
B. Money is important.
1. A test of your priorities. Luke 16:11
a. Love for God.
b. Stewardship of God'sresources.
2. A means by which you fulfill your responsibilities.
a. Providing for your family. I Tim. 5:8
b. Helping others. Eph. 4:28 I Cor. 16:1 II Cor. 8:4,14-15 9:12-15
3. An opportunity for you to learn to trust God. Matt. 6:11, 25-33
C. Money must not become a substitute for God as your source of security. I Tim. 6:17
Pr. 11:28 30:8-9 18:11-12 3:5-6
1. Your goal is not financial independence.
2. You may expect God to provide for your needs (not desires). Ps. 37:25 34:9-10
Pr. 10:3 13:25 Mt. 6:11,33 Phil. 4:19 I Tim. 6:8
3. Riches have limited value. Ecc. 5:10
a. Wealth is fleeting. Prov. 23:4-5
b. Money is not a measure of your worth. Prov. 22:2 28:6,11 James 1:9-11
c. Money will be worthless in the day of judgement. Pr. 11:4 Luke 16:19ff
12:16ff
d. Wrong attitudes towards money lead to all kinds of other sins.
I Tim. 6:9-10 Matt. 13:22
D. Most people in our day are in financial bondage. Matt. 6:24
II. Acquiring money.
A. You must work hard to make a living. Pr. 10:4-5 6:6-11 27:23-24 19:24
B. Don't expect others to provide for you. II Th. 3:6-14 Acts 20:33 I Th. 2:9-10
I Tim. 5:8 Prov. 10:3 19:15
C. You may not be able to pursue your dream career. Prov. 28:19-20 14:23
Don't expect to make "easy money".
D. Whatever job you have, do your work as unto the Lord. Col. 3:17,22-24 Eph. 6:5-9
E. Beware of compromising your integrity for the sake of wealth. Pr. 10:2 13:11,23 15:6
16:8
1. Taxes. Pr 15:27 Mark12:17 Rom. 13:6
2. Business ethics. Pr. 21:6 22:16
3. Buying and selling. Prov. 20:10,14
4. Rest, family time, worship, and ministry. Heb. 10:25 Ex. 20:8-11 Luke 12:15
215

III. Spending money.
A. Give to the Lord's work.
1. Giving is a priority in your budget. Prov. 3:9-10
2. Give in proportion to God's blessing to you. I Cor. 16:1-2 II Cor. 8:3, 11-15
a. Is there a fixed percentage God wants you to give?
b. What are the benefits of weekly giving?
3. Give generously. I Tim. 6:17-19 II Cor. 8:1-3 9:5-6 Rom. 12:8 Luke 6:38
Prov. 11:24-25 Mark 12:41-44
4. Give cheerfully. II Cor. 9:7,15 8:4,8 Acts 5:4 Ex. 36:5-7
5. Give gratefully. II Cor. 8:9 John 3:16 I Jn. 4:9-11,19
6. Give wisely. II Thess. 3:10 Prov. 20:4 22:16 19:15 II John 10-11
a. To the poor. Pr. 28:27 19:17 Acts 4:34f Eph. 4:28 I Jn. 3:17 Js. 1:27
2:14f
b. To the Lord's work. Gal. 6:6 I Cor. 9:11-14 I Tim. 5:17-18 Luke 8:1-3
7. God blesses those who give well. Prov. 11:25 II Cor. 9:8-11
B. Stay out of debt. Rom. 13:8
1. Debt produces bondage to men. Prov. 22:7 Mt. 18:23-25
2. Borrowing is an indication of the absence of God's blessing. Deut. 28:44,12
15:6
3. Debt presumes upon the future. Prov. 16:9 19:21 James 4:13-17 Mt. 4:6-7
4. Neverco-sign a loan for someone else. Prov. 6:1-5 22:26-27 17:18
a. If they can't qualify for a loan with their own credit, they ought not to
spend the money.
b. You may be helping them to violate God's principles of financial
wisdom.
5. Pay your debts promptly. Prov. 3:27-28
6. Practical advice. Luke 14:28
a. What you can spend is determined by what you have, not your credit.
b. When you must borrow, make the maximum down payment.
c. Neverowe more on an item than the amount for which you could sell it
in an emergency. Don't borrow on depreciating items.
d. Neverowe money on credit cards - wasteful high interest. Prov. 3:27-28
e. Instead of buying items on credit, make do with the old one while you
save up for the new one.
f. Make a goal and a plan to be entirely debt free.
C. Control your expenses.
1. Make a budget based upon your income. Prov. 21:5 22:3 24:3-4 Luke 14:28-29
a. Plan to spend all of your money unto the glory of God. Col. 3:17
He will give you what you need. I Cor. 10:13 Phil. 4:19
b. Write down every expense.
c. See percentage guidelines on handout.
2. Don't make impulsive purchases.
a. Only spend what your budget allows.
b. Develop sales resistance. Pr. 22:3 14:15
c. Don't be deceived by the desirability of more stuff. Eccles. 2:1ff
d. Avoid hasty decisions and impulse buying. Prov. 19:2 14:8
e. Carefully research purchases. Prov. 21:5 24:3 14:8
216

3. Distinguish between necessities and luxuries. Prov. 30:8-9 21:17
a. Learn to be content with the basics. I Tim. 6:6-8 Phil. 4:11-13
b. Learn to live with (and repair) old stuff.
c. Only eat out when you have budgeted to do so.
4. What are wrong motives for spending money?
IV. Saving money.
A. Anticipate future expenses or financial crises. Prov. 6:6-11 30:25
auto insurance, property tax bill, new car, children's education, retirement, layoffs
B. Accumulate savings gradually.
1. Is it wrong to accumulate wealth? I Tim. 6:17 Prov. 10:4-5
2. Beware of "get rich quick schemes". Prov. 13:11 28:19-20,22 15:27 27:12
a. If it sounds too good to be true, it almost certainly is.
b. Is it wrong fora Christian to gamble or play the lottery?
3. Investment risk tends to increase with anticipated return.
C. Is it wrong to take interest from others? Deut. 23:19-20
1. It is wrong to take advantage of the desperate need of another believer. Pr. 28:8
Ps. 15:5 Neh. 5:10 Lev. 25:25-27,14
2. It is not wrong to accept interest from a business investment. Mt. 25:27
3. Beware of lending to friends and relatives.
a. Yourmoney and your relationships are at risk.
b. If there is a great need, it is better to give. Prov. 19:17
V. Other issues.
A. Teach your children these principles.
1. Hard work. Prov. 10:4-5
2. Wise spending.
3. Careful saving.
4. Don't ruin your children by enabling their laziness. Luke 15:13
B. What about insurance?
1. Is it wrong for a Christian to have insurance?
a. No more than it is a lack of faith to lock doors of house at night.
b. A means of ensuring that you can meet your own obligations.
2. Life insurance.
a. You can get the most insurance for the least money by buying term
insurance.
b. How much is enough?
3. Auto, health, and homeowners insurance.
a. The purpose of insurance is to provide foracalamity which you cannot
afford.
b. The general rule is to maximize deductibles to minimize premiums.
C. Is bankruptcy biblical? Ps. 37:21 Prov. 3:27-28
D. Retirement.
1. It is wise to prepare for retirement by saving money. I Tim. 5:8
2. Family, not the government, is responsible to take care of the aged. I Tim. 5:4
3. Take advantage of company subsidized retirement plans.
But don't put all of your eggs in one basket.
217

E. Making awill.
1. Distribution of assets.
Is it good to leave an inheritance to your children? Prov. 13:22 20:21
II Cor. 12:14
2. Guardianship ofchildren.
F. Get wise financial counsel from godly Christians. Prov. 15:22 18:15
VI. Concluding application.
A. Make it your goal to be wise and holy, not rich and famous! Prov. 23:4-5 19:1
28:6,22 8:10-11 15:16-17 16:16 I Tim. 6:9-11 Ecc. 2:1-11 5:10 Mt. 13:22 19:22
James 1:10-11 II Tim. 2:4
B. Hope for those who have financial difficulties of their own making. Mt. 6:33
C. Remember the example of our Lord. II Cor. 8:9
D. One day what is valuable on earth will be worthless. II Pet. 3:10-13
E. Recommended Reading.
1. YourFinances in Changing Times, Burkett
2. How to Manage Your Money, Burkett
3. The Complete Financial Guide for Young Couples, Burkett
4. Master Your Money, Blue
5. Monthly Money: Allowance and Responsibility System for Kids and Teenagers
218

I. Introduction.
God and YourFamily. Deuteronomy 6:5-9
II. God comesfirst (even before your family). Deut. 6:5-6
A. Some get God and family out of balance.
1. Some neglect their families because they think they are serving God. I Ti. 3:4-5
2. One can also sinfully put family ahead of God: Familiolatry. He. 10:25
B. Love the LORD your God wholeheartedly. v. 5
1. Your loyalty to God may create conflict within your family. Luke 12:51
2. Yourrelationship with God enables and equips you to love your family.
3. The way you run your family is an expression ofyourlove for God.
C. God sWord must first be in your heart before you can train your children. v. 6
1. Family worship and teaching is the natural outflow of a life of worship.
2. You can t train your children to be stronger Christians than you are.
Lu. 6:39ff
3. Yourchildren will catch your values.
4. Parental hypocrisy is a cause of rebellion.
III. You are responsible before God to train your children. v. 7a
A. It is assumed that God s people will gladly have children. Gen. 1:28 Ps. 127-128
1. Children are a blessing from God.
2. In addition to disciplining and training your children, enjoy your children.
3. Yourobjective in training your children is God-centered: hoping your children will carry
godly values into future generations. Deut. 4:9-10 III John 1:4
B. Train your children to live a life of godliness and wisdom. Eph. 6:4 Pr. 4:1-8 22:6
1. Some who discipline their children fail to adequately teach them. Pr. 17:10 29:15
2. Teach your children to have a comprehensive biblical worldview.
C. You cannot delegate the training of your children to anyone else.
1. It is not the job of the government to train your children.
2. Nor have you fulfilled your duty if you put your children in a Christian school.
3. Nor is it the job of the church to train your children.
4. Parents are to be the primary influence in their children s lives.
5. Husbands and fathers are particularly called to be spiritual leaders in the home.
Eph. 6:4 5:25-28 Josh. 24:15 Is. 38:19 I Sam. 3:13 2:12-17,22,27-36 8:4 I Ti. 3:4-5
Why do many fathers neglect their responsibility?
6. What if there is no Christian father? I Tim. 3:14-15 Pr. 6:20-23 I Cor. 7:14
D. You are responsible for all of the influences (teachers) to which you subject your kids.
1. You may choose to use a conventional school, but you are responsible forwhat your
kids are being taught. Psalm 1:1 Col. 2:8ff Rom. 12:2 II Cor. 6:14-19 10:5
2. Home-schoolers also use outside teachers and influences. Gal. 3:24-25 Pr. 5
3. Also, keep watch over yourchildren sfriends, entertainment, etc. Ps. 1:1 I Cor. 15:33
Prov. 13:20 22:24-25 Gen. 34
4. You should also seek to bring positive influences into your children s lives.
5. As your children mature, they will have to make more of their own choices.
I Cor. 13:11 Gal. 2:24-25 Luke 15:11ff
6. Families should respect the choices made by other families.
219

E. What is the place of our church in training your kids?
1. We encourage children to be with their families in the worship service. Eph. 6:1f
Ex. 10:9 Josh 8:35 Neh. 8:3 12:43
2. We offer Sunday School and youth programs as a supplement to the training which
takes place in the home.
3. Church leaders need to be careful not to overstep their authority.
4. The best thing the church can do for families is to train fathers to lead and teach their
families.
IV. The Bible tells you how to train your children. v. 7b-9,20-25 4:9
A. Teach your children in formal settings. v. 7b
1. We have arich heritage of family worship. Gen. 4:3-4 4:26 12:1-2 Ex. 12:21
Acts 16:15,31-34 20:20
2. Family devotions and teaching times.
a. Keep it brief. Eph. 6:4
b. Maintain your children s interest by speaking at their level and by teaching
interactively and creatively.
3. Specific suggestions:
a. Sing asong or a hymn.
b. Read ashort section of Scripture together and invite each family member to make a
comment or ask a question, starting with the youngest.
c. Pray together using a list.
4. The book of Proverbs is a model of parental instruction.
5. Teach them diligently.
B. Teach your children informally. v. 7c-9
1. Fill your home with reminders of God s Word.
2. Take advantage of opportunities to apply the Word of God to life as it happens.
3. Interact with your children about God s truth. v. 20 Pr. 20:5
4. Teach them by your example. Phil. 4:9 I Pe. 5:3 I Cor. 11:1
5. Don t turn every situation into a sermon.
C. Teach your children about the blessings of redemption. v. 21-25 Eph. 6:1ff
D. Prepare your children for the responsibilities of adult life. Pr. 7:7ff 14:15
V. Concluding applications.
A. Parents train your children in godliness.
B. Children, embrace your parents teaching. Prov. 6:20-23 10:1 23:24-25 12:21,25
Discussion Questions
1. Is it possible to make family too important?
2. Why is it necessary that God sWord be in your heart before you can teach your kids?
3. To what extent can parents delegate their responsibilities to others?
4. What is the place of the church in training children?
5. What is a good pattern for family worship?
6. How can you teach your children in the course of daily life?
7. What is the most important thing you need to teach your children?
8. Does faithful training ensure the salvation of our children?
9. What responsibilities do children have?
220

God Speaks to Children. Eph. 6:1-3 Col. 3:20
I. Introduction and review. Neh. 8:2 Acts 2:30 Mt. 18:2f 19:13ff 6:9 II Ti. 3:2 Ro. 1:30
II. Children, God wants you to obey and honor your parents.
A. You need yourparents.
1. God sdesign is that you grow up and mature under your parents care.
Lu. 2:51ff
2. Because you are sinful, you need restraint. Pr. 22:15 29:15 Ps. 51:5
Gen. 8:21
3. God put you in your particular family. Rom. 8:28
4. God wantsyour parentsto be the primary influence in your life. Prov. 1:8f
9:13ff
B. Obey yourparents.
1. God has given them the right to tell you what to do.
2. Do what they tell you to do immediately and cheerfully, without
complaining or challenging their authority.
3. Seekto please them in everything. Col. 3:20
4. Be attentive to their wishes.
C. Respect yourparents.
1. Yourparentsare not your peers.
2. Honorbegins in your heart.
3. You are to honor both yourmother and your father.
4. Speak to them and of them respectfully. Lev. 20:9 Gen. 9:20-23 Pr. 30:11,17
5. Pay close attention to your parents teaching. Pr. 1:8-9 4:1f 6:20-23
Deut. 6:7
6. Receive their discipline and admonishment. Heb. 12:7-11 Pr. 15:32,5,10 1:7
13:1
7. Be thankfulfor them and for all they do for you. Pr. 31:28
D. Learn how to appeal to authority in a godly way. Daniel 1 Esther
E. There are limitations to your obedience.
1. One day you will grow up and no longer be a child under your parents
authority.
Gen. 2:24
2. Your parents do not have the right to tell you to sin against God. Acts 5:29
Matt. 10:34-39 Luke 14:26
III. What does God expect of grown children?
A. One goal of parenting is to make children ready to leave the home.
1. Unlike marriage, the parent-child relationship changes.
2. Ordinarily this will take place when the child gets married. Gen. 2:24
3. The relationship between unmarried adult children and their parents is
different from that of younger children. I Co. 13:11 John 2:3-5
221

B. When is a child ready to leave home? I Co. 13:11
1. When he/she is mature enough to make wise choiceson his/herown.
2. When he/she is able to take on the responsibilities of adult life.
3. When he/she is ready to live for others.
4. Some children leave too soon.
C. Some adult children are not leaving.
1. There are benefits to a young, single adult living with his or her parents.
2. There are also risks.
3. Adult children still living under their parents roof must respect their rules.
4. Grown children who do not honor their parents should be forced to leave.
D. Even after leaving home, you are still to honor your parents.
1. Seekyour parents counsel.
2. Build your relationship with them. Rom. 12:18
3. You are responsible to ensure that yourparents financial needs are met.
I Ti. 5:4 Mt. 15:3-9 John 19:26-27
IV. God gives you good reasons for honoring your parents.
A. Honor them because it is right. Eph. 6:1b II Ti. 3:1-2 Ro. 1:30
B. Honor them for the Lord s sake. Col. 3:20 Eph. 6:1b
1. Your parentsare not perfect.
2. They are only worthy of your obedience, in Christ.
3. Jesus, Who is perfect, obeyed His imperfect parents. Luke 2:51
C. If you honoryourparents, you will be richly blessed. Eph. 6:2b-3 Ex. 20:12
1. You will be blessed because your parents will teach you to live wisely. Pr. 4:10ff
2. You willbe blessed by God.
3. If you do not honor your parents, you will be cursed. Deut. 21:18-21 Lev. 20:9
Prov. 20:20 31:11,17
V. Concluding applications.
A. Children, bring delight to your parents. Pr. 10:1 23:24-25 15:20 29:3 19:13 II Jo. 4
B. Children, you have a choice to make. Proverbs 1-9 20:11 Gen. 4:4ff Jer. 31:29-30
Ezek. 18:2ff Mt. 21:28-31 Ro. 1:30 II Ti. 3:2
1. Just being born in a Christian family doesn t make you a Christian.
2. You must be born again! John 3:3
C. Recommended reading on the family.
1. Strengthening Your Marriage by Wayne Mack
2. The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace
3. The Complete Husband by Lou Priolo
4. Shepherding a Child s Heart by Ted Tripp
5. Withhold Not Correction by Bruce Ray
6. Age of Opportunity by Paul Tripp (Training teens)
222

Discussion questions
1. Why should children be in the church service?
2. Why do children need their parents?
3. Why should children honor theirparents?
4. What should you do if your parents are selfish hypocrites?
5. What is the goal of parenting?
6. How does the parent-child relationship change when the child grows up?
7. What are some risks of adult children still living with their parents?
8. What do adult children owe their parents?
9. What can a child do to make his or her parents job easier?
223

224

Helping Families with Twixters (Grown kids who don t leave home)
I. Introduction.
A. The phenomenon of the Twixters. Time Magazine: January 24, 2005
B. They want adult privileges without taking on adult responsibilities.
II. Why are there so many Twixters?
A. There are legitimate reasons for grown children to remain with their parents.
1. A son may stay at home while he is completing his education, establishing his business, or
saving for marriage.
2. A daughter may choose to stay under the protection of her parents prior to marriage.
Gen. 2:24
3. Some young adults are not able to take care of themselves: i.e. disabilities.
4. Children may stay at home in order to take care of aged or disabled parents or other family
members. Ex. 20:12
5. Sometimes children move home because of other extraordinary circumstances.
B. Some young people are sinfully postponing the responsibilities of adulthood.
1. They fail to establish a career by which they can provide for themselves.
Prov. 6:5-11 12:11 28:19 16:26
2. They expect others to take care of their financial needs. II Th. 3:10-13 I Tim. 5:8
3. They are financially irresponsible. Pr. 22:7
4. They place a high value on relationships and entertainment. Pr. 14:23
5. Instead marrying and having a family, they indulge in uncommitted relationships and
fornication. I Cor. 6:9-10 7:9 II Ti. 2:22
C. Parents contribute to this problem.
1. They fail to prepare their children to be on their own. Proverbs 1:8
2. Some refuse to let go of their kids. Gen. 2:24
3. They inadvertently finance and enable sinful behavior.
4. They are afraid to take strong steps to deal with their kids. I Sam.2:12f
III. What can parents do to make their children ready to live as responsible adults?
A. It is the job of parents, not schools or churches to train children. Pr. 1:8-9
B. The goal of parenting is to make your children ready to live wisely. Ge. 2:24
Proverbs 4:3-4 I Corinthians 13:11 The whole book of Proverbs is written to this end.
1. Teach them to fear God and to live for his glory. Pr. 1:7 3:7-8 Dt. 6:5 Mt. 22:37
2. Teach them to put others ahead of themselves. Mt. 22:39 Phil. 2:3-4
3. Prepare them to pursue a vocation so they can work hard to care for a family.
Prov. 6:5-11 24:30-34 26:12-16 12:11 13:11 22:29 10:4-5 28:19 14:23
4. Teach them financial wisdom.
a. The value of saving (postponed gratification). Pr. 6:8 13:11
b. The importance of budgeting (planning). Pr. 21:5
c. Avoiding debt. Pr. 22:7 6:1-5 Deut. 28:44
d. The prompt payment of financial obligations. Pr. 3:27-28 Dt. 24:14f Ps. 37:21
e. The blessedness of being generous. Pr. 3:9-10 11:25 19:17 22:9
5. Teach them God s design for marriage (and sex). Prov. 5:1-23 6:20-35 7:1-27
a. Teach them biblical perspectives on manhood and womanhood. Pr. 31:10f
b. Warn them against immorality. Prov. 2:16-19
c. Encourage them to get ready for marriage. I Cor. 7:9
6. Teach them to choose their companions carefully. Pr. 1:10-19 13:20 22:24-25 23:20
I Corinthians 15:33 Ps. 1:1
7. Teach them to resist temptation. Pr. 29:25 2:12-15 20:1 31:4-5
225

C. Whenis a child ready to leave home? I Cor. 13:11 Al Mohler: From Boy to Man- The Marks of
Manhood.
1. Spiritual maturity sufficient to lead a wife and children.
2. Personal maturity sufficient to be a responsible husband and father. Eph. 5:22f
3. Economic maturity sufficient to hold an adult job and handle money.
4. Physical maturity sufficient to work and protect a family. Prov. 6:6f
5. Sexual maturity sufficient to marry and fulfill God s purposes. II Ti. 2:22
6. Moralmaturity sufficient to lead as an example of righteousness.
7. Ethical maturity sufficient to make responsible decisions.
8. Worldview maturity sufficient to understand what is really important.
9. Relational maturity sufficient to understand and respect others. Phil. 2:3-4
10. Social maturity sufficient to make a contribution to society. Mt. 5:13 Ro. 13:1f
11. Verbal maturity sufficient to communicate and articulate as a man. Pr. 15:28,7
10:20-21 16:24 12:18
12. Character maturity sufficient to demonstrate courage under fire. Pr. 29:25
13. Biblical maturity sufficient to lead at some level in the church. I Pe. 4:10-11
IV. What can parents do to help their Twixters grow up?
A. Be willing to make tough choices for the good of your children.
1. If they continue to act like children, they must be treated like children.
2. Make yourexpectations clear, along with the consequences. A written contract?
3. You may need to seek their forgiveness for spoiling them.
4. Their return to your home may be one last hope for you to train them. Pr. 19:18
B. Combat sinful irresponsibility.
1. Force them to take financial responsibility.
2. Don t allow them to be lazy while living under your roof. Eph. 4:28
3. Demand sexual purity.
4. Do not tolerate substance abuse.
5. Make them pay a price for irresponsibility.
6. Be willing to kick them out. Sometimes that is the only way they will learn.
C. What kind of help should you give your young adults?
1. Just because you can afford to help them doesn t mean you really would be doing them
any good.
2. Do not enable a lifestyle of laziness and sin.
3. When you do offer help (i.e. educational expenses) demand a clear standard of
responsibility and performance.
D. Do what you can to show you love them without compromising your standards.
V. What can young people do to prepare themselves for adult life?
A. Seek wisdom from your parents. Pr. 13:1 6:20-23 1:8
Strive to bring them joy. Pr. 23:24-25 17:25
B. Find other godly mentors who will help you to mature.
C. Learn to live for God and others, rather than being self-focused.
226

I. Introduction and review.
II. Parenting is a big job.
Hope for Parents. Eph. 6:4
A. Children are ablessing from God. Ps. 127:3-5 128:3 115:9
1. Christians typically choose to have lotsof kids. Gen. 1:28
2. Many in our culture see children as a bother.
B. Both mother and father take on a great responsibility. Eph. 6:4a
1. Why are fathers addressed?
2. Motherhood is a full time job. Titus 2:3-5 I Tim. 5:14
3. Parenting involves sacrifice.
4. Many parents are neglecting their responsibilities.
5. Others reject God s deign forparenting.
C. Parenting can bring both joy and heartache. Prov. 10:1 29:3 31:28 28:7 III Jo. 4
III. Discipline your children. Eph. 6:4b
A. Why is discipline necessary? Gen. 8:21 Pr. 22:15
1. Yourchildren are sinners from conception. Eph. 2:1-3 Pr. 29:15 Ro. 8:7-8 Ps. 51:5
2. The function of discipline is to mold character. He. 12:10-11 Pr. 4:23 Mk. 7:20-23
3. God models fatherly discipline in His care for you. Heb. 12:6ff Rev. 3:19 Pr. 3:11ff
4. Parents act as God s agents with His authority.
B. How should discipline be carried out?
1. First, you must be self-disciplined.
2. Set clear standards for behavior based upon the Bible.
3. Require immediate and respectful obedience.
4. When rules are broken, take disciplinary action. Pr. 22:15 29:15 13:24 19:18 6:23
The rod and reproof give wisdom.
5. Lovingly forgive and restore the relationship (as God forgives us). I Jo. 1:9
C. Other guidelinesfor discipline.
1. Chastisement must be in the context of love and security. Ps. 103:10-14 Ga. 6:1
2. Neverdiscipline when you are angry! Mt. 5:21-23 Ro. 12:17ff Pr. 12:16 Gal. 6
3. Distinguish between rebellion and childishness. I Co. 13:11
4. Allow respectful appeals. Prov. 18:13,17 Daniel 1 Esther
5. Why not use time-outs and other methods favored by modern psychologists? Pr. 3:5-6
19:18 22:15 23:13-14 Col. 2:8-9
6. How would you answer someone who claims to love her child too much to spank him?
Pr. 13:24 3:12 19:18 23:13-14 Heb. 12:8
7. There are timeswhen other forms of discipline may be appropriate (restitution).
IV. Instruct your children. Eph. 6:4c
A. Parents are responsible before God for the education of their children. Prov. 6:20-23
1:8,10,15 2:1 3:1,21 4:1,10,20 5:1 23:15,19,26 31:2
1. You cannot delegate the training of your children to anyone else.
2. Every parent is responsible for what outside help they utilize.
3. All education is religious in one way or another.
227

B. Prepare yourchildren for adult life.
1. Guard them from temptation. Pr. 7:7ff 14
2. Prepare them to responsibly take care of themselves. Pr. 6:1-11 12:24 22:7
C. Train your children in the things of God. Deut. 6:4f Isa. 38:19
1. First, the Word must be in your heart. Dt. 6:4-6
2. Teach your children in formal situations: family devotions. Dt. 6:7 II Ti. 3:15 1:5
3. Teach them informally in the context of daily life. Deut. 6:7-9,20-25
4. Evangelize your children. Deut. 6:20-25 Mt. 18:1-4 Is. 55:11
V. Don t provoke your children to anger. Eph. 6:4a Col. 3:21
A. Don t neglect them. I Sam. 2:12-17,22-25 3:13 4:11 I Kings 1:5-6 II Sam. 14:24
1. Lack of discipline. Pr. 19:18 I Sam. 3:13
2. Lack of love. Ps. 103:13-14
3. Lack of understanding: not all children are the same. Mt. 21:28-31
B. Twenty-five ways parents provoke their children to anger (from Priolo).
1. Lack of marital harmony. Genesis 2:24 Heb. 12:15
2. Maintaining a child-centered home. Pr. 29:15 II Ti. 3:1-2
3. Modeling sinful anger. Prov. 22:24-25 Js. 1:19-20 Mt. 5:21-23 Ro. 12:1f Ps. 38:1
4. Habitually disciplining while angry. Ps. 38:1 Gal. 6:1 Heb. 12:5-10 I Th. 2:3ff
5. Scolding. Eph. 4:29
6. Being inconsistent with discipline. II Co. 1:17-18 Ecc. 8:11
7. Having double standards. Phil. 4:9
8. Being legalistic. Mt. 15:8-9
9. Not admitting you are wrong and not asking for forgiveness. Mt. 5:23-24 Js. 5:16
10. Constantly finding fault. Job 32:2-3 Pr. 19:11
11. Parents reversing God-given roles. Eph. 5:22-30
12. Not listening to your child s opinion or taking his/her side of the story seriously.
Prov. 18:3,17 20:5 Eph. 4:25 Js. 1:19
13. Comparing them to others. II Co. 10:12
14. Not making time just to talk. Js. 1:19 Pr. 20:5
15. Not praising orencouraging yourchild. Rev. 2-4 I Co. 1:1ff Col. 3:21
16. Failing to keep your promises. Mt. 5:37 Ps. 15:4 Col. 3:9
17. Chastening them in front of others. Mt. 18:15
18. Not allowing enough freedom. Lu. 12:48 I Co. 13:11
19. Allowing too much freedom. Pr. 29:15 Gal. 4:1-2
20. Mocking your child. Job 17:1-2
21. Abusing them physically. I Ti. 3:3 Num. 22:27-29
22. Ridicule or name calling. Eph. 4:29
23. Unrealistic expectations. I Co. 13:11 I Th. 2:11
24. Practicing favoritism. Luke 15:25-30
25. Child training with worldly methods instead of God sWord. Eph. 6:4 Pr. 3:5-6
VI. Who determines success in parenting?
A. Your faithfulness to the Word of God is crucial.
1. God uses faithful parenting to draw children to Himself. Pr. 22:6 29:17
2. Does good parenting guarantee good kids? Gen. 4:1-9 Prov. 10:4
3. None of us is a good enough parent to save our children by our works.
228

B. Your children make choices for themselves.
1. You can exercise authority over behavior, but you cannot control their hearts.
2. Children often reject wisdom and choose folly. Pr. 15:5a 10:5 28:24 29:3 19:26 20:11
30:17 Luke 15:11-13 Isa. 1:2ff Jer. 2:30 5:3 7:28
C. You are dependent upon the sovereign grace of God.
1. You fall far short of perfection as parents. Heb. 12:10
2. Yourchildren are, by nature, spiritually dead. Rom. 8:6-8 Gen. 18:21
3. God alone can change hearts. Eph. 2:1-5
4. God works in families. Acts 2:39 16:34,15 11:14 18:8
5. If your children love the Lord, give glory to God!
VII. Concluding applications.
A. Nevergive up. Pr. 19:18 13:24
B. Your hope is in God, not your child, nor your parenting skills.
1. Where you have failed, confessyoursin. I John 1:9 Mt. 7:1ff
2. Ask God to show you and your children mercy. Job 1:5 Mt. 17:21
3. Seek godly counsel. Pr. 11:14 15:22 20:18
C. God gave His Son forsinfulparents and children. John 3:16
Discussion questions for family worship
1. Why should Christians want to have lots of children?
2. Whose responsibility is it to raise children?
3. Why do children need to be disciplined?
4. Describe how discipline is to be carried out.
5. Why is it not enough to merely discipline your children?
6. In what subjects should parents train their children?
7. What kinds of things do parents do which provoke their children to anger?
8. Does good parenting guarantee godly kids?
9. What hope does God offer for troubled parents?
VII. Other Resources.
A. Recommended reading:
1. Tedd Tripp, Shepherding a Child s Heart
2. Lou Priolo, The Heart of Anger
3. Paul Tripp, Age of Opportunity (Parenting Teens)
4. John MacArthur, Successful Christian Parenting
5. Richard Fugate, What the Bible Says About Child Training
6. Bruce Ray, Withhold Not Correction
B. Verses dealing with the heart of sin in children. Mark 7:20-23 Mt. 15:17-20
1. Obedience/talking back. Ex. 20:12 21:15,17 Dt. 21:18-21 Eph. 6:1-2 Col. 3:20
2. Quarreling. Js. 4:1-2 Pr. 15:1 17:14
3. Lying. Eph. 4:25 Acts 5:1-11 Col. 3:9-10 Pr. 12:19
4. Name calling. Matt. 5:22 James 3:1-10
5. Anger/vengeance. Mt. 5:21-22 Rom. 12:17-21 Pr. 25:28 14:29 16:32 Ps. 37:8
Js. 1:19-20 Eph. 4:26-32
229

6. Tattling/slander. Pr. 17:9 18:8 19:16 26:20-22
7. Evil companions. Pr. 1:10-19 I Cor. 15:33
8. Evil entertainment (music, TV, films) Eph. 5:3-7 II Co. 10:5 Ps. 101:3
9. Need to confess. Pr. 28:13 I Jn. 1:9
10. Need to forgive. Mt. 6:14-15 18:15-17,21-35 26:24-26 Eph. 4:32 Heb. 12:15
11. Envy. Pr. 14:30 23:17 24:1,19 Js. 3:14-16
12. Laziness. Pr. 6:6-11 12:24 II Th. 3:10
13. Stealing and restitution. Num 5:6-7 Eph. 4:28 Ex. 21:28-36
14. Misuse of substances. Pr. 20:1 23:20-21,29-35 I Co. 6:19
15. Pride/humility. Pr. 6:16-18 8:13 11:2 15:33 16:19 22:4 29:23 Phil. 2:1-11 I Pet. 5:6-7
Js. 4:6
C. The folly which is bound up in the hearts of children.
1. They reject (even mock) wisdom and instruction. 1:7 15:5,14,20 1:7,22,32 10:8 18:2
30:11,17 20:20
2. They don t show proper respect to their parents. 19:26 30:17
3. They choose foolish and wicked companions. 13:20 14:7 22:24
4. They talk too much. 12:23 13:16 15:2 18:7,2 13 29:11,20
5. They are proud and boastful. 14:16 28:26 27:1-2
6. They justify their sin. 12:15 28:24
7. They are self-centered. 18:2
8. They are quick-tempered. 12:16,18 14:17,29 29:11
9. They argue and quarrel. 18:6 20:3 26:4-5 29:9
10. They enjoy mischief. 10:23
11. They mock at sin. 14:9
12. They are stubborn and unreliable. 17:10 26:6
13. They flatter and manipulate. 29:5
14. They are lazy. 10:5
15. They lie. 12:22 26:18-19
16. They steal. 28:24
17. They are foolish with money. 14:24 28:24.
18. They are attracted to immorality. 7:22 29:3
19. They are attracted to intoxicating drink (drugs) and gluttony . 28:7 23:29-35
20. They aren t teachable. 15:5 18:2 28:26
230

Integrity. Exodus 20:16
I. Introduction and review. Mark6:18 Pr. 17:7 Jer. 9:3 They bend their tongues like a bow; lies
and not truth prevail in the land.
II. The theology of lying: every falsehood is a sin against God.
A. Truth is a significant kingdom issue.
1. God is by nature true and promotes the truth. Titus 1:2 John 14:6
2. We are made in his image and we are to reflect his nature.
3. Satan is by nature a liar and he promotes error. Jn. 8:44 II Co. 11:3 Gen. 3:1f
4. Your integrity demonstrates whose nature you share. Rom. 1:25 Eph. 4:25
B. Why do people lie?
1. People lie to avoid the consequences of the wrong things they have done.
2. People lie to get something from others.
3. Ultimately people lie because they do not believe or fear God.
C. Post-modernism, which declares that truth is relative, is the ultimate assertion of
man s sinful independence from God.
1. There is no objective truth or ultimate standard of morality.
2. What matters is what is true for you, how it makes you feel.
III. What isforbidden by the ninth commandment? Every kind of falsehood.
A. Don t bear false witness.
1. Perjury. Dt. 19:16f I Kn. 21:13 Pr. 25:18 Ex. 23:1
2. Breaking of oaths and promises. Mt. 5:33-37
3. Other falsehoods: slander, cheating, etc. Lev. 19:16
B. Don t deceive: manipulating words, exaggeration, flattery, white lies. Mt. 23:16-22
Ps. 12:3
C. Don t bear false witness against God. False teaching is a most severe form of lying.
Js. 3:1f
1. Teachers who openly deny the truthfulness of God s Word.
2. Post-modernism has infected the evangelical church.
D. Carelessness with truth: claiming to know when you can t be sure: accusations,
gossip, teaching, gullibility. Pr. 16:38 11:13
E. Lying has severe consequences. Pr. 19:5 12:13 A false witness will not go unpunished
and he who tells lies will not escape.... An evil man is trapped by his sinful talk.
1. You destroy your reputation for integrity.
2. You will harden your own heart. Singe conscience.
3. You will hurt the people you deceived. Pr. 26:28 A lying tongue hates those it
crushes and a flattering mouth works ruin.
4. Yourlies may contribute to others lying. Pr. 29:12 If a ruler pays attention to
falsehood, all his ministers become wicked.
5. Your lies will bring judgement from God. Pr. 12:22 15:3 6:16-19 Nu. 32:23
Ga. 6:7 Acts 5:1f Jn. 8:44 Rev. 21:8 22:15 The Lord detests lying lips.
231

IV. What ispositively required by the ninth commandment? Integrity. Pr. 20:15
A. Tell the truth. Eph. 4:25
B. Keep your commitments, even if it hurts. Ps. 15:4 Pr. 3:28 Jud. 11:30-31 Dt. 23:22
C. Proclaim the truth of God in Christ. Pr. 20:15
D. Sometimes it is wise to remain quiet.
1. You should not always say what is in your mind. Eph. 4:15 Pr. 10:19 Ps. 141:3
2. Not everyone has a right to the truth. Pr. 11:13
3. Sometimes it is possible to be released from a commitment.
4. Sometimes one is providentially hindered from keeping a commitment.
E. Integrity takes faith! Pr. 21:6 19:6 Ps. 51:6 15:2 24:4 Mt. 12:34
V. Concluding applications.
A. All of us are born liars. I Jn. 1:8-2:4
B. Jesus is the truth who makes a way for us to come to the Father. Jn. 8:31-32 14:6
1. He willchange your nature. Col. 3:9-10
2. He willestablish a kingdom of truth. Zech. 8:3,16
232

I. Introduction and review:
A. How much can a Christian sin?
B. Why shouldn t you sin? 2:1
Obedience to God. I John 2:3-6
II. Yourobedience to God s commandments proves you know Him. v. 3
A. John is not saying that we come to know God by keeping His commandments.
1. We come to know God when we repent of our sins and believe in the Lord Jesus
Christ, ourAdvocate Who is the propitiation for our sins. 1:8-2:2
2. Salvation isby grace alone through faith alone in Christ alone. Eph. 2:8-9
3. Works follow saving faith. Eph. 2:10
B. He is telling us how we can know we have come to know Him. Jer. 9:23-24
Some make a counterfeit claim to know God. 1:6 2:4 Mt. 7:21-23
C. What does it mean to know God? Jer. 31:33-34 John 17:3
D. If you have truly come to know God, you will obey His commandments. Jer. 31:33-34
1. While obedience is not acondition of coming to know God, it is a necessary
result.
2. Jesus emphasized the necessity that His disciples obey Him. Mt. 28:18-20
John 14:15,21,23,24 10:27
3. Obedience is a characteristic of true believers. Rev. 12:17 14:12 I Co. 7:19
4. Which commandments should we obey? Ex. 20 Mt. 22:37-40 Ro. 13:8-10
Jo. 13:34
E. Why must true faith always produce obedience?
1. When you confess your sin, you are not merely admitting the fact that you are a
sinner, but coming to God to be delivered from your sin. 1:9 Acts 2:37
2. Because salvation is God s work, saving faith will result in holiness of life.
Phil. 1:6 II Co. 5:17 Gal. 5:22f Titus 2:14 Eph. 1:4f 2:10 5:26
III. If you don t keep God s commandments, you do not know God. v. 4
A. Many false professors of John s day boasted that they knew God.
1. Some thought God could be known through human intellectual endeavors.
2. Others claimed to gain the knowledge of God through mystical experiences.
3. Their continued disobedience proved their profession was a lie. 1:6 4:20
Jo. 8:44
B. There are multitudes in our day whose claim of knowing God is false. Titus 1:16
1. Many think they are saved because they know a few doctrinal facts. Js. 2:19
2. Others claim to have had a great emotional experience.
3. Their lives prove they have not received God struth. 1:8
C. False teachers have caused confusion and damage.
1. The gospel is being misrepresented. Gal. 1:8-9
2. Because they do not understand that conversion is awork of the Spirit, they
emotionally manipulate people to make an outward decision. John 6:44 Eph. 2
3. They fail to teach their converts the necessity of obedience as a fruit of faith.
4. They carelessly offer false assurance to people who make an externalresponse.
5. Ourcalling is to faithfully preach the gospel. I Co. 1:21-25
233

D. When you habitually sin, you prove you do not really know, love, or believe God.
Is John saying that some who once knew God have lost their salvation? 2:19 Mt. 7:23
Phil. 1:6 John 10:28 14:15,24
IV. If you keep God sWord, the love of God has been perfected in you. v. 5a
A. Keeping His Word is synonymous with keeping His commandments (and walking as
He walked). v. 5a John 14:15,23 8:51,55
B. The love of God has truly been perfected (completed) in those who keep His Word.
1. Is John speaking of your love for God or God slove foryou? 5:3 4:9 3:17
Jo. 15:9f
2. His love for you has resulted in your actively loving Him and others.
3. John is not suggesting that you are living perfectly. 1:8,10 2:1 Phil. 3:12
4. The work of God which was begun in yourprofession of faith has been
completed when your faith shows itself by your works of love. 4:12,17
James 2:22
C. Those who love God are no longer in love with the world. 2:15-17 Mt. 6:24
1. Love for the world cannot coexist with love for God. Mt. 22:37 Lu, 14:26
Js. 4:4
2. The world is opposed to God. 2:16
3. The world is passing away. 2:17 Mt. 6:19 Isa. 55:2 John 4:13
D. Is your profession of faith confirmed by the love of God in your life?
V. Prove your profession of faith in Christ by walking in His steps. v. 5b-6
A. Do you claim to abide in Him? v. 5b-6a 3:24 4:12-13 John 15:1f
1. Abiding in Him is synonymous with knowing Him.
2. This image powerfully expresses our union with Him.
3. If you abide in Him, you will share His nature and bear fruit. John 15:5
B. If you are going to claim to be in Christ, imitate His example. 2:29 3:3,5,16 Jo. 13:15
I Pe. 2:21
1. You owe it to God.
2. Jesus perfectly obeyed the Father s will. John 4:34 8:29 14:31 13:34
3. Do others see Christ in you?
VI. Concluding applications.
A. How wellmust you obey God s commandments in order to have assurance?
1. John knows you will not keep God s law perfectly. 1:8-2:2
2. Are you striving to keep God s commandments?
3. Does obedience characterize your life?
4. Do you long to be like Christ?
5. Do you see progress over time?
6. Do you take your sin seriously?
7. Do you value God s grace to you in Christ?
8. Remember God s past work in your life.
9. Remember your salvation is God s work.
B. Do you know God?
234

I. Introduction.
A. What is peerpressure?
Peer Pressure: Not Just for Teens
B. Biblical language for peer pressure.
1. Conforming to the world. Rom. 12:2 I John 2:15-17
2. Pleasing men, rather than God. I Th. 2:4
3. Fearing man, rather than God. Pr. 29:25
4. Being influenced by the ungodly. Ps. 1:1f
5. Associating with ungodly companions. ICo. 15:33
6. Joining a wicked mob. Ex. 23:2
II. Who experiences peer pressure?
A. We allstruggle with peer pressure.
B. Biblical examples of people who succumbed to peer pressure.
1. Reuben, who wouldn t stand up to his brothers wicked treatment of Joseph.
Gen. 37:18f
2. The naive young man joining a gang in Proverbs 1:10-19.
3. King Saul, who listened to the people rather than God. I Sam. 12:14 13:8 15:15
4. Rehoboam, who rejected the wise counsel of the elders and listened to his immature
friends. I Kings 12 I Chron. 10:6-16
5. Herod, who was unwilling to back off of his rash vow before his guests. Mt. 14:9
6. Those who believed in Jesus, but were silent for fear of the Jews. John 12:42-43
7. Pilate who put Jesus to death because he feared the Jews. Luke 23:1f
8. The Jews who joined the mob in rejecting. Luke 23:23-24 Ex. 23:2
9. Peter, when he denied Jesus. Mt. 26:69-75
10. Peter, when he capitulated to the party of the circumcision and refused to eat with the
Gentiles. Gal. 2:11-13
C. How can you identify a counselee who is enslaved to peer pressure?
1. Being overly influenced by peers is not ordinarily a presentation problem.
2. Does the counselee show indications of being controlled by the opinions and values of
others?
3. Diagnostic questions.
a. Are you a people pleaser?
b. Are you over-committed because you can t say no ?
c. Are you overly dependent on people for love, affection, and acceptance?
d. Do you sometimes boast, exaggerate, or even lie in order to make yourself look good?
e. Are you overly sensitive to criticism?
f. Are you afraid other people might consider you a failure?
g. Do you often second guess decisions because of what others might think?
h. Are you easily embarrassed?
i. Do you struggle with jealousy and envy?
235

III. What kinds of peerpressure do adults face?
A. Moral peer pressure.
B. Intellectualpeer pressure. Col. 2:8f
C. Social peerpressure: tolerance.
D. Religious peer pressure. Mt. 15:6 Gal. 2:11f
IV. What are some sources of peer pressure? Ps. 1:1-2
A. Friends and family. I Pe. 4:3-5
B. Educators.
C. Work or school environment.
D. News media and entertainment.
E. The church.
V. What are the root causes of our capitulation to peer pressure?
A. The fearof man, which brings a snare. Prov. 29:25
B. Idolatry: we think people can meet our ultimate needs and that God cannot. Isa. 55:1-2
Jer. 17:5-8 Rom. 1:23
C. Succumbing to sinful peer pressure is self-destructive. Pr. 29:25 Jer. 17:5-6 Isa. 55:2
VI. How can aChristian overcome peer pressure?
A. The answer of psychology is to build self-esteem. II Tim. 3:1-2 Judges 21:25
B. Repent of your sinful fear of man. Pr. 29:25 23:17 Mt. 10:28 Luke 12:4-5 I Th. 2:4
I Pet. 3:13-14
C. Cultivate the fear of God and love for God. Pr. 1:7,20f Mt. 22:37 Acts 5:29
1. Seekto please Him. I Jo. 3:22
2. Fear displeasing God more than displeasing men. Pr. 3:11 Heb. 12:5
3. Those who fear God will be blessed. Pr. 29:25 19:23 10:27 14:26 15:16 22:4
4. Set your mind on things above. Col. 3:1f
D. Trust the LORD. Jer. 17:7-8 Prov. 3:5-6 Ps. 27:3 118:8-9 62:5-6
1. Recognize that the highest pleasures are found in the LORD. Isa. 55:1-2
2. Even when you are surrounded by your enemies, God is with you. Ps. 23:5
3. Seekwisdom, which enables you to overcome peer pressure.
Prov. 1:7-19 2:2 3:13 4:5 7:4
4. Determine your beliefs and standards from Scripture. Ps. 119:111 Pr. 3:5-6
Prepare in advance for peer pressure.
5. You need God shelp to succeed. John 15:5
236

E. Honor God by choosing wise peers. Prov. 13:20 Ps. 119:163
1. Wicked companions will drag you down. Pr. 1:17-19 4:14-16 20:19
22:24-25 23:20 24:1-2,21-22 I Co. 15:33 II Co. 6:14f
2. Godly companions will lift you up. Pr. 4:14-19 17:17 Daniel 2:17f
3. Peer pressure can be a good thing, if you have the right peers. Heb. 10:24-25
Pr. 27:6,17 Ecc. 4:9-12 Rom. 15:14 Mt. 18:15f Gal. 6:1-5 Eph. 5:3f
4. Carefully select your teachers and mentors.
5. Choose the entertainment which you will allow to influence you. Ps. 101:3-4
F. Be prepared to stand alone. John 15:18f Acts 5:29f Mt. 7:13 I Jo. 2:15-17 II Co. 6:8
G. Those who overcome peer pressure are blessed.
VII. Biblical examples of those who have withstood peer pressure.
A. Danieland his friends. Daniel 1:1f 2:17f 3:16-18 6:1f
B. Moses. Heb. 11:24-25.
C. Micaiah. I Kings 22:13
D. Paul. Gal. 1:10-12 2:11f Eph. 6:19-20 I Th. 2:4
E. Christ. John 8:29 Mt. 22:16
F. How did they do it?
VIII. Homework for those who are influenced by peer pressure.
A. Studies in the book of Proverbs.
B. Make a list and evaluate the people who have influence over you.
C. Peer pressure journal.
1. The situation.
2. What others were telling me to do.
3. What the Bible says God wants me to do.
4. What I did.
D. Reading assignments:
1. When People are Big and God is Small, Welch
2. Overcoming Fear, Worry and Anxiety, Fitzpatrick
237

238

I. Introduction.
Serve God in YourVocation. Eph. 6:5-9
II. Yourworkis important.
A. Yourworkhas spiritual significance.
1. God Himself works. Gen. 2:2-3 John 5:17 Mark 6:3
2. God created mankind to work in His image: dominion. Gen. 2:15
3. The fall makes work difficult and unpleasant. Gen. 3:17-19 Ecc. 2:20-21
4. Hard work is a mark of godliness. Ex. 20:9 I Tim. 5:8
5. Your vocation is a significant part of your identity and your service to God.
6. Those who don t worksin against God and destroy their own lives. Pr. 6: 6-11
12:24 15:19 18:9 20:4 24:30-32 26:14-15 I Tim. 5:8 II Th. 3:10
7. If you are unemployed, your full time job is to look for work. Ecc. 11:6
8. Some need to upgrade their skills, so they can pursue a more suitable vocation.
9. Not everyone can pursue his dream career. Pr. 28:19 14:23
10. Christ reverses the effects of the fall, making labor meaningful and significant.
11. We will work in heaven, serving God. Rev. 22:3
B. Work is not everything. Mark 2:27
1. God has blessed humanity with cycles of work and rest. Ex. 20:9 Gen. 2:2-3
2. Rest, like work, has spiritual significance. Heb. 4:1-11
III. Employees, work for your boss as if you were working for Christ. v. 5-8
A. How does a passage addressed to slaves apply to 21 st century employees?
1. Your employer (or customer) purchases and owns your labor.
2. You are tempted to the same vices as slaves would have been.
3. You have the same opportunity to honor God in your vocation.
4. You have many freedoms and privileges others have not enjoyed.
5. Be thankful for how pleasant your work situation is.
B. Obey your boss. v. 5a
1. Do what he/she asks you to do. Titus 2:10
2. What if your boss is unreasonable? I Pe. 2:18-23 4:15
3. There are limitations to your boss s authority. Acts 5:29 Gal. 3:28 4:7
C. Honor your boss. v. 5b-7
1. Serve respectfully. v. 5b Titus 2:10
2. Serve wholeheartedly. v. 5c Ecc. 9:10a Col. 3:17
3. Serve conscientiously. v. 6a Titus 2:10
4. Serve cheerfully. v. 7a
5. Don t take unfair advantage of a Christian boss. I Tim. 6:2
D. You are able to serve your boss in this way because you work for Christ. v. 5b-8
1. Serve respectfully and wholeheartedly obey for Christ s sake. v. 5b
2. Work conscientiously because you are servants of Christ. v. 6 I Co. 6:20
3. Labor cheerfully because you are serving the Lord. v. 7
4. Your work is a big part ofyour witness. I Ti. 6:1 Titus 2:10 I Pe. 2:12,20 3:15
4:16
5. Christ willreward your faithful labor. v. 8 Mt. 25:14ff Luke 6:35 II Co. 5:10
Ecc. 12:14 Rev. 22:12 Pr. 10:4 21:5 12:24 Col. 3:25
6. The Lord will give you grace to endure. I Co. 10:13 Mt. 11:29-30
239

IV. Employers, treat your employees fairly. v. 9
A. In what sense are employers to do the same things to their employees? v. 9a
1. Paul is not saying employers must obey their employees.
2. Treat them with respect. Job 31:13 Philemon 1:16 Mt. 7:12
3. Treat them fairly: just wages and safe working conditions. Col. 4:1 Lev. 19:13
Deut. 24:14-15 James. 5:4
B. Don t abuse your authority. v. 9b
1. Roman masters had great power over their slaves.
2. Employers sometimes have great power.
3. Positively, offer them encouragement and reward for their faithfulness.
C. Remember you too are a servant who will give account to a heavenly Master. v. 9c
1. God is not impressed by your worldly status. I Pe. 1:17
2. God takes special interest in the weak and oppressed. Js. 5:1ff
V. Concluding applications.
A. How do these principles apply to modern labor relations?
1. Can a Christian join a labor union?
2. You are not a slave. I Co. 7:21
3. Sometimes unions promote adversarial relationships with employers.
4. What honor and obedience do union members owe to union leaders?
5. Should Christians honor picket lines?
6. Can a Christian be a replacement worker (scab)?
B. Keep your work in properperspective.
1. Some make their career an idol.
2. Remember it is God who makes you successful. Deut. 8:18
3. Yourworkis to be for His glory. Pr. 16:3
4. Your success is not measured in dollars or worldly status.
5. Don t neglect the Lord, your family, and the church. Eph. 5:22-6:4 Heb. 10:25
6. Enjoy the rest God gives you. Ex. 20:8-11 Gen. 2:1-3
7. Don t forget to give to the Lord s work. Eph. 4:28 I Co. 16:2 I Ti. 6:17-19
Pr. 3:9
C. If you want to glorify God in your work, you must be filled with His Spirit. Eph. 5:21
D. Before you can serve God in your work, you must embrace Christ s work. I Pe. 2:21f
He became a servant in order to purchase ourfreedom. Mk. 10:45 Phil. 2:5-11
240

The Tenderness Trap (by Jim Newheiser)
(The following is a semi-fictional compilation of various experiences of Christian leaders.)
It happened again. Another Pastor has fallen. This time, though, it wasn't a liberal or a glitzytelevision
preacher. It was a man of sound doctrine with over twenty years of faithful ministry, a man whose
godliness, giftedness, and soundness of doctrine was widely recognized. Tragically, he has been disqualified
for ministry.
The sheep he served are wounded and confused. Some feel betrayed by the man who was a father and a
brother to them. Their faith has been shaken. Others are angry at the other leaders for their handling of the
problem. Couldn't they have shown more compassion to a man who had served them faithfully for so long?
Still others, - including jealoushusbands think that he got off too easy. How could he have abused his trust
in this way?
There is concern that the church may not be able to complete the building program begun under this pastor's
leadership. There is even concern that the body to which he devoted his life will be divided. This was a man
who contended for sound doctrine. He was a mentor who guided many young pastors. Now he has fallen.
"Tell it not in Gath lest the enemies of truth rejoice!"
The pastor himself, whose whole life has been ministry, faces great challenges. How will he support his
familywithso few marketable skills? Where will he go to church? What role will he play? How can he
face his wife and children after what he has done? They too must live with the consequences of his actions.
The questions abound, including some that are relevant to others in ministry: How did it happen? Where did
he go wrong? And how can you and I avoid following in his tragic footsteps?
This pastor did not actually commit adultery. He was and is very happy in his marriage. He was not
looking for sexual excitement or fulfillment. He simply fell into "The Tenderness Trap." He got too
emotionally involved with women he was counseling. In so doing, he crossed some lines and is no longer
above reproach. Ruinous sin is the culmination of a process (James 1:14-15). Inthis article, I would like to
help you to avoid taking even the first step.
Falling into the Tenderness Trap
How it Started.
These situations do not come about because the counselee or the counselor begins with wicked motives
(Prov. 7:6ff). Most people in these cases begin withgood intentions and wind up with disaster.
Specifically, most individuals who come for pastoralcounseling are women, and most ofthese womenhave
problemsintheir marriages. They seek help from their pastor to learn how to better please God.
The pastor/counselor wants to faithfully minister the Word to such a woman. He has probably taken
precautions to avoid temptationor even the appearance of evil, by keeping his office door open and having
his secretarynearby. Still, the counselor and the counselee are facing a situation filled with danger. The
woman's husband doesn't have time for her and won't listen to her. The pastor, meanwhile, patiently and
tenderly listens to her problems expressing concern and compassion. He is the spiritual leader her husband
has never been. In their sessions together this unhappy woman is finding genuine help from the
encouragement her pastor is giving her from the Scriptures. She seems to be drawing closer to the Lord.
At the same time, the pastor is gaining a sense of fulfillment from this success. He has seen all too many
"failures" in ministry.
241

DangerSigns.
As the counseling relationship progresses, both the counselor and counselee may begin to have thoughts that
should have alerted them to danger before it was too late. The woman may be tempted to think, "If only my
husband were a spiritual leader like him," or "I wishthat I had married a man like this, who cares about my
feelings." Of course, if the counselor/pastor were ever to become involved with her, these very qualities
would be betrayed by their bond.
The pastor, for his part, may find that he enjoys having a woman so dependent onhimfor advice and
support. He enjoys meeting her emotional needs successfully and feels protective of her. He finds himself
looking forward to their meetings. He may even realize that he is having more intimate conversations with
her than with his wife.
Neither the pastor nor the counselee has any intentionof moving towards aromantic relationship, but
bonding is taking place. By now, the thought of emotional involvement has probably occurred to one or
bothof them. They may both be intrigued by the male-female electricity of their friendship, though thus far
it is "low voltage". To the degree that they recognize this temptation, the two put these thoughts quickly
aside, perhaps with a prayer of confession asking for strength. The pastor may tell himself that this is a way
that Satan is tempting him, and that he needs to be strong. After all, counseling women is part ofhis job as
anundershepherd in God's flock. The woman, meanwhile, trusts her pastor as a man of God. She can't
imagine that anything inappropriate could happen.
Lines Crossed.
At some point in the counseling sessions a line is crossed. One of them realizes that they have gone too far.
Perhapsthe pastor finds himselfviolating some his own rules, meeting with this woman alone in the office,
or failing to tell his wife everything he should about the length, content, and frequency of their meetings.
Perhapsthere is physical contact, a hug or holding hands, which outwardly appears to be brotherly, yet the
pair experience mixed emotions. Bothof them find that they are enjoying the attention, attraction, and
emotionalinvolvement.
Finally, the pastor is getting worried. He realizesthat he has gone too far, but now the price of corrective
actionseems too high. If he goes to his fellow elders and confesses his fault, he would experience terrible
embarrassment. They might make a mountain out of a molehill. What if this woman's husband gets upset,
or others in the church learn about this? Gossips would have a field day and his ministry could be ruined.
Those inside or outside of the church who have sought an opportunity to discredit him would have their
chance. If he were to tell his wife, she would be deeplyhurt. She might also misunderstand and think that
there issomething wrong withher.
So the pastor rationalizes, perhapswhat he is doing isn't so bad after all. He is still preaching powerfully.
Things seem to be going smoothly enough at home. God must not think that he is wrong, otherwise he and
the church wouldn't be so blessed. New members are coming. New ministries are being established. Why
rock the boat? After all, he hasn't actually committed adultery. He is a strong Christian leader. He can
keep the situation under control without involving or upsetting others.
A Ministry Ruined.
If one keeps playing with fire, sooner or later he will get burned. "When lust has conceived, it gives birth to
sin; and when sin is accomplished it brings forth death" (James 1:15). Soon, perhaps the "brotherly" hug or
pat onthe back is followed by a short kiss - then a longer one, or a touching which is clearly more than
"brotherly".
242

We might ask, "Why didn't one of them stop this when it happened?" While outwardly both of them were
outwardly treating their relationship as purely pastoral, the emotional intimacythey had developed led very
naturally to this point. Though both of them may be shocked on one level, it seems very natural on another.
What happens next can vary. Many couples will go on to commit adultery. Some willstill not cross that
line, but willcontinue taking fire into their bosom (Prov. 6:27). The great majority will not stop until they
are caught. A few will finally turn themselves in. But all will suffer greatly, and will watch others suffer as a
consequence of their sin.
Avoiding the Tenderness Trap
How can you avoid falling into the tenderness trap? I have found several principles to be essential.
1. Don't Trust Yourself. Some menwillsay, "This could never happen to me." Such a man will talk about
how happyand fulfilled he is inhis marriage. Furthermore, he knows that he is strong. He hasnever felt
attracted to anymembers of his congregation or come close to crossing any lines incounseling relationships.
Some men are confident that they are safe because of their older age or mediocre looks. Paul says, "Let him
who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall" (1 Cor. 10:12). A friend reminded me that women are most
prone to fall for the tender, caring men who know how to speak words of kindness. Many good (and even
unattractive) men have fallen who would never have imagined that it could happen to them.
It is important to remember that you make your way down the road to ruin one step at a time. Satan knows
that he probably cannot tempt you to immediately fall into adultery, so he is patient to bring you to that
point little by little.
2. Make Strict Rules - and keep them. I suggest the following:
Do not meet alone witha female counselee if you are not visible to others. Keep the door
open.
Do not talk about the physical relationship in marriage without the husband present.
Do not touchafemale counselee in a counseling session. I have had women weep in my
office, even to the point of collapse. I keep my desk between myselfand them no matter
what. If a woman needs a hug, I ask another woman from the church to take care of her. If a
counselee tries to touch you, I recommend pulling quickly away, and making it clear that this
just isn't done.
As you explain these rules to your counselee, tell her that you hold to them not because you don't trust her
or because she can't trust you, but because you want to ensure that both of you remain above reproach.
Apply your rules uniformly - don't make exceptions for unattractive women!
If you find yourself wanting to bend or break the rules take it as a warning sign and immediately go to your
fellow elders and your spouse.
3. Respect your counselee's marriage relationship. When you are counseling a married woman,
remember that she is under her husband's authority. You do not want to undermine that relationship.
Ordinarily, if a woman is having problems with her marriage, her husband should also be present for
counseling. It is not right to talk about his sins without him present. Ordinarily, you should not meet with a
woman without her husband's knowledge and approval, an exception might be if the husband is an
unbeliever. The exceptional cases should be treated with the greatest caution. One pastor whom I respect
willnot meet more than twice with a woman without her husband present.
243

4. Get other women involved in counseling women. Titus 2:3-5 states that older women are uniquely
qualified to help younger women be godly wives and mothers. Inmany ways, they may be better able to
address many problems than you are. My recent practice has been to meet with a woman a couple of times.
I then place her in a more intense counseling/discipleship relationship with a more mature woman under my
supervision. This eliminates many of the problems that could occur in a male-female counseling situation.
Many pastors lack such older women in their churches. Inaddition to asking God to raise up such women,
pastors must select women with potential for such a ministry and train them. 1
5. Remain Accountable. Keep your wife and your fellow elders aware of your counseling appointments
and the general subject matter of your meetings. Within that circle, absolute confidentiality must be
maintained; however, your marriage is more important than a woman's privacy. If a woman counselee is
unwilling to agree to thiscondition, decline to meet withher.
If you are experiencing any "warning signs" or if you fear that you may have crossed some lines yourself, tell
your fellow elders immediately (2 Tim. 2:22). Seek and submit to their counsel. Entrust yourself to the
Lord through them. It is much easier to snuff out a small flame than to fight a raging forest fire. I know
more than one pastor, who when he started to feel tempted or attracted to a woman, immediately made
himself strictly accountable to others and the situation was diffused before disaster struck. If there is any
question in your mind, seek accountability! Remember how deceitful the heart is (Prov. 14:12). One of the
great dangers many pastors face is that they are on such a pedestal, they don't have anypeers inthe church
in whom they feel that they can safely confide. Such a loftyperch is a precarious one.
Advice to Those Who Have Fallen
The great majority of men continue in sin until they are caught (busted). Usually, when a pastor is initially
confronted about a compromising situation, there is either denial or minimization: "I'm just a man." "We
didn't actually commit adultery." "Everyone deserves a second chance." "I'll never do it again." Usuallythe
pastor is concerned withkeeping the matter asprivate aspossible in order to protect himself, his family, and
the church. I, however, hold very little hope for the restoration of a man who persistently violates his
conscience and has to be caught and proven guilty before he "repents". It is hard to believe that the
"repentance" shown at this point is any more than preservation of pride, livelihood, and reputation.
If you as a pastor or a counselor have acted inappropriately, the best thing you can do is to confess your sin
to your fellow leaders, the church, and your spouse. Accept the consequences. Submit to whatever
discipline your fellow leaders impose upon you. Warnothers against the same sins. Willingly relinquish
your office and find a way to honorably support your family. Don't expect to be restored to office or paid
ministry in the future. Take comfort in God's forgiveness (Psalm 51). God has borne fruit through you in
the past despite of your sin. God will use you in new ways in the future.
Advice to Fellow Leaders
As you minister to a pastor or counselor in such a situation, deal with firmness and love. While many may
be concerned for the parties involved in the sin, you too are going through a traumatic time of heartache.
Realize that you are likely to be criticized for your actions by some members of the congregation. Some
willthink you are too strict, others willbe upset because you are too lenient. You maybe tempted to
disclose less than the whole truth out of compassion for those who sinned, but the only way to avoid gossip
and false accusations against you is to fully lay out the charges (1 Tim. 5:20). If the fallen brother is willing
to submit to discipline, it may be appropriate for the elders to provide financially for his transition to
"secular work". They should also offer ongoing counsel and accountability which will, it is hoped, lead to
1 For example, the CCEF introductory course videos might be useful for this purpose. Also, see "Why Women
Should Counsel Women" by Elyse Fitzpatrick, from the CCEF San Diego Summer Institute in Biblical Counseling,
(1994).
244

his restoration to usefulness (but not office).
You willalso need to help the others who have been affected. Those who have sinned must seek
forgivenessfrom those who have been wronged (spouses, children, and the church at large). The woman
and the other family members involved will also need counsel. Finally, the church at large will have great
needs. Those who have trusted and loved their pastor may be terribly disillusioned. They should be
reminded that only Christ is sinless. The fact that their leader has fallen does not negate the benefits they
received from his ministry in the past. They should be encouraged to look to the Lord as our perfect head
and example, and to watchthemselves.
Whentime comes to hire anew pastor, seek to practice genuine plural leadership and mutual accountability,
rather than putting him on a dangerous pedestal.
AFinal Word to Those Who Haven't Fallen
What is your goalinministry? Do you want to have a big church? Do you want to have areputation as a
great preacher? My goal is that when my life and ministryare ending, I can say with Paul, "I have fought
the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith" (2 Tim. 4:7). I want to arrive at the finish
line without having beendisqualified (1 Cor. 9:27). Regardless of the size and scope of mylife's work, I
want to be found faithful at the end - that I have not done anything to bring hurt and disgrace upon the
Name of the Lord and His church.
245

246

Turn NaturalVices into Supernatural Virtues. Ephesians 4:25-30
I. Introduction.
A. The uniqueness of Christian ethics.
1. Put off bad behavior.
2. Put on good behavior.
3. God sWord gives you the reason and the ability to be ethical.
B. What place does God's Law have in the new covenant church?
1. We are free from the Law. Rom. 3:20 6:15
2. As God's chosen and redeemed people, we are called to obedience. John 14:15
Eph. 1:4 2:10 IPet. 1:14-16
3. God's Law convicts unbelievers of sin & calls them to repentance. Gal. 3:10-13
II. Replacelying with truth. v. 25
A. Put off falsehood. v. 25a Ex. 20:16 Zech. 8:16-17
1. Why does thiscome first?
a. God is, by nature, truth. John 14:6 8:32 17:17 Titus 1:2
God takes lying very seriously. Acts 5:1-11 Rev. 21:8, 27 II Cor. 11:3
2. We live in an age of liars.
3. Examples of violations of this commandment. Lev. 6:1-6 Ps. 15:4
(Perjury, failure to keep a promise or commitment, cheating on school work,
betrayal of a confidence, flattery, exaggeration, misstatement of facts,
carelessness, rumors, deceit.)
4. How are we tempted to rationalize falsehood? (white lies?)
B. Put on integrity. v. 25b
1. We are people of truth. Acts 1:8 Prov. 20:15
2. It takes faith to tell the truth. What do you do when you get into a tight place?
3. Must we always tell the whole truth? 4:15a Prov. 11:13
C. As members of Christ's body, you owe the truth to one another. v. 25c,4 1:23
1. Ethical behavioris built upon the doctrinal foundation already laid.
2. Intimate fellowship is based upon trust, thus lying is destructive to the church.
III. Replacesinfulanger with a controlled temper. v. 26-27
A. Put on controlled righteous indignation. v. 26a
Is there such a thing as righteous anger?
1. God Himself is angry at sin. 5:6 Mark. 3:5 John 2:14-17 Rom. 1:18
2. We ought to have a holy hatred for evil. Ps. 97:10 119:53 69:9 2:12
3. The best sin to be angry at is your own.
B. Put off sinful anger. v. 26b-c Ps. 4:4 Ecc. 7:9 James 1:19-20
1. The world deals with anger through supression and ventilation.
2. Righteous angeris rare and short lived.
3. Don't remain angry for long. v. 26c Matt. 5:23-24 Rom. 12:17-21 Eph. 4:32
I Pet. 2:21-23 Prov. 15:1,18 29:11 Js. 1:19-20
C. If you don't handle your anger properly, you are inviting Satan's activity. v. 27
How you control your temper is part of the unseen spiritual battle.
247

IV. Replace theft with hard work and charity. v. 28
A. Put off stealing. v. 28a Ex. 20:15 Lev. 19:11 Titus. 2:9-10
1. Theft is rampant in our society. (Crime, scams, padding expense accounts,
underpayment of taxes, expectation of something for nothing from the
government.)
2. The sin of theft can be very subtle. Jer. 17:9
a. Robbing your employer by not giving a day's work for a day's wage.
b. Taking company resources for personal use.
c. Failure to pay a fair price or wage.
d. Overcharging.
e. Stealing the time of others by forcing them to wait for you to be late.
f. Borrowing and not returning. Ps. 37:21
g. Stealing ideas (plagiarism).
h. Copyright violations.
3. Each of these sins can be rationalized. Prov. 14:12
4. Ultimately stealing is rooted in unbelief. Phil. 4:11
B. Put on good hard work. v. 28b Acts 20:34-35
1. One of the great sins of our day is sloth. II Thess. 3:6-15 I Tim. 5:8
2. Are you working hard? I Thess. 2:9 4:11 Acts 20:34 Prov. 26:13-16 28:19-20
C. Work hard so you can help those in need. v. 28c Luke 3:11 Acts 20:34-35
1. Notice what is not given as the motive for hard work!
2. It is right to help the righteous who are in financial distress.
3. By doing so, you reflect the Lord's sacrificial kindness. II Cor. 8:9 Prov. 19:17
4. Remember that you are indebted to the Lord for every blessing.
V. Conclusion.
A. Become the new man Christ died to make you. Rom. 14:23 Ex. 22:1-4 Luke 19:8
B. Are there liars and thieves in ourchurch? I Cor. 6:9-11
248

I. Introduction
The Virtuous Man: Job 31
A. The need for virtuous men.
B. Job s description of the virtuous man.
1. The context in the book of Job: the climax of Job s defense. v. 35-37
2. Is Job guilty of proud self-justification?
a. God acknowledges Job s excellence of character. 1:8 2:3
b. God vindicates Job before his accusers. 42:7-9
c. Job s repentance is an acknowledgment of God s sovereignty, not an
admission that his owncharacter is wicked. 42:1-6
C. There is no higher ethical statement in the Old Testament than Job 31.
1. Moral purity involves more than our acts, but begins in our hearts. v. 1 Mt. 5:27ff
2. Ourduty to God and man goes beyond avoiding wrong, but extends to positively
showing love. v. 16-23
3. Allpeople are equal in value before God. v. 14-15 Gal. 3:28 Eph. 6:9
4. Weare not only to love our neighbors, but also our enemies. v. 29-30 Mt. 5:43ff
D. As in the case of the virtuous woman, the root from which the character of the virtuous
man springs is the fear of God. 1:8 2:3 31:2-4 , 14-15, 22-23, 28, 33-34
II. The Moral Purity of the Virtuous Man. v. 1-12
A. Hedoes not allow his heart or his eyes to lust. v. 1-4 Mt. 5:27-32 Ex. 20:17
1. Job understands the nature of temptation and sin. v. 1 James 1:14-15
a. First the eye is attracted to what is forbidden. Gen. 3:6 II Sam. 11:2
b. Then the heart is enticed to desire what God has prohibited.
c. Then the act of sin takes place.
2. God is concerned not only about your actions, but also the thoughts of your heart.
Mat. 5:8, 27-28 22:37 Deut. 6:5
3. Youmust take radical action to keep your way pure. Mat. 5:29-30 Prov. 6:25
4. The repercussions of failure are severe. v. 2-3 James 1:15
5. The principle of heart purity applies to all sins, not just lust.
B. Hedoes not enrich himself through deceit and covetousness. v. 5-8 Ex. 20:15-16 Eph.
4:25, 28 From forbidden pleasures to forbidden profits.
1. Job isn t merely addressing flagrant sins punishable by human authority.
2. Do youdisplay integrity in your finances? Ps. 37:21
3. Youwillnever gainif your profit is at the expense of truth. v. 6-8
C. He does not defile his body through sexual immorality. v. 9-12 Ex. 20:14 I Cor. 6:15ff
Why does Job raise this subject again? v. 1
1. This is an area in which men are especially prone to sin.
2. The consequences are most serious. v.1-12 I Cor. 6:19 Mat. 19:6, 9 Prov. 6:26-35
7:12
Deut. 22:24 Lev. 20:10
3. The virtuous man finds joy in his marriage. Prov. 5:15-21 Heb. 13:4
III. The Social Justice of the Virtuous Man. v. 13-23 38-40
A. Hedoes not oppress his subordinates. v.13-15 James 5:4
1. Job recognized that his slaves were worthy of equal respect, being created in God s
image.
v. 15 Eph. 6:9 Gal. 3:28
2. Howdo you treat those under your authority? Eph. 6:9, 4 I Pet. 3:7 5:1-3
3. Youwill give account before the Lord. v. 14-15
249

B. Hedoes not close his hand to the poor. v. 16-20 James 1:27 2:15-16 I John 3:17
Job s friends had accused him of cruel insensitivity. 22:7, 9 20:19
1. God is concerned about the destitute. Pr. 14:31 Ps. 68:5 Deut. 24:19-21
2. He calls you to be generous with those in need. Prov. 19:17
3. Those who are stingy will be punished. Prov. 21:13
It is not enough to merely abstain from cruelty and oppression.
C. Hedoes not abuse his power and influence. v. 21-23 James 2:6 Lev. 19:15
God will vindicate the oppressed. v.22-23 Ps. 119:120
D. Hedoes not exploit others. v. 38-40 James 5:4 Prov. 3:27 Gen. 3:17 4:11
IV. The Religious Purity of the Virtuous Man. v. 24-28
A. Hedoes not trust in material wealth. v. 24-25 Col. 3:5 Mat. 6:19-24
Job answers another accusation. 22:24-25
1. Though Job had much wealth, he did not put his hope in riches.
2. Beware of materialism. I Tim. 6:17 Ecc. 5:10
3. Trust in the Lord alone. Isa. 26:3 Jer. 9:23-24
B. Hedoes not worship created things (openly or secretly). v. 26-28 Hos. 13:2 I Kn. 19:18
Idolatry is a capital offense. Deut. 17:2-7 Mt. 10:33
V. The Interpersonal Relationships of the Virtuous Man. v. 29-34
A. Hedoes not hate his enemies. v. 29-30 Mat. 5:43-47 Prov. 24:17-18 Rom. 12:17ff
1. Not only actions, but words, thoughts, and wishes are governed by righteousness.
2. Do yourejoice when your rivals experience disaster?
3. God may bring calamity upon you.
B. Hedoes not withhold hospitality towards strangers. v. 31-33 Heb. 13:2 I Pet. 4:9
Gen. 19:1-3 Deut. 10:18-19 Lev. 19:10 Prov. 25:21-22
C. Hedoes not engage in hypocrisy. v. 33-34
1. Some abstain from sin because they fear men.
2. Job disdains sin because he fears God. v. 14-15, 23, 28
3. Whenhesins, he does not cover it up, but deals with it. Ps. 32:1-5 Gen. 3:8-10
Pr. 28:13
I John 1:8-10
4. Those who fear God have no fear of men.
VI. Conclusion: how can sinners be made virtuous?
A. All of us fall far short of the standard of virtue set in Scripture.
B. Ourdisobedience deserves God s curse. v. 3, 6-8, 10-12, 14, 22-23, 28, 40 Rom. 6:23
Ex. 21:23-25
C. Through Jesus Christ you can be transformed into the virtuous man (or woman).
1. He is the only man who has perfectly kept God s law. I Pet. 2:22
2. He bore the curse of our guilt. Gal. 3:13 II Cor. 5:21
3. Those who trust Him are forgiven and cleansed of sin.
4. By His power we are transformed day by day into His virtuous image. Col. 3:10
5. WhenHe returns we will fully reflect His virtue. 19:25-27 I John 3:2
250

I. Introduction and review.
Walk in Love. Eph. 4:29-5:2
II. Replacedestructive speech with conversation which builds othersup. 4:29-30
A. Put off toxic words. v. 29a
1. Speech is important. James 3:1-12 Matt. 15:18
2. Do you engage in rotten speech? I Cor. 15:33
a. Foul language, profanity, dirty jokes.
b. Hurtful words: disrespectful, argumentative, cutting, backbiting,
rudeness.
c. Wasted words. Prov. 10:19 29:20 17:28 Matt. 12:36 Ps. 141:3
James 1:19
d. How can you appear wise? Prov. 17:28 11:12
B. Put on appropriate edifying speech. v. 29b Luke 4
1. Build others up with your tongue. 5:19-20 Phil. 4:8 Col. 4:6
2. Meet needs by ministering grace through what you say. Prov. 25:11 Heb. 10:24
C. Thereby you will not grieve the Holy Spirit! v. 30 Isa. 63:10
1. How is the Holy Spirit affected by your sin? Rom. 8:9 I Cor. 6:19-20
2. Paul gives ayou a powerful incentive to control your tongue.
III. Replacemurderous hatred with Christlike love. 4:31-32
A. Put off hateful behavior. v. 31
1. Bitterness. (suppression) Lev. 19:17-18 Heb. 12:14-15
2. Wrath. (ventilation) Prov. 29:11 I Cor. 13:5
3. Anger. (More suppression) Prov. 14:29 James 1:19-20 Matt. 5:21-22
4. Clamor: Violent verbal outbursts (more ventilation)
5. Slander. Either:
a. Keep quiet by overlooking sin in love. IPet. 4:8
b. Privately confront your brother in love. Matt. 18:15 Luke 17:3
6. Malice (including vindictiveness) Rom. 12:17-21
B. Put on love. v. 32a 5:2
1. Be kind to one another.
2. Be tender-hearted. I Pet. 3:8 Rom. 12:15
3. Forgiving each other. Luke 17:3 Matt. 18:21-22
a. Forgiveness is a lost art in our society.
b. People will sin against you.
c. No believerhas the right to withhold forgiveness from a brother.
Matt. 18:21-22
d. Forgiveness is granted, not felt (Adams).
e. Forgiveness is a promise not raise the issue again to the offender, to
others, or oneself(Adams).
f. What if the other person will not seek your forgiveness?
251

IV. The love of Christ provides the motive and the model for your love. 4:32-5:2
A. The motive - we are to forgive because we are forgiven. 4:32b 5:2
1. The only way a holy God could forgive us is in Christ. 4:32b 5:2 I John 3:16
a. He voluntarily gave Himself up. 5:25-27 John 10:11,15 12:27 15:13
b. He died for us (substitution). II Cor. 5:21 I Pet. 3:18 2:24 Isa. 53:6,12
c. His death was an offering and a sacrifice to God. (Penal) Rom. 3:25-26 5:9-10
Isa. 53:10 Lev. 1:1-17
d. His work was a fragrant aroma to God. (Satisfaction) Gen. 8:1-2 Ex. 29:18
2. Having experienced His love, you are compelled to forgive. Matt. 18:23-35
a. You owed a crushing debt.
b. If you refuse to forgive, you have not yet experienced His forgiveness.
c. The measure of your understanding of God's love is the degree to which
You manifest it.
B. The model - imitate God's love in Christ. 5:1 4:24 Matt. 5:48 Phil. 2:5-8
1. You are able to imitate God, because you are His child. 5:1 1:5 2:19
2. Love and forgive as you have been loved and forgiven in Christ. v. 32b
Matt. 18:21-35 Phil. 2:5-8 I Pet. 2:21 4:8 Ps. 103:12
a. Free.
b. Full.
c. Forgetful. Ps. 103:12
V. Conclusion and application.
A. Theology and practice (doctrine and love) are inseparable.
B. The balance between law and grace.
C. The Gospel delivers you from the practice of sin.
252

I. Introduction.
Which Schoolfor Your Children?
II. Education is a parental responsibility. Deut. 6:4-9 4:9-10 Ps. 78:5-6
A. The primary place of child training is the home. Prov. 6:20-23 1:8 2:1 3:1 4:1,20
1. All education has a religious and moral viewpoint. There is no such thing as
secular/neutral education. II Co. 10:5
2. Children need to understand all of reality from the perspective of Scripture.
3. You are to prepare your children to live as God's people in the world.
4. You cannot delegate the education of your children to anyone else.
5. You are responsible for the influences under which you place your child.
You cannot completely shield your child from the world.
6. Each family must decide what outside help to accept.
7. Guard your sphere jealously!
8. Make your family the primary influence in your child s life.
B. Instruct your children. Deut. 6:4-9,20-25
1. Parents are the most important teachers children will have.
2. The Word must first be on your heart! Deut. 6:4-6
3. Train them through formal teaching. Deut. 6:7 II Tim. 3:15
4. Train your children through informal instruction. Deut. 6:9, 20-25
5. Evangelize your children. Dt. 6:20-25
6. Prepare them for adult life.
7. Strive to build an intimate relationship with your children. Listen!
8. Your relationship with your children will change asthey get older.
C. Your goalin educating your child:
1. Is not merely to control behavior (or to teach facts) but to mold character so
that they will make the right choices on their own.
2. Is not primarily to make them wealthy and smart, but to make them wise so
that they are prepared to take on the responsibilities of adult life.
3. Such a child will bring you delight. Pr. 10:1 23:24-25 17:21,25
D. Regardless of what methods you use, you are totally dependent upon the grace of God
for the outcome. Genesis 4
III. Some Christians use government schools
A. Problems with government schools
1. The system is generally humanistic and anti-Christian. Ro. 12:2 Ps. 10:4
a. They don t understand the nature of your children. Pr. 22:15,6 29:15
b. They don t understand the nature of education. Luke 2:52
c. They seek to supplant the family as the primary influence in a child s
training.
2. Physical danger: crime, threats, bullying.
3. Spiritual danger: world view. Col. 2:8 Ps. 10:4 II Co. 10:5 6:14-19 Psalm 1
4. Mental danger: the quality of education.
5. Moral danger: the peers. ICo. 15:33 Pr. 13:20 12:26 1:10ff 22:24-25 23:20
16:29 28:7 7:1ff Gen. 34:1 II Co. 6:14ff
6. Government schoolsunjustly use taxes to promote false religious ideas.
253

B. Why do some Christians choose to use government schools?
1. Superiorresources.
2. Financial hardship precludes private school.
3. No parent is available for home school.
4. Some public schools are better than others.
5. Many Christians are involved in charter schools.
6. Some participate in home study programs under the supervision of the
public schools.
7. Some use public schools to supplement home study.
8. Some Christian parents seek to have an impact on our culture through
involvement in the government schools.
9. Invalid reasons
a. Sending our children out as missionaries in the public schools.
b. Conformity to the norm. Ro. 12:1-2
C. If you are going to put your kids in public schools:
1. Be prepared to invest a lot of time going over their work with them and
helping them to evaluate what they have been taught from a biblical
perspective.
2. Be prepared to take strong action if they are being caught up in worldliness
and peerpressure.
3. Help yourchildren to choose wise friends. Pr. 17:17 27:9, 5-6, 17
IV. Some Christians use private schools
A. Why would Christians choose to use private schools?
1. Quality education.
2. Safer morally and physically.
3. Support their church school.
4. Expectation of spiritual training.
5. An invalid reason: Some parents mistakenly think that they are providing
for the spiritual training of their children by putting them into a private
school and don t take responsibility at home.
B. Problems with private schools:
1. Many private schools can have similar peer problems to public schools.
2. Just because a school claims to be Christian does not mean that it is
distinctively Christ-centered in its academic and disciplinary standards. Col.
1:16-17 2:3
3. Private schools are very expensive.
4. Private schools can be hard to get into.
5. Some parents try to delegate their responsibility over to the school.
C. If you choose to use a private school:
1. Don t assume that your children are free from peer pressure or questionable
teaching.
2. Continue to make the family the primary place of spiritual training.
254

V. Some Christians home school
A. Why do Christians home school?
1. Family is the primary peer group. Pr. 1:8ff 13:20
2. Individualized attention.
3. Academic success.
4. Shield from peer pressure.
5. Shelter from evil influence.
6. Invalid reasons:
a. It will make my children Christians.
b. Take the lazy way out.
c. It scheaper than private school.
d. Everyone in my church does it.
B. Problems with home schooling:
1. It can be expensive.
2. Parents fear non-conformity.
3. Often kids don t perform as well for their parents as they would for an
outsider.
4. Parents fear that they will fail because they are not professionally trained
teachers.
5. Some kids(especially high school girls) miss the social life.
6. Lack of many of the opportunities of traditional schools: band, sports, etc.
7. Some parents shelter their children too much.
8. Some parents don t do an adequate job of preparing their children
academically.
9. Home schooling becomes more challenging as the child gets older.
10. Fear of legal problems with the public schools or CPS.
11. Fear of trouble getting into the best colleges.
12. Fear that the child won t be prepared for college.
C. If you choose to home school:
1. Be prepared to make a major commitment.
a. Home schooling is not for the self-centered!
b. Be prepared to spend money.
2. Maintain academic standards above the government schools.
3. Be prepared to make extra efforts to keep your children busy doing good
things.
4. Fathers must be involved.
VI. Conclusion
A. Don t look down on parentswho have made other choices. Each of you will give
account before God. Ro. 14:4 15:7
B. Train your children at home: Family worship. Time together.
C. Parenting is a huge commitment no matter which way you go.
255

256

The Wise Woman. Proverbs 31
I. Introduction and Review: Which women are worthy of honor?
A. The symbolic significance: The virtuous woman represents wisdom personified.
She is the climax of Proverbs teaching about wisdom. 1:20-33 8:1-36 9:1-6
B. The practical significance. Wisdom in the home.
1. This is the kind of wife a man must choose if he is going to succeed in life. 12:4
2. This is the ideal to which women are to aspire.
3. The virtuous woman does far more than cook, clean, and have babies.
C. The redemptive significance.
1. Excellent character isthe fruit of fearing God. v. 30
2. Ourvirtue is found in Christ. Unattainable ideal: He is our wisdom.
II. Search for (become) a woman of excellence. v. 1-5, 10-12.
A. The wrong kind of woman willruin you. v. 1-5
1. Listen to your mother! v. 1-2 1:8 6:20
2. The femme fatale, like strong drink, will drain away your strength. v. 3
3. She cannot be trusted. v. 11a
a. She will seduce you to be unfaithful to your marriage vows. 7:21-22
b. She willbe unfaithful to you. 2:17 30:20
c. She will tear down your home. 14:1 7:11
d. She willbankrupt you financially. 6:31
4. The evil woman will harm you. She is a liability. v. 11b-12
a. She will ruin your reputation. 6:33
b. She willdistract you from your calling.
c. She will wear you out. 19:13 25:24 21:19 27:15-16
5. There are many examples of such women in the Bible. I Kings 11:1ff
6. Sadly, even believing women have been a detriment to their husbands.
B. The excellent wife will contribute to your success. v. 10-12, 23
1. She is a strong (valiant) woman who will strengthen you. v. 10a, 3
2. Such a wife is rare and valuable: a gift from God. v. 10b 18:22 19:14
3. She is trustworthy. v. 11a
a. You can trust her faithfulness to your marriage vows.
b. You can trust her with your name (reputation).
c. You can trust her with your money.
d. You can trust her with your children and your household.
4. She does you good: She is an asset. v. 11b-12 Gen. 2:18
5. She willenhance yourstanding in the community. v. 23 12:4
C. The secret of hersuccess: She is able to do this because she fears God. v. 30b 1:7
1. As a result of the Fall, virtue does not come naturally. Genesis 3:16b
2. By turning to God in repentance and faith, sin is forgiven and a new nature is received.
Hervirtue isnot her own, it is Christ s.
3. Herservice to her husband is based not upon his merits but Christ s. Je. 17:5-8
III. An excellent wife (you) will help you (your husband) in many ways. v.13-27
A. She is home centered.
1. Her priority in life is to be a helper to her husband. v. 12 Titus 2:4-5 Ge. 2:18
2. She has a servant s heart. Mt. 20:25-28 Mark 10:45
257

B. She is diligent in her domestic duties.
1. She uses her time effectively. v. 15a, 18b, 27b, 13b 6:9-11 Col. 3:17,23
2. She possesses physical strength for her tasks. v. 17
3. She obtains and prepares good food for her family. v. 14,15b
4. She makes sure that her family is well clothed. v. 13, 19, 21-22
C. She brings beauty and quality into her home. v. 14, 21-22
1. She goes beyond the minimum and the functional in dress, food preparation, and home
decoration.
2. She takes care of her own outward appearance. v. 22 5:15ff I Ti. 2:9-10
D. She is a responsible administrator.
1. She earns money in cottage industries. v. 16,24
2. She plans ahead. v. 21,25b 6:6-8 30:25
3. She manages the household well. v. 15,27a
4. She is willing and able to help those in need. v. 20, 9 Acts 9:36-39 I Tim. 5:10
5. Herhusband delegates many responsibilities to her. v. 11
E. She is wise in her speech. v. 26
1. She doesn t get her husband into trouble by saying foolish things. 18:7 20:19
2. Nordoes she nag him. 21:9 27:15 IPet. 3:1ff
3. She edifiesherhusband (and others) with her kind words. 15:4 Eph. 4:29
4. She is a teacher. 31:1 1:8 II Tim. 1:5 Titus 2:3-5
IV. Your excellent wife (you) will be richly rewarded. v. 28-31
A. Herglory isin the home. v. 28-29
1. Herchildren respect and bless her. v. 28a. I Tim. 2:15 5:4,8 Mt. 15:1-6
2. Herhusband appreciates her worth. v. 28b-29
B. She has lasting and unfading beauty. v. 30
1. The world still measures worth by outward charm and beauty. v. 30a 11:22 6:25
2. A godly woman will become more beautiful as the years go by.
C. God willreward her. v. 31 Heb. 6:10.
V. Concluding applications.
A. Seekthe wisdom and the virtue personified in the excellent wife.
B. Are you dissatisfied with your own virtue? Good!
Christ is all our virtue. We stand in His excellence, not ourown. I Co. 1:30
Discussion Questions for Family Worship
1. What is the symbolic meaning of the virtuous woman in Proverbs?
2. How does the wrong kind of woman harm a man? v. 3
3. How does a virtuous woman help herhusband? v. 11-12,23
4. How can ahusband show that he trusts his wife? v. 11a
5. What is the secret of the excellent wife s success? v. 30
6. What is the focus of the excellent wife s activity? v. 12-27 Gen. 2:18
7. What things does she do to make the home a pleasant place? v. 13-27
8. How should children treat their mothers? v. 28a
9. How should husbands treat theirwives? v. 28b
10. What kind of woman should a man seek for a wife? v. 10,30
11. What ideal should our ladies strive to attain? v. 10,30
12. From where do we get our virtue? I Cor. 1:30 Phil. 3:9
258

Part V: Homework

Anger Hot Button List
Adapted from Lou Priolo, Complete Husband, p.115-116
Name _______________ Date ____________
It is our responsibility to not become bitter and angry towards other people. Let s see if we can identify
exactly what it is that provokes you to anger.
1. Place a check next to the items below that push your hot button. As you look at these items, ask
yourself what it is that you want most from other people around you, and what it is that provokes an angry
response in you when you don t get it.
To be more respectful to me To not challenge my decisions
To support my decisions more To spend less time on the phone
To not be so bossy with me To not be so worldly
To be more trusting of me To be more involved in church
To not be a people-pleaser To not disagree with me in the presence of others
To be more discreet To not expect me to read their mind
To be more affectionate To not be so serious
To better control their temper To better control their tongue
To be less perfectionistic To not be anxious
To take better care of their appearance To not forget important things that I tell them
To be more attentive to me To not have unrealistic expectations
To be more of a giver/less of a taker To be more godly
To be more patient with me To be less critical
To be more self-disciplined To be more forgiving
To be more gracious To understand the pressures of my job
To ask for my opinion more To try harder to please me
To better prioritize their spiritual life To follow my instructions more carefully
To be more punctual To be less career-oriented
To not have to have the last word To not waste so much time
To be more grateful To take more interest in my friends or leisure activities
To not be so moody or temperamental To be closer to me than anyone else
To verbally express more love for me To admit when they re wrong
2. Now that you ve identified your hot buttons (your idolatrous desires) you must work on dethroning
your idols. You must prayerfully and actively replace those inordinate desires with desires that are in
accordance with pleasing and glorifying God, rather than pleasing and glorifying yourself. You must learn
to change the way you think about your desires and the extent to which you think the people around you
must meet them.
Rather than thinking, This person is a (insert your favorite word) for not giving me what I want, you
must learn to think, Having a person in my life who doesn t (insert your inordinate desire), is not the
worst thing in the world. I must learn to love the Lord and to love them more than I love my . . . (insert
your inordinate desire).
259

260

Are You a Fool?
Rate yourself on the following characteristics. Are you more like a wise person or a fool?
1. Submissive to authority. 1 2 3 4 5 Rebellious.
2. Patient. 1 2 3 4 5 Hot-tempered.
3. Selfless. 1 2 3 4 5 Selfish.
4. Apeacemaker. 1 2 3 4 5 Divisive.
5. Diligent. 1 2 3 4 5 Lazy.
6. Has wise friends. 1 2 3 4 5 Hangs out with fools.
7. Alearner. 1 2 3 4 5 Doesn tchange.
8. Self-controlled. 1 2 3 4 5 Undisciplined.
9. Builds up others. 1 2 3 4 5 Spreads slander.
10. Loves discipline. 1 2 3 4 5 Hates correction.
11. Realistic and hard working. 1 2 3 4 5 Daydreamer.
12. Listens to advice. 1 2 3 4 5 Always thinks he/she is right.
13. Overlooks insults. 1 2 3 4 5 Easily annoyed.
14. Seeks forgiveness and provides
restitution.
1 2 3 4 5 Doesn task forgiveness or
make restitution.
15. Thoughtful. Coolheaded. 1 2 3 4 5 Hothead. Reckless.
16. Respects parents. 1 2 3 4 5 Despises parents.
17. Puts others interests first. 1 2 3 4 5 Opinionated.
18. Takes responsibility for sin. 1 2 3 4 5 Blames God and others.
19. Saves for the future. 1 2 3 4 5 Spendthrift.
261

Biblical Process of Change
Eph 4:22-24 Col 3:1-17
God s
People
Bible
Motives
Thoughts
Feelings
Thoughts
Motives
+ Holy Spirit
Choices
262
Feelings
Feelings
Choices
Feelings
Christlike Fruit
Fleshly Deeds

Built to Last!
The Greatest Risk You ll Ever Take
MARRIAGEHOMEWORK
If you are married, Iwant you to plan aquiet dinner alone this week with just your mate.
In preparation for this meeting each of you should individually write out your answers to
the questions below. After dinner, set aside time to discuss your answers. Be ready to
come together to talk about it, not to beat each other up, or to fix blame but grow your
marriage for God sglory. Come together in aspirit of reconciliation and teamwork of
Let smake this thingwork! Outofobedience to God tell the truthbutdon texaggerate
(Eph.4:15).
1. In specific terms,what do you expect outofmarriage?
2. In specific terms,list 10 things youhavedone to make yourmarriage asuccess.
3. In specific terms,list10 ways you have been at fault in yourmarriage.
4. In specific terms,list 10 ways you maychange to make yourmarriage abetter
marriage.
5. In specific terms,write out what you would ask Jesus Christ to change about your
marriage if you were assured He would workamiracle and do it.
6. Honestlyevaluate the changes you wouldlike to see in your mate. Are theyreally
important? Do you have biblical grounds for desiring these changes? Are they
for the good of your mate or just because you want them? Are you really
concerned about your mate or just having your own way and making it easy on
yourself?
7. Consider Philippians 2:3, 4and Ephesians 4:1-3 and write out10 specific ways in
which you maydemonstrate to yourmate that you thinkhe/she is reallyimportant
and thatyou are sincerelyinterested in the things thatinteresthim/her.
263

only
Business Travel Plan for
Avoiding Sexual Temptation
264

A Checklist of Ways Parents Provoke Their Children
to Anger
(from Heart of Anger, by Lou Priolo)
1. Lack of marital harmony
circle each statement that occurs in your home
2. Establishing/maintaining a child-centered home
3. Modeling sinful anger
4. Consistently disciplining in anger
5. Scolding
6. Being inconsistent with discipline
7. Having double standards
8. Being legalistic (Making man-made rules equal to God s law, or a test of spirituality)
9. Not admitting when you are wrong
10. Constantly finding fault
11. Parents reversing God given roles
12. Not listening to the child s opinion or side of the story
13. Comparing children to others
14. Not having time to talk
15. Not praising the child
16. Failing to keep promises
17. Chastising him in front of others
18. Giving too much freedom
19. Not giving enough freedom
20. Making fun of the child
21. Abusing them physically
22. Calling them names
23. Having unrealistic expectations
24. Showing favoritism toward one child over another
25. Employing child-training methodologies that are inconsistent with God sWord
265

Child-Centeredor God-Centered Home?
For each numbered pair of statements, please indicate which one best describes your family
situation, using a 1-5 scale.
1. Interrupts adults when they are
talking.
2. Use manipulation and rebellion to
get their way.
1 2 3 4 5 Not to interrupt parents when they
are talking.
1 2 3 4 5 Understand they will not always
get their way.
3. Dictate family schedule. 1 2 3 4 5 Work their schedule around their
parents schedule.
4. Take precedence over the needs of
the spouse.
5. Have an equal or overriding vote
in all decision making matters.
6. Demand excessive time and
attention from parents to the
detriment of the other biblical
responsibilities of the parents.
7. Escape the consequences of their
sinful and irresponsible behavior.
8. Speak to parents as though they
were peers.
9. Be the dominant influence in the
home.
10. Be entertained & coddled out of
bad mood.
1 2 3 4 5 Cheerfully obey and serve the
needs of others.
1 2 3 4 5 Have input into family decisions
but not necessarily an equal vote.
1 2 3 4 5 Understand that God has given
their parents other responsibilities
in addition to meeting their needs.
1 2 3 4 5 Suffer the natural consequences of
their sinful and irresponsible
behavior.
1 2 3 4 5 Honor parents as spiritual
authorities.
1 2 3 4 5 Esteem others as more important
than themselves.
1 2 3 4 5 Be disciplined out of a bad mood.
266

Christ-Centered or Child Centered ?
Child-CenteredHome Christ-Centered Home
Where children learnto:
Interruptadults talking
Use manipulation andrebellion toget
their way
Dictatethe familyschedule
Takeprecedenceoverspouse sneeds
Have equaloroverriding vote
Demandexcessivetime or attention
Escapethe consequencesof sinfuland
irresponsible behavior
Speakto parents asthough peers
Be thedominant influence inthe home
Beentertained or coddled out of abad
mood
Thechild perceives that theentire
familyexiststoplease him and make
himhappy.
Wherechildrenlearnto:
(TheHeartofAnger, Lou Priolo)
267
Knowthejoyof servingothers
Cheerfullyobeythe first time
Not interruptparents
Not manipulate others
Knowthat theywill not always get
their way
Worktheirschedulearound their
parents schedule
Have input intodecisionsbutnot
anequal vote
Understand parentshaveother
God-givenresponsibilities
Suffer naturalconsequences for
sinfuland irresponsiblebehavior
Honor parents as authorities
Esteemothers more importantthan
selves
Fulfill householdduties (chores)
Protect themselves from bad
influences
Not divideparentson disciplinary
issues
Not be more intimate witheither
parent,than the parentsare with
eachother
Thechild perceives thatthe
husband is thehead ofthefamily
andthe wife is submissivetoher
husband. Theirs istheprimary
relationship.

1. Praise a lot.
Child Rearing
The child that ispraised as well as corrected consistently can tell the difference between
right and wrong. Romans 13:7.
2. Play a lot.
While we as adults must be firm, life has manyproblems and they need to see us work
and play, laughand be serious, taking enough personal interest to play their games with
them. Proverbs 17:22.
3. Pray a lot.
We need God s help. Talk to Him much about them. James 1:5.
4. Teach a lot.
Ephesians 6:4: Admonition = putting into the mind;building inner convictions.
5. Cause and effect a lot (for correction).
This is the most natural way of learning that actions have results. Galatians 6:7.
6. When you spank, do it
lovingly, slowly, prayerfully, and thoroughly so you do not do it often.
7.Be an example.
268

I. Introduction.
Communication: Discussion Questions
A. What is the biblical basis for intimate communication in marriage? Gen. 2:24-25
B. How do men and women differ in communication needs?
C. How do men and women differ in styles of communication?
D. By what means do we communicate? Pr. 6:13
II. What are some communication killers? Pr. 18:13,2 10:18,11 11:13 29:20,22 27:2 17:20
12:18-19 15:1,28 16:21,23-24 25:24 26:18-19 18:8 16:28 Ecc. 5:2 Js. 1:19 3:5-8
Eph. 4:25,29,31 Mt. 5:21-22,33-36 I Co. 13:5
A.
B.
C.
D.
E.
F.
G.
H.
I.
J. Do you ever say things you don t really mean? Mt. 12:34 Pr. 15:2,28
III. What are some positive biblical principles for communication?
A. Upon whose needs should you focus? Phil. 2:3-4 Rom. 15:2
B. Which is more important--listening or speaking? Js. 1:19 I Pe. 3:7 Pr. 13:3 10:19
1. Is it possible to listen without really listening? Mt. 13:13
2. How can you become a better listener? Pr. 20:5
269

C. How can you learn to speak the truth in love?
1. Is total honesty always called for? Eph. 4:29 Pr. 18:2 10:19 13:3 21:21
2. How can you communicate on a deeper level?
3. How can you build others up through your speech? Eph. 4:29 Pr. 16:21,24 10:11,21
31:26 14:25 15:7 17:30 27:5
4. Do you know what style of communication best reaches your spouse?
5. Does timing matter? Pr. 27:14 25:11,20 15:23
6. Does mannerof speech matter? Pr. 15:1 25:15
IV. Practical ways to improve your communication.
A. A communication exercise. Phil. 2:3-4
1. First the husband explains the wife s point of view.
2. Then the wife explains her husband s perspective.
3. Then the wife gently fills in what the husband missed.
4. Then the husband gently fills in what the wife missed.
B. Set regulartimes in which you will give your undivided attention to each other.
1. Daily debriefing.
2. Date night.
3. Get-aways.
C. Pray together.
D. Set goals together.
E. Have fun together.
V. Conclusion:
A. The key is your heart. Mt. 12:34-35
B. God speaks to us. Heb. 1:1ff
270

COMMUNICATION GUIDELINES
(ThesecommunicationguidelineswereprovidedbyTimothyKeller.)
Proverbs18:21;25:11;Job19:2;James 3:8-10;IPeter 3:10;Ephesians4:25-32
Thinkabouttheguidelinesand studythe supporting Scriptureverses.Rate yourselfon eachof these items:
Excellent (3),Good(2),Fair(1),Poor (0).
1. Be a ready listener anddonot answeruntilthe otherpersonhasfinishedtalking(Prov.18:13;
James1:19).___
2. Be slow to speak. Thinkfirst.Don'tbehastyin your words. Speakinsuchawaythattheother
personcanunderstandandacceptwhat you say (Prov.15:23,28;29:20; James 1:19).___
3. Don't go to bed angry! Eachdaycleartheoffenses ofthatday.Speak thetruthalways,butdoit
in love.Donot exaggerate(Eph.4:15,25;Col.3:8; Matt.6:34).___
4. Do not use silence to frustrate the other person. Explain why youarehesitant totalkatthis
time (Prov. 15:28;16:21,23;10:1-9;18:2; Col.4:6;Prov.20:15).___
5. Do not become involved in quarrels. It is possibleto disagree without quarreling (Prov.17:14;
20:3;Rom.13:13; Eph.4:31).__
6. Do not respond in uncontrolled anger. Useasoftandkind responseandtoneofvoice (Prov.
14:29;15:1;25:15;29:11;Eph.4:26,31).___
7. When you are in the wrong, admit it and ask for forgiveness andaskhowyou canchange
(James5:16;Prov.12:15;16:2;21:2,29;20:6; Matt.5:23-25; Luke17:3).___
8. When someone confesses to you, tell him/her you forgive him/her. Besure it is forgivenandnot
broughtup totheperson,toothers,or to yourself! (Prov.17:9;Eph.4:32; Col.3:13; IPet. 4:8).
9. Avoidnagging (Prov. 10:19; 17:9; 16:21, 23; 18:6, 7; 27:15; 21:19). ___
10.Donotblameor criticizethe otherperson. Instead, restore . . . encourage ...edify (Rom.
14:13; Gal. 6:1;IThess. 5:11).
11. If someoneverballyattacks,criticizes,orblames you,do not respondinthesame manner
(Rom. 12:17, 21;IPet. 2:23; 3:9).
12. Trytounderstandtheotherperson'sopinion. Make allowances for differences (Prov. 18:2, 13,
15; Phil. 3:15, 16). ___
13. Beconcerned about theinterests ofothers (Phil: 2:3; Eph. 4:2; Rom. 12:15).___
Reflect on the 13 guidelines for communication above and:
List the items that you most need to work on changing.
Write down two specific actions you can take to improve these items.
Share these with your mate and ask for help in changing. Get other suggestions
concerning how you can improve these items. If you do not have a mate, share with a close
Christian friend.
271

Computer Purity Covenant
Iwill neveropenanyprogram forsexual stimulation.
1Corinthians 6:13b Yet the body is not for immorality, but for the Lord; and the Lord is for the
body
2Timothy 2:22 "Flee youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace withthose who
callontheLordout ofapure heart."
Iwill neverpurchase ordownloadanythingpornographic.
Eph. 5:5 For this you know with certainty, that no immoral or impure person or covetous man,
who isanidolater,has aninheritance inthe kingdom ofChrist and God.
Ps. 101:3 Iwill set no worthlessthingbefore myeyes
Iwill guardmyeyesandabstainandavoidalwaysanystimulatingmaterialofanytype.
Ps. 39:1a Iwillguardmyways
Matt. 6:22-23 The lamp of the body is the eye; if therefore your eye is clear, your whole body
will be full of light. But if youreye is bad, your whole bodywill be full of darkness. Iftherefore,
the light that isinyouis darkness, how greatisthe darkness!
Job 31:1 "I have made acovenant withmyeyes; whythen should Ilookuponayoungwoman?"
Iwill not participate inchatrooms.
Matt. 12:36-37a And Isay to you, that every careless word that men shall speak, they shall
renderaccount forit inthe dayofjudgement. Forbyyourwords youshall be justified
Iwill not cultivateanyemotionallyintimate one-on-one relationshipotherthanwithmyspouse.
Ex.20:14 You shall not commit adultery ; Ex. 20:17b youshall not covet yourneighbor swife
Prov. 5:15-20 "Drink water from your own cistern, and running water from your own well...
rejoice withthe wife of youryouth. Asaloving deerandagraceful doe, let herbreastssatisfy you
atall times; andalwaysbe enraptured withherlove."
Iwill not replace the risk of personal relationships with the impersonal safety of my computer. Iwill
not retreat to it and out of life. Iwill limit my time to use the computer only for work and will avoid
all recreational activities.
Matt. 22:37-39 "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and
withall yourmind... andthe youshall love yourneighborasyourself."
272

Our first priorities are relationships! Not things. Working on our relationship with God and other people
shouldtake precedent overtime onthecomputer.
Iwill spend my constructive creative energy not in the unreality of virtual reality but in the reality of
the realworld.
Iwill never use the internet to satisfy my own selfish, self centered desires wanting to stimulate my
fleshly passions.
Romans 13:14 "But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill
itslusts."
When doing research on the internet Iwill work only to find the information needed and get off, no
idle surfing.
Iwill strictly limit my experimental time on the computer and devote myself more to truth than to
technique.
John 8:32 "You shall knowthe truthandthe truthshall setyou free"
Ihave implemented asoftware blocking system on my computer and have given controlling access to
myaccountabilitypartner. Iwill nevertrytooverride this systemorbypass it inanyway.
Eccles. 4:9-10 "Two are better than one, because they have agood reward for their labor, for if
theyfall,one will lift up hiscompanion. But woe tohim who is alone whenhe falls, for he has no
one tohelphim up."
Matt. 5:29-30 "If your right eye causes you to sin pluck it out... if your right hand causes you to
sin cutit off."
I__________________________ on this day ________________ , 20___
(sign your name)
pledge by God sgrace at work in me to fight to honor this vow
before God and men.
273

Conference Table Guidelines
Place
Agree upon an area in which daily conferences may be held without interruption. Choosea
table, preferably one that is not used frequently for other purposes. Hold all conferences
there. If problems arise elsewhere, when possible, wait until you reach home to discuss
them at the conference table, of course. The first week read Ephesians 4:17-32 each night
before meeting.
Place ___________________________________________________
Time ___________________________________________________
Purpose
The conference table is a place to confer, not to argue. Begin by talking about yourself
your sins and failures and settle all such matters first by asking forgiveness. Ask also for
help (cf. Matthew 7:4-5).
Speak all the truth in love. Do not allow any concern to be carried over into the next day.
Not all problems can be solved at one sitting. You may find it necessary to make up an
agenda and schedule out the work over a period of time according to priorities. Direct all
your energies toward defeating the problem, not toward the other person. Your goal is to
reach biblical solutions to the problems presented, so always have Bibles on the table and
use them. It helps to record the results of your work on paper. Open and close all
conferences with prayer. When you need help, reread Ephesians 4:25-32.
Procedures
If either party argues, clams up or does anything other than confer at the table, the
others must rise and stand quietly. This prearranged signal means, In my opinion we ve
stopped conferring. Whether he was right or wrong in this judgment does not matter and
ought not to be discussed at the moment. The person seated should then indicate this
willingness to confer, and invite others to be seated again.
274

Conflict Resolution Questions
I. Introduction. Eph. 4:25-32
A. What is the root cause of conflict? Gen. 3:10,12 James 4:1-2
B. What are two typical (and sinful) reactions to conflict? Rom. 12:17-21 Mt. 5:21-22
Prov. 11:9 12:18 16:28 Lev. 19:16 Eph. 4:26b I Sam. 2:22-25 I Cor. 6:1-8
1.
2.
C. Why is it important to deal with conflict? Heb. 12:14-15 Eph. 4:26-27 Amos 3:3
D. What is good about conflict? I Cor. 10:31 Rom. 8:28-29 12:14,20
II. Pursue peace. Mt. 5:9 Rom. 12:18
A. How do some stirup strife? Pr. 6:19 26:21 18:21 10:19 Eph. 4:29 Js. 1:19 3:1ff
B. What offenses should be overlooked? I Pe. 4:8 Pr. 10:12 19:11 29:11,20,22
C. How far should you be willing to go to pursue peace? I Cor. 6:7
D. Can peace be bought at too high a price? Gal. 1:9 2:11ff
E. Are there situations in which it is impossible to make peace? Rom. 12:18 I Co. 7:15
III. Get the beam out of your own eye. Mt. 7:3-5 Pr. 28:13
A. Why are you so upset (angry)? Js. 4:1-2 Upon whose rights are you focusing?
B. How can you learn to control your anger? Pr. 29:11,20,22 25:28 15:1 17:14 Ro. 12:17-21
Js. 1:19-20 Eph. 4:26-27 What is righteous anger?
C. How does conflict affect (and reflect upon) your relationship with God? I Pe. 3:7 Mt.
5:23-24
D. Why must you seek forgiveness? Mt. 5:23-24 Mt. 7:5
E. How should forgiveness be sought? The 7 A s of Confession. II Co. 7:10-11
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
275

IV. Be willing to forgive.
A. Why must you forgive others? Mt. 6:12,14 18:21-35 Eph. 4:32
B. In what sense is forgiving forgetting? Jer. 31:34
C. What promises do you make when you forgive? I Cor. 13:5
1.
2.
3.
4.
D. What if you don t feel like forgiving?
V. How do you confront sin biblically?
A. Why must you confront sin? Rom. 15:14 Gal. 6:1-2
B. Which sins must you confront? I Cor. 5:1,11 Js. 5:19-20 Mt. 18:15 Eph. 4:26-27
C. Where should you begin in confronting sin?
1. Who should be involved? Mt. 18:15
2. How should you approach the offender? Gal. 6:1-2
D. What should you do if the other person will not repent? Mt. 18:16-17 Dt. 19:15 Phil.
4:1-2
1. Is a wife being unsubmissive if she confronts her husband s sin?
2. How are these principles to be applied in dealing with unbelievers?
3. What would you say to someone who doesn t want to confront sin for fear of driving
the person away from the marriage or the church? Pr. 3:5-6
4. Are there cases in which a person is guilty, but you will not be able to prove it?
5. In what situations is mediation or binding arbitration appropriate? I Co. 6:5
E. What should be done if the offending party will not listen? Mt. 18:17-20
VI. The PAUSE principle in peacemaking.
A. P I Co. 4:13
B. A I Cor. 13:7
C. U Phil. 2:3-4 Pr. 20:5 Js. 1:19 I Pe. 3:7
D. S Dan. 1 Ecc. 9:16
E. E
276

VII. Concluding applications.
A. How often will you have to apply these principles in your family?
B. Christ has made peace for us.
C. Peace is not merely the absence of conflict.
277

Counselor s Checklist
1. Determine whether evangelism is indicated.
2. Sortout responsibilities.
3. Gatherconcrete data.
4. Stress what rather than why for data.
5. Distinguishpresentation,performance,and preconditioningproblems.
6. Talknot onlyabout problems,butalso about God ssolutions.
7. Check motivation (ultimately it mustbe lovingobediencenotonlybecause
God says so).
8. Insiston obedienceto God regardlessof howone feels.
9. Checkout agendas.
10. Give concretehomeworkat everysession whichincludes Scripturereading
andprayer.
11. Checkon homework.
12. Wouldamedicalcheckupbeadvisable?
13. Don tforget to give hope!
278

Data-Gathering
Questions for Sexual Problems
1. Doyourecall any specific event that may have affected your sex life?
2. Word-association test ~ what do you think of when you hear the word 'sex?'
3. Whatwas your parents' attitude about sex? (mother, father)
4. What did you learn from your parents about sex? Did your parents enjoy sex?
5. Was affection shown freely by your parents to one another? To you and your brothers and sisters?
6. What was your first sexual experience? What was your reaction to it?
7. Were you ever sexually molested or violated? Briefly describe circumstances.
8. What excited you sexually in the past? What excites you sexually now?
9. What stirs up sexual guilt or shame in you now?
279

10. Whatdoes the Bible say about sex? Describe as fully as you can. What are God's purposes for sex?
11. Whatis proper and improper in sexual relations? What would be wrong?
12. Didyouparticipateinpettingon dates? On most dates? With certain individuals? How far did you go? To the point of
manipulatingthe genital area of your partner? Vice versa? Ever to intercourse? How did you react to these experiences?
Guilt? Shame? Were you ever suspected or caught? Punished?
13. Were you ever engaged to be married or seriously involved in other courtships before meeting your present husband or
wife? Why terminated?
14. What attracted you most to your husband/ wife?
15. Are these qualities (reasons / attractions) still present today?
280

16. Whatwere your expectations regarding sex, love-making and intercourse before marriage? Were these expectations
fulfilled at some point within the first year of marriage? If not, describe.
17. Describe your honeymoon. Sexual difficulties? If so, what?
18. How frequently did you have sex during the first month of marriage? Enjoy frequency?
19. Usual frequency now?
20. Who usually initiates relations? Who chooses time?
21. Doyouhave a preference for a time of day and situation for lovemaking? Describe.
22. Doyoutellyour spouse what pleases you and displeases you about sexual intercourse?
23. Doyouhave fun together frequently? Doing what?
281

24. Doyou confide inone another? On a scale of 0-10 where are you?
25. What trait, behavior pattern, or habit does your mate have that tends to diminish your sexual desires toward your mate?
26. Doyoustill find your mate attractive?
27. Whatdoyouwant most in the way of attitude, behavior, etc., that your mate doesn't provide you now?
28. Do you think you are attractive? Were you a pretty child? Were you attractive during courtship? Would you like to
change anything about yourself?
29. Are you attractive to your mate?
30. What are your greatest attributes as a person? To your mate?
31. How do your sexual problems affect your mate (generally and then sexually)?
32. Whatdoyouthink causes you to malfunction sexually?
33. Have you ever functioned satisfactorily?
282

34. Whatis your concept of effective sexually functioning?
35. To what extent were you and your mate involved sexually before marriage? Did you have sexual intercourse? If so, have
you ever repented of this as sin to one another and to God?
36. Have you or your mate had extra-marital sexual activity since marriage? Describe.
37. Doyou enjoy touching and being touched? Do you and your mate use body contact frequently?
38. Wouldyou like your mate to touch you more or less? Give reasons.
39. Do certain words or sounds bring special pleasure to you? Bring displeasure to you?
40. What could you do to more fully please your mate sexually?
283

1. Go to your doctor and get a complete physical to see if there are any organic issues that are driving the
depression (i.e. low blood sugar, thyroid, etc.)
2. Make a list of your God-given responsibilities (as a mother, wife, employee, etc.) Note areas where you are
consistently failing to fulfill your responsibilities. Prioritize the areas and set a goal to begin working on the
#1 item that week. Don t attack everything at once.
3. Establish routine in your life. Write up a schedule for the day and stick to it regardless of how you feel. Get
up at the same time each day, and go to bed at the same time, etc. Don t sleep in late and then stay up late
surfing the net and watching television. When you get up in the morning make the bed as a statement that
you are starting your day and are not going to be getting back in bed later on. Dress and put make up on
each day. Don t slouch around unkempt throughout the day.
4. Use aheart journal to record the day and time that you struggle most with feeling depressed. Brainstorm
to determine what you were thinking or saying to yourself at that moment. Then craft a new biblical
thought that would replace the despairing one(s).
5. Read your Bible every day even if just for 10 minutes. Start with the book of Psalms and read with a
purpose looking for God and His characteristics. Use anotebook to record any characteristics that you see
about God each day in your reading. Take amoment to meditate on how that characteristic of God should
shape your day. In light of that characteristic what should you think today? Bring your notebook with you
to our next meeting.
6. Start memorizing 2Cor. 4:8-9, 16-18 which says, We are hard pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we
are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed Therefore
we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day
by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and
eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not
seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal. Print it on
3x5 card and post it on your bathroom mirror to read over while getting ready for the day. Post it on your
computer or somewhere visible at work. Post it on the dashboard of your car to think about as you drive to
work or as you are running errands.
7. Select some areas in which you can serve. Help in the church office. Help in the nursery. Take ameal to a
shut in or sick person. Get out of your home each week and serve others.
8. Purchase abox of nice cards and everyday write anote of encouragement to someone who has benefited
your life. It could be someone presently (pastor, mother, friend, neighbor) or someone from the past (former
teacher, etc.). Thank them for how they impacted your life.
9. Make of list of 50 things for which you can be thankful. Be specific. Don t list large general categories.
Then go over the list each morning as you read your Bible.
10. Take notes on the Sunday sermon and act on them. Look for ways that week to apply what was taught.
11. Fill your home with uplifting music that points to God or the cross or grace. Eliminate ungodly and
depressing music that glorifies despair and anger.
12. Select a few people to ask to pray for you and invite them to speak truth to you. Ask them to pray for more
than just the alleviation of depression. Ask them to pray some of the glorious scriptural prayers like Eph.
1:18ff and Eph. 3:13ff.
13. Read Ed Welch s booklet The Way Up When You are Down and underline the 10 most important
sentences to you. Bring it with you to our next meeting for discussion.
14. Select three of Welch s practical suggestions from p. 21-23 and put them into practice this week.
284

1. Do I serve simply because it is
expected?
2. Do I serve simply because others
are doing it?
3. Do I have to be persuaded or pled
with in order to serve?
4. Do I have to be told what to do?
5. Do I expect to serve according to
my schedule?
6. Do I serve onlywhenI feel like
serving?
7. Do I begrudge the time I spend
serving and wish I could be
[fishing, watching TV] instead?
8. Do I make statements like, Iwish
I didn t have to do this tonight ?
9. Does God get only leftover time?
10. Does God get only leftover effort?
11. Does God get only leftover
finances?
12. Do I try to make sure others see
what I do sothey llthink that I am
agreat servant?
13. Do I make sure my pastor knows
all that I do?
14. Do I get upset when I am not
thanked for what I do and think
about quitting?
Do I Have a Servant s Heart?
Rate yourself on the following questions.
1 2 3 4 5 Do I serve to show love and
gratitudeto God?
1 2 3 4 5 Do I serve for Jesus sake?
1 2 3 4 5 Do I voluntarily take the servant s
role?
1 2 3 4 5 Do I take initiative in serving?
1 2 3 4 5 Do I Adapt my schedule to meet
others needs?
1 2 3 4 5 Do I serve whether I feel like it or
not?
1 2 3 4 5 Do I have a joyful attitude about
serving?
1 2 3 4 5 Do I thank God for the opportunity
to be like Christ?
1 2 3 4 5 Is service a priority?
1 2 3 4 5 Does service cost me something?
1 2 3 4 5 Do I give sacrificially?
1 2 3 4 5 Am I willing to serve behind the
scenes where no one will see me?
1 2 3 4 5 Do I serve in ways that others will
never know?
1 2 3 4 5 Do I see serving God as a privilege
rather than something for which
gratitude is owed?
285

15. Would my employer/pastors say
that I seek my owngood?
16. Is self-denial rare in my life?
17. Do I seek to please people to such
anextent that I will sometimes fail
to take a stand when I should or
fail to confront?
18. Do I refuse to get up early to help
others?
19. Do I refuse to stay up late to help
others?
20. Do I avoid hard labor or crummy
jobs?
21. Do I quit when treated unfairly?
22. Do I compare how much I am
doing with how muchothersare
doing?
23. Do I complain?
24. Do I drag into church/work after
being up until 2:00 am watching
Godzilla V?
1 2 3 4 5 Would myemployer/pastors say
thattheyhave prospered because
of me?
1 2 3 4 5 Do I think of others to suchan
extent that self-denial is becoming
the rule rather than the exception
in my life?
1 2 3 4 5 Do I so desire good for others that
I am willing to risk their
displeasure if necessary?
1 2 3 4 5 Do I get up early to help others?
1 2 3 4 5 Do I stay up late to help others?
1 2 3 4 5 Do I willingly do hard physical
labor or crummy jobs to help
others?
1 2 3 4 5 Do I continue to seek another s
best even if they don t treat me
right?
1 2 3 4 5 Do I seethat I could never do
enough to show my love for God?
1 2 3 4 5 Do I have a thankful attitude?
1 2 3 4 5 Do I prepare to serve so that I llbe
able to serve with all mystrength?
286

287

Family Conflict Assignment
1. Please write out answers to the following questions. The Scripture texts provide some basis for
each question.
-For what things about my spouse am Ithankful to God? IThess. 5:18
-Where have Isinned against my spouse? Mt. 7:5 5:23-24
- In what ways do I need to change? Mt. 7:5
- In what ways would my spouse say that I need to change? Phil. 2:3-4
-How has my spouse sinned against me? Mt. 18:15f
-In what ways does my spouse need to change? Mt. 7:5b
- How can I gently help my spouse to change? Gal. 6:1-2
2. Read each of these passages and state how they apply to your current marriage situation.
-James 4:1-2
-James 1:19-20
- Matthew 7:5
- Galatians 6:1-2
-Ephesians 5:22-33
-Ephesians 4:32
-Ephesians 4:29
3. Buy and read at least one of these books
- Peacemaking for Families by Ken Sande
- War of Words by Paul Tripp
288

1. Read Jay Adam s pamphlet, What To Do When Fear Overcomes You? Underline the 10
most important sentences to you, and bring it with to our next meeting for discussion.
2. Read one chapter of Elyse Fitzpatrick s book, Overcoming Fear, Worry, and Anxiety, and
write out your answers to the questions at the end of the chapter. Bring your answers with
you to our next meeting to discuss. (Continue this week by week, working through the book)
3. Keep a Fear journal and record times that you are fearful or feel that you are suffering a
panic attack. Jot down the date, time, circumstances, and what you were thinking or saying
to yourself about the circumstances.
4. Memorize Psa. 34:4 I sought the Lord, and He heard me, and delivered me from all my
fears and Psa. 56:3-4 Whenever Iamafraid, I will trust in You. In God (I will praise His
Word), in God I have put my trust; I will not fear. What can flesh do to me? Also, write
them on a 3x5 card to keep posted somewhere that is visible throughout the day - on your
bathroom mirror, computer, kitchen cabinet, etc.
5. Read the booklet by Jerry Bridges, You Can Trust God and answer the questions in the
back. Bring it with you for discussion to our next meeting.
6. Read your Bible every day even if just for 10 minutes. Start with the book of Psalms and
read with a purpose looking for God and His characteristics. Use a notebook to record any
characteristics that you see about God each day in your reading. Take a moment to meditate
on how that characteristic of God should shape your day. In light of that characteristic what
should you think today? Bring your notebook with you to our next meeting.
7. Read Phil. 4:8-9 and then make a Blessing list to combat fearful /untrue thoughts. Review
this list each morning along with your Bible reading.
8. Fight to form the habit of talking to yourself rather than listening to yourself. Speak
Scripture to yourself rather than listening to your own voice of fear and fear producing
thoughts.
9. Read Martha Peace s book, Excellent Wife, chapter 19, p. 215-226 on fear. Then complete
the study guide questions on p. 81-83.
10. Read a little every day from Elisabeth Elliot s book, Keep a Quiet Heart.
11. Memorize I John 4:18 and make alist of loving deeds that you can do for those around you.
Choose to love by giving for the needs of another rather than drawing back in fear. Set a
goal to do two of the loving deeds on your list this week. Do not allow feelings of fear to
keep you from doing it (i.e. Fear of driving your son to soccer, fear of eating out in a
restaurant with your spouse).
289

50 Questions to Ask Your Wife
1. What are your 5 favorite foods, with the most favorite first?
2. What are your 5 favorite kinds of meals, with the most favorite first?
3. What are your 5 favorite desserts, with the most favorite first?
4. What are your 5 favorite restaurants, with the most favorite first?
5. What is your favorite color?
6. What are your 5 favorite hobbies, with the most favorite first?
7. What are your 5 favorite recreations, with the most favorite first?
8. What are your 5 favorite sources of reading, with the most favorite first?
9. What gifts do you like?
10.What is your favorite book of the Bible? Why?
11.What is your favorite verse of the Bible? Why?
12.What is your favorite song?
13.What makes you the most fulfilled or happiest as a woman?
14.What makes you the most fulfilled or happiest as a wife?
15.What makes you the most fulfilled or happiest as a mother?
16.What makes you saddest as a woman?
17.What makes you saddest as a wife?
18.What makes you saddest as a mother?
19.What do you fear the most?
20.What other fears do you have?
21.What do you look forward to the most?
22.How much sleep do you need?
23.What are your skills?
24.What is your spiritual gift?
25.What are your weaknesses?
26.What things (personal, home, car, etc.) need repairing?
27.With what choresand responsibilities do you like my help?
28.What caresses do you enjoy the most?
29.What caresses do you enjoy the least?
30.What action of mine provides you the greatest sexual pleasure?
290

31.What other things stimulate you sexually?
32.At what times do you need assurance of mylove the most?
33.How canthat love be shown?
34.What can I do that will make it easier to discuss and workonareas or problems that are uncomfortable
to you?
35.What concerns do you have that I do not seem interested in?
36.What things do I do that irritate you?
37.What desires do you have that we haven tdiscussed?
38.What do you enjoydoing with me, with the most enjoyable first?
39.What things canI do that show my appreciation for you?
40.What varying desires (spiritual, physical, emotional, intellectual, social, worth, appreciation,
recreational, security, etc.) would you like me to provide?
41.In what ways would you like me to protect you (physically, spiritually, socially, emotionally)?
42.In what ways would you like me to sacrifice for you?
43.What things are first in my life? As you look at me, what do you see? What is your perception of me?
44.What implied or unspoken desires and wishes of yours would you like for me to fulfill?
45.What concerns and interests of yourswould you like me to support?
46.How much time would be good for us to spend together each day?
47.In helping family members to use their skills and develop their abilities, what motivating factors would
be helpful for me to use?
48.What can I do that provides the greatest comfort and encouragement for you when you are hurt, fearful,
anxious, or worried?
49.What personal habitsdo I have that you would like changed?
50.What ways demonstrate to you that you are a very important person who is as important or more
important than I am?
291

FOUR RULES OF COMMUNICATION
(Ephesians 4:25-32)
Good relationships don't happen automatically! Neither are they immune from problems. All men
are sinners Romans 3:10-12, 23) meaning they are selfish and finite and that's all it takes to set
the stage for conflicts. Take heart! Good marriages and solid lasting relationships can be built by
people who know Jesus Christ and follow His principles for communication, especially as they
relate to problem solving. In Ephesians 4:22-24 Paul stresses the importance of laying aside the
"old self" and its way of doing things and putting on the "new self," which is God's way of handling
matters. The following verses (25-32) detail the "Four Rules of Communication" which we are to
use in all our relationships. They are good for both preventing and solving problems.
1. BE HONEST (v. 25)
A. Speak
1) Greek imperative- i.e. acommand- "You speak!"
2) People cannot read our minds. "For who among men knows the thoughts of aman
except the spirit of the man, which is in him?" (1 Corinthians 2:11).
3) Clamming up is out for the Christian!
B. Speak truth
1) "Speaking the truth" in 4:15 is averb form that involves continuous action. We are to always
speak truth!
2) Examples of dishonesty
a) Outright deceit
b) Incongruency: when "halo" communication and "content" communication conflict
c) Disguised communication: when the real message is masked; innuendo
3) Honesty is more than not lying it is being open and truthful.
4) "Do not lie to one another, since you laid aside the old self with its evil practices" (Col.
3:9)
C. Speak the truth lovingly (4:15)
1) You can be brutal with the truth!
2) Christians are to speak the truth with the other person's best interests in mind. Care
must be given to not only what you say but also how you say it. (e.g. tone of voice;
volume; facial expressions, etc.)
3) "Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned as it were with salt, so that you may
know how you should respond to each person" (Colossians 4:6).
2. KEEP CURRENT (vv. 26, 27)
A. "Be angry and sin not. Do not ever let your wrath your exasperation last until
sundown. Leave no such room or foothold for the devil." (Amplified Version)
B. Failure to solve each day's problems that day means you are:
1) Guilty of sin -you're commanded to do it!
2) Opening the way to resentment and hatred
3) Distorting subsequent problem5
4) Endangering your sexual relationship
C. "Therefore do not be anxious for tomorrow, for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day
has enough trouble of its own" (Matthew 6:34).
292

3. ATTACK PROBLEMS Not People (vv. 26, 27)
A. Unwholesome words ( corrupt communication KJV)
-by-passes the real issue
-zeroes in on the person scharacter (cf. Matthew 5:21-22)
-tears down or rips apart (cf. James 3:5-12)
-grieves the Holy Spirit (Ephesians 4:30)
B. Edifying communication
-encourages or builds up
-zeros in on the real issue
-centers on personal responsibility (cf. Matthew 7:1 ff).
-gives grace (i.e. the desire and ability to do God swill) to those who hear.
4. ACT! DON TREACT! (vv. 31-32)
A. Reaction (v. 31) attitudes and actions you must put off completely
1) Bitterness the inability to treat someone as if they never hurt you
2) Wrath flaring outbursts of rage
3) Anger settled indignation of hostility that frequently seeks revenge; the slow burn
4) Clamor harsh contention and strife; public quarreling; brawling
5) Slander speech that injures; abusive speech
6) Malice the desire to harm others or to see others suffer
B. Actions (v. 32) attitudes and actions you must put on to replace the reactions
1) Kind benevolent; helpful; courteous
2) Tenderhearted lit. of good heartedness ;compassionate; sympathetic
3) Forgiving to pass over an offense and to free the offender from the consequences
of it. just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. i.e.:
*Firstly: before you confessed
*Freely: without merit on your part
*Fully: for every offense
C. Arguments are possible only if there are two people who react.
CONCLUSION
A. Changing habits is not easy, but can be done (1 Corinthians 10:13; Philippians 4:13)!
It is much easier than the way of the transgressor (Proverbs 13:15b KJV).
B. No matter how ungodly others are in their attitudes and actions, you must
communicate biblically! Their sin does not justify your sin!!
293

GivingHope
II Corinthians4:7-8;But we havethistreasure in jars of clay toshow that this all-surpassing power is from
God and not fromus. We are hard pressed onevery side, butnotcrushed; perplexed, but not in despair;
persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.
II Corinthians4:16-18: Thereforewe do not loseheart. Thoughoutwardly we are wastingaway, yet
inwardly weare being renewed day byday. For ourlight andmomentary troubles areachieving for us an
eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So wefixoureyes noton what isseen, but on what isunseen.
For what is seenistemporary, but what isunseen iseternal.
Romans 5:2b-5: Andwe {[2] Or letus}rejoiceinthehope of the glory ofGod. 3Not onlyso, but we
{[3] Or let us}alsorejoice in our sufferings,because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4
perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, becauseGod has poured
out his loveintoour heartsbytheHolySpirit, whomhehas givenus.
II Corinthians1:3-7: Praise beto theGod and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion
and the Godof all comfort, whocomfortsusin all ourtroubles, sothat we can comfort thosein any
troublewiththe comfortwe ourselveshavereceived from God. Forjust asthe sufferings ofChrist flow
over into our lives, so alsothroughChrist our comfort overflows. If we aredistressed, it isfor your
comfort and salvation; ifweare comforted,it is foryour comfort, which produces inyoupatient
endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for youis firm, becausewe know thatjustas
you share inour sufferings, soalso you share inour comfort.
I Peter 1:6-7: Inthisyougreatly rejoice, thoughnow for alittle whileyoumay have hadtosuffer grief in
all kindsoftrials. Thesehave come sothatyour faith--of greater worth than gold, which perisheseven
though refined byfire--may be proved genuine andmay resultin praise,gloryand honorwhen Jesus
Christis revealed.
Deut 31:7-8: Then Moses summoned Joshua andsaid to himinthe presence of all Israel, "Be strongand
courageous, for youmustgo withthis peopleintothe land that the LORDswore totheir forefathers togive
them, andyoumust divide it amongthemas their inheritance. 8The LORD himself goesbefore you and
will bewithyou; hewill never leave younor forsake you. Donot be afraid; donotbe discouraged.
Psalms46:1-3: Godis our refugeand strength, anever-present help introuble. 2Therefore we will not
fear, though theearth give way andthe mountainsfall intotheheart of thesea, 3thoughits waters roar
and foam andthemountainsquake with theirsurging. Selah
The Quickening power ofGod in ourlives
Psalm71:20:Thoughyouhave made mesee troubles, many and bitter,you will restore mylife again;
from the depthsofthe earth youwill again bringmeup.
Psalm119:25: Iamlaidlowinthe dust; preserve mylifeaccording to yourword.
Psalm119:37: Turnmy eyesaway from worthlessthings; preserve mylife according toyour word.
Psalm119:107: Ihavesuffered much; preservemy life, OLORD, according to yourword.
Psalm119:156: Your compassionisgreat, OLORD; preserve my lifeaccording toyourlaws.
Psalm143:11:For yourname's sake, OLORD, preserve my life; inyour righteousness, bringme out of
trouble.
294

Rate yourself using the following scale:
5 Excellent.
4 Good.
3 Fair.
2 Weak.
1 Serious improvement needed.
How Do I Rate As An Encourager?
1. I say kind words to those who are discouraged. 1 2 3 4 5
2. I give honest opinions when asked. 1 2 3 4 5
3. I help those who are irritated or annoyed by saying something gentle. 1 2 3 4 5
4. I smile. 1 2 3 4 5
5. I make it a point to tell others good news. 1 2 3 4 5
6. I plan in advance how I will encourage others. 1 2 3 4 5
7. I share with others who are hurting how God s Word has comforted me
inthe past.
1 2 3 4 5
8. I listen. 1 2 3 4 5
9. I persevere in encouraging others. I don tgive up. 1 2 3 4 5
10. I am happy whenothers are happy. 1 2 3 4 5
11. I mourn with those who are broken-hearted. 1 2 3 4 5
12. I keep in touch with those far away. 1 2 3 4 5
13. I am trustworthy. 1 2 3 4 5
14. I remind others of their reward in heaven. 1 2 3 4 5
15. I forgive others. 1 2 3 4 5
16. I tell others I love them. 1 2 3 4 5
17. I get along with others. 1 2 3 4 5
18. I repent and ask forgiveness. 1 2 3 4 5
19. I meet physical needs of others. 1 2 3 4 5
20. I am growing in obedience to God. 1 2 3 4 5
295

21. I refrain from complaining. 1 2 3 4 5
22. I don t say things which might cause others to focus on wrong desires. 1 2 3 4 5
23. I show respect to others. 1 2 3 4 5
24. I praise others appropriately. 1 2 3 4 5
25. I take an interest in others interests. 1 2 3 4 5
26. I consider others as more important than myself. 1 2 3 4 5
27. I am a team player. 1 2 3 4 5
28. I seek to solve problems. 1 2 3 4 5
29. I set an example of facing trials with joy. 1 2 3 4 5
30. I recognize that God is the source of all true encouragement. 1 2 3 4 5
296

HOWTO BE A BARGAIN FOR YOUR MATE
(Are you a good marriage partner?)
The following quiz will help you discern how you are doing as a marriage partner. i.e., whether
you are a bargain for your mate. Rating scale: Never =4: Seldom = 3: Sometimes = 2:
Frequently = 1: Always = 0. Write the number that you judge to be true of your marriage on the
blank following each question.
1. When a disagreement or problem arises, I focus on what is happening and
what I should do to correct it instead of trying to understand why my
mate does what he/she does. ______
2. When a problem arises I am ready to admit that I may be part of the
problem. I focus on what I am doing wrong rather than on what the
other person is doing wrong. ______
3. I realize that I cannot change the other person. He/she must want to
change or all my efforts will compound the problem rather than solve
the problem. ______
3. I realize that love is not primarily a feeling, but actions calculated to
serve, please and help the other person inaGod-honoring way. ______
4. I realize that love is not primarily a feeling, but actions calculated to
Serve, please and help the other person in a God-honoring way. ______
5. I focus on changing my own behavior, attitudes, reactions and responses
toward the other person. I plan specific, attainable, repeatable, and positive
changes that I can make. ______
6. I am constantly working to develop and maintain a good communication
system. I know that relationships are hindered when there is no
communication or the wrong kind of communication ______
7. I am working to develop and maintain manycommonalities, common
projects, common interests, recreational activities. Idate my mate
regularly. I do a variety of things with him/her. I am creative in the
expression of love and appreciation. ______
8. I recognize and allow for differences between people in general and
mymate and me in particular. I know that men and women tend
to view things differently. ______
9. I regularly practice the Golden Rule as stated in Matthew 7:12. I treat
mymate as I would want him/her to treat me. ______
297

10. Imajor on the positive things in my mate and our relationship
rather than the negative. I emphasize our commonalities rather
than our differences (Philippians 4:8). ______
11. I practice the principle laid down in Luke 6:34, 35. I give and serve
expecting nothing in return. ______
12. I keep current. I deal with one problem at a time. I don tcontinue to
have reruns on arguments from the past. I forgive and forget
(Matthew 6:34; Ephesians 4:26). ______
13. I try to maintain a close relationship withgod through Jesus Christ
(John14:6; I John4:21;Matthew 22:37-39; Ephesians 5:21-33). ______
Number of 0 1 answers ___________
Number of 2 4 answers ___________
This quiz describes thirteen principles for developing and maintaining
goodrelationships with other people. It describes how you can be the
marriage partner God wants you to be. If you could honestly answer all
questions with a 0 or a 1, you probably have a good relationship with your
mate. If you answered the questions with a 2 4, plan how you can
change to turn the answers into a0 1. The more 0 s or 1 s you have, the
better will be your relationship. The more 2 s, 3 s or 4 s, the worse will
be your relationship.
298

How to Meditate: The MAP Method
Findaportion of Scripture relevant to your problem or find one that deals with a Bible principle or truth
you wish to master. Always meditate on Scripture that God's Spirit 'highlights' as you are reading His
Word.
Memorize the Passage
This often occurs automatically if the passage is studied intensely enough in the next step. It is important
when facing difficult times or temptations to know exactly what God said word for word. Satan was able
to gain a toehold in Eve's life because she did not know exactly what God said. She had a general idea, but
that isn't good enough when dealing with an enemy as deceptive as Satan. Satan twists Scripture and uses
it out of context constantly in his battle with believers. A person who cannot remember God's exact words
is in danger of "leaning on his own understanding" (Proverbs 3:5-6).
Analyze the Passage
Study the passage asking the Holy Spirit to give you a thorough understanding of its message.
1. Intensive Focus: study of the words in the passage
List the major words in the passage and use an English dictionary to find out the meaning of each
word. If possible, look up each word in a Greek or Hebrew dictionary or check out the meaning for
each in Strong's Exhaustive Concordance. Once you are sure of each word's meaning, put the
passage in your own words (paraphrase it).
2. Extensive Focus: study of the context and purpose of the passage
Use a commentary on the passage or study the notes in a good study Bible. Try to understand who
the passage was written to and why.
Personalize the Passage
Plan outconcrete ways for change in your life that are consistent with your understanding of the passage
you just studied. Plans include schedules, details, techniques, steps, and procedures. Ask yourself,
"When have I failed to do this in the past? When am I likely to meet it again? What will be my
response the next time I meet this? Think through the 'game plan' thoroughly and in advance of the next
temptation. Use the passage in personal prayer to God. For example, a person meditating on James 4:1-
11 may begin a prayer like this:
"Lord, you tell me here in James 4:1 that the conflict I'm having with John is the result of my own lusts,
my own desires to have something my way. I know that isn't pleasing to You. Instead of responding in
anger to John, I need Your help and grace which you promised in James 4:6 when You said that You
resist the proud but give grace to the humble. Help me to humble myself instead of proudly insistingon
my wayand to allow You to lift me up in Your time..."
299

Identifying Personal Idols
Guard your heart with all diligence, for out of it flows the issues of life
Prov. 4:23
Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties; and see
if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
Psa. 139:23-24
Questions to Ask Yourself
as you search your own heart
o What do you want, desire, seek, aim for, pursue, hope for?
o What are your goals, expectations, intentions?
o What do you feel like doing? Do you want what you want, or do you want Christ s
lordship over your life?
o Where do you look for security, meaning, happiness, fulfillment, joy, or comfort? Where
you do put your basic trust ?
o What would make you happy?
o What do you fear? What do you tend to worry about?
o What do you love and hate most of all?
o How do you define success or failure in a particular situation?
o What image do you have of who you are? Ought to be or want to be?
o At your deathbed what to you would sum up your life as worthwhile?
o What do you see as your rights ?
o When you are pressured or tense, where do you turn? What do you think about?
o What do you pray for?
Place a next to the items / issues that you think might be
current or potential idols in your life
Performance especially for significant others you try to please to get or to keep acceptance or
approval. Example: for parents or spouse. When you please man rather than God, this is idolatry. If
that is the case, then you are worshipping that person more than God. Fearful of what others think
rather than obeying God this is a problem.
Performance for Self (Perfectionism) trying to perform up to our own standards that we have set.
Can become a Pharisee. When I meet the standard, I feel good; when I don tIfeel bad. Making a
personal list for myself to follow that is higher than what God says.
Performance of Others I make a list of what others should do. Example: For my spouse to be a
good husband / wife he / she must do (1,2,3, etc.). If he/she doesn tdo these things, Ibecome
judgmental and unloving.
300

Good Health My goal shouldn t be this, but to glorify God. It sOK to pray for healing but don t
let getting healed become an idol. God may want you to be sick in order to glorify Himself (see
John 9).
Love of Money I take a promotion just to get more money
Success What sagood day to you? Answering this question helps to reveal idols of the
heart. What made it a good day in your mind? Usually it s I got a lot accomplished / done. Or I
pleased significant others. Or I got my way Others did for me what I want them to do. Etc.
Fairness - Life has to be fair! (Psalm 73) I ve been trying to please God; these others aren t
even trying and they prosper. This can cause you to almost forsake the faith (Psa. 73:2).
Hurt-Free / Pain-Free Life I don t want to deal with problems. There shouldn t be any
difficulties. I shouldn t have to go through anything unsettling because I want peace.
Christian Marriage and Home I ll be successful if my children turn out right. That can
become an idol. Or I want people to look at our marriage and think we have the best marriage in
the world. I cannot serve God and have joy until my spouse changes and starts doing _________ .
Physical Appearance
Being respected / Admired
Being self-sufficient / Independent
A Material Thing car, house, jewelry, etc.
Athletic Abilities / Achievements
Hobbies ~ sports, reading, whatever
An Ideal ("Pro-life movement, "Peace Movement," political party, etc.)
Being Treated Fairly
Success / Position / Power
Worldly Pleasures (drugs, alcohol, food, sex, etc)
Being in Control
Meeting Goals / Achievements
A Child or Children
Getting Married
Having Your 'Needs' Met
Other? __________________________________________
301

Now write the top 5 present or potential idols from
your check-list onto this heart
Ask Yourself
1. Am I willing to sin
to get this?
2. Am I willing to sin if I
think I m going to lose this?
3. Do I turn to this as a Refuge
and comfort instead of going to
God?
Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs.
Jonah 2:8 (NIV)
302

1997 BIBLICAL CONCEPTS IN COUNSELING
303

Idolatry Repentance Plan of Action
Specific Plan to Put Off and Put On new attitudes and behavior
so that genuine repentance and change takes place
1. Be specific and not abstract or vague. We don tchange and grow in fuzzy land. ( I
want to be nice or more loving is too vague. State specifically the ways you are going to
be more loving what are you going to do? How & what are you going to think now?)
2. Make the goals attainable be realistic
3. Be biblical does God ask you to do this? Or do you have abiblical principle as the
basis for doing it?
4. Be positive and not merely negative not merely, Iwon tbe critical, but Iwill express
appreciation for aleast two things every day. The Bible talks about replacing sinful
behavior, not just stopping wrong behavior. The joy and peace comes in doing
righteousness, not just in avoiding sinfulness.
Examples:
Iwill smile when I enter the house.
Iwill say Ilove you at least two times aday.
Iwill call her from work to express my love.
Iwill lead family devotions once /week
Iwill plan my day so that I can spend 30 minutes with her.
Idols that Write out specific steps to changing in this area. How
Need to Be does your thinking need to change? What will you stop doing?
Thrown Down What will you begin to do?
Idol #1
New Ways of Thinking about this area / issue:
-
-
-
-
-
New Ways of Acting in this area:
-
-
-
-
-
304

Idol #2
Idol #3
New Ways of Thinking about this area / issue:
-
-
-
-
-
New Ways of Acting in this area:
-
-
-
-
-
New Ways of Thinking about this area / issue:
-
-
-
-
-
New Ways of Acting in this area:
-
-
-
-
-
305

IsMasturbationaSin?
Pastor Brad Bigney
Let me say first that there is no Bible verse that says masturbation is aSIN.Therefore we are left
with the need to draw from biblical principles and think through whether or not that activity is
best, and does it violate anybiblicalprinciples.The Roman Catholic Church tried to make acase
for it being sin by using the story in the Old Testament where aman named Onan 'spilled his
seed on the ground' instead of having sex with his brother's wife and God killed him (The O.T.
law said ifaman died and had no son his brother should take his wife and raise up offspring for
him to keep the family going). Clearly the man was killed for violating aclear command they
had back then. This is aweak argument to use in reference to the question of whether or not
masturbation is asin.
Idon't have ahuge problem with Dobson and others who allow some license for this with the
understanding that it is most certainly SIN to fantasize about other women (that is adultery! or
for asingle young man it is fornication)and it is sin to use pornography forthe same reason.Sex
in the mind outside the bounds of God's directives is still sin... and it leads to acting out sins in
the flesh. It really does matter what we think. 2Cor. 10:5 tells us "taking every thought captive
to the obedience of Christ." Rom. 12:2 "And do not be conformed to this world, but be
transformed by the renewing of your mind" Eph. 4:22-24 "That you put off the old man with its
deceitful lusts and put on the new man created in righteousness by the renewing of your mind."
So...wheredoes that leave us?
Well, Ithinkseveralprinciplescan guide us in this area:
1. Sex and our sexuality was not created by Godprimarily for our own pleasure but as
awonderful gift that is to be given to ourlife partner... this gift bonds us togetherin aspecial and
intimate way. It is something God meant for us to experience in relationship to another human
being... not primarilyas awonderful rush to experience byyourself. When we use it that waywe
have twisted something wonderful and there are some dangers that then enter in. Here's some
Scripture for using sex to give pleasure to your mate: ICor. 7:3 "Let the husband render to his
wife the affection due her, likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have
authorityoverherbody, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority
over his body, but the wife does." Our bodies and our sexuality are not our own to selfishly use
for our own pleasure. They were given to be enjoyed in the context of a loving marriage
relationship. In fact, God says regarding sexual relations between husband and wife, "Do not
deprive each other except by mutual consent and for atime... then come together again so that
Satan will not tempt you..." ICor. 7:5. Masturbation deprives your spouse of something they
are supposed to get from you, and you then leave them open to temptation from Satan. We are
also supposed to find our sexual satisfaction in our spouse...not other people or things. Prov.
5:18-20 "May your fountain be blessed,and mayyou rejoice in the wife of youryouth...mayher
breasts satisfy you at all times, may you be captivated by her love..." Masturbation leads you to
find satisfaction somewhere other than your spouse... and can often lead your affections away so
that you re captivatedbysomething orsomeone otherthan her.
306

2. Another principle that would bearon this issue is the sinof selfishness. We are all prone
to selfishness by nature and this activity seems to fan that flame. It also tends to isolate us. We
withdraw and focus on ourselves. How do Iwant it? What would be good for me? What really
turns me on? All ofthis thinking breeds an attitude that is contrary to biblical love. Biblical love
is giving for the needs of another expecting nothing in return. Love is giving not getting. The
activity of autoeroticism by nature is a'getting' activity rather than agiving activity. And it
doesn't cause us to bond with others. We begin to think we don't need another human
relationship in that area. Yet this gift was intended to be some of the 'glue' that would knit us to
another person rather than ourselves. The activity in question runs counter to that and feeds
selfish isolationism. ICor. 13:5 says "love does not seek its own". This activity most definitely
seeks it sown. ICor. 10:24 "Nobody should seek his own good,but the good of others." Rom.
15:2-3 "Each of us should please his neighbor (your spouse is your closest neighbor) for his
good, to build him up. For even Christdid notplease Himself." Phil. 2:3-4 "Let nothingbe done
from selfish ambition... let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the
interestsofothers."
3. Another danger is that it can be used as an escape or arefuge other than God. Any of
the good things that God has given us (food, drink, sex, work) can become sinful if used as a
place of refuge instead of turning to God. Ithink masturbation often gets used in that way
especially with young people. It's quick, easy and gives fast gratification. That in itself should
send off some danger signals... because habits may be forming so they will want to run there
when things don't go their way or they re feeling down or bored or whatever and just want a
rush. The area of sexuality is very much like food, drink, and drugs. Something good that God
gave, but can, like everything,be abused and lead us into bondage. God is to be our refuge... not
sex oranythingelse. So there's the danger ofallowing this to get rooted in yourlife as an idol... a
false god. Psa. 73:25 "Whom have Iin heaven but You? And there is none upon earth that I
desire besides You. My flesh and my heart may fail; but God is the strength ofmy heart and my
portion forever." Psa. 32:7 "You are my hiding place" Psa. 16:11 "In Your presence is fullness
ofjoy" Psa.119:114 'You are myhidingplace and myshield.Ihope in yourword." Psa. 91:2 "I
will say of the Lord, 'He is my refuge and my fortress; my God, in Him I will trust."
Masturbation can easily and insidiously become asubstitute for arelationship with God and
others.
4. Another concern is that it runs contrary to the virtue of self-control that we are
commanded to be developing as Christians.This is such astrong area. Fighting in this area is an
excellent opportunity to trust God and ask for His grace rather than feed the desires of the flesh.
And Iknow it is hard. It can still be astruggle for amarried person. Even when avoiding wrong
(adulterous) thoughts while indulging, it still seems like you re not using selfcontrol and you re
taking something away from your spouse just because you didn't say No to the flesh and wait
until you could be with your mate. In all honesty, sometimes you don't want the 'hassle' of
having to 'perform' or make it good for someone else and you just want quick relief. And that's
back to the issue of selfishness. When this area is allowed to run free in our life, even as a
married person there is the danger then of comparison. In some ways, without working on it
together and without communicating how can your spouse satisfy you as well as you do
yourself? You knowexactlywhere you want it and how you want it.So, if you allow this to be a
307

egularpractice you may actually find sexual relations with your spouse less satisfying and more
frustrating because you've grown accustomed to doing it yourself. It can turn the bedroom into a
selfish spot where you are wishing and thinking about how and what you wish they would
do...like you do for yourself. Once again your focus becomes, What do Iwant? and What's
best forme? ,ratherthan, Howcan Ireallyplease myspouse?
There splentyof Scripture thatshowsourneed to exercise self-control:
Prov. 25:28 "Like acity whose walls are broken down is aman who lacks self-control" Lack of selfcontrol
in thesexual area will certainlybegin to bleed over into other areas, because it is amatter ofsaying
"No"to the flesh...ruling theflesh.Youarechoosingnotto bedominatedand ruled byyour passions.
IThes. 4:3-6 "It is God's will that you be holy; that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you
should learn to control his own body in away that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the
heathen,who donotknowGod..."
2Tim.1:7 "Goddid not give usaspiritoftimidity, butaspiritofpower,ofloveandof self-discipline."
5. This whole area seems to be aflame that just can't ever get enough. If you open the
doorand allow free reign in this area it seems that you need more and more to get the same level
of satisfaction you did before. You will feel the need to move on to other things (pornography,
fantasy, kinkiness) in order to get the same level of rush and excitement you did when you first
experimented in this area. Rather than satisfying... its seems to only stir athirst for more... and
leaves one feeling very empty, and if you are aChristian... guilty on top ofthat. Because in your
heart ofhearts you're not reallysure it is biblicallyacceptable anyway. Jer.2:13 "But mypeople
have committed two great sins; theyhave forsaken Me the fountain of living water and have dug
for themselves cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water." This whole area is often a
broken cistern that cannot hold water. It leaks. To stay satisfied it demands more... more of the
same and then variety... something new. You end up in astate of perpetual agitation and very
little satisfaction.
6. Finally,it seems to bring guiltanddistraction with it that hindersourwalkwithGod.
IPeter 2:11 "I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires /lusts which
war against your soul." Veryoften when this area of physical lust is stirred up it wars against the spiritual
side... and is not usually atime when we are hungry for God and really growing. This activity tends to
drawsusawayandhinderourwalk. Wefeeldirtyandthink wecan'tdrawnear toGod.
Rom. 13:14 "Clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the
desires of the sinful nature." Often this activity causes us to spend an inordinate amount of time thinking
aboutit... leadingup toit... whatwe'lldo nexttime, etc.
Rom.8:8 "those controlled bythe sinful nature cannotpleaseGod."
Conclusion: Based on Scriptural principles of biblical love and self-control, as well as the
foundation of God soriginal design for sexual pleasure to be shared between husband and wife,
it seems prudent to personallyresist the temptationto masturbate, and it sseems important forus
to teach ourchildren thedangersofgivingovertothis temptation.
308

309

310

"LOG" LIST
Matthew 7:3-5
"And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your
own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me remove the speck out of your eye;' and
look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank
from your own eye, and then you will see clearly
to remove the speck out of your brother's eye."
1. Get alone with God for an unhurried time of reflection and soul searching. Stop and pray as
you begin. Pray according to Psalm 139:23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me
and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any offensive way in me Ask God to
clearly reveal to you ways that you have wronged other people and have not made it right.
2. Get a blank sheet of paper and begin to brainstorm. Make a full list of all the things that you
have done in your relationship to others. Be honest and specific. Wesin againstothers in
specific, concrete ways, and we need to confess the sin in specific, concrete ways. Try not to
be vague or over-generalize things. The list should be as comprehensive as possible.
3. Privately confess each of the items as sins, and repent before God.
4. Contact eachofthepeople on your list, with the purpose of asking them to forgive you for the
way(s) you sinned against them.
5. Pray and ask God sSpirit to meet with you and bring healing.
6. Be ready to speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15). Do not argue, defend yourself, raise your
voice, interrupt, or lose your cool. This meeting is to be a place of healing and reconciliation,
not a time to attack, malign, get revenge, or argue. It is a time to uncover and solve
problems, not compound them. Do not go expecting them to in turn ask you to forgive them
for the way(s) they ve sinned against you. That might happen, but it might not. Your
motivation in going is to obey God and please Him, not to get the other person to admit their
faults to you.
7. You should confess your specificsinslistedonyour Log List and say: I sinned against you
when I . Or by not Will you please forgive me? Move through each item on your list
in the same way.
8. Close in prayer together.
(Adapted from Christian Living in the Home, p. 139-141, by Jay Adams, P&R Pub., 1972)
311

My Sinful Ways
312
What God Wants Me to Do
About Them

Manipulation Test
The following quiz will help you discern the degree to which your children are manipulating
you. On the blank beside each statement, write the number that best describes what you believe
tobe trueofyourfamilysituation.
Rating Scale: 6=Never 4=Seldom 2=Frequently 0=Always
5=Hardly 3=Occasionally 1=Almost always
1. Ihave to repeat and/orreword instructions before mychild follows them. ______
2. When Iaskmychild to do something,he asks me, Why? ______
3. Ifind myselfhavingto justifymydecisionsto mychildren. ______
4. Ihave grown wearyofcertain topics which seem tobe discussed over and over ______
again with mychildren.
5. Iwalk awayfrom discussions with mychild and Ifeelguilty. ______
6. Mychild lies to me. ______
7. Allofthe children are disciplined almostentirelybyone parent. ______
8. Irescinddisciplinaryactions (orlift restrictions)because ofsympathetic appeals ______
bymychildren.
9. Ifind myselfdefendingmypositionsto mychildren. ______
10. Iget frustratedbecause mychild seemsbeyond mycontrol. ______
11. Igetsidetrackedbymychild scleverdistractions when Iattemptto discipline him. ______
12. Mychild tries to obligate me tobehave acertain waybytellingme what Ishould, ______
oughtto,ormustdo.
13. When mychild wants somethingfrom me,he triesto motivate me to give itto him ______
withouttellingmedirectlywhathe wants.
14. Mychild is able to procrastinate bycleverlyusingnumerous stalltactics whenI ______
assign him aresponsibility.
15. Mychild is able to playon myemotions inorderto getwhathe wants. ______
16. Ihesitate to say No to mychild outoffearofwhathe mightdo. ______
313

17. Iam unsuccessfulat completingthe intended instruction anddisciplineofmy ______
child due tohis unwillingness to cooperate.
18. Mychild is so tenacious in wantinghis own waythat Ieithergive in to his desires ______
or give up on tryingto train him.
19. Mychild continues tobe and plead to have his wayafterIve deniedhisappeal ______
the firsttime.
20. Mychild is more disobedient and disrespectfulin frontof others than he is whenhe ______
knows that suchbehavioris not likelyto embarrass me.
Scoring Your Test
Total Score ______
Add up the totalnumber ofpoints to determine your score. Based on 100%, if yourtotal score is
90 orbetter,you are probablyquite adept at preventing manipulation by your child. If yourtotal
score is between 75 and 90, you are probably being manipulated to arelatively small degree. If
yourtotal score isbelow75,it is likelythat you are beingmanipulated to agreatextent.
Taken from Lou Priolo sbook The HeartofAnger ,p.145-147
314

ThePanic Fear Attack
by Darrell Gustafson
1. Review the two cornerstone texts for fear. 2 Tim. 1:7 & 1 John 4:18
Please answer the following questions:
Is God the author of debilitating fear?
Is God the author of grace, truth, and power in abundance?
In 2 Tim. 1:7, look for information given about ASound Mind
In 1 John 4:18 what does fear involve?
(It is important to understand that fear is an unbelief issue. Professing Christians can and
sometimes do get trapped into this phenomenon labeled as Panic Attack.)
2. DEFINITIONS:
A. Panic Attack : One or more episodes in which an individual is overcome with
fear, to the point where they experience one or more debilitating symptoms for some
period of time. Or, Out of control fear fear that is controlling us not us controlling fear.
A more accurate Biblical Definition would be UnmanageableFear .
B. Overcoming: The process of effectively applying the means of grace in such a
manner that the symptoms diminish, or disappear, to the point where they are no
longer problematic.
C. Insanity: the loss of the ability to discern what is true and what is false.
3. Identifying a fear attack
It is important to identify a fear attack for two reasons:
A. Wecan fall into the danger of under reacting. (Labeling it as exaggeration or faking
it)
B. We can fall into the danger of over reacting. (Labeling all fear experiences as
panic )
4. Identifying clues of one who is overcome by unmanageable fear:
(Important note: Not every item may apply.)
Pleasecheck the following characteristics which describe your present condition.
A. A debilitating fear. (When one cannot function responsibly and normally.)
B. A loss of ability to function responsibly and to think carefully
C. Physiological clues (shortness of breath, hyperventilation, inability to sleep, a sense of
tension, sweaty palms, sweaty forehead, a sense of physical exhaustion)
315

D. The temptation to depression or despair (especially if they have been trying to
overcome fear on their own and have not succeeded. A temptation to doubt their salvation
may also be present.)
E. A tremendous sense of being trapped. (As if a heavy weight is resting upon them.)
5. Common causes for being overcome by fear:
(Important note: Not every item may apply.)
A. Chronic fatigue, inadequate rest or exercise
B. Illness even asthmatic allergies
C. Unresolved personal problems may be a significant contributor.
D. A sudden or gradual increase in one s personal stress. (I.e. the person maynot take
physical illness or lack of sleep seriously until his reserve of energy is depleted.)
E. The perception of a threat to one s sense of well-being or security. (This is often
unrecognized and not admitted by the individual.)
F. New situations change (especially if the person has not grown up dealing with
unanticipated problems).
G. Doubt about the ability of the problem to be solved. See Jeremiah 17:5-9 2 Thess.
2:10-11 & 13 (What we do with truth is vital in salvation and sanctification.)
H. Weak theology (There are often several misconceptions but almost always at least
one major theological misconception.)
I. Spiritual immaturity
J. Unconfessed sin. (Be sure to check for this because unconfessed sin produces
guilt.)
(Often they are sins which are hardly identifiable as sin, but they must be discovered and
repented of including putting on the righteous love of the opposite action, thought or
attitude of that sin. Be sure to check for pride and self-love! -Pr. 3:5-7 Being wise in own
eyes.)
K. There are three frames of mind which are self-blinding: fear, anger and pride.
These will keep you from discerning the sin that you are stumbling over. (We have
trouble seeing the sin in our own eye.)
L. A spirit of impatience is a very significant contributory cause for panic or fear
attacks.
316

317

Personality Inventory Chart
On ascale of0-4, rate yourself and every family member on the following qualities. Four is the
highest rating and zero is the lowest. For example, for the first quality, if you are very patient, give
yourself a four. If you are not patient at all, give yourself a zero. If you are somewhere in between,
rater yourself from one to three. Circle any area where you and family members differ by more than
one point. Discuss how differences or similarities affect your family relationships.
Qualities You Mate Child 1 Child 2 Child 3 Child 4
Patient
Accepting
Stubborn
Easily
annoyed
Resentful
Forgiving
Dominant
Selfcentered
Gentle
Pushy
A good
listener
Reasonable
Considerate
A loner
Depressive
Open
Expressive
Practical
Efficient
Neat,
organized
Extravagant
Reliable
Affectionate
318

Qualities You Mate Child 1 Child 2 Child 3 Child 4
Athletic
Ambitious
Apleasant
voice
Musical
Agood
dresser
Forgetful
Lazy
Indicate below the approximate extent of agreement or disagreement between you and other
familymembersfor each item in the list. Use the following scale:
1= always agree
2= frequently agree
3= occasionally disagree
4= frequently disagree
5= almost always disagree
6= always disagree
7= not applicable
After you have completed the rating, circle the numbers of the items that pose the greatest
potential for conflict.
Use of money
Recreational matters
Spiritual matters
Friends (social life)
Demonstrations of affection
Correct or proper behavior
Philosophy of life; goals
Time spent together
Making major decisions
Leisure time activities
Career decisions
Prayer and Bible study together
You &
Mate
319
Child 1 Child 2 Child 3 Child 4

Where to live
What type of housing to live in
Ways ofdealing withgrandparents,
parents, and in-laws
Use ofalcohol or drugs
How to resolve disagreements
Sexual issues
Family life issues: training and
discipline, fun times, etc.
Church attendance and involvement
Marriage and family expectations
Occupational, scholastic, professional
matters
Family chores and responsibilities
The husband s/wife s roles and
responsibilities
You &
Mate
Child 1 Child 2 Child 3 Child 4
Take the following Circuit Jammer Inventory. Evaluate yourself and other family members on
each of the items mentioned. Use the rating scale: never do this (4), seldom do this (3), sometimes
do this (2), often do this (1), usually do this (0). Be honest about your ratings. Make this a learning
experience.
Lying 4 3 2 1 0
Blatant 4 3 2 1 0
Exaggeration 4 3 2 1 0
Misrepresentation 4 3 2 1 0
Sidetracking 4 3 2 1 0
Verbal slamming 4 3 2 1 0
Abusive, mocking speech 4 3 2 1 0
Cancellation speech 4 3 2 1 0
Gunpowder speech 4 3 2 1 0
Ventriloquistic speech 4 3 2 1 0
Final-word speech 4 3 2 1 0
Excessive negative talk 4 3 2 1 0
320

Mind-reading speech 4 3 2 1 0
Overpowering speech (loud, forceful, pushy) 4 3 2 1 0
Manipulative, punitive speech 4 3 2 1 0
Double-bind speech 4 3 2 1 0
Disregarding speech (failure to acknowledge the other person s contributions) 4 3 2 1 0
Emotional, unrestrained speech (angry, dramatic, overreactive) 4 3 2 1 0
Disjointed speech (no connection to what is being discussed, out-of-place for
the circumstances)
4 3 2 1 0
Picayune speech (making big deals out of insignificant things) 4 3 2 1 0
Excessive cotton-candy speech 4 3 2 1 0
Excessive heavyweight, problem-oriented speech 4 3 2 1 0
Placating, insincere speech 4 3 2 1 0
Hasty, knee-jerk speech 4 3 2 1 0
Blame-shifting, defensive speech 4 3 2 1 0
Ungodly speech (saying things that are contrary to the Bible or that the Bible
would not have us talk about)
4 3 2 1 0
Evasive speech (refusal to talk about issues directly, misleading people) 4 3 2 1 0
Profane, vulgar speech 4 3 2 1 0
Sarcastic speech (put-downs, cutting speech) 4 3 2 1 0
321

Take the following real talk inventory. Evaluate yourself and other family members on each of
the items mentioned. Use the rating scale: almost always do this (4), often do this (3), sometimes do
this (2), seldomdo this (1), never do this (0).
My (or another s) speech is characterized by:
Honesty 4 3 2 1 0
Accuracy 4 3 2 1 0
Openness 4 3 2 1 0
Motivation to build up 4 3 2 1 0
Grace and graciousness 4 3 2 1 0
Arespectful tone 4 3 2 1 0
Encouragement 4 3 2 1 0
Apositive tone and nature 4 3 2 1 0
Gentleness 4 3 2 1 0
Warmth and tenderness 4 3 2 1 0
Apleasant tone 4 3 2 1 0
Proper timing 4 3 2 1 0
Sensitivity to others needs 4 3 2 1 0
Kindness 4 3 2 1 0
Hopefulness and comfort 4 3 2 1 0
Aservant spirit 4 3 2 1 0
Sensitivity to others interests 4 3 2 1 0
Sensitivity to others moods 4 3 2 1 0
Proper placement or setting 4 3 2 1 0
Make a list of real talk characteristics onwhich you scored yourself or other family members 0, 1,
or 2. Pray about and plan how you canimprove these.
322

Take the following communication inventory. Evaluate yourself and other family members on
each of the items mentioned. Use the rating scale: almost always do this (4), often do this (3),
sometimes do this (2), seldom do this (1), never do this (0).
Whencommunicating withanother family member, I...
Squarelyface the other person. 4 3 2 1 0
Express openness through my hands and arms. 4 3 2 1 0
Express interest through mybody posture. 4 3 2 1 0
Look at the person who is speaking. 4 3 2 1 0
Amappropriately relaxed, not tense. 4 3 2 1 0
Listen with mymind. 4 3 2 1 0
Pace my responses in accordance with the emotional state of the speaker. 4 3 2 1 0
Discipline myself to listen even when I mtired. 4 3 2 1 0
Discipline myself to listen even when I don tagree with what is being said. 4 3 2 1 0
Control my emotions as I listen. 4 3 2 1 0
Discipline myself to listen even when I am being rebuked or corrected. 4 3 2 1 0
Ampatient, slow to be angry. 4 3 2 1 0
Control my responses. 4 3 2 1 0
Don t dominate the conversation. 4 3 2 1 0
Allow the other person freedom to talk about his/her interests and concerns. 4 3 2 1 0
Appreciate and listen to counsel. 4 3 2 1 0
Allow others fully to state their opinions. 4 3 2 1 0
Refrain from drawing conclusions or giving advice until I have carefully
listened.
4 3 2 1 0
Recognize that my viewpoint may be biased. 4 3 2 1 0
Welcome and solicit the input ofothers. 4 3 2 1 0
Ameager to hear. 4 3 2 1 0
Seek to serve others bylistening. 4 3 2 1 0
Amaware that I may not always accurately hear the words another person
uses.
Recognize that we may use the same words or phrases with slightly different
meanings.
4 3 2 1 0
4 3 2 1 0
Try to understand another person s words in the way he/she uses them. 4 3 2 1 0
Realize that my interpretation of another person s speech will be influenced by
what I perceive about the other person s feelings as he/she is speaking.
323
4 3 2 1 0

Recognize that my interpretation of another person s feelings may be
erroneous.
4 3 2 1 0
Amcautious in attributing anevil intent to another person s statements. 4 3 2 1 0
Hear people out and don tjump to conclusions. 4 3 2 1 0
Refrain from dogmatically predicting what the other person is going to say. 4 3 2 1 0
Acknowledge that the other person knowswhat he meant much better than I
do.
Refuse to use the time when the other person is speaking to prepare my
response.
4 3 2 1 0
4 3 2 1 0
Amslow to interrupt. 4 3 2 1 0
Can accurately summarize and reflect what has been said to me. 4 3 2 1 0
Let the other person complete his/her story. 4 3 2 1 0
324

Introductionto Biblical Counseling
Possible Homework Assignments and Strategies
Edward T. Welch The Journal of Biblical Counseling Volume 18 Nu. 2 Winter 2000
1. Take one biblical story, read it every day, and write down ten (or more) applications of it.
The basic idea with this assignment, and some of the others that follow, is that you want
depressed people to meditate on something. Otherwise, their minds will drift into further
despondency and you might try to throw every rope you can think of rather than stick with one
thing until the person does it. If a depressed person can see the merit in this battle strategy, and
he or she is willing to do it, stay with the assignment until it is done. (Too often, counselors
throw out ideas and don t follow through.)
2. Find ten features of a friend that are good. Write them down and send them to the friend.
3. Write out your purpose for living. Allow it to be revised by others. Then memorize it.
4. Become an expert in what God says to those who suffer. Consider starting with Heb. 10-12.
5. Write down teaching or applications from the Sunday sermon that are good, important, and
true.
6. Each day, speak or write something that edifies others.
7. Take one aspect of creation (e.g. grass, a shrub, a squirrel, a leaf) and consider it until you can
say that it is good.
8. Each day, listen to God s Word, music that points you to Christ, or another person who has
spiritual wisdom. Be able to summarize what you heard. Practice listening.
9. Keep asharp eye out for grumbling and complaining. Like gossip, these are sins that are
acceptable in our culture, so we don tsee their ugly roots. What does the grumbling and
complaining really say?
10. Consider these questions. In this culture, have we forgotten the benefits of hardship? What
are the possible benefits of suffering? (Ps 119:67, 71; 2 Cor. 1:8-10; Heb. 5:8; James 1:3)
11. Since the label depression cannot capture the complexity of your experience, what are other
words, especially words that can be keyed to Scripture, that more concretely capture what is
going on in your heart?
12. Get help. Ask a few people to pray for you and speak the truth to you. When you ask for
prayer, ask for more than just the alleviation of depression. (Use this as an opportunity to pray
big prayers. Find some of the prayers in Scripture and pray them. For example, pray that you
would know the love of Christ (Eph. 3), that you would look more like Jesus (Rom. 8:29), that
you would love others, and that you would discern what it means today to bring glory to God.)
325

326

QuestionsMentorsAsk
Howis your ministryaffecting your ownrelationship with God?
Howis yoursenseof God scallbeingclarified?
Whereare your skills beingtested?
Where is your character beingtested?
Whereare your hopesand dreams foryour futureministry?
What evidence can youpoint to of the presenceandpower of God in
your ministry?
Howis yourrelationship/communication style impacting your
ministry?
As youassess your growth, wheredo you seeareasyouneed to work
on? What are your felt deficiencies?
What aresome newthings youcould try?
What aresome things wecoulddothat wouldhelpyoutobe morea
personof integrity?
What pain have you experienced and what weresome of the effectsof
thatpain?
Howhas thatshaped who youare?
Howmight God useyourpastto prepare youfor ministryin the
future?
Let spretendthat God knows what He sdoing in your life,even
though things haven tworkedout as you dhoped. What might He be
teaching youthroughthat?
HowcanIhelp you?
327

A. Read
READING REPORT FORM
B. Write down the most important principles or insights
presentedbytheauthorinthis booklet.
C. Do you agree or disagree with the author? Put acheck
mark where you agree and where you disagree. If you
disagree,giveyourreasons.
D. Evaluate or assess your life in the light of the insights
presented in this booklet. Note where you are failing and
where you are succeeding in implementing the truths of this
booklet. What do you need to change? How will you go about
making the changes?
328

RECOVERY PLAN AFTER FAILURE
1. Callunbiblicaldesires motives,thoughts,feelings,words, and actions what
God calls them sin.
2. Takefullresponsibilityfor thesin.
3. Confess thesin, both to God and to anyothers who werehurt and askfor their
forgiveness (1John1:9).
4. Ask God forhelp innotdoing it again.
5. Remind yourself what Christ has doneand is doingfor you.
6. Reflect on the resources available to believers inChrist.
7. Meditate on God spromisesof forgivenessand deliverancefromthe power of
sin.
8. Accuratelyevaluate thechanges that havealreadyoccurredand the progress
thathas been made.
9. Learnfrom failurebybrieflyexamining what you did that you shouldnot
have done and what you did not do that youshould have done.
10. Makerestitution wherenecessary.
11. Purposetoput the pastbehind you inabiblical wayand toresume your
effortstochange inagodly manner.
329

Respecting YourHusband...
ASelf-AssessmentQuiz
Ask yourselfifyou are manifesting anyofthese signs
Rate yourselfonascale of1-5 (one being the lowest score and 5being the best)
Make note ofthe ones youscored the lowest onand write downspecific ways you canimprove in
that area. Thencome together withyour husband and ask himto rate you ineacharea. (The
scores maynot be the same!) Make changingamatter ofspecific prayer and ask your husband to
holdyou accountable.
1. Do you speak to your husband inacondescending, "put down" manner?
For example:
"Whatthematterwithyou?"
"Anybodycouldhave donebetterthanyou did."
"MyDadwouldhave never done that."
"Can'tyoudoanythingright?"
"Ishouldhave knownbetter than todependonyou."
"Don'tbe stupid."
"Whatyoujustsaidis ridiculous."
"You'retooslow,I'lldo it myself."
"It is better to live in adesert land, than with acontentious and vexing woman." Prov. 21:19
|----------------------------- |
1 2 3 4 5
2. Doyoutreatyourhusbandinprivateasrespectfullyasyoudoyourpastor,yourneighbor,oryour
friends inpublic?
"Honor all men, love the brotherhood, fear God, honor the king." IPeter 2:17
(If"honor allmen"is howyouaretotreat others, howmuchmore shouldyoushowrespect to your husband?)
|----------------------------- |
1 2 3 4 5
3. Does your countenance showyour disrespect byangrylooks, disgust, crossed arms, etc.?
"Then the Lord said to Cain, 'Why are you angry? And why has your countenance fallen? If
youdowellwillnotyourcountenancebeliftedup? Andifyoudonotdowell,siniscrouchingat
the door; and its desire is for you, but you must master it." Genesis 4:6-7
|----------------------------- |
1 2 3 4 5
330

4. Do you talk for your husband or interrupt him?
"Love is patient... does not act unbecomingly, it does not seek its own (way)..." ICor. 13:4-5
|----------------------------- |
1 2 3 4 5
5. Do youtrytointimidateorbullyyourhusbandbymakingthreats,verballyattackinghim,crying,
or insome other waymanipulating himto have your way?
"Thewisewomanbuildsherhouse,butthefoolishtearsitdownwithherownhands."Prov.14:1
6. Do you bring up his shortcomings to others?
|----------------------------- |
1 2 3 4 5
"Her husband isknown in the gates..." Prov. 31:23
|----------------------------- |
1 2 3 4 5
7. Do you inappropriatelycontradict himinfront ofothers?
"She does him good and not evil all the days of her life." Prov. 31:12
|----------------------------- |
1 2 3 4 5
8. Do you compare himunfavorablywithother men?
"...for Ihave learned to be content in whatever circumstances Iam." Philippians 4:11
|----------------------------- |
1 2 3 4 5
9. Do you listencarefullyto your husband's opinion, trying to understand him?
"Let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak... " James 1:19
|----------------------------- |
1 2 3 4 5
331

10. Doyourespecthispositioninthehomesomuchthathecandependonyoutodoasheaskseven
when he is not home?
"The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain." Prov. 31:11
|----------------------------- |
1 2 3 4 5
______ 11. Would your husband saythat you have ameek and quiet spirit? If you do, it willbe
apparent inhow you treat him.
"Andletnotyouradornment bemerelyexternalbraidingthehair,andwearinggoldjewelry,or
puttingondresses;butletitbethehiddenpersonoftheheart,withtheimperishablequalityofa
gentle and quiet spirit, which is preciousin the sight of God." IPeter 3:3-4
|----------------------------- |
1 2 3 4 5
12. Are you obeying God bybeing respectfulto your husband?
"...let the wife see to it that she respect her husband." Ephesians 5:33
|----------------------------- |
1 2 3 4 5
If you low on any of the above questions, then you are not as respectful to your husband as God
wouldhaveyoube. ConfessittoGodassin,realizingHewillbe "faithfulandjusttoforgive..."(I
John1:9) and ask your husband's forgiveness. Be clear about what you have done wrong.
Respectingauthorityis practicallyalost art, but asaChristianwife,withGod'senablinggrace,you
can cultivate arespectful attitude. Circumstances come and go, husbands succeed and fail, some
merit respect and others do not, but whatever your situation, you can byan act ofyour willshow
biblicalrespect to your husband and show love to God inthe process.
(TakenfromMartha Peace, "Excellent Wife -ABiblicalPerspective", Focus Publishing, 1995)
332

What are the fruits of my sin?
- What is being affected by my sinful action(s)?
(relationships, finances, opportunities, ministry, etc.)
What is the root issue(s) of my sin?
- What is it that Iwantso badthat Iam willing to sin to get it?
- What is the idol of my heart?
333

Self-Awareness & Self-Examination
Psalm 139:23-24 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious
thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
Fenelon taught: As the inner light increases, you will see the imperfections which you have
seen heretofore as basically muchgreater and more harmful than you had seen them up
to the present But this experience, far from discouraging you, will help to uproot all
your self-confidence, and to raze to the ground the whole edifice of pride. Nothing marks
so much the solid advancement of a soul, as this view of his wretchedness without
anxietyand without discouragement.
One word of caution: There are those who have been morbidly introspective and self-conscious
their entire lives. They are fearful, anxious, and insecure because they not only over examine
themselves but do so with a microscope. The problem with these folks is that their measuring
rod is their own idealized version of their perfect self, not God s Word.
Questions to Evaluate Your Relationship with God
Is Godfirst in my life?
How have I grown in my love relationship with Jesus?
Do I love him with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength?
Am I most deeplyimpressed with him, or doother things grab my heart and attention?
What are those things?
Do I treat his Word lightly or casually?
Do I obey him?
Am I talking with him regularly?
Do I listen to what he tells me?
Is he the Lord of my life or the servant of my desires?
334

Question to Evaluate Your Stewardship of Your Life
How do I see myself?
AmI aware of my daily need for God s forgiveness and grace?
Do I care for myself in the way God instructs, or am I self-indulgent or morbidly
preoccupied with myself, my flaws, and my imperfections?
Do I believe what God tells me about who I am?
Do I thank him for the gifts and talents he has given me to glorify him and serve
others?
AmI using my gifts and abilities for his purposes or for my own?
Do I readily correct myself when I am wrong, sinful, or thinking untrue thoughts, or
do I ignore them, excuse myself, or slide into self-hatred or self-pity?
Questions to Evaluate Your Interactions with Others
Do I extend myself and concern myself with the needs of others, or am I more
focused on my own interests?
How do I treat people?
Am I prejudiced, intolerant, or condescending toward any particular group?
Minorities? Women? A specific ethnic or religious group?
Am I kind, generous, self-controlled, meek, forbearing, loving, submissive, patient,
and gentle?
Would others evaluate me this way?
Do I consider another person s ideas, needs, and feelings as important as my own?
How would my spouse describe me? My children? People at work, school, or
church?
Do I put on one face in public and another in private?
Am I teachable, or do I always have to be right?
335

I Corinthians 13:4-8
Negative
Self-sacrificing love NEVER gets impatient (vs 4)
Self-sacrificing love NEVER gets jealous (vs 4)
Self-sacrificing love NEVER boasts (vs 4)
Self-sacrificing love NEVER gets conceited (vs 4)
Self-sacrificing love NEVER gets rude, discourteous, or unmannerly (vs 5)
Self-sacrificing love NEVER gets selfish (vs 5)
Self-sacrificing love NEVER get irritated, touchy, or resentful (vs 5)
Self-sacrificing love NEVER chinks an unkind thought
or pays attention to a suffered wrong (vs 5)
Self-sacrificing love NEVER is happy in sin or injustice (vs 6)
Positive
Self-sacrificing love is ALWAYS kind (vs 4)
Self-sacrificing love is ALWAYS happy in truth (vs 6)
Self-sacrificing love is ALWAYS gracious, overlooking the faults of others (vs 7)
Self-sacrificing love is ALWAYS confident in the Word,
believing the best in others (vs 7)
Self-sacrificing love is ALWAYS strong in the faith (vs 7)
Self-sacrificing love is ALWAYS long-suffering (vs 7)
Self-sacrificing love is ALWAYS victorious (vs8)
Extras
Self-sacrificing love NEVER worries
Self-sacrificing love NEVER criticizes, murmurs, or complains
Self-sacrificing love NEVER gets discouraged
Self-sacrificing love ALWAYS covers with silence
I must see every person an circumstance coming to me daily as the Holy Spirit
coming to me in that person and circumstance to make me more like Jesus
Christ.
336

Seven Steps of Parenting
WeeklyReport for ____________
Name: Name:
Praise alot
Praise a lot
Play a lot Play a lot
Pray a lot Pray a lot
Teach a lot Teach a lot
Use cause and effect when possible Use cause and effect when possible
When you spank do it slowly, lovingly,
thoroughly, but not often
When you spank do it slowly, lovingly,
thoroughly, but not often
Parents have to be the example Parents have to be the example
337

I will never open any program for sexual stimulation.
Yet the body is not for immorality, but for the Lord; and
the Lord is for the body
"Flee youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace
with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart."
I will never purchase or download anything pornographic.
I will not sit and watch television programs that are sexually stimulating
For this you know with certainty, that no immoral or impure person or
covetous man, who is an idolater, has an inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and
God.
I will set no worthless thing before my eyes.
I will guard my eyes and abstain and avoid always any stimulating material of any
type.
I will not watch sexually stimulating videos of any kind regardless of the rating
(PG, PG-13, R or X)
I will guard my ways
The lamp of the body is the eye; if therefore your eye is clear,
your whole body will be full of light. But if your eye is bad, your whole body
will be full of darkness. If therefore, the light that is in you is darkness, how great
is the darkness!
"I have made a covenant with my eyes; why then should I look upon a
young woman?"
I will not participate in computer chat rooms developing relationships with other
women through the internet.
And I say to you, that every careless word that men shall
speak, they shall render account for it in the day of judgment. For by your words
you shall be justified
338

I will not cultivate any emotionally intimate one-on-one relationship other than with
my spouse.
You shall not commit adultery ; You shall not covet
your neighbor s wife.
"Drink water from your own cistern, and running water from your
own well... rejoice with the wife of your youth. As a loving deer and a graceful
doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured with her
love."
I will not replace the risk of personal relationships with the impersonal safety of my
computer. I will not retreat to it and out of life. I will limit my time to use the
computer for recreational activities.
"You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all
your soul, and with all your mind... and the you shall love your neighbor as
yourself."
Our first priorities are relationships! Not things. Working on our relationship with God
and other people should take precedence over time on the computer.
I will spend my constructive creative energy not with the television or in the unreality
of virtual reality on the computer, but in the reality of the real world.
I will never use the internet to satisfy my own selfish, self-centered desires wanting to
stimulate my fleshly passions.
"But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the
flesh, tofulfill its lusts."
When doing research on the internet I will work only to find the information needed
and get off, no idle surfing.
I will strictly limit my experimental time on the computer and devote myself more to
truth than to technique.
"You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I __________________________ on this day _____________, 2______
(sign your name)
pledge by God s grace at work in me to fight to honor this vow
before God and men.
339

TheSinTest
Is yourentertainmentflesh free?
Considerthe contentofthe movies and televisionprograms you watch
Considerthe style andcontentofthe music you listen to.
Considerthe atmosphere ofthe restaurants and otherplaces you frequent in yourleisure
time.
Isthe time you spentonhobbies &sportsin an appropriate proportion to the time you
spend seekingGod
Is yourpursuitofpossessions flesh free?
Evaluate yourdesires &motives in relation to regardingthe thingsyou buy? Whydo you
buythem?
Do you find yourselftryingto impress otherswith things youhaveorplacesyou ve gone
Is the wayyoudress modest
How concerned are you aboutkeepingup with thecurrent fashion,trends orfads
Are your friendships flesh free?
Examine the contentofyourconversations
Do you find yourselfwantinginappropriate physical contactwhichcreates lustfuldesires
Examine yourrelationship with yourspouse. Whatareas of sin does this bringto light?
Ecclesiastes12:14says God willjudge us foreverythingwe do,includingeverysecretthing
whethergood or bad
Considerthe followinglistofpotential sins
Adultery,in appropriate anger,Anxiety,bitterness,blame shifting,lackofdiscipline,evil
desires,lackoffaith,un-confessed sin,robbingGod in your financialpriorities,gossiping,
hot temper,laziness,lying,disobedience,lackof forgiveness,self-pity, worry, critical
spirit,discontent,drubabuse,rebellion against authority,greed,
What secretsinsdo youhave thatonlyyou and God knowabout?
Matthew12:36 says thatwe willhave to give accountofeveryidle word we speak
Can yourlanguagebe characterized as careless oridle?
What words,tone ofvoiceoremotionsdo youneed to repentof?
Name the lastthree things you did forsomeonebecause you wanted to showthe loveofChristto
them.
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
Name three things thatyou have repentedofthisyear.
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
340

Name three things thatGodhas given you victoryover
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
ITimothy4:12 tellsus tobe an example to otherbelievers in speech,iflife,in love,in faith and in
purity. Rate eachofthe followingitemsas Consistentlytrue,Generallytrue,Occasionallytrue,
Seldomtrue
Do Iseem to knowwhen andhowto approachproblems?(tactfullyand sensitively)
Do Ieffectivelychallenge others to fulfilltheirresponsibilities?
Do Irefrain fromunwholesome conversation (gossiping,griping,off-colorremarks)
Am Ifree fromthepreoccupation ofmaterialthings?
Am Iattentive to smallpersonaldetails?(cleanliness,punctuality,manners)
Do Ilive forthe benefitofothers ratherthanonlypursuingmypersonalinterests?
Do Ilisten to others ordo Igenerallywantto tellothers about mysituation?
Do Ishow compassion forothers in theirtimesofdisappointmentanddiscouragement?
Do Igenuinelyserveothers ordo Ilookto manipulate others with myactions?
Do Istaycalm and stableunderpressure?
Do Ipossess asense ofhumorthatmakesmepleasant company?
Do Ipatientlylisten before givingadvice and takingaction?
Am Icontentwith mypresent circumstances?
Is myspiritual life apriority?
Do Ifrequentlyshare withothers whatGod is doingin mylife?
341

Solutionsto Fear
Passage TypeofFear Biblical
Solution
IJohn4:18-19:There is no fearin love.But perfect love drives out
fear, because fear has todo with punishment.The one who fears is not
made perfectin love.
Proverb 3:21-26:Myson,preserve sound judgment anddiscernment,
donot letthem outofyoursight;theywillbe life foryou,an
ornamentto grace yourneck. Then you willgo onyourwayin
safety, and your footwillnot stumble;when you lie down,you will
notbe afraid;when you lie down,yoursleep willbe sweet. Have no
fearofsuddendisasterorofthe ruin thatovertakesthe wicked,for the
LORDwillbe yourconfidence and will keep yourfoot frombeing
snared.
Psalms112:7-8:He willhave no fearofbadnews;hisheartis
steadfast,trustingin the LORD. His heart is secure;he willhaveno
fear;
Psalms34:4-5;9: Isought the LORD,andhe answered me;he
delivered me fromall my fears. Those who looktohimare radiant;
their faces are nevercovered with shame. FeartheLORD, youhis
saints, forthose who fearhimlacknothing.
Psalms46:1-2;7;10-11: God isour refuge and strength,an everpresenthelp
in trouble. Therefore we will not fear The LORD
Almightyis with us;the GodofJacob is ourfortress.Selah "Be
still,and knowthatIamGod;Iwillbe exalted amongthenations, I
willbe exalted in the earth." The LORDAlmightyis with us;the
God ofJacob isour fortress.Selah
Psalms119:39:Take awaythedisgrace Idread,foryourlaws are
good
Psalms119:134:Redeemme fromtheoppressionofmen that Imay
obeyyourprecepts. Isaiah 51:12-13:I,even I,am he whocomforts
you. Who are you thatyoufearmortalmen,the sons ofmen,who are
butgrass,that you forget the Lord yourMaker,who stretchedoutthe
heavens andlaid the foundations ofthe earth
Isaiah 35:3-4:Strengthen the feeblehands,steadythe knees thatgive
way;sayto those with fearfulhearts,Be strong,donot fear, yourGod
willcome,he willcome with vengeance;withdivine retributionhe
willcome to save you.
342
Fearof
others
Fearof
events
Fearofbad
news
All fears
Natural
disaster
Fearofwhat
others think
Fearof
oppression
Fearof
weakness
Demonstrate
love
Correct
biblical
thinking
Heartfelt
trust
FearGod
Recognize
God s
sovereignty
Specific
prayer
Specific
prayerand
recognize
God s
providence
Relyon
God s
strength

Suggested Steps
WhenSpanking
1. Give clear expectations ahead of time. Do not repeat warnings. If asingle warning is given don tthreatenrather
inform.
2. Determine if an offense has been committed. If so, proceed to private setting. En route parent is to check
self control, reviewdisciplineplan,andpray. ( Remove log )
3. Discuss What was the expected behavior, attitude? What did you do? What should you/could you
have done? What does the Bible call what you did? Who chose to do wrong? What does the Bible
tell Daddy / Mommy to do when you disobey?
4. Have the child assume aproper position. For the smaller child across the lap is appropriate, for the larger
child leaning over abed is safe. For achild who is out of control restraint by the parent may be necessary
untilcontrolis achieved.
5. Slowly, lovingly, prayerfully, and thoughtfully proceed with the spanking. Use arod. (God has instructed
parents to use an instrument other than the hand. A rod is aflexible branch, twig, dowel rod, paint
stick, etc.). Use the wristrather thanafull armswing, seethat contactis made with the child sbottom.
6. Stop, and allow the child an opportunity to cry and to regain composure. Then discuss with the child how
they did with the spanking- You did a good job , You did not stand still , etc. Ask the child the
diagnostic questions in question 3, and assess for a change in direction . If he is still rebellious,
disrespectful, belligerent,and without repentance discuss that thefacialexpressions,tones, words,oractions
arenotshowing the fruitofrepentanceandthatanotherspanking willbenecessary. Repeattheabovesteps.
7. If repentance is evidenced begin plans for forgiveness and restoration, pray for forgiveness and give thanks.
If repentance is not evidenced pray that God will bring conviction, and that the child will be protected from
danger. Encourage the child to choose to please God by obeying. Be careful to not bring up the
disobedience wrongly when forgivenesshasbeengranted.
8. Lastly, show love to the child. Hug, give akiss, remind them of the purpose of discipline. The air is
cleared.
9. Expectsomepressureormanipulation.
If you really loved me you wouldn t do this
What kind of a Christian are you ?
When I grow up I ll never do this to my kids
If I die, you ll be sorry
10. Encouragearight attitude about discipline:
Proverbs 1:7 The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge; Fools despise wisdom and instruction.
Proverbs 12:1 WHOEVER loves discipline loves knowledge, But he who hates reproof is stupid.
Remember: King Davidblewit withhisson Adonijah whorebelled against David sauthorityand
brought shameandheartacheon him.
IKings1:6 his father hadnot rebukedhimatanytime.
NASB hisfather hadnot crossed (pained)himatanytime.
ASV his fatherhadnotdispleasedhimallhis life.
343

Submission is NOT...
1. Inequality
Submission... Whatis it?
Phil. 2:5-9 "Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: who being invery
nature God, did not consider equalitywithGod something to be grasped..."
2. Recognizing the husband as infallible
Romans 13:1 "Everyone must submit himselfto the governing authorities, for there is no
authority(husbandsincluded)exceptthatwhichGodhasestablished." parentheticalthought
added
3. Immobility-You're not aslave, adoormat, or completelypassive
Eph. 4:16 Eachpart does it's work
4. Inarticulate-Submissiondoesnotmeansilenceorfailuretospeak. Youmuststillspeakandseek
to persuade inagentle and submissive manner.
Eph. 4:25 "Speak the truthinlove..."
5. IntellectualStagnation
ICor.4:2 AsachildofGod,youareastewardthatmustbefaithfulwiththegiftsthatGod
hasgivento you as anindividualand awoman.
BiblicalSubmissionIS...
1. Thedivineplanforfunctionandorderinthehome-SomeonemustberesponsiblebeforeGodfor
leading the home. God has assigned that task to the man.
2. Awayoflife for allbelievers
Eph. 5:21 "Submit to one another..."
IPeter2:15 Submit to allauthorities
3. Aprotectionfor the wife -true freedomis NOT getting out fromunder authority
344

4. Anattitude
IPeter2:22-3:1 "EntrustyourselftoHim(God)whojudgesjustly...wives,inthesameway
be submissive to your own husbands... that they may be won over without words by the
behavior oftheir wives, whentheysee the purityand reverence ofyour lives."
5. Anact ofthe will-NOT afeeling
6. Aproofofone's love for God
John 14:31 "I love the Father and Ido what He says..."
7. Apicture ofhow the churchof Jesus Christ is to obeyHim
Eph. 5:24 "Nowas the churchsubmits to Christ,so also wivesshouldsubmit to theirown
husbands ineverything."
(TakenfromMartha Peace, "Excellent Wife -ABiblicalPerspective", Focus Publishing, 1995)
345

I. Biblical responses of God s children in trials and suffering
A. You must be responsible no matter how you feel to always please Christ since we
will also give an account (2 Cor. 5:9-10).
B. Don t pray to just hang in there or just get me through the trial and suffering
but ask God to help you grow in the midst of the difficulty to be more like Jesus
(Rom. 8:28-29; Jas. 1:2-4).
C. Ask yourself:
1. Could God have stopped this? Absolutely, yes!
2. Did He? No.
3. If not, why not?
D. Possible reasons why God allows trials and sufferings:
1. Unconfessed sins (1 Cor. 11:30; 2 Kgs. 5:15-27)
Use caution here Job scounselors thought this was the only reason
2. To chastise His children (Ps. 119:67; Heb. 12:5-11)
3. God wants to increase our usefulness (pruning process John 15:2; 2 Cor. 1:3-9;
2Pet. 1:5-8)
4. To help us realize this isn t heaven and we live in a fallen world (Gen. 3:8-19;
Rom. 8:22-24)
5. To show us that other people s sins have an effect on us (Eph. 6:4; Josh 7; Jonah
1)
6. To allow us to reap what we sow (a natural consequence to our own choices
Gal.6:7-8; Prov. 5:22)
7. To teach us about our own weaknesses and cause us to depend on God (2 Cor.
1:8-9; 12:7-10).
8. To have us realize that we have placed our hope somewhere else or have spread
it out between God and self/circumstances/other people/possessions. Our
hope is to be squarely fixed upon God alone and His promises (1 Pet. 1:13; Heb.
6:19). At times we don t even know we have little hopes elsewhere until God
allows a trial to come and reveal them to us.
346

9. To enlarge our appreciation of His sufficiency (2 Cor. 4:7; 12:7-10).
10. To test and strengthen our faith (1 Pet. 1:6-7; 4:12).
11. To create opportunities to witness for Christ (1 Phil. 1:12ff).
12. To develop Christ-like character (Jas. 1:2-5).
13. To cause us to recognize our need of one another in the Body of Christ and to
draw us closer to one another (38+ One Anothers; 1 Cor. 12:25; Rom. 12:15; Gal.
6:2).
14. To always bring glory to Himself (John 9:1-7; Job 1:2; 1 Cor. 1:26-31).
15. It drives us to God s Word (Ps. 119:71).
II. Biblical Resources available to the Christian through Christ
A. The Father providentially is carrying out His decreed will for our lives: His will is
good, perfect and acceptable (Rom. 12:2).
B. Christ prays on our behalf (John 17:20-21; Heb. 4:14-16).
C. His Holy Spirit indwells His children (1 Cor. 6:19-20).
D. His grace is sufficient (2 Cor. 12) He always promises victory in, not necessarily
deliverance from (1 Cor. 10:13)
E. There is no temptation that is too powerful (1 Cor. 10:13).
F. The local church body are to be involved one anothers (Rom. 12; Heb. 10:24-25).
G. Our earthly life is short compared to eternity in Heaven (2 Cor. 4:16-18).
H. Heaven is our home and it is sure (John 14:1-3; Heb. 6:19)
I. Christ is soon to return (1 Pet. 1:13).
III. Conclusion
A. When people ask WHY?
B. Let me suggest some possible reasons (use above list).
C. Which of these might apply to your situation?
D. BE focused (on Christ and His Word) + BE faithful = BE fruitful.
347

348

Ten Scriptural Convictions Children
Need to be Taught
ConsiderMemorizing These Convictionswith YourKids
Along with One Verse That Supports each Conviction!
1. The Bible is the inspired Word ofGod and the finalauthority for my life.
(Exodus 20:3; Psalm138:2 Matthew 4:4;2Timothy3:16)
2. Mypurpose in life is to seek God with mywhole heart and to build my goals around
His priorities.
(Exodus 20:4, 5; Psalm119:2;Matthew 6:33;Philippians 3:8;2Corinthians 5:9; 1Corinthians
10:31)
3. Mybody is the living temple ofGod and must not be defiled bythe lusts ofthe
flesh.
(Exodus 20:7;2Samuel12:14;Daniel1:8;Mark 7:21-23; ICorinthians 3:16; 1Peter 2:11;I
Thessalonians 4: 3-8)
4. Mychurch must teachthe foundational truths ofScripture and reinforce my
basic convictions.
(Exodus 20:8; 2Chronicles 7:14;Psalm29:2;Matthew 7:15, 16; 2Corinthians 6:14-17;1Peter
4:17)
5. Mychildrenand grandchildrenbelong to God, and it is my responsibilityto teach
themScripturalprinciples, godlycharacter, and basic convictions.
(Exodus 20:12; Deuteronomy6:6, 7; 4:9; Psalm127:3;Matthew 19:14; Galatians4: l, 2; l
Thess.2:11)
6. Myactivities mustnever weakenthe Scripturalconvictions ofanotherChristian.
(Exodus 20:13; Proverbs 28:10;Matthew 18:6; Romans 14:13)
7. My marriage is alifelongcommitment to God and to my marriage partner.
(Exodus 20:14;Genesis 2:24;Proverbs 6:32; Matthew 19:6; Romans 7:2, 3)
8. My money is atrust fromGod and must be earned and managed according to
Scripturalprinciples.
(Exodus 20:15: Deuteronomy8:18;Proverbs 15:6;Malachi 3:8;Luke 16:11; ITimothy6:10)
9. Mywords must be in harmonywithScripture, especiallywhenreprovingand
restoringaChristianbrother.
(Exodus 20:16;Proverbs 15:28, 18:21, 25:9;Matthew 12:37, 18:15;Galatians 6: l)
10.Myaffections must be set onthings above, not onthings onthe earth.
(Exodus 20:17; Job 1:21; Matthew 6:20, 21; Colossians 3:2)
349

ThingsYouCan Do ToResolveConflict
Focus on whatIcan do to correctit
Focus onunderstandingthe otherperson sperspective
Encourageopen discussion,allowingbothparties to express theirfeelings
Firstadmitthat Iam partofthe problem
Recognize Icannotdo anythingto change theotherperson
Focus on mythoughts about the issue and examine thembiblically
Focus on whatmyspouse is feelingand tryto understand
Focus on thesituation and tryandunderstand the facts
Focus on changingmybehavior comparingmyactions againstbiblicalprinciples
Listeningto theotherpersondescribe what theythinkIshould change aboutmy
behavior
Focus onusingproperwords,tone ofvoice and bodylanguage in whatIsay
Take time topointourin the midstofourdisagreementthings Iappreciate
Appreciate thedifferentperspective the other personhas and tryand learn fromthat
difference
Write down specific repeatable and attainable ways Ican betterserve in the future
Committo solve the rootcause ofthe immediateconflictpermanentlybefore
movingon
KeyResources:
The Christian Counselors Manual,JayAdams pages 348-367
The Heart of Anger,Lou Priolo
350
SteveFreeburne Anger&Conflict Resolution

Withdrawing
ColdTreatment
Selfish (Pride)
Tobe Served
How could this have happened?
NATURAL RESPONSE
(Doesn t Need Grace)
James 1:19-20
--my reputation --my rights
--my schedule --my space
--my needs --my expectations
Iamgod
Hebrews12:15
Allthe hurtsontheroot
2Waysto Handle Hurts
REVENGE
Attacking
looks
351
Humility
To Serve
How can I use these hurts to God s
glory?
GOD S WAY SUPERNATURAL
(Need Grace)
Ephesians4:26
-God sreputation
-His glory
-His reputation
Attacks the problem,notthe person
Ephesians4:32

Insubordination,Passive Aggressive
ISamuel15:24-25
-partialobedience
-deceitful toothers and self
-Idolatry
Witchcraft
Psalm68:6
I
-myway
-don tcare
-not even partial obedience
James 3
352
Didnot revile in return
Submittoone another
Willingto yield
IPeter2:23
Philippians2:3-4
Ephesians5:21
James 3:13
Caleb fullyfollowed the Lord His
God .Numbers 14:24
Mary Letitbe to me according to your
word:
Luke 1:38
Embraced God s will for her life despite fears
and uncertainties
John 15

Unfaithfulness Assignment
Listen to the 2 Wayne Mack tapes (Rebuilding a Marriage After an Affair) together. Take
notes. Discuss together.
Offending Party: Read: Repentance and the 20 th Century Man. Psalm 51 32
1. How have you sinned against God?
2. How have you sinned against your wife?
3. How have you sinned against others?
4. What are the consequences of your sin?
5. What are you going to do to completely break off this relationship?
6. What are you willing to do to avoid temptation?
7. What level of accountability do you think you need?
8. Make a list of things you appreciate about your wife.
9. Make a list of the blessings God has given you through your family.
You will feel likegoingback. You need to decide what you will do when that feeling comes.
Going back to the other woman in any sense will have significant consequences
This is not merely a matter of restoring your marriage to its previous condition.
You need to makeit better than it has ever been.
Future Assignment: TheComplete Husband.
Offended Party: Read: From Forgiven to Forgiving, byJay Adams
1. How have you sinned against your husband?
2. How can you know someone is repentant?
3. What does it mean when you say you forgive someone?
4. What struggles do you anticipate having as you seek to forgive?
5. How do you plan to deal with these struggles?
353

UsingHomework Effectively
There are 6 THINGS we want to be a part of our counselees lives when we re finished so you
should start pointing to those 6 things in the very first session #1.
Therefore you want to include these 6 things in every homework assignment:
1. We want them to be reading the Scripture daily
Ask How many times did you read the Bible this last week? (most commonanswer = 0 or 1)
Also ask How many times did you read the Bible the week before? (ask this because
sometimes when someone s in a crisis they ll pull out the Bible and start reading it but that s
not the normal pattern in their life).
Assign them places in the Bible to read each week
For example: Read Matt. 5,6,7 at least 3 times this week and record the day and time you did it
and write out the most meaningful verse from each day s reading and be ready to discuss it
how it applies to your life
You cansay, It s the perfect sermon preached by Jesus Christ. I knowyou haven t heard any
perfect sermons from me so you should enjoy thisone! It lltake you 10-15 minutes each
time.
Ask, Do you have time this week to read God s Word? It lltransform your life. In this passage
are the principles that can transform your marriage. I want you to be looking for them and come
readyto discuss what you ve seen.
2. God s Word IN them - Scripture memory
The Scripture IN us is what helps us to quit sinning and start living righteously so let s get it
into our counselees during our times together. Bythe end ofour counseling time together they
should know 9-11 verses word perfect and where they re found. They should also be able to
explain the verse and how it applies to their life.
God hasn tpromised to bless Scripture memory, He s promised to bless meditation and when
you try to memorize a verse it slows you down and forces you to think about it phrase by phrase
so that you can commit it to memory and God willbless you for that.
Quote
Explain
Tell how it relates to their life
3. Theological reading good books, pamphlets, booklets to help understand
the Bible
354

4. Regular churchattendance
Require them to attendtwo services / week either Sundaya.m. worship and SS or Sundaya.m.
and p.m., or Sundaya.m. and a small group during the week.
Biblical counseling is short term so they need to be a part of the long term general discipleship
of a good church. You want to help them develop the habit of plugging into a good church.
Ask them to take notes on the sermon and be ready to apply what they ve learned and how it
applies to their life.
5. Doing
Right from the very first meeting you want to assign them some practical task or Doing
assignment.
For example:
- If marriage is the problem: This week I want you each to do 3 loving deeds over and
above what you would normally do. Record the date and the activity for me
- If parenting is problem: Spend hr with the child on 2 occasions morethannormal.
Recordthe date and activity
- If single: Do 3 acts of kindness to someone else over and above what you normally do in
a week
- If shy / low self esteem: Initiate a conversation with someone on 3 different occasions
asking them questions about themselves
Get them doing something right away.
Best Doing assignment for marriage Plan one date / week alternating
responsibilities for planning it. A date is a pleasing activity, lasting at least two hours,
without children. Have the man start first. You plan it this week. Ask the woman to get
the familycalendar and mark on it each of their names on Sunday each week
alternating every other week. Doesn thave to involve $ . Make sure it s something that
is pleasing to your mate when it s your turnto plan the date.
6. Consistent prayer life
In session #1 ask them Pray on 3 occasions this week.
Pray 3 thingseach time you pray:
a. Pray for yourself in this process that you ll be teachable, humble, have a learner
spirit, willing to change. Really cry out to God for your own heart
b. Pray for your spouse that Godwould give them hope and courage to do what God
shows them to do
c. Pray for me (the counselor) to have wisdom and use our time wisely and know what
the issues are we need to address
355

WHEN TO STOP COUNSELING
1. When the counselee understands what caused his problems and the biblical
way of handling them.
2. When the counselee becomes comfortable with the new response pattern(s).
3. When the counselee begins to practice the new pattern(s) automatically.
4. When the counselee has failed and can diagnose the reason for the failure and
makeplans for correcting the problem.
5. When the counselee can state specifically how he has changed.
6. When the counselee has been tested and has been victorious in the test.
7. When others have verified the changes in the counselee.
8. When the counselee starts to share with others what he is learning in
counseling, effectively becoming an informal and spontaneous counselor to
others.
356

Worry Homework - Sample Assignments
1. Make awritten list of everything that you are worried about. Bring it with you to our next
meeting and we ll determine what things are your responsibilities and what things are simply
areas of concern.
2. Read one chapter of Elyse Fitzpatrick sbook, Overcoming Fear, Worry, and Anxiety, and
write out your answers to the questions at the end of the chapter. Bring your answers with
you to our next meeting todiscuss. (Continue thisweek by week, working through the book)
3. For every area that is one of your responsibilities make alist of what you can begin to do to
solve that problem. Write steps to betaken.
4. Do not pray as you are falling asleep because there is the danger that the praying can turn
into worrying about the issue. Instead make alist of verses that you have memorized and
choose one each night that you want to spend time meditating on. Select verses that speak of
God ssovereign control,His abundant provision, His protection, etc.
5. During the day keep anote card in your pocket and whenever your mind drifts to begin to
worry about something, write it down on the card and bring it with you to our next meeting.
Together we will determine whether or not it falls in your circle of responsibility or just an
area of concern.
6. Fight each day to focus your thinking and spend the bulk of your energy on solving today s
problems that aretruly your responsibility.
7. Read Jay Adam spamphlet What to Do When You Worry all the Time? and underline the
10 most importantsentences to you. Bring it withyou to our nextmeeting for discussion.
8. Memorize Matt. 6:33-34 and write it on a3x5 card to keep posted somewhere that is visible
throughout theday -on your bathroom mirror, computer, kitchen cabinet, etc.
9. Memorize Phil. 4:6-9 and do aword studyon each of thewords listed as areasto think on.
357

358