Here - Kelowna Secondary School

GRAD SCANDALS!
S k i n n y
J e a n s
Banned!
by Mary Bunka
Well, it was fun, but it seems to be the end of
an era. Say goodbye to your skinny jeans, everyone.
They’ve been outlawed from the halls
of KSS. During a meeting over the break,
KSS Admin decided that skinny jeans will
be banned starting February 1. The ban will
also include “jeggings” and “pajama jeans.”
“Skinny jeans and jeggings may cover all of
the leg, but they are so tight that students may
as well be wearing no pants at all. It’s a gross
violation of our dress code here at KSS. Students
are paying more attention to each other’s
legs and bums than to their lessons. This
must be remedied,” stated Mrs. Kintzinger.
When questioned about pajama jeans, which
are not as provocative as skinny jeans and jeggings,
Kintzinger stated that “pajama jeans are
simply too ugly and unfashionable to be worn
at school. We have standards here, you know.”
A grade 12 student who would prefer to remain
anonymous was, like many students, outraged.
“This is so unfair! What are they going to do next,
demand we wear shirts with straps? We should
totally stage a protest or something.” In fact, this
student would like to take the opportunity to call
out to KSS. “If you feel this ban is unfair, please
help me in fighting it. Wear red skinny jeans and a
black shirt on the first day of the ban to fight back.”
Beginning on February 1, any student, male or
female, that is caught wearing the banned attire
will be given a “more modest” clothing substitute
to wear for the remainder of the day. SD23 has
provided KSS with $2,500 to purchase parachute
pants for those that cannot comply with the ban.
Parachute pants were tested in ten Vancouver
high schools and were found to reduce sexual
tension by 56% and improve students’ concentration
on their studies by a massive 73%.
“You can’t argue with the numbers,” said Dr.
Mod Esty, chief of parachute-pant implementation
in BC. “Moving away from skinny jeans is
the best thing that this school district has done
since switching KSS to the semester system.”
B i g f o o t ! I m m o r t a l s !
What KSS Hoped You’d Never Find Out!
by Esme Jackson
He’s big, he’s hairy, and we have an explanation for you! Liam Bergin is inevitably Kelowna’s
very own half-breed Sasquatch, or as it’s better known: ‘Bigfoot.’ Casually seen walking through
woodland areas and leaving behind footprints too large for any human, Bergin is determined to be the
mysterious large figure that has been photographed running through our mountain habitats.
The world famous sasquatch species is said to be living in the northwest pacific, an area ranging
from southern BC to upper Oregon. It is believed that multiple Bigfoot type figures live in the area,
finding shelter on the mountain ranges, and eating the natural resources available. Several sightings
have been issued in Kelowna, with time periods ranging in the last three years. The idea is plausible.
Half-sasquatch, half-human, Liam Bergin may be the first sasquatch hybrid that Canada has seen. So
what’s your verdict, KSS? Liam Bergin, a modern day monkey?
Blago Hristovski knows it all; he plays the saxophone, he scuba dives, and yet he still manages to
get the grades. So you have to wonder, when did he learn it all? Who has the time to excel in so many
different things? Well, you wouldn’t have trouble with time if you had an eternity to live. And so, it
all makes sense… Blago Hristovski is an immortal. If you’d like to get technical, you may say he has
a strange case of enhanced regeneration. This is the ability to heal from any ailments, which basically
grants immortality. Though, we aren’t able to explain his youth. I’m afraid that for now, that will
remain a mystery, KSS.
Blago
played as
defenseman
on KSS’
1921 Boys’
AAA Basketball
Team.
CENSOR THIS JANUARY 23 2013 7
OMG!
It’s Liam!