Mid June 2009 - On The Road

news
EUROPEAN
ECCENTRICS
Pink elephant
A Polish city councillor Michal Grzes
criticised his local zoo for acquiring a
gay elephant. Poznan Zoo confirmed
that 10 year old Ninio seems to
prefer male company.
Grzes complained “ we didn’t pay
37m zlotys (£7.6m) for the largest
elephant house in Europe to have a
gay elephant living there. We were
supposed to have a herd but with
Ninio as he is who is to produce
offspring” The head of the zoo said
that Ninio may change his mind as
elephants don’t reach sexual maturity
till they are 14.
Fir find
Russian surgeons operated on a man
for suspected cancer and found a fir
tree growing inside his lung. The 2in
fir was discovered inside Attyom 28.
Doctors think he may have inhaled
a seedling.
Halfway sting
A pair of soft-hearted con artists
swindled an elderly Florentine lady
but gave her half the money back.
The pair, a man and a woman,
posing as health ministry inspectors,
demanded a €300 surcharge
on a new health card required for
getting prescriptions, police said.
The alarmed lady, 87, rushed to
put together the sum but the bogus
officials then told her half would be
enough. ``They probably felt sorry
for her and had a change of heart,``
police said.’ It could be a sign of the
times, this halfway sting``.
Mad English
The English are embracing a new
way to drink their cocktails. Forget
shaking, or stirring - in one Soho bar,
inhaling is the latest craze. The Soho
bar provides mist to its customers
containing gin and tonic. Patrons
are allowed to spend up to an hour
breathing it in, before the alcohol
levels become a health risk. Patrons
are advised to ‘breathe responsibly’
and are warned it could be a little
tricky to work out exactly how many
drinks they have had.
Caught in the act
Police stopped a motorist who had
been driving at over 80 miles and
hour whilst having sex with his
girlfriend. near Oslo.“The car was
veering from side to side because
the woman was sitting on his lap
and doing the act shall we say” said
a police spokesman.
Love locks
dumped
A youth craze for swearing undying
love by writing names on padlocks
and throwing the key into the Trevi
Fountain took an unromantic turn recently
after thousands of locks were
removed and sent to the dump.
Lovers from all over the world began
attaching locks to the rails of
a church facing the famous monument
and throwing the keys into
the fountain. But after tolerating
the custom, the parish priest of the
church dedicated to Saints Vincent
and Anastasius decided enough
was enough.
The craze for attaching so-called
‘love locks’ first hit the Italian capital
in the wake of a successful 2003
romantic book and film, Tre Metri
Sopra Il Cielo (Three Metres Above
The Sky).Imitating the protagonists,
young Romans started writing their
names on locks, chaining them
round a lamp post on the Milvian
Bridge and throwing the keys into
the Tiber.
When’s a
Yorkshire man not
Chris Gregory, a 30 year old Yorkshire
man woke up after a brain
operation and sang the ever popular
Irish ballad ‘Danny Boy’ at the top
of his voice. His wife waiting for him
to come round after the operation,
heard the singing and rushed to his
bedside. “Chris was sitting up in
bed, belting out the tune with a thick
Irish accent, like he had been born
and raised in Dublin” Mr Gregory’s
normal Yorkshire accent returned the
next day and he had no recollection
of his rendition.
For the chop
A union official chopped his finger
off and ate it to protest against low
wages. A representative of textile
workers in Novi Pazar, Serbia,
Zoran Bulatovic said he did it with a
hacksaw to stop his female deputy
carrying out a similar protest.
He said the workers had nothing to
eat and his protest gave an example
of ‘alternative’ food. “ It hurt like
hell” he said unsurprisingly.
Bar story
A man has been charged with drink
driving after crashing a motorised
bar stool. Police in Newark arrived
at the scene of the crash to find the
wreckage of the stool powered by a
lawn mower engine. The 28 year old
driver said it could reach speeds of
up to 38mph
Pudsey won’t be
going places
A mother who changed her name
to Pudsey Bear to raise £4,000 for
charity has had her request for a
passport refused. Mrs Bear, formerly
Eileen de Bont was told the name
was frivolous and would bring the
passport office into disrepute.
Pudsey is the BBC’s Children in
Need mascot , Mrs Bear has been
more successful with other applications
in her new name including her
driving licence and bank cards
A Dress for the
occasion!
A 109-year-old UK grandmother
wrote to the Queen pointing out that
Her Majesty had been wearing the
same yellow dress on the five previous
birthday cards she had sent.
Catherine Masters was perhaps
expecting a polite note from a ladyin-waiting.
What she got instead was
tea with Prince William. The prince
arrived with just five minutes’ notice
at Catherine’s care home in Stanford
in the Vale, Oxfordshire. “He was a
delightful young man,” said Catherine.
“I said it would be nice to see
the Queen in blue or white.”
Smoking law up
in flames
A South Yorkshire Landlady, Kerry
Fenton, has opened a smoking room
at her pub after one of her regulars
found a loophole in the smoking
ban. She has turned the tap-room
at the Cutting Edge in Barnsley,
into a “smoking research centre”.
Drinkers fill in a questionnaire on
their smoking habits and can then
enjoy a cigarette.
Kerry, 36, says trade has doubled
since the ‘centre’ opened after James
Martin, a printer, spotted the loophole.
“I’m a non-smoker but I believe
in the freedom of the individual,”
said Kerry. “It’s given the business
a shot in the arm and it’s all in the
name of research, legal and above
board. I hope the questionnaires can
be used by academics interested in
studying this law.”
You’re nicked!
A cardboard cut-out of a police constable,
displayed in a Stockport shop
to deter thieves, has been stolen. The
life-size image of PC Bob Molloy had
been placed behind a display at the
Co-operative store on Heaton Moor
Road in a bid to banish petty theft.
But a Co-op supervisor said:
“We saw two girls on the CCTV - one
held the door open while the other
ran out with the policeman under
her arm.”
The greater the
truth, the greater
the libel!
Rod Liddel recently wrote in the
Sunday Times…. ‘I suppose, My colleague
Jeremy Clarkson got himself
into trouble for having suggested
- on that television programme ‘Top
Gear’, the one he does about cars
- that a lorry driver’s job consisted
of the following:-‘
“Change gear, change gear, change
gear, check mirror, murder a pros-
Marathon Man
An injured Iraq veteran who was
told he would never walk again
has completed the London Marathon.
Major Phil Packer took 13
days to walk the 26.2-mile route,
raising more than £700,000
for the charity Help for Heroes.
He lost the use of both legs in a
rocket attack, but has fought to
overcome his injuries. Hundreds
of well-wishers lined the route
as he approached the finish
line. “Somebody walked with me
every step, be it dinner lady, taxi
driver or police officer,” he said,
collecting his medal. “This is for
the soldiers with far worse injuries
than me.”
titute, change gear ... Cue, immediately,
outrage from lorry drivers
and complaints to television watch
dogs and demands for Clarkson’s
dismissal. The prostitutes complained
too, but I’m not sure on
what grounds.
Now, though, the FBI has revealed
that a remarkable 200 truck drivers
in the USA are suspected of being
serial killers and that truck driving
is by far the most popular profession
for people whose chief hobby
is murdering women. Maybe it was
just the order and frequency which
Clarkson got wrong, and his description
should have read: “Murder
a prostitute, murder a prostitute,
murder a prostitute, change gear,
murder a prostitute ... “
Let the train take
the strain
On 23 May, the train journey between
Kettering and King’s Cross
- which usually takes 1 hr 20mins -
will instead take 18 hours owing to
planned engineering works.
Passengers on the 13.35 from Kettering
will be expected to make seven
changes, take five replacement
buses and stay overnight in Milton
Keynes.
Out of step
The stepladders that for 400 years
have allowed students to reach the
top shelves at the Bodleian Library in
Oxford have been removed because
of safety fears. But the library says
the books themselves must remain
in their ‘historic location’, out of
reach, while students travel as far as
the British Library in London to find
other copies.
….And
When Hong Kong’s Metropark
Hotel discovered that a man with
swine flu had recently stayed there,
its 296 guests were told they would
have to remain under quarantine
in the hotel for a week. But far
from feeling trapped, they had a
marvellous time. Emerging into the
fresh air this week, cheering guests
told how they partied all night, ate
and drank like kings and became
firm friends. Two serious romances
also blossomed. “I’m so happy,”
declared one Korean guest, hugging
a policeman. “I love Hong
Kong people!”
6 On The Road - Mid May - Mid June 09