24 Seven December 2017

Fern Weis
WHEN TO SAY
YOU’RE SORRY
Have you ever said something and
immediately wished you could take the
words back? Did you do something that
backfired? Even if you have fantastic social
skills, odds are you’ve put your foot in your
mouth a few times and need to say you’re
sorry. But apologizing can be tricky. How
do you smooth the troubled waters?
You know it’s time to say you’re sorry
when:
• You get that funny feeling in your
stomach.
• You see the look on someone’s face, or
hear surprise, sadness or anger in his or
her voice.
• Your conscience bothers you (and maybe
you can’t even pinpoint why).
We feel the need to apologize because
we feel we’ve done something insensitive,
something that goes against the values we
hold, or the values we believe others hold.
For adults, it can be the judgmental or
thoughtless statement that erodes trust.
For children, it can be the look on your
face, or it may come down to avoiding a
consequence; however, there is usually
an understanding that they’ve done
something wrong, something contrary to
the norms of the people around them.
Children want our love and approval, and
so they apologize.
Someone has taken offense, their selfesteem
has taken a blow, or you’re feeling
uncomfortable with what’s going on. Why
apologize?
You are a considerate, empathetic
person. You feel badly for causing pain
to another, and regret your action.
It’s time to restore the now troubled
relationship. Whether a family member,
friend or co-worker, a sincere apology
will soothe everyone’s soul.
You recognize that you’ve violated one
of your own principles and feel out of
integrity.
Taking responsibility for your actions is
an imperative for you.
Many people are uncomfortable with
saying “I’m sorry”, seeing it as a sign of
weakness.
Parents may overuse it (wanting to ease
their child’s pain, or to avoid rejection)
or underuse it (needing to be in control,
the authority figure). It’s a skill that takes
some finessing.
How do you even broach making the
apology? You take advantage of the doover,
of course. When both sides are
calm, you revisit the event and say what
needs to be said. This may take some
courage, and a dose of humility.
It’s not easy to admit you’re wrong, or
have unintentionally hurt someone’s
feelings. But on the other side lies
understanding, healing and connection.
And connection is most definitely what
it’s all about.
Fern Weis is a parent-teen relationship coach and family recovery coach, specializing in supporting parents who are struggling with their
teens and young adults. She helps parents create a relationship based on trust, have healthy boundaries, and improve communication
skills so they can confidently prepare their children to reach their potential and thrive through life’s challenges. www.fernweis.com