10.infotainment - hunter gatherer.pdf - Intellect

20
HUNTER
GATHERER
hunter
gatherer
BECAUSE EVERY THING HAS A STORY
FUNNY BUSINESS
FOUND BY LUKE LIVESEY
Goose found this in a previously unexplored
room, which he’d gained access to with the aid
of a set of bolt cutters and a spanner known as
King Dick. He yelled, “Awwww, Treasure!” and
proceeded to offer me this book entitled ‘150
Comedy Props’. It describes how to build props
for old-time music hall comedy acts. Gags such
as ‘The Third Leg’, ‘Obliging Trousers’ and
‘Instant Midget’ are now going to be in my
party piece repertoire for years to come.
I discovered the bookmark between two of the
pages. It’s a Polaroid of a guy in his fifties,
dressed as a clown, inside of the derelict building.
My first reaction was ‘JESUS! This guy is a
fucking psycho!’ I reconsidered. He’s more likely
to be a nice guy, who enjoys making people
laugh with the comedy props that he has lovingly
constructed. I can just picture him now,
performing one of those gags, “Ankle
socks…the latest fashion…no feet, just ankles!”
Screw it. He’s gonna eat your baby.
decode november / december
STAR F***ER
FOUND BY MR.G
I found this little treasure while on my daily trip
to the post office. Discarded and peering flirtingly
from the corner of the room, I couldn't
help but rescue this bizarre artefact from certain
shredded death. With tongue firmly in
cheek, this birthday card delivers on all fronts.
Humorous, alluring 'look-inside' appeal and
frighteningly garish in its presentation, the
recipient of this particular message must have
been tickled and /or aroused at its suggestiveness.
'Dear Gerry' it reads, 'here's hoping you
have a good one and enjoy the surprise! love
from the gang'. What I like about this message
is its open-endedness and non-gender specific
main character. Gerry could be both guy or gal.
The writing is a scrawlish mess. Are the gang
15- or 30-year-olds? What fun and games have
this gang got up to in their time, and what on
earth was Gerry's surprise?
Sadly, I'll never know the answers to these
questions, but sadder still is the fact that the
card was left behind by Gerry. Opened hastily,
chucked and forgotten. Hell, he/she didn't even
bother to scratch the star off the front, thus
revealing the punchline, eliciting merriment and
bringing order to the universe. Maybe, like me,
Gerry felt like the punchline could never live up
to the anticipation. Could never fulfil all of his
expectations. There are some things, after all,
that are best left to the imagination.
(any ideas for what lies beneath?
send them to editor@decodepublishing.com)

21
HUNTER
GATHERER
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ROCK N’ SCRAWL
FOUND BY JAKE WEBB
Who is Fran? Did someone give him or her this
rock? And if so, did Fran lose it and is now feeling
bad and ashamed? Or did Fran not want
anything to do with it, and tossed it back into
Hedgemead Park? Maybe someone meant to
give Fran the rock, but lost it on the way to
Fran’s house, and bought Fran a Kinder Egg
instead. Maybe someone came up with a better
idea, chucked the rock away, took Fran to the
cinema, something funny, and they’re now on
holiday on the Isle of Wight. He or she’s going
to propose to Fran tonight. He or she’s feeling
pretty nervous. I hope Fran says yes. Either
that or the rock was meant to be for Frank, and
Frank’s girl ran out of space, and went to find a
bigger rock. It’d be a shame. She made the
heart on the back look so nice!
SWEET KREMES
FOUND BY MARTIN TOMPKINS
One of my co-travellers was always talking about
how good a Krispy Kreme donut was on his last
visit to the States. Deciding to find a store, we
taunted each other over who was going to eat
the most doughnuts, turning off at the city of
Tallahassee, north Florida. According to a report
in an American newspaper, the better the economy,
the greater the doughnut consumption. We
arrived at the shop at 5:30pm. No one waiting to
be served. Not even a police car parked out
front. Opening the door of the "Kremery" we
were greeted by a monstrous machine producing
hot doughnuts. Then the smell hit us. Written on
a board above the counter, "5 dollars for 12".
Hatted with a box of 12, we returned to our vehicle
stopping once for a photograph. We must
have looked like cake tourists, carrying powdered
blueberry-filled, chocolate-iced with a custard
filling and glazed cream-filled doughnuts. Three
and a half Kremes each down the line and the
taunting has subsided, leaving the rest of our
travelling friends to help us out. A seriously
amazing doughnut.
HOLE HEARTED
FOUND BY JEMIMAH KUHFELD
So I guess the reason I kept it was a nostalgic
one, but the reason I picked it up was fate.
From a thousand million pebbles on a beach I
picked the one with the hole right through the
centre of it. I can't wear watches because I stop
them, so I threaded the ribbon through it and
wore it round my neck for ages, as if it could
tell me time. It retold that day over and over.
When the boyfriend I'd been with dumped me I
reluctantly took it off. It's been in the bottom of
a box ever since: I found it the other day, moving
house. I believe people wear semi-precious
stones for a reason: I came to understand
something of that when I wore this. It's to do
with knowing the shape has been sculpted by
sea energy.
decode number ten