Issue 01 | February 25,2013 | critic.co.nz

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FREEBIES Critic has 30 packets of Indomie noodles to give away! Be sure to visit the Critic facebook page to be in the draw. Critic also has a mountain of V energy drinks to give away! Be sure to visit the Critic facebook page to be in the draw. fb.com/critictearohi NEWS IN BRIEFS WORLD WATCH TEXAS, UNITED STATES | A Texas mother had an unforgettable Valentine’s Day after giving birth to two sets of identical twin boys. The four brothers were delivered at the Women’s Hospital of Texas against 70 million to one odds. CHELYABINSK, RUSSIA | In Soviet Russia, space explores you. Rocks from the recent meteor explosion over the Ural Mountains are expected to reach higher prices than gold, and thousands of people called Boris are hunting for them all over the area. THE WORLD | Cyber terrorists “Anonymous” hacked the Burger King Twitter account, switched its name to McDonald’s, and gained 30% more followers in the meantime.
FAILIENT THE WORST Fails of the Week from Wellington’s Student Magazine 1) Tweet to Labour MP Grant Robertson: “Come visit us next time you're on campus. If you tweet in advance we'll make you a cake!” Criticise the man’s policies if you must, but jokes about his weight are below the bulging, straining belt. 2) Tweet: “We're putting together a guide for first years of the best restaurants in Wellington, what are your top picks?” So far, so good. But the tweet was sent to Sally and Jaime Ridge. Then again, the Auckland-based Ridges are no less woefully unqualified to review Wellington restaurants than they are to successfully complete any of life’s other simple tasks. 3) 4) The failed attempts to make #babelient into a thing. Sorry guys, but no. #failedmeme This is more of an ongoing fail for Salient, but they have no money. Their sub-editor gets paid for five hours a week, and the rest of the painstaking replacement of semicolons with em dashes is done by volunteers with truly sad lives. 5) Sellout of the week: “FREE STUFF: Kapai are giving away free wraps to students in the Alan MacDiarmid Building.” Here’s a hint from your financial betters: giving away ad space for free may have some kind of connection to fail #4. TOTES RANDOM Proctor enforces Death by hangIng for after-hours tresPassIng most students have tried to sneak into an Otago Uni building late at night, either for a convenient coma location when no taxis are forthcoming, or simply for the romance of banging in the hallowed halls of the Quad building. At most university campuses, an attempt to swipe a student ID after hours would be met with the electronic equivalent of a simple "no." But at Otago, should you have the hubris to attempt this heinous crime, an ominous descending chromatic "game over, man" scale will sound, and an image of a stick figure hanging from a noose will flash on the screen alongside a forbidding "X." Dark. FACTS & FIGURES There are more than 5 vacant homes for every homeless person in the United States Under ideal conditions bamboo can grow up to one meter every 24 hours North Korea is the only country in the world where marijuana is legal. It is not even classified as a drug. New Zealand was the last major land mass to be populated (with the exception of the polar regions) Octopuses* have an arm that serves as both a tongue and penis (or octopodes - look it up) Vegetarians are statistically more likely to enjoy giving oral sex.
Page 1 and 2: Issue 01 | February 25, 2013 | crit
Page 3 and 4: Editor Callum Fredric dEputy & SuB
Page 5 and 6: Editorial #1 at my work Christmas P
Page 7 and 8: Proctor approves of arm-breaking as
Page 9 and 10: Students ticketed off about lack of
Page 11 and 12: This is a bandwagon. Get on it. Pol
Page 13: College Sports Day Occurs BY HAYDEN
Page 17 and 18: By Maddy PhilliPPs critic.co.nz | 1
Page 19 and 20: Eventually the Elk and I settled on
Page 21 and 22: “My muscles were so weak I could
Page 23 and 24: Metiria Turei Metiria Turei is a Du
Page 25 and 26: Challenge will be held at: The Gym
Page 27 and 28: here the fuck is the city? I whis-
Page 29 and 30: What the fuck was I doing here anyw
Page 31 and 32: ANTH424 (The Anthropology of Evil)
Page 33 and 34: VOLUNTEERS REQUIRED We are seeking
Page 35 and 36: A Warm Welcome to All BY ELSIE STON
Page 37 and 38: A new year of the oddity BY SAM MCC
Page 39 and 40: Find a GP BY DR. NICK hi everybody!
Page 41 and 42: PoPPa’s Pizza Free garlic bread w
Page 43 and 44: Trick Mammoth Dunedin Band Profile
Page 45 and 46: Aliens: Colonial Marines Developed
Page 47 and 48: A Good Day to Die Hard Director: Jo
Page 49 and 50: cover letter of the week Dear Criti
Page 51 and 52: Flat already broken? If your flat a

Issue 01 | February 25,2013 | critic.co.nz

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